The Bugle - The Bugle – The Producer Chris Podcast

Episode Date: November 23, 2012

An audio hurricane for a visual world. Bugle outtakes, Bugler interviews, triathlon and a bit of Producer Ped. And a puppy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The producer Chris podcast. Horocames. Visual world. Hello. Is that James? Haha. You Chris. Hello and welcome to the producer Chris. Outtake Extravaganza podcast.

John's eating turkey and is eating curry, so you've got me some outtakes. Some thoughts and opinions from bugleers and analysis into the sporting skills of your beloved host. Shut up. And of course some triathlon talk, it's the best sport in the world. Shut up. Let's start. BELL RINGS In other regretful election after math news,

how is this for a headline, Andy? No regrets for man with Romney Tatoo on his face. Let's just let that sentence sink in for a moment, because you got to give it a little time. That is one of those news paper headlines that just sounds like a cryptic crossword clue. It just doesn't quite make sense, but nearly does. There are two key information points in that sentence, Andy. The first one is that a man got a Romney Tatill on his face. That's initially hard to believe. But the second point of information is that he has no regrets for doing that,

which just seems impossible. But I'm afraid both of the things are actually true. We mentioned a while ago that a man here in the US auctioned off the real estate of the side of his face on Ebay and ended up getting a Romney Ryan tattoo after someone bid $15,000 for him to do it. His name is Eric Hartzburg and he claims to be a professional wrestler. And he said of the situation that he's now in, I'm college educated and I'm not an idiot.

Getting the tattoo was a decision that I made and I am cool with. Of course, I'm disappointed about the election results. I wanted Romney to win, obviously. And in his defence, I suppose that is especially obvious now, I mean, especially if you look at the side of his face, for instance. He went on to say, but I'm proud of the voters and the record turnout in certain places. And most of all, I'm proud with the effort that I made. Obama supporters have come up to me since the election and said, told you so, or you look like an idiot. But if you take Romney's losing out of the equation

and someone with a face tattoo out of the equation and actually have a conversation with me, you might realise that it's not about what's just on the surface. Here's the problem with that Andy. It's very hard to take those two things out of the equation as they're two of the first and then only things that you think of when you see this man, you think, oh, why did that man get a tattoo of the losing ticket in the 2012 presidential election on the side of his face? What's on the other side of the tattoo of the Mondale Ferraro ticket from 1984? Well, as you say, the old saying once again says, there's only one thing more stupid than having a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo done in your face. And that's not regretting having a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo done in your face. And that's not regretting having a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo done in your face. I don't

really understand tattoos, John. They've become almost more common than human skin over the last 15 years. And he's really amazing to think that just a generation ago, people still had the ability to remember all of their children's names without having them indelibly inscribed on their arms. They can also remember what kind of person they were and what they liked, thought and believed without having it permanently inked on their flesh like an adequate memo on a fridge. I think the only genuine reason for getting it at two is when you have advanced Alzheimer's and you need it to remember who you are. But I guess...

Or you... Or if you're a four-star general and you've lost your penis ring and you want to be sure that you learn the lessons that you need to learn. We've all made mistakes though, John. I mean, I was, particularly when it comes to the US presidential elections, I was convinced that the fire-breathing Michael Duke Hackett's action man was going to be the must-have toilet Christmas 1988. And I sank a lot of money into it as it was, it didn't sell that world, John. It didn't sell that world.

And at least in mitigation, the guy did not have an actual picture of Mitt Romney's face done on his face. That's true. So it's only the campaign logo. How about the two hours? Ironically, two of the three hours this gentleman clearly wasn't paying attention to at school, if he's stupid enough to have a campaign logo tattooed on his fucking face. Well, it's one step worse, Andy, because he apparently, this man, now has the middle space of his forehead up for auction, and the the current highest bidder for it is $742. And what does that

person want him to tattoo on his forehead? That's right, Andy. A penis. And ask yourself this right Andy, a penis and Ask yourself this Andy is having a penis tattooed on your forehead for $742 Any less stupid than having Mitt Romney tattooed on the side of your face for $15,000 Those are just different seats in the same batchic crazy ballpark called Bach. Oh, the American election. Those were the days. It was like a real election, but with two political parties. Oh, yeah. It's music time now on the Bugle, and I am lucky enough to be joined by two of my favourite

Bugleers who I've ever spoken to in all of my life. The first one is Jeremy from America, and I am also joined, but I assume an English bugler, James Baphone, is that right? That's correct, yes. Both of you are welcome to this spin-off program. Later on, I should say in the bugle, we will be talking about other in-depth topics like the quality of Andy's puns. But before I want to talk about

John's musical contribution to the bugle, first off, James, what is it that you think that is so special about John's delivery? John's delivery, although it lacks any kind of musical style, tone, or difference in range, is delivery is passionate, it's powerful, and it just gives me chance to have a grin when I'm listening to the bugle. It's fantastic, it's life-changing. Jeremy, life-changing it might be, but does John actually offer that much as a lyricist? I would say that that john singing is

the noise produced by strangling a cat with another cat while a chorus of sick ducks quack in the background all the time crashing train and that is good isn't it uh... admittedly it's good to train money factory industry it is a generous more work that that that is true definitely provide more work. That is true. Definitely provides more work for the train industry, but I can't say I particularly like it, but it definitely, unlike some pun,

unlike pun that doesn't make me want to put a bullet in my brain. So you're saying maybe that John's music is something that can soothe a suicidal tendency brought about by the vocal deliveries of Andy Zoltzmann. Well, it at least distracts you mildly for a few minutes. You're saying that Andy has made you want to kill yourself, aren't you? Well, sometimes I mean other times he's, you know, put off some pretty good jokes and sometimes he has's mainly truly re-evaluate my own positions on how horrible my own nation is and that we really need to go back to the motherland and can we can we use that as a quote for a future bugle poster maybe

to decide to ensure you that and these plans categorically maybe want to commit suicide i want to but what to maybe uh... talk about the the social importance of john's lyrics i mean for example he has a often quoted bon joe v tome used to work on the docs unions been on strike he's down his luck it's tough so tough

do you think the fact that john chooses these songs shows maybe some kind of sociopolitical message i think john is so well connected with the sociopolitical issues of the day, that he just interprets these complex things that are going on around as in song and he just captures it. John Bon Jovi captures that this nuance better than anybody else for my for my reckoning Chris. And Jeremy, would you say he's more of a mimic or a master in his own rights? I would say his main skill is just a spousing bullshit.

Sometimes you just get the feeling that he might be going in a little too deep and attempting to pull something out of pull something out of you know the deepest wrenches of his own of his own stomach and occasionally you just don't want to see what comes out from there no no no i have seen actually what's come out in the past and it took ages to clean up it really did it was terrible i would rather scoop out my own eyeballs with a male baller than after a pun but he's got a pun about that actually. We've got to get to some middle ground here and it's all very well playing one off against the other but I think the only fair thing to do really is to get John to sing off and

be pun run. Oh, that would be brilliant wouldn't it? It would be the worst of both worlds. Yeah. The bugle would truly eat itself. I think there would be no more show from then on. As much as I despise puns, I really think that we need that to happen. And finally in Daredevil News, a Daredevil who planned to walk across the Irish sea inside a giant

floating hamster wheel has filed after his white for it floating hamster wheel sank. That's a hell of a sentence Andy, because you've got the surprise of the invention of a floating hamster wheel alongside the lack of surprise with the use that it sank. He must have been so shocked. What? My floating hamster wheel is sinking. How is it happening? How could anyone have foreseen that this contraption would not be sea worthy? Oh cruel fate, I could not have seen this coming, that's for sure. Thank goodness I have my floating rabbit hutch to take me home. What? It's sinking too, this is truly not my day! Well, we may scoff at him, John, but this is the one with genuine scientific value, because when all the fossil fuels run out, we are all going to be crossing the Atlantic in giant hamster wheels, as the only way humanity is going to be able to travel around.

The Lifeguard watch officer who found him said, they experienced problems after about 12 miles and tried to turn it around, but it disintegrated. The whole thing has sunk to the bottom of the sea. It won't be a danger to navigation or shipping. And I'm guessing it won't be a danger, and it's due to the fact that it's just a f***ing hamster wheel. It's just a man-sized floating hamster wheel, and therefore any ship could just comfortably smash straight through it and probably be fine. What's going to be a tough conversation at the death of the year awards? What did you do? I jumped from 24 miles of the earth's surface in a parachute out of you. I sunk in a hamster wheel.

I'll take second place at best. But again, Andy, you're right, because this guy was doing it for charity. It's like you say about Felix Baumgartner. You just wish that they owned the fact that this was pointless, because it's easy to do something noble, that motivates itself. It's hard to do something pointless, and that's what I love about all these stories. It's the life-affirming realisation that humans have a part of them will do something like this that defies explanation.

He was doing it for charity this hamster wheel sea crossing in an attempt to make it noble. But I would love to see someone do something like this for nothing, for literally nothing. So when people said why are you doing this, there was just an awkward pause. I'm now joined by producer PED from the Bugle Podcasts. PED, it might be true that I'm now joined by producer PED from the Bugle Podcast. A PED, it might be true that I'm a f***ing slice, but why did you have to call me on the Bugle, the show that I let you deputise in for me, why did you call me a f***ing slice? You let me deputise it's because you're a f***ing f***ing slice Chris. That is true, yes.

It's actually correct. It is, it's water slice Chris. That is true, yes. It's actually correct. It is correct. It's watertight Chris. It's watertight. Fuck slice. The fuck. They say a play on words is always worth a punt. Well, I don't actually, if they do,

and if they do, it's really stupid. It just doesn't make sense. But puns do make sense to some people though, including New York bugler and Marie. Amory, you love Andy's puns, don't you? I do, I do, I find them very charming. Now you described in an email to me as you described puns as being the bees' knees. And is there a particular pun run that has appealed to you in the past? Or, you know, are we talking dogs? Are we talking anything Greco-Roman related? Or US President related?

The US President pan run was definitely my favorite that I've heard. It was the half of it was impressive. There's nothing else just the sheer expanse of it. You are a sick and twisted person, you know that, don't you? Yeah, I know, I know. I know. I'm a guy's feet help. Yeah, well good, good. I'm pleased you do because I was going to offer you some numbers if you didn't. Now, I believe you see a comparison between Andy's pun runs and the works of Shakespeare. Clearly. And this is William Shakespeare we're talking about here. Oh yeah, no, the the comedic heritage, the lineage is clear to me at least.

Wow. So so what you're basically implying here is one of two things that I either Andy is is quoting masterpieces when he pun runs or that he's just churning out 500-year-old shit, one of the two. Yeah, I mean, it's actually probably both. Yes, yeah, no. It makes it fun. I think you're probably very right.

So to anyone, I mean, there are many buglers who are so challenging of Andy's pun runs. They really get wound up about them. What would you say to those buglers? I mean, I would definitely encourage them to maybe have a glass of wine, not necessarily something to get so worked up about, and then also, you know, the effort that he puts into them is what I appreciate. So, you know, sometimes appreciating process over product can be helpful with that. And there is a ringing endorsement if I've ever heard one.

Well, Ann Marie, thank you so much for your contribution. That's a good two fingers to me, John, and all the other buglers who are losing their mind will take your advice, which I believe is to drink wine and appreciate the fact that he bothers. Yes, absolutely true. Brilliant. Thank you very much, then no. Now, Governor Cuomo has blamed climate change for the increase in storms. And I don't know if he's got it.

I just personally think that it's just humanity is now more sinful than it used to be. And you know, you can trace the increase in extreme weather with the advent of the internet and women getting the vote. I mean, you know, Eve, what could she eat in a fucking tomato instead? I'll show you that. That's why we have all these storms, basically. America has a $13 billion dollar a year pornography industry. So you can sort of see why God might be getting a little bit cranky with them. Maybe we'll start dusting off some of his old favors. Let's see how the 2016 presidential election is affected by a plague of locusts on Los Angeles. An actual locusts, not the metaphorical

locusts that are already there. As the producer, part of your role is to keep big egos together, foster relationships and keep all parties happy. The bugle is no exception. For example, I've never told John what Andy thinks about the smurfs. In fact, the primary purpose of the bugle's bleep machine is to cut Andy's random comments on vanity smurf that interjects basically throughout every show. So what good could come out of identifying different skill sets within Team Bugle? Alan Cochran is a comedian and wobble-board enthusiast

and he knows both men. Alan, you've played association football with both of them, isn't that true? I have, yes. Some time ago now, but yes, I would actually say, I've probably played both of them at that peak of physical conditioning. Tell me, tell me what skills does each man bring to the game of football?

Well, I'll tell you something. Andy's ultimate is a surprisingly engine room like player for somebody fueled principally on cheese. He really gets about. The premiership doesn't seem to have worked enough to the energy food that is cheese, but it works for the Zedman. I can imagine he's a fearsome site on a football pitch with his striking hair and maybe Jillingham shirt does he play in particular footballer Tyre? I can't remember. My name memory of Sultman is his legs. He seems to have built in shinpads as part of his lower leg. He's a very sturdy individual from the waist down. I mean, he's fairly sturdy all over, but his legs in particular are quite robotic. Are we talking Roberto Carlos style?

Yes, yeah, a bit taller than Carlos, I would say. Wow. But he certainly got that kind of for Lala leg kind of endurance look. And for someone who is not necessarily familiar with the game, can you think of any sort of star players who each man resembles? Yeah, definitely. The ultimate, I think, has got some of the finer finesse of Lionel Messi. Wow. And I would say he has the sort of engine and dynamism of a young Brian Robson. Wow. Yeah, he's some footballer. He really is a force to be reckoned with. Whereas John Oliver, I would say,

is he puts me more in mind than the Swedish labs. Is it he, he, of it? Yes. But before he scored against England, and as far as that, he seems to, some people seem to think he's a good footballer, but the majority don't really spot it. He believes it. I don't know if he's a good footballer, but the majority don't really spot it.

He believes it. I don't know if he's doing something too soft, but basically for me, with John Oliver, the jury is out until he does a third of a yard overhead kick that goes in the top corner of the goal. And until that moment happens, I just don't see the fuss about John Oliver as a football player. One of your fellow comedians, Russell Howard, describes John as a very selfish player. Well, well, it's very tempting to say it takes one to know. But yeah, maybe that's exactly it. Perhaps John's just never squared the squared the ball across to me who I, I mean, I don't think it's any surprise that I, I'm more of a Peter Crouch figure off.

Right. Yes, I can see that. And by which I mean surprisingly good feet for a big lad. Great goal last season against Man City as well. Congratulations on that. Thanks very much. Yeah. Yeah. If the jury the jury was out on me until then it's been back in and I've been reprieved, haven't I? Yeah, you have indeed. Let's say, Alan, your ankle finally gave way on you. Oh, yeah. The wobble board no longer worked anymore. I love the fact you're mentioning my wobble board, but I've only really just got, but yeah. No, you know, I'm a big fan of the wobble board. I like the thought of you recouprating using one. I like the tools of me. The vehicle is worldwide now having

to go and Google wobble boards. Sales rocket, let's buy some shares now. This program won't come out for another few days. Great. So, but yeah, wobble board ink. So, so let's say you have to become a football manager. You've got a squad of 20 players including Zaltzmann and Oliver. Who's making the starting 11? Where are you going to play them? I would put Zaltzmann centre back or perhaps in his head, in the middle of midfield. Okay. And John Oliver, I think I would be very tempted to do the old left back and by that, I mean, left back in the changing room. Yes. So, yeah, good. I'm glad you got the old man.

No, I'm not. I'm not. Yeah, I, yeah, he wouldn't even trouble the middle order of the subs for me. Wow That that that that's quite a problem Until he scores that overhead kick from 30 yard down. I just don't see it Well, well, well, he's he's a loss to the game anyway, so maybe we're never gonna see that He doesn't even understand the rules anymore I know if he keeps talking about plays and transition. It's not sport, is it? It's just not sport. It's very

strange, it's hard to have a chat with and about the beautiful game. Yeah, yeah. Alan, thank you so much for your time. I think this has been enlightening definitely for me, and I'm sure for many buglers as well. Yeah. I mean, I,, the picture of Zulterman marauding around the picture is a beautiful one. Oh, he's some footballer, are you really? Alicocker, goodbye. And I'm sure it's not just natural, I'm sure there are some people watching the Inola Gay drop its sweet little parcels of freedom over Hiroshima and Nagasaki, who were straight on the phone to their stockbroker saying, let's go in long on Japanese wig manufacturers, there is

going to be a lot of hair falling out of a lot of heads. And I'm sure they were families in the blitz in London, carrying in their Anderson shelters as the naughty German bombs fell, with their children saying, daddy I'm scared. Don't worry little Bertrand, I'm all over this soft, gone in big on the construction sector, we just need to sit it out and we'll win big time. I've read this war like a mills and boon. And those shirts and sandbags are us and go shooting upwards. It's like Mr Perkins from two doors down is right now. Oh, and on his toilet as well, do not use your outdoor cars in an air raid. It will at best ruin your crossword.

Okay, I am joined now by Amanda Wilmer, who is a triathlete, not just any triathlete, she has represented Team GB at the triathlon World Championships in the age group category earlier on this year. Hello, Amanda. Thank you, Chris. Thank you, Bueglis. Oh, that's so nice to know. It's so nice.

I want to ask you, first of all, where did you do this crazy triathlon and what was it all about? So I did it in Auckland in New Zealand and it's like the grand finale of a grand pre of the ITG series and you get to rate all the other age groupers who are the best of their age group in a different country across the world. So you literally obviously you're not a professional the other age groupers who are the best of their age group in different countries across the world. So you're not a professional triathlete, but there you were in GB colours being overtaken and overtaking people from other countries. That must have been quite a buzz. Yeah, it was amazing. And you have an athlete's parade and an open ceremony and a shoulders ceremony

and yeah, it's a great honour. See, the thing that appeals to me the most and obviously we've met before and I've spoken about it, the thing that I like the most is the idea of hunting down foreigners and trying to overtake them. Yeah. That to me, it must be, you know, there must be something different about competing for your country surely. Yeah definitely definitely definitely on a hunt down any Australia and K-Waves. All the other countries are fine it's just that

little problem yeah. There's a healthy mental banter on the course so it's good. And why do you do triathlon? What's so good about it? It's diverse, it's sort of people who are mental, you don't really get bored, you've always got three things to think about, just an awesome sport and people are quite crazy and they fit high expectations for themselves. And so so people who don't do triathlon, the whole world should take it up, aren't they? Because they're wasting their lives if they don't do it. Absolutely. And are you going to be eating like a super healthy salad lunch now? Potentially. It's Friday. I might go for a fish and chips. Yes!

His life on the edge. Even triathletes have food-based fun. That's what we like to hear. I've got a swine. Right, that's it. Go sign up for a triathlon. This has been fun. I mean, it's not as good as the Bugle, but few programs are, which is why you should go and support the show go to the buglepodcast.com and Contribute cash money or they'll be less bugles and more of this shit shut up Also go to soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle and listen to back episodes of the show and and smile at the person called Jim Who has written? Who Chris in the comments section to every single podcast since we moved to SoundCloud. Very joe really. Shut up. Bye.

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