The Bugle - The Reverse Skrillex - Bugle 4104

Episode Date: April 6, 2019

Andy is with Nish Kumar and Matt Forde to learn how Skrillex is fighting malaria and how Trump’s exoneration may be premature. Plus a profile of Mark Francois: Brexit Warrior.Please support us by donating here: www.thebuglepodcast.comWith<a href="https://twitter.com/hellobuglers">@HelloBuglers</a><a href="https://twitter.com/MrNishKumar">Nish Kumar</a><a href="https://twitter.com/MattForde">Matt Forde</a><a href="https://twitter.com/ProducerChris">@ProducerChris</a>Our thanks this week to:Tim WilkinsonNic WalkerF*ck You ChrisDagmar MakaraKen RobertsDiganta DasTuukkaLehoj√§rviJesse WeiherSara StillwellBrian FitzsimonsIain YoungTracy DiVitoDavid TullyDamian LunnyKelly McKenzie Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bughlers! And welcome to issue 4104 of the Bughal we are recording on the 5th of April 2019.

So this makes this the first Bughal since Britain became an independent nation once more. On the 29th of March last Friday what a week it's been joyous celebrations on the streets the first of a 100,000 of the people here were less than 99.94% British. Having ceremonially catapulted home we've signed trade deals with at least 185 different... does this need updating? I'll write this down. Hello, we're still here in the pre-Brexit Britain which has been delayed until next week and then possibly the end of June now, or this time next year. Which is just so much.

Just gotta hope for that climate apocalypse. Yeah. Kicking it down the road, the world will be at it over. Yeah, I mean, never have to deal with it. Come on, try it. As always. As always, finding the silver lining. Like all right, all the Mr Blue sky

Nice kuma welcome welcome back miss hello, Andrew. Hello, beaglis. It's been a while. Yeah, I've been I've been touring the country Yeah, just you know taking the temperature of Britain. What is that? Fucking live it the temperature for the people who are coming out to see me Andy suggest Brexit's all I for the people who are coming out to see me and they suggest Brexit's all I'm He's judging by my audience including the one man who bought an EU flag that he started waving off Fight the winner kick it's Brexit's all Brexit's all done. It's all it's all done and dusted I think we might be hitting similar demographics Yeah, I with the I guess the spiciest meatball was a gentleman in hull Who's title of your torsion? Yeah, yeah, yeah, the spiciest meatball. He took he took some exception to me

Making the case for a second referendum by screaming democracy And I sort of you know, I don't take those things lightly So I sort of took the time to explain to him that I wasn't really in favor of second referendum for a long time But with the parliamentary dead lot I feel like the's sort of lapsing towards a no-deal Brexit. And, you know, I didn't take the decision lightly, but I felt that it was best for the nation. And that went on for about five minutes. At the end of the five minutes, the woman who was sat next to him said, oh, yeah, he left five minutes ago. And the mic crick-o-zum of the Brexit.

Well, this is the thing I was like, I take those kind of things very seriously, but they do love to leave. It's very difficult to have a sustained conversation with a group of people that have identified themselves by leaving a place. Matt Ford also joined us. Second appearance. Pleasure to be back. On the bugle you are our British constitutional and political system experts. I'll try to be a

unique light into this. Right, I feel like the pressure's on now. Yeah. Pleasure to be housed. How's NON, not quite yet Brexit Britain treating you? Very well. I get a mixture on my tour of levers and ramayners. There's a bloke in Corby the other night who on the front row was probably loving it more than anyone I've ever known. Right. And said, I presume you're kind of from the people's vote. And he said, no, I'm the local chairman of Leavines. Why are you enjoying it so much? He just said, I just love seeing. I can laugh at myself, you know. Yeah. That's sort of it. He was a kind of tonic for the time I suppose.

Right. Proof that some of them have a sense of you. It's not very sure. Yeah. Leave means leave, by the way, very good advice for a young opening batsman when the ball is swimming around. He's decisive. Let it go and you can.

I feel, yeah, we're not stretched out to the global audience yet. Well, so hello, all bug not stretched out to the global audience yet. So hello, all buglers from all around the world. Well, we will be discussing Brexit again on this show. I hope you all are indulged in British introspection for another few weeks. We are recording on the 5th of April 2019, which is the anniversary of loads of stuff in history, which averages out as OK-ishish like all other days in the calendar As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week

Well, we're looking at gaming the gaming industry is now worth more than movies and music and would you believe it? podcasting? Well that's not up comedy. Never. They had the BAFTA gaming awards this week and we're affling some of the new games that have just come out and could be content as for next year's gaming BAFTAs, including pigeons of De Prava, can a flock of aerial vermin to feed the mighty kingdom of De Prava by shitting on people's cars, nibbling the seeds from their back gardens, thus creating social breakdown.

It's a very much a parody of Brexit. Nursing home manager too, a glimpse into a very real dystopian future. Warlocks V. Demon's Seven, admin division, a new angle for the fantasy war franchise, setting you the unenviable challenge of managing the frontline logistics Supply lines transport schedules come back training timetable and pastoral care for 300,000 strong armies of mythical beasts And oh, this is one I'm sure you guys are very excited about Ron and David's ball and balls and unexpected tie up between

87 year old former world balls champion David Bryant and 1970s pornographic actor Ron Jeremy, graphically realistic crown green gameplay mixed with retropriopism for one of the surprise hits of 2019. Building up a good head has never been so strategically intrigued. Michael Goves backstabber 2019 reboot of the very successful 2016 original. Look, it's all fun and games with that. But have you ever tried to explain the concept of football manager to someone who has never heard of it?

Because they basically look at you, like we looked at you when you were saying all of that bullshit. Football manager for the uninitiated is again, where for the American listeners by football, I mean football, because you should learn the proper fucking words for things. Yeah, the clue is the word, the word is by football, I mean football, because you should learn the proper f***ing words for things. Yeah, the clue is the word football.

Yeah, the word is called football, you f***ing idiots. But please give us a try and deal. It's basically where you play a game as a football manager. So it is the laziest thing you can possibly do, because you're not even pretending to be someone running around. You're like sat there in your house pretending to be someone who does the admin of a football club. It's not a million miles away from Warlocks vs Wizards 7 or whatever. I'm surprised I haven't been spin off versions like director of football. Or Fizz, you know. Yeah, yeah, you've seen the coach. What is he? His EO is a tedious game.

So John's ambulance. It is kind of fascinating that the computer games is worth, in fact, it's worth more in Britain than movies and music combined, apparently. It does slightly suggest we are a nation that is much more comfortable with fictional worlds than real ones, which makes plain a little bit of what's been going on.

Top story this week and well there is only one place to start this week and it's not with Brexit, it is with perhaps the most important scientific breakthrough since Isaac Newton discovered gravity and enabled people to stay on the ground for much longer during their lives. Skrillex, the renowned dubstep star, could end malaria. I mean what a great time for the world is this? You must have had to Google every word of that sentence except malaria. Well, I mean, it's very exciting.

I mean, this is science coming to the rest of the world. Matt, you're our Mosquito-born diseases correspondent. Yes, just fill us in on, I mean, there are a lot of gaps in that sentence. I mean, I have to admit, until last night, I thought Scrillex was the sort of thing you filled in the hole in a wall with, sort of kitchen work with. But according to Live Science, a team of international researchers found that female mosquitoes forced to listen to Scrillex, they never did it through choice.

Particularly the song Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites, on repeat for specifically 10 minutes, were less likely to have sex and feed on unwitting victims than those not exposed to the apparently granny winning track. And I tried this in fact, your conditions, I've tested it in my flat. I'm happy to reply to the same effects on humans. In fact, I didn't even have to play it. If you haven't heard Scrillex, it's the sort of music that... So a musical way would youth would play in a soap opera over a parent describing it as a racket.

Right. Lots of speculation around Scrillex's real name. Nigel Piddelworth, isn't it, but wouldn't be great if it was. And this is nothing new, of course, to fans of bugs and music. Scrillex, it's just the latest and a long line of musical artists whose music has proven to have side effects. Beethoven is known to improve cognitive function in toddlers, Anya helps lower the heart rate, and Slipknot may grow and then urinate and masturbate onto each other.

A lot of scientific research. I've got into the sweet, sweet tang of personal experience from nothing for coming through that. Was it Beethoven that was particularly effective played into the womb? Played into the womb, yes, but it depends through what. Did you play either of your children's blinded guests in the womb? No, they mostly listened to cricket commentary and music, I think. I was exposed to the greatest hits of banana armor from very, very shortly before conception. I don't address famillageo.

So Skrillex is a prominent star of dubstep. Which I mean, what was your level of awareness of the genre of dubstep? Wow, very high, of course, this dubstep. It's one that someone charges an off challenges an off break isn't it? It is a cricketing maneuver. If you don't know dubstep it's like 1930s skiffle music, crushed with early Bach, but different in every single way. And Skrillex himself was he had he is named after the cleaning product that had been used in his parents' house when he was conceived. Always it's, it's, it's, oh it might be the ancient Latin word for dubstep, I'm not sure. Also the music has proved inspirational and indeed iconic

among supporters of the campaign to get Slovakia, Croatia, Romania, Italy and Luxembourg to all leave the EU at the same time. And well he's also renowned for his haircut, Scrillex, very distinctive, shaved on one side, long on the other. So it's kind of done the same as you, but the other way. I've gone top and back, yeah. You've got the old reverse scrillex. Reverse, reverse, scrillex, or he's gone for the reverse salt. He's gone for the reverse salt. But he actually just developed his distinctive shaved on one side long on the other, to give him better ballast and aerodyneism when walking fast around corners because he was off in late appointments.

But it also does mean that if Skrillex is running at you at high speed, he will swing. And one final Skrillex fats. He's not in contention for the forthcoming World Snooker Championships. He's focusing on dubstep. Very difficult to track Skrillex's movement when he's on the subcontinent, isn't it Andy? He tends to move a light. Yeah. Um, Nish, I mean, you, you're, I mean, you're a, you have some considerably younger generation than me. Yeah, but I mean not philosophically, actually. Unfortunately, my age has not been a barrier to our friendship, do you know about that? We've somehow picked out exactly the same cultural references.

What does A, Scrilex and B, Mosquitoes mean to you? Well, Mosquitoes have been a constant bane of my life here, so but so has Scrilex. And I dislike Scrilex's music to such an extent that I am willing to risk malaria. Christiane, actually sells Skrillex blankets to keep him out of young children's tents and mine. It's the combination apparently of very high

and very low frequencies. Apparently it's that range that is affecting Mosquito's behaviour, which does suggest we could have seen the same extent by just having me talk over a Barry White track. Well, we should probably play a little bit of a script. I'm going to cheese that, that is unposite. That is also the current internal monologue of Theresa May. So yeah, the scientists, according to this article, said that in insects, low frequency vibrations facilitate sexual interactions, which would explain why my collection of weevils start unstoppable, and we're pumping each other whenever the British Attorney General Jeffrey

Cox starts talking about Brexit on the news. I mean he has a voice that insects must, with those via Haggera too, and insects, isn't that. That's why it's a lot of human times. It affects me on some level. The highly affected way of speaking, though, is that he knows what he's doing. I don't even get a clip of Jeffery Cox speaking over some Skrillex. Chris.

Thank you. It shows what a respect our body has for the rule of law. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Female Adonth Mosquitoes were entertained by the Skrillex track and attacked hosts later

and less often than those in, and I quote, a dubstep free environment. I mean, that is really science taken to your people not have better experiments to do. Well, this is something we come back to on the bugle a lot. I know, but you say that, But malaria, bafflingly, still a massive problem around the world. That is true. And scrillex can delay attack, as you said, by mosquitoes,

reduce blood feeding and disrupt mating. And so it could not, not just malaria, but other celebrities, including dengue fever. Oh, yeah, that's a real problem. And Brexitosis could be saved by screlect. Well let me tell you something, as somebody who did a fair bit of travelling to malaria affected regions over the last two years. That was the tour. That was my rain forest leg. I didn't know Carlisle was that bad. But you have to take malaria tablets. That's a way to stave it off and it worked, it was very effective.

But one of the side effects is, you know, your buttocks become quite chatty. And the noise that they emit is quite toxic. And similar to squillette. Yeah. Oh, man. Is it possible that the reason those malaria tablets are effective is because your anus essentially imitates the music of scrillex and puts mosquitoes off from biting you? That's what it is.

I mean, I do worry about research like this, that once you say music affects, you know, organisms, then you're saying rap makes people violent. Right. This has clearly got the seeds of, you know, and George W. Bush used to blame Marilyn Manson for people's behavior. This feels like we're now grounding that nonsense in time. I mean, to be fair, whenever I hear Skrillex, I do have a compunction towards violence,

but the violence is solely punching Skrillex. I mean, the evidence, these further evidence that's, well, I mean, the report concluded that mosquitoes are scryled into a deep groove. We're Skriller on the loose. We've actually had Skrillex in the studio off mic for this whole recording, and none of us has been bitten by a mosquito. So there's a proof, Nish has been just bitten by a screw-likes but above man that's how you've just punched him it was much it was retaliation respect to the squirrel master

other musicians that are pretty successful in preventing mosquitoes getting the horn include the likes of Debbie Gibson the children's tv star numscal shitbringer ace 19th century composer Fran Schubert, but only when souped up with a seriously funtut baseline. And Urban Grunge has Dubwap Bleepbop Tyros Brutus Brutals in the Scarface Nums as well as the of course 60s rockers the Dave Clark 5. Non-Scrillex Mosquito News now and Jeff Bezos and his ex-wife Mackenzie have just finalized the world's most expensive divorce. The paper's delivered almost

unnaturally quickly by a courier, I'm not sure. This is the new world record for for Bezos. Enjoy while you can, Jeff. And Mackenzie, because Britain is coming, our fourth coming divorce from Europe is going to blow you out of the fucking water, which you probably owned by now, because our divorce is not only going to cost us trillions of pounds. Are we keeping the pound? Are we going to go back to the grope or the pinarious or the pig or whatever? Also going to cost us international credibility, standing and the future. So it's very, this enjoyable town. Yeah, QBs us. Yeah, you've been owned. So Matt, as our

constitution, yeah, by expert, we've caused me, I'm really personally, who understands any of it. Yeah, Jesus. I was hearing a very various things that keep being said that we're between a rock and a hard place. That's not actually true. The latest evidence suggests we're between a rock and a hard place. That's not actually true. The latest evidence suggests we're between a rock, a hard place, another rock. A third really jagged rock. A really very hard and actually quite spiky place.

A soft place that is actually a thin mattress stretch precariously over the crevice between two rocks and a hard place made of rocks. Is there any way out of this? And there is some way out of it. And it might come from an unusual source. Right. So there's a lot of screlex possibly screlex

I was taught this thing that Birko as Speaker of the House has the casting but of course he sits as member of Ponnie's Elected Vice Constituents so there's a lot of controversy about that however I can reveal on the big that was not John Birko who unlocked the the Parliamentary arithmetic but Yuri Geller wrote to the Prime Minister an open letter two weeks ago claiming that he would psychologically block Brexit. He's claiming that because Parliament voted by a majority of WAN to prevent a no-deal Brexit, he has succeeded.

The letter he wrote to the Prime Minister said the following three years before you became Prime Minister, I predicted your victory when I showed you Winston Churchill's spoon in my Cadillac, which I asked you to touch. A lot. Absolutely. There's a lot in that sentence. There's a lot in that sentence. Firstly, Yuri Geller has Winston Churchill's spoon.

Secondly, as a Cadillac, thirdly, Theresa May knows Yuri Geller fourthly. She knows she has a Cadillac and fifthly, she's like in the back of it and touches his foot. But of course, this is the latest in Long Live. Who can forget when Paul McKenna led to the bailing out of the banks by inviting Gordon Brown into his Pontiac and getting him to touch Clement Attley's new tree ball? And this is the latest in a long line of mystics and hypnotists intervening to say the global economy. Also in his letter he claimed

he would use the power of his mind to ensure that quote Jeremy Corbyne never gets the keys to number 10. I will ensure they bend out of all proportion to ensure he never takes up residence there. So I think Yuri has slightly misunderstood the phrase getting the keys to number 10. Thinking that Corbyne would have to literally let himself in at the end of each working day. And if you can't get out of the threshold, that the British Constitution would not allow him to hold the office and private. It would generate the someone open to the door.

Yes, there's a bloke behind the door. There's a bloke behind the door. Yeah, yeah. Who sees you coming on a security camera. So it's all fine. The keys are really obsolete. I think Geller has obviously just thought of keys of the, you know, the keys to the world world and he's trying to intervene in whichever

way you can. Elsewhere in Brexit lad to Donald Tusk, the president of the European Council and the name of the protagonist of the ill-advised Adam Sandlery make of the elephant man, has responded with the offer at the year-long flag stage. That's how I wrote that this morning, I thought, that's going to be a... Solz was going to enjoy that. Has responded to the latest round of Theresa May, just bringing back the same withdrawal agreement week after week, but each time in a different font,

by saying that he's gonna offer us a flex tension, which is a word that even as I say, it makes me want to punch myself in the teeth. But it would give the option for the UK to exit at some point in the next year, which means we could leave at any point in that time, but no later than the date given in the flex tension. But Theresa May's responded to that by saying

the UK will leave on the 30th of June, which is rather like being offered a buy one, get one free and going, no, I would like to buy one and get one. LAUGHTER 30th of June. I mean, that is... You're up towards the end of the group stage of the cricket world. And will it not enter it on the nation's league? Talking about. And that's

the day England plays India. And it's Boston. How symbolic. How deep, how deeply symbolic, give it the India may well be about to take over England. Flex, don't you mean, I've, the language that Brexit has... Uncaught has been an absolute catastrophe. Aside from anything else, the number of portmonto words and Brexit related terminology, Brexatius, that's now in the Dictionary of State of Irritability caused by watching low coverage from parliament. Brexico, that's a new suggestion, that you see it's a Mexico plus style deal,

where we leave the EU, fire ourselves across the Atlantic at high speed, barge Mexico physically out of the way and I fix ourselves to the southern border of the USA, like a feeding animal on its mother's teeth. DY by D Brex, now this is the in the in Brexit calculus, the mathematics of Brexit. D.Y. by D. Brex mathematically works out the unexpected derivatives of Brexit by asking why, and the result gives you the current rate of national decline. So there's one for maths fans there. Brex revert. We'll touch on this more later, likes of Mark François, we will be shortly

appearing on the show in form. Supercalifragilistic Brexby Allodosis is the belief that a magical nanny figure will save us all through her magical powers. We're very much having a Brexit-Esteential crisis. And abstract Brexit-Spressionism, which is essentially just throwing ideas at a blank canvas and saying, that's what you intended to do all along. Because even if we get the year-long extension, we're still no closer to resolving any of the key problems, such as our relationship with the single market, customs union, and what happens to the border in Ireland. So even if we get another year, I don't really see how, basically

at this point, we are shunted, which is a portmanteau of my own concoction, meaning shit. Also, Brexit, recentory perception. Obviously, ability to notice benefits of Brexit that ordinary people can't obviously. There's been a lot of error. So one of the big moves this week was Theresa May, reaching out across the political divide, inviting Jeremy Corbyn, Brownford T, to discuss Brexit. And she's had quite a lot of praise for this, but seems to me that congratulating Theresa May

for finally seeking some kind of bipartisan cooperation is basically the same as saying, well done for doing up your zip nice and quickly to a man who's just spent the last minute urinating into a coffin at a funeral. LAUGHTER Was that, was that for a game? That joke, Andrew, I hate to say it.

It has the ring of personal experience to it. It was a great quote from a government source last night. And it really highlights the hypocrisy on both the Tory and the Labour side and the challenge of reaching agreement and they said our position is a customs union but we don't call it that. Labour's position is not a customs union but they do. Right, so it's a polite way of saying that they're both full of shit. Strange times. But this is the problem of what you have is Corbyn will not give many straight answers. Keir Starmer is clearly very pro-European

and desperate to get the Labour Party to position where they will commit to a second referendum. And then John McDonald plays a kind of borderline sweeper-slash troll rock where he will actively son of in sight the pro-European wing of the party. By telling them what they want to hear, but absolutely not meaning it. And leaving them with nowhere to go go other than agree with John McDonald,

but no that he's lying. But I have to say, I've found it very difficult to swallow the Tories' warnings about Corbin being engaged with extremists in the same week that Jacob Rees Mug supportively retweeted a video from the AFD, literally the descendants of the Nazi party. Oh, we've come to a point where a member of the Grand Wizards is now retweeting things from the Nazi party. It really is starting to be difficult to swallow the whole Brexit, it is not a racist project thing. And they claimed the things with these Grand Wizards, I don't actually cover this on a previous episode, but it's Ian Duncan Smith, Jacob Eastmock, a hard core of the ERG,

to serve themselves as grand wizards. When it was pointed out to them that that was the term that the KKK used. David Duke, by the way, in terms of copyright is livid. They're ruining the good, progressive name of the KKK. But they claimed they didn't know that it was from the KKK,

which makes it even more ludicrous. It was come up. How would you come up with grand wizards if you hadn't heard it before? You read the erasist or a f***. Possibly both. Well, we got down to the bottom three because I think it was other games.

Amazing guys. Top dudes or grand wizards. I had that. If you're part of a campaign which has been accused of manipulating reality to achieve the same thing. To call yourself the grand wizards, does not quell that complaint? Yeah, quite aside from being term associated with the clue-close clown.

You're either merlin or a racist, there's not... Either way, it doesn't really give a great... Did a confidence to the majority of British people, or hope. This is a book breaking news. This is just coming through. Apparently emergency measures have been put in place by the government to reactivate the Queen Mother. Now 118 years old it's thought that to help create national unity the renowned royal will be reactivated and deployed to the regions that were most split on Brexit. And... Three hands! I think that's really something.

So what's been interesting with Brexit is that it's brought to public attention members of parliament who weren't particularly high profile. Yes. And foremost amongst them over the past few weeks has been Mark Fronsswell. Oh my God. Who is former Defence Minister? Yes. Yeah.

He is the MP for feral bleeding to lovely rural constituency in Kent Angushire, which includes the picker-esque villages of Frothing, Lower Bicca and Quibbling by the sea. Here's the whip of the ERG, Jacob Riesmoggs ERG, which is a European research group, in terms of political titles. This is right up there with the Democratic. Well, it's kind of firm in public. Yes, they're kind of lo and from the tobacco lobby, the lung foundation to justify putting chemicals into our cigarettes. What exactly, what level of research is going on? Very little. Most of their research seems to involve bloating their mouths off on national television.

In fact, it was largely inactive until relatively recently. So it's been around a long time and they didn't really do anything until around the time. I think either just before or just after the referendum, so they kind of lay dormant, like a kind of disease, and they were reactivated by the changing conditions. But Francois, he's let it to the Prime Minister to cause a confidence vote, was on the funniest of the lot. And he started using this phrase now, says, I'm a patriotic man, I'm a member of the TA during the Cold War. And he said, hang on, not a real army,

I'm not a real war. That's not saying I served in the scouts during the Cold War. So I'll be start peddling this line. And if you watch him, for vehicles who haven't seen him yet, he's often on TV tearing up paper. I don't know if he's got this habit.

He will either tear up terrible letter from the commission or an obscure piece of European legislation. He's working his way up to a yellow page for his Christmas party, but he's been really emboldened by this period. He's essentially a satchel of ham that's been brought to life by a witch's curse. His Wikipedia page was, I believe the term is Nish Kumar.

Absolutely, Kumar. Mark Francis Wikipedia page got absolutely the full Kumar treatment. It appeared yesterday on his Wikipedia page. He died on the 4th of April 2019 after exploding with rage in the House of Commons with anecdotal evidence reporting that his giblets ended up strewn all over the house. I was on my feet, but he peed if he had a good half-out. I took a scream. Oh, that's brilliant. Anyway, it's only fair to hear what the man himself thinks.

Luckily, we have excerpts from his forthcoming diary of the Brexit campaign and this is from in fact this week he's very generously allowed us to use as part of our serialisation of the morgue from Sward Diaries. 31st of March I saw a child playing on the swings in the local park. I ran over to intervene. Stop attempting a coup against the British people I screamed, hurling the child off the swing into a British hate. I don't think 17.4 million people voted for you to play around on the swings like a Spanish child would do your little shit. A yell, that's the weeping infant ran to it so called mother. I tore up some paper. First of April, wrote a letter to myself congratulating myself for standing up for and to the British people and asking for a signed photo. 7pm. Ordered a takeaway just so I

could tell the delivery driver that I had a meal in 2016 so why is he bringing me food now. I was about to eat my soup with a spoon when I remember that we haven't Brexited yet because of all the commies and traders so spoons aren't legal again yet. They're banned because of Europe or at least that's what I heard from myself when talking to myself in the mirror last week. So I had to put my face in the soup and slurp it up like a Portuguese or Bulgarian person would, our freedom cannot come soon enough. 2nd of April, Met Jacob and the guys for practice, good session, repeating our key phrases such as just want us to get on with it, 17.4 million, will of the people, the future, and 17.4 million.

3rd of April, I want an award, blowhard of the people, the future, and $17.4 million. Third of April. I want an award blow hard of the month from grandstanding today. Fourth of April. My new set of makeup has arrived just in time for next week's TV appearances. Not sure which shade of foundation to go with. Crimson Strop, beetroot combustio,

petulant ruby, sunset blather, toddler tantrum series, or rouge de la incondissence. I want to look at my most livid I'm being interviewed about Lego fourth of April. I just want Margaret to love me. I can't believe she's gone. Let's head a little inside into the morning. American news now and well we've probably missed this this this story for the last couple of weeks due to what's been going on over here but the the Mueller report is what's quite

quite interesting times in America. Well we have no idea because it's not being released. We're just being told that it doesn't find the president guilty of anything but don't look at it, which is sort of not really how crime works. Like you can't sort of turn up and be like, oh yeah, I do have an alibi. It's my friend Dave and he says I wasn't there. Right. And we talk today, of course not.

Dave's dead, I killed him. I mean, and the version we're being given is the attorney general's. Yeah. And I'm obviously hand picked by... Yeah, obviously it's concerned about Republican members from Papointean, politically absolutely not neutral Attorney General William Barr, getting to set the agenda around the Mueller report. It's important to remember in his previous life,

as Attorney General to George Bucciniar, his most notable achievement was pardoning senior members of the Reagan administration who did legally help Salam through RAN, using the money to fund the countries in Nicaragua. In short, he's ideally placed to handle this in part. But his position allows him to get the first word in and frame the politics around the Muller Report. His letter is effectively like a film trailer but a film trailer featuring reviews of the film by the people who made it. A complete exoneration. I loved it. Six stars, Donald Trump. This is

amazing. I can't believe I've been arrested, Donald Trump, Jr. Not really my thing, Bazz Bammingboy, Danny Mail. Pretty sweet, there's might be surprised, if you've read the letter, you might be surprised to say that the organisation accused of spreading disinformation responsible for social media operations during the election was the IRA. Sadly, not the study turns out to be the internet research agency and not as we're all hoping for. Of course, the Islington Residence Association, although given who the local MP is, don't roam out. The most fascinating report is the section

on obstruction of justice and that's where there is hope for us who believe that Trump may be guilty of something. The letter says the special Counsel did not draw a conclusion one way or the other, as so whether the examined conduct constituted obstruction. Instead, for each of the relevant actions, the report sets out evidence on both sides and leaves unresolved. What the Special Counsel views has difficult issues of law and fact concerning whether the President's actions and intent could be viewed as obstruction. And then it says, the Special Counsel states that while this report does not conclude

the president committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him. And does not exonerate him is the best possible spin they can put on it. And that, I mean, if you ran that through a political despinning machine, it would come out as, for the love of God burn everything we're going to judge. Well, that's it, because I mean, there's no smoke without fire, obviously the foundation of all justice is to do. Absolutely. But I mean in this case there's no smoke because all that's left is ash because they

did set fire to everything. I love the frakes as well. He set aside difficult issues of law and fracks. The difficulty issue being the president has broken the law and that's a fact. He has said to give him credit to the attend general, he will move quickly to release the nearly 400 page report, but needs time to scrub out confidential information. How much time to take to scrub out 398 pages? Well, how many helpers have you got? Drumper said it's a witch hunt. I didn't entirely help myself by spending so much time chucking frogs into a bubbling cauldron. What's wearing a big black hat and saying locker up?

But I'm not I'm not I just I still can't quite envision him ever being Ever being impeached. I'm not even want them to be impeached. Oh, as a Donald Trump impersonator. I need him not to be I'm already got my Trump 2020 campaigners in. I'd rather he was turned into a heron. The New York Times and the, what I think Adam the Washington Post this morning, are running stories from anonymous officials who worked on the Mueller report expressing frustration that they haven't actually released what they consider to be evidence of his wrongdoing. And Trump has responded by saying that the New York Times had no legitimate sources.

In fact, they probably had no sources at all. Which is a bit hard to take coming from a man who this week claimed wind farms cause cancer. It's a bit difficult to take some from someone who if you printed out the entire quantity of his spoken output in the last three years, it would cause the biggest meltdown in Wikipedia's citation needed function. Not only that, he also claimed that his dad was born in Germany. Oh my God, that was the Greek. It's fucking hell. Which turned out to be, well, it is a fact, all be a false fact. It's an alternate fact.

Yeah. But he's also, he's also done his mother was a professional combat snowboarder in the Zambian army. And in fact, his German father played for West Germany in the 1954 football World Cup finals, scoring the equalizing second goal in the unjustifiable 32 victory over Hungary. I've gone mistakenly attributed to the great forward Helmut Hahn by most records of the game. Wasn't that scored by Donald Trump's dad?

There we go. Is he trying to be like, my dad was born in Germany and no one who's ever done anything bad has been born in Germany. Part of it is a strategy to distract. And another part of it is just, he knows and another part of it is just he knows that and this is the real struggle with him there is something QG entertaining about finding out what you should the thing the other week about the lakes where was he what lake was he talking about is it they are the biggest lakes by

the way they're record deepness and they are and even the people who run the lakes said they're not they have to tweet we're really sorry these they do not hold any records in the lake and so embarrassed that he'd use them. That's just part of his brand, it's just constantly making out things a better than they are. That was his whole business was based on that. You're going to get the best deal. These are the best houses you can pay by the way. And this guy is the tab dude. And it's just that constant overflattery and constant salesmanship. And he's transplanted that into the White House. Oddly, talking about written versus spoken,

he didn't have to give any verbal evidence to the Muller Inquire. He was allowed to only give written evidence, which means he doesn't know what evidence he's given to the Muller Inquire. He's not working on letting him submit his own evidence. I can well imagine, big in Robert Mueller's position,

and imagining having to interview that scatterbrained obvious career criminal. I just thinking I cannot handle having to listen to him talking circles for hours and hours and hours. Let's get someone else to write the thoughts. And now it's time for country's Britain will be seeking to develop closer ties with after Brexit threatening to stone gay people to death news now. What a sentence. So Brunei has passed a law that will allow it theoretically to stone gay people to death. In 2019. This is 2019.

2019. AD. 8. Terrified. That. Nish. You're our Brunei legal expert. Brunei, of course, renowned principal, having a leader so wealthy that he could afford

to buy all the tickets to next week's satirist for high shows at the Southern hemisphere when they were 10th and 13th, 11th of April. Then the Bugle Live in Brighton on Friday the 12th, then Mosh, a couple of shows at the Underbelly in London in May and June, and of course my entire Edinburgh Fringer on a new show Control. That's better if the show's up there. And by all those things, and still have trillions. Still have trillions of the bank. Well, look, the various celebrities have organized a boycott of a string of hotels owned by the Sultan.

But when you look at the boycott, I mean, certainly the ones in this country, the Dorchester 45 Park Lane, and in America, the hotel, certainly the ones in this country, the Dorchester, 45 Park Lane, and in America, the hotel, Bella and the Beverly Hills Hotel, they're not, it's quite difficult to boycott hotels that 99% of the population don't go to anyway. Here's my suggestion, save up an absolutely rancid dose and drop it in the toilets in the lobbies of all of those hotels. That is your solution to everything.

That is my solution to everything. I suggest you go out for a heavy evening's drinking, finish it off with a cabab. The next morning, get up, strong black coffee in a carrot juice and head off to 45 park clay. That's a great idea. If they're not going to let you use the toilets, don't be afraid to drop the hammer in the lobby. Just dry the middle of the lobby.

If they are, unless the policy changes, it gets very difficult to boycott these hotels that no one goes to anyway, but they've all got toilets in the lobby, shit away. Yeah, do it in a V for Vendetta mask, they'll never find you. Statistically, everyone's got one anyway these days. I'm kind of grateful that they only own those high-end,

because I've been obviously boycotting these hotels for years. It's a good job they don't own like I-bis, because that was really forced me into a very difficult situation. Well Matt, you've already been conducting a your own dirty protest against the I-bis chain. The last six months of touring. Yes, I have. The breakfast, well there's no breakfast there. I'm gonna make some other torturing. Yes, I have.

Well, there's no breakfast there. It's not good enough. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle Next Week, the show will be coming live from Brighton, 12th of April to get your tickets online. It's gonna say Brunei. Matt, anything you like, you're on tour currently? I'm on tour, I've just had to date the Bloomsby Theatre on Saturday the 25th of May of my tour

Brexit through the gift shop. So, come along. Nish, anything to plug? Uh... Oh, yeah, well... I don't know. My tour's finished. But I think I am doing some festival dates,

albeit the McHenryth Comedy Festival and the Wells Comedy Festival doing the last sort of go-around of these and then I'll do a few of them in Edinburgh. Just Google, you've all got Google. Before we leave, well thanks, Nish, and Matt, for coming on the show. And thanks to all of you who have contributed to the bugle

through our renewed voluntary subscription scheme, there are various options. You go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. You can choose on the options you'll make up your own one-off or regular donation. Some of those who have chosen the, well, the, the higher levels of subscription part of the deal was that you have a lie told about you on the bugle, did a batch a couple of weeks ago. It's a great idea. So, strap yourselves in with the next batch of 15 lies about bugle subscribers. Chris, music police.

Tim Wilkinson likes to guess how old benches are and then tell the people who are sitting on those benches whether or not he thinks they are older or younger than the bench. Nick Walker thinks that constitutionally the president or prime minister of any country should always be a non-swimmer to limit their means of escape from the country in the event of impeachment. Someone who names themselves only a f***** you Chris owns six toothbrushes, one for each week day, and one to cover weekends, he has them re-bristled monthly. Dagmar Makarah is so warm-hearted that if someone draws a face on an apple, he cannot

bring himself to eat it. Ken Roberts, meanwhile, would like to see dueling reintroduced the top level politics, proper ones too, at dawn, in the woods. DeGanta Dast thinks everyone should have to sit their final school exams every three years. If they've dropped below an acceptable standard, they would have to go back to school. Tukka, Le Hovry, and I'm absolutely in no idea how that is supposed to be pronounced. They had some weird accents on it. So I hope it's close enough. Anyway, Tukka is an influential figure in the global campaign to legalize sneezing, which was of course outlawed until 1996. Jesse Wee, who was locked in an industrial fridge for six weeks at school as part of a dissertation

about the Norwegian polar explorer, Freechoff Nuts, whilst Stera Stillwell, turned down on offer from NASA to become the first person to really land on the moon because she had a piano lesson. Brian Fitzsimmons tried to breed his cat with his neighbour's dog to see if he could create the perfect hybrid pet. He ended up with a guinea pig, a court case, and a Nobel-Pide price for biology. And Damien Loney believes all global problems could be solved by giving a free garden trowel to everyone. Gardening is therapeutic, things Damien, and we could all grow our own food wherever we happen to be at the time. Ian Young believes that ghosts should be made illegal, legislation is the only language

they understand, he says. And Tracy Davito sometimes introduces herself as the 1968 Olympic Longdump Champion Bob Beeman, just to see how people react. David Tully, every meal time, eats all his food and alphabetical order in an effort to bring them sense and structure to this ridiculous universe. And finally, Kelly McKenzie thinks a space rocket made of oboe jeans is a logistical possibility within 30 years if they genetically modify the renowned vegetable to give it a heat proof shell.

Thank you to all those people for subscribing. Join in the voluntary subscription scheme if you want to join them and indeed have a like, told about you on this show. Go to thebugelpodcast.com and click Donate. Until next week, may the bullshit be with you. Goodbye. Bye. you