The Bugle - The Bugle Welcomes Our Alien Overlords

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

It's official - the aliens have landed! Do we care? Will they take us to our leaders? Also, what was Button Moon? Plus, a bad week for God and his 'filthy books'. Also, Biden gets closer to the floor than was ideal, the lengths people will go to for their phones, and the latest entries to the Wall of Fame.Why not check out 15 years of top stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanAnuvab PalTiff StevensonProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Bugleers and welcome to issue issue 4266 of the Bugle, the world's foremost audio refuge from reality. I am Andy Zoltzmann and today is the 5th of June 2023. And if I'm not very much mistaken, this is the day on which in exactly 20 seconds time, the planet will be struck and destroyed by a giant asteroid shaped like a golf ball thought to emanate from a shanked drive in a distant galaxy during a game between Roman number one ranked god Jupiter and a local deity. The asteroid has taken around 1800 years to get here. That's when the game took place. We assume Jupiter lost because we would have a quite the same again and faded

from prominence thereafter and it should be hitting us about 3, 2, 1, now! Oh well it turns out I was very much mistaken. Oh well, that's never nice to be proof broke. But it does however clear the path for me to record another issue of the bugle of my two guests today. Firstly, representing the entire continent of Asia and everyone and everything who lives there comes from there has any ancestral link to their once or a TV documentary about Asia or even just occasionally thinks about it. From Mumbai it's Anuval Pal. Hello Anuval how are you? Hello Andy, hello I am well. It just touched 42 degrees in Mumbai right now and this might

be shocking but there actually no people on the streets of India because it's so hot it's about five in the evening here when I say no people I mean we're down to the last million people there's still a few million people on your streets do you make my street correct correct so yeah that's that's been happening and very quickly I should also mention that last week India got a new parliament. You guys had left one behind a while ago and finally they decided that we should build one of our own. We talked about this in our BBC series, isn't it? The space

based on an Xbox controller, isn't it? Yeah, correct, correct. It's a hexagon. The one that British built Edwin Luton's, that was round. And this one, Prime Minister Modi, personally, oversaw the architectural design of it. And his architect, not Albert Speer, the other guy, Bimal Patel, that was the name of the architect. He built this parliament to fit over a thousand members of parliament. So, right, the old one fit 549. So, I don't know what Prime Minister Modi's plan is, but at some point we might have the largest number of parliamentarians ever put in a building. Right. Maybe that's just part of the heritage that you've well inherited from the British time because our parliament we have 650 MPs plus. I think it's up to a thousand lords, so they can't all squeeze in at once and most of them are asleep. But even so,

I mean, this is this ridiculous, ridiculously large number of MPs given the ridiculously small amount of votes that put them there, particularly in the House of Lords when the votes that put them there are zero. Can I just ask you who the large, the fourth largest voting block is in the House of Lords at the moment. Does anyone know this? Is it the bishops? Yep, the Lord's spiritual, as they are officially known. Right. Well, that's good news for God, more of whom later in this show, joining Anivab and me representing the rest of humanity, past, present and future. Don't let them down, it's Tiff Stevenson. Hello, hello from the book, Nick. I was trying to work out what 47 degrees was in Fahrenheit,

because weirdly at school, we had a Fahrenheit. I learnt Fahrenheit everywhere else in the UK, it's degrees. But I knew if it hit 100, we'd get a day off school. So I think officially that's 107.6 degrees Fahrenheit. So 42 Celsius is 107. So essentially you could you could just carry an egg into the street and it would just slow poach within, I don't know, eight minutes when you reckon. We can do that live on the computer. It sounds easier than my method of tipping some white wine vinegar into a pan and then whisking it

and or involving cling film. It's just, it's cling film, yeah, you can plop the egg into some cling film, tighten it not and you get a poach. You've got to cut it all off after I think it's probably environmentally friendly for us all to just fly Right to Mumbai, okay You see this is the benefits of a cross-continental podcast you guys could give me recipes and I've got an oven right outside the door

So I could just walk out and try things and come back I just woke up and tried things and come back. BELL RINGS We are recording on the 5th of June, as I mentioned, the 7th of June. So Wednesday of this week is apparently global running day. The obsolete but still strangely widely used form of foot-based transport. In fact, celebrates its 100,000th anniversary this year. Running was invented in 97,977 BC, of course. By an early human who cleverly realised that you didn't have to keep something on the ground at all times, unless you're playing snooker, of course.

It was a good lesson for humanity to learn. Never take tips from a snake. How long did it take our species to learn that? This open up a possibility, not only a fast of movement and fewer instances per person of being eaten by a dinosaur, but also paved the way for the evolution of sport. So do celebrate global running day for making life bearable. As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, a Teach Your teach yourself mind section. We give you some classic mind scenarios and I will show you how to mime them. Admittedly this is a podcast so I hope you can pick up exactly what's going on. Scenario one, a person stuck inside an imaginary glass box, a person stuck inside an actual glass box, A former Prime Minister sitting in front of their well-worn mirror coming to realise how

they will be remembered by history. A tennis player thinking they've won a match point at Wimbledon before realising they're actually in a river surrounded by crocodiles. And a horse walking into a bar. That section in the bin. Can I just say I would like to see an Andy's ultimate mind shot? Quite a lot of my audiences have been thinking that actually while I've been talking at them. Top story this week, supernatural beings. Well, since the dawn of time itself, us humans have wondered whether there is something bigger than ourselves.

Pretty quickly we realised there was. A hippopotamus, for example, or a mountain. But that didn't stop us wondering whether out there in the infinite bigotude of the skies above. There were people or things like us living on distant stars, maybe made of green slime, or looking very like us, but with unconvincing prosthetic heads, or with the kind of human-like bodies affordable within the budget of a 1960s TV sci-fi series. Or even we wondered where their deities tooddling along on the top of the clouds, amusing themselves by ruining our lives for their own entertainment. And over this past week, we've had to examine the existence of aliens and gods once again. We'll address the aliens first. NASA, the celebrity space-bothering American government agency famous famous for such smash hit missions as Apollo 11 to the moon,

spoke for the first time about the many UFO sightings it has investigated. Now, Tiff, I know you have been abducted by aliens on more than one occasion. So this is a subject very close to your heart. I mean, you can tell us about those occasions if you want, but I mean this is, this is, I mean, hugely exciting. They're basically, you know, they pretty much admitted that the aliens are already here. Yes, they've described them as unidentified aerial phenomena, which sounds a bit like a Cirque de Salachio.

UAPs, UAPs, doesn't have quite the same ring as UFOs, but you apps, it doesn't have quite the same ring as UFOs, but yeah NASA is doing a study into unidentified objects. It's different and separate to the pentagon study, so it's like the sharks and the jets of flying saucers. They're actually going to be competing rival gangs. I don't know who the guy from Blink 182 will join, but maybe that's the main storyline. But yeah, so unidentified aerial phenomena, my mate Gavin actually spotted floating glowing lights deep in the Welsh countryside one night and thought it was a UFO, but he was actually peeled up and turns out it was the underneath of an XR2. So we all make mistakes. Yeah, so they're investigating the phenomena they've been getting, I believe they've been

getting grief for it. I'm interested in the fact that whenever we talk about an alien race, we always assume they'll be uniform in their ideals or personalities, like they're going to either be a tiley, menevolon or benevolon. But what if there is just one alien that everyone thinks is a dick? You like, the alien that walks into is a dick? You like that? The alien that walks into the bar and everyone rolls their giant eyeballs at. Just Doug.

Everyone finds Doug objection, but oh god it's Doug again. It's going to tell us about his divorce. But I welcome the invasion because that means that they'll actually take us when they say take me to your leader. We can actually find out who's really running shit. Because I'm not convinced is any of our governments at the moment. So yeah. Yeah, they've reported apparently there's 50 to 100 sightings a month reported in the USA. And Nat has said the number of those sightings which are quote possibly really anomalous is just two to five percent. But I mean, that

adds up, if there's, let's round it all up. 50 sightings a month and I'm five percent of them are, you know, genuinely anomalous, genuine UFOs or UAPs. That is tantamount to almost two and a half thousand alien visits to Earth this millennium alone, and more than 300,000 since Egyptian civilization started taking off. Is that coincidence? I don't fucking think so. I mean, another thing's done the brand new of it. You say UFOs, no more, now rebranded as UAPs,

unidentified aerial phenomena. Thank you, Brussels. Or is it the woke? Who are we blaming for this nonsense? I don't like change. But Anuva, I mean uh... this this news gone down in uh... in india well you know we have so many objects flying around in the sky

not regulated by the department of civil aviation that we've lost track what a u ap is and what was just like a person or a cow flying to the sky we just we've lost track of what's going on, but I'm particularly interested in this online abuse part of it. Because the tip set, you know, a lot of these people who are doing this research, are getting a lot of abuse. And my question to you guys is, well, who's this abuse from? Is it from people who don't believe that what is found is the kind of alien they'd like?

You know, or is it just people? I mean, I could see myself getting very angry. who don't believe that what is found is the kind of alien they'd like. You know, or is it just people? I mean, I could see myself getting very angry at a scientist and saying, that's not an alien, you know, and just writing a bunch of vitriol against that person. Because, you know, I have a specific view, I think. Can I call human beings what an alien should be, which is an object riding a cycle with a bunch of very young kids in a Steven's people.

Every age one of us had their own thing. And if it doesn't fulfill it, I think abuse is needed. It's almost required. And you have to vent, and these are good people of end too. But I also feel like this particular unit of NASA, the, you know, like, NASA constantly gives us updates, right? And it's all over the garden and the BBC. And it's tiny updates, like, you know,

they've possibly found some jet streams on the moon, you know, which could indicate the signs of water. But fundamentally, we all interested in only one question. Right, that's all we're off. So we just won't call it for that one question. Well, it's the aliens, it's not me. They've shut me off, they've shut me off, guys. I think the question that Tiff asked is really the pertinent question, which is the only thing we're all interested in is have we found Doug. Have we found Doug? Where's Doug? Every other report that comes out from this unit of NASA,

no wonder it attracts abuse because it's just distracting. Well, also no wonder it attracts abuse because it's happening in the year 2023 when everything attracts abuse. And this, I mean, the news report said that the senior research official Dan Evans at NASA Science Unit said members of senior research official Dan Evans at NASA Science Unit said members of the research panel had received online abuse and harassment.

Do we even need to put that in news reports now? Can we not just assume that sentence is attached to anyone in any news story? We all know it's happening. I'm not saying it's right. Panel Chair, David Spurgel said, if I were to summarize in one line what we've learned is that we need high quality data because of course traditionally with UFOs we've relied on You're kind of low quality data and that no longer suffices because traditionally when it comes to UFOs

We've relied on low quality data such as 100% of Mike from rural Wisconsin claims to have been abducted by aliens directly from his underground bunker 80% of people who know Mike think he's bullshitting But the remaining 20% IE peat the prepper who owns enough vacuum-packed powered powdered food to last for 43 years Things it definitely happened. So we are looking to raise the quality of The statistical research that goes into working out whether the aliens have taken us over Mike Mike needs to hang out with my friend Gavin in the Welsh countryside for a little while. I think one

of the fun things is when they do actually get here we'll be describing everyday things to the aliens. There's always been a little thought experiment, hasn't it? I was thinking the other day how would I describe mascara? I'd be like, well it's like trousers for your eyelashes. Um, describing your iPhone, it's like a misery brick. Everyone must carry their burden and scroll it whilst they take a shit. So we can just... I'm not taking its own way.

Yeah. How would you go about defining, you know, explaining test cricket to aliens? I think that might be the thing that protects us as a species, that we start explaining how we've developed this form of entertainment that goes on for five days involving people repeatedly throwing a ball at someone else 20 yards away, and at the end sometimes no one as one. I think they might then think that we're just better off leaving us to our own devices.

I think it's our courageous defense. Sorry, I just think I've been rented. I also feel like it's always unexpected things that, you know, people always think aliens will want to go to Washington DC and take control of the White House. And like in all the movies, they always want to control some seat of power, like Beijing. What if they want like, things we're're not expecting like mango milkshakes?

Nobody's thought of. Yeah, but I think you want to get a wide beathor and get absolutely blotter. They're coming over to join the cast of Love Island. Doug wants some dating opportunities. There was. since his divorce. There was quite, I mean there was a lot that was quite entertaining about this report, including the explanations for some of the objects that were cited in the sky, which a lot of which turned out to be just fairly ordinary objects, commercial flights, for example, a Bart Simpson-shaped weather balloon. Now this was initially thought to be proof that aliens had come to Earth and had the capability to turn cartoon characters into giant flying versions of themselves that would soon destroy a soul. Now this raised obvious concerns,

stroke hopes, deletically, into how much humanity to survive, about giant crime-busting dogs floating around the world, the return of dinosaurs, no Flintstone fans, particularly concerned about that, and also worries about enormous irritating rabbits looming over us, eating the world out of carrots and constantly questioning medical professionals. Other explanations for object sighting this guy include that it was the frisbee that the Soviets wanged into space to try to get Leica the Cosmodog to press blast off in her rocket Boris Johnson's ego Also one of the reported sightings turned out to be a cow which having jumped over the moon in the traditional manner was now returning to earth in a controlled

reentry to avoid roasting up into it entered the earth's atmosphere. I was in following Mr. Spoon over Button Moon. I think I might be the first Button Moon reference ever on the bugle, which why don't we now head into 16 years in Button Moon the British children's TV show. You're quite hard to explain Button Moon to young people, but basically it was the TV show. You're quite hard to explain button moontah young people but it was a TV show involving a couple of wooden spoons and some buttons. That passed for entertainment in our youth limited. And the moon was a button. The moon was a button.

I have no idea what this is. I'm assuming this is something to do with two animated spoons and an animated button. Not animated, actual spoons. Of course, of course. Just too regulars. That's too much technology. I like how Tiff is shocked at the idea of basic animation, even in 1980. I think you can trace our national decline to when button moons ceased being on our television screens and educating our youngsters. Chris, you must have watched button moon. Yeah, I'm trying to, was it literally just spoons with googly eyes? Yes, and some kind of narrator.

Yep. And that was it, five minutes a day every day. Yeah, after button moon will follow Mr. Spoon button moon was the song. It held this country together during the difficult decades of the late 20th century. I'm so happy. I'll have you know it sounds better than the last three Netflix shows I've seen. They should be using this for the right as strike. Yeah, I'd love to see two Spoon's talking to each other. You know, I just have one very quick question for you guys.

You know, there's a fundamental assumption about intelligent life outside that there's inherent curiosity in that intelligent life to reach out to earth. And therefore we send these radio signals, we send stuff continuously to try to make contact. What if they don't give a shit? What if they're very happy, quite xenophobic, and are not interested? They're listening to all these radio signals, but they don't wanna get in touch.

Like a, I can X, X, Y for, you know, like it's just... That's it is possible, isn't it? Also, it's possible that the radio signals they've received a football phone in shows of the radio, and they figure that we are just two confrontational species to be worth bothering with. So again, sport is saving humanity. Well, that's the basis of COLS.

Is it Sagan's contact? That they're sending back stuff that we sent out to them, which is videos of Hitler. That's the first transmission they can back through. Just other objects that have turned out not to be UFOs include a sighting of what turned out to be Elon Musk's new hyperbrain, which is an expanding disc-shaped hard drive, that originally fitted in his head,

but unfortunately the tungsten silver alloy reacted on contacts with his brain and his ego. Also, it expanded rapidly and burst out of his head and is now circling the world in a low orbit full of crazy ideas. And the egg of an Airbus 380, they mostly don't lay when in flight but every now and again one for slipping. Why is the egg made up of? Is it just that frozen block of piss that is injected?

All eggs off. So as I mentioned, I mean this is, we are recording on the 5th of June 2023, the day before the night, which if my two-dimensional predictions are right, we'll see the moon crash into up to 130 different stars. And that could potentially clear a path without stars for extra UFO spotting. So do direct your binoculars to the sky tonight. By the time you record this, obviously, that will be out of date. Concerns have been... Just on the subject of the night sky, concerns have been expressed by the international

organisation for the inescapability of consumer capitalism that the night sky presents a worryingly vast area of unbranded visible real estate that could prompt people who find themselves staring into it for long enough to doubt the necessity of purchasing more stuff. So the delicate world economy really is endangered by not aliens so much as just the night sky itself. So I mean, if you are a bit evasive, well I suggest you've been a Dr. Bail and you didn't either confirm or deny. I don't think I have been, although I did once do a gig in Yatton in Somerset, so I do have some idea of what it might be like to be surrounded by lifeforms with whom I'm

unable to communicate in an atmosphere of mutual distrust and confusion. So, I'm... Are you asking if I've been pro-Dandy? Of course not, family show. And if I've ever been taken by alien life? You know, there's a town in India called Jyotpur, which is right on the border with Pakistan. And I was doing a show, I was doing a corporate show there, and no one had told me that Pakistan and I was doing a show I was doing a corporate show there and

No one had told me that the hotel I was doing a show in was in the flight paths of Fighter jet practices at night and they would often cross the the sonic boom speed of sound thing while they were practicing So when I began I began my show, you know There were three sonic booms that looked like giant explosions. And the entire, as first time's happened to me, the entire audience whom I couldn't see in the dark, just ran, just disappeared. So, and then I, there was this assumption that the, like, every of this rumour spread

that there was an alien invasion from Pakistan where there unleashed a bunch of aliens into India, and that's what the sound was, and it was only 40 minutes later, it says, no, it's just a bunch of migs practicing, but I lost that audience due to aliens and my payments, absolutely. You should have told, see here, if we hear that sound, we were just gone, oh they've brought Concord back. Correct. On the topic of night sky advertising, how long before we see proper adverts

on an overnight flight, like middle of the night empty sky or going over the Atlantic, why can I not see Walmart Kellogg's Nike? Because Orion has been taking up all of the advertising space for a long time. Moving on from aliens to almighty beings, what has been a tough week for the renowned deity God after his biography, The Bible, was banned in certain schools in Utah due to the vulgarity and violence contained within. School listening to you, too, I may also now ban the book of Mormon on similar grounds. I mean, this is, I guess this was just a matter of time because the Bible does contain

an awful lot of passages involving people begetting and begetting each other. And the unavoidable inferences that, and please, be aware, as cover your children's is, particularly if you're a new to. The unavoidable inferences that some Bible figures did in perflotate their banbonglers into other Bible figures Virginia Blutes and we cannot allow our children to be exposed to such utter filth. Utter, utter. I'm not usually in favour of banning books but but for once I think this is absolutely bang on the banana. Adam was famously created with no underpants so the early face of the Bible

featured a grown man wandering around with his junk, wobbling and wobbling all over the place, which is kind of thing that just really needs to be editing out these days. Well, Adam's genesis co-star and celebrity squeeze Eve began her career provocatively topless. And I mean, something had to be, this is long overdue. The song of Solomon was pretty much the Debbie Does Dallas of the Biblical Era, well, in terms of violence, clattering a popular magician and rack on tour to a couple of planks of wood with a mallet and some mega nails is not exactly the kind

of bedtime story that's going to get your children off to a sound night's sleep. So for me, while people may think it's ridiculous to ban the Bible for children, I am absolutely onside with it. What do you guys think? One of the good things I think that's happened because of this bookpanning and the rise of Ron DeSantis and everything's going on in Florida about the statue of David and finding that offensive for children is finally a really criminal group of people are going to be under scrutiny and they are librarians. They've been the root cause of all evil in the world for a very long time And it's about time that they entered, you know the crux of this culture debate and

Hopefully many of them will be taken out of shot Keeping keeping the wrong kinds of books Do they think the Holy Trinity is about three some? Not not just a three some but a Theresa with a ghost. There's a lot. You're right, Andy. The burning bush that takes on a whole new meaning, same for Sermon on the mound. Now I come to think, I agree with you, Andy, ban this filth. Does this mean hotel rooms are putting free jazz mags in every top drawer?

It does seem that way. It does seem that way. What's interesting is, is that there's sort of on this book banning, I was going to say, Jack, is it, you know, at the moment, and the guy he put this rule in place, Ken Ivory, said, traditionally in America, the Bible is best taught and best understood in the home and around the hearth as a family. What is a hearth? What year is this? People don't even have fireplaces anymore. Also, if we're going to look at books that children shouldn't read, I think we should think about banning some of the kids' books, actual kids' books to worry about, because recently I had to explain the children's book, Flatt Stanley, to my Scottish husband,

who had never read the books and just was like, what is this? This sounds like a horror film. Flat Stanley, boy gets flattened by Billboard. His parents stick him in the post and just post him around the world. His brother flies him as a f***ing kite before eventually he has pumped up with a bike pump. Ban this film, Stanley. Little old Mrs Peppapot. The old woman who shrinks the size of a Peppapot claims she can talk to the animals. Who is this mad woman? She needs institutionalising. Ban this filth or the very hungry caterpillar. A book about a caterpillar who's eating disorder turns him into a beautiful butterfly.

Ban this filth. What a awful stuff. I haven't read Graphalo. Is Graphalo a bad person? Creature? Thing? It's very popular in India, Gaffalo. Well, I mean, if you read any children's book through the right prison,

it is, as Tiff said, absolute filth. The Gaffalo, I'm sure, is absolutely no different. I can't even remember. I'm going to have to read that book a hundred times, am I age? He didn't do much wrong. The Gaff the graph for those biggest crime was was threatening to eat a mouse really at one stage. Right. And in the sequel, you could argue, actually, it was a fairly responsible single parent. Just, just he happened to have quite gruesome features. Yes, I mean, the law that was passing Utah last year allows parents to request the removal of books containing pornographic or indecent

material. The purpose of this law, well, I mean, it's quite art, I don't know what the exact purpose or without going down a very dark, dark passage into the recesses of American Christian conservatism. But of course, the problem is that one person's pornographic is another person's cysteine chapel ceiling, and one person's in decent is another person's absolutely basic human biology. So it's interesting this law is now we sort of fired back and resulted in the banning of the Bible and again I mean the Davis School District in Utah decided that although the Bible doesn't contravene the law of Utah it was not suitable for younger students and you know I had another read of it because it's been a couple of weeks and so I read the Bible cover to cover. And it does set a bad example right out the trap, start off Genesis.

I mean, nothing to do with violence or pornography. It just sets a bad example. It shows children that if you rush a job just so you can have a day off, the chances are you'll f**k it up. And that is why the planet is such a mess today. You make loads of mistakes because you're rushing it through. You know, if only God had taken, I don't know, let's say 10 years to make a planet and might have been less of a mess than it is today.

Also shows, you know, throughout the book, we see God's unwillingness to work through problems by talking to people, helping them learn about themselves and improve and reach a harmonious shared plan for a better future. That is not what I want kids to learn about, you improve and reach a harmonious shared plan for a better future. That is not what I want kids to learn about, you know, how he deals with problems by flooding the entire world,

reducing cities to rubble, mass in fantaside and locusts. That is not how you deal with problems kids. This is why this book must be banned. Quite a sudden, it's questionable, how you're fathering a child with a young woman who is in a relationship with someone else. That's, I mean, neither in or there,

but I am glad that the children of Utah will grow up in purity and innocence. I think it's actually quite an uplifting book about a child star who goes off into the wilderness and stages a comeback. Right, yeah, I guess so. In the middle of the years, you know, that's hopeful for a lot of people in the entertainment business.

Yeah, you say it was in the entertainment business, to me that if that sounds like you're perpetuating the trope that Jews run showbiz just because of the point. Jesus made it to the top. Now the whole thing about the statue of David in Florida, I guess that school district wanted to ban it because David was nude. Now, that would create a slight problem with most Greco-Roman architecture. I mean, I have wondered. I mean, it is true that we walk around and see a lot of Socrates and Plato in these museums.

You realize that they held a lot of sermons without any clothes on. And they were saying really, really intelligent things, semi-neued. And great, you know, but I'm glad Florida is asking the questions. Who was attending these things? And should these things be spread at business schools around the world now? Yeah. Like if you are teaching organizational theory at the University of Pennsylvania, do you need all your clothes? Well actually, I mean you see the heights of philosophy and science and creativity that the ancient Athenian civilization reached when, as you say, the maximum you could expect was a half-assed cloth. Then maybe that's, you know, lesson for humanity that clothes have made us stupider as a species. That's the only conclusion you can draw. Well, it's just consistent. If you're going to ban one book, ban them all,

even if it fits with your agenda, I sort of admire it in a small way, like, you know, and in Utah, which is home of the Mormons, isn't it? Yes. You know, there's more Mormon than mountain in Utah. So I like, I give them ultimate points for consistency. Yes, I mean, the book of Mormon itself could be bound famously adapted from the hit stage musical and containing practical tips on the absolute deluge of admin that comes along with a commitment to beligamy.

How the f*** the people manage it? When I read the headline Andy, sorry, the first time you said me this new story, I was thinking the two things you don't want to demand with the Bible and the musical Book of Mormon. Some people have said that this shows that really we need to find a way of living more harmoniously. And having a slightly more nuanced position on what constitutes offensiveness. And what I would say that we live in an age where nuances have its day. We simply cannot any more reach nuanced positions of mutual acceptance on anything. And I would go in in fact, so far

to say that nuance should be banned outright, it never helps and is always confusing. It's very hard to this. Ban this filth. Ban this filth. Political figures news now, and let's start in India and of our sensational story from the last week or so. A government official was suspended after he ordered an entire reservoir to be drained after dropping his phone in it. This might be the greatest abuse of political power in human history because it is simultaneously ridiculously absurd. Essentially, he even argued that it was helpful because the water drained

from the reservoir helps local farmers and sort of a metaphor for human waste in the state of the planet today. I mean, I don't see there's any new story that could ever beat this one. This is absolutely correct. And that's the angle everybody took, you know, the wastage of water, you know, in a country that starved, you know, 1.3 billion people. We don't have enough water. And here is Rajesh Vishwas, junior bureaucrat in the Paraklod district of Uttar Pradesh, draining a reservoir to find a phone, right? So when viral this new story, so look, Andy, this new story that went around the

world basically went viral, accusing Rajesh Viswas, this junior bureaucrat in the parat code district of Uttar Pradesh of draining a whole reservoir to find his phone, right? And they said, you know, 1.3 billion people were short of water, what is this man doing, draining a reservoir? The fundamental question nobody asked, and I think this is why it's a cruel world, is did he find his phone or not find his phone? Was this exercise worthwhile? And the first podcast in the world to report Andy because nobody's followed up on the story that Rajesh Fishwas did find his telephone right and he lost his job he's been suspended it's very sad he found

his phone and three days of repairs of the phone have not yielded any results so he's still can't use the phone well I mean who would have thought that after dropping it in a reservoir and taking days to find it that it might have some water damage? I mean, the way he dropped it in the reservoir, apparently, he was taking a selfie as you can see. Correct. Of course, you do whenever you're standing next to a reservoir, otherwise, how do you prove

that either you or the reservoir really existed? And he dropped his phone into the water. At which point he had two options. Option one, think, oh whoops, that was careless. Oh well, it's only a phone. I can get another one and learn a valuable lesson about not taking selfies near reservoirs without attaching the phone to a floatation device just in case. Or option two, empty half a million gallons of precious life giving farming assisting water out of the reservoir over three days of pumping in an effort to find the phone and Hope that being underwater for three days hadn't in some way damaged it

If how do you think he plumped for option two? Here's the thought process. Apparently he's a food inspector So he dropped the phone and he was just using the three second rule but taking it to its ultimate extreme I think normally when your phone gets wet you need to put it in a bowl of rice. Unfortunately drained all the water That the local farmers were gonna use to grow the rice. So that's had the the adverse effect. I like how much inconsistency there is in this story because He claimed the gu- the phone had sensitive government information on it because I'm like if you drop the phone just leave it.

If you're worried about sensitive information being found on your phone, surely one of the safest places for it is at the bottom of a fucking reservoir. Moving slightly up the political power food chain from an Indian food inspector to the president of the United States of America, Joe Biden, who the White House has said is fine after he tripped over a sandbag and fell over on stage at an Air Force Academy event. I mean, Biden could do without these things, the way that Trump will attack him for being even older than Trump is. He could do without these things, and it does look increasingly, if America will essentially

be voting for one of two living aging metaphors in next-generation. Biden was a metaphor for the aging process of both humans and their civilization. And no matter what else we do, we will eventually fall. Whereas Trump, of course, is an absolute Esop's fable made flesh. The tale of the city of f**kwits who indulged an absolute f**k, even more than sheep and wolves if you want, or ducks and sharks, or pigeons and jet engines. But it's clear what Esop meant. But it's going to be tough call for America,

I assume, they both win their party's representation between two flawed individuals. I mean, how do you choose between someone who occasionally struggles with trip hazards and someone who sexually assaults people, mocks that are disabled, encourages it's a... The mind's democracy, justice, press freedom,

and pretty much every other underminer aspect of public life, it fosters racism, who is not absolutely everything, and spreads corrosive deceits that eat away at the fabric and structure of society, and who spends too much time playing golf. I mean, Chris can just edit that list down to under 10 minutes if he could. So it's going to be a tough call. Tough call for America. Science news now, and well Britain has been rocked by, well further, evidence of the impending end of our species after a petting zoo endorse it, accidentally created a new

breed of killer sheep. It may not be an actual killer sheep, but let's assume that it is because this is what happens when breeds get cross-bred in films. What happened was a valet ram and a shetland you enjoyed some sweet woolly love across the barricades that resulted in an exciting new strain of sheep creature that was surely one day, destroy us all, all be someone's lunch, it's been early to say at this stage, but the Rameo and Giole get encounter took place when the shetland brought into the fallazine closure and well family show enjoyed some quality sheep time together. The love poetry flowed between them, was assumed to be love poetry, it's a bit hard to tell with sheep, everything they say rhymes, and with the result, bar, bar, bar. The result of the eugenics was a lamb

named Paul Gini, because its legs injup were vertically. It's reportedly a very advanced species of hybrid sheep, it's reportedly terrified of mint, which is a good if overdue evolutionary development for lambs and a strong advocate of veganism. So progress, being made. I mean, it's charming, love storing a lot of ways, isn't it? It's beautiful, isn't it? I like that Hank gets to have his name in print, the ram, but the Hank gets to have his name in print, the RAM, but the U is unnamed in case we slutshame her. But she jumped the fence apparently because the heart wants what the heart wants.

So Hank sounds like an absolute unit because they didn't even know she was missing because apparently he was so big you couldn't see her in the pen. But I definitely think of this story tonight as I try and get to sleep. Look I've never been to a British betting zoo but they're turning into dens of sin. Absolutely yeah. Well that brings the end of this week's bugle. Thank you very much for listening. Anything to plug? Tiff. I will plug catharsis. My podcast also on the bugle network. And there's

a great episode out at the moment with Ian Moore, comedian, turned author, turned person at cricket with you at the weekend, Andy. Yeah, he was at cricket with you. Yes. The weekend, Andy. Yeah, he was a guest on Test Match Special. On his third, his third attempt, well, the first time he's supposed to be on the entire match was canceled. The second time he's supposed to be on the game had ended by the time that he could be on. So he finally managed to get on on the third time, third time lucky. So have a listen to that. Also, I will be doing a run at the Edinburgh Fringe, one week of work in progress at the Monkey Barrel, and it's

a midday, so one week come and check that out. And if I... Well, similar to TIFF, nothing to do with Ian Moore, although I find him lovely and he was in Mumbai for three weeks, many years ago. I will be doing a short run at the Edinburgh French Festival, but here's the thing, this is what I want to announce about the run, it's from the 14 to the 28th, but it's not me as a comedian. What's basically happened is that, Andy Tiff, I'll be giving up comedy, the show is titled the Department of Britishness. And I'd like to announce, I'd like to announce very quickly

here that I've been hired by the Deputy High Commission to promote Britishness in India. So that's going to be my new job. You guys run down your country far too much. And I think that there is this great Britishness that has been lost in time, especially in India. So I'll be going around promoting that. So I'll be just mentioning the talking points of my new job after comedy. Who's going to manage the cues for the show itself? That is surely fits under the purview

of the Department of Britishness. It'll be quite austere I think. of Britishness. There will be quite a steer I think. You can hear the current episode of The News Griswyr, the BBC Sounds app or other parts of the internet after that. It finishes this week and if you like cricket, are we banging on about cricket in numerical terms for most of the next two months? We will now leave you with our bugle wall of fame, our voluntary subscribers who have helped. Contribute to the show to keep it free, flourishing, and independent to join the bugle voluntary subscription scheme. Go to the buglepodcast.com and click the right button. And here are the great contributions to human culture of some of our voluntary subscribers. All of our wall of fame this week have been pioneers in the field of geography.

Samuel Price discovered that the reason glaciers flow so much slower than rivers is not because they're made of ice rather than water, but because they are more chilled out, both literally and metaphorically, they simply want to take their time to appreciate the wonders of nature. Dan Milburn was the first person to prove incontrovertibly that pyramids and volcanoes are not related. Much geological scholarship prior to Dan had held that pyramids were in fact very neat, very well structured, dormant volcanoes. On the subject of volcanoes, Wendell Sheppard formulated an almost universally accepted theory that most volcanoes are upside down, hence the Earth has a molten core filled

up with volcano blasted liquid rock. Melanie Cohen was the oceanologist responsible for working out that Antarctica is bigger than the Arctic because penguins are more careful investors and hung onto their land, whereas the devil-made-care polar bears from up north sold theirs off and now have to bob about on bits of ice cap. Greg Dawson worked out that the quantity-size and gloominess of rain clouds in the sky in different parts of the world is not in fact directly proportional to the number of poets living beneath. Phil Haines has calculated that there was supposed to be a large continent in the Pacific

Ocean. There's no reason for it to be so big explains Phil, so it's quite clear that whoever designed the world meant to stick a continent there, but forgot, or couldn't be asked at the end of a long week. Philip Jones worked out that, in fact, contrary to popular belief, a relatively small percentage of roads do actually lead to Rome, although that percentage has in fairness come down significantly over the past 1500 to 2000 years. Ed Hockey calculated that the Grand Canyon is actually 35 times deeper than is

popularly believed. It only looks about a mile deep but actually the empty bit stretches another 30 miles upwards explains Ed. We just tend to focus on the bit with sides regrettably. And finally Scott Manson discovered that underneath the sands of the Sahara there is an old ancient Roman hypercost heating system covering almost 3 million square miles. That's why it's so hot, Scott notes the weather is incidental. Thank you to all our bugle voluntary subscribers, and don't forget to join them now! and don't forget to join them now!