The Bugle - The Last Post - Episode 1

Episode Date: January 1, 2020

Here's episode one of our new show 'The Last Post. Click here to receive future episodes in your feed: http://pod.link/TheLastPostIn this episode, Alice and global star Andy Zaltzman preview 2020.We co-produce this show with our friends at Somethin' Else. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hello, Bugleers, producer Chris here. Happy New Year.

You're about to listen to Episode 1 of The Bugle Presents, The Last Post. If you like it, please subscribe now in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and all the other great places. Episode 2 will appear in that feed the very next day. Yep, that's right, the very next day. And the day after that. And it's a daily show. The link is in the show notes. Click away and enjoy.

Muah, muah, muah. Sorry, sorry, nothing bad will happen. The bugle presents the last post with Alice Fraser. Hi posters and welcome to today's episode of the last post, the final word on this, the most final of worlds. This is January the 1st of the year, 2020 and my guest today is a regular contributor to this daily podcast until recently, nine times after losing television panel show and his Outsman's day in cricket and recovering from his time in the jungle on, I'm a celebrity get me a job, welcome back to the show and his Outsman. Well, it's great to be back and I'm just sorry that I didn't get the one job available in that show.

January the first is historic in a number of ways. Famously George the last Hawaiian tree snail of his kind died on the first of January in 2019. Because that must have been galling for him. Yeah very sad for him. Right. And in 1801 Ireland was how did he die? Old age. Right. What does snails die of anyway? I guess if you know your dying of old age, do you then hang on for January the first just to get that extra little stat on your headstone? Do you have a headstone to the side? You probably died of like a wild New Year's Eve party.

Just males have wild new, I should make you stay in. Yeah. MUSIC Today in history a number of events Ireland was added to Great Britain in 1801 on the 1st of January creating the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, exciting to know that will be winding up in 2020. The Emancipation Proclamation by President Abraham Lincoln freed slaves rebelling against the Union and 26 countries in 1942 signed the Declaration of the United Nations, good to know that will be winding up also in 2020.

It was also the first of January, the EEC, the common market was formed by Belgium, France, West Germany, Italy, Luxembourg, and the Netherlands. And in 1973, by Britain, Ireland, and Denmark, good to know that will be winding up in 2020. As ever, some headlines. In Italy, a glitch in the computer voting system has led to babies being given the vote, and the Wiggles have immediately been elected to power a privacy leak as a result of vote. They vote in Italy, the Wiggles.

They stand. They're not Italian, I think. Well, I think babies don't know. Right. And the Wiggles are franchise. So the babies, I mean, can you be born Italian as a baby, or you just baby? All baby. All Italian babies are very Italian. Right. But non-italian, oh, so you're born Italian as a baby or you just baby? All baby, all Italian babies are very Italian.

Right. But non- Italian, oh, so you're saying all babies are Italian until they are then trained otherwise? Yes, all babies are Italian, which is why they got such an overwhelming victory in Italian vote. Right, I guess also that would explain why babies are so over-emotional. Yeah, I mean, everyone's always been saying there's a

downside to letting babies use iPads. And apparently, it's that they can log into the voting system of Italy. Where we go? Privacy leak as a result of a the last decade in review app has led to everybody's sexy Facebook private messages being public on their feeds, boom, in the divorce industries anticipated.

A classified section now for sale 400,000 political butts want to change the discourse by this job lot of lightly used election butts and you can propagate your own wild theories to everyone on social media. Think not enough people have been exposed to the truth about the flat earth? Want to call 400,000 women whores or tell 400,000 men that everything wrong in the world is their personal fault. Programmer and batteries not included. How big is a bot?

Because I've been quite tempted to get some bots, and then I'll just think where will I put those enough shit in my houses it is. Well, you can, they're intangible, so you can just put them in your irons chest along with all your bitcoins. Giving away a full-sized blot, bouncy castle replica of Buckingham Palace, true to life, free or nearest offer, pick up only. For sale, fully organised honeymoon holiday for two, including flights and hotel rooms, no longer necessary, £1,000 or happy to butter for economy-sized pack of tissues.

New Year, new U, half-priced cloning, half the money twice the U, call 9969567 for details. And that's our classified section. The last post! The top story, what have we got in store for 2020 and do you have any predictions? Well, Alice, as you know, I'm a massive fan of facial recognition software. What makes me sure that I'm me when I wake up in the morning and switch my phone on. And it's, I think this year we're going to see finally, I mean some amazing developments, I think we're going to see the world's first fruit-free lemon. Just a big breakthrough for carnivores like me. What will it be made of if it's fruit-free? That we don't know. Just the liver of a polar bear

squeezed it into a martini. It's everything, nothing is on the table, nothing is off the table. Also, as a health advisory, please don't eat the liver of a polar bear will give you vitaminosis and you'll die right and a polar bear will be extremely angry more to the point there could be a revenge liver eating if you're not careful I think face recognition software I mean it's clearly improved enormously since people had to paint self portraits to unlock their own wardrobes or whatever it was back in the day. I think we're not far off from facial recognition itself, I've been able to read your expression and just replace it with an emoji automatically based on what you're looking like. That I see

happening in the first three months of this year and then later in the year I think it's going to get even better and we'll then be able to not only predict what expression you're about to make but also what words you will then say based on that expression. Then it will predict what the response of the other person involved in the conversation will be. Then it will predict what expression you will make in response to their response and then what were taught you would issue. Then how they would fire back at you in dispute, then how your frown would start getting deep in your voice angry as you counter their counter before they respond with some tangential ad hominem insult, and then you hit back with a stream of invective and the software will then be able to

automatically punch the other person in the face for you using the Assumpto Tech Auto-Dudgeonator RoboFish 3.1, all with a 0.08 seconds of that very first facial expression. That is a level of technology we're talking about. So we won't even need to get out of bed in the morning, we'll know what was going to happen anyway. Yeah, I mean, it's just accelerating the hostile confrontation process, which has been what most 21st century technology has been about. I feel like animals are going to unionise against humans. They'll be sick of our flapping around about the environment. They're going to unionise and demand rights. I think nothing

other than a full strike of all animals would lead us to reassess our behaviours towards them. Okay, well, turn it. That way, well, first I'm doing it. What's incidentally emoji is a Latin verb for,, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, which, with regard to that, I think in future, we're just going to have to reach a point where all voting age adults are legally obliged to post naked pictures of themselves once a year, as well as a publicly accessible sex to a hypothetical partner from a range of state-provided options. So we just get it all out in the open, and then we can stop worrying about things getting out in the open.

So, you know, just, you know, it's preemptive new depicts. I mean, I'm up for that 100%. Right. I think 2020 is also going to be the year of the election security beach. All elections will be hacked and we'll just accept that and people will vote for who they'd like to hack the election. Right. I mean, I like that actually because I do think democracy needs to be modernised and, you know, I mean, I I because clearly some covert government operations are better at hacking elections than others and you want it done well. If you know we've

basically decided that it's fine and we don't really mind. So might as well get the best to do. I mean there's another change I'd like to see around the world in 2020 and this might be just blind utopian optimism. But what I would really like to see is no one being able to vote in the elections of their own country, only people from outside that country being allowed to vote. So in the American election, they should take the vote away from all Americans and give it to everyone else in the world, because it clearly affects. Yeah, because we know what's better for them, better than they do. Well, I mean, we're more objective on it, I think, and also, you know, American foreign

policy impacts on the whole planet, as well as cultural empirism. So we should have for them better than they do. I mean, we're more objective on it, I think, and also, you know, American foreign policy impacts on the whole planet as well as cultural imperialism. So we should have a say in that. It seems anti-democratic. I keep banging on about how much they love democracy, anti-democratic for Americans to vote in their own elections, I would say. You know, if only people from EU member states have been able to vote in the Brexit referendum, rather than people from Britain, which is...

Do you think they'd have kept us? No, obviously not. Well, not if they were voting now, having seen how we behave for the last four years. So, we'll love the people, you can't argue with it. So, here's a little news story that has caught my fancy, and a new fertile landmass is apparently emerging off the coast of New Zealand, driven by undersea volcanoes. Are you sure it's not just New Zealand?

It's a third island of New Zealand. Oh, Zealand. What do you anticipate that doing to world politics? Well, I think it's going to save the world, basically. I mean, we're probably going to need to have a war for it, because that's generally what humanity has done when I was discovered. I'm kind of a landmass, I think. I'm sure you can't just do Scissor Paper Rock. Well, yes. I mean, let's go.

Let's aim a bit higher than scissor paper rock, or even scissor paper stone, as I like to think of it. Potato potato, Andy. But, you know, chess, the Cold War, we had Fisher against Spaskey, basically decided the Cold War, didn't it? In favor of America? Yeah, absolutely. I think that was a result. So, just go and adjust for who controls a new landmass. And, you know, I think this is when people criticize the international community

for not having environmental solutions other than hoping new landmass is emerged, but evidently, that has now worked. Yeah. There is now a new landmass and I'm New Zealand, basically. It's largely unoccupied as it is. Yes. I reckon it could take 250 odd million people. How big is this new landmass currently? I mean, it's still emerging somewhere, way yet to find out, but certainly as big as New Zealand itself.

Right. Well, that's pretty massive to do. I can't wait for Peter Jackson to put a movie on it. From my point of view, it just sounds like this is another country that within 15 years Well, that's pretty massive. I can't wait for Peter Jackson to put a movie on it. From my point of view, it just sounds like this is another country that within 15 years we beat England at cricket. So I'm not particularly happy about that. But I think just relying on new landmasses emerging

is probably the way forward for human. In terms of feeding the planet, in terms of space for people to live, then I mean, even new landmasses emerging are just a new, a new, next door neighbor planet, you know, maybe 50 miles away. So it's not, you don't need like a massive space or just like an entry level space rocket will get people there.

I'm gonna email Elon Musk and ask him to sort it out. Oh, sure, he's already on it, isn't he? Probably. So that is our episode for the first of January of the 2020, welcome to this year and I hope you tune in every day. Thank you so much for coming and results. I have to see you soon. Yeah, can I just plug my gallery opening? Yes, absolutely. Yeah, all the paintings that I did in the jungle, some of them are pretty

raw actually. Yeah, I mean I saw only a few of them. I didn't really watch the show, but certainly works of heartbreaking brilliance and honesty. And a stranger of the system. One of the reviews said. Like the cat's movie. The Last Post is a production of The Bugle with something else. Executive producer is Christopher D Skinner, and it is hosted by me, Alice Fraser. So there you have it. that's the last post. There's a new show every day. Please rate and review and tell your friends and live your life to the full.

Be the best you that you can be. Happy Christmas. Thanks.