The Bugle - The Sweet, Sweet Bumhole Of Space – Bugle 4103

Episode Date: April 6, 2019

Don't let the title confuse you, there's PLENTY of Brexit in this podcast. Andy Zaltzman welcomes Tiffany Stevenson to the studio. Don't worry though because they still find time to talk about the titular Bumhole.With:HelloBuglersTiffany StevensonRich Jarman Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers. I am Andy Zoltzman. Am I? Any more?

Could I have another vote on it? Or am I lumbered? Or what my parents decided to do with my name 44 years ago? That's, yeah, and I'm happy with that. Anyway, but the point is, this is, uh, issue 4103 of the bugle, the audio newspaper for a visual world that remains the one fully reliable source of independently biased, unashamedly fact-free truth in these turbulent times.

It is... Brexit day! Happy Brexit day everyone! The 29th of March 2019! No sleeps till Brexit... Hang on, I am just being informed. It is no longer, it is no longer break today. This was supposed to have been the day, in which Britain blasted itself off into a glorious new future, unlike a thus Soviet space dog moment of national liberation. Instead, it has been a day when our democracy has been upheld, produced, twisted, reluctantly forced to do its job, betrayed, liberated, held hostage, and or dressed up in a gimp mask and made a clack-lack of chicken, deletes held hostage, and or dressed up in a gimp mask and made a clock like a chicken, delete, according to preference, and or newspaper of choice.

Anyway, two weeks ago, it was two weeks ago until Brexit. Now it is two weeks to go until Brexit again, or is it seven and a half weeks to go? Now it's two weeks, it's seven and a half, now it's two weeks, it's eight minutes, it's 40,000 years, it is now X weeks till Brexit. More on this later, joining me today to discuss It's eight minutes to it's 40,000 year, it is now X weeks till Brexit.

More on this later, joining me today to discuss the latest excitement here in London, Tiffany Stevenson. Hello. Hello, Tiff. I'm laughing because what's the option? I'll be crying otherwise, right? Yeah, the two are mutually incompatible. No.

You have to go at both. No, I was really enjoying the idea of having a slice of Brexit day, K, and singing Happy Brexit Day to, yeah, we're not going to get to that. We're not going to get that, and we'll come later on to some of the things that have been said about what was supposed to be happening today by the big fans of Brexit that aren't happening. Also joining me today, Sense and Reason, welcome to the, oh, they've left. And also joining us today later on for an exclusive interview in the Bugle Soundproof Safe, former Prime Minister David Cameron. We'll be very

anxious to hear what he doesn't have to say on the matter. As always, some sections of the Bugle are going straight in the bin. This week, city improvements section, we're looking at some of the exciting new city improvement projects around the world. Recently, London was rocked to its core by the failure of the Garden Bridge project to get off the ground when London slightly understandably decided that there were two things that it did not need more of. One was Gardens, and two was Bridges, and emphatically three was a garden and a bridge in the same place. But other schemes have been announced to soup up various urban landscapes, including for London. This is very exciting.

Volcano for London. What? That is going to focus mind, isn't it? As there's going to be a 3,000 meter high volcano, it was promised in Brexit if you read it backwards. Well, absolutely hammered. Get my hands on some of that sweet magma. Yeah.

And at least it's achievable Yes, it says it's as achievable as The undefined Brexit that people were promised Also a glacier for Los Angeles that could do that because they've got a lot of Waterways and and fires got to help tropical rainforest for Oslo and a desert for Dubai But importantly a fake one because it'll just fit in better with everything else there. Also, in the bin this week, documentaries on the global problems of fictional beings caused by global warming predominantly.

There's a lot of talk about how these things are going to affect people and real creatures, but we don't hear very much about the devastating effects of global warming on some of the fictional characters that have been popular around the world. And there's some interesting documentaries that have come out recently, including a Poke lapse now. Could global warming kill off the Pokemon? Latest science suggests that up to 550 Pokemon could die if temperatures rise above two degree centigrade above their pre-industrial levels. That's why you got a catch them all. Yeah. Exactly. What if it happens?

Well, then you can treat them safely and get them to breeding captivity. GNOME. Oh, no. GNOME mass. An infestation of garden lonesome in Mexico brought about by climate change could lead to the disastrous side effect of known noise being reduced to unsanctioned boxing bouts in which like the great boxer Roberto Duran, they may be forced to say no mass and that's a bit of a stretch but you know such I'm a product of my times I just don't know what to do with my elf Elves very poor in hot weather.

And finally, Ferry crossed with Morsi. That's a fan for fans of 1960s. Football, so- Liverpool, and Sons. Ferry crossed with Morsi is about a secret project to save the world by crossbreeding a ferry with the former Egyptian President Mohammed Morse. Those sections, we are recording on, as I said, the 29th of March, and there's been a lot of upset, if that Brexit has been cancelled, because this would have been

the absolute perfect day for Brexit to happen. I've touched on this. Some shining. Well, it's more the historical importance of this date in human and British history. And this specific one I've touched on before, the anniversary of the Battle of Tauten in 1461 in the Wars of the Roses, the single most violent day of fighting in history of the British Isles, 28,000 people killed in a single day of hand-to-hand combat. And what a great anniversary for Brexit to happen a day in which this country tore itself apart in a child's political dispute? Yeah, and we're not limited to Yorkshire and Lancashire this time.

No, exactly. So we can spread it around. Spread the hate. Also on this own galleries. On this day in 845, Paris was sacked by Viking raiders. And their leader, Ragnar Lodbrock, apparently collected a huge ransom in exchange for leaving. If that is not a preemptive Brexit metaphor from history, I don't know what is.

In 1632, the Treaty of Saint-Germain was signed in which the city of Quebec, in, well, modern-day Canada, was returned to French control after the English had seized it in 1629. So yet another thing, we had control of for three years and f***** up completely and lost control of it. Brexit through history, just over and over again, what a day this would have been. Top story this week? Well, I mean, this is the top story. It feels like I've already covered a lot of it. And before we've even got to the beginning of the,

and again, that seems appropriate. This has been a week in which British politics desperately has tried to shove David Cameron's unwanted baby back into our political wound. Parliament has locked itself under cupboard and swallowed the key, which doesn't mean there's no way out. It just means that the way out is very unappealing and potentially very, very messy indeed. All kinds of things happen to have another vote today and the government has been defeated for a third time. That third and final banana I talked about to a reason I'm throwing at the burning petrol station

has proved ineffective. And it's reached the stage, Tiff, where news is kind of bizarre situation where things are happening incredibly quickly and at the same time absolutely nothing is happening at all. Yes. I mean, I've been doing satirists for high this week at Soho Theatre.

And I was on stage while the indicative votes were happening on Wednesday. So, you know, I was sort stage while the indicative votes were happening on Wednesday. So I was sort of having to keep track of what was, and things are changing so far, incidentally, two more Brexit special satirists for harshos on the 10th and 11th of April. Yet there are some benefits from Brexit being delayed, tickets available on the internet.

It's really news changes so fast that now, sometimes my swear words are out of date. By the time they've gone from my mouth to my television screen. And I find myself jumping out of my sofa saying, oh shit, I've called the wrong cunt again. Is it worth pointing out at this point that your kids are next door doing the recording? Talk about context. It's entirely justified. I'm twat. Nothing they have not heard before. In context. context is entirely justified. That's what's up. Nothing they have not heard before.

Oh. In context. In context. Yeah. In context. Theresa May is wandering around at a party that everyone's left, you know. Everyone apart from the host and they're made who are clearing up roundo while she wildly swigs punch and still desperately tries to get a f**k on. Hi kids.

Family. Family content. I mean, it's sort of like I thought when I came back, was I've been aware at the beginning of the year, I thought when I come back, it'll all be sorted, or we'll have reached peak Lord of the Flies, you know, where the conscious has been smashed and the maggots are coming out the pigs at it. And don't anyone mention Cameron because he'll get very excited by the whole idea of it. The maggots coming out of the pig's head, I think might have been a headline in the Daily Mail, actually, about the Parliament trying to do its job.

So this is the Cliff Edge Brexit, which Donald Tus mentioned. The Cliff Edge Brexit, which I like to call the Thelma and Louise Brexit, right? So I thought we could maybe play out all the different potential much like in Wayne's World. They have the Thelma and Louise ending. They have four or five different endings. So I thought we could sort of play those out, but you need to do the... Before we do it. That could be the perfect compromise, actually, just a sort of national time machine and just play out different versions of Brexit. Just keep coming back. Yeah. Everyone's a winner. Well in Wayne's world they had,

there was the Scooby Doo ending, do do do do do do, which is where we pulled the mask off to Resume, discover she was a ghost the whole time, a ghost who was haunting herself. She has got that looking at face. I mean, I was thinking a similar, a long similar lines that I think she might have a voodoo doll of herself. Oh, wow, yeah. That she's forgotten about and has just left

in accidentally in a knife drawing down and sort of like whenever anyone puts a knife back in the knife, anyway. Yeah, and it's wearing that strong and stable bite chain necklace that she's so excitedly. Oh, there's the sad ending. Doodle doodle doodle doodle. That's where no one gets a trade deal and your ex girlfriend turns up pregnant

That's what happened in Wayne's world. Stacy turned up and said I'm pregnant. That's why I've been such a bitch So that would be David Cameron's unwanted child that you were talking about Or there is also the ridiculously happy ending which is after millions of people march and sign petitions We withdraw article 50 and we can all get on with our lives and figure out how to prevent catastrophic climate change. There's the ridiculously happy ending. Yes, but I mean, that's, I guess, the good thing with going through with Brexit is we can choose the exact pace of Armageddon that suits Britain best.

And take back control of the end of the world. Yeah, to our schedule, our timeline. Well, that's, that was what Tusk said. Tusk said, eight, the 12th of April is the new 29th of March. Right. So, so many, like it's farcical, like you could, like it sounds like I'm making it up, but that's actually what he said. 12th of April is, April is the new 29th of March.

That's good to know, because that's handy for my tax return. Like if time has no actual meaning anymore, we're just, I'm just gonna say January 14th, 2025, is the new September 29th, 2019, which is my birthday this year. So that means I'm just not gonna age for five years. So Brexit is using the Caprice model for time, which is state 27 forever.

I think I've actually Britain as a nation has aged about 400 years in the last three years. So with today's vote, this was the third effort to get Theresa May's deal through. They made a non-meaningful vote in an effort to hope people think, oh, it's just a bit of fun. That didn't work. Shit and giggles. Like a snog marry avoid in the pub or snog marry kill, whatever. Yes. David Davis formed a Brexit secretary before he stood down to spend more time with his overall and the extensive incompetence said, said the Prime Minister still had a decent chance of getting through. This was before the vote. and the alternative was, quote, a complete cascade of chaos.

I mean, that's the alternative. It is a complete cascade of chaos versus the complete cascade of chaos. That has happened. That has already happened and is currently happening. Well, we should remember this is the same David Davis who said that the deal was effectively done. It was 90% there. And I'm like and my contraceptive pill was 90% there. That doesn't mean I'm not gonna get f**ked. So I don't think we can trust anything. David says, I mean, and also, isn't this not the worst job in politics now

to have been the Brexit Secretary at some point? Yes. Although I guess it's one of those jobs where, in a way, you can be fairly confident and whoever succeeds you is going to be even worse, given that it gets more and more impossible for more you fuck it up. Yeah, it must be up there with being

Piers Morgan's proctologist. That's a lovely image, Tiff. Yeah. But interestingly, people were swinging behind Theresa May's deal, including the likes of Boris Johnson and Jacob Reece Morgood. Basically, it was the end of humanity humanity as we know it, this deal, but it was less the end of humanity than no deal happening. This seems to be the... No one is suggesting that Brexit is just

cancelled. People are suggesting maybe have a second vote, and that may then lead to. But no one is suggesting it's, you know, nothing or the deal. But this seems to be the way it's presented a lot of the time. And it lost by less than the previous votes on the same, essentially the same. And I guess it's that situation isn't where the closer you get to the ground, the more tempting that parachute made of lettuce becomes. Why not just give it a go? So it's a state of not kind of agreement with it, but sort of panic quiescence

That's a great word. Thank you. That should go in the urban dictionary panic quiescence Well, Theresa may say in her speech today before the vote that's voting for the deal avoided a cliff edge It does raise the question why it was that she set our national satnav to find largest possible cliff. That is a question that remains unanswered. My favourite words are that they came from Scottish National Party member parliament, Deedry Brock, who said, this pile of manure we're being offered is the appetizer of the slurry to come. I think that is. But then I guess from

manure and slurry, great crops may grow. Yeah, shit makes the flowers grow, as they say, as the old expression says. How long is this now? Because I feel like Theresa made a speech and she said three years ago, the British public let it. I once flirted with a guy in my office for two years before finding out he was gay. And that was less of a waste of time than this entire process has been like, imagine all the things we could have got done, especially then someone like Dominic Rab, who's come back today and said he backs the deal. The same deal that he was like, no, I'm quitting being the secretary because I can't in all good consciousness back this deal that I've spent two years negotiating and been in the room for the entire time. So now I think the only reason any of those conservative

MPs are going to decide to back the deal is because Theresa has agreed to step down once the deal is done. Yes. So it's now like political maneuvering for many of those putting themselves in the position of becoming the new PM. Well, I'm just going to pick you up on one thing there. You say the government has got nothing done because of this Brexit. Actually, there was a report out this week that showed that in work poverty is now affecting 2.9 million children in Britain. So even in the midst of Brexit, the government has still found time to achieve one of its core policy goals. So depressing. So creepy. Just some breaking news actually, just coming through. Well, you say Theresa May has offered to resign. That clearly wasn't enough to get the deal over the lunch. She's now offered to be defenestrated. Next Wednesday to be held out of a window

into a pile of manure in the old 17th century style. See if that will help. Also, the government has just announced a leap year by which they mean not just an added day within a year, but an entire added year that will take place between tomorrow and the 30th of March 2019 as it will become. The Donald Tusk time. A year's time machine. Some resignations to resume frown has just resigned, starting excessively long hours in the pressures of media scrutiny. The concept of objectivity has quit, saying it's realised it has no place in the democratic process anymore, and a preemptive

resignation from the Conservative MP Strileus Buttclark, the MP for West Frobyshire, has just preemptively resigned as Prime Minister, saying, if I ever become Prime Minister, I'll probably f**k it up, so I'm just getting it out of the way now. And just hearing, this could be a real game changer. The Queen has just been overheard in Buckingham Palace shouting, f**k this sh**, while strapping on a suit of armour and getting a big ax out of the family cover. I mean, if Brexit is a cliff-edge Brexit and we're going over, let's just get Prince Philip to drive the car. So, guarantee it will happen.

It is so baffling this as a... Well, it's got a democracy fanny, I love democracy. No, everyone's perceptions of democracy. I think we've learned a lot about the inherent flaws in our democratic system. And we've basically just sort of left it essentially unattended. It's not been nurtured, it's not been modernized, and it is now blowing up in our faces. And this attempt to push this deal through again was not so much papering over the cracks

as smashing around the cracks with a sledgehammer. So you can then point at the original crack and say, not so bad after all, was it? Do you not having the moments that I'm having, like the other morning I woke up, remember I was British, felt embarrassed, went back to sleep. Like, at this point, we're just so humiliating

that the rest of the world must be looking at us thinking, what exactly are they doing? Even America at this point. And that is not something that anyone wants to hear. There's been a lot of talk of betrayal this week. The Daily Mail's front page today said 11pm tonight was meant to be the moment Britain became a proud sovereign nation once more. And to give that some context, you know when and Britain was last a sovereign nation, Tiff? I would say like probably 1996 when I was hanging out with my mates in Weatherspoons.

It was a lot of sovereigns then. It was. It was in fact at the start of this sentence. That was when Britain was last a sort of actually, actually, that is now already out of date. We've always been a sovereign nation, even within the EU. Let's try to make that clear. Unless they've been regaining our sovereignty from unaccountable newspapers with a political agenda,

but I'm not sure they necessarily mean that the express went with Britain was to have been freed from the shackles of the EU, those shackles that have held us back so grievously that we are the fifth biggest economy in the world, up and down exactly zero places, since we joined the European Common Market in 1973. But we'll be free. Free from these shackles, free from the tyrannical imposition of peace, trade, high living standards, improved human rights and predictably shaped fruits and vegetables.

Freedom! Freedom. Some extraordinary things have been said by our politicians this week during the various various debates Jacob Riesmog, the man of the people that he is, had to go at Nick Bowles on of the MPs behind the indicative votes move that made Parliament do what it is emphatically resisted doing for so long which was to discuss the options in a mature and grown-up way and Riesmog accused Bowles who went to Winchester College, one of Britain's leading and most expensive private schools. Jacob Riesmog went to Eaton, one of Britain's leading and most

expensive private schools. And he said that Bowles had made a wickimist, which is the whole fashion term, for someone who went to Winchester, a wickimist point, highly intelligent but fundamentally wrong. He then accused Old Etonian, Oliver Lekwyn of being more winchester than Eaton. So it is good to see him standing up for the ordinary man in the street. Yes. The ordinary old Herovian in the quad. In the quad? For all the store boaters out there.

Someone is at least... I went to a private school and I'm a white middle class man. I've basically had all the advantages life can possibly throw at me, but at last someone is standing up for people like me in Parliament. So just to remind people, Theresa made sort of kind of quit as Prime Minister without actually quitting. She said she will quit if the deal gets through. Quite why that would make it mean that she should get the deal through. It's not entirely clear. And as Pete Wischart, the SNP has memorably said,

she threw herself on her sword and missed. It is just extraordinary. People I saw also described as her having made a Faustian pact to get her deal through, but the difference is Faust has got 24 years of magical powers. Yeah. Not another afternoon of floundering around doing f*** call. Yeah, maybe it's a bad deal.

It's been a term of a bad deal. It's a bad deal. You don't know how many fields of wheat are in those future years. Maybe that's part of the deal. Maybe she's going to be frollicking fields of wheat forever more. So who's in the race? They're talking about Saji Javad? Yes. Well, I mean, Boris seems to be, as you say, one of the front runners,

just doing some investigation into what might be better than Boris Johnson as Prime Minister. And a potato would be better than Boris Johnson as Prime Minister, according to scientists, an old rotting potato. Not even a sentient potato, just a potato. No, more chance of bringing the country together. Amber Rudd, poor Amber Rudd, always the bride's maid, never the bride's iller. I don't think she's got much chance. Gove is in the mix.

Gove is 100% that dude that promises to look after your girlfriend while you're away on holiday and then tries to slip at the tongue and get slapped. That's Michael Gove. Gove, I mean, famously, knife Boris in the back, whilst Boris was looking at himself in a mirror and Michael go just slightly to me comes across as someone who'd happily shoot off one of his own testicles if he could be guaranteed that bullet would

definitely ricocheting to someone else's not sack. Yes, I'm not sure he's entirely to be trusted with the entire future of the country. No, no, he's not he's not a good call. Who else is a Dominic Rob? Has sort of been floated as a possibility. I mean, it's all awful, isn't it? Pick which turds bobbing in the ocean in the municipal swimming pool. Which one of these?

No, that's what you want to fish out. In new sport, we could invent our second-goer Empire, sort of a spreading sport around the world. MUSIC There has been a lot of talk, if Brexit being stolen from the 17.4 million, a lot of talk about 17.4 million people who voted for Brexit. And this just irritates me on a profound level, because it instantly essentially says to, for example example the two million people who are now voting age you couldn't vote in Brexit that you are less important than a significant number of dead people.

It's other than think is a way to conduct democracy and it's almost like fix this bit of democracy in some kind of quagmire of permanence and unable to move on. I don't see a logical argument against a second referendum from either side, other than the fact that we have proved ourselves constitutionally and psychologically completely unable to deal with referendums. That is the one good argument for not having another one that we just aren't grown up enough for it. In Ireland, they just kept doing it, didn't they? So they got the answer. They won't hit. Well the other is what people say, that this is what happens.

But I mean, I think there's a second round here. I think there's a good chance of another Brexit vote. But at least we've actively decided to felmer in Louise, so over the cliff. Yeah, yeah, it's going to be. We've done it through choice. We haven't been nudged over by a truck. Well, I mean, that's the key thing with felmer and to be. We've done it through choice. We haven't been nudged over by a truck.

Well, I mean, that's a key thing with Felma and Louise. It's both Felma and Louise. I'd agreed on it. It wasn't Felma deciding it, and then tuned three years later, making Louise go through with it. No, they held hands, didn't they? That's right. And they went for it.

They cut their foot down. And yeah, drove themselves over, leaving Brad Pitt in the dust. I think it's, if it's nearly three years, it's stuff changes, information changes. Of course, there should be. I don't like the idea of calling it. I think I've said this before, people's vote. The people's vote.

I don't like that term. Because the people voted before. It's not aliens vote in this time. Like just call it the deal vote or the informed vote, whatever you want to do. But we can have another referendum. I mean, we're burning more money than if we'd have just decided six months ago to do a second referendum. Surely. Also, when it back to the 17.4 million, I don't think,

I've come to the conclusion that they were wrong. The 16.1 million who voted to remain of which I was one or so wrong. The people who got it right were the 12 million who voted to remain of which I was one, also wrong. The people who got it right were the 12 million who didn't vote, who looked at it and said, no, no, there's absolutely no way we can make this decision and why the f*** you asking us this. They're the ones that got it right. Yes. In fact, I think there's an argument if we have a second referendum, only people who didn't vote in the first referendum should be allowed to have a go.

The people who were too young and the people who are sensible enough to have no fucking part of it. Well, I did, I do remember saying, you know, people like me shouldn't be allowed to vote because I can barely rate a film on Netflix. It's hard, isn't it? To not have all the information at hand, you've got to do a lot of research. It felt like homework coming up to it. I was like, how does this affect business legislation? How does it affect me personally? How will it affect my family? It's a lot of democracy is a lot of work. That's why we pay them to do it. It's a lot of guesswork on both sides. It's clearly a massive risk that you, it's also a massive risk to stay in the EU. That is what life and politics

is. But this idea that Brexit is being stolen is complete and utter nonsense because everyone is suggesting a second vote. Nonononon is suggesting just cancelling it and Boris Johnson said justified his change of mind on Theresa May's deal which he'd said was completely catastrophic. And that's one other positive. We can just find a way of converting hypocrisy into electricity. The world is so. He said in the end, the thing I thought for may never happen because unless Mrs. May's deal is passed, he said, I genuinely think the House of Commons is going to steal Brexit, stealing it by giving people another vote.

And that's the mistake I always made in my days as a job in criminal, was when I was stealing something, I always gave people a vote on the thing I was about to steal. I would say, do you want me to steal your DVD player? They generally say, not really. And I say, okay, I won't then. Would you steal something else instead? You know, they often made me say, can you steal our old newspapers and put them in the green bin outside? It's fine. Democracy and action. And also, just the logic of it doesn't make sense to me, in which essentially it's a kind of conversation that goes roughly

like this. Well, Britain voted for Brexit. Yeah, but what you're being offered now isn't Brexit. So can we vote on the thing that isn't Brexit? No, because why not? Oh, because we voted for Brexit. So why aren't you backing it? Because it's not Brexit. So can we vote on the thing that isn't Brexit? No, why not?

Because we voted for Brexit. We'll be back the f***ing thing. It's not Brexit. Let me f***ing vote. Brexit. Not Brexit. Grrr. That is the conversation that Britain is currently having.

And it's one, it's one we haven't had a nervous breakdown. I did ask the boyfriend to have a look over a few things. Oh, yes. Someone to shed some light. So, Scottish boyfriend explains a hang. So the hang is, the government is a pure shambles, so it is, and they're dinnig kin, what they're doing, and they didn't get a f*** what we want. Six million folks signed the petition to revoke article 50, and one million took to the streets in London. And what does May have to say about it?

They say more, will the people leave means leaves, pish? But we have to keep fighting. And I came what you're thinking. A cany-fight. Well, remember this. Run, and you'll live at least a while and die in your beds many years from now. Would you be willing to trade all the days from this day

to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take a freedom. So I think you might have had a bit of a breakdown and just watched Braveheart. Also, can I just say that that Scottish accent there is better than anything Mel Gibson did in the entire film? Well, we now have to get some information from someone who's been rather more involved in the whole process, although not of late. It's great.

Pleasure to welcome to the bugle for the first time in the bugle soundproof safe, which we've not used for a while, but we've dug it out of the cupboard. And in the soundproof safe this week, I'm delighted to say, is the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and who called who called the referendum, David Cameron. David, thank you for taking some time out from what I know must be an extremely empty schedule. So David, you were the man who launched this political Titanic, who also booked the iceberg and who programmed the ship's autopilot to aim directly at that iceberg and who then

jumped into a speedboat and f***ed off. Any regrets about any of that process? Well, I mean, I think that is probably an accurate answer. David, this week also you've finally crawled out of the woodwork, the extremely expensive rare endangered pure Ebony woodwork in the form of a luxury treehouse varnish with pure snake oil. But you came out and said one of the few things you've said in public, since the referendum, you said there are four groups in Parliament, people who want the PM's deal, people who want no deal, people who want a second referendum,

and people who want a softer Brexit. And you said that the government needs to work together and compromise to get a deal. Do you think your intervention in any way helps? That is the correct answer. And what do you think will be the best thing for you personally to say to this country now? Again, I think you might have a point. It seems to me, David, that's, well, essentially in 2016, Britain was left naked alone in an empty room with nothing but a single electrical socket.

And eventually, at some point, we were going to put our penis in that socket. But my question to you, David, is why has it taken three years before Parliament has tried even to start negotiating about how we're going to bandage that electrocuted penis. Well, again, your silence is most illuminating. David Cameron, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. God, shit, the door's open all the time. BELL RINGS Well, that concludes our talk on Brexit for this week.

So I'd rather dominate the show. I think that is understandable this week, as it has been for most of the last few weeks. We'll move on now to space news if you are the Bugles space travel correspondent. It's my very exciting news in there. I am. I'm a leading correspondent. So this week there were plans

for the end of women's history month to have the first ever all female spacewalk. So do you just got to clarify that term? Do you mean the end of women's history month or the end of women's history month? I think a surprising number of people would still be in favour of. To celebrate, to commemorate the end of women's history month, we're going to fire two women into space. For the first time ever, two women were going to go on a spacewalk.

And then the plans for this have been scuppered because what happened was we had two female astronauts and one space suit to be fair which sounds like a terrible porno. One awful follow-up to two girls one cup. So NASA, much like the close shops are and need to standardize their sizing because they only had one suit that actually fitted a woman. You know what it's like, you want to walk in space but you just can't find the right outfit and before you know it you're in tears in a space dock having tried on three and swearing off booze for a month, just to drop a bit of the way. It's a real shame. And they seem to have just sort of brushed

past it and gone, yeah, we're doing other busy stuff, but this big historic moment that we were hoping for, not going to happen. Anyway, two men will go on a walk because that's not a problem because women boobs and periods and what if they sink on the walk, etc. I just, yes, slightly curious. I didn't plan that far enough ahead. They said there's only one size medium. Like it was literally there's only one size medium space suit. To reason, may I just suggest you to compromise in which no one has any space suits at all. suggested a compromise in which no one has any spacesuits at all. In other space news, America is going back to the moon. They'll announce suspiciously soon after the publication of the Mueller report that they're going back to the moon because,

well, I mean, there's a very simple reason why America is going back to the moon. And that is because China is going to the moon and India might be going to the moon. So it's just really the original moon landings all over again, if I may quote Neil Armstrong, one small step for a man, one giant f**k you to the commies. Just the take one. Take two there. What's the one I actually published? There was a great headline from barons.com, which just said, Trump wants to go back to the moon.

And I thought, is that where he's from? Because everything makes a hell of a lot more sense now. It does. Or so in that. If you launched that as a crowdfunding thing, how, and it would break the internet, wouldn't it? It would. It would beat the, with the Trump baby blimp. Well, I think what's happening at the moment is there's three billionaires. So this is, so Trump is, you know, there's there's there's push from like the government and everything else. But then we've

sort of got these rogue billionaires who want to enter the space race. And whoever wins it will become the first trillionaire, which doesn't sound like a real thing. I'm sure trillionaire was a character from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. But the first person that will make it into sort of space for shuttles for people, like space tourism, basically. So you've got a mask, a Branson and Bezos. Branson just yesterday, in fact, they did a Virgin's first intergalactic flight, presumably diverted via Birmingham, New Street. But it breached, it breached, you know, is it breached the atmosphere? I think it's called the, it's called the carbon line,

which is, which is, it's very complicated. I'll explain it just for, for people that aren't quite sure. The carbon line is the line between Earth's gravitational pull and zero gravity. For the less scientifically minded among you up at that and terms you'll understand, it's basically the space taint. The taint. The taint. The space taint, spacecooch. So for a mere 200,000,

Bezos is offering you the chance to escape the sweaty, stinking ball bag of earth into the sweet, sweet bum hole of space. In the words of Buzz Aldrin, that's why he didn't get to say the first line. In rehearsals, they didn't want to broadcast it. I'm so sorry, but 11 glorious minutes in the sweet, bumhole of space. How's a Neil Diamond, so, Molleck? So, yeah, they're all having a go. Bezos is called Blue Origin Flites.

Daniela Alice is having a week off this week. Oh, it's going to be a spare discon of stuff, too. It was a spare, a bummer reference. I don't know. Maybe Bezos is hoping infinite space will make his dick look bigger. I can't imagine how that will work. But it's it's probably a good idea to just fire all the trillion billionaires into space and then that gets rid of them, doesn't it? Well, I'm also be the reality TV show

to end all reality TV shows, isn't it? In other Trump news quickly before we wrap up for the week, Donald Trump has been celebrating his complete exoneration. As he's described it in the Mueller investigation by visiting all the people who used to work them who are now in jail because of the Mueller investigation. Still exonerated. Completely exonerated. Well, we have run out of time in the studio, there was much else to discuss. On Brexit and with the rest of the universe, which does still exist, apparently, it's quite hard to keep that in mind in heaven at the moment. I don't believe it does. I think it's just this. This is Groundhog Brexit from now until the end of time. Happy times. Thank you for listening,

Buegler. Don't forget there are more Sat's for higher Brexit specials at the so-ho theater in London on the 10th and 11th of April as a bugle live in Brighton on the 12th of April till anything to plug Yes, I've got a few previews of mother my new show that'll be taken to the Edinburgh fringe So just follow me on Twitter and I'll be putting those up But yes, if you, what around the UK? And to go and see Alice Fraser's superb new show at the Melbourne International Community Festival, if you are there.

Until next week, well enjoy whatever brings vomits onto your news plate. Oh, God, I've had enough. I've had, anyway, long lived democracy. Goodbye.