The Bugle - The Russian Doll (4221)

Episode Date: February 22, 2022

Andy is with Neil Delamere and Nato Green as awful news from Ukraine unfolds. Also, who is *the* Russian Doll, is Kristen Dunst even real, frozen winter wangs and San Fran school chaos.Read this, and then click...Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanNeil DelamereNato GreenProduced by one of the best Chris Skinners Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a Visual World! Hello, Buglers! And welcome to issue 4,221 of the bugle with me and his ultimate audio news casting

as ever from the shed on this. The 21st of February 2022, I have reinforced the shed to extend up to 140,000 Russian troops trying to break in at once, done've done that by cleverly surrounding it with, well, 2,500 kilometers of land and a bit of sea. So I should be good to get through this week's recording for which. I am joined from not one, but two sides of the Atlantic Ocean and a quite a bit of land after that as well,

in one of their cases. Bye from San Francisco, NATO green and from Dublin, Neil from San Francisco, NATO green, and from Dublin, Neil Delamere. Welcome back, both of you. How are you? Very good, Andy. How are you? I'm more right.

Yeah, I'm only apart from the world's teaching on the precipice of oblivion, but you know, other than that. Oh, I'm just here having a cup of tea, enjoying my country's lack of proximity to Russia. And you can, I mean, you can criticize L You can criticize a lot about Ireland, the weather, and certain inequality. But I mean, there's stuff she can't take away from us,

two thousand miles to Moscow. It's got to be useful at the moment. Yeah, but you used to say that about the Volikings. I might have... Andy, I don't know if you know this. It's a three day weekend in America. And so we shipped the kids off to LA to visit friends. And my wife and I are enjoying our child free time the way that many married couples do,

which is by having a long uninterrupted romantic talk about the children. So you you you ship them off. I mean, what's the, what are the, what are the shipping lines like these days? Yeah, there's actually there's supply chain issues. They're flight, their flight back is delayed. So, but my, you know, it's interesting, my kids, the twins are 13, which means that they're brilliant in many ways, but then have like huge gaps in basic life knowledge. And one of my favorite things about being a parent of this age is when they confidently assert that something is not a thing, that is definitely a thing. So, the list of my, of things that my kids do not believe are things are Kristen Dunst, Bruce Springsteen, Christmas pajamas, and free juice on their plan.

It's a wide gamut of really is. I mean, I mean, is there actually any incontroversible proof that that Dunst does genuinely exist or not? I mean, I think you're thinking of a film that she was in where other people had no reflections. All right, must be that. I mean, you can do anything with cameras these days. Yeah, can. So our green screen, isn't it? I mean, that would be one of the weirder conspiracy theories. There's no stiggy script. I mean, that would be one of the weirder conspiracy theories. It's not a stupid truth. It's not a stupid truth.

But Dunst is a four-jury. But you know, who knows, that could be just the tip of the iceberg. I mean, next up, we're telling us that Julia Roberts doesn't exist when there are no certainties anymore. Yeah, no, it turns out Kristen Dunst is just Andy Circus and a rubber suit. You heard it here first. It's not podcast to four, spreading conspiracy theories, where others fear to tread. We are recording on the 21st of every 2022, meaning tomorrow, on the correct way of formatting dates is 202-02-2022, a palindromic date using the eight-digit day-month year format,

as God intended. Now there are just 29 of these palindromic dates to enjoy this century, and of course there will be a special bugle on the 29th of February, 22 to mark the last of these, with special guests Simon, Jane Nomis, and Annabelle Labana, assuming they exist at the time. And we look back now at some of the great Palin Dromic dates from history. On this equivalent day on 22 February 2022 BC, well there's an all-action day, a guy in what is now Germany killed on elk. On the 11th of January in the year 1011, six-time Viking pillager of the year, Snial Skilson, did some palendromic pillaging to mark the occasion. He ran

to Monastery, a Convent, a Fishing Village, another Convent and a second Monastery, in just six hours of action-packed Viking. He absolutely viked to the hell out of it, that day to be fair to the lad. On the 11th of November, 11, 11, everyone just went absolutely f***ing nuts. Because that's the only time that a date had the same digit eight times in a row. And will remain so until 11111 years, 11 months and 11 days off of the real Messiah is born. Or of course, unless part of the peace deal in Ukraine involves splitting months in half. So we have 24 in a year and helping February

make up for all the years. It's been the shortest month by letting it have 22 days. What's all the other months have fewer? I mean, that's a long shot, but it's not impossible. On 20 February 2002, Andy Hans, who played baseball for the New York Giants and the Philadelphia Phillies in the 1940s and 50s, died at the Palendrome Age of 77. And, would you believe, he also had a Palendrome Heights of 1 meter, 91 centimeters. So, I imagine, as, you know, final thoughts go, that would have been quite a satisfying one. And it's what's now eight years now until the next Palendromic date, the 3rd of February 2030. So I do make the most of it

on a non-8-digit Palendromic date, the first of the first one. Baby Jesus did a sick, but it was magic and cured a sickly pigeon. But it doesn't qualify as an 8-digit Palendromic. Andy, how much time did you spend working out all the palindromic dates? Well, I started at the first palindromic date. I started at 13 billion BC and worked from there. No, it turns out I had conveniently enough thanks to the wonders of the internet. There's a website. You seem so obsessed with palantrums that if one member

of Abba dies, you'll murder the other three. Well, look, I'm sure it wouldn't be the only one. So, you know, it would be their waterloo. As always, the sex and other bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, micro pets with living space at an increasing premium and an ferrets. It's become too expensive, space-consuming, and sometimes too poisonous or demanding for today's time space and wedge-pore animal fans. So our special bugle section in the bin this week focuses on the options for micro pets, tiny animals, that fulfill the same function, but of the fraction

of the cost time in space. After all, we're perfectly happy to have a house plant in the living room rather than the giant redwood. So why not downsize animals as well as plants? We look at the pros and cons of owning a termite. Pro, for example, you don't have to follow it around with a plastic bag in case it craps on the pavement. Con, it might eat your cricket back. Pro, your termite won't annoy the neighbors, like other pets can, by barking, naing or roaring in the middle of the night. Con, termites have

a tendency to become emotionally detached. Pro, you can take your termite for a walk in the park, without getting mobbed by other termite owners, desperate for some human conversation. And, Con, it can be difficult to find a specialist of veterinarian who can perform operations on termites. So, I hope you've helped you make your mind up on that. Krill, of course, one of the great aquatic micro pets,

and they love being pets, Krill. I mean, they used to be lumped together in a blob of characteristics biomass for the delectation of hungry whales. But your krill at just one or two centimeters in length, we're not only fit in a standard pint glass without complaining, but we'll prove as loyal and grateful as any Labrador have been treated as an individual for once in its species-fucking life. Also, krill are impressively portable. You can take your emotional support krill with you wherever you go in a simple screw top portable nano ocean pod, complete with magnetic tide simulator

for just 999 pounds. One quick tip for crilloners, avoid using the phrase, I'm having an absolute whale of a time. And we also look at some of the books for micro-pet owners, including How to Deal with Ancients and Worried Worms, Moody and Hunting Tips for a Happy Micropet. How not to lose your plankton on a day out at the seaside?

And of course, the top selling book in the micropet market, the family friendly crustacean by PG Woodlaus. That's what we've been in the bin. What would you call your crib if you had a pet? I mean, I call it George Foreman. I call it George Foreman. Oh no, it seems that there will be silly not to call it that. I'm so happy with that. My question is, why did you leave out the major argument in favor of micro-pads is that

unlike dogs, they won't make social situations weird by trying to sniff people's balls. You've never seen a crillsniff someone's balls have you? Somebody hasn't watched enough of SpongeBob Squarepants. That's it ever. Yeah, you've got to be very late at night to see that one. Anyway, that section in the bid. Top story this week. Ukraine updates. And once again,

the invasion has not yet happened as we record Russia has still not invaded. It's continuing to insist. It's continuing to insist it's not planning an invasion Russia and to update last week's exclusive on the bugle about 140,000 Russian troops coincidentally choosing to holiday in the very, very Western Russian, Russia region. Further reports are now reaching us directly from the Russian army's military personnel brackets Hobbysk commander, Gramik Snitchkov, that the Russian military is, quote, seriously struggling with the logistics of an influx of 25,000 more heavily armed troops who descended on the Ukrainian border region after online reports of a sighting of a rare

carpathian purple-crested chaffinch out of its usual habitat. How are things in America at the moment with regard to the potential of an extremely awkward war. Yeah, it's very tense. There's a lot of anxiety. The US has threatened severe diplomatic retaliation against Russia. Like if they invade the Ukraine, the US might not let them keep hacking our election system. And using Donald Trump as a Russian sia to destabilize the West. So we might put an end to that. I think Russia is right to invade the Ukraine. Russia is worried about NATO's esports expansion, and frankly, I am too.

I don't know if you've seen my figure lately, but the conflict has been simmering for some time, and we all know what comes of simmering for some time. And we all know what comes of simmering gumbo. And I can't slim down on all this gumbo. The solution is right there in the Washington Post, more military exercises. We would call that gumbo diplomacy, I assume. Good cut.

Nice. So Ukraine's president is Vladimir Zelensky, who was a comedian before becoming president, which is bad for all comedians, because we are not well equipped to navigate sensitive diplomatic controversies as a comedian, his instinctive response to Putin is to say, leave me alone. I'm working here.

I don't go where you work at the Kremlin and Knox Lenin's medically preserved dick out of your mouth. Is this thing on? Get your bar staff and tank for gates. I'll leave you with this. Putin said that the Ukrainians and Russians are one people and turns out that the Ukrainians are not on the same page about that, which is why Russia must forcibly merge them into one people, the way that all one people have been created violently. So the whole thing feels very retro to me, like very like 19th century, great powers, geopolitical posturing. And it's very it's very modern, like people are into oldie-timey stuff, you know, everybody like small batch cocktails

and had like handmade things. And COVID brought back the Spanish flu with a World War One era. So somebody has to be archduke for a Dan for this. And and then we're in business. Well, any volunteers, be glist to email us in. Um, I do like the way NATO mentioned Trump and that whole, I always thought it was hilarious. The Trump said, you know, there's nothing Russian about me, no connection to Russia. And you think Donald Trump had a son called Donald Trump, junior. And he has a son called Donald Trump the third.

So inside the biggest Donald Trump was a smaller Donald Trump and inside him was a smaller Donald Trump. That's the most Russian thing that is possible. Poorly. Putin is clearly waiting for him to invade as well. He keeps saying different things every day. He's like, what happened in Donbass? This is genocide. Let's invade. There's no evidence of that. And then he said, well, I look at those two shells landing in the net. Let's invade. That's no evidence of that. And then he said, well, look at those two shells landing in the net. Let's invade that completely made up. It's like, well, I have an undercooked chicken key ever once. Let's invade. Sorry, get Bobcat. Cut me off. Traffic. Let's invade. It's just the leaders in the Western, I was looking at the logic of this entire enterprise. And it's hard to understand the sanity of anyone who looks at a country whose most famous sons are the Klitschko brothers and goes, yeah, I reckon we could take those.

If you're not familiar with the Klitschko's, imagine someone has put an Easter Island statue on a sequoia tree. And that's what you get with those two lads. They're the hardiest looking lads in the history of the world. And people think, oh, you know, we can do the, I would just send one of them out. Just one of them out of the years. But the motivation seems to be to get you creating not to join NATO, right? So I'm surprised to borrow Shantz and just didn't say it to Zalinsky. Just sign an agreement to join, to never join NATO. And then Zelensky would go, but you know, then we're locked out forever. And then Boris would go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, see, it's an international treaty that you negotiate it yourself. So like, you can break that at any time in a very specific and limited way. I mean, it's cool. We do it all the time.

The great thing about having a leader like Johnson at this difficult time. And we've had various UK government ministers accusing Vladimir Putin of not being honest and truthful and claiming that supposed Russian de-escalation was disinformation or probably a straightforward light. And I think we're all learning the value of having government ministers who skills in detecting bullshit in a leader have been so thoroughly honed over such a long period of time. So I think the world is benefiting from the fact that Boris Johnson has been been setting this example for everyone to follow. Also, the UK Armed Forces Minister James Heapy said, and I'll make for anything a few days ago, he said that Europe is, quote, closer to war than at any point in 70 years, which it's simply slightly relabeling

the 10-year violent breakup of the former Yugoslavia as just a bit of 50 cuffs after closing time and the war in Ukraine that began eight years ago as military four play, which might be, might be more appropriate. There's also been a lot of talk about false flag attacks. A false flag is amongst many things, a technically very tricky, but potentially match-clinching maneuver in golf, memorably pulled off by Percival Snap, traditionally in the 1937 Empire match play at the Royal Clauston Club in his victory over the Great Henry Cotton, when his false flag resulted in a three-time open champion, hammering up perfectly weighted 180-yard approach shop

into the local churchyard, disrupting the funeral of a much-love granny. You know, if there is an invasion and the gas prices rock and even further, you'd have to think that the other major gas producing nations of the world will have serious leverage over the rest of the... I would imagine Qatar must be thinking, oh, oh, we're having our world copa rice. And we're having it our way as well. It's not in November, it's in July. The matches will be at noon, it'll be 90 minutes straight through and all the opposition players have to be ginger. It's coming home. It's coming home. Well, one curious aspect about the Russian buildup has been photos emerging of Russian tanks

with big letter Zs painted on them. And some confusion of exactly what those Zs are. Now, I mean, one possible explanation is that the Russian military have taken it upon themselves to publicize my forthcoming stand-up tour at the beginning this Friday, the 25th February in Lemington Spa, then onto Newcastle, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Barnard Castle and Sulford the following week, followed by more dates, which the end of March, at an eight-night run at Silver Theatre in May, details at at Andy's Olsen.co.uk. But that's not the kind of publicity I want. That is not the kind of franchise I am. I'm very much not a fan

of the Russian military, especially when it's massing a crap out of itself on the board of a neighboring country. Another possibility is that it marks vehicles where soldiers are having a pre-invasion snooze, so that the other tanks know not to play music too loudly. What is weird about this is that Zed isn't a character in the Cyrillic alphabet. So they're putting a character from a different alphabet, Anthestoth, which is, I mean, right up there with Amatateu is a Chinese symbol for serenity. It's not, it says Foknokal, you're an idiot. So one theory is that it's for Zelinsky, isn't it? That he's kind of public enemy number one amongst some of these,

the troops who are going to be invading, which one, well, now have a heck of a Canadian to fail, isn't it? Well, when the Scots finally invade England, they're going to be driving south with BJ, written on the side of the Lurilaris, which is going to make, so for us, a very interesting adventures on the layboys of the M1 as they drive down. Isn't Zed the name of Bobcat Goldthwaite's character in the police academy movies?

So, deep cut everybody, but Yeah. Deep cut everybody, but police state academy. Yeah. There's a talk that French President manual Macron has been trying to hammer out a deal with Putin to lead to a summit with Joe Biden. It's been reported differently in different British newspapers, depending on their attitude towards the continent. So if you can guess which of the following headlines is from the Guardian in which from the Telegraph, Macron pays wafer potential Biden Putin summit or Putin embarrasses Macron again. He win £5,000 if you can get that right. I'll have to pay it directly to yourself in cash.

So it has been reported that Putin has agreed in principle to summiting the shit out of all this shit with Biden followed by more chinwagon with with the other leaders Macron has said they will work with all stakeholders To prepare the content of these discussions now that's a strange term I mean, I'm a stakeholder this because I've a stake in the sense that I'm on balance opposed to World War 3 I don't know if I get an invite and a say, a saying this. I mean, how do you see the French invoices? It's simply kind of competitive who is having the most progress going on between various countries. Stakeholders could be a criticism of the current preparedness of the Ukrainian army.

the current preparedness of the Ukrainian army. What if Henry the Fifth Aging Corps? Oh, it was Aging Corps. It always comes back to that. Call it a go. Who had 20 minutes in? Who had 20 minutes? 20 minutes first Aging Corps. No?

I've got Donald Bradbury on 25. Bradman. I mean, Bradman. I don't know anything about Crickets. I reach too far and I say, I should say Graham Gooch or someone. Chris, are you raising your hand? Yeah, sorry. And I just thought like that there was breaking news about five minutes ago,

which might be relevant to the info that just basically saying Putin has now, or Russia, now recognizes the independence of the breakaway areas of Ukraine controlled by Russian separatists and he has apparently told the French and German leaders at one of their summits. So I don't know if that is irrelevant in or not. Well Chris, the question I have is how come you are the first with this news? I mean, how are you getting direct news from Vladimir Putin? And, you know, I mean, we've seen the Russian influence in elections, as we were mentioned earlier,

on and out of the piece that they've got a direct line to the producer of the bugle. I mean, I think there's many bugleers who have been part of the show for many years who would assume nothing less. And I am actually my background is blurred because I am currently in Kiev. The speeds that there's that Putin has also has a Chris Skinner p-tap. I mean I sold it to him. We all have one at all. I got it in a goodie bag.

Well if Putin is recognizing these the independence of breakaway areas of the UK, I'm going to recognise the independence of the rest of Russia as part of the United Kingdom, as all countries used to be. So, you know, to complete that game, Vladimir, if you want to come on the show and discuss it, just drop Chris on email or the only WhatsApp group. What's the name of the WhatsApp group? Top invasion ban. Putin the boot in. In terms of America's approach to this NATO, America's defended its decision to not impose sanctions despite Ukrainian presence,

Zelensky calling for the sanctions to be applied now. And Secretary of State Antony Blinken on CNN said, the purpose of the sanctions in the first instance is to try to deter Russia from going to war. As soon as you trigger them, that deterrence is gone. So essentially what he's saying is, you have to wait until they go to war. Otherwise, you won't be able to deter them from going to war. When is this, or America has now? No, I mean, America has, this is why it's promising that there's a summit on often.

Is that America's diplomatic secret weapon is Joe Biden getting on the phone with Putin and just saying, come on, man. Until peace breaks out. That's basically how Joe Biden does stuff. Operation Malarkey. Yeah. Like, they'll be, Joe Biden will launch into some sort of like rambling incoherent, like folksy tale about growing up in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And Biden and Putin will agree to peace just to get off the phone.

Because essentially what Blinker was saying was that the threat of sanctions is the deterrent, rather than the sanctions themselves, which he clearly knows, he knows what's in the sanctions and that they're f*** all use. So as long as we've only threatened them, Russia might think they're actually quite serious, but the problem is now we said it out loud. Russia knows that the emperor has no underpants on as the old tale goes. John Kirby, the Pentium Press Secretary, said on Fox News, if you punish someone for something they haven't done yet,

then they might as well just go ahead and do it. There's another reason for why America is not. I mean, I've been advocating this in criminal justice for some time, pre-served sentences, where you can put yourself in 15 years in jail, and then you can come out and essentially, you know, treat yourself. It seems to be which came first to chlorinate a chicken or the father Jay egg. It's like that expert Andy, I'm sure as a parent, Neil, do you have kids? No, as a parent, this is like the experience of disciplining young children using counting. Did you, did you do this where you would start, you're like, you're going to get a time out if I count to five. And then you never get to five. You just slow down the counting.

So you never actually reach five. That is pretty much the central plank of my parenting strategy. I mean, I was disciplined using that. My father would say, I'm going to count to five. And he'd hit me on two and then shout, never trust anyone. And that's how you make a comedian. San Francisco school news now and, well, NATO, obviously, the logical segue from the Ukraine Russia situation is to schools in San Francisco. Just bring us up

to date with what has been going because San Francisco residents have recalled three members of the city school board. It's the first recall vote in the city since 1983. Now 1983, you don't even need to tell you, NATO is the India first one, the cricket world cup. But why did that coincide with San Francisco stopping having these recall votes? it world cup. But why did that coincide with San Francisco stopping having these recall votes? Well, so the last recall vote was an attempted recall vote of then Mayor Dianne Feinstein now Senator facing so in her 90s who's also sundowning actively well on the Foreign Relations Committee. So, and that recall failed, and so San Francisco learned its lesson and set it aside until now.

And, you know, one of my least favorite things about elections, Andy, is that after every election, people talk about what they mean, and, everyone rushes to declare that the results of the election provide conclusive proof in support of whatever they already thought anyway. So whenever there's an election, if you're on the left, the election results confirm that politicians should move further to the left. If you're in the center, you should stick to the center only more so as if that were possible. And if you're on the right, the results come from the voters want to blow up the world. It's like here in San Francisco, our local basketball team is the Warriors. And it'd be like if after every single game that the Warriors won or lost, Andy's ultimate was paid $50,000 to write an essay about how

cricket is superior to basketball. And then everyone dropped everything for months to debate the point, forgetting that they had already done that the week before. And it's then like corresponded out to diners to interview warriors fans about their inexplicable intempathy towards cricket and wonder at length whether Steph Curry's out of touch with the sole of America by not playing cricket. So that's what our political coverage is like. And so we voted to recall three members of the school board,

all people of color in a special election. And it's been blown into a predictably stupid canary in the coal mine national narrative. Mike Pence tweeted about it that the woke left has spent years trying to agitate for a culture war, and they're going to lose it. Ted Cruz tweeted that the leftists who shut down schools for a year now claim anyone who wants schools open

is a white supremacist. Ted, it wasn't leftists who shut down schools. It was COVID, but if you're Ted Cruz, COVID is a socialist plague. Many recall supporters were well-meaning parents who have valid criticisms in the school district and they identify as liberals who care about science and immigrant rights and racial equity and they just happened to hate the three people of color on the school board so much that they're willing to go on news networks to the right of Fox to promote it rather than waiting for the next scheduled election which is later this year. Perfectly normal rational behavior. The big issue that they

are upset about is that the schools were closed for longer than they thought they should have been during COVID, and so they wanted to recall the school board for not reopening school sooner, except that schools are open now and have been since August. And so it's a little bit weird to like recall people in February, instead of voting them out in November for not reopening schools last February instead of August. If you're mad at government for doing something more slowly than you think they should, you are in for a lot of heartache. I don't know if you have, do you have school boards in the UK? It's like, it's a very weird system where we elect a group of volunteers

as the governing board of local school districts. These are volunteers who spend five hours a week on hearings. They have no staff. They're the embodiment of phoning it in. They make high-level policy, but the bureaucrats mostly run things. Like my dad worked for the San Francisco School District for 35 years. And I asked him if the school board ever did anything that affected him in any way and he burst out laughing. Yes, in America, any idiot can be and has been president. But at least he gets a salary in a house. So there's some incentive to keep it together. It speaks to how little we think of children as a society. They were willing to put billions of dollars in educational

oversight as to train children to be functioning cogs in the capitalist machine to a bunch of volunteers who are free to look at porn on their phones while voting on what math curriculum to teach. And they're going like, yeah, I want to go up the asymptote. So recall in San Francisco was motivated by middle class white and Chinese parents. And this is one of the issues was that the high school that's considered San Francisco's most elite public high school, the student bodies almost all white and Chinese. And the school board voted to change the admissions policy to make it easier for black and Latino students to attend. And letting black and Latino students attend a good school

was a dangerous precedent that had to be stopped. So one of the school board members who was recalled as a black mom named Al Allison Collins, and before she was in politics, she tweeted in 2016 about her own experience with anti-black racism in the Asian community. And she was subsequently didn't announce as being anti-Chinese. And the Chinese community of San Francisco was so offended by her comments about anti-blackness in the Chinese community that they called her the N word of million times.

So, the conservatives are crowing about how like even in liberal San Francisco blow a blow. But it's not like San Francisco has moved to the right. In San Francisco, today, you can go on the street and you can see a homeless guy shooting heroin into his dick while shitting on a pit bull, holding a leash made of barbed wire and he's still wearing a mask. This weekend was the Chinese Lunar New Year parade and I went to watch and there was a counter-protester with a bullhorn shouting about repenting your sins and accepting Jesus and he was wearing an immigrants or welcome your t-shirt. So last thing, the recall campaign had about 35% turnout.

And the school board members were recalled by over 70% of the vote. By contrast, the November 2020 election had 86% of the turnout. This means that they were like first elected with 112,000 votes and recalled with 94,000 votes, but they're calling it a mandate. And to paraphrase Gil Scott Heron, the first thing I want to say is mandate my ass. Like yes, technically you could say that me and Kevin Hart have both, quote, sold out tour dates, but his shows were in a stadium and mine were in a legal theater in a basement. Someone lived in with a guy in a bathrobe walking through the gig during my expertly crafted jokes.

No, no, the recall is not assigned. The San Francisco is moved to the right, but is a good reminder that white liberals will play footsie with fascists if you inconvenience them in any way at all. And Futsi with Fascist is obviously the band that Andy was in college. So Tutsi with Fascist was so terrific, Dustin Hoffman film. Futsi with Fascist is a financial recommendation if you're gonna invest in the stock market. If we're looking at this from the outside and just reading the odd newspaper

article, it seems NATO that the right wing press went absolutely crazy over this and gone. Liberals are losing their job in the most liberal city in America. Oh my god, this is like the time that fell from Hamas, one RuPaul's drag race. And it was just like, it's a little bit more complicated than I even reading the odd article from outside. What I would say as the only non-parent on this, on this particular podcast is that you people lost your mind when the school slows. And even involved in homeschooling. I met my brother, right? And he was just like, they got open the schools. They got to open the schools. I was like, Rory, it's Christmas day.

I don't care. They got to open the schools. I mean, we're all going to get Amocrone anyway. Like if you meet someone with Amocrone, you get Amocrone. If someone rings you and they have Amocrone, Amocrone comes down the line. If you're watching the French president and you go, oh, Amocrone, you get Amocrone.

I'm telling you, we're all going to get it. And he's like, I kept, I didn't bump into him the next day. He's like, I'm sending the kids to school. I don't care if I have to glue a snorkel to my nine year old face and have him drinking dead all out of a hip flask like a nantiseptic Oliver Reed. He's gone into it. You people, you parents lost all reason

at some point during this pandemic. Winter Olympics news now and all over, the Winter Olympics has finished with the traditional call for peace, the IOC president Thomas Batkall for political leaders around the world to be inspired by the athletes example of solidarity and peace. And the International Olympic Committee calling for peace after two of its last three winter Olympics and parallel Olympics have been in Russia and China. I mean, that doesn't sit ease. I was like handing out a Lifetime Award for Services

to Conservation that we really must look after our planet awards whilst wearing a still bleeding rhinoceros skin onesie. It's wrong on numerous levels. It's been a kind of sad and awkward Olympics in a lot of ways. One of the saddest and awkwardest of all time, I think, is as a sports fan. And Thomas Bax said, the unifying power of the Olympic Games is stronger than the forces that want to divide us. Now, I love sport as much as the next person, assuming that the next person is also looking for any and all available means of avoiding reality. But he is flat out wrong about that. The Paralympics

is not stronger than the forces that want to divide us. I mean, the Winter Olympics sports give physics a bit of a chasing, but they cannot compete with vast global geopolitical vested interests. And they should stop trying, frankly. Have you enjoyed the games either kind of politically in terms of a means of sports, watching a nation's reputation and ignoring genocide or just from the spectacle of seeing people do quintupled some assaults off the side of a mountain? Well, the first thing we have to say is congratulations to team GB under our curling metals. Yes. I don't know how familiar you are with that curling net, but it's the big one in the UK. Even as an Irish person, we know it's curling. Oh, it's the one they all want to win.

A sport invented by people too silly to notice the temperature dropping when they were skimming stones across a lake and invented in you sport. Well, no, no, I mean, you say that, no, but I think it's just showed what we can achieve as a nation in winter sports, as long as they don't require anyone or anything to move them all the one mile an hour, then we're right in business. Looks like an independent Scotland on the way up to me. That's what that's what the Carly said to me. But like this, you're right about back. What is he saying?

Like this, there was a diplomatic boycott of this. Diplomatic boycotts are not enough. Countries have to decide if they have moral foretitude or not. The Republic of Ireland has boycotted the 2022 World Cup in Qatar by not qualifying for us. We did the same for the Russian World Cup in 2018. We boycotted the 2014 World Cup in Brazil over Bolsonaro's damaging presidency. And that was a full four years before he even announced his candidacy for the job. That is commitment. We boycotted South Africa in 2010 over their historical support for a fact in Germany in 2006 for you know what.

Now, Japan and Korea in 2002, they were grand. So we went there. So we stoke by our guns and other countries have to do the same. And frankly, all this talk about diplomacy is just a distraction from the real story of the Winter Olympics. And you know what I'm talking about. Yes. I think we know this is going.

And this was an epic headline. Well, it's an epic headline. And I'm sure many of you listening to this, Googleers, you will have already seen it, and I know we've been tweeted it by around about 98% of our listeners, I think. The Finnish cross-country skier, Remy Lindholm, suffered from a frozen penis. And there's no real way suffered from?

Well, I mean, enjoyed it. Well, I guess I mean, he encountered it essentially. What happened was the 50 kilometer cross country race was reduced to 30 kilometers because it was too cold to be outside for that long, even at the reduced length, sorry, that is the wrong, sorry, that is a poor term to use in this story. In home, his trausereal trouble had on, became frozen, it did become frozen however, he didn't let it go, and he applied a heat pack to his plonker to defrost his drongle thus saving his salamadril.

But the key part of this, I think, is not the fact that a cross-country skier suffered a frozen penis. He did warm it up afterwards and described the pain as quotes, unbearable. The key part is that he did this whilst finishing 28th. Now, I fully understand that elite sport requires sacrifices. But if you're

going to freeze your cock off, you better get a f***ing medal, frankly. 28th on a frozen penis, that is a very bad combination. That is a tough sport. And he sport where you have to defrost your own cock after an event is serious. I know you like cricket, but never in the toughest match of the most competitive ashes of all time, has a player had to insert himself into a microwave, like a penile pot noodle to recover. The skier, Remi, which rhymes with semi, which is even better, he said, like he said, the heat pack onto his bits to warble. I assume that they thought all of them out, right? It wasn't just that bit and it just made a tiny little tinfoil blanket, like after you run the marathon from the wrapper of a kick-out. It's just... Like, it's so... I can't even imagine code like that.

Not even in the most harrowing part of Scott of the Antarctic Diaries. Do you see anything like this? There's no pageories like, there's much to be learned from the adventure so far. Captain Oats has made the ultimate sacrifice as he walked into a blizzard after his dongle became frozen like a popsicle. Our coxical as one of the Husky's said it. They're very clever dogs Huskies. Did he finish the race with a shot on?

Really show. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. We were going to have a royal news section, tough week for the royal family. The Queen has contracted Covid after two of her sons are in various varying types and depths of trouble. The Queen has been tripled jabbed with a special golden syringe made from the melted down golden cod piece of King Arthur himself. But the fact that she's been tripled jabed does suggest we don't entirely trust the efficacy of our national anthem. But we will have a full report on the Royal Family in next week's bugle if we can be asked. Anyway, don't forget to come to all of my tour shows starting in Lemmington Spa on the 25th of February.

All the other dates, including the May run in the SOHO Theatre are on the internet. Do you have anything to plug, Neil? Yes, I'm doing the SSE Arena in Belfast on Saturday night. And I'm also on all the socials at Neil Delma Company. NATO. At NATO Green on Twitter, Mr. NATO Green on Instagram, I have a couple albums out at the NATO Green Party, the Whiteness Album, please buy them on bandcamp, which is where

the most of the share of the royalties go to the artist. Thank you for listening, Bughlers. I will now play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them to make a one off poor current contribution. To keep the bugle free, flourishing and independent, go to buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Owen Kendler really enjoyed a recent seminar but was left frustrated by the fact that he was then unable to attend a full-scale NAR. It was great, Sezouin, informative and engaging, but why they stopped at just the semi-nar of no idea. It sounds like NARs would be absolutely awesome. I mean sure, some might not need to be the full 100%, but surely their scope

for at least some to go past the 50% point, frankly, unbaffled. Neil Franklin has been studying both science and musical instruments and has formulated a theory that there may be an extra category of undiscovered instruments that lies equidistant between brass and strings. It's like the Higgs boson of the orchestra for me, says Neil, of no idea what it is, but it'll probably sound like a cross between a trombone and a viola, but if the trombone was corrugated and the viola had marshmallow stuffed under its strings, I'll have to do some experiments though, it remains theoretical at this point.

J. Francis has been wary of the word overjoyed, ever since winning a school terrapin describing competition and walking off with a bar of chocolate as the first prize. You must be overjoyed, ever since winning a school terrapin describing competition and walking off with a bar of chocolate as the first prize. You must be overjoyed," said a well-meaning teacher. In correct replied Jay, I'm exactly the right amount of joy. And to be honest, second-place Ian looks distinctly underjoyed. There's no shame coming second to my terrapin describing skills. The teacher called Jay something quite rude, and ever since then Jay has driven not to take language too literally. Amanda Fraser can understand the psychology of making race horses where sheepskin nosebands,

but frankly does not approve. Look, I get that if you stick a bit of one animal on another animal's face and tell it to run as fast as possible, it is going to focus the mind of that second creature, who's going to think, if I don't shift it big time, I'm going to end up like that. I assume that's the thinking anyway. But, conclude the matter, I think it should be possible to coax an animal to perform at a elite level with inspirational speeches about the pursuit of glory for Glory's sake. It certainly worked with my friend Brian's gerbil when we raced it against his scale extra car. And finally, Reese Charlton was wondering wondering the other day whether someone being arrested

at a protest who had a banner with a parn or other joke on it could claim quiplimatic immunity. I do hope so, says Reese, although I've heard that Riot Police tend not to be in the mood for jokes. I also hope that when they then ask you to tell them your name and address, you could point at your joke and say, sorry, I'm subject to a gagging order. It might lighten the mood. Concludes weeks. Here end if this week's lies, but before we go, here's a promo for a show produced by former bugle producer Tom for ABC in Australia featuring science, jokes, scientists and comedians.

Hi, I'm Andy Mathews. And I'm Alistair Trumbly-Birtchell. And we're here to remind you that the pop test that comedy science quiz show from Radio National is back. Each week we pick a science topic in our comedians and scientists important questions like Why might you stir your tea at 28,000 rpm? We're on Earth! There's time I'm travel the slowest! And what so suspicious about being left-handed?

With guests Sean McCall of player Hooper, Cal Wilson, Dr. Alan Duffy and Sammy Shah. The pop test. Hear it now on the ABC Listen app or almost anywhere you get your podcasts.