The Bugle - The King meets Trump

Episode Date: April 29, 2026

On this week's issue of the Bugle. Andy is joined by dream team Alice Fraser and Nish Kumar as the trio jump into this week's news as the King visits America, Trump's new ballroom and the latest news from the White House correspondents dinner. Plus Andy opens up The Bugle's Gambling and Sports sections. It's issue 4377 of The Bugle!🇬🇧 The King meets Trump: King Charles lands in the US to meet with Donald Trump as fractious relations between countries continues.🇺🇸 Correspondents Dinner Horror: The trio discuss the aftermath following shots fired at the White House Correspondents Dinner.💰 Real Life Gambling: Andy, Alice and Nish report the news that people are gambling on real life events! Andy's Links: https://www.andyzaltzman.co.uk/Alice Fraser's Links: https://www.patreon.com/AliceFraserNish Kumar's Links: https://www.nishkumar.co.uk/🎤 Get tickets for the LIVE episode of The Gargle HEREhttps://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/the-gargle-live-fri-26th-jun-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202606261800/🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

newspaper for a visual world. Hello. That's a bad story. Leave it in, Harry. Let's try again. Sounded like someone punch Tom Waits. This show does not advocate punching Tom Waits. Let me make that abundantly clear.

Hello, buglers. And this is now the official start of the show. Right. Okay. Let's get this fucking thing on track. Hello, Puglers. And welcome to issue 4,377 of the planets only ever and one remaining audio newspaper for a visual world. I'm Andy Zaltzen.

It is the 28th of April, 26. I am in the shed of remorseless truth, an overwhelming factuality, sort of. That's its acronym. The world outside still hasn't got its shit together. So here we are again with another bugle. And it's a dream team special. Obviously all bugle lineups are dream teams, but this one is dreamier and teamier.

It's Nish Kuba and Alice Fraser. Hello. Hello, Andy. I'm delighted to be part of the dream team. The other day I dreamed that I hadn't finished school and had to go back and do my exams. How do they go? I don't know.

I think I spent most of the time remembering that this couldn't be real and it had to be a dream. And, oh, no, that was it, basically. I mean, Nish obviously being, you know, just being Nish Kumar is pretty much, I mean, that's, people can do degrees in it now. So, you know, how do you cope with this? Listen, people are offering doctorates in Kumaology. It's a fascinating study of, as you can see behind me, just incredible discipline.

If you're watching the video, the room behind me is unbelievably organized. And in no way has three drying t-shirts hanging up behind me and a guitar with a recently broken high-estring. In no way is that what's going on behind me. Hello, Andy, hello Alice, hello buglers. I have returned to the United Kingdom. I made it back in one piece from my visit to the United States of America on the how the fuck did he get his visa tour.

It was very nice to see so many so many buglers out at all of the shows in New York and L.A. and Austin. And it was nice to catch up with some of the American bugle co-hosts and see Hari Kondubolu, see NATO Green, just see how they're faring emotionally at the moment. I even managed to see the original Big Johnny Showbiz himself. I actually went to a taping of last week tonight, which I understand was very good, though I couldn't hear it over the sound of my own boo. I just think it's necessary to issue a corrective. That guy has got too much praise for too love. I mean, I'm astonished that they gave you a visa when they wouldn't give me one.

I feel like you are much more overtly political than I am. And I think this answers the question of whether brown men or women are more of a danger to the American state. Women with opinions. Alice, you have reproduced and therefore you constitute a serious immigration threat. Who knows what embryos you could be cooking up that you can unleash in America. That's what I call it when I'm pregnant. I say I'm smuggling dissidents. No, listen, I think the answer to how I got the question is the answer to how does anything work in America?

I continuously threw money at the problem. The one thing that still trumps everything in the United States of America is thousands and thousands of dollars. That's going to something never change. We are recording on the 28th of April, 26. On the 29th of April in the year 1910, the UK Parliament passed the People's Budget, so-called, the first budget in this country, whose goal was to redistribute wealth amongst the British public. By the looks of things, they're still trying to get all the amendments passed so it can actually come into effect just 116 years later.

29th April tomorrow is World Wish Day. And I mean, there's quite a lot. So what would you, yeah, are you guys going to make a wish for World Wish Day? And if so, what would it be? You know, Wish it weren't World Wish Day. I guess that's a wish that will come true the day after that. As always, I thought you said World Nish Day, and I haven't really engaged with the last two minutes of this podcast.

Just envisioning the branching chains on your Wikipedia entry are going to look like. Yeah, yeah. Well, my Wikipedia page is locked and can only be changed by moderators. I'll have you know, Alice, the listenership of this podcast is 100% responsible. for that. I thought you're going to say the listenership of this podcast is 100% Wikipedia moderators. Apparently there aren't as many on there as we thought, but let's be honest, we all, I don't want to cast our minds too far back, but Madam Lily Gate and the ensuing carnage reeked on my Wikipedia page by the listenership of this podcast does mean that it's actually

quite difficult to change my Wikipedia page. As always, a section of this esteemed audio newspaper is going straight in the bin. This will. week we have a special biopics section reviewing all the latest biopics. So this after the controversy around Michael, the Michael Jackson biopic, the critics seem to suggest does not cover all aspects of the former pop star. And no-time world snooker champion. So we review the First Lady on Mars, which is a new biopic of Amelia Earhart, a bold, if revisionist retelling of the story of pioneering aviator.

which claims that the reason her missing pain was never found was that she flew it to Mars. The First Lady on Mars has been criticised like Michael for a lack of scientific accuracy, both in showing Amelia on the red planet without breathing apparatus, and for claiming that she was First Lady at the time, having secretly married Franklin Roosevelt. The director, Drellard But Clark, said, well, we did take some creative Wiggly Room with the historically acknowledged story of Amelia, but we wanted to tell the truest story of her spiritual adventure, which in many ways is more true than the actual true story.

Besides, what are facts? No one gives a flying fuck about facts anymore. And as for the actual flying f*** in itself, that's just to spice up the narrative of it. Starring Scorni Weaver as Airheart, Timothy Shalameh as Roosevelt, and Dwayne Rock Johnson as Big Bertie Brass Balls, King of the Martians.

We also review Ozzie and the Boss. You may well ask after seeing Ozzie and the boss, did Lee Harvey Oswald ever actually meet Bruce Springsteen, who would have been there? Only 14, of course, when Oswald allegedly died. Certainly it is, I think, an unconservatable fact to say that they did not win the men's doubles at Wimbledon in 1963. Hang on, let me just check out what I've got the wrong year for that.

God forbid the potato dauphinwares of bullshit is not historically accurate in the one point. you chose to decide to make it accurate. This is the first law of bullshit. Bullshit has to be accurate. Here it is, everybody. Fact-checking his own bullshit, the Andy Zoltzman story. That's the name of my controversial Andy Zoltzman biopic. Largely focused on his time editing the sports page of his university newspaper,

where he put several fake stories in. That's actually true. That is true. The Oxford versus Cambridge speed sculpture competition in 1995 is a classic. It's certainly true to say that Lee Harvey Oswald and Bruce Springsteen did not win the men's doubles at Wimbledon in 1963. It was Mexico's Asuna and Palafox who won against the French bear, Barclay and Darmon. And there is also no record of a fist fight.

or javelin throwing during the match. And finally, St. Peter Arab Slayer, tagline, the real story. The real story of the greatest U.S. Defense Secretary in the history of the universe. It tells the story of how Pete Hegsseth developed from his miraculous birth in a single shaft of sunshine in the middle of a hurricane that destroyed everything else within a thousand-mile radius via Jesus' own personal blessing from the cross into Donald Trump's human eminetry on earth and heroic commander of all recorded crusades. some disagreement in the historical community

over whether Hegesith did actually throw a nuke down Osama bin Laden's throat at the siege of Jerusalem in the year 1099, but it's a fucking great scene in a truly amazing story. Have you guys seen any other biopic you'd like to chuck into this section? Andy, I just have a very vivid vision of specifically your audience, your target audience, Andy. It's just a person with an encyclopedia in their hands,

but it's attached by an elastic to their wrist. So they're either checking you on facts or flinging it furiously across the room at the wall. That's what encyclopedias are for? I've actually had quite a series of unsuccessful meetings trying to get my Jeffrey Epstein biopic bear with me off the ground. And like the Michael biopic,

it doesn't dwell on the salacious details of his life, but rather focuses on his time as an options trader at Bayer Stearns in the late 1970s. Top story this week. The King has gone to America. King Charles has gone to America in an effort to retake the country after its disastrously unsuccessful 250 year experiment in going it alone. He's, tragically for him, had to spend some time with Donald Trump

in a meeting that will no doubt be dramatized in the future film, Chuckie and the Huckster. Nish, I know you're a massive fan of the Royal Family to the extent that you've had literally every single king and queen of England tattooed across your phenomenally ornate back in the form of a family tree. And this is, these are exciting. Obviously, you were sent to very much as the John the Baptist to Charles and Thirds Jesus, to go to America to prepare the ground for his arrival. Yeah, and like Jay the B, I've been, not received the credit I deserve.

Been absolutely Jay the B'd here, Andy. Yes, I went out there as part of the advanced card. The visit is timed to celebrate the 250th anniversary of American independence, which does seem like they're rubbing it in our face, Andy. Although I do like this idea of the King touring former British colonies. I'm very much looking forward to the King's visit to India next year to celebrate the 80th anniversary of Indian independence and going to Australia to check on how the stolen children.

generation are getting up to. This visit could not be come at a worse time for relations between Britain and America. Actually, that's not true. He could have come at a worse time, but that time would have been exactly 250 years ago. Or maybe when we actually physically set the White House on fire, we don't yet know if Charles is going to attempt that further. I mean, it's possible. I mean, why would he not? It's tradition. America, Trump loves tradition and it is a tradition for British people to set the White House on fire.

I mean, it's a tradition that's been dormant for a while but it needs to be brought back. Listen, also, if he did set the White House on fire, it would probably help Trump with his fucking ballroom plans. I suspect in Charles's welcome pack was a canister of kerosene and some matches. Yeah, so obviously, relations between our countries have not been this tense in a while, probably since they stole

John Oliver off us. But Charles is about, is going to address Congress, which is actually only the second time this has happened, the first time being his mother in 1991. And he's going to say that while the US and the UK have not agreed on everything, that's a pretty fucking big understatement. If I remember the musical Hamilton clearly. And also just the fact of the relative popularities of cricket and baseball. We've certainly not agreed on the best version of a small ball and hitty bat sport.

If he does not begin his speech with, it's good to see you guys coming round on Kings. It will be a lost opportunity. There is a sort of kind of my overwhelming feeling with this at this current time, this deep, lacerating historical irony of America having ditched the monarchy 250 years ago, finding itself with an ego-fueled autocrat

ruling largely by executive order, now being visited by an actual monarch whose power is limited to waving and having a fucking expensive fancy dress box. And what sort of conversations will they have? What are you allowed to do, Charles? I can release criminals from jails. I can start wars just because I want to

without even having to ask permission. I can make something into a law just by siding it in an oversized child mark a pen and I can send in the troops to my own cities to kill people and cause mayhem. What can you do? Oh, well, I get to give it a speech to read out in Parliament once a year that I can't even zing up with a gag or two, let alone use any intonation in my tone and voice. I occasionally get a go in a golden cart and I get free tickets to Wimbledon when I want them.

In terms of the choice America made 250 years ago, it's gone wrong. It's gone very, very badly wrong. Yeah, Trump is way up on number of nuclear weapons he controls. Look, Ed Owens, who's the royal historian, has said this is a huge global event where the king will have a chance to champion the traditional values of democracy, liberty, and freedom. I just feel like you know you're in trouble as the UK when you have to wheel out the king. Like the UK has spent the last couple of hundred years trying really hard to make the monarchy

vestigial in every sense. Does anyone even know what they were ever meant to do as a diplomatic function other than eat meat on the bone, bang serving girls and do arms deal with Saudi nations. He's basically the appendix of the state diplomatic apparatus. You're only used to noticing the function of kings when they go bad. I strongly believe the monarchy is and should be purely decorative, performative and symbolic. And so I would like to make a pitch that the king should arrive when the White House is hosting

the WWE wrestling, which they're intending to do. And then the king could stand up for democracy, liberty and freedom against a heel card called Zorro Man Downey, who has a twirly moustache and a suicide vest and his signature move is called the Socialist Slam. It's where he holds you down and then symbolically distributes your dick to each

according to his need. I'd watch that. Yeah, listen, we, as nations we have had disagreements, be it the Revolutionary War of Independence or the relative appeals of Garth Brooks and Robbie Williams in the pop charts. But this is a particularly fraught and tense time.

Obviously, in the last few weeks, there's been tension over the UK's involvement in Trump's war in Iran. He's derided the UK Prime Minister, Kirstama, as no Winston Churchill, though it's hard to know whether he was insulting him or he'd just forgotten his name. And we're saying, no, I don't think it's Winston Churchill,

but don't help me. And it has come to something that the current state of American democracy that we've sent to explain to them the values of democracy, our unelected monarch. Things have got really bad when a guy whose first name is king has to tell you about the importance

of allowing people to vote for things. And I guess in terms of an icebreaker because they're not going to meet on camera. So they are obviously meeting on camera, but they're not going to sit down and have a formal conversation that's filmed because there are British fears of a Zelensky-style clash

where Trump and J.D. Vant spent about 10 minutes berating Zelensky over his lack of gratitude towards the United States. So they won't be having a filmed interview, which is a real shame because it would be an absolute thrill to hear the small talk that those two men are engaging in. Because the problem with small talk is that, you know, you don't really know each other, you don't really know what you have in common with each other,

but obviously they do have one quite significant thing in common with each other. but I don't think Charles is going to say I think it's possible you might have run into my brother or at the very least my brother and you have a very close personal friend I mean another slight point of awkwardness and both men are on their best behaviour which for Charles is how he behaves all the time

because as monarchy has to behave the same way all the time so there is no best or worst behaviour and for Trump his best behaviour is trying to vaguely convincingly pretend he's not a complete fucking maniac for 15 minutes. So they're doing their best. So could Charles help bridge the gap between Britain and America, which over the past week has been made a little more awkward after reports emerged of America reviewing its position on British Sovereignty of the Falkland Islands,

the South Atlantic and Penguin infested archipelago, also claimed by Argentina that was subject of a war in 1982 that left almost a thousand people dead. And America is reportedly reviewing its view of the Falklands as punishment for Britain not doing America's bidding in its hit job and follow-up improv war against Iran. So it's awkward and it sort of shows the level of childish. I mean, if this is, it shows a lot about news, actually. I mean, for a start, this was reported by Reuters from a leaked internal Pentagon email and then re-reported by other news outlets saying this was punishment for Britain's failure to support America.

But also, if it's not true, everyone thinks it is true. And if it is true, it shows the below-childish level of international diplomacy that we have sunk to. Can I just pick you up on one point there, Andrew? Yes. King Charles has not always been on his best behaviour. If I may remember, if we include best behaviour to respecting your own marriage vows. I thought before he was kingnish That's true

The best of Prince's behaviour as anything If I may briefly Allude to one of the key elements of my childhood I,e. The Life and Death of Princess Diana, which is probably second to 9-11 in terms of significant events. And actually, in fact, both of them are second and third to the time Ross said I take the Rachel on Friends.

But yeah, I mean, listen, Charles and Trump, they both love a mistress. So that's something. Yeah, I guess, I guess. I mean, you've got to find these common ground. Yeah, I'm hopeful. I'm positive.

I think they go into a box. They are functionally Schroding as suss. They come out with a beautiful agreement for the future of the United States and the United Kingdom. United States together is one United States kingdom, the land of the brave when behind a laptop screen, and the home of the free subscription for the first month with a lifetime membership to the premium gold tier. of Western civilization, no shirt, no bootstraps, no service.

I salute the flag, that is to say, the false flag, operation. The flagging nations that they are. This all happened just a few days off the attack on the White House Correspondence dinner, which could have been a catastrophe, and like anything that could have been a catastrophe, was swiftly mutated by Trump into a grandstanding and bullshitting opportunity. in particular an opportunity to plug his white house ballroom whose construction is currently mired in certain planning issues relating to the US planning authorities attempting to prevent the man

with the worst aesthetic taste in American history from being able to build what he wants where he wants it is set to win numerous architecture prize I don't know if you've seen the plans for it but it's ostentatious kitsch magazine has listed it shortlisted it in a short list of one for building that looks most like what a child would design after eating 12 jumbo family-sized bags of sweets. Also been awarded the maximum 5 G's. Gordy, Goldy, garrish, grotesque and god-awful by terrible building monthly. And obviously it's much needed the ballroom. How are hard-pressed families across America going to be able to afford to feed and clothe their children if the White

House correspondence dinner isn't held actually in the White House once a year. It's just the latest I mean it's these stories are so within this is 2026 so outlandish conspiracy theories began sprouting

within seconds of the assailant being being apprehended after almost getting through what sounds like abysmary and adequate security measures one of the the dinner was then has been postponed

all that food gone to waste although unless the president himself curated the menu in which case all that waste gone to food It's a slightly odd time for the king to be going He has been assured of his Of his security

Um Nish what did you what did you make of this Well I mean listen Trump is a master at turning any crisis Into an opportunity for a stupid fucking building project It's basically his sort of modus operandi Throughout his life So immediately after it happened He claimed that the shooting wouldn't have been

Wouldn't have happened Had his ballroom been built And listen, the construction of the ballroom is already, at a time of major cost of living crisis for Americans, is already more Marie Antoinette than any of us are comfortable with. And the kind of aesthetic of a ballroom, as you've said, Andy, is very much Hussein chic. And he... I can let you put you up on the Marie Antoinette? Because didn't she say let them eat cake?

And Trump's ballroom is more let them watch us eating fucking. massive coats. You're right. At least Antoinette was offering them something. She was at least offering them a little cake. Trump's one of the few people that's looked at Marie Antoinette and thought, Jesus Christ, what an absolute wokeist. All of this is missing the central question here for me.

It's the correspondence dinner. It's given the state of modern media, who the fuck was at this dinner? There are like eight people who make a full-time living in traditional media right now. I'm just imagining half the people at the dinner ducking. out between courses to deliver some suburban families, their Thai takeaway, or, you know, I don't know, crochet some hairy balls for their side hustle on Etsy. I think the hero of the evening was the man who just kept eating his salad, of course. He was interviewed afterwards. He said he was a New Yorker. He's used to interesting things happening around him. He also said he had a bad

back and didn't want to lie down on the floor and then have to get back up again. And also that he was a germapobe and the floor look dirty. That man's name is Michael Glantz, and he's a senior talent agent at the creative artist agency, which represents a variety of performers from Joe Biden to me. I'm the military agents. Hey! I couldn't get on the floor. If I did get on the floor, they'd have to bring people in to get me off the floor.

And I'm a hygiene freak. There's no freaking way I was getting my new tucks on the dirty Hilton floor. It was not happening. And if I will say this, listen, I'm also something of a hygiene freak, but if the choice is a dirty floor or a bullet, I'm afraid to say, we're sending the tucks to the dry cleaners. That is absolutely unfathomable. I mean, there were other people whose behaviour drew a lot of scrutiny online.

As yet, at the time of recording an unidentified woman was caught on camera, taking two unopened bottles of champagne and wine from a table, whilst another woman at the same table, is taking a selfie of herself, clutching a separate bottle of champagne in the background. And I will also say, this was, for fans of the film Force Majure, this was an absolute golden moment of men in a crisis,

abandoning their wives. I don't know if you've seen RFK Jr., But the speed at which he ditches, Cheryl Hines, is absolutely incredible. The speed at which he leaves his wife in the dust is really astonishing. I've said a lot of things about RFK Jr. being incredibly unhealthy. Clearly, it turns out that when the chips are down, that man will speed away from his wife at an astonishing speed. And I also don't know if you've seen Stephen Miller. Listen, it doesn't not look like he's using his wife as a human shield.

That's all I'm saying about Stephen Miller. It doesn't not look like that. I can't prove that he was doing that, but it doesn't not look like that. He's also positioning his wife by moving her seemingly with her breast. Stephen Miller is really, there has been this idea that Stephen Miller really is the kind of ideological nerve center of the Trump administration. and he's really proved it in this moment because in a moment of crisis, he took control of a woman's body whilst groping her.

So really he is the kind of ideological nerve centre of the Trump administration. I saw that picture and I thought he was like gently sheltering his wife from the potential bullets. But I guess it depends. We don't know what orientation, the gunman. I think there's probably two ways to interpret it. There's no downside for RFK.

K. Jr. imagining his wife. Worst case scenario is she's roadkill and he can eat her later. The funniest thing to me about Trump's obsession with his ballroom, which he kept, you know, sort of bringing up and then all of the kind of big right-wing ex-accounts started posting pretty much in the same words that it was time to build the White House ballroom to keep the president safe. Like, there's clearly, you know, whatever it was, the deposits went to their account at the same time. The funniest thing to me about his obsession with his ballroom is how the party of like trad, douche, masculinity gurning, dick brod, gym-light pouch poses. It's such a traditionally girly thing to dream about a ballroom.

Like after dream wedding where I ride a unicorn and wear a big fluffy dress made out of marshmallows to the altar where I'll marry a two-dimensional cardboard cut out of a non-threatening but beautiful androgynous boy band member, building my own ballroom so I can throw Bridgeton-themed waltors and invite both Colin Firth and Matthew McFadden and make them kiss is second on the list. It's like, how is he? How is he rectifying this with his like masculinity culture guys? Oh, it's a weaponised ballroom guys.

We're buying a massive pair of knitted hairy balls from a local journalist, carabina onto the front bullbar of the ballroom. Yes, this ballroom has a ball bar. It's a ballroom for the boys. I do think there is some truth to that, Alice, because they are talking about that if the ballroom was built, there'd be sort of bulletproof glass everywhere. and like essentially a panic room

and you're like, what fucking ballroom have you been to in your life? Yeah, it goes ballroom, marble, gold, gun cabinet, energy drink fridge, podcasting studio,

ice swan, but plastic ice swan so we don't have to worry about it melting. The perfect crime. Oh, sorry, it's not a crime to build a ballroom. I assumed it was a crime

because Trump was doing it. Well, they haven't decided if it's a crime yet. It's still in the courts, I see. Oh, the laws don't conflict. Contemplate vigilante ballroom building by a head of state.

It's unprecedented. That makes sense. Good, good. Carry on. Gambling news now. And, well, I mean, humans, of course, as history shows, will gamble on pretty much anything. Always have done. Always will do. In fact, archaeologists and anthropologists have now claimed that most cave art was, in fact, bookmakers posting the odds in the latest bison fights. And the history of religion is, of course, basically one big bet that there is a god.

And as with gambling, there's been a lot of... dodgy stuff massaging the odds to get people to put bets on when there's no chance of winning. And we've had a lot of gambling-related stories in recent weeks on how gambling is now moving in sinister directions to people putting bets on wars, catastrophes, often with very, very strong suspicions of insider trading and advanced knowledge of what might be happening as bets on the Iran war would to strongly testify. An American soldier has been charged with a criminal offence

after winning $400,000 betting on the extraction of Nicholas Maduro from Venezuela, which is not something that I think without advanced knowledge you would necessarily have picked. And in France,

there are claims that people have been tampering with weather monitoring equipment to put bets on the on the temperature in France. I mean, are there any further depths in the gambling side of the human soul that can be a mind, Alice?

I mean, this is an... First of all, I blame Labibu Blind Boxes for this. Just the increasing gamplification of the world, the natural end point, training our youth on the dopamine spikes of risk and occasional reward until they feel up to trying the gamble of an intent. in a large multinational corporation or moving in with a significant other who's subscribed

to Andrew Tate, whatever it is, we're living in an increasingly risky and uncertain world, and I feel like this is the solution that people have come up with is laying bets on it, right? Because how bad can it be if you're betting against yourself, right? I just think, you know, if you can envision your life post-apocalypse and how much money you will have made betting on the arrival of the apocalypse and that's quite a good, that's quite a good outcome for everyone involved. Like it's an incredibly uncertain world. Odds are it's going to fuck you.

You might as well hedge is what I'm saying. Sure, they're laying off 120,000 jobs with you guessed what date they're replacing you with a fire breathing robot. you might make a couple of hundred dollars betting on your own incendiary immolation. And of course it's being misused. Of course it's like we've transformed coups and invasions and war powers into something between fantasy football and a hedge fund fever dream. Trump, when he was approached and asked about it, said,

it's only bad if he bet against his own team. So like, yeah, weaponize, weaponize everything, but just back yourself while doing it. It's the new self-help manual. I mean, and his son is on the, like, he's profiting for the businesses. His son's fingers are in more pies than Trump's fingers have been in teen Miss America pageant contestants. I'm sorry, that's disgusting. Family shit.

But it's just so, yeah, I don't know. The only thing that I'm disappointed is that they've decided that they've stopped polymarket betting on the nuclear apocalypse. Yeah. Which surely at least there's something that, you know, there's an element of mild unpredictability about it. It's not, you know, we just don't know exactly when it's going to happen. So, you know, a bit of a spread bet either way. Very difficult to see how they're going to pay out on those.

Well, except the book is always weird. One of the controversies of this story is that an Israeli Air Force Reserve is suspected of of having used the classified information to place bets relating to the war in Iran last year. And to that, I say, are there no heroes left? Someone in the Israeli military has been behaving unethically. This is a real shocker, guys. But the thing is, if you're in the Israeli army

or you're in the American army, the sort of notional leadership of that organisation lies with Benjamin Netanyahu and Donald Trump, two men who have only used their position in office to further enrich themselves. So, like, it's hard to know whether these people should face criminal charges or sort of be awarded the Purple Heart. Yeah. You know, this take, this take, if you're in countries run by Netanyahu and Trump,

who have an almost sexual thrill of the prospect of committing corruption, it's very difficult to lecture any of the soldiers in your army on basic morality. The lesson of both of those men is get in, get good while the going's good, and then get the fuck out before anyone starts to imprison you. I should also take this opportunity to declare that I have been betting on this bugle. Oh, right, okay. I've been betting on numbers of puns. I've been betting on the number of farts committed by certain head guests on the bugle,

and I am about to come up Trump's in this conversation. I don't want there to be any internal inquiries into what I knew when I placed a bet on whether or not Andy would open this bugle by hacking up half of his lungs. Just some sports news before we go. Chelsea have pre-sacked their next two managers.

After dispensing with Liam Resignia as their head coach, just three and a half months this week. The London-based football club have announced that they've already sacked their next two head coaches as well, the experienced German troubleshooter, Dieter Schnutterbeck,

and the highly rated young Portuguese coaching hotshot, Estaband Kapau, have been pre-fired. A club source said it wouldn't have worked out. They would have lost the dressing room, and the fans would have turned on them and they'd have been sacked within a year anyway, so we might as well just fucking get on with it.

We thanked Dieter and Estaband for the work they would have done for Chelsea Football Club, have they done any of it. Youth team coach Ernie Sniddles will now oversee the team for their next Premier League game, at least for the first 12 minutes, until they can see their unnecessary corner, at which point Kimberly from the club shot

will take over for the rest of the game. After she's sacked at the final whistle, the team will be interim managed until the end of the season by the late Ted Drake via the club's new AI Ouija board. Drake, of course, led Chelsea to their first league title in 1955. French legend Zinidin Zidane will then be unveiled as the new long-term manager,

but they'll have forgotten to ask him if he wanted to do it or told him anything about it, so he won't show up. So by then out of work, Kier Starma is then set to take over and lead the club on a money-spinning pre-season tour of the seventh circle of hell. Before an old waxwork of Jose Marino, stolen from Madam Two Swords, takes the reins for the start of the 26-27 Premier League campaign until that melts after being left on the team bus on a sunny day. And it's replaced by Nish Kumar. So Nish, what are you going to bring to Chelsea as a football franchise? I'm going to bring to Chelsea when I bought to all my jobs, Andrew, immediate sacking and collapse of the franchise. For non-football interested buglers,

Chelsea are essentially managed by a sort of investment group who have overheard someone describe the plot of Moneyball as summarised by an AI summariser. They've not really grasped any of the fundamentals of the game. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Thank you very much to all buglers who have come to my tour shows. There are just a few dates left this Friday in Keseek at the Theatre by the Lake,

Tuesday the 5th in Maidstone. And then concluding at Berry St Edmund's Theatre Royal on Saturday the 9th of May. So do come along. And thanks to everyone who has been so far. Nish, anything to plug? Yes. Thanks again to the buglers. it came to the shows in New York, LA and Austin.

I will now be taking that show on tour in the UK and Ireland. That goes from August in Edinburgh, and then the tour is September, October, November. I can't remember if it goes into December. That's information that's available to you on the internet, okay? Go to nishkimar.coma.com.com.com. Also, on the 12th of May, even as I say this, I understand this might be a massively unwise move.

But on the 12th of May, I am releasing on YouTube, my stand-up show, Nish Don't Kill My Vibe, which is the previous show that I toured all over the world, including the UK, America, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, all over the show. I'm doing that, that's being released. And at 7pm UK time, there is a YouTube release event where I am somehow going to be in a live chat,

live blogging the experience of watching my own stand-up show, which, as anyone who's ever had to do that, can attest, is a very specific form of Guantanamo-based style torture. Now, I'm throwing this open to the Bugle listenership to join that YouTube release event in full knowledge that I have sown the seeds of my own downfall. Like Stama appointing Mandelson as a US ambassador, I've created conditions for my own demise.

I imagine this podcast will, if I may quote a biopic I'm writing of the bugle podcast, flood the zone with bullshit. So yeah, that's 7pm on the 12th of May. There'll be information about how to access that on my website, nishkawr.coma.com.com.com.com.com.com. And on the various disgraced social media platforms that I've had all my ways on.

Alice? Sign up at my Patreon because I am currently trying to look good for some people. So you can subscribe for free and make my numbers look good. for my book advance, basically. But I'll be in Brisbane, 7th to the 10th of May. I'll be in Sydney, 16th and 17th of May. I will be in London. There'll be a live gargle on the 26th of June,

followed by a book signing. There's a bunch of gigs in London and around the UK and then in Edinburgh. So go over to alicephraiser.com. Or again, if you subscribe at the Patreon, you can do it for free. It's just like a mailing list. And you will know every week where I will be

and what is upcoming. I trust that more than the algorithms nowadays. Patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. Well, thank you for listening, buglers. We'll be back next week with Helen Zaltzman and Josie Long. Until then, goodbye. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman, as you may know. The bugle, as well as being the world's only ever,

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Exclusive subscriber-only content, including the almost monthly Ask Andy show, in which I, Andy, answer your questions, plus fresh hits of bugle merch. We just sent our premium subscribers a jigsaw with my face. on it. If that doesn't sell it, nothing will. I and my wonderful cohort of co-hosts will continue to blast the Bugle's trademark cocktail of satire, insight, puns, disinight and unashamed, high-grade drivel into your ears and all over the planet. Here's to another 18 and a half years minimum. To become a true hero, or just to join the voluntary subscription scheme, go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button.