The Bugle - The Vegas Special

Episode Date: November 24, 2008

The 54th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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And in the beautiful city of Las Vegas. John Oliver. Oh, that was a joke. Hello, Douglas. Hello, Andy. I am in Vegas. I've been here for a few hours. This is my first time here. You know, I'm looking forward to so many things. Andy, the fake volcano, the neon pyramids. It is like humanity evolving backwards. I don't know what kind of man I'm going to be by the time I leave here Andy.

I might have gambled everything away and be working as a showgirl or a waiting table, stressors, a Roman centurion, possibly both. The point is, this city shows what humanity is capable of if it doesn't really try.

So more on Las Vegas later on, this is for the week beginning, Monday, 24th November, that means it is 149 years to the minute since Charles Darwin published his master work on the origin of species. The 149 years of passing tension and we still look pretty much the same as he did. Only most of us have learnt to shave. So we have to ask, what's he completely wrong about evolution? Or is it still too early to say?

I think if he took a stroll around Vegas Vegas he'd certainly look for a second opinion. Also 35 years to the day since the death of Lee Harvey Oswald, John and I think it's underage. Why on earth would anyone have wanted Oswald dead? Well, it's just right. It's just an ordinary guy. He's a perfectly pleasant man who made one mistake. Yeah. Listen, if we all got shot for one mistake,

there wouldn't be many of us around. Yeah? He was without presidential assassinations. Shoot the first bullet. So, I think it's time to ask, if Oswald was still alive today, would he have been president instead of Barack Obama? No, no. And if not, John, how long will it be before America

is ready to elect and obviously frame the assassins as its president? As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin this week, an architecture section, including as the credit crunch clamps its crunches, crispery and the world's crackers, is this the end of the house? Also, while buildings made out of ice will never really catch on globally, particularly in the horn of Africa, it's not so much the practicality of the melting issue, it's more a shortage of water. Also, with parents from Eastern Europe now sending their kids to be hot housed in special

architecture training camps from as young as the age of two, is it still possible for your child to become a top level architect without being permanently psychologically ruined? And also in a spellbinding interview, the famous architecture skeptic, Q Basil Cuk, the author of the best-selling audiobook, if the ancient Greeks were so f**king good at architecture, how can all their f**king buildings have f**king fallen down? Renowned as the most foulmouthed tirade against the Hellenic world ever recorded. In the interview, Cuk, argued that the difference between architecture and building is four-pipes of beer and a fluorescent jacket.

Also build your own skyscraper part one, the lift. Next week, the sound of wind on a 200 metre high roof. Top Story this week and pirate. That's right, this week's top story sounds like an episode of the bugle from the mid 1800s there's been a huge outbreak of attacks from Somali pirates off the african coast and can i just say quickly to those pirates thank you because i need just as i got to moralize with running jokes about the longest election in the history of voting for things up step a group full of people from the east of africa with a glinter their eye and a bus who could over there should have saying would you like to write some jokes

about pirates and andy my head said yes and my heart said yes yes i want to write jokes about pirates this started to hit the headlines this week with a particularly impressive piece of pirate booty the booty in this instance was a massive Saudi oil tanker bigger than their aircraft carrier carrying a hundred million dollars worth of oil. Are they apparently bought the boat, take the crew hostage, sail it back to Somalia where they buried the tanker, put a big X on the floor where they buried it and they draw a very complicated map so they can remember where it was. Well this is a problem with pirates taking oil, John, because if as pirates have to do, they do bury their loot with it being oil they're basically just putting it back where it came from.

They just return, it's almost giving it back like Robin Hood. And you know give it a few hundred years, they'll be a massive great war over it. Well if that modern pirates take the ships and the crew hosties then demand a ransom for their safe return, that must be what the parrots put on their shoulder have been squawking about. Baaah! Tenkiss of oil, ten tankers of oil tankers of oil polywants to run some

that's how they went is it june well it's uh... through the simole parrots high jacks the oil tanker serious star i forget where exactly uh... i think it was in the sea uh... it was in the sea and it contained uh... hundred million dollars worth of oil as john said sorry that's now ninety million that's eighty million dollars worth of oil there you go john a falling price of oil joke

and we're all week uh... that they've already been paid an estimated twenty million dollars in their ransom over the past year but even if any ships owners do consider the paris demand it always makes a very awkward exchange i have your money on putting the suitcase down now Now slide the tanker over to me. I'll go to the suitcase you're thinking. I'm driving in after the suitcase. Hold on to the tanker. I'll be back in a minute.

Well, that quite high tech now, John. I mean, it's not just Parrots and iPatches these days unless the Parrots is a GPS-enabled Parrots and the eye patch contains a small computer screen given the latest weather forecasts. And you know, if the parrots wouldn't leg can detect sharks, I guess that's going to come in handy as well. These parrots are armed to the teeth with machine guns and rocket power grenades. I mean, come on, rocket power grenades. These parrots have really up their game from my gimboglet copies of 18 and burning illegal Madonna feed data.

One successful parrot interviewed in an British newspaper said that these words first we'll look to buy a nice house in a car, then we buy guns and other weapons, the rest of the money we use to relax. So basically these pirates John are living the American dream. The problem area is off the east coast of Africa and in area known as pirate alley. Now really, can it seem to if you call it Pirate Alley, you're asking for trouble. I don't want to come off as unimprovating,

but it seems like they were warned. I knew a girl called Pirate Alley once. Did you? No. Pirate attacks have got so bad, Andy, that shipping companies are taking drastic measures, hiring private security, and even changing their shipping routes, suggesting sailing all the way around Africa. And the exact nautical term for that is going the f***ing long way

around. I'm pretty sure that's the phrase. I speak conversational C-Dog. It's basically the geopolitical equivalent of cycling the long way home to avoid the bullies house. Wasn't conversational C-Dog a hit rapper in the 1990s? Yeah, I believe. Well, I depends how you define hit. When you say an underground hit, but I don't think I've ever broke through into mainstream charts for success. Really?

If any bugle readers have been inspired by this story and want to become pirates themselves, we would remind you that it is against the law of most major oceans and seas. But if you do insist on doing it, we urge you to follow these essential safety precautions. Firstly, always wear a proper life jacket. Arm bands or water wings might be cheaper, but they're not as reliable in rough ocean conditions, and also they will undermine your authority

as a pirate. Also, ensure that at least one of your crew has a proper life saving qualification. When hijacking an oil tank at the dead of night, don't use old-fashioned gas lamps as illumination to add extra atmosphere. Make naked flames and cargo is full of oil, are an accident waiting to happen. And also remember that some species of parrots are endangered, so if you are caught you could face additional prosecution from the World Wildlife Fund. As one of the Saudi oil tanker, this week parrots also cease the Chinese cargo ship carrying 36,000 tons of wheat to Iran, and that is a lot of wheat in fact my god

i think the parrots may be preparing a trojan lof if a freshly baked pump and it will show up outside the gate of your city do not or repeat do not cut into it it is filled with pirates hold on terrible news coming in and the belgim has been taken by parrots that was poor belgim just love pump pump and echo they didn't stand a chance

it was always a matter of time before belton and it's just it's too close to the city but it also the troubling thing about this thirty six thousand tons of wheat going to a ryanand is what what would the ryanian plan to do with all that week it always up to something i mean sure they'll say we just love to break but think about it this way. There are only 20,000 tonnes of yeast away from developing a baguette which could reach Israel.

I should point out, John, of course, that pumponical is a rye bread, not a wheat bread. So I'm sorry if anyone's enjoyment of the last minute and a half of this podcast has been damaged by John's appalling loaf ignorance. Good point, Andy. Fifting loves ultimate. These parrots get close enough to board ships with grappling hooks and sometimes masquerading as close guards. So see that's still some classic old school parrots skills there, the art of perception. Apparently they've also dressed as repairmen, saying they're here to fix the rudder they've dressed up as police checking on a

noise disturbance the poses mermaid stripper grams and want even as actual pirates on their way to a costume party that was very clever they dress as lifeguards yeah that's I'm well I'm gonna have to watch Baywatch again and see if there's a subtext. No postcards, not postcards. All right. They're the same. They're the same. They're the same, John. They're the same, John.

Well, what is the difference? Well, they're both well. They're fully qualified rescue professional and the other one is a pervert. They both wear pants. That's all I'm saying. And I mean pants in the British sense. Of course, pirates were thought to have died out

in the 19th century, John, due to the relative shortage of female pirates. Right. Because 92% of all pirate babies are boys due to a genetic defect. Right. And also some breeds of pirates do actually live exclusively off little insects that live in the shoulder hair of pirates. Right.

That's another fact about pirates. Also, in the 17th century, such was the control of pirates exerted over the high seas. The only one in 20 boat trips was ever successful, and crossing the channel was considered the most effective form of euthanasia at the time. Pirate is the dominant gene, that's probably why so many are born, male. Yeah. Or a famous pirate from history, include Henry Morgan, who destroyed the entire city of Panama whilst looking for gold.

Torch had been killed pretty much, anyone and anything that came in his way and looked at him a bit funny, and was rewarded in a traditional British manner with a knighthood. Also another famous pirate, Long John Silver, who despite being fictional was one of the most feared pirates of the 19th century. Of course, it wasn't his real name, he was born Mike Johnson in Tombridge Wells Kent. He was known as Long John because he wore thermal underwear at all times due to his allergy to visible leg pimples and also was known as silver because he always came second and who's got the most number of legs matches. Other notable recent parts include pop star, Jamelia and the entire Spanish navy between the years 1420 and 1981. As if you played Jamelia smash hit number three

single superstar backwards John, it gives the precise latitude and longitude of three separate treasure chests buried around the Shetland Islands. Con of attention to detail which made her temporarily a big star. All I'm saying is have you ever seen her captain in a legal ship? A British foreign secretary David Miller banned said that the UK will not pay ransom to pirates because it would only encourage further hostage staking.

What do you think about that? One, there's no real point in breaking that's dancing is everyone else is playing them off and more importantly he had the opportunity there to use the phrase we do not negotiate with that that you know you can and i simply don't understand he is not ready to lead that's got to be one of the reasons you go into politics. Come on.

Embarrassing British political affiliation news now and the names of 13,000 members, ex-members and passing acquaintances of the British National Party have been posted on the internet, apparently by a disgruntled member of the party leaderships on the BNP, of course I'm talking about the British National Party the far right wing anti-immigration party I'm not talking about the Bangladesh National Party or even the Bahu Jhan and the Dejas Peramuna or the mass freedom front of Sri Lankan political party or even the Bank National De Pari BNP who's advertising at the French Open tennis always raises the spirits of clay caught tennis loving British racists. Or even the International Air Transport Association code for Banu Airport in Pakistan. That's also BNP. It's a remote

airport in the Northwest Frontier province which according to the internet has no flights going in or out of its. That's what apparently 13,000 names addresses, telephone numbers and email address of a public even Hobbies will list it which... will presumably big right watching right is movies and thinking about right is that the problem that these bmp members are going to find is that they've managed to systematically work themselves into a position where they are immune to sympathy if you

here something bad happening to them the natural instinct is to think to yourself all good i'm glad that happening whether it's anything small and petty like any of them falling over or scraping their knee or maybe having their cast on and all losing their wallet right up to their name's been published in suffering the seldom felt consequences of being a huge racist if they're unhappy i'm happy they also love playing chess although they do tend to try either really hard or not on a toilet depending on which side they're on.

I mean, I heard how, as a member of the BNP leadership, you become disgruntled. John, you know whether you think that party's not being nationalistic enough. I must be that. Or maybe they just failed to find a credible solution to the Congo crisis. I should be taking it more seriously. Or you just joined the wrong party and you think that they failed to muscle in on the political middle ground. The incredible thing is that this list revealed that soldiers, police officers, doctors and teachers were on the list and are now fearful

of their jobs. And again, good, I'm glad about that. I hope they lose their jobs because I don't really want to be operated on by a racist doctor in case they figure out a way to remove the humanity from your body and you wake up just like them. Well I think you'd probably be alright John. You'd too look a bit Jewish I'm over here. I don't know if I'm not sure what would be alright. Yeah I guess that would depend on where they were operating on you. Yeah where they smoke their fire. Oh I see I thought I've only just got that. It was a wrong flight usually I'll pick up on a Wang joke. Of course it's embarrassing enough for people to be revealed as members of the BNP but what made it even worse was that they also

are revealed to be members of any political party in Britain which is a kind of double whammy of embarrassment. I've included details of family members of the BNP. Now that seems John and I think to sign your family up for everything well, we've enjoyed the National Trust membership so maybe let's try the British National Party as well. Have a good day out for us surely. You say that racism can't often be hereditary. I can just imagine a little kid saying dad can we go 10 pin bowling at the weekend? No, not this week little Nigel. We're gonna dorb graffiti on a carry house. For a green party candidate, apparently joined the BNP, because he claimed that they had the

best environmental policies. I know, yeah, if you're in the green party, you'll love the environment, but I just think that's not enough. That shows the dangers of taking single issue politics too far. And I guess he left after a couple of weeks, apparently, after looking at the small prints and probably the big prints on their other policies and after realising that fires in Curry House is all bad for the invoices. Alcoida News now and Alcoida released another tape this week, this time from Alzawer Heary, bin Laden's number two.

He is the Joe den of global terror and perhaps in more way than one as he used an offensive racial epithet in this video uh... you can be a bit which appeared on websites that a bomber is the direct opposite of honorable black american's like milkamax the uh... sixty african american rights leader speaking arabic use the term a bit al-bite

which literally translate as house slaves, but al-Qaeda supplied English subtypes of this speech, and cited it as house Negroes. So I'm so glad, Andy, that the first time they thought to supply English subtitles was to make sure that they got their full abhorrent message across. They wouldn't want us to think they will be slightly less racist than they were.

Well, do you think this signals the beginning of the kind of backlash against Obama at the end of the honeymoon period? Because, you know, Al Qaeda are really swimming against the tide of public opinion here and not for the first time. And, you know, I guess, you know, we were all waiting to see if Al Qaeda would endorse Obama, but appears that they do actually really hate the West, just George W Bush. That's right, it is the whole thing. So, it's also, you can now add racism onto their list of despicable character traits. They must very nearly have the full set now.

They just need to develop a dislike for penguins, and then they're all set. Alza Wahari was, he's the alchoyd in number two, as he said, John. So, he's in fact ceded to meet the Guantanamo star on number three ranked alchoyd about a calichet Muhammad in the semi-final. And that could be a classic. He is still been loud enough to lose. He is the Roger Federer of terrorism. And that's the Roger Federer three years ago.

Well, yeah, like Federer, he's had a few niggling injury problems. And just saying, he probably isn't quite as dominant as he was. And depending on what court it's played on he could be vulnerable let's make this perfectly clear though Andy that is where the comparisons between asrama bin Laden and rocher federa finish as far as we know president bush update now and George w bush also known as barbers boy otherwise known as jabs wayward older brother

aka unfortunately the forty third president in our state continues his slide into long overdue irrelevance news come out this week of a spectacular conversation between Vladimir Putin and president sarcosy of france as sarcosy's chief different advisor of the history which are concerned the georgian prime minister

uh... putin said i'm gonna hang sarcastically by the ball at the stock of the third month i think i'm question mark why not put in reply the american hang for them for saying as i'll go to the right to read with him saying yet but do you want to end up like president bush

put in with apparently briefly lost for words and then said all you have scored a point say bush has finally achieved something wonderful he has prevented a man from being hanged by the ball and that is more than most people can say for an entire lifetime that should have pride of place in his presidential library which of course it will because it's going to be in an otherwise empty room but still I hope that one day Sarkishvilley comes to meet Bush on his deathbed and Bush's last words will just be to point at Sarkishvilley's Nages and whisper,

Oh, I think that makes him the first US president to save someone from being home by the Nagesense Calvin Coolidge. Who did he say? Who didn't he say, John? He was on a one-man crusade to stop the trend of magic hanging that was really crippling America at the time. But just goes to show that the very mentioning of Bush's name now can be used as a threat against emulating him.

It's synonymous with a catastrophic legacy. He's repeatedly claimed that history will be a judge, and if that's true, then history is already practically slamming its gasses down and has placed a black piece of cloth on his forehead. Book deal news now and Sarah Paling has been offered apparently seven million dollars for her book that's four point six five million pounds so it's four point seven five million pounds and four point eight five million pounds. There you go two two in a show, John. Well, it's not clear exactly what kind of book

Ferrapo is planning, but it sure a shit won't be an atlas. Do you thought things are? I've been thinking about this, John. I guess the world is curious to know, really, if she's as stark-barking bonkers when she's got the time to sit down and write things, when she just stands up and sees what comes out of her mouth as happened on the campaign trail. I've heard rumors that she is considering a bodice ripping historical who done it about a Hungarian cellist in 18th century Alaska, or a book of baseball statistics for Republican mothers, or a graphic novel about the life of Charles and Charged Star Scott Boyle, or an encyclopedia of Cokes for Dogs, or a recipe book in which every

recipe uses a bit of a recently shot caribou. Or the first in a series of collections of poems about golf, Volume 1, on the practice screen. I just think any of those are probably more likely than believing that anyone would be even slightly interested in her political memoirs about her 10 weeks in the spotlight, or even her guidebook on how not to name your child. Joe the Plumber is also apparently bringing a book out, John, in which he will analyze the main domestic and international political issues facing the incoming Obama administration through the medium of diagrams

of household water pipe systems. As his forward says, after the last eight years, there's a lot of shit backed up in America's you can joe who's literally started to be described as agent as jay not to non-speed meets what went on a water slide with a sprinkling of preschool gorge del thrown in for good measure that's right if you thought you'd heard the last of joda plum i the american every man who captured the hearts and minds of a lately american news media

who could be bothered to do any genuine reporting you were sadly mistaking joda plum has in the least surprising publishing development since the bible recently went into yet another reprint has been offered a book deal is book will be called jow the plumber fighting for the american dream i will address his ideas about american values which will be a very useful resource if only can bother list of the people who actually buy that book

because those names should be kept on file they are dangerous individuals Bugal feature section now and to commemorate John Oliver's last Vegas debut and possibly his last Vegas retirement gig Anyone would like to admit we have a feature section on Vegas, the spiritual capital of the United States of America. No, no, it's the spiritual capital of Armageddon. Really? How did you tell the two apart? Las Vegas is the brightest city on the planet, John, when seen from Spaceprony. There's that many lights.

Right, that can't be illumination rather than intellectual. Really? Well, if you do view it through a special glasses which highlight culture, it is in fact the darkest substance known to a man. It is a moral black hole. Here's a couple of really creepy things you get told the hotel. Instead of saying have a good day, they say have a lucky day when they say goodbye to you. With a glint in their eye.

Also, as those walking off the plane, there were people getting onto planes leaving Vegas, and there was not one face that didn't look very sad. A lot of faces say, what am I going to tell her? How do I phrase this? Well, it's interesting you should say that because Vegas, of course, has a number of nicknames as some cities do, but Vegas has got some great ones. It's known as the Entertainment Capital of the World, although clearly, people who gave it that name didn't come to my gig in Birmingham and Wednesday, Jim.

Because I think the 30 people who did would have laughed in Las Vegas' face after the convenient rocket ride I gave them. Also, Vegas is known as Sincity, so called not because of the number of naughty ladies who live and work there, but because when viewed from the West, it looks like the ancient Egyptian hieroglyph for envy. And it's also known as

the capital of second chances so called because that is what many husbands have to ask their wife for when returning home for a weekend in Vegas. Well get this, Andy. It is the most serious thing I've found out so far. The person at the check-in desk said, and one thing you know, you might find you have more energy here, I said I doubt that and he said no but we pump extra oxygen into the room to keep people away and i said how is that different from drugging someone and he just stared at me with utter contempt

really apparently there's more that apparently they pump oxygen into these hotels to keep people awake and gambling really gosh do they put cocaine in the toothpaste as well? I don't know. Get me out of here. Interestingly, Las Vegas was established in 1905, and the next year San Francisco was devastated by a massive earthquake.

And some people believe that it was actually delivered to the wrong city by a careless god. Also interestingly, it was the same year as Las Vegas was founded, Albert Einstein, the theoretical physics, was what became known to physics fans as his Anus Mirabalus, in which he explained how molecules move. He introduced a theory of special relativity.

And he worked out that the humble letter E previously thought of as just a useful vowel, or a convenient way of abbreviating the word error in baseball statistics, actually turned out to equal MC squared, big year for Einstein, but 103 years on, John, after these two momentous developments, Einstein's big year and the establishment of Las Vegas, more people understand fruit machines than physics, and what does that tell you about the human race? Two and a half thousand years ago in Athens in Greece, John,

there was about some inexplosion of art, architecture, drama, comedy, philosophy, and totally above- man on boy wrestling. Suddenly, foundations for millennia of civilization and progress that would eventually lead to Las Vegas. And if that same rate of human regression continues for the next 2,500 years, then by the year 4,500, human beings will be small and meabic organisms about to crawl back into the sea. Also, there's rooms on the internet, John. And I don't know if you've heard anything about this in Vegas,

that Las Vegas franchises could be opening around the world and could be accelerated by the credit crimes. There are rumors even that the owners of Las Vegas are in talks to buy the cash-strapped city of Cambridge in England and will replace the famous old university whose top three alumni, of course, are gravity-discovering Hatwera and Mastart Grower, Isaac Isaac Newton, evolution connoisseur Charles Darwin, and his fellow scourge of the creationists actor and model, John Oliver.

So... Wow. So those are two career choices, not qualified for. You've done a bit of both. Win of my model. I've seen that picture of you in a tutu, John. Oh, yeah. God, I've forgotten about that.

Last Vegas England, as came, we shall, yeah. Oh, I forgot about that. Last Vegas England, as Cambridge will become known, will contain the world's largest roulette wheel, which will replace the main quarter of the famous old King's College. And the world's biggest illuminated tit outside the old Pembera College, which will become Professor Tutu Mugu-Tis,

the world's leading table dancing and postgraduate chemistry club. John, that's your out of question. Quite a few suggestions, as we asked for, from our listeners. So what you should put your money on in the casinos. Interestingly, in fact, in some casinos, you can actually hire actors to play the roles of your distraught wife and children.

They stand up and look as you sacrifice your own their financial security. What do they do in terms of a hypothetical wife? Well, I guess they're just looking for someone who has got quite a few wrinkles around the eyes. There have been a lot of tears over the years. You know, slightly faded clothing as if haven't really been allowed to buy anything new for the last 10 years to fund your gambling habit. That sounds good.

That sounds good. So maybe you could report back next week. Sure, we'll do. I'll leave it up for steak. So what are you going to put your money on, John? Well, the emails have come in from Budalus that the average is putting money on black 11. So I'm going to put $50 on black 11. And if it comes up, then that is statistically unlikely.

That's 36 to 1, isn't it? So that's $1800. $1800. No, just I, we. We all can say that amongst. We all bugle us. All we know is that there are about 6.8 billion potential bugle listeners around the world. Well, I think we'll have to do it by something for $1800. And we'll all just keep it for a week.

We'll just pass it on. I think in Las Vegas you could probably buy some one for $1,800. Okay, we'll do that then. The future Mrs Oliver. That would be lovely. We're in Rome, old boy. Bugle Sport now and John Oliver is doing his gig at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas this weekend but he won't be the only Englishman, Toronto avoid being punched in the face by an angry American because Magcuniant books are Ricky Hatton, we'll be fighting New York City's poorly melanergy! That's how it's

officially pronounced I believe John, so who are you gonna be supporting John? Are you gonna be supporting Hatton from your homeland or Melon Airgy from your new place of residence? It's certainly a lot more fun to say. Melon Airgy, but we'll be going with Hatten. Right, but I guess you know, because I like to base my support for boxes on what I think are their cities of origin. And I've had more bad gigs in Manchester than in New York,

by which I mean, I've done gigs in Manchester. Right, yeah. I'm gonna have to go with Melon Airgy. Also known as the Human Cleashay. He is the most archetypal New York Italian I think I've ever come across John. He's known as the magic man because he once punched an opponent so hard that his opponent turned into a rabbit. And of course he's fighting Ricky Hatten known as the hitman because he used to be a KGB assassin before the fall of the Berlin Wall. He told you that in confidence.

It was the prodigy, it was only four. So, best of luck to all the boxers involved. Well, if you get whatever you want from the fight, I guess that is smacking someone else in the face whilst not being smacked in your own face quite as often. I think that's the game plan. Now, I did promise last week we would hear from the our marginal sports correspondent, Wolff and the World Knit Picking Championships. Sadly, these championships were cancelled after the American representatives, the Honolulu

Horsesplitters, complained that technically the championships should be called the World Pedentary Championships, as this would be a broader term that better encapsulates the range of detailed quibbling involved in the contest. So it has been postponed for two weeks, pending an independent arbitration panel decision. And there was a fantastic sporting moment here, John, I think you would have loved had you had you not been dead to this country. And the most touching side of the week without question, Scottish football supporters, thanking Diego Maradona for his half-cheats, half-genius role in knocking England out of the 1986 World Cup. That's 22 years ago now. Maradona, the new coach of Argentina, was in Glasgow for a friendly match

between Scotland and Argentina. It was great to be with Banner saying thank you for 1986. Treat his like a returning hero. And John, this display of Caledonio and Argentinian gratitude was, I think, kind of tipping of the narrow-mindedness we now come to associate with football fans. Because, Tom's last Scottish producer said this all get a getting cut, but I'm saying what I'm saying is, I think rightly, Scottish football fans should vilify Maradona, not celebrate him for helping knock England out, but vilify him because his two goals in that game prevented Scottish fans enjoying the potentially even more humiliating sites of England losing to Belgium in the semi-final. Or even if England beat Belgium, they've

denied themselves the ultimate Scottish football in-dream Germany beating England in a World Cup Final. That's what Maradona denied the Scottish fans. They should have hound in him out of town. I'm afraid due to the excitement of John being invoked, we don't actually have time for the promise of results of the competition, but that competition is now closed, so you can no longer win it, although if you want to keep sending your entries in, we've had a spectacular response, John, over... Incredible.

...or we've had literally hundreds, including a 50,000-word novel on who is Jigme Wangchuk. Someone has written a book that is longer than my book that is the prize for this competition. Don't we, you have to give them a book for that. You have to. Just for sheer effort. Yeah. I think I think I can probably do that.

But the winning two entries in the who or what is Jigme Wangchuk competition will be announced next week in our special Thanksgiving episode, where we will also be hearing from the return of the American and for the first time ever, the American's brother live in Las Vegas. So we'll have the competition next week on the subject of my book, John. Which is available in all good bookshops. I'll do this. Don't do this. You're bigger than this. I'll have a choice to make here. Yeah, you're the one in Vegas, John. You're the one in Vegas in a hotel room

that is bigger than any house, any of our families have ever owned. I'm having to try and not think about that every second on me here. So my book does anything to eat bankers and 53 other indefensible questions for the credit crunch. I showed it to my daughter Matilda aged 22 months. It's got a little picture of me inside and I thought she'd like to see it and I said, oh look who's in the book should daddy. And then I gave her the book and she kind of leathed through it about seven seconds.

And then just said, boring. And that's the first review that that books had. That's it, put it down and mark it. If that goes to a second reaper, you have to put that as a quote on the front. Yeah. So my 22 month old daughter doesn't it, but that doesn't mean you won't. In fact, it is the Bugles Book of the Week. Just time for our forecast.

And the forecast is, Will Las Vegas, break John into. Yes, that's not so much a forecast as just a future fact. I think I could already hear the fault lines in your soul opening up. Yeah, not for me, not for me. So do keep your emails flooding into the google at timesonline.co.uk and to commemorate the one-year anniversary of Hotties from History in two weeks time we will have a Hotties from history round up of the year including all twelve hotties of the month for the Christmas calendar.

You can't miss that. You're not going to want to miss that. That could be the show is of end of the year. Two big things to look forward to. You got the American and the American's brother from Vegas for Thanksgiving and then you've got the hotties round up. I mean come on on that solid programming. So do look at the webpage, times on on the code in case left the bugle, where you can also get the bugle column, the most influential piece of comment writing in British newspaper history.

So that's all, bye bye from me in Civilisation and from John Invagus. you