The Bugle - The Class Dominator (4228)

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

Andy is with Nato Green and Helen Zaltzman to talk prostate exams, sex crazed politicians in the US and UK and Slovenia, where there's some mildly good news.FIGHT THE POWER, VOTE BUGLE...Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanHelen ZaltzmanNato GreenAnd produced by Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Budalus, and welcome to issue 4,228 of the known universes leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world.

I'm Andy Zoltzman in the Sherevon Quenchable Truth-Ignus in South London, and as we record, a power only Russian state media has warned that the UK could be, and I quote someone else quoting them, wiped off the map by a nuclear attack using an underwater robot drone that sparks a radioactive tsunami. Now, on the plus side, this underwater drone is going to have to wade through literal shit to make it here, because our heroic British sewage system has been blasting untreated shit into our coastal waters for more than apparently 160,000 hours last year. Bear in mind there's only 8,760 hours in a year, that is a f*** of lot of hours. On the minus side, according to Demetri Kiselyov, also known as Putin's mouthpiece, TV news presenter without a completely

unbreakable commitment to truth and objectivity, which is all the rage these days. He said that Britain could be swamped by this radioactive tsunami. Now, whilst this would possibly make swimming in the sea marginally more hazardous from the health point of view, it could also play Mary Havoc with the cricket season. So I'm very much opposed to it and living in a state of some concern. Of course, Kisalov is welcome to come on the bugle and try to explain his rationale as to why this might be a good idea. And it should be said that this nuclear attack from an underwater drone remains unlikely to happen. But if you do hear things starting to splish and splash around radioactivity in the background, well, let's just hope it's just a government drill. Now joining me from A, a radioactive tsunami safe,

eight-floor flat on a Helen Crystal Palace sensible planning and B, pretty much identical genetic pull to me, is the quibbling sibling, Helen's ultimate. Helen, welcome. I mean, you moved into a flat quite a long way off the ground. Did you have advanced knowledge

of the Russian radio exercises of tsunami threat? Hello Andy from the nuclear ship filled gene pool. So did you have advanced warning of this Russian nuclear tsunami threat? Oh, not yet. All right. Well, that's, you actually did learn Russian at school. Yes, I technically did learn Russian. All right. And so I'm now well placed to translate Uncle Vanya if the current conflict requires. Okay. That is starting to look deeply insensitive now, your choice of school subjects.

And also joining us, making up an all-dewish issue 4,228 of the bugle, as promised to our people by God in the Bible. If you read it backwards, from San Francisco, it's NATO Green. Shalom. Shalom bitches. As our forefathers used to say. How are you? How are you, how's California these days? It's okay. So Andy, as has often happened on the bugle, I have to report to you on my dealings with the Nightmare-ish American healthcare system. I recently had a medical debacle, you could say. I was having a P constantly, I was in pain, in my groin, I went, I didn't sleep for a week.

My wife is a clinician, and so she thought I needed labs done in a prostate exam to rule out prostate cancer. I called my medical plan, Kaiser to get an appointment, and they said, what is the problem? And I said, my dick hurts. Sorry to laugh. No, it's, I mean, it's, I, deep sympathies for your pain.

Thank you. Well, it was like, I was like, I wanted to convey some sense of alarm, and it felt like using euphemisms would not get the level of urgency that I was trying to get across. So you want the medical, technical language? Yeah.

Uh, I, yeah, I, I. Yeah, I pulled out my medical dictionary and said, technically speaking, my dick hurt. And they said, do you want a video appointment? And I said, who is paying who for this transaction? But are we doing doctor visits on only fans? So I can't get an appointment, I can't get exams. I'm miserable. I do a gig and then go from the gig directly to the emergency room. And I get my first prostate exam in an emergency room in an open bay. The doctor tells me to lie on my side and curl up a bit while he inserts his

fingers into my buttole. And it reminds me of the line from Gabriel Garcia Marquez that the first fall brings brings old age and the second fall brings death but Marquez clearly didn't know about prostate exams and so they describe my prostate as not boggy which is a good thing but now I know that that's a descriptor that you use for the prostate is boggy which I find horrifying. that's a descriptor that you use for the prostate is boggy, which I find horrifying. So what is yours like, if not boggy, feel the concrete? Alicant? Yeah, yeah, it's resilient.

Resilient. Resilient, it's like a hardened, yeah. The prostate can only be described using the mechanisms that are used to flame and distill scotch. So it's either Pete fired or coal fired. So the then after about a week I my symptoms resolved my labs go back to normal. At some point during the process my I get some labs and my wife, the clinician, looks at them and says, either you're fine or you have imminent kidney failure.

And then our kids walk in the room and she's like, I don't want to talk about it in front of the children. Um, so anyway, the, the upshot is probably, I passed a kidney stone and either it was a small kidney stone that messed me up but not as bad as kidney stones can do or it wasn't a small hidey stone and I just have an incredibly tough urethra. So that's what's been going on for me.

Right. Congrats. Yeah, well congratulations the correct term. Yeah, I guess it is. Sort of like getting engaged I guess. I feel like I can't put something. Yeah. And, well, bugle listeners, if any of you want to describe an intrusive medical procedure with reference to a giant of South American literature, do email us. Perhaps you want to explain an endoscopy in the style of Isabella Enda.

It's up to you. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the style of Isabella and they, it's up to you. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight. In the bin, this week we review the latest reality driven children's books, as children just seeks to express more accurately for our youngsters the reality of the world and future they're looking ahead to, including Tommy Terbitt and the Trauler of Doom, exciting scripts and an introduction both to the economics of fishingbott and the Trauler of Doom, exciting scripts and an introduction both to the economics of fishing quotas and the environmental cost of the fishing industry. Norbert the naughty knight, Crusades based fun on frolics as Norbert and the Crusader crew

to spend some I'm elseingly gory brutalities in the name of Christ, a repeat with graphic depictions of siege life and hilarious bouts of fatal dysentery. And there we look at the Petyula the Petyl and Piglet series, including Petula says goodbye to her siblings. Petula comes to adorning realisation of what sausages are, Petula lost swill and testament, and of course the heart-rending series finale from Abator to Abator when the young pig having got the dream gig as a backing singer for the reformed Swedish pop-iske icons. Finally, Meet her maker in, quite harrowing, harrowing scene. That section in the bin. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B- Tuesday, the third of May is National Paranormal Day. I don't know what nation it is Paranormal

Day in. I couldn't be asked to check and I'm just waiting for some. But possibly. But let's just assume it's wherever you live. And therefore, this episode of the Bugle is being haunted by no fewer than five celebrity ghosts from the past and future. See if you can pick them out by playing this episode backwards into a Bluetooth enabled Ouija board, then listening to the echo bounce back off from mysterious forcefield between 0 and 500 miles above the surface of the earth. If you are listening to the show whilst on near a UFO, it will sound a bit weird as if it simultaneously underwater on fire and in Latin. Also the third of May is World Press Freedom Day. on fire and in Latin. Also the third of May is World Press Freedom Day. There will now be a special five-second gap in which you can tell us as part of the world's press exactly what you think about

this show. If that's not enough there will be an extra blank minute at the end of the show for you to finish off. On your marks, get set. Well, thank you for your firmly expressed candor. We will take all of that on board. Top story this week. Misogyny. Now, misogyny and sexism, are they the real MNS or the new SNM? You tell me, buglers, but here in the UK, it has been a week in which men, the far famed demographic group, who make up just under 50% of this nation's population, but can boast around 65% of its MPs, have been contributing as is so often our way. 100% of the stories are frankly abominable behavior in politics. Reports have suggested that a total of 56 MPs, including three cabinet ministers, are facing sexual misconduct

allegations, assuming that they are all, or mostly men, and I don't think that is a large assumption to make, that's around one in eight male MPs, which seems more than would be ideal with all due respect to the seven out of eight who've somehow heroically managed to keep their wondering whatever's to themselves. It'll come to them. It will come to them. And topping this all off, the story kind of reached its nardier stroke zenith, um, delete, according to whether you are judging it based on the depths being plumbed and our post morality, who gives a shit. Look at Ukraine, stop complaining about me sticking my plunk or in a pot plant political landscape.

Or if you're based on whether you enjoy collections of words that you never thought you or anyone else in the known universe would ever hear. For example, these words, member of parliament, caught watching pornography in the House of Commons on his telephone twice. Once whilst next to a female government minister, then claims he was trying to look for tractors. Helen, you have spent much of your working life studying language. Where does this stand amongst the sentences

that really should never have been constructed in the order that was constructed? I would say it's's easy top 50. I'm just leaving room for worse to happen. What I found intriguing in Sparrow's, any of this is intriguing, was that this MP, Neil Parrish said the situation was following off, it was tractors I was looking at,

and I did get into another website that had a sort of very similar name. And what could that be? Is it something to plowing? What is a tractor-related URL that could also be pornographic? Don't tell me. I simply don't want your opinion about this. But in a way, it's the most honest thing a Tory has said in a long time. That he was looking for for tractors and found. Well, then he went back to the website knowing that he was looking for sex tractors. But I mean, I don't agree with people watching porn at work if that is not their job, but it is better than most of what the Tories do when they are working. Right. So I mean, it is possible, isn't it, that he was, you know, I guess, just trying to find something that had a more robust, sort of moral code than sitting most other conservative

MPs and behind the Johnson front bench. So, yeah, maybe we should try and look on this from the positive side. NATO, did this story reach your side of the Atlantic? Yes, it is. And I am incredibly relieved about this story because, you know, not that long ago, I was on the bugle, and we were talking about Jeffrey Cox and the corruption investigation. And what a refreshing change of pace from corruption and the British government not knowing what a party is to get into this misogyny story. And I understand it. I mean, like, you know, he said he was looking at tractors and then he ended up on a porn site. Who among us hasn't made that mistake? mistake. You can imagine the unexpected porn vortex I found myself in after looking for recipes that used cumin and star anise. It sounds implausible that you start out looking at tractors and then end up at porn, but the first rule of

porn is that if you can think of it, there is a porn for that. And I don't even need to look to know that there is a genre of tractor porn. By the way, there's also definitely bugle porn out there. We're porn actors vaguely resembling bugle co-hosts just stick it in the bin. Oh. Oh no.

We did get sent some slightly alarming fan fiction many, many years ago Chris I comment for you on the show that it was it was pre me, but it was still very much a conversation I've been and it was horny. Yeah horny and haunting I'm a little surprised that the The internet works well and often the houses are parliament Got some very thick old walls. Yes. I did expect the accused MP to defend himself by saying,

I had absolutely no idea it was pornography. I thought I was watching a wildlife documentary on the mating rituals of apes. I could not for the life of me understand why David Attenborough had not popped up yet. I was watching someone else's video medical appointment. Well, in the end, so Neil Parrish, MP and former farmer, so he claimed he was looking for a tractor brand called the Dominator, specifically the class Dominator Combine Harvester.

That is a very Tory sounding Combine Harvester. It is. It got taken to another site which contained pornographicals, as discussed, and he then revisited that site in a later occasion, but not to see whether the class Dominator Combine Harvestor had somehow managed to develop a hybrid contraption that was half Combine Harvestor half woman the long awaited mermaid for the farming world. Now obviously what puzzles me most about this Is that the class Dominator 115 CS is renowned as one of the most erotically charged

Combine Harvesters available on the market anyway, from its sensuous threshing cylinder to its almost seductive straw walker to its unstoppable horn inducing cut-a-bar. So quite why Parish felt the need to seek his girl theory and kicks elsewhere remains something of a mystery. And even if the class dominator did not sufficiently, as we put this on a family show, scroop his agricultural potonton, well, what's this on a family show, screw up his agricultural potomton? Well, what's wrong with a good old-fashioned massive Ferguson 399?

A 130 horsepower super tractor. So goddamn ripped, you would have to be a permafrosted pope not to want to drive it behind the nearest hay bell and get down to some seriously agricultural business with it. Um, I'd like to ask now, of course, I mean, Helen, do we need to be a little forgiving that, you know, previous generations of MPs were not presented with such easily accessible temptation in the pre-internet days. The closest similar incidents our bugle researchers could find was from 1867 when a

Sustrangeford Mellard was overhired, making a strange grunting noise and sensuously stroking a curiously shaped Greek vase he'd outlined from the British Museum. I mean, is he just a victim of his times? Well, he has been caught twice. How many times has he done it that he wasn't caught? Well, that's a good question, because I don't know. I mean, if you extrapolate from the broader national crime statistics in which, you know, at a ballpark figure, let's say 95% of all crimes are not solved, and I've made that statistic up, but it sounds about right. And assuming that

being in parliament gets away with more, I reckon that's probably his 6,000th visit to a horny tractor stroke pornography site. It is often boring in there, probably. As British people, did you know anything about parish before this? Absolutely not. No, I mean, no one had heard of him. So I looked him up, because I was trying to figure out, like, is this, because he's resigning over it, and is this a loss to the legislative process that his voice will not be heard?

And here's a quote from one of his speeches, no government irrespective of their political persuasion can stop what blows on the wind. When you're right, you're right, everybody. And his legislative record of the policies that he worked on, I think it's a huge loss to the comments to lose this pioneering policymaker on the top issues facing the people of the United Kingdom who was an expert on policies regarding dog control, the fines imposed on grocers, and the culling of badgers, that's according to his own website, his top legislator

priorities. Well, he was the chair of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Select Committee from 2015, which probably just a back-and-out for him, all those vehicles. Further reports have emerged as the broader issue of misogyny in politics has gripped the media recently, including that one of the Christmas parties held in 10 Downing Street has been investigated for contravening COVID laws, involved the handing out of a sexist of the Year award, which on the one hand it was probably considerably more hotly contested than the even vaguely

competent cabinet minister of the year award or the member of the number 10 downing street staff who released the based and damaged our democracy award. But I mean, this government sort of wears its appalling cards firmly on its sleeve. And all this has happened in the self-proclaimed mother of parliament, the confused embarrassed considering disowning all her children mother of parliaments. Beyond that, there was also a story in the mail on Sunday about a conservative MP claiming that Boris Johnson was distracted from his prime ministerial duties

in the commons by Labour deputy leader, Angela Rainer, having limbs like Sharon Stone did in a film once. It, it, it's been pretty dark times for, you know, as a fully paid up member of the patriarchy as I am. I mean, and you know, I know you define yourself very much as a patriarchy. It's getting increasingly hard to defend the franchises, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, I would have gone for a more current reference than a 30-year-old movie to describe someone. What's Sharon Stone being in recently?

Just switch it for that. Whatever that is. Yeah, the... But the allegation about Angela Rainer was that she had crossed and uncrossed her legs, which is what Sharon Stone did in the movie, except that Antelrainer was fully clothed, and the whole thing about Sharon Stone's seat in the movie was that you got to see her, and this is a technical term, Baltoco.

And saying that a woman moving her legs is the same as a woman exposing her actual vagina, is like saying a pigeon is the same as a tyrannosaurus rex. In a strictly technical sense, the pigeon is the biological descendant of the T-rex, but there's hundreds of millions of years of evolution between them, no sane person would confuse the two, and tyrannosaurus rex also had a sweet pussy. So, one MP, an anonymous conservative MP said that Angela Rainer knows she can't compete with Boris's Oxford Union debate

training. Now, I'm no expert on Boris Johnson, but does he have a reputation for being articulate and lucid? Is that what he's known for? Well, it is in some parts of the political spectrum, but it's kind of invisible to other people. I guess it's like that blue dress yellow dress thing on the internet a few years ago, some people looked at this picture of a dress and said that's a blue dress and others said that's a yellow dress. And it's similar with Boris Johnson that some people look at it and so that's a blue dress and others said that's a yellow dress and it's similar with Boris Johnson that you know some people look at it and say that's you know an articulate convincing debater in the grand oxer tradition to this shaped our politics and other people look

at it and say what an absolute bumbling to is a scar on the very concept of democracy. So you can look at the same thing and come to different conclusions, I guess. Right, I thought he was just some spoiled asshole whose main gift was getting women pregnant, lying and failing to administer any single government function with the remotest competence. Yeah, proud to be led by him. That's what they teach you at the Oxford Union. Baroniamon, his debating skills also included during the election campaign in 2019, hiding in a fridge when confronted with an awkward question. It does slightly raise questions as to the standards at Britain's top universities.

In terms of the state of British politics, there has been gradual progress over the 100 years since women were given the vote, but certainly around about a third of members of the House of Commons, less than 30% of the House of Lords are not men. But let's look at these recent stats on this. As recent as 1987, fewer than 5% of MPs were women. It's gone up 7 fold to 35% over the last three and a half decades. If that rate of progress continues, in another 70 years, over 1700% of MPs will be women. That equates to more than 11,000 female MPs in what will have become a very crowded and considerably less infantile house of commons. So nothing will get done. They'll just be queuing for the two lose that are in parliament at the whole time. And they'll still be debating whether it's time to update the building. The worst thing about this story, well, debatably, one of the worst things about this story is the

hashtag is Growlergate. Oh, that is. Right. Vulgar. That is indeed, that is indeed Vulgar. I suppose NATO to you perhaps a growler is a large bottle for putting things like combuter in. Right here, it has a more smarty connotation. Oh, I'm excited to have more vocabulary. Yeah, take that with you into Whole Foods. Um, in terms of the, the misogyny and sexism faced by women in politics, um, according to quasi-quarting, the sector of state for business, this is just the result of a few bad apples. But as I said, with 56 MPs facing misconduct charges, when 13% of your male apples are one or more of moldy, rotten,

radioactive, or actually a rat killed up and painted green to look like an apple, then you're not going to win any prizes for your craft cider, or indeed your tart, tartar. Especially when this barrel of apples has been chosen to represent all the other apples, because it is supposedly theoretically at least the best apples that you can possibly get. He also said that in politics, there are some instances where people don't act according to the highest standards. For example, the years 2019 to 2022. Of course, misogyny is not something that is exclusive to Britain, although it is still a

enthusiastically pursued national hobby, it turns out. It's also a facet of American politics. NATO brings up to date with the latest celebrity misogynist who are entertaining news audiences in America. That's right Andy, I would say that you British people are spoiled because deal-perish at least had the decency to look at port twice and then resign. And if he were an American Republican congressman, he would get a book deal, a show on Fox News, and be declared the future of the Republican parties. And that is indeed what has occurred. I will see you are looking at porn twice in the House of Commons and raise you Republican

Congressional cocaine orgies. So the House Republicans like the Tories don't mind what you do whether it be looking at porn or attending a cocaine orgy, as long as it doesn't interrupt a good legislative proceeding. Madison Cawthorn is a Republican congress, a 26-year-old wheelchair-bound arch-conservative future of the Republican Party from North Carolina, who went on my podcast a couple weeks ago and talked about Republican congressional cocaine orgies that he had been invited to. To be clear, no one has since said definitively that there are no Republican cocaine orgies

Just that it's not the kind of thing that you should talk about on a podcast So You're supposed to talk about it, but instead of Republican you're supposed to say liberal media Hillary Clinton And then say you and I told you to say it because Republicans work on transference Republican cocaine orgies sound like the worst possible kind of orgies. It would be like watching a pile of honey-baked hands slowly dissolve until nothing was left, but bone and sugar residue. Would you say that Republican cocaine orgies would be better or worse than Tory tractor orgies. It's a tough call. I would say that the Republican cocaine orgies would be better in that thanks to the cocaine, they would be over more quickly.

When you don't know how long it takes when there's a tractor involved. I know. Sometimes you you got to refuel. So, uh, Kothorn was talking about the Republican cocaine orgies. It's been all over the news. He's had the answer to the other members of the Republican Party. Some of his colleagues have turned on him. He's up for re-election. Other Republicans are trying to challenge him in the primary.

His campaign spokesman did not respond to requests for comment because his name is Luke Ball, which is definitely a porn star name. Now call for it as an interesting guy. He went on another podcast and said, I was raised on proverbs and pushups, but he dropped out of a conservative Christian college with all Ds. So anyone can be saved, but with all, you have to have a C average. Like the story was that he told the story, he told the story about the cocaine orgies on a podcast called the Warrior Poet Society podcast, which I looked up.

And now I'm so terrified I will never sleep again. Um, because the description of the website reads as follows. We believe there are warrior poets everywhere and they have spanned the centuries. No, man, you're thinking of the clack that's spanned the century. It is our sincere hope that this special community of like-minded individuals will continue

to grow and affect change for the better. If you're listening and not reading along on the website, they spelled affect with an A and not with an E, which means that they want to say that they want to adopt the posture and attitude of change while not actually accomplishing change. And we want Warrior poets and police departments military and as federal agents. It is our conviction to use our mind and bodies to protect others, whether you want us to or not. That last bit was implied.

But then the website is all selling like guns and military gear and pictures of people at rifle ranges and in full flak suits. What I'm trying to say is for the Warrior Poet Society, I saw no poetry. There was a lot of warrior, but Naria Cupplett to be seen. And then, like, I'm overwhelmed by the collapse of the legislative branch because there's parish here, Cothorns cocaine orgy G and then I was up late in the millenite and saw a breaking story from Australia that Tasmanian MP Brian Mitchell deleted his Twitter account because a

story came out that in 2011 he tweeted, I will gargle balls for money to buy an iPad too. So I am beginning to get the feeling we are not sending our best and brightest. So on a little more on Madison Corp. He's had a few what you might call bloopers in his brief political career. Enough to make it look well I mean to go through some of them, he's been caught driving with a revoked driving license. He's twice tried to take a loaded gun through airport security. So clearly a man who likes a challenge because it's so much easier not to do that, but he stepped up to the place. Also, a second amendment right to get on an airplane fully tooled up, or at least it's not explicitly

prohibited by the amendment. Whoever drafted though that second amendment didn't seem too fast about what people took on airplanes for every reason. He's facing allegations of sexual harassment. You can see why aspiring Republicans might think they actually need that on their political CV. He called Ukrainian President Zelensky a thug. Now, I think without wishing to, you know, what's trying to retain the objectivity for which his podcast is renowned, I think this is one of the easier conflicts to pick a goody versus baddie in, but anyway, he's gone for Zelensky as a thug. And he reportedly denied a staffer leave in a week in which two family members had died.

So displaying the kind of cold icy, anti-sold lack of humanity that's evident in the Republicans think voters are looking for. I mean, that's quite a lot of glitches in a 26 year old's political career. I mean, it's starting to look like one of the legacies of Trump is that f**king up massively is now strategy rather than accident. Yeah, you say glitches, Andy. Yes, potato. Glitchy potato. Yeah, yeah, I think the question that we have to answer today is, yes,

MP is looking at porn in the comments is bad, but are they really Republican, cocaine, orgy, armed, militia, podcaster, restoration of imagined biblical error masculinity bad? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Give it time, Nator. Give it time. We're playing catch-up in this country. In so many respects. [♪ BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, B now and Elon Musk, the notoriously fictitious entrepreneur, has elected to use his gazillions not to buy the bugle as rumored and instead to buy Twitter. There was a

lot of chatter on the worse, Chris, I'm sure you picked up on this on the bugle social media feeds that he wanted to buy the bugle and turn it into a podcast about drilling through the Earth's core so you can fire takeaway meals through vacuum tubes directly into anyone's mouth from anywhere in the world. But those efforts are founded and you've been trying to buy this podcast for over 20 years. On his reluctance to make host Andy Zoltzmann CEO of the new Divinitax Unigod Electric Temple business, which Musk has rumored to be created. That promises a 35% success rate on all prayers. That's more than three times the amount received by traditional bricks and mortar places of worship. So that deal is off. And instead, as was also rumoured in the room of us,

he went for Twitter, the micro messaging site that's firmly established itself as a third millennium equivalent of shouting at traffic. What does this mean for humanity as a whole, Helen? Well, I suppose we no longer have to fear being drowned and burnt by climate catastrophe as much because the alternative. So, you know, what are you missing? I guess so. I mean, that's a, there's always... Always a positive spin? Yes. a positive in the sea of negatives. NATO, are you excited by this takeover? Yeah, by one complaint about Twitter, and Elon Musk has said that Twitter,

he feels like has not lived up to its potential of facilitating free speech. And that's been my big complaint about Twitter is, as a Jew, I don't get enough death threats from Nazis. I get some, but I'm really looking forward to Elon Musk freeing up the death threats from Nazis. So they've been silenced for far too long.

Yes. I mean, he's a slightly weird thing, isn't it? The feeling that Twitter has restricted people from saying what they really think, rather than opening up a hole into the dark soul of the human mind. He has pledged to be a champion of free speech and as a free speech absolutist, I'm sure that you won't have a problem with me calling him a... Chris, why have you bleeped out revolutionary entrepreneurs, change the way we live on this planet? You can't say anything these days.

A number of people have threatened to leave Twitter as a result. There are alternatives to Twitter, which include writing anonymous insults, shoving them in a bottle and lobbing them in the seat to be picked up on a distant shore, or just graffiti local buildings, but using that disappearing phone that will refer ease use to mirror the fmeralty of the tweet. buildings, but using that disappearing phone that will refer ease use to mirror the fm morality of the tweet. Elon Musk described Twitter as being like a town square. Now Helen, we grew up in Tumberidge Wells, where I was the town square. But what did he mean by it being like a town square? Do you mean like a withered husk of a once thriving centre

of communal life. I think some way that has a Bavarian style Christmas market in December and some close down branches of BHS. Right. Well, I can see what he's looking at now. When you talk about something as the town square, for me, as someone who has spent a fair amount of time in Latin America, that makes me think that he's talking about Twitter as the Zogolo, the Mexican Plaza, where they will sell you balloons and fresh churros, which could be delightful. That sounds good.

What about if it's instead of balloons and fresh churros, it's NFTs of balloons and fresh churros? That seems to be where it's going. Maybe here seems people have interesting and well-balanced chats in town squares, but that has not been my experience of town squares. I'm thinking about getting off of Twitter and going to an alternative platform called complaining to my friend over a beer. I mean, when you look at modern town squares, I mean, a lot of them do have 300 Russian robots spreading rumors about the government in. So you can see why Twitter might match that. We will keep you fully up to date with Elon Musk's attempt to take over A. The World and

B. The Bugle podcast over the next 4,000 years. Slightly more positive democracy news now, and well in recent years democracy has not always delivered the results that you might want to gladden the hearts of those who see it as a vehicle for aiding the progress of the human race. But Slovenia provided a bucking of that broader recent trend by voting for a pro-environment party rather than the incumbent populist prime minister. Now Slovenia, I've just recently been there on holiday, it's a lovely country, absolutely

beautiful Alpine country. There's known for its phenomenal selection of wines, a propensity for ski jumping cyclists who really know their way around France to frankly taught a France winning level for not being a test cricket playing nation and having produced no-world snooker champions. But we had a lovely couple of weeks there and it's just had an election and the Freedom Movement party founded less than a year ago as Green Action's party unseated the the Prime Minister Janice Jan Cheriformi communist turned right-winger dubbed the Slovenian Trump by Durce Beagle newspaper and

Which is not I can't adjust to An election whatever country in whatever country is in producing a result that does not make me want to smash my television to pieces I mean this was a you're actively pro Saving the world from environmental disaster. Was it a mistake? Maybe people are bored of being ruled by toxic farts in wigs. And they want a period of politics, which is there's a bit more emphasis on boring admin. Mine will be as glamorous, mine will be as exciting, but maybe it will kill us less past. Right. The Supreme. It's very naive, you, very naive.

It speaks to the bar being on the floor. The Freedom Movement ran on a platform of transition to green energy, open society, and the rule of law running on a platform of rule of law is like running on a platform that government should exist. What's alternative? I want to be the head of state, but not for the laws. I'm here for the pageantry on the... Well, we've got one of them.

Jansis spent the past two years fostering the belief that Slovenia was under attack, according to the news, by international left-wing conspiracies or remnants of the communist elite that he claims control the political seat in the country. Now, Andy speaking on behalf of the international left wing, let me be the first to say, I wish for communists in the year of our lower 2022, controlling the tiny country of Slovenia would be what

you would call a stretch goal. We're aiming lower right now to give you some perspective in San Francisco. The big project for local communists is unionizing at chocolate shop. So we're going to do that and then it's the domino theory and then Slovenia and then the world. There were protests of the government over the last couple of years. And one of the protest organizers was quoted in the press saying, you would have thought the government would have taken the fact that thousands of people protested each week seriously.

And as someone who's been an organizer and an activist for a long time, over the years, I've developed some pre-recorded off-the-shelf talks to give people, because I have to give them so often. And here are the titles that you can ring them up at any time. The titles are, can they do that? The system is f***ed up. The struggle is long, Comrade. There is a subtle but important legal distinction between illegal and f***ed up. And one of them is, the state does definitely, does not take it seriously if thousands of people protest each week, and that's it.

Oh, you adorable, innocent babe, to think that someone trying to do fascism would be deterred by thousands of people protesting in a country of two million. So I just want to give a bugle public service announcement. It is my role on this podcast to teach you how to overthrow your government. Thousands of people protesting as a respectable start, but you can't stop there. You do gotta do some angry tweeting. You gotta speak to someone's manager. You gotta do graffiti.

Do you have people on stilts and in clown suits at the protests? Do that. Block a freeway. Build up. Go down on each other on the steps of the Capitol. Burn sofa's in attire. that's how you get it done. You don't just protest in the call of the day. Right.

Thanks for that. That was very inspiring. It was. You like it merch coming now. Follatio on the steps of the capital. Great. That's what happened in the last January of 6. I've just of control.

Well that brings us to the end of this week's Beagle. Thank you very much for listening Bueglis. Nate, do you have any shows or other podcasts to alert our listeners to? This Friday I'm doing two shows at Cheaper Than Therapy in San Francisco and also shows at cheaper than therapy in San Francisco. And also I have some albums out but there is currently, I don't know if you have heard about this, a dispute underway between involving Spotify and comedy record labels. So a bunch of comedy albums, including mine have been are impeded and on Spotify. So support the artists by my albums on band camp, the Whiteness album, the Native Green Party. That's the best way to do it. Add Native Green on Twitter, Mr. Native Green on Instagram, if you should need to find me. Helen, anything to plug?

You can listen to my podcast about language, the allusionist, the allusionist.org, and in the pod places, but preferably not Spotify due to their evil deeds. to organ in the pod places but preferably not Spotify due to their evil deeds. Don't forget, don't forget, you can sit here, just listen carefully, Bueglis, you can hear the corporate empire crumble. Don't forget, you can come to my Soho Theatre show, Saturist for Higher, from the 9th to the 21st of May, but only on Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. That's a two week run, missing three days each week. You're part-time Saturist for hire.

Do, do, do, do, send in your satirical requests to satirize this at saturistfor hire.com. You can also listen to the news quiz,... Well, via BBC Sounds app, and then... You seem to have to wait a month, listen to it, anywhere else. Thank you for listening, Bueglis. We will now play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers. Don't forget, we are ending the lie offer. Oh, we've ended it, we ended it. Well, should we give people another... You said you said the end of the month, and've ended it. We ended it. Well, should we give people another?

You said you said the end of the month. All right. It's like May or something now. But when you generally, when business do that, they then announce a slug of surprise extensions. I people think, Oh, I haven't actually missed the end of that. So I've taken it offline. Oh, taken off. I've done. But anyway, we will turn through the backlog of lies and there will be a new offer for Bugal Premium Level Volunteers prescribers imminent to contribute to the Bugal to keep the show free, flourishing and independent to make a one off or occurring contribution go to the Bugal podcast.com and click the donate button. Here are some lies about the people who got in before the deadline. Matthew Kid is constantly surprised at how surprised people are by how unimpressed he is,

and how impressed people are by what the creatures of this world do in wildlife documentaries. Come on says Matthew, if you haven't got off your brightly coloured behinds and evoluted the ability to speak, rights, organised charity team-onings or build rockets, the very least you should be able to do is run ridiculously fast, have an absurd looking trunk or other appendage, and be able to splat out your feathers to look funky, or to chun you kids' lunch into their waiting mouths, is not much to ask, is it? Rachel canally concurse to an extent and also highlights the fact that wildlife documentaries on TV only tell part of the story because everyone plays up to the camera.

It's just human nature, says Rachel, and that is as true of creatures that are not human as ones that are. So inevitably we get to see these animals putting on their best show. I'd rather know what they're actually like when they know that David Atomrah is not there. With his show, his trailers, his lighting rigs, his crew of camera people, technicians, hair and makeup artists, catering staff, runners and the underlings he has dressed up in animal outfits to coach out the lions or whatever on a slow-days filming. Steve Hallmark was surprised to discover well into adulthood that the world Coupe, as in Cage for Chickens, was not pronounced co-op. I'd always assumed, says Steve, that chickens tried to work collectively for their mutual benefit, which really impressed me to be honest, even if they seem to have come to the conclusion that their mutual benefit involved being cooped up in a cage. On reflection, concludes Steve, the fact that they were cooped up in their co-op, or perhaps

to have alerted me, to my linguistic mistake. By contrast, Barbara Hendrick always pronounced co-operate as cooperate, and assumed that its meaning of working jointly towards a shared goal was due to that being what you would probably do, if you found yourself in a coop with loads of other people or other creatures who also didn't want to be in that coop. I guess, Reflex Bob, it's just a chance of alphabetical similarity and linguistic coin codency, and I wouldn't be surprised if I've sied that wrong as well. John Gibson is constantly infuriated by the term Midnight.

I'm an adult, admits John, and let me tell you that midnight, as currently configured, is unequivocally not in the middle of the night. The middle of the night, as everyone knows, is halfway between bedtime and uptime. On the rare occasions I do get to bed before, so called midnight, for example, at 11.30 pm, I can't get to sleep for worrying about whether I'll get in trouble if I don't get up at precisely 12.30am. Frankly, it's a mess, concludes John. And finally, Lily Thompson can curse, and would go one step further than that even. Lily claims that, in fact, in my mind, Midnight is something that can only be defined retrospectively

after you've woken up, and then you can calculate mathematically exactly when the middle of your night was. But I would add that midnight has to be when it's still dark otherwise what's the point of anything? Here end if this week's lies. Goodbye. 1.0.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1. That is infratically your lot. That is infratically your lot.