The Bugle - The Hot Dog Mercenary

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

Our take on Russia's short-lived civil war, serious enough for Putin to keep his shirt on. Plus, it's Musk v. Zuckerberg, Modi v. human rights and, er, a Russian man on a building site v. Australia. Some important notices:Buy our D'Ancey LaGuarde book, now on pre-order: https://unbound.com/books/the-dancey-laguarde-reader/Support Producer Chris's ride for Sea Watch, protecting displaced people crossing the Med: https://sea-watch.org/en/donate/fundraise/?cfd=hk07zListen to our Ashes special series: https://pod.link/UrncastToday's Buglers:Andy ZaltzmanNato GreenNeil DelamereAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, Audio Newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4268 of the bugle audio newspaper for a world that does remain visual despite mostly wanting to close its eyes and think of something

anything else. I'm Andy Zoltzman, the one true keeper of the sort of truth of shit. I've lost it. I think I used a cricket match and left it in the pavilion. Oh well, humanity can live without it. I'm here in the most famous Shed in Bugle History in London, the most famous city in Bugle History in the Northern Hemisphere, arguably the most action-packed hemisphere in the history of the world. And I'm joined today firstly from very far away as the crow flies, albeit that the crow would almost certainly die if it tried to fly that far,

especially as it would be flying beak first into the Gulf Stream headwinds, and over 5,000 miles, that's about three times the longest recorded migration by a crow, but were it not to die and fly in a threat, it would eventually reach NATO green in America. Hello, NATO, how are you? Hello Andy, hello, buglers, good to see you.

I'm actually for a change of pace. I am not speaking to you from California. All right. I am speaking to you from the mountains of Colorado. Right. Have you taken rest? Have you just said? It's beautiful country.

There's incredible spectacular mountains and rivers and towns called like rifle and parachute and clap collapsed mind shaft. And there's neo-Nazi's out here prepping for the coming race war. I'm in Lauren Bobert country, the Colorado Congresswoman, right wing litigant who posted posted a Christmas photo of her Saudis holding assault rifles, you know, arming children, we've frozen Liberian bagicelt for less. But that's what Christmas is, isn't it? That's, you know, if you arm children, then King Herod won't be able to kill them all. Isn't that the whole point?

Yeah. The only defense against a bad Judas with a gun is a good Jesus with a gun. Ah! From slightly less far away, but still quite far away as the Haddock swims in Dublin, which is a bit of a tricky route for a Haddock to get to where I am. But if you can work his way around the coast and then phone up,

find a way out the Thames as far as the Wondle Tributree then up Norbury Brook. I can pick it up near the station. Anyway, joining us from Dublin, it's Neil Dallamere. Hello Neil. Hello Andy, how are you? I'm very well. Very well, thanks. I am, I come to you wrecked. I have

started and I feel the need to tell everybody that's training for a triathlon. Oh right. And all I have learned so far is the swimming section, right? Chris is doing a cheer. So I assume he's training for something similar because he's just raised his hand in sort of I'm qualified triathlon coach Neil. So anytime you want me to work you over. Okay, well done. I mean as a reward or I'll have learned so far as when you go for the swim training. Well, I've learned two things so far. First one is that if you want to figure which lane you should go in the swimming and you read what is on the other people's swimming hats. So like Dublin triathlon, don't go into that lane. Paris Iron Man, no, no, Peppa Pig. That's the lane for me. The woman with the full on unicorn horn on hers. It seems to be basically swimming

seems to be you're just a member of the Republican Party in the US in that you are completely out for yourself and obsessed reducing drag. Neil, so I assume that you were announcing this just to taunt us in some way for your, so so I have, I would like to be in better fitness. Tell me as part of your fitness plan, do you continue to eat scones and have seven drinks a day? Yeah, very much so. But now it's not called an alcohol problem. It's called car blooding. So it's all about level, really. Well, of course, I mean, NATO, you know, on our team, we don't need to do triathlons because when it comes to swimming

boat, we just wait for God to part the seas for us. So, uh, it's really a biaithlons as much as, uh, as we need not not not the kind of winter Olympics biaithlons. I mean, Chris, how many triathlons have you done? I do keep a tally. No, I didn't keep a tally. I did, I did a few. I did more, I, I don't know, 10, let's retake 10. Right.

Have you ever won one? Yeah, I won every single one I ever took. Oh, that's good. Bye, bye, bye, some margin. Were you the only person in those races? No comment. But I mean, Triathlon is essentially, yeah, it's a metaphor for human evolution, isn't it? You start swimming.

I just should figure out how you're going to get a biking and then running after a biking as the evolutionary. Well, again, the biking they put in afterwards. So you go from swimming, and then we easily lose that to see we learn to move, and then we develop machinery. So it encapsulates all of human progress, and people are in unnecessarily small swimming suits. So what more could you possibly want from a sport?

I don't look great in the tracetuit, I'd be honest. It looks like someone wrapped a bullock in cling film. We are recording on the 26th of June 2023. The 26th of June is world remember about something a day late day and we're celebrating this by recording on the 26th and not making the podcast live until the 27th There can be no more moving tribute The 29th is world industrial design day so do try to design something industrial if you're listening to this Maybe a factory where you just input loads of atoms and it automatically makes whatever thing is most needed in the world right now, that can be far off, or a hospital that not only cures people but gives them especially enhanced bionic body part. Or maybe you can develop an automatic rainbow that can be assembled in under an hour and transported to anywhere in the world that needs an instant blast of metaphorical hope, get working bugles. As always a section of the

bugle is going straight in the bin and this week well you mentioned you're in Colorado NATO but we've reached the quarter final stage of the bugle sponsored world's favourite geographical features knockout competition. We've got this week the quarter final draw it's mountains against rift valleys, estuaries against salt flats I think that could be a close one. Atolls, massive surprise last 16 win over peninsula versus crowd favorite sandy beaches. And Pete Bogg, which Pete Boggs recently bought up by Saudi Arabia and their latest reputation laundering, nature watching investment against rainforests out of form over recent years, but still very tough to beat. That's in the bin. Also this week a free giveaway,

a free scapegoat, someone or something to blame for your personal failings, the problems in society, or the fractures in humanity's relationship with itself and its planet. We will draw this week's scapegoat out of the bag, and this week's scapegoat to blame everything on is... ...Chainba music. There you go. Blame it on the Chamber music. Everything is now fine. Now, those sections in the bin. Top story this week.

Russia is in the midst of civil war. Oh, it's finished. It's finished already. Was was this history shortest ever civil war? It seemed to last about a day. The the the the the Vada. Can it count as a civil war if one of the sides in it is a private company? I don't know. The Wagner versus Russia, I mean obviously from a British point of view, private companies with armies. It's a bit of an embarrassing part of our heritage as

Anivab has explained with the reference to the East India Company over the years on this show. But it was a really strange, strange couple of days, partly because I was trying to follow this whilst watching nothing but sport. I'm in between the first two ashes test in a professional capacity and I took my son to a day of the women's test match and two baseball games in London whilst I'm trying to follow the Russian civil war. And it's quite hard for me to get my head around it, to be honest, without seeing it into a thinking struck out, maybe he won't. I can't remember who walked who struck out.

Anyway, the point is, it seems to be over the Wagner versus Putin civil war. And the question arises, has Putin shown strength in dealing with it? Weakness in dealing with it. Weak strength, strong weakness, weak weakness, or weak strong weakness. What we have to experts on Russian internal politics and the art of mercenary warfare with us, NATO and Neil, can you just say, can either of you fully explain what just happened?

Well, I once watched Gordon Ramsay drive across America with Gina DeCampo and I thought that was the angriest chef I'd seen on a road trip, but no, it's Evgeny Pregozion. Pregozion in the plot of the worst expendables film ever just took a band of savage mercenaries for a walk. And that was it. Don't get me wrong, it is lovely to see someone marching on Moscow in the summer for a change. I really think it's like the World Cup, Andy. I think it doesn't feel right in November or December.

It's June or July from me. That is the time to march on Moscow. Normally those were happened. I was looking at the map. Lepeck is 800 kilometers from their failed positions in Ukraine. So they walked 800 kilometers. Now if you do the conversion to Imperial, is there a chance that this is the weirdest tribute to the proclaimers that there has ever been? Because that appears to be what it was.

And if you don't understand this, let me put this in terms that you'll understand Andy. He was on his way to Moscow, he was on his way. He passed his medical, the deal was done. Then Lukashenko swooped in and nabbed him and now he's going to Belarus for an undisclosed face. Could be a hundred million quid, could be a hundred and fifty million quid depending on appearances. Sadly, Victoria Azarenko is going the other way as a make-weight in the deal.

So it's very unfortunate for her. She is leaving tennis to command a lawless band of ex-convicts in an illegal war. It is unlikely to affect her ATP ranking. So that is the good use on that. Well, that's what she's in the WTA not the ATP. So I mean, it's not going to. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. I mean, well, then I'm definitely right. Well then I'm definitely right. I mean Putin, you know, he's having a bit of an awkward decade, Nate. I mean, it's the kind of decade that makes you wonder if there is something deeply troubling him on a personal level.

And inevitability catches up with all dictators eventually. It's just a question of time method and whether they're alive or dead to appreciate it as Colonel Gaddafi's asshole can testify. But I mean, where do you think this leaves Putin? Well, you know, it was, I mean, we had a civil war here between Putin and the Wagner group. And you know, if you have to, if you have to handicap your chances in a civil war, are you going to go with the death spot that has been ruling Russia for the last 20 plus years or the guy that you never heard of before last Wednesday. Of which one has the better chances?

You've get a prego- is a Jewish former owner of Hotdog Stand turned mercenary Warlord. He leveraged his Hotdog Stand to a restaurant or a catering business to leading a mercenary army of 50,000 neo-nazis. And I have to say as a Jew, it's really inspiring to see a Jew can be anything he sets his mind to even a Nazi. So and I want to see that action movie about the hot dog mercenary where it opens with like I have spent a lifetime building up a very special set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. Do you want pickle relish on that?

It's such a normal career path from hotdog vendor to it's like massage therapist to ninja. It would be like if Andy became a mercenary. What do you mean if? Well, it's just roaming around with noerdon and bullets strapped across his chest. I do like love that idea. That's the wall worn path that he's in. He leaves prison and is there to him in the job set or what do you want to do? I want to be a hot dog salesman.

Okay, because that if you play a card right, can lead to international mercenary warlord. Well, you know, it's it's the normal progression. Oh, yeah, yeah. I went from comedy into cricket stats. So, you know, it's it's the normal progression. Yeah, yeah, I went from comedy into cricket stats. So you know, stranger things have happened. So Andy, uh, Putin, as you know, is an egomaniac corrupt war criminal who surrounds himself with like-minded people, people who have a similar style and essence and progoation is the utmost of those. He's sort of the pinnacle of that. And he's gone beyond the other corrupt war criminals. Now

the Wagner group is willing to go on all mannered military escapades around the world, but they had growing concerns that the Ukraine invasion was poorly planned and unnecessarily resulting in too many rational casualties, and Progozhian wanted something lower risk. You could say that at the pinnacle of the corrupt warlords, mild unputin and preferred, lower risk invasions, it's really a case of pasta putin' Eska with non-parell capers. Did I do that right? I think we just all need to take a few moments to just oh, appreciate the majesty of that.

He's opened the door to puns, we are now on DEF CONFY. I got to pot pasta putin Putanesca and it took me about an hour and a half to work backwards. And it was both a lot of work and I hated myself. Right. How you feel would you have to write funds? Look, I'd say, I mean, that's a phase that we all go through and then you learn to accept yourself for what you are and it all becomes a bit easier. So, so yeah, if you think about yeah, no, it's invading. If you think about this, like, this is a man

whose practice of sending waves and waves of troops into battle with no care for their well-being was described as sending meat into the meat grinder. And now he's going to live in Belarus. This is the man who puts the mince into Minsk. Thank you. Thank you. Well, those terminologies might make sense of the transition from hot dog salesmen. Can we just say how weird it is, by the way?

I'll never get used to getting my breaking news from social media, because the juxtaposition between the previous posts and tweets is just too much to handle. It's like, cat playing the piano, all-couple dancing, mercenary lunatic standing beside pile of bodies, dogs nuggling a baby, cat nipping, hit with a sledgehammer, Jesus' face in a tomato, clouds it looked like things drawn at hack and donetsk. It's just too weird.

Did you see that Wagner troops in Rostov und Don, they were welcomed in apparently, and they were wandering around getting coffees in a coffee shop, but they had their face masked to cover their identities. I really like the idea that they all have their face masked, but they still have to have their names in the cups. I really wanna, I mean, in a better level,

so you can't tell who I am. I'm like Ninja, you have Gany Proycia? I'm gonna skin flat white for you. You have Gany Proycia. Do you have the cinnamon? Yeah, the cinnamon. Proclusion is known as one of the world's least pleasant f*** sticks, I believe, is that the term

and has been providing Putin with murderous cannon fodder from the Russian penal system. And I guess you have to say, Putin has been a bit unlucky with this in a way, because it's turned out that relying on mercenaries led by a man of vast and unfathomable depths of f***ery is a risky strategy. I mean, you would have thought, you know, that, you know, in the old days, t***ish mercenaries were at least bound by some form of honor, but, you know, maybe we can't even rely on that anymore. I mean, the relationship between

these two has been sowing like a bucket of cheese for some time. And because you've turned against poodles, after claiming the Russian army deliberately attacked his Vognirian forces and he plucked the armed insurrection club out of his militaristic golf bag. So I guess the question is, where now for Putin? Putin because luckily for him From a British point of view coincided with Glastonbury so in the UK at least the media were rather more preoccupied with whether Elton John's voice is still what it was What went wrong with guns and roses cry genic chamber and how disappointing it was that Lizzo had to step in at the last minute for Liz truss So it didn't get quite as much media traction But people were wondering like where Putin was and they were also wondering who was Elton John's next guest going to be. Now that was the

way to end last and very if Putin just walked out and they played Rocketman, that would have been amazing. But he gave a speech today, Monday as we were recording, which he didn't refer to the coup attempt stroke insurrection at all, which is a bit like doing a theater review of our American cousin at the Ford Theatre Washington DC on the 14th of April 1865 and not mentioning that a tall guy with a beard in the audience got shot during the performance. It was that level of ignoring a key factor. It's like, go on a first date, taking a stuffed leopard with you, putting it in the spare

seat at your dinner table, and then not only not mentioning it throughout dinner, but not even bringing up the issue of taxidermy. That to me is how much he is ignoring reality. Andy, I think you're minimizing it because when Putin went on to address the nation on Saturday, do you realize how bad things have to be in Russia for Vladimir Putin to put a shirt on? Putin only wears a shirt during times of great crisis for the Russian Empire, you need parogi shortage or a pussy ride concert.

Does he wear more clothes than worse it gets? Like someone trying to, you know on a Ryan Airplane where you don't want to pay the extra back in January? Like every coach you've ever owned. If he ever comes out in layers, we are f**ked ladies and gentlemen. I like the way. The dudes are in the air.

What he said was, we will not let this happen again. We will protect our people and state from any threats, including internal betrayal. What we're facing is exactly a betrayal. What else is he going to say? He's not gonna just go, we will let this one slide. Everyone has an off day. He probably has low blood sugar, give him a twist and see if he changes his mind. People, like the big question is, oh how does this end? I'll tell you how it ends,

Nova Chuck shower gel. This is how this ends. He's going to be in Minsk. Oh, look, oh, coconut with a hint of Pallonium gone. So I guess the question is what next for Putin to rebuild his rather shattered grasp on power and his images, this Uber powerful overlord. What can he do? Could he invade somewhere else? Could he join forces with Ukraine against Wagner? Or will he take up arms with another mercenary group named after a famous composer? In which case, I'm not sure who would be on his list. Iverdi might go for a lesser known composer, so long as there's satis factory. But he won't want to be seen to take a backward step, even if he is hiding away in the Kremlin and people are calling him to Boosey. I guess he's just trying to

get a handle on the situation. He doesn't want to be choping and it doesn't want to be choping and changing too much, but it could all unravel which could bring things to a rapid halt. He won't get any help from Britain to be sure, not a half of this, egregious behaviour. But you might need to beg other countries for troops or use equipment that he's borrowed in. But I guess he could just go out on the streets of Moscow and pick up any old chance who's prepared to go in recklessly, I guess he could just go out on the streets of Moscow and pick up any old chance so he's prepared to go in recklessly, just go and grab a rash man enough of the streets.

Anyway, I can't see anything well, unless someone can talk Sansons into him. I digress. There was no warning. We've already gone. Oh, upon to that point, I would usually condemn somebody for hitting somebody else with a sledgehammer but there was a point in the middle of that where I could kind of see pure light

and truth how you could be driven towards it. I feel better about my pop with nest a bit. You shouldn't. It's, it Chris is the most devastating one, isn't it? You don't expect it from Chris and then he just comes in. Slick it and ninja. Yeah. Is this your bedside banner when you're doing triathlon coaching Chris? In other Russia related news, well, it's been a really tough week for Russia because not only have they had to deal with a millisecond long civil war, but they've had legal problems in Australia. Australia's top court has rejected Russia's bid to retain a plot of land on which to

build a new embassy in Canberra. Russia's claim fell above the statutory no worries threshold of Australian law and the some worries cited whether it could be used for spying as it's only a few hundred yards from the Australian Parliament building. A Russian diplomat had been squatting on the site, not the most concerning Russian occupation of someone else's land, the world's had to deal with the Vlates to be fair, but apparently he had diplomatic immunity which actually cannot be spontaneously revoked without direct deprivation from actor Danny Glover.

So it wasn't quite as simple as might have seemed the case at the time. Neil, I know you're an expert on this. Great topical reference. That is a quality, leading weapon. It's diplomatic immunity. Quality. It's about my most recent cultural reference in the nearly 16 years I've been doing on that. The villain to now one where South African African did you feel a special connection to that one?

Andy listen we're looking he mentioned a talky that's he got anything more recent than So Neil, I know you're a big fan of Australian land and property law. Who's the idea one with this? Well, the Australians think that the Russians might use it for spying. I mean, I think the giveaway was that the new embassy is shaped like a big glass. And it was going to go right up against the wall. And I think maybe the plans gave that away. You look at this and there's a diplomat squatting in the building. I'm gonna go out in a limb here and go He's not the best guy

Okay, I'm just gonna say I don't think he's the best spy Stroke diplomat that like they're not putting the 18 months squatting junior They're not you know here's one for you know Hill Street Blues where they used to hand out the The assignments at the start of the Hill Street Blues. I don't imagine they're like, now listen, don't be offended by the assessment, we're just given at the roles based on the talents and he's a trained sniper and explosive expert, so he's going to go into the field and John, your 25 stone, profoundly agoraphobic. So we just thought that you could squat here and see if anything changes.

What I do hope is that he holds out and then the city develops around him and the sky shits, sky scrapers are built and shopping centers are built and then he's in the middle like in a little lean to like the old man in up and he just holds out in the old zone and then he escapes eventually by attaching a load of balloons onto the, onto the, lean to the, he's built in a floats away into the sunset. And as it almost disappears, the Americans shoot it down for being a Chinese spy balloon. That's, that's how I see this ending broadly speaking.

Right. Well, I think it might be disappointed because the latest reports say that he has left in a car. It's rather anticlimclomatic unfortunate. Yeah, you know, is he headed for Belarus? A-ha. B-a-ha. B-a-ha. Billion air news now and well, it's the contest everyone has been waiting for.

Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk are to have a cage fight and and they are deadly serious about it, according to the boss of UFC. Now, I've made no secret on this podcast over the years of being a fan of the concept of human civilization. In fact, you could indeed argue that the bugle is in fact a part of human civilization, albeit tangentially, but there is an increasing sense that really human civilization has had its fucking chance and its fucking blown it because if people are going to pay money to watch Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk fight we have fucked it as a species. We have nothing more to do. We have nowhere else to go. We're done. We've had a go and that's it. There's, we've shown we cannot be trusted with ourselves or our planet.

I'd rather you excited about this, this imminent showdown. Yeah, I've, I've, I've a degree in soft-engineering and this is going to be the geekiest fight in history, my friend. They're going to have C3PO as a ring girl Walking around with a card with a round number one zero one zero all through round two lovely touch It won't just be them they're gonna have to have an undercard like you know two corporate process going against each other I want to see Ronald McDonald not gonna shout shot out with a Colonel Sanders in the weather wait. Before that Tony DeTiger ripping the coca-buck, put coca-pups monkey to shred. Stop turning the milk brown you silly and f**king, I want to say. I've got so many questions.

What's it going to be called? All the great fights have to have a name and they bring up one person in your head, the trailer in a manila's jewel phrase, you're in the rumble in the jungle is alley and the attack and punty fractures all of her crumbwell, the brawl and gall is Julia Caesar, the pasting and hastings is really in the conqueror. One back combat captain cook, there's loads of them. What's it going to be called? And I'm prepared to overlook the fact that Elon Musk is a weird man.

Elon is a weird name. I've convinced his my coat and spelled Noel. That's what I'm absolutely convinced by. But I mean, that's interesting, isn't it? I mean, what if he'd been called no-o-musk? It's quite hard to believe that he would have been nearly as successful as being called Elon Musk. No, and he's just, is he trying to get the ad grow out

that he's now the second richest man in the world, behind the boss of Louis Vuitton M.H., LVM H, which is all those fashion houses and perfumes. Like that must annoy him. Elon Musk is beaten by the head of a company that sounds like it makes something called Elon Musk. That must be really annoying. But I'm here for the two of them, not can sound bells and shit, I'll leave each other. Well, you're not even sure that Elon Musk knew what a cage match was.

Like he's so out of touch and clueless, you think that he thinks that he can have a second. You know what I mean? To do the fighting for him. And to send someone else to take the pops. Well, I think, I mean, I don't mind, you know, I guess the idea of Zuckerberg and Musk having some kind of contest, but I think they should each fight each other Using a mechanical death robot that they've built themselves and I think that would be a more appropriate contest for these two tech mega dewebes

But I guess you know what I like the idea of either of them getting beaten up I just have trouble rooting for one of the up like I would like either of them to fight, I would like both of them to fight literally any stevedor in the world. I guess, you know, it's a question of fairness and freedom of choice. You know, if highly skilled, athletically-owned professional pugilists are allowed to fight each other for money in the end of time and of others, why shouldn't tech zillionaires and escape bond villains do the same? And if you stop Zuckerberg and Musk, pummeling the shit out of each other suspiciously wealthy faces, do you not crush the dreams of all the children of the world, past, present and future? No, no, you don't. Just make

people watch two metaphors for human excess, competed in a metaphorical performance art piece about the dangers of human excess. I think they should only be allowed if Conor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather can each set up a multi-billion dollar tech company first. Then I think it will be a fair exchange between the tech business and the fight business. Oh yeah, I've set up a brand new company. Thanks for the cheers.

Oh God god no. What we're talking about, Billionaires, many billionaires own yachts and many yachts, likewise own billionaires, I think, I forget the relationship between the two. But this was a story we picked up on a few weeks ago about the ongoing war between Orcas and Yots and essentially between Orcas and Plutacrats, which I think Orcas are naturally a species that favors greater redistribution of wealth in human society. And they've started to try to make that point by attacking yachts. And we reported on the attack in Gibraltar a few weeks ago.

It turns out these are now becoming global, and this is essentially the start of the end times when all kinds's attack yachts, it's, you know, it's not long until the entire natural world is ganging up against us and turfing us off the planet. One expert said that it's unlikely there is a revenge element in these Orca attacks, which to me seems to be one of the most deluded pieces of bullshit I have ever heard. Why would there not be a revenge element to an Orca attacking a yacht? There's no logic in that. Can either of you see why an Orca would not be vengeful towards humanity? Yes. Since killer whales were attacking yachts, since 2020 there have

been 500 reports of Orkett encounters off the Iberian peninsula, right? Some lunatics like you think they're just singing at rich people's yachts and attacking them. The idea that these jumped up sea badgers could get together and orchestrate and I'm spelling that O-R-C-A-S-T-R-A-T-E attacks on only yachts is madness. But my main issue with it is the idea that these whales have somehow organized themselves to take on boats in Spain and Portugal and that's where they start. No, Japan is where they start. Norway is where they start. The next time some Japanese or Norwegian whaler looks out over the bow and sees 40 orcas heading towards and balanced on each other like the human pyramid that you used to see on the motorbikes in record breakers.

You're not firing off that harpoon. You're going to shit yourself. Remember what Attenborough said, never trust something that looks like a fish f*** the piano. Okay, my question actually might be one of the ways of dealing with this problem actually would stop stopping and breeding. It's not just that the Orcas are attacking yachts, but that they're, I mean, for me, is a union guy that they're getting organized.

You know, like you imagine that the Orcas are having meetings, being life, you know, planning the way that we used to protest, like, the world trade organization, is you'd have an affinity group that would have a name, you know, like the Orca anti-colonial emancipation front or whatever, the waterfront liberation front. And then you'd have a meeting, people would use consensus, you know, there would be a motion and then the Orcas would decide,

okay, I'm gonna take the stern, you're gonna take the aft, we're gonna try to jam up the rudders, we're gonna, like, it's like the orcas have been reading some Nolum Chomsky and some Mount St. Tongue, theories of guerrilla warfare, they're ready, you know, I'm all for it. What do we want? When do we want it? And the all week long, I knew that we were going to have to talk about the tightening submarine explosion. I just I was following that story. I was like, we're going to have to talk about on the B explosion. I was following that story. I was like, we're gonna have to talk about it on the muvel. But the internet had every possible take already. Do you know what I mean?

I was just watching joke after joke. And then you sweet, sweet man came across with Boris Johnson's editorial, The Daily Mail. And I realized that the take I was waiting to hear was Boris Johnson's take on the Titan Submarine accident. Everyone gets to weigh in, but the only takes that I want are from delusional men who used to be powerful. Let's just have a podcast of Boris Johnson, Augusto Pinochet, and Bill Cosby, talking about the Ocean Gate Fiasco.

So at the Titanic ship, the historic metaphor of human hubris, being the cause of death more than a century later in yet another monument of human hubris, being hailed as heroes by Boris Johnson, who is the embodiment of human hubris himself, he couldn't be more on the nose if the essay was written, not just by Boris Johnson, but specifically by bacteria living in his nostrils. And his profile pic had piles of dead bodies of people who died of COVID while he was Prime Minister Stack Bessart-Barrickdom. He thinks it's a testament to the greatness of the British

to explore the frontiers of human knowledge. Meanwhile, 750 migrants of a boat in the biggest sea tragedy of the Mediterranean, since the Odyssey, the migrants were coming from Palestine, Syria, Pakistan, Egypt. He wasn't interested in them. They weren't testing the frontiers of anything, except how quickly Suella Brevernment could put them

on a plane to Rwanda. Well, I mean, he said amongst various other things that he said in his article, he said, as you see, harding and his friends died in a cause, pushing out the front as a human knowledge and experience that is typically British and that fills me with pride. Now, you typically British things to do, presumably include trying to move from one part of the world to another to build a better life. It doesn't get more British than that when you look at the history of our empire, but it doesn't seem to be applying that logic to the victims of that tragedy or any other, hundreds

of tragedies like it that we've seen in recent years. And also, it wasn't just a British crew. There was, you know, there was a Frenchman, there was an American, did they suddenly become British in their final moments? It was a, it was one of the weirdest articles in Boris Johnson's personal history. And that is essentially the same as the history of humanity

in terms of weird articles. He's got quite a lot of entries into the top 100. And notably he left out any mention of, you know, the regulatory failures and the warnings that were ignored before the vessel sent out. So before the ship, the the the tight set sail, or took the plunge, three dozen people were in the company that the thing wasn't safe at a depth of 4,000 meters. And Oceangate CEO Stockton Ruff decided it was safe as it had been tested for safety by dipping it gently into a backyard swimming pool like a strawberry at a fondue party. At its, what a shocker that Mr. Tracks and Trace didn't mention that ignoring advice to the leading to

death as a vanity project that the rest of the world calls moronic but Boris Johnson calls typically British heroism. He also drew parallels with the early years of flight and the Wright brothers. He had looked at those first flying machines, weird contraptions of leather and canvas and wood, as possible he's mixing it up with his own former number 10 f*** dungeon, but we don't know about that. He said they were lethal and yet no one tried to regular again. We don't know what he's writing about.

That could be anything from his political life lethal and unregulated. Anyway, he was talking about the early aeroplanes, the whole idea was new. And to an extent, he's got a point. All bit that point is completely irrelevant and wrong because the first occupied submersible went to the bottom of the bottom, a bit of the bottom of the ocean, the Marianas trench, in 1960, that is 63 years ago. So this is not new. Saying this is new is subtleised and that gap year students getting drunk in Bali are bravely exploring the virgin wilderness of the Pacific.

It is not correct. Does he think Jewel's verne is still tweeting and it's started? Oh my God, I've found this new influencer. He's writing this thing about 2000 leagues under the sea. 20,000 leagues under the sea, it's amazing. By the way, lethalon was regulated at our White Boris Johnson call his testicles in said fucking engine. And also Orville and Wilbur if it's for any

sector. He also said that Hamish Harding and his fellow is trying to take a new step for humanity to popularize undersea travel to democratize the ocean floor. Now again, the conservatives from their grasp of what democracy is are a little off the sea, so Exhibit One Boris Johnson's resignation honours list in which he tries to bake his crudies into our political decision-making system for all f***ing time. Besides, it's not a new step, it's been done a lot. There's so much wrong with this article, and clearly there's deep personal tragedy for the families of those involved. At the same time, this whole thing is beyond idiotic and it sits

illiterate with the deeply human tragedies that have been given far less media coverage. Let's do a stop. Reading Boris Johnson's columns. He simply simply the answer to the question, what would it look like of the hunchback of Notre Dame f*** the bill of hair? Well, Neil, it's all real you're saying that now, but what we need is people saying that 25 years ago, of which there were some, but we ignored them, and the rest is British history.

The War of War A quick bit of American news now, and well, it's been a slightly awkward visitor to America. Nurendra Modi, the Prime Minister of India, has been visiting America, and he's a man, as we've talked about in the Bugal multiple times, that human rights fans find a little hard to warm to. He puts Western nations in a rather difficult position. On the one hand, he is the leader of the world's most popular nation. He was elected by a Democratic vote. And on the other hand, Jesus Narendra, is there any chance you could stop being such a ****? And it's an awkward balance to strike. Given that he treats the concept of a peaceful multi-faith multi-ethnic nation,

the same way as a psychotic child treats us captured spider. He just gradually pulls each of its legs off until there's nothing left. The Modi visit, also, I think Andy, you're not realizing, was an example of the woke mob running a mock in American life. They gave into the lips because he came to America for a steak dinner and it was a fully vegan plant-based meal. I don't know if you looked at the menu. There were two different courses of millet. And this is bullshit.

I don't care if he's a vegetarian. He's in America. He should have to eat chicken fried steak and steak fried hog and catfish fried babies and ham fried whiskey because that's what we do in America God damn it. This is a non story. That's right. A former British colony with a green white and orange flag and a leader of Indian heritage goes to the White House. Happened on say Patrick's Day, happens all the time, we're always there, we have our own key essentially. This is just a bad story. He did a big yoga event as well on the Wednesday which was, I was very impressed with his yoga positions I have to say. Did you see that? He did a authoritarian nationalist pause where you turn to the right?

Paranoid populist pause where you look over your shoulder and you're just you're just always doing that really. Government human rights pause where you hover because you do not have a f***ing leg to stand. Well it's only fair to say that Modi doesn't really split opinion, he dices it up and cababs it. And as history shows, you know, it's all very well supporting human rights as we like to do. But that political impulse often found as when it comes up against the words, new clear arm trade partner with almost 1.5 billion potential customers. And that is why Modi is such an awkward man for Western countries to deal. Also, it's a bit hard for countries like America and specifically the UK to tell Modi's India, you should be more careful with the kind of people you put in charge of your country.

Those words are rigging even hollower than they used to after the past 10 years. That brings to the end of this week's bugle. The bugle ashes Zoltzka, after bringing you daily statistics from the ashes cricket series, will be continuing with the Lord's Test beginning on Wednesday, the 28th. Thank you for listening so far. If you've enjoyed it, do tell everyone you know. It will be featuring producer Chris from now on. We're going to turn it into a bit of a two-hander over the course of this next test. It was, I don't know, it was big news in America, the first ashes test. It was a journey into the very nature of drama itself, a swirling narrative of human and mathematical

fluctuations. It was pretty much the high point of all human civilization. Did it get much traction in the States? Nope, not a ball. NATO, do you have anything to plug? I sure do. Bujulas of New Mexico on Saturday, July 8th. I'll be headlining the dry heat comedy club go to their website, dry heat comedy club for tickets. I mean, and also buy my albums, preferably on band camp, the whiteness of Mr. Nailov, read on Instagram, the usual.

Neil, what have you got? Coming up. I've got the podcast out this week. Why would you tell me that? And this week we talk to a man, a scientist about why if you drink with diet mixers, you actually get pissed more quickly than if you drink with normal mixers. That's good. That's a practical life advice that we need from podcasting.

Next week we explore how a word gets into a language. So English usually takes words in organically, but further languages, particularly minority languages, how does, how, what's the Irish word or the Scottscale required for fidget spinner? Somebody has to decide, and we talk about that. And I'm not doing the festival, but I'm doing the standing Edinburgh in September. So you can get your tickets at the usual places. Before we go, we have a couple of things to plug. The Don't See LaGuard book funded by you, Bugle listeners, is approaching its funding target.

Chris, this is the full transcripts of all the Donzilla Guard masterpieces from Alice Fraser. I can confirm, Andy, that as of this afternoon, we have passed the funding target and it is no longer a pledge. We're now officially in pre-order phase. The book is happening, but people can still pre-order now and get sign copies of the book and all kinds of other things. And Alice and I had a call earlier on today and she now realizes that she's actually got to do some writing. So congratulations, Alice. Good luck. People can pre-order the book now. Sign copies, go to unbound.com or go to our website or go to the other places

on the internet. That is the sound of bugle listeners calling someone's bluff. Also, Chris, you have a charity bike ride coming up. I do. So on Friday morning, which is the 30th of June, Andy, I'm gonna wake up at sunrise, which I think is about 4.45 am in the UK that day. And I'm gonna get on my bicycle and I'm just gonna start cycling.

I've got no route, no one with me. I'm just gonna keep going. I think, depending on, I'm gonna go with the wind. I think I can do two, 300 kilometers maybe, all being well, maybe I'll get to Yorkshire or Bristol or something, and I'm putting myself through this. Well, one because I'm an idiot, and I like hurting myself in such idiot ways. And two, I'm doing it for a charity called Sea Watch, who are a Mediterranean-based... they're the guys who are in the Mediterranean

basically trying to save migrants lives off the coast of Libya and Greece and all that and so it hopefully fund a little bit the boats and the helicopters that they used to try to save people's lives. And how can people support your ridiculous, literally pointless and endless bike ride. Yes, they can go to the show notes for this program and I'll put a link in the show notes or I'll put a link up on Twitter at some point as well at producer Chris. There we go. Do support Chris and his lunacy. It's forever recycling his lunacy. It's forever a cycling-based lunacy.

If ever there was a metaphor for the political leadership of the UK. Just start riding and see where you end up. With no direction, literally letting the wind inside the course. I mean, I'm not saying it's a good idea, Neil. I think we all know it's not a good idea. But at least for once, someone will actually benefit from it. There we go. Thank you for listening to Beagle as we will be back next week.

Don't forget to listen in to all the latest numbers from the Crickets on the Beagle Ashes Zoltzcastle until then goodbye. .