The Bugle - The Climate Crisis Is Over!

Episode Date: December 16, 2023

We've solved the global climate crisis! Well done all our world leaders. Also, the UK keeps throwing cash at Rwanda and we have a tourism special. Andy is with Tiff Stevenson and Neil Delamere.PLUS: Become the owner of an exclusive episode of The Bugle, on 12 inch vinyl! Become a premium member NOW! https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateThis episode was presented and written by:Andy ZaltzmanNeil DelamereTiff StevensonAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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sweet with a birthing pool instead of a low grade f***ing agricultural manger? Not for me to say, but joining me today, as the year enters its final half month before regenerating into 2024, firstly, freshly back from the USA, it's Tiffany Stevenson. Welcome back to the Ocon Actif. Hi. I'm Palm Spring forward or whatever. I don't know. I was, yeah, I've been in America and it was American. Are people excited about the prospect of a year's worth of presidential election campaign coming up? It's already sort of ramping up. It's already, Trump's already on the TV giving gross opinions about women, so it just feels like 2016. Right.

It feels like it's ramping up. Right. Feels like it's amping up. Right. Well, from hopefully less fucking terrifying part of the world, in Dublin, it's welcome back to Neil Delamy. Hello, hello, are you excited about the American election? I'm very excited about the American election. Yeah, yeah. I mean, people love Joe Biden here.

People have claimed Joe Biden. People claim every American president except Donald here. People have claimed Joe Biden. People claim every American president except Donald Trump. So we claimed Barack Obama, we claimed John F. Kennedy, we claimed Ronald Reagan, we claimed Joe Biden. And when Trump came over, Trinity College, Genealogical Society, he was just like, we've locked up for the night.

And so yeah, I mean, there was a fire in the tea section specifically. It's really odd. They can't be up. Trace Scotland. Yeah, Scotland. It should have been Scotland that claimed him and Scotland made it very clear what they thought of him With a big sign. Yes, we know the person who held that sign as well, though But no, I'm talking to you from Dublin where things are very exciting here I have an exclusive for the bugle. Oh, the latest episodes of Squid Game are currently being filmed in Dublin a couple of weeks ago. All the players had to play

this weird game where they write it in their tracksuits in the city center, like you saw, setting buses and then the tram system on fire. So that's a look out for that next year. Very exciting. Okay. Well, it's, I think there's tax breaks for filming in Ireland, although that's that wide squid games. I did up on the streets there. Yeah. That's it. We are recording on the 15th of December, meaning it is exactly 15 years since my listening to the radio commentary of the Indian of England test match in Chennai was rudely interrupted by being called into impromptu service as a freelance midwife I've been called into impromptu service as a freelance midwife when my son was slightly unexpected. Well, not completely.

It wasn't completely unexpected. It was just unexpected, not the right, unexpected at that specific time. I mean, he was not due out for another three or four days, I think. So we ran about the 98.9% pregnant point. But anyway, happy birthday to the boy bittersweet memories to ask you question given how much you love cricket when he was out. Did you go? That's what you said pretty much. Yeah, did you say leg before wicket? I I It was one of the finest catches I've ever taken.

And a through him in the air, high five the wife. But, you know, pop that, it was rock solid, rock solid piece of wicketkeeping. Bittersweet memories to be honest, I had the extraordinary experience and privilege of delivering my own son out of his frankly weird secret hiding place and into the world. And, you know, I've enjoyed all the joy, love, and happiness that he's brought us ever since. But set against that, England, blue, or winning position and lost a game,

they really, that was tough to swallow. I mean, Indy were chasing 387 to win. Obviously, what was then the fourth half successful change in the final end is a test match. And, you know, that's, but luckily, the memory, that memory is at least partially leavened by, by, by having the birth of my second child, but it still, it's still stings.

How was this not instantly divorced Andy? This kind of conversation. Do you think that he's broadcasting from his shed? That's where he lives now. She got the house because of this conversation. On this day in 1836, the patent office building in Washington, DC almost burnt to the ground. Almost 10,000 patents were destroyed as well as 7,000 patent models. Apparently, so we lost a lot of potential inventions that were awaiting approval. The fire destroyed amongst other things, the patent applications for the mechanical steam betroth, a mechanical steam powered albatross that could

have brought powered flight forward by what what 70 odd years, the prayer repult, which was a new device to be used in churches to twang people's prayers more accurately to God. The average successful prayer response at the time was down and ran about a 4% mark and it was hoped that the prayer repult would get it up to more like 11 12% but sadly we never saw it in action. The anti-snooze desk, which had a snore activated finger-gillity. So if you felt sleepy on your desk, you would just put your finger in the finger-gillity and the subconscious fear of having your finger sliced off by the pressure activated anti-snooze desk would generally wake you up on time.

That was the plan. Sadly, never made the stovepipe hat oven. That's what keeping a lunch warm Abraham Lincoln did have a subsequent version of that. And also the patent for the internet. I was destroying that, put that back for, well, over 150 years. And on this day, oh, not this day, but 16th of December, 1773, the Boston Tea Party, when the sons of Liberty Revolutionary Group disguised themselves as Mohawk Indians. I don't think that was okay, guys. And for me, that pretty much invalidates the entire history of the independent USA. Anyway, they use some questionable costume choices and dumped hundreds of crates of tea into Boston harbor salty water Way below optimum brewing temperature. What's a fucking waste? And is it hard cancel from you Andy? Absolutely hard hard cancel of the entire

USA that was what now that was two two hundred and 50 years ago tomorrow well was two two hundred and fifty years ago. Tomorrow. Well, that's very much the just and true door of their day. That's really the turning point in US history when it all started going irreversibly downhill.

As always, a section of this podcast going straight in the bin. This week, as we continue, I look ahead to Christmas and potential presents you might buy. We review some of the new board games that are flying off the shelves this Christmas time, including Charles Darwin's Theory of Evil, Can Evolution. An evolution themed snakes and ladders in Spide Game of Genetic Stunt Leaps. Can you twang your species across a series of potential extinction-causing canyons to evalute faster than your opponents, as becoming the dominant species on the planet, choose from a selection of starter species including ape fish and lizard and robot? Also we review call customer service, a new thrilling customer service-based board game

in which you have to avoid being useful to any fellow human, if you avoid allowing your opponents to get through to a human operator or providing any advice that might help them. If they storm out of the room screaming in frustration, so what we've become as a species, before they move their piece to the elusive genuine help square on the board, you are the winner and you get extra points for playing your call is important to us card the most times before other players tip the board over and start weeping. And a fairly basic quiz card game, rabbit or rabbi where you have a selection of 100 cards, 50 of them describe rabbits, 50 of them describe rabbis and your partner has to guess if you're describing a rabbit or a rabbi, it's just as much fun as it sounds.

That section is in the bin. Top story this week, the world has been saved. Well, we looked ahead to the COP28 conference in the last issue of the bugle a couple of weeks ago. And thankfully, the world has been saved. Everything's fine now. We can all of weeks ago. And thankfully, the world has been saved. Everything's fine now. We can all stop worrying about recycling and stuff because the world has been saved by a vague agreement to transition away from fossil fuels. I think that now means we can just start being as reckless as we like with litter and

everything is going to be fine. I know both of you are huge fans of the planet. Do you think this is a genuine breakthrough, a missed opportunity, a commercially driven stitch up, or a bit of all of those three things? Well, I saw people being pretty underwhelmed by the agreement on the news.

I saw one moment she goes, these proposals have and exactly set the world on fire. And I thought, no, that's exactly what they have done. They have set the world on fire. Cup 27 was in Egypt, Cup 28 was into by, Cup 29 will be shared by, uh, shared by SpongeBob Square Pants in the, uh, hold on a have it here. The Davy Jones Locker Conference Center apparently

we are all doomed. The only people who give you any hope are the kids protesting at the event, 12 year olds and 13 year olds saying, end fossil fuels now, because they know they're the ones who's going to be banjacks. My eight year old nephew asked, you know, they asked from Farsanti from Santa Claus at Gills. That's what he asked for, because he knows what's coming. So the phrase phasing out fossil fuels was in the first draft, but the op pec, the op pec country switched uns for oil producers environmental catastrophe. I think I'm not sure enough. But they sent a letter around to their delegates going, you know, don't let them say this and protest against that

whirling. But because they are the oil industry, the letter leaked. Did they clean up after themselves? No, they did not. So the first draft agreement said phasing out fossil fuels. And then the second draft agreement did not. So next year I reckon they'll have to have an agreement

on wind energy. So every agreement will the second draft agreement did not. So next year I reckon they'll have to have an agreement on wind energy so every agreement will be a draft agreement and they'll have the first draft draft agreement then they'll have a second draft draft agreement then they'll hopefully have a final draft draft agreement. A Gmail drafts? A Kobe in drafts in Gmail and if Trump gets in will he vote against it? He famously dodged the draft. They'll get through because some countries negotiators are better at strategy than others. They're playing chess or the other lands are playing drafts and they'll all go up to celebrate and have a few points as long as the beer is on. Well, I think you're the rest of that. Yes. No, someone who was at the entire conference and I asked him for an 11 word summary of

COP28. This is what he sent him in. He was there for the whole two weeks. He said, the 11 word summary is this, surely this is someone else's problem. No, shit. Well, perhaps. So I think that's progress of sorts, I think. You know, we've gone from, you know, just, perhaps is better, isn't it?

Perhaps is a step forward, I think. Well, they said the text in the draft states the huge challenge with crystal clarity. And are we involving crystals at this point? Are we involving, because in that case, every woman in my friendship circle now thinks she can solve climate crisis, including me. I think we just need to moon-based a rose quartz, and I'll do some tarar, and we'll have it fixed. I think crystal clarity has got a court case coming up

against Donald Trump as well. You're having New York. Well, there's another suggestion, actually. The hot air that appears every time Donald Trump speaks will be repurposed as an alternative heating source. So how can you not be concerned, like even if you're not concerned about climate, right? Surely people can see that it will drive climate immigration

and the Tory government at the moment are obsessed with immigration to the extent, like it makes them look mad. It's so much, so much focus on small boats. It just makes them look so odd. The UK had net immigration figures last year of less than 750,000, right? The small people arriving at small boats were 50,000, less than 50,000 of those people. So if you came home and there were 15 people in your house and 14 of them had come through your windows and your doors,

if your main response to that was, better block up that chimney, you look mad. But particularly this time of year, you've been still on the floor. I mean, that is a waste. Yeah, your bite, your nose up, it's quite a waste, actually. We will touch more on that story later in the show, but just to pick you off on this, the

key thing with this Neil is what you're expecting here is politicians to address the genuine root cause of an issue rather than the easily observable symptom that they can bark on about. That's naive on your part. It is, it's me being overly... It's me being overly optimistic. I mean, you could look at us in a negative way, like in a decade, oceans will float inland, making large areas of land uninhabitable.

Or you could look at it positively in 10 years, the world will be more like a spa, in that it will be the temperature of a sauna, and all baths will be by definition seaweed baths. So, I mean, pluses and minuses Andy. Yeah, mixed up with the crystals, I thought great weekend happening. Oh, we're going glamping. Get your yurt, we're getting it on. It was the first time at a conference that a deal was to mention fossil fuels as a cause of climate change and committed nations to transition away from fossil fuels.

Obviously that commitment comes with usual caveats in any environmental agreement caveats including if they can be asked, if they can't get away with not doing so and yadda yadda yadda. But that's about as clear and definitive as a commitment gets in the world of environmental science. And I guess they say the aim is to avert the worst effects of climate change. And again, that's acceptance that humanity as a whole is essentially chosen to embrace bad effects of climate change but we have finally reached a point where we will now not embrace the worst of so essentially our game of species level environmental SNM we have

we have found our limit and it coped 29 next year there will hopefully be an agreement to to agree on the human race's safe word. So, so there is progress. Progress is being made. What is the severer? Greta, it would be Greta, wouldn't it? Because there are four. Fossil fuels are going to be phased out unless they're running for high office.

Right. In which case, that's fine. They can leave their retirement community in Del Boca Vista to be president. If I could slip a sign, Phil. Right, that's what I will. But what Neil's kind of saying about the government's looking good is a lot of them are happy to promote clean energy.

So they just keep saying the phrase clean energy, which kind of throws me, because it always sounds like a supplement someone sells you under the counter at the gym You know it's real clean my dude mega games Like clean energy is a catch phrase I think I mean the report I did delve into a little bit and one of the things they found in the report about what's been done so far and any results From the last summits.

The report found that the technology to suck carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere would have done almost nothing to stop global heating this year. Current levels of technology-based removal, which does not include carbon absorbed by trees, are more than 1 million times smaller than current fossil CO2 emissions the researchers found. So what we need is something that sucks bigger and harder for longer like a slightly little Henry the Hoover with a Dyson Airblade body. Alright okay well I think we can get behind that dream. So next year's COP 29 next year this time next year

or this time next year. So COP29 is just taken place as we discussed, an oil rich human rights skeptic do by. Next year, COP29 will be held in oil rich human rights skeptic as a by-jarm. I mean, this does seem to be the sort of geopolitical equivalent of getting Andrew Tate to host a seminar on gender equality in the workplace. It doesn't, I mean, clearly you're not a member of

Hustler's University. Their gender-based masters is absolutely top-notch. I still don't understand how people can deny climate change. I don't know if it made it under the bugles radar this week, but it's clearly causing more extreme weather events. There was a tornado in County Leachum in the West of Ireland, a tornado in the West of Ireland.

Now, I know most listeners are thinking, that is wild, and I know Andy is thinking, is Tony Drago the multi-sneukre legends, playing a tournament in the West of Ireland? I don't know, the Leachum tornado does sound like the name of some bare-knuckle boxer. Like in the red corner, weighing in, and a number of the doctors have described his life-threatening, Larry the Leachham tornado maricy. What it was wild, it ripped off roofs of people's houses, cars were smashed, one girl didn't

get back to her storm shelter in time and her and her little terrier dog, the whole house was lifted up and moved from one place to another and landed on Suela Bravenman. So it was a really odd thing to happen. There was this amazing little cameo. So Lee of Riker, the T-shirt turned up, right? To severe the havoc that was in the town now some towns people were looking for damages he's the first openly gay t-shirt that we've ever had

and he visited ross common south leotard which is the only constituency in the country to vote no in the equal marriage referendum a couple years ago so they were going oh will you give us damages i'd say leave right i was like oh no you get your damages alright. Oh you'll never get your damages yeah yeah oh oh oh so bad isn't it? It was a twist or was it was it a twist or is everything bent or everything's bent is it? Did it blow you? Did it blow you? It's smashed her back door in it did not. Oh no fill in fill in that form there and I'll put that in the big bag of things I don't give a fuck about about. How about that? I like watching, I like the idea of watching how island deals with a tornado because in America when they have hurricanes there's a tendency if they're in Florida to try and shoot them.

Which, you know, which happened. I think it was Hurricane Irma where they all decided that they would meet outside and shoot into the eye of the hurricane because God damn it, Glee, this you show that windy bitch who's boss. But not realizing that kind of the current of the way. I mean, imagine if you shoot a bill in it's probably going to come straight back out and hit you. You mentioned the USA, the USA during COP has pledged new finance for less fortunate parts of the world to deal with climate change. The huge sum of 20 million dollars, that's the USA. That's around about an average of five cents per person in the USA. And the USA remains the world's biggest polluter. So that's, I mean, that is an almost heroically tokenistic

sum, I think. I think we need to acknowledge quite the effort it took to keep that sum so low. This term transitioning away, this commitment to transition away from fossil fuels. I mean, it's not always as easy as it sounds. I mean, we in Britain, we have some experience in how difficult it can be to transition away from stuff, Empire, for example, which took us, well, decades, left a trail of ongoing problems around the world,

and we still haven't come to terms with it psychologically. So that doesn't bode well, particularly. We tried transitioning away from monarchy in the mid-17th century by having Charles I head transition away from his neck, but also didn't go too well about the current trajectory. We will only finally move on from having an unelected got-abonged head of state in around about the year 12,472. So committing to transition away from something doesn't always work out quite as quickly and well as you hope. I mean you did transition away from burning Catholic stuff. Yes, only by transitioning to burning witches instead. Yeah, but I

mean listen, there were small-class witches. That's very important. And the government planted a new witch for every witch they burnt so it was entirely sustainable. We don't want to persecute men and women when we can just persecute women. Well women are far more environmentally friendly. They burn in a lower temperature as well. I mean, we don't make the rules. Firing people to Rwanda News now and the British government's dream of firing at least one person to Rwanda at the cost of a quarter of a billion pounds remains on track after Prime Minister Rishi Sunak managed to see off a rebellion from his own MPs over the bill to allow people to be twang to Rwanda from our national catapult. This is a story that we've talked about a lot over the course of, got us in, well, way too long on this podcast.

And what is most baffling about it, and this is a government that is, you know, in the final twitchings of its elongated death throws before an election at the some point in the next year or so, is that they just cannot let this go go the government is now in a position that it seems to think that it has to be seen to force through a plan that basically absolutely no one thinks will work in terms of dealing with the problem it's supposed to deal with not many people think is genuinely legal and pretty much everyone thinks is appalling value for money regardless of anything to do with the morality of it, but the government cannot be seen to back down. So it doesn't matter how insane a policy is, what matters is that the government shows the strength of character to stick with it in the sanity in the face of reality, evidence, and logic. And that is the state. That's the stage we're at. We're at now. Neil, I know you found this fascinating watching as an outsider. Wow.

Um, they spent 240 million quid on this Rwanda policy so far. And the Supreme Court decided it was illegal to send people. I know that the bill is passed, but I've, the government has the same relationship to Rwanda as I have to the gym, in that I've been sending it money for an absolute fortune for the last few years. But the chances of me or anybody else I know actually going are very, very slim. And it's all right, they're so committed to this because it and that that kind of takes away from the other stuff that they want to get done, which they have gotten done to some degree. So they wanted to less less than the number of people coming and bolts and that has happened and they want to have inflation. And that has happened as well. Now, when Sue next says you want to have inflation, I think you might probably means putting 50% less air in the dinghies.

It's every Christmas they go, how can we make it seem most like this is addition of a Christmas Carol. And this is the attempt now. So it's the British Supreme Court who declared the policy unlawful. If you don't know what the Supreme Court is, it's not just regular court, it's Marx and Spencer's court. And it's sort of mad, isn't it? Because they were saying like there have been 45,000 attempts by boat to breach the shores of the U.K. undetected.

And that was just Michelle Mone on the good ship PPE. So, the amount of money that's gone to this, it's a policy started by Boris. And there's nothing like, like you say, doubling down on a bad idea. Soon act decided that it was gonna double down on it. And then one of his top five priorities was stopping the boats like he was playing giant battleships. And so I don't, Boris lied about

the EU money. Do you remember his bus lie where he said we'd saved 250 million by not being in the EU. So we're going to save 250 million by not being in the EU and that's pretty much what we've paid to Rwanda to not take anyone. You do have to remember that the Magna Carta, or Magna Carta, as parents like to call it, the foundation of British law does have one of the very few clauses that still applies from the Magna Carta, along with Freedom for the City of London, and when you're allowed to piss in a hedge is out of sight, out of mind. And that is the absolute key to this government policy. I mean, I don't quite know how they came up with this idea to fly asylum seekers to Ruan. I mean, it's so baffling a country that is more crowded and less well off than

we are because we don't have the capacity or space to take the, I mean, even by the logic of British politics, this is pretty far, far fetched. I've just got a friend who works a fictional one, the one who is at the cop. You get around to a friend, isn't he? The one who's at cop is actually real, but this is a fictional one, let me make that clear. But he works, this fictional friend of the Oak Ridge Leadership Computing Facility in Tennessee,

where they've recently installed Frontier, which is the world's most powerful computer. Now I asked my friend if he could use Frontier's 8.7 million calls, that's over a million times more calls than a high-spec laptop has. It clocks in with 1.1 extra flops, which is not a term for a collection of former Conservative Prime Ministers. It's something to do with computer processing. It works out at 1.1 quintillion operations per second, which is even more than the NHS manages on

its best days. And I asked him if he could use this computer to formulate a more ridiculous policy than sending asylum seekers to Rwanda, and after two months of running it every night in the office's shut, still hasn't come up with anything even close. So I think it was probably concocted by Suella Bravaman during a saience with former Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison, who was behind the Australian similar policy. Salvador Dali, just for the absolute surrealism of it and BL's above himself. That's the only possible explanation for how this policy came about. When you see Grand Chaps having a go at Gary Linnaker over a letter he signed on migration, we have reached peak culture war. Chaps has had five or six carbon positions in the last year. Like you really can't put him anywhere. He's like Lionel Messi in that he's completely unsuitable to politics.

Like, can we talk about why they brought the camera back? Like, that's even bad! He's insane! He's been gone for seven years! That's one third of a Leo de Caprio girlfriend. What is going on? He's resigned. He's enough money to retire comfortably.

He has no hope of getting a job after the next election. And he's still talkers. This does not say a lot for the company of his wife and children Would you have a spend time with your family are trying to fix the Ukraine and the Middle East? I take Israel and Palestine I pray much please I think that's I think it's it it's actually quite inspiring because it shows you don't even need to be an MP to be foreign Secretary so we can all just have a go. Yeah, he's 350 people to choose from as MPs. Yes, they make a guy a lord. I don't know if this, you know what it reminds me of when Australian

rules football teams take Gaelic football players. And it's like, it's like, okay, you can have a new, you need a new captain, Jono, you can pick any of our guys from a squad, any of the guys from the academy, any of the guys from the underage teams, who do you want? I'd like a paradigm farmer from Mannon, please. Well, the terrifying thing about this, and I'm just terrifying, is that Surnakas brought forward emergency legislation to push this through that seeks to override any laws that would prevent the deportation scheme going ahead. So he's just like running roughshord over human rights conventions so that he doesn't get a vote of no confidence from hardliners. And the hardliners don't care because they want to leave the EHRC.

And if you remember Theresa May a couple of years ago, it was like, we don't, we don't want to be a member of the HRC. We don't want our hands tied by the HRC. And I was like, do you know what, they're against binding or restraint of all forms, the HRC. That's the opposite of what they're going to do to you. But yeah, it's, it's kind of terrifying to think, oh, you can just push through something with emergency legislation without it going through the proper due process. Is that not, how is that being allowed to happen? Well, I think probably because absolutely everything to do with our political system has gone to shit. It's the simple, honest, to have the other might be more detail that I'm unable to take it my head around.

there might be more detail that I'm unable to take it my head around. Taurus and news now, and well let's lighten the mood a bit, some wonderful news, Neil for Ireland as a nation for Dublin as a city. It turns out that Dublin, wonderful city to visit, has the world's leading tourist attraction. The Guinness Storehouse has beaten other contenders such as the Grand Canyon, the Acropolis, and the Taj Mahal to become the world's best. I mean, I've not been to it. Can you explain how it's won its trophy

and what makes it such an amazing place to go to? I don't know the process involved, but I would imagine a great deal of bribery. I would sit. No, I don't want to cast aspersions on the Guinness Store House, but I've been to the Guinness Store House, and I've also been to Machu Picchu, which it beats into second place,

and can I tell you that the Guinness Store House is not as good as a city, the Incas built in the Andes 600 years ago. Surprise, surprise. I have been to Machu Picchu. It is amazing. One of my favorite things I've ever heard from a guy who was walking us up to Mountain said,

and you want to choose from Corkeleaves, and it'll give you energy. And I said, okay, and he goes, not go on, take them. It'll make you feel like Asparagus. This is what he said. And I went, what, and he goes, it'll make you feel and I said, okay, and he goes, no, go on, take them. It'll make you feel like Asparagus. This is what he said and I went, what, he goes, it'll make you feel like Asparagus, go on and I said, what are you talking about?

He goes, you know, Asparagus, the film, you know, Asparagus, you know, Kirk Douglas, I'm Asparagus, no, I'm Asparagus, no, I'm Asparagus. And that was actually true. That wasn't like your imaginary friend in Oak Ridge. But yeah, it's been a great year for Dublin attractions. So we had Gennestore House beating Machu Picchu into second place. And the Kalmanum jail, which is the quintessential kind of Victorian jail in Dublin,

won Best Museum of the World on TripAdvisor as well. Wow. And that was based on TripAdvisor ratings. Like it does show you how things can change. Cause it wasn't reviewed nearly as highly by the leaders of the 1916 rising when they were there. Very much them. Very much of one star rating there.

And it really brings it home to you when you see Devilera's cell. I think that 100 years ago you could, you could get a one bed and Dublin for less than two grand a month. It really makes you think, you know? But if you go back online, you can actually find some of the trip advisor reviews from the 1916 leaders. And I actually found James Connelly's trip advisor rating. And I think it'll

shed a lot of light on it. We recently stayed at Kilimanham jail. A last minute surprise gift from the British government. We had heard very mixed reports previously, but some of our friends have stayed there recently and we haven't heard back from them at all, so we thought it couldn't be too bad. While the location is very convenient for local attractions, we found the staff unhelpful, bordering on rude. Only single rooms are available, and the answer to it is very basic. Exercise equipment is limited, just a single gymnastic ring in the yard. That's pretty dark, I'll be honest.

Overall the decor is quite dated, and there are some holes in the terrace wall that need to be filled. The all-inclusive gruel package leaves a lot to be desired, although some guests were given a free cigarette right before a check-out. It's our final day here tomorrow, and I can definitely say we won't be back. So that was very much a one-star review but things have improved since then, you know? You can't deny it. So this is the goodest storehouse. I'm assuming it's a, it was, you know, began life as a storage facility before it was a tourist attraction. And this is kind of exciting, isn't it? Because, you know, it used to be that, you know it used to be that to become a big tourist attraction, you had to be a temple or an important public building.

And now this opens up the tourist market for storage facilities with ambition anywhere around the world. I mean, down the bottom of my road, we've got an access stealth storage unit that opened up a couple of years ago. And if we play our cards right here in South London, within just a few years, you know, we could be sitting in absolutely prime Airbnb territory. We're talking 600 quid and 150 quid cleaning fee, just for people who want to go and see our storage facility. I mean, the Guinness storehouse has set this up.

You need to stick a roof garden on it to get that really fired up because that's the addition. There's a sky bar at the I did see this and kind of go did dad's vote solely for this. Like it feels like a dad's vote like can we all go to the Guinness storehouse by the way did I tell you I'm thinking to start in a micro brewery. Like that feels like I know who's deciding. You're still not going to be the Guinness storehouse, and in fact, you're going to be in third place in terms of storage facilities, because we've the Guinness Store host and there's a guy in Belfast who has a wardrobe with a lion and a witch in it. So you're not going to be that.

But I mean, I guess just up against other stories for facility such as the pyramids in Egypt, which are essentially storage facilities for a corpse. You know, it's probably better than that. I've got a few Guinness facts for those you're listening. You don't know that much about Guinness, a huge part of the Irish drinking identity. Guinness is, first Guinness fact, the renowned stout and metaphor for the European imperialist age was invented

by Ireland's patron saint, Saint Patrick, when shortly after driving all the snakes out of Ireland, he turned a bucket of mud covered in bird shit into a smooth, satisfying and nutritious drink. Guinness is not, despite the claims, a meal in itself, it doesn't contain a cheese course. Fact 3, if you drink a pint of Guinness in one continuous sip while standing on one leg at dawn on mid-summer's morning while facing towards Dublin, it is said that you will fall in love with the first person to ask, why did you just do that? And you're also legally entitled to a free teddy bear from any participating Guinness retail outlet in the Southern Hemisphere.

And finally, Fact 4, the longest time ever taken to drink a single pint of Guinness was 59 years. Young father Padrig had you pronounce that. I mean that's the name I'm made up and I can't even pronounce it myself. Oh, Calhan I think. I think I'm finished. You think the name you couldn't say? That's too many bugles. That's too many bugles. You've actually had a psychotic break. One partky brain is picking it and the other part of your break can't pick. We're seeing a breakdown before our very eyes. So I'm just going to say it's O'Cala Mahanahan, sorry. It left a...

Duh, duh, duh, duh. He left an unfinished point on the bar at the old naughty carrot pub in Belfast when leaving to Tendon Hill Parishner, who was working on the Titanic as it left the Erlinger Holland and Wolf Shipyard in 1912. He ended up stuck on the ill-fated megabotes, survived the sinking due to his hatred of band music, ended up in New York, built a new life as a baseball journalist, and returned to Belfast for the first time in 1971 to watch George Bestplay football and feel closer to God. He went to the carrot after the game to find that his point had been preserved by three generations of the McSnidget family ran the pub and hated waste and father O'Cala Mahanahan finished the pint

before asking, is my f***ing fish pie ready yet? You owe me a fish pie? Is there anyone on this planet who wasn't trying to rip you off? Oh man, that's no, I'm not the only one problem with that fact. Okay, yeah, surprisingly, I think it's unlikely that further or Kalah Malahana would be in such a renowned orange pub as the old palace. So, must make only issue with that whole story. But I guess you have to ask or say, you know, why have other attractions sunk down the rankings whilst the Guinness storehouses have risen to the top.

Well, really bad year for the Echropples. Yes, well, I mean, just looking at some of the, well, you mentioned the reviews, it's had, I mean, some of the reason why I might have sunk down the rankings, this kind of feedback from Taurus. Second time I've been, they still haven't mended the roof. Another says, relative of mine was struck down recently by one of Zeus's thunderbolts for something, can't remember what. So I found going to a place dedicated to his daughter Athenii, quite triggering. Another person said, still not enough marbles. And one final review said, I loved the film based on the acropolis, but the original was a real disappointment. There was no sign of a river, the jungle was non-existent.

There was nothing about Colonel Kurtts in any of the museum exhibits and I couldn't smell the naparma at all, seriously disappointed. So that's why the acropolis is the Grand Canyon, described as just a big empty waste of space, too big to do in and after noon, so that's not really what modern tourists are looking for. Someone else wrote, not my thing, I like going to the beach, I don't like going to the canyon, such is the world of the reviews. Someone else wrote, not great if you're into night clubbing. It's a canyon and the acoustics are not great for house, disco or techno music.

I guarantee the internet, someone has written, why have they put the deer about the town coming? I bet you someone has said that. Not very convenient. I bet you some one has said that. Not very convenient. Yes, yes. Oh yeah. Erligance marbles.

I have to say, if you ever as a non-brith going into the British museum, it just feels like walking around a police auction. It just feels like, I wonder who's doing that? Who's doing that? Well, I do feel like that's why there's no British tourist attractions. In any of these, like the the full list of top

attractions according to TripAdvisor. We're like we know we're near it there's like 25 we haven't and kind of like with Ireland with the jail and with the Guinness Store House it feels a bit like Eurovision. It's like are they the best tourist attractions or does everyone just really like Irish people? Fair enough fair enough. Just good, fine. We're just one the hang. Do you think the Greeks show the antique store a show, but it's called Creme Watch, you know?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah. The Taj Mahal bookies favor this year, disappointing showing for the Taj Mahal. And again, some pretty poor reviews. This person wrote, not much in it for the adrenaline junkie. You're not allowed to slide down the dome, and they won't let you string a bungee rope between the towers and woe Betied you if you even tried to take a jet ski onto the pool at the front of the installation Even a lilo and a floating beer fridge seemed to be an absolute no-no

No, more zillion snorzily and more like another person right? I didn't like it. I never met the guys wife So I don't know if she was actually worth all this architectural fuss. Also put real pressure on me for my forthcoming wedding anniversary. And someone else said I can barely get planning permission to put up a bike store, I live on a 73 meter high, two minus 17 hectare garden. So you can see what not everyone likes at these days. So I mean, I mean in terms of, you know, holiday, have you got any sort of holiday, particular dream holidays for, you know, in terms of, you know, holiday, have you got any sort of particular dream holidays for, you know, in terms of holiday attractions

that you'd particularly like, like, like, can say, what do you watch people? Holiday is so important so that you can argue with your family in a different location with sunburn. But I like to escape from the bleak dystopia by holding up a toilet seat in front of a picture of a tropical island, and then taking a picture of it to post on

social media and pretending I'm on a plane and it really helps me break away from the daily monotony of posting lies on social media to convince people my life is better than it actually is. I think that might be the most succinct summary of 21st century life. Anyone's ever going to be with it. No one's going to top that. That was perfect. Neil, what's your, what do you look for in a kind of dream holiday destination? Well, the best thing I've ever heard on holiday was that a tourist attraction in Rome,

where I was, I don't know if you've heard of it, it's called the Colosseum. Oh, yeah. Big, big one. And there was an American family and they were very kind of Californian in their child care and very reassuring, even though there's two teenage sons battering the shit out of each other.

And after about 10 minutes that that lost his mind and shouted out at us two sons, he said, do you stop fighting? This is the Colosseum and it's door plays for fighting. We were like, I think and it's door plays for fighting Like I think it's exactly the place for fighting One of those kids should have hit you to the one I'm going. Are you not entertained? Well if you can believe it I can tell you one of the best lines I heard when I was it I think it was thought park where someone just shouted at their husband, I'll just get on the tea cups and f***ing.

LAUGHTER Which, you know, can't beat it really. LAUGHTER It's the bad language with the gentleness of the tea cups, isn't it? Yes, yes. It really is. It's like, it's like, get on the bouncy castle you fucking prick. That brings us to the end of this week's Bugle One More full Bugle this year before we

consign 2023 to the history books where it fucking belongs. Thank you for listening. Don't forget, that as I said with just a few days a week or so, by the time you listen to this possibly to Christmas. The best Christmas present that you can possibly give anyone is a ticket to one of the Bugle Live shows in March, dotted around the UK. Best present is really? Yeah, best present, the best present. Details on the internet, also ticket links on the Bugle website. Well, you can also join our Bugle voluntary subscription scheme.

Subscribers get access to the exclusive monthly Ask and the Bonus show, which in which I answer your questions. The latest one will be coming out early next week or this week depending on when you're listening to it So there you go. That's my plugs dumb Neil anything to plug Yeah, I'm doing some UK to I'm doing some UK data in the new chore let the pleasant in London in April hot water Comedy Club in Liverpool and the comedy box in Bristol and a deal podcast called why would you tell me that where we talk about Wild stories that you don't know what you Probably Should And This Season We've Had Really Interesting Guys, including one I think you might like who's a South African Jewish dude

who is the dude who invented Bailies in London in the 1970s and his name is David Gluckmann and he's brilliant. So it's stuff like that. I can plug the film that I'm in. If you haven't seen it yet, it's on Paramount Plus and it's about a killer sloth. So it's called Sloth a House. Oh my God, you're in Sloth a house! Yeah, have you not? Did you not know?

No, I'm going to watch that, I didn't know that. Oh yeah, obviously the Emmy Noms came out at the beginning of the week and sort of bit disappointed not to have got a nod for my scenes with the sloth. Definitely would have been supporting because sloth is the lead, alpha is the lead, but yes, it's very silly, very fun comedy horror film, so check that out on Paramount Plus. If you're in America and you're listening, you can watch it on Hulu for a bit of fun and listen to episodes of Catharsis, my podcast

with the Beagle Network, so catch up on those they're available to listen to and you know Booker Ticket sees me live sometime, you can check me on social media for when and where I am playing. There you go, that is all of your Christmas presents sorted out, Puglas. Thank you very much for listening. We'll be back next week with Alice Fraser and Josh Gonderman to bid a not very fond farewell to this remorseless shit over you. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.

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