The Bugle - The Bugle – The worst bits of 2013 (so far)

Episode Date: March 29, 2013

Some amazing as-yet-unheard clips from recent recordings of The Bugle. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Bueglers and welcome to Buegl's sub-episode 229A, the A-standing of course for A, because

we are taking a week off for Easter and that is the noise that most people would probably make whilst being crucified. And, well, I cannot begin to explain the amount of empirical research that went into that line. I am Ante's ultimate and not with me this week for this week's non-bugal all the way from New York isn't John Oliver. So there is no full bugle on this most holy of all weeks but anyway you're probably too busy eating chocolate eggs and or praying to the Lord and or thanking the early first millennium Judean and Roman legal systems for giving you a couple of extra days off work. So you probably don't mind too much either that or you're just too busy taking

out your bugle voluntary subscription at www.thebuglepodcast.com. Write that down, actually don't write it down, type it down into your web browser. This podcast has already come back from the dead once, even Jesus hasn't managed it twice yet, or once. Whatever's your bag. So instead of a new bugle, we have some bits that were too damn funny to put out when we recorded them. Here you go. Use them wisely. Ben did you enjoy the Super Bowl, John? I did, Andy. I did. You know, I love a blackout me. I love it. It's exciting, isn't it? Did you enjoy the Super Bowl, John?

I did, Andy. I did. I love a blackout, me. I love it. It's exciting, isn't it? Yeah. I was... Let there be light. Let there be less light. Let there be light again. Especially the world in the nutshell. I did, like I did, you just see a shot of Mrs. Harbour there watching her sons coaching the rival teams. Saying to her sons boys

It's bedtime and it's lights out. Oh, and I say lights out. I fucking mean lights out no talking How did Bayon say performance go down John? Pretty well Andy pretty well, you know, she Bionts Bayon stood up. Yeah, if that is the right term and even if it isn't, I'm saying it. Yeah, she did, she did pretty good. Still from the Null's family, I prefer Tony, the former World No. 2 snooker player, if I had to choose one to have dinner with. Well, I mean, yeah, if you're snooker first in the way you judge people as another you

are, Andy, then that's always going to be the case. That's, of course, where Bounce and Jay Z met when he was doing the second round of qualifying for the World Championships in Prestaton. He had a very tough match with Ice Cube, I believe. And look, Andy, they may have destroyed these documents of historic Tim Buck too, but there's one thing they cannot take away, and that is the inherent silliness of the name Tim Buck too, Andy. No fire can burn that. No flame can stop that word from being silly to say. Tim Buck too really is an amazing place, not least because it has come to semantically be almost the universal reference point for somewhere

incredibly physically far away. The Oxford English Dictionary describes it as the most distant place imaginable and that has been true mentally as well over the last month, Andy, not even month years because it has been the most distant place imaginable from the thoughts of most journalists. If you take the spectacular lack of coverage that any of this has received up to this point, cats in dishwashers Andy, I'm telling you, cats stuck in dishwashers. As always, media interpretations of the motives behind this were pretty mixed, something to see as a blatant neo-colonialist land grab that had been planned for 80s but made to look like a sudden last minute intervention. Others portrayed it as a cross between a justified anti-terror mission

and post-colonial guilt trip, conducted as a last resort and has cleared the Marley and Militry themselves could no longer cope. And after all, it is a year since the situation kicked off in January 2012. Hang on, did I just say 2012? Yep, I hadn't noticed that either, but to be fair, there was a half a lot of top quality sport in 2012, and I just assumed the UN had it under control after all when the insurgency began.

Early last year, the UN sprung straight into action, like a coiled turd and past resolution 2054, what the fuck, it's only Marley. Of course, it's not, it's not actually any longer just a French who are involved. Britain has now announced our intention to get involved too while offering France a sizable amount of British troops if required. Obviously, sizable amount is a willfully vague figure. And also comes with this stipulation that downing street remains adamant, British troops will play no part in combat instead

offering help around logistics, intelligence and surveillance support. So let's take a step back here, Andy, and recap what we're learning. This means that the French have been fighting and the British have been standing around doing nothing. As the world turned upside down, Andy, I'm hanging out with astronauts, the French military's leading from the front. Popes are resigning. Nothing I used to trust in makes sense anymore.

So what next for Marley? Obviously, the best advice that anyone can give them is to quickly find vast oil reserves somewhere underneath their country, because that will guarantee them immediate global assistance and complete security for the future. There is literally nothing that tweaks the heartstrings

of the international community more than gigantic oil reserves, Andy. Oil reserves are like compassion steroids. They really improve performance of your conscience. What is true that Marley could be sitting on an absolute mummy load of minerals, and it's not the right term, mummy load, I can't remember. I could take Marleyans be sitting on an absolute mummy load of minerals. And is that the right term? Mummy load, I can't remember. It could take Marleyans out of poverty.

And mentally, if it works like natural resources work, else are in the world, it will only take about five marleyans out of poverty. But at least they'll be a fucking mile out of poverty. A long way, a long way out. And driving some unbelievably non-poverty-stricken limousines. But it's a start, John. It works in Russia.

Why not give it a spin? And the rest of the Marlions can just dream of a happy day when thanks to their shared mineral bounty that geology had fortuitously given them all, they will be able to proudly say that they come from the same country as an oligarch who's just chunked billions on a prominent European football club.

Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! In other billionaire news, the Australian mining tycoon Clive Palmer has announced ambitious plans to build and launch a copy of the Titanic and sail it across the Atlantic. Great idea. He described it as a tribute to those who built and backed the original.

Is it a tribute? I'll leave it to you again. To share their pain. And if it doesn't sink, was it not a tribute, it just starts in a like gloating. Ah! Here's what you're good of one. Apparently the ship is even going to be split to three different classes, replicating the original ship where poor immigrants took steerage

whilst the highest echelons of society enjoyed purest luxury in first class. Palmer said that he would be travelling in third class because it was more fun down there. Listen Andy, one that's not true. If I'm paying for a first class ticket, I want the whole experience which should include being able to walk down the deck hitting those peasants with sticks. This is fun. Weki, wecky, weck. Steak, steak, steak. Uh, he jokes that due to global warming, the risks of traveling through the North Atlantic waters

had lessened considerably since the Titanic lost its little battle with physics. There are not so many icebergs in the North Atlantic these days he said, and that's, that's John's the argument we never hear with global warming. Take that ice, global warming is providing belated justice for relatives of the victims of that terrible disaster. Those icebergs have gone unpunished for 101 years now. 1500 innocent lives on their icy hands. Let's stick a drone on them, John. See how they like it.

Now, of course, the apologists will say it's not icebergs that kill people. It's people driving massive, great ships into icebergs and then nearby ships failing to respond to distress signals that kill people and maybe they've got a point but it's just easier to remove the icebergs from circulation entirely and the main designer of the new ship Mark who can never said I can assure you from a safety point of view this will be absolutely the most safe cruise ship in the world when it is launched. Now, I believe similar words to that have been said about extremely similar boats to this before, and even if that's true, it's kind of, it's a hard sell-john.

Presidents is an extremely tough cookie to un-bike, just wait and see how many volunteers they get to play in the band. Polar Bear slaughtering news. Now, an American proposal to ban the cross-border trade of polar bears has been defeated at an international summit And to be honest, I didn't know there was much of a trade in polar bear parts Have you ever bought a bit of a polar bear? Not knowingly Andy no no no, I just asked for a white bear And they're got them possibly know. I guess when you start for Christmas presents you're going to think, well if only I had some dead polar bear I could give

it to people. There's only about 25,000 polar bears left in the world with an estimated 16,000 living in the Canadian Arctic and Canada is the only country that permits the exports of polar bear parts. John, do you know what a polar bear pelt costs? I'm going to guess, Andy. I'm going to guess it costs a full polar bear pelt. 300 grand. It's $4,850. Oh, that's too cheap.

Yeah, I mean mean it does. Well I'm still, as a one off outlier, it seems quite a lot. I mean you could probably get, or you could get what, seven or eight pretty decent HD television to do for that. And they've got so many more functions in the polar bear pulp. But it's that cheap for a borderline endangered animal. It is endangered animal, isn't it? I don't know if it's fully endangered,

but anyway they say it's a sustainable population up there, that's why the Inuit states are fundamental to their economy. I say it's a drug to find. Yeah, well I say, you know, it might $4,850, when it sounds like a pretty sizable sum, but yes, it's there at the initial outlay, but it's vulnerable apparently to polar bear, not endangered. So it's fine, basically, just pop there at the initial outlay, but it's vulnerable apparently, the polar bear, not endangered. So, it's fine, basically, just pop it on the barbecue. 4,500 sounds a lot, but the look on people's faces when you charge onto a crowded beach

in the middle of summer, that is priceless. John, do you know how many animals America kills and eats every year? Well, that is going to be a lot and that is going to be an almost nauseated It's 10 billion One billion in Britain, worldwide figure about 60 billion 10 billion 10 billion, there's a lot of atom that's including chickens and stuff Oh yeah, yeah, when do you do it?

You do your animals and they so you do have to include them. So, but as long as you don't kill the nice and cuddly ones, it's fine. It's absolutely fine. Not like seals, you can't seal traders band, because it's like a cross-missing a nice doggy in a comfy sofa. You can't kill that. I don't know what polar bears are trading for. I imagine it's probably something to do with Chinese medicine.

I imagine a polar bear penis can cure almost anything. And the same is sort of rhinos, which Africa's rhinoceros population is in deep trouble John, and the price of rhino horns has now more expensive than gold. The price of Rhino Hall has gone up from $4,700 a kilo 20 years ago. It's a $65,000 a kilo. Just for a little bit of Rhino Hall. Now, what just makes me think, if only that consignment of Rhino-terrorist eggs, I bought for £100,000 in that dodgy golf equipment shop in 1993 and hatched like they were supposed to.

I mean, I even roosted them in that big sand pit like I was told to. The eggs are so dimply and sweet where rhinos have wrinkly skin. But that didn't happen. But rhino horns are used in dagger handles in the Yemen and other places. And that seems outdated. John the Iron Age was fucking ages ago now. Also used in Chinese medicine for rheumatism, gout and possession by the devil. So that's it. So, you know, I guess it's a tough call if you're feeling peaky. I thought you could, I thought the best remedy for getting rid of the devil was just a dayquil, but maybe

there's a holistic solution to it as well. Yeah, I think you've been swissed, John, you've got to go with the Rhino horn. I guess it's a tough call if feeling peaky, you know, you might think, well, I love nature and shit like that. I love Rhino suruses, but a sore throat is a sore throat. And I've got 65 grand burning a hole in my pocket. I'm going to treat me to a kilo of Rhino horn. I'm worth it.

I mean, guess who's Chris? Well, I went to a Jesuit school. Really? Yeah. What are they like? Awesome. Yeah, there was quite a strict, and only one of the teachers in my reign got sent to prison for pedophilia.

Really? Yeah. Which I hear is actually quite a good strike, right? Yeah. And we also happened to play a sport against a school which was named that will give the answer away. So, shall I hold it for you, Griggs? Yeah, hold it.

Yeah. Did you get it, but you Griggs? It was St Ignatius. St Ignatius. Thank you, St Ignatius. A modern pope is, of course, now going to be subject to instant background checks from people online and he has had some controversial statements in the past, Pope Francis, he has a hard line on birth control which may be increasingly difficult to justify considering that the

same white week he was announced, Pope, it was also announced that up to 28% of South African schoolgirls are HIV positive. And if that doesn't change his mind, nothing will, which of course means that nothing will, Andy. He described the battle against gay marriage as a war of God, which hasn't gone down entirely smoothly in Argentina, which became the first Latin American country to legalize same sex marriage.

In fact, the president there, Christina Fernandez de Kirchner, also promotes a free contraception and artificial insemination. And where Pope Francis argued that gay adoptions discriminated against children, the president said that his tone hocked back to medieval times and the Inquisition, to which the Pope presumably just closed his eyes and the inside, muttering, oh, happy times. Simple, happier times. I can almost hear the grotting right now. Oh yeah.

He also sees to be quite the Argentine Patriot, and he telling Argentine veterans of the Falklands War at a mass just last year, we come to pray for all those who have fallen. Son of the homeland who went out to defend their mother, the homeland, and to reclaim what is theirs. Whoa! What is theirs? Slow down, holy father. That sheep-infested rock on the other side of the world is clearly ours.

Why don't you ask God about that? You made it pretty fucking clear to us that it was ours. That's right. He gave Israel to the Jews and the Fugland Islands to the Brits. Yeah. It's all in Leviticus if you read it backwards. That's right. He gave Israel to the Jews and the Fogland Islands to the Brits. Yeah. It's all in Leviticus if you read it backwards. Fact. Fact. You got to really relax your eyes and read it very fast. Look at magic eye picture. Yeah, more so. It will become clear.

The less you focus. Take out more following two subscriptions to the Pew-Walk Podcast now. A quick fact about Cyprus, birthplace of the goddess Hottie Aphrodite. Oh yeah nice. Goddess of love famously painted in 1485 by the Italian brush wheel the sandy bodicelli. And according to a recent poll 96% of male holiday makers in Cyprus described themselves as being extremely disappointed by the lack of naked Hottie's materialising out of giant scallop shells during their trips to the island. So a lot of problems for this place to face up to John. In a not particularly encouraging omen, President Bomber's armoured car broke down in Israel after being filled with the wrong type of fuel.

The car had apparently been waiting for the US President's answer our store right when it was filled with diesel instead of petrol. And the owner of a local tow truck company was called by the US consulate in Jerusalem to come and recover the vehicle. And he told a newspaper in an interview, Oh, they told me that it was a barmer's car. They didn't say what had happened to it. They just said it had got stuck. Only the mechanic was there when I arrived. The driver had left it in another car. The whole thing was very funny.

And I'm glad he was amused by that. Potentially catastrophic security disaster, at least a barmer managed to lighten the mood over there. And maybe that's worth trying on a bigger scale. It's one of the only techniques that we haven't tried yet regarding a Middle East policy. A slapstick president. Have you car breakdown? Maybe a deliver a speech in Gaza with a bit of sandwich still on the side of your face. Maybe walk into a crucial negotiation with Nenya, who in a bus and accidentally slam your own nuts into the corner of the table.

Everyone loves a nuts shot, Andy. Both of them falling over, laughing. The ice is broken, boom, two-stake solution, done. In one of his speeches, Obama said, just as Israelis built a state in their homeland, Palestinians have a right to be a free people in their own land and urge the audience to look at the world through their eyes.

And then after a slight pause added, preferably without blasting their eyeballs out of their eye sockets first. LAUGHTER And he also emphasised, and I don't think he's probably the first person ever to say this. He said that compromise was necessary for peace. Has anyone ever... I don't think anyone's ever suggested that before. Compromise.

I can't really understand what those words mean together. No, no, I don't know. No, I do. BELL RINGS And that's all for this week's sub-episode. I hope the subliminal advertising messages weren't too intrusive. There will be another sub-episode next week, while John is in Australia trying to

cannot crop it all or something. Before the 230th full bugle next week, that is a lot of bugles that most of you haven't yet paid for. The buglebuckers.com. In the meantime, goodbye. Goodbye.