The Bugle - The News: Raining Cats and Dogs

Episode Date: September 17, 2024

Are Americans eating cats and dogs, and do the British know what a fish looks like? It's another big news week. Andy is with Nish Kumar and Tom Ballard.The Bugle cannot exist without your support, please show it here: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateFeaturing:Andy ZaltzmanNish KumarTom BallardProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ah ah ah ah ah! The Bugle The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4315 of the Universe's official podcast of record, charting everything that has and more importantly hasn't happened in this messed up cosmos since the Big Bang. We missed the first 13 billion odd years but most that was pretty drab to be honest unless you were really into astrophysics. I'm Andy Zoltzman and I'm delighted to say well many things which is lucky because saying things has become quite fundamental to my career but I'm

particularly delighted to say that I'm joined here in London by two randomly selected representatives of A the Eurasian supercontinent, and B, everywhere else, respectively, Nish Kumar and Tom Ballard. Hello, both of you. Hello Andy, hello Tom, hello Bugles. Good to see you both. Hello Andy, hello Nish, hello Bugles. Bugles is a new one. That's all your Zoomer listeners. listeners either that or it's the bugle listeners that only listen for Zoltzman are actively annoyed by the constant carousel of non Zoltzman of which I count myself one indeed let's have asked more of you Andy Andy do you want to discuss a text message you sent me about a case of unfortunate case of mistaken identity so I was at the oval cricket ground during

the final test match of the summer and if you don't know what test match means you definitely have never listened to the people before. You are not a zoogler, you are not a zoogler my friend. You're a Googler, I only like the guests. For those of you new to it who don't know what a test match is, it is the greatest thing ever invented in the history of the universe, obviously. Fact check! Citation needed! Anyway, I was walking down the stairs between the press box and the ground, and this guy came up to me... Slow down with all these technical terms, Eddie. I don't know cricket very well. He said, you! You're Andy Kumar, aren't you? you, you're Andy Kumar, aren't you? I didn't know whether to be flattered, insulted, delighted, appalled.

I think you could feel all of those things. I think it's possible for you to feel all of those things. I absolutely am thrilled about this. I'm glad that Jewish people are now being folded into the ethnic minorities. British people can't tell apart. Welcome to the fold, brother. Have you ever, has anyone ever said you're an exaltzman, aren't you? I don't know, but I am interested,

and I suspect inevitably based on the listenership of this podcast we will start seeing some I imagine AI generated artwork of what Andy Coombe might look like. Some sort of tragic accident where you and I got trapped in the Jeff Goldblum machine from the fly and some sort of terrible hybrid of our two faces will probably be generated by one of the listeners of this show. Well having seen the AI generated image that Chris put together for our live tour earlier in the year which was one of the most scarring things. It's one of the worst things I've ever seen. It looked like Salvador Dali had had too much cheese before bed. It was horrific.

Well Elon fire up the grock. Let's see it. Tom, have you ever been mistakenly fused with someone else? No, I'm very famous and everyone knows exactly who I am. Oh, that's good. Actually, I just did a gig in Prague and the lady beforehand was like, Oh, I love what you said. You reminded me of Josh Thomas, who is my ex-boyfriend. And I was like, yeah, but like I'm funnier and better and stuff. We are recording on the 16th of September, 2024, on this day in the year 681. Well, it was a bad day for Pope Honorius I, who was excommunicated by the 6th Ecumenical

Council. What a council that was. Particularly disappointing given that he died 43 years previously. It's got to be about as disappointing a day you can have as a dead pope. There's a bit of a squabble over whether Christianity's founding pinup by Jesus Christ had one will or two. Do you have any particular opinion on that? You know, whether Jesus had one will or just a human one or a human and divine one. Rip the f***ing 7th century church to pieces.

For some reason when you're saying Jesus's will I'm not thinking about his inclination towards doing things and instead instead what like what he's left his assets is jet ski in his magic couple of tables some bottles of wine sandals cave fish recipe book tragically unopened how to uncrucify yourself book. If only he'd read it. It was a Christmas present. Yeah, we all get Christmas presents, books as Christmas presents. He got a double Christmas present of course. I know but it's horrible when your birthday's on Christmas. It all just gets swallowed up in the wider festivities. Him and former England cricket captain

Alistair Cook, both associated with bits of wood. But look. Associated with wood! What a summary of the Son of God! What an incredible description of Jesus' crucifixion. The man will forever be associated with wood. What shall I call him, the Son of God? Yeah, still England's leading runscoring. How has this show held on to its North American listeners? It is beyond belief for me.

The number of North Americans that this podcast has held on to is beyond belief given what you've just done there is made an Alistair Cook Jesus joke. The Ziegler's are loving it, man. I think my career is now complete. Good, right, so on the, let's move on, the 18th of September, so that'll be Wednesday by the time you listen to this, in 1618 the 12th Bakhtun in the Mesoamerican long count calendar begins. A bakhtun is like a year but it lasts for 394.26 of our regular years and I'm quite in favor of that. For a start you can fit more sport into a season but also for those you know if you have a tendency to procrastinate and think I'll

do it next year you're really only buying yourself a few months but if you say I'll do it next Bakhtun you're pretty much off the hook. Yeah you're really committing to a Hindu conception Hindu and Buddhist conception of reincarnation yeah you're like I'll get this done at some point within the next seven to twelve lifetimes. I'm gonna do my taxes of the past three Bakhtuns. As always a section of The Bugle is going straight in the bin. This week we have a special Vincent van Gogh section. The new van Gogh exhibition is open here in London with a collection of works by the late Bunch of Flowers obsessive, the windy-feel snoopster and even numbered

facial feature sceptic. Double VG as he was known sadly passed away in July 1890 so he can't be with us today to talk us through his new show. We instead look at some of the lost paintings of Van Gogh that didn't make it into the London exhibition including Miffy the Rabbit which could have given him the commercial success that eluded him in life. Aftermath, interesting painting showing Father Christmas having crashed his sleigh into a church steeple on a starry night. Viewed by many as Van Gogh's most graphic painting and one of the most visceral depictions

of a high-speed impact injury on a reindeer ever committed to canvas, and of course his most famous lost painting, Pet Dog Being Eaten by an Immigrant. Not sure where that's got to, rumoured to be somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic. It was a sequel to that picture of them all playing poker wasn't it? That's what happens when you get involved in gambling. Of course if you're a Vincent van Goff super fan and want to make sure that he beats all the other impressionists we've got a special feature for you this week which is how to slag off famous impressionists in one disparaging phrase. And we're going to start with five of Van Gogh's top rivals to be best impressionists ever. Claude Monet, whoopee f***ing doop mate, a f***ing pond.

Edouard Manet. Hold on, we really, Chris, can we add some air horn effects to this? This results in a going full roast comic. It's a matter of time before I embrace comedy's lowest form. It's the ultimate roast battle. Zoltzman versus the impressionists. Let's get Jeff Ross down here. Edouard Manet, maybe if you just ordered your fucking drink instead of standing there painting, the barmaid might not look so f***ing bored. Ahhhhhhh!

Waa-wa-wa-wa-wa-waaah! Ro-ro-roasted! You'll never recover. Paul says, Ann, give your glasses a wipe, mate. You might see a special f***ing mountain a bit more clearly. Oh, Paul Goga, that's just a bit weird, mate. You could have offered her a shirt. Ann, George Shura, Sunday afternoons are for watching football mate in the pub not flouncing around in the pub. Pointy brush done Bella Fretiches. Tick tick boom. We'll teach you how to belittle the great Renaissance masters. Well Michelangelo

has pulled my finger gags go, you put in too much effort. There you go, Vincent van Gogh section in the bin. Top story this week, America is still arguing with itself. Well, we're going to lead with the presidential debates which happened last week. Since the debates, Donald Trump has evaded another assassination scare, which, you know, I'm not in favour of assassinations. I'm just going to lay that card on the table. Wow. Zoltman is not afraid to go there. Yeah. History suggests assassinations don't tend to make things better.

And look, whilst I do not want Trump to be president again, and ideally I don't want him to have been president before either, but that ship has sailed, it's sailed its iceberg and it's sunk. I also, I don't want him dead. I don't think that's a good thing to want. I do want him out of public life, but through one of the following preferable methods. A, the US justice system. Likelihood relatively low. B. Alien abduction. Likelihood slightly higher. I think we can all get on board with that. C. Was it C? Was it C? I think it was C.

One, two and C. Outright rejection by the US voting public. Likelihood low to medium. Although it does seem a bit of a lot for a third consecutive popular vote loss but first two didn't seem to quite send the message through. D distracted by something I think he could be easily distracted by a good computer game. I'm not sure he has the motor skills. E he just gets stuck in a permatantrum where it, where he's one of his furies becomes like a vortex of self-perpetuating inescapability. I think that's probably our most likely option. Or F, trapped in a sauna at Mar-a-Lago by a hologram of a giant shark.

So that's how I want Trump removed from public life. Listen, I've come here with one specific agenda and that agenda is to not get tenacious deed. My whole agenda here is to be, my whole objective for this bugle is to not be tenacious deed. If I get out of this without being disowned by Jack Black, I will feel absolutely thrilled with myself.

It is a situation that's still unfolding. The headlines, as we understand it at the moment, is that a man has been taken into custody, been arrested because he was found with an AK-47 style assault rifle and was near a golf course that Donald Trump was on. And the FBI are investigating what appears to be an attempted assassination

Of the former president in extract from the UK's Guardian newspaper reads as follows the suspects demeanor I would describe as having a relatively calm flat effect sheriff reported. He was not displaying a lot of emotions He never asked what is this about now to be clear The suspect has been found in his car with a gun and a whole load of GoPro cameras. And that is a very difficult situation to wriggle your way out of. I'm not surprised you had a carbon flat demeanor. It's very hard to not be pulled over with GoPro cameras,

a gun, and go, you know what, fair enough. What is this in regards to, please? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And there's been obviously an outpouring of concern from current President Joe Biden and Trump's opposition, Kamala Harris. And, you know, their responses, regardless of what you feel about those political figures, do show what leadership looks like in moments like this.

Your political opponent is a victim of violence or attempted violence, you lead with a kind of dignity. And it's a lesson that actually would be well learned by Donald Trump, who when Nancy Pelosi's husband was attacked by a man with a hammer, said this, we'll stand up to crazy Nancy Pelosi who ruined San Francisco. How's her husband doing?

Anybody know? He said to a raucous crowd of California Republicans at a state party convention, and she's against building a wall at our border even though she has a wall around her house, which obviously didn't do a very good job. So when Trump is a victim of political violence, everyone is incumbent on all of us to behave responsibly. When his opponents are the victims of political violence, it is very, very funny. What's better than a single standard? A double standard. I will

not be tenacious Deed. I have skirted through that very carefully. I will not be tenacious deed I have skirted through that very carefully I will not be tenacious deed you've done very well I'm a little bit torn like you guys I don't like political violence I am in favor of violence against people playing golf I think anyone participating in that sport should take the risks and fuck them all that's my general vibe but yeah the statements of course we got the classic from Kamala Harris, writing on X she said, I'm glad that her rival is safe,

after gunshots were heard in his vicinity, but she wrote that this is unacceptable, violence has no place in America. Now, I know it's a nice thing to say, but let's give violence its credit, it's earned its place in America, it's had a really good run, it's been there from the start, it's earned its place in America. It's had a really good run, it's been there from the start,

it's been there the whole time. Let's recognise the place of violence in America. Please Andy, please! Yeah, based on my recent viewing of the film The Killers of the Flower Moon, violence has had a pretty... Violence should actually be represented somehow on Mount Rushmore. Feels like next to the presidential heads there should also be a somehow on Mount Rushmore. It feels like next to the presidential heads,

there should also be a huge bazooka. So this came days after the debate, the vice president, Kamala Harris, against the pussy grabbing convicted sex offender Donald Trump, the Veep versus the Creep. Classic contest. Nish, I know you're a huge fan of presidential debates and you've participated in many yourself. What did you make of it? Yeah, I mean that's not as far away from reality as I would enjoy. Whilst I haven't participated in any presidential debates, I was the president of my school's debating society in a move

that essentially, I should just count on the middleman and just say I did not lose my virginity until I was 20. Like why let's just cut out the middleman you don't need any of that backstory let's just let's just cut to the quick of it and say that admit that I used to do school debates whilst wearing my favorite tie which had all of the Beatles on it. Oh could not give this away That kid is going to be wanking until his teens are over. Yes, the debate was quite the spectacle. It's probably important to acknowledge one of the key headline stories to come out of this is Donald Trump repeating a baseless claim, which

they do keep using that phrase in the news, a baseless claim which they do keep using that phrase in the news a baseless claim I think there's a different B&S that could be applied here. At what point are we allowing news organizations to use the phrase bullshit? This news organization and it is a news organization for any of you listeners laughing at that phrase at home, this news organization has been happy to call bullshit when bullshit must be called. the the baseless brackets bullshit claim is that Which is we cannot stress this enough total bullshit that Haitian immigrants are eating pet eating pets in Springfield, Ohio Trump repeated this at the debate

Will this matter almost certainly not At this point the Republican Party and Donald Trump is essentially a Christian white supremacist death cult. And so it feels a little bit like screaming at a child, why can't you help me with my emotional problems? There is literally no point in demanding sense or order from a group of people that seem to have quite a lot of problems with Saudi Arabia but when it really boils down to it all they have a problem with Saudi Arabia is that they're Muslims. That's really it. The hostility to places like Iran is completely based on the fact that they would be happy with everything in those countries apart from the brown people and Islam. But yes, so he did repeat these claims. Which to be fair would be true if

they'd actually happened. It needs to provide a bit of balance. I think it's really important to provide a lot of balance here and say if these things had happened then they would absolutely be true. As things stand though it's absolute it's it's not it's absolute horseshit in Tuesday's debate Trump also referenced viral claims that a Venezuelan gang had taken over an apartment complex in Colorado again also total horseshit so at this point in Trump the sort of cycle of Trump's presidency he did absolutely embarrass himself on the debate stage. Again, whatever people's reservations about Kamala Harris, she was a woman who spoke in complete

sentences and seemed to have a grasp of how things work. And Trump stood up there and essentially looked like he was sort of in the middle of the world's worst acid trip. And, you know, he seemed he sort of seemed to be, you know, standing up there sort of hallucinate like it's like what sort of dark period in John Lennon's life. We're sort of hallucinating people eating cats and Venezuelans taking over apartment complexes. It was sort of it was it was truly like stock footage from the 1960s from the US military's earliest experimentations with LSD.

He was writing number nine or whatever that's what it was. They're eating dogs, number nine. But it's sort of incredibly, absolutely incredibly, it has done nothing to dent Trump's ratings, nor has it done anything to dent the opinion of the Pope who weighed in on the US presidential election by saying that both US presidential candidates were against life and advised people to choose the lesser of two evils. This is the exact quote, he said not voting is ugly, it is not good you must vote, you must choose the lesser evil. Who is the lesser evil? That lady or that gentleman? I don't know. Everyone in conscience has to think and do this.

And his logic on them being as bad as each other is that Trump expelling migrants is an ugly thing, but also the Democrats' policy of allowing women to have abortions is an assassination because there is life there. That is the direct words of the Pope. And what I would say is I imagine a lot of you are listening to this and smashing whatever device

it is that you listen to this podcast on. What I would remind you is, you have to take the Pope's opinion seriously. If there is one thing the head of the Catholic Church knows, it's evil. If there is one thing that guy is an absolute f***ing expert in, it's pure evil. The man essentially runs an international paedophile ring. Well, yes, but it's all... picking the lesser evil and unless you've explored what the greatest possible evil is, you don't have a scale for judging what, and it might take time but patience as the Bible teaches is a virtue.

Where does the Bible say the stuff about being ok to be a pedo? It's in the back. You've got to look, it's like an index thing. It's like a choose your own adventure code thing. Is it the book of Andrew? Yeah, so the Pope, unsure if Trump or Harris is worse. I mean one in favour of women having bodily autonomy the other believes in forced deportations of people based on fictional meals. Make a f***ing choice. He doesn't know either way. Finding out who's evil, that is your entire f***ing job. You can't sit on the fence when you're on evil, when you're the f***ing pope. You know when it comes to Satan being involved in something you can't just hang out in the sensible centre. F***ing thing. Is Donald Trump evil? I don't know. Is the Pope Catholic?

Well, I guess, you know, if you believe that abortion is wrong, then clearly they're both wrong. So, I mean, it's like, you know, when you have to make a choice, should I eat a Donner kebab or should I swallow a nuclear warhead and then go on an unlicensed rollercoaster? I know they're both bad for me therefore they're equal. That's... is that not the logic? Also Trump, I mean Trump is I think you could scientifically prove Donald Trump to be the least Christian man in history. Certainly I think he'd be a quarter-finalist and I would love to see him in a worst Christian ever quarter final showdown against the Pope's papal predecessor, Pope John XII, who we've discussed on various bugles

over the years. But I think that could be one of the all time classics, John XII, who I think burnt down an entire village, was accused of conducting devil worshiping, which ended up being beaten to death by Jellas husband which is not your classic popey behavior. The most uncushioned men. Pope the 12th, John the 12th, Donald Trump, Andy's ultimate. These are the three.

I'll take him on. I'll take him on. He's as bad a Christian as he is a Jew and I cannot stress that enough. So in terms of the debate, Tom, did you... I loved it, man. I thought it was a really insightful, illuminating, respectful and spirited exchange of ideas between two qualified, honest and articulate candidates. And it made me feel great about the future of America and the world. Now just for full context, I have recently been kicked in the head by a shy horse.

And the doctors say I may have completely lost all my critical faculties and the ability to accurately interpret the world. Now just for full context, I have recently been kicked in the head by a shy horse and the doctors say I may have completely lost all my critical faculties and the ability to accurately interpret the world around me. But I honestly think that has nothing to do with the fact that I happen to find this 90 minutes of senseless, godless drivel between these two vacuous, power hungry demons to be absolutely top shelf and I'd like to sincerely congratulate everyone involved. Now please excuse me, I have to go lick a table. I loved how it started. The ABC News moderator, Lindsay Davis, began the evening by saying, Good evening, we are looking forward to a spirited and thoughtful debate. Which is kind of like saying,

Wow, it's great to be here at the Dr. Hadamard Lecter buffet restaurant. I can't wait for my ethically sourced vegetarian meal. It's as redundant as when I say exactly that before I take a full shit I Thought cover was like amazing man. I mean, I think she this great thing where for the whole debate She wasn't 81 years old and I thought that was really clever from her not even once Did she look like a dementia riddled with Methuselah in a supermarket? Talking about beating Medicare and shitting her pants?

And I think that was a really subtle but effective way to differentiate herself from Joe Biden. I mean it seems that she was viewed as having won the debate in the terminology people like to oversimplify debates with. But some swing voters still understand there'll be a little concern that they don't know enough about Kamala Harris. Maybe they're worried about her record of changing her views on issues and think maybe they're unsettled by her vagueness in some policy areas. So still considering the safer option of voting for a crooked sex pest and insurrectionist who's been assaulting the foundations of American democracy for the last eight years and who changes his mind on everything and is beyond vague on politics.

But it's all about, you know, that comfort blanket of familiar destruction that we like to cling to in democracy. A comfort blanket of familiar destruction was your wrestling blanket. That was the deal, yes. I have a real issue with swing voters. Given the current status quo in American politics, whenever I see a swing voter, I think, and this is maybe a flaw on my part, but every time I see someone introduced as a swing voter, I either think you're just looking for attention or B, you just want a tax cut and you don't care about the racism. I think if you're a swing voter, we should have to see your tax records next to you because

I think a lot of these swing voters might be making an amount of money that might be taxed at a higher level under a democratic presidency. Trump also claimed at one point that some babies were being executed after birth. Now again are we expanding the definition of abortion to include all murders? It makes absolutely no sense. One of the ABC moderators had to interrupt him to fact check saying, there is no state in this country where it's legal to kill a baby after it's born. And I think if I was that moderator,

at that point I would have self-immolated. I think if you find yourself as a qualified journalist having to say that out loud, the only next logical step is to pour petrol on yourself and set yourself on fire. Like, I really, like, we're so far, we've crossed the Rubicon so far into a land of unsalvageable stupidity. I should say, again, fact checking, post-birth abortion is legal via the tried and tested means of a death penalty and almost total absence of gun control laws. But other than that... That's a really good point.

And I'm glad you're here, Eddie. Don't let us do it count. But it's a bit odd, isn't it, that Republicans seem so much more concerned about made up stories of people's pets being eaten by people from outside America than actual stories of people's children being shot dead by people from inside America. But it's America. Who are we to judge? So Republicans have, well, didn't so much double down as sort of octuple down. JD Vance has also lied about a child from Springfield being murdered

by Haitian immigrants, despite being corrected by the father of the dead child. Trump threatened mass deportations from Springfield, Ohio, where we should say again, for the purposes of facts an estimated 96% of fictional pets have been eaten in the past week and JD Vance also falsely claimed that no one has spread false claims which I think that's you know mathematically that's a minus times a minus is a lie times a lie equals a fact but JD Vance Andy as those of us who know little about his backstory, is a man of contrast. He's obviously a man who was born into extreme poverty, which he wrote about in Hillbilly Elegy. He's also a person who has supported a party that has not necessarily been, shall

we say, has been poverty-skeptic, I think is the correct way to put it. So he's clearly a man of contrast. So in the same week that he said that he wasn't lying, he also said that he was willing to create stories. So JD Bax is a man of contrast. Isn't that what we're all doing, guys? Are we all creating stories in our own way? Are we not all, do we not all contain multitudes? Are we not all, are we not all,

Andy is a Jewish man who eats a herculean amount of pork. Do we not all contain multitudes? Do we not all contain multitudes? Do we not all contain multitudes? I'm an Asian man, but my name is also Nick Cooper. Do we not all contain multitudes? He said, he told CNN that he was willing to create stories so that the media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people. He was asked, and the way that he was trapped into this by the CNN host Ada Bash was by asking if the false rumors centering on Springfield Ohio were a story that you created to which Vance replied, yes. Now I'm

afraid that Vance Bash is not going to be the hit that Frost Nixon was because you didn't really have to trap him so much as he just wandered straight into a trap with a sign on his neck saying, please trap me. Very short movie. Yeah, it's a very short movie. And so he said that he's willing to create stories and that the media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people.

What I would say, JD Vance, is two can play at that game. And I'm afraid if you're talking about bullshit, you have come up in this podcast against the Roger Federer threading. So in the spirit of JD Vance creating stories so that the media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people and that for a lot of us, the suffering of the American people appears to have been vested on it by the Republican Party over the last, oh, I don't know, about 25 years. We would also be in the spirit of creating stories about the Republican Party. So I would like to exclusively reveal on this podcast that JD Vance f***s dogs.

He f***s dogs 24-7. If he's awake, he's f***ing dogs. And once he's done f***ing the dog, he uses a copy of the US Constitution as a cum rag. Well, I should say that only happened because the dog was on the sofa. He f***s the dog because he thought it was a sofa. And then he used to copy the US Constitution as a cum rag. Family show. I mean I'd heard.

But he once waltzed into an old people's home dressed as the Grim Reaper swinging a live rhinoceros cub around his head singing Don't Forget Me When You're Dead in the style of Willie Nelson before hurling the animal through a plate-gross window, urinating into a plant pot, stripping down to a leather jockstrap and giving himself a lap dance. I had that too actually. And with the smoke, the fire. So America, you've got to ask yourself, is this the kind of man you want as your Vice President? I love Trump's response by the way, like yeah it was about the eating thing was Haitian immigrants in Springfield apparently. After the debate Trump declared, I can say this, we will do large deportations from Springfield Ohio large deportations

we're gonna get these people out we're bringing them back to Venezuela now this is this is a bold new policy from Trump okay if elected he's gonna deport Haitian migrants to Venezuela okay Trump now wants the US to operate a kind of mystery flight immigration system they're not even getting deported they're just getting ported now. He's turned, go back to where you came from to just go, all right? He's just like Haiti, Venezuela, it's all foreign. It's all non-America. Tom, I think what you're saying is a very lucid point, expressed very funnily. Sadly, Andy and I are not able to join in this fun because until about a year ago, it was the

official policy of our government to deport all migrants to Rwanda. So I'm afraid that Andrew and I are currently stood in a glass house with stones primed for the throwing but respectfully declining to throw them. Whereas I'm Australian and we have a perfect policy. In terms of bold policies Trump has also Threatened to enrage arguably the most radicalized group of people in the entire world Taylor Swift fan Because he's he's posted on he's posted today that the simple phrase. I hate Taylor Swift dangerous move On the plus side he did post on truth social. So so actually there's almost no way of us hearing it happen. Another double negative there.

But this raises an interesting question, because Taylor Swift officially endorsed Kamala Harris. It does raise the question, if a new story in the year 2024 does not involve Taylor Swift, did it actually happen? So the US election is now definitely a thing after Swift got involved, the-ward-winning songsmith publicly backing Harris in a social media post in which she was photographed alongside one of America's few remaining uneaten cats. I mean could this prove crucial because of course I mean who can forget I think was in the 1987 election here when Kajagoogoo came out for the Tories and that just swung it decisively. Is that an actual musical band?

Again, once again we are talking a lot of shit about America from a country with fully shitted pants. Kajagoogoo is a real pop act that were very successful in the 1980s. I'm not sure they did definitely endorse the Tories Chris is shaking his head Listen guys, we're creating stories. It sounds like a racist name. Jamie Vance would make up I mean Taylor Swift is such a successful musical artist that her concerts have a genuine inflationary impact on the regions that she performs in. So, I mean, there's no reason to sort of suspect that this won't have some kind of impact. The only thing that I would say is, and again, there's so much talk about the American election and how this is a decisive election but I think it's really incredibly important that we remember that most Americans don't vote for the Republican party. Yes. The Democrats have won the popular vote in all of the elections in the 21st century apart from 2004 and if that story is not correct it's just one I've created to draw attention to.

But I believe that is correct that they've only won the popular vote once in 2004. And at this point America's democratic system has been so corrupted and hacked by the Republican Party that if America were not America, America would be contemplating invading itself in order to spread free and fair democracy within the country. And the entire process has been corrupted through years of gerrymandering by a Republican party that understands its electoral days are numbered without heavy assistance. They compromise the integrity of the Supreme Court. The only way we can move through this crisis and get America, the government, that it keeps on voting for,

is to get Taylor Swift into the Supreme Court. Yes! Get Tay-Tay on the Sucrow. The Sucrow. The Sucor. On the cat story, it was described as a piece of garbage that's simply not true, that there's no evidence of it at all. That was from the governor of Ohio, Mike DeWine, who is a Republican. So, strange times. Well in other American news as we actually move it slightly across the Atlantic,

Keir Starmer, the de facto king of the United Kingdom, has been visiting the USA, Starmer in the USA, slightly more exciting and realistic than Emily in Paris, but maybe only very slightly. This was for talks about the Ukraine situation. At the same time, Britain has found itself embroiled in a tit-for-tat spy squabble with Russia. Russia revoked the accreditation of six British diplomats, whom it's accused of spying. And you know how it goes, one day you're

revoking someone's accreditation and the next it's like tactical nuclear strikes all over the place. That seems to be the way the Daily Telegraph has interpreted it, wondering about what will happen in the event of a nuclear war. Anyway, it's a logical, it's a bit of a logical jump but that's the world we live in. And also, tit for tat, spy squabbles with Russia. That is a piece of 80s nostalgia that I can get behind. Electropop mullets, wildly uncontrolled, free market economics, I'm not so keen on. A childish tit for tat, spy squabbles, that makes me feel

young again. England need to get substantially worse at test cricket, and it needs you to feel really like you're back in the 1980s. And I guess for me to return to the 1980s I would have to drastically reduce my vocabulary and start shitting my pants again. And one of those two things is down. I guess it means return to unproblematic Michael Jackson. That's kind of good. Yeah. Yes, problematic-ish Michael Jackson.

I think to go back to fully unproblematic Michael Jackson, we go back to off the wall. With Jackson 5? Okay, alright, fair enough. Look, I don't know if these British diplomats were spying on the Russians, but I'm confident in saying they definitely were. All diplomats are spies. Why else go to other countries? What, you think countries send people to your country just to hang out and chill? Don't be so arrogant, British government. You're not that fun to hang out with, okay? They're there for the intel. Send them back, send them back.

They send back some of ours, we send back some of theirs. It's fun. A spokesperson for the UK's Foreign Office said the accusations made today by the FSB against our staff are completely baseless. But also said we are unapologetic about protecting our national interests. Which is not the full denial. I've got to say, if you're interested in protecting national interests, you're probably admitting they were spies. They were spies.

We were just trying to make sure Vladimir Putin wasn't trying to slip nuclear poisoning into sushi, like he did to someone in London famously. But what's the big brouhaha about at the moment the sort of diplomatic debate is around whether or not Ukraine should be able to use long-range missiles and send them into Russian territory, right? Is that what Stammer and Mr. Barton are talking about? Yes, it was described as escalating tensions in the region, good those tensions escalated a little bit of a euphemism yeah it was about five minutes when those tensions were escalated with Gorbachev was in a pizza but either side of Gorbachev at the Pizza Hut advert

they've been pretty tense the whole time the long-range missiles are called the storm shadow missiles and Storm Shadow is my favorite Marvel character. He's part of the NATO Avengers who always fight for truth and justice and human rights in international rules-based order, provided it serves their geopolitical strategic interests and in no way challenges their germany and flourishing of global capitalism. Yay! My favorite thing about this was that an FSB, one of the Russian Secret Service employees

told a news agency in Russia that the English did not take our hints about the need to stop this practice, so we decided to expel these things to begin with. What I would say is, when it comes to warning people about spying, hints are not sufficient. We're all trying to negotiate in our relationships a language of communication But I think at a certain point you have to be an adult and ask for what? Don't just sub tweet other country. Don't leave a passive aggressive note on the fridge. I Guess I'll be taking the bins out again tonight It's something my partner said to me yesterday

British people struggling to name fish news now and you don't normally You fucking idiot! You've slightly given the game away there. Long British people carapemafish news. In that section of the paper. We live in an atomised world, you've got to make sure people know exactly what they're going to get. That's like calling the Sixth Sense that one where Bruce Willis is dead. What? A reporter showed that despite being, well, the nation that traditionally rules the waves and therefore owns all fish, British people can no longer tell the difference between different types of fish, can struggle to name common fish and many have only eaten fish

battered or in breadcrumbs. 12% of people in the poll thought that John Dory was a famous poet. Well maybe he might be, you don't know. Well yes, but interestingly 17% thought that Philip Larkin was a fish as well. But I mean what does this tell us about, you know we are pretty much a fish-based nation historically Nish, what does this show about what we've become that we can no longer tell the difference between a shark and a goldfish? Well I'll tell you what, it definitely makes Finding Nemo and Jaws much more confusing

films. But I would also say it does concern me as a British person because I also eat a tremendous amount of fish. It's a big part of the cuisine of the part of India that my family comes from, Kerala, very very famous for its fish curries. And I've got to be honest with you, I would not be able to identify which fish was which. I'm gonna be completely frank with you. I saw a picture of a tuna the other day and it seemed to be the size of a bear and that was not what I was expecting. So I feel that I may be accused rightly of hypocrisy if I waited too hard on this.

I can spot a fish when it is prepared in coconut milk and spices. I can definitely tell the difference between a standard carrot and fish curry and a more stew based curry. I can definitely tell you the difference between those twool of fish curry and a more stew based curry I can definitely tell you the difference between those two. Okay, you just can identify it as fish. Yeah, like that's fish right there That is fish. I'm eating fish right now. I think it's a fish

Yummy fish what kind of fish fish fish? I definitely if push came to shove could only confidently identify Nemo and Jaws I'm saying I can't judge. I don't know any fish names. I've been really caught Jules. I'm saying I can't judge I don't know any fish names I've been really caught out here. I should have prepared you know I barracuda looks them up but I um I thought we had more time I thought we were recording this on Barra Tuesday it was actually barramundi. Barramundi is a delicious fish oh my god my grandmother made a fish curry with a barramundi in Sydney in 2001 that I still think about to this day. It was extraordinary.

Sorry, carry on with this horseshit. No, I just, I don't want to carp on about it, but I'm, hell of it. I'm sure I could remember some fish names if I thought about it. Of that I have no trout. And just give me a minnow, I'll perch right here, close the dory so I can concentrate

and I'll cobbler something up. To be honest, knowing lots about fish has always been a dream of mine. Ever since I was a teenager, sitting in music class, trying to play the bass and... You know, I can hardly hold a tuna, to be honest. Holy mackerel, I think that hair rings a bell, that's all I got. That was incredible. To be in the presence of that was astonishing. Yeah, I mean, to an extent it's a free hit because he knows I can't possibly criticise him.

I couldn't possibly say I hate every minute of that. Oh my god! That was incredible. It was like watching someone do a cover of Yesterday in front of Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney. That was like watching a less awkward version of Tom Hiddleston doing the Robert De Niro impression to Robert De Niro. If you haven't seen that and are looking to spoil your own afternoon, it's something I would give a go to. Still pretty awkward. Well we'll have more fish facts to help our British listeners understand a bit more about

fish. We have a few fish facts. Fact one, a fish is like an armchair, but you can't sit on it, it moves about and it wouldn't necessarily be that comfortable anyway and it's underwater instead of in the living room. Therefore if you see a fish in a river, it's not necessarily a piece of discarded furniture. It's probably a fish. Fish. Don't bring that up, JD Vans or something. Fish, despite the name, don't enjoy fishing. They like the idea of a head to head contest versus humans whom they regard as evolutionary splitters, traitors to their ancestral bloodline and very bad swimmers indeed, even the really good ones. However, they view the current rules of fishing, in which humans always get the first go, as unfair

and also view the sport as too unsafe for the 21st century like rugby or boxing. Fact four, it's easy to assume that all fish are the same if you mostly see them in their post-mortem fish finger steak but actually fish vary in size from little fish all the way up to big fish which can be the size of a shark-sized double-decker bus. Sharks are the most famous fish. Contrary to popular belief, they actually love humans. They simply haven't mastered the art of the friendly kiss. In fact, whatever it is, despite being predated upon by humans ever since the invention of

the deep-fried potato, fish also predate on each other. Fish-on-fish violence is in fact one of the leading causes of fish death in the fish community. That's probably the one aspect of fish life that we've retained through hundreds of millions of years of evolution since the first curious fish made the mistake of thinking life might be better on land. If the fishes ever learn to get along and work together, frankly, we're f***ed. There are your fish facts, buglers. fish facts, buglers. Well that concludes this week's Bugle with all the news that has happened anywhere. We have a pretty high bar, a high threshold of relevance here. Don't forget to buy your tickets to my forthcoming show, The Zoltgeist, which begins on the 1st

of November. Tickets available at andysoltzland.co.uk, which begins on the 1st of November. Tickets available at andyzoltzland.co.uk, which is actually up to date at the moment. It just contains nothing but it's not the most Bells and Whistles website. But it's in the initials of checking it there. Yeah, it's, yeah, it's, I mean, when you say it's not the most Bells and Whistles website, it's, it does a job. It does a job. There's a picture of you on here. There's a recent picture of you on here, which is a huge upgrade, and it is the dates for your tour

that have not happened yet. They're all on there. Yep. This is fantastic, Andy. This is huge progress for you, and there's a link to a mailing list. What is worrying is that Andy has put a time-based statistic on it, which I assume is going to date quite rapidly when this website still looks like this in three years time. Oh right, what's the statistic? You've described the third millennium as 2.5% complete and I'm betting that's going to be the same when it's 5%. F*** you Chris. Do buy your tickets at the first available opportunity. Nish, you're on tour. I'm on tour right now in the UK and Dublin and tickets are available at nishkermard.co.uk,

another website that is very, very up to date. Tom, you are also on tour. I'm on tour, fuck all other tours. Mine's the best tour. Please come to me, that'd be great. I'm on tour. F**k all other tours. Mine's the best tour. Please come to me. That'd be great. I still have dates if you listen to this coming up in Brighton tonight I believe on the day that this episode is released Brighton Southampton Paris and Harlem if you don't mind London as well a second Soho theater date on Monday the 23rd

Liverpool leads Stockholm and Cork all details at comedy.com.au, a website that's updated, because I have nothing to do with that, and people whose job it is to keep that updated are doing their job. Great, anything else to plug? Just good vibes. Good vibes. Good vibes.

Good times. And please go to my Instagram for my latest cat recipes. Ha ha ha ha! Thank you for listening, bugglers. Until next week, goodbye.