The Bugle - The Bugle World Cup Special

Episode Date: July 1, 2026

Welcome back to The Bugle, and issue number 4384a, The Bugle World Cup special, where producer Harry has been riffling through the archives to find some of the best clips from the previous World Cup's reported on the Bugle. From the 2018 World Cup democratic rankings, Mark van Bommel’s diaries, Puns from the ‘66 WC wining England squad, and we have access to some rare Bugle commentary from the Maradona's goal in '86, the 1950s WC clash between England & USA clash and the 1954 World Cup final!Thank you for listening, we’ll be back next week…There you go, what a show it was. Now please help us stay alive by donating at thebuglepodcast.com  Donate to Emilia: https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/p/a-safe-accessible-home-for-emilia🎤 Get tickets for the LIVE episode of The Gargle HEREhttps://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/the-gargle-live-fri-26th-jun-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202606261800/🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman. This is Bugle's sub-episode 4,384A. For all you're getting in this sub-episode is Bugle World Cup clips. Yes, this is a Bugle World Cup sub-episode special. Producer Harry has been rifling through the archives to find some of our best World Cup-related clips from previous Bugles. Specifically from times past when I gave more of a shit about football World Cups than I do now.

First up, this is from our Bugle Live show at the Underbelly Festival in London in 2018. I was joined by Tiff Stevenson and Alice Fraser those notorious World Cup fanatics as we discussed the World Cup Democratic rankings ahead of that year's tournament. Now, as always, a section of this audio newspaper is going straight. It's going where? In the bin. Correct, you are very well trained. In the bin this week we have a bugle weekly World Cup.

Cup supplements. You're excited about the World Cup? Who here is from a country that has no team in the World Cup? Where are you from? USA. USA? You suck. If you're wondering, how are you going to choose which team to support? England?

Well, no, you shouldn't just be as blind as that. You're a democracy-loving nation. You should support the most democratic country in the World Cup, which are, according to the World Democracy Index is currently Iceland, who are ranked number two in the democracy rankings. The opening match pits Russia who are 135th out of the 167 nations

in the list, versus Saudi Arabia 159th equal, which I think might be the least democratic World Cup match in the history of the tournament, at least since the Soviet Union took on North Korea in the group state of 1960.

of course. But Group A, which features the hosts and the Saudis, is the least democratic group, if you're looking for a group to be disgusted by, on a moral level. They average 11th in the World Democracy Index, the 14th. And that's even with Uruguay, the Independent Republic of 10-man Uruguay,

as football fans know it. They are the 18th most democratic nation in the world, dragging the others up. And that is 49% more undemocratic. than the next most least democratic group in the World Cup, which is Group B, which raises the intriguing possibility of an Iran 150th versus Saudi Arabia 159th. Second round match. I love a stat.

And on the good side from England's point of view, we are a democracy-loving nation as well. And what greater motivation could our boys need to overcome our recent disappointing tournament record than the fact that they know that the other three teams in Group G are way less democratic than we are. And we have a moral right for humanity

to win those games. The UK, or as it's known by large sections of the English media, England, is 14th in the democracy rankings, the bloody Scots and the Welsh and the Northern Irish dragging us down with an addiction to totalitarian despots, otherwise we'd be top. But we actually cannot face a less democratic nation

than ourselves until a potential quarter-final against Germany, at which point we might have to delve back into the historic rankings. Let's jump back four years now to the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. This is from issue 271 of the bugle. John Oliver joined me as we fail to contain our excitement, ahead of Brazil hosting the tournament for the first time in 64 years. And thanks to the BBC, we were able to answer. access some rare commentary from that

previous World Cup in Brazil and the 1950 World Cup England v USA clash. World Cup and well John I will be reporting live from the World Cup exclusively for the bugle from South Paulo well from London just 5,700 miles from Sao Paulo in Brazil

where in just one week's time the waiting will be over and the football can begin as can the diving time wasting tactical negativity shouting the referees, bleeding about referees and TV over analysis of referees. It's the World Cup, John. The World Cup. Life does not get any better than

the one week before a World Cup for me. The anticipation before the slightly disappointing reality of 0-0-0 draws kicks in. Smell of a wall chart, Andy. Just unfold it, blue-tack the corners. It's a dancer's oldest time, isn't it? Yeah, dance as old as time, well, I don't know.

Dance as probably only goes back to 1930 in the first World Cup. I don't have even had war chart. That's where time begins for me, Andy. Yeah. That's certainly where time begins for Uruguay I think. They won the 10-man Uruguay. I did a kind of World Cup preview for the Independent. I'll post a link on the Hello Bugler's Twitter feed,

but it's just one week next Thursday, one week from today as we record, Brazil v Croatia and the excitement is building like a Lego-obsessed child. So many questions to answer. Can Brazil triumph on home soil? I really hope they do, John, because I was in India when India won the cricket World Cup on home soil.

and the nationwide frenzy of excitement almost woke Gandhi up. Although my abiding memory of that joyous occasion was on the streets afterwards in which I was the victim of some quite horrific racial abuse when this car of young Indian lads pulled up alongside me just in the streets, wound down the window and shouted, go home white man.

And I thought, man, that is so 1940s. But then I remembered I was actually due to go home the following day so they could just have been from the airline. But if Brazil does win the World Cup on home soil The bouncing up and down Could cause South America To flip North America into the air like a pancake

The continent shearing off at the Panama Canal Definite weak spot Landing at a bit of a skewy angle Out in the Pacific And I just hope they play well John I think Brazil generally make Or break a World Cup I hope they play with some flair

Some of the old-time Brazilian sides Played football so beautiful It made you want to dig up long dead relatives Blast some very strong coffee into their faces And shout What are you doing being dead, you idiot? Wake up and watch this. Great to see you, by the way.

You look fucking terrible. Really fucking terrible. And are you still wearing that tattie old robe from the funeral parlor? It is filthy. And then, of course, next Saturday, I think it's England, Italy. Classic confrontation. Dante versus Shakespeare.

Da Vinci versus former kids TV artist, Tony Hart. Pavarotti versus Kajagugu and Bruno Lesi's Duomo in Florence against the smashed up bus shelter on the A243. It is one of the all-time great cultural class. The buildup has been slightly overshadowed by the controversy over the revelation that the Catar bid might have been rigged. As revelations go, awarding a World Cup to a country in a desert, the size of East Anglia, with a population the size of East Anglia and slightly less interest in football than, for example,

East Anglia. That was about a surprising revelation as discovering that Captain Scott at some point said words to the effect, yes, chaps, it is a little bit on the parky side. But to take you into the World Cup, we have been delving around in the BBC archives to the last time the World Cup was held in Brazil. That was back in 1950 and there was a famous class, John, between my country

England and your country, the USA in that World Cup. I don't know if there's been much talk of that in the American media recently in the city of Bello Horizonte and I managed to get hold of the original BBC commentary from what was one of the greatest upsets in the history of world football

that rather punctured the assumed superiority of English football. and these funny little American chaps it really is terribly good of them to turn up for the game up against the founding fathers of football of course England look at their little faces the Americans so excited to be allowed out to play and when one can only applaud the spirit of sportsmanship which has driven them like lambs to the footballing slaughter to come take the rightful god-given punishment to be duly meted out by the greatest footballers in the world tom finney stan mortonson and we don't want to waggle it in people's faces so the great stanley matthews not even playing to

they might keep the score in single figures. If we're being polite and the referee, it looks like to start the game, has a word with the American players, presumably apologising what's about to happen to them, puts the whistle to his lips, said this could be tremendous fun. There will be a lot of goals here.

They will start flooding in from those ever-so-English boots. This will be tremendously funny to watch. 38 minutes later. It's still nil-0, rather polite display by England so far, most considerably allowing their American friends to enjoy the first half before, putting them thoroughly in their place

after half-time. Oh, f-ck. Fucking hell, America's scored a fucking goal. What the fuck was that? Who's got? Do their players have names? I didn't even consider it. Well, some little chance running off

looking rather happy. Oh, well, I guess it's going to be 10-1 instead of 10-0. No biggie. No biggie. Well, I'm in America. In the 90th minute. Ficking hell, England,

fucking do something. Learn to pass the bore, you useless pieces of shit. Kick the bollocks. Sack the manager. Ref, it's your fault! Your fucking fault, ref. But that's it, I'm going to smash up a restaurant and urinating a fountain back to London. Let's have another Bugle Classic Commentary now.

This one comes from the 1954 World Cup and the final between West Germany and Hungary. Now time for the first in the Bugle Classic World Cup commentaries. And the BBC very generously let us delve into their archives. And this one comes from the 1954 World Cup final between Germany and Hungary. Here we're here, BBC commentator Droston Crandling. It's Germany 2, Hungary 2, with six minutes remaining. Here come the Germans, the ball force the Iran. He shoots.

Oh, f***c it's got in. Shit it! The fucking craps are going to win the world. Borgant both sacks. I lost half a fucking leg in the war thanks to these guys. How much of these cheating f***ers paying them? Well, if there's ever been a moment of this miscarriage of justice, I haven't seen it.

Shit bad, McGonogals, I'm out of here. And this classic commentary comes from 1986. Mexico, quarter-final England against Argentina, Diego Maradonna, minutes after punching the ball into the neck with one of the most impressive pieces of volleyball ever seen on a football pitch. Picked up the ball just inside his own half, with the whole of the England team lined up in front of him. Here's ITV's man on the mic at the time, Pernell Hinge. Maradonna gets the ball now, the cheating little shit.

What are you going to do? Punching in from the halfway. You prick. He turns now. Kick the fucker. Passed Beardsley. Wack him, you loser. Passed Hodge. What part of kick that bastard of the balls are you struggling to understand, hodge? Passed Reed. Nail him! Frikeennail him!

He's up to Fennick now. Come on, Terry. Put him in a body bag. Ficking fucking f***. Shit, he's past Buccher as well. Friking twat him, Terry. Just shunton to beat now. Take his fucking head off pizza. I don't give a fuck if he scores.

He ruined him. Oh, boy, look it's in. Oh, no. It's said too now. Oh, that was a tremendous goal by the little magician. Laurie McMenemy, have you ever seen anything like that? Is that... Actually, you say you're crying. I remember that's the first time I think I cried at sport when England lost that.

I remember I just think I was 11 years old and wept, salt tears when England went out. Just Linneka missed that. A fucking open goal header at the end. She's only still got a career in television. Is that right? Is that right? Jumping forward from that cosmic injustice to 2010, and the morning after Spain were crowned world champions over the Netherlands,

we had a bugle exclusive from Mark van Bommel's World Cup diary. Sports news now and, oh, it brings me no joy to say this, John, but since we last talked on the bugle, the World Cup's finished. No, no, Andy, I don't believe that is true yet. I'm afraid it is true and finished quite a long time ago now as well. And to be honest, it was pretty shit. But at least the right team won, John, Spain. Yes.

in after one of the most dirty football matches of modern vintage, the final with frankly reprehensible Dutch team. And leading the way for Holland, of course, was the midfielder Mark van Bommel. And as always in the aftermath of big sports events, books get rushed out. And I just bought to see the diary of Mark Van Bommel today, and I thought I'll show you one of the entries.

This is from just before the Dutch team flew out to the World Cup. Great, yeah. Today I woke up. I excitedly looked in the mirror, but my hopes were swiftly dashed when I was still, clearly, Mark Van Bommel. I kicked my base and then raked my studs down the side of my bathtub.

I then brushed my new electronic toothbrush, which I had specially made. It has little replica football boot on the end, and when you switch it on, the boot repeatedly kicks your teeth and gums until they're clean. Helped me psych up for the day ahead. I went downstairs for breakfast,

sithing my two-year-old daughter down as I went, before running away before my wife could tell me off. I walked into the kitchen, elbowed the coffee machine right on its cappuccino frother. That had to hurt. Then poured some cornflakes into a bowl. I put the bowl on the floor, then clattered into it from behind, studs raised, shattering the bowl, and sending the cornflakes flying all over the kitchen floor. Yum, I said to myself, the perfect breakfast.

Darling, I shouted to my wife, I'll just take the dog for a walk. I wouldn't do that, replied my wife a little angrily. He snapped two Achilles' tendons and did his knee ligaments after he walked him yesterday. come on I hit back I was going for the ball Rover hobbled past me growling fuck you I muttered at him surreptitiously treading with my full weight

on his bandit's rear left pole I'm Mark Van Bommel Well What a read Very good read Very good read The Dutch really were incredible honey Paul and I were talking about before

And I think Just as you know As Edam was the abiding memory Of the previous World Cup I think my abiding memory of the last World Cup final will be Javieronto getting kicked in the heart. Kicked in the heart. Unbelievable. That means it, I mean it's now, it would have been 12 years by the time of the next World

Cup final that there was lost a World Cup final in which someone didn't get kicked in the chest with, or hit in the chest with a bit of someone else that wasn't supposed to be there. It's true. Well, Cups have not always been kind to England football fans, but one of of the greatest results in recent history was in 2018. Nish Kumar and James Nekisei joined me as we celebrated the unprecedented result. South Korea 2, Germany,

Nill. World Cup news now and... It's coming up! It's coming! It's coming! Well, I mean, we have seen one of the greatest days in English football history. The heroic performance. The result none could quite believe.

Unprecedented in the living memory of England's national game, Germany nil. Korea too. It's coming home. Germany, an amazing World Cup record. They've been semi-finalists in 12 of the last 16 World Cups. Nish, do you know, the last time Germany did not reach the last eight of a World Cup? I do.

1938. They didn't take that well. So let's hope times have changed. I like how we're all joking about that date. I'm also not really joking about that day. We're all slightly concerned. England, meanwhile, just last night, roared to a brilliant 1-0 defeat by Belgium, leaving us to be only Colombia in the next round and then Sweden or Switzerland. Not just an easier route to our glorious destiny in the first of between 5 and 10 consecutive World Cup wins,

but also cleverly avoiding matches against teams with which our tabloid press can dig up and trivialise and debase historic conflicts. I'm going to have to really go something to find much to a competition. Much to kit. Charlotteship out with Colombia. But before England's brilliant, 1-0 defeat to Belgium, we'd hammered Panama 6-1. I mean, take that, you canal-waggling,

isthmus-hugging, hat-obsessive cigar-chumping bastards. You have that coming, you ocean straddling losers. Payback for being the location of the ill-fated Darian scheme in the 1690s that led to the near bankruptcy of Scotland, prompting the Act of Union in 1707 that formed of the United Kingdom, which of course recently voted for Brexit. It's all your fault, Panama. Vengeance is a dish, best served cold, and unrelatedly.

Now, go home and buy another vowel and think of a name for your capital city, a canal, all you have that isn't just the same name as your country. Egeland, Egeland, Egeland. There has been a lot of talk about how a lot of the... No real team has stated, has kind of put down a kind of marker of a performance. There are teams that have played well. But all I will say is, Russia are doing well.

And that's where I'll leave it. Russia are doing well, the World Cup is in Russia, Russia are doing well. That's all I'm saying. Russia are doing well. Right. Say no more. The World Cup is in Russia and Russia are doing well. It's Nishkuma, Nishkumar, Sainan.

It goes on. It's Nish Kumar. Well, as discussed, Germany did suffer, really one of the biggest failures in their footballing history. Biggest failure in Russia? Biggest failure in Russia. I mean, I've got, I guess, a bit of a check of record in that part of the world. Imagine they've been playing in Leningrad.

Once again, we are very delighted to have access to the commentary from our colleagues on Deutsche Television Schweinsweister. Sam Wester. We've partnered with in 2014, the German National TV Channel. Here are the closing moments, as described, once again, by the commentary team of the former German internationals, Torsten von Schnauts and Manfred Wittlesnitz. It is still in Null-Nusuf,

but the national manchap the second week to triumph of Deutsche Gwynn't. Yeah, Deutton, but it is World Cup, they have been a very, very shite. Yeah, Manfred, but we will have a second left in the match on his win, the 5th of the World Cup.

The South Korea have a A goal. What? It was a goal. What a word? A, A goal. For Dutch?

For South Korea, Germany, New, South Korea, one, One? What? The South Koreans

have a stick in the ball into the back of the net. One, zero. And off scorn, two goals in three minutes, shalt! You,

11, five, Sheight! Menwell, Neuer, Not in the goal! Oh! I set it so off. A other goal

toast in 2.0. 2. I have my Luftflout book for the day after the finale. Flammagast. I... Shit!

We sit more shite in the football of the England. Sheight. Thanks to our German colleagues for... Bit of revenge, Andy. I love my job. And finally,

another one from our live run at the Underbelly Festival in 2018. Alice Fraser and Andrew Maxwell join me as I ran through some puns from the 1966 World Cup winning England squad. Right, I think we are... I did have some half-prepared puns on the 1966 World Cup team.

But no, no, they're not... They'll keep, Andy, they'll keep. I'm not going to... I hadn't finished them. I'll do a couple... Anyway, a mate who was... He was friends with all the 966 World Cup winners. some of them in fact

given that I didn't finish writing this but he was very superstitious he kept his money in locked vaults guarded by bronze sculptures of Medusa the snake-haired mythological ancient Greek petrifier yes so he called them his Gorgon Banks

I like the shame in your eyes when you say them shame is it really shame anyway he came to me complaining one day that he'd been ripped off. He'd said that his car had broken down and his guy had come to help him, had promised something to raise his car up so he could get underneath it and then a new device to put

in the ignition and switch it on. And my mate had given him 200 quid, but then he just gave him a cheap knock off that didn't work. And I said, well he sounds like a real Jackie Charlton. Jackie Charlton, no? That's probably right. Anyway, sorry, to calm himself down, he went for a walk on some rather sparse hills near where he lived that were strewn with these strange giant jelly-like deposits, the blobby moor. Oh, sorry. Anyway, they had the special...

There were lots of fences, but had special places to climb over them. It's been very artistically designed made out of these round chunks of wood. It was supposed to be like the bishops from a chess set, but actually looked more like a man's thingy. They were rather knobby styles. I think that deserved a little bit more

just a little bit more but he had a collection of metal models of his favourite film stars Eustinoff sellers Kapaldi but then he dropped them and they fell under the wheels of a passing lorry oh no he said my tin Peters my tin Peters

anyway he was the first man ever took a meal for three different US presidents the first to use yellowfin tuna in a venison casserole and the first to run an entire professional kitchen without spoons that was a lot of chef firsts anyway and he liked to hide thesoreses in trees in his low

local woods and then go out and find them and shoot them. He called it a Roger Hunt. Tough crowd. Don't look embarrassed, Andy. You deliberately asked for this extra time. Tough crowd. Tough crowd. This is now not extra time. This is penalties. But

he kept in touch with the managers from both sides, in fact. And he had a German friend who was so traumatized by his country's defeat that as a gesture of goodwill, my friend gave him a photo of the two managers shaking hands off of the game in 1966. Ah, that is very nice. his friend said, I will put it on Zavol.

Al Framzi, picture. Al Framzy, Al Framzy picture. But what he hadn't noticed was that the German manager actually had his flies undone. Amid all the excitement,

he'd just unzipped his flies during extra time out of just accidentally. And the end of his Planca was clearly visible. He had his helmet shorn. I mean, I'm not even sure you need to know that. I think that was quite good. I mean, that was technically... Well, thank you for listening to this.

collection of football-related bullshit. We will be back soon with a full bugle if you want to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme to help keep our show free, flourishing and independent for all future World Cups to come and everything else in between go to the buglepodcast.com

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