The Bugle - The World’s Most Charming Coup

Episode Date: July 15, 2022

Andy is with Chris Addison and Nish Kumar to look at three major stories - chaos in Sri Lanka, Britain's next Prime Minister, and the best gambling story of the year.Our 15th Birthday Special Tour is coming to the UK and Ireland this year: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/liveThere's no ads in this show, thanks to you! Cast some cents and pennies our way: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateThis episode was written and presented byAndy ZaltzmanChris AddisonNish KumarAnd produced by Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Bugleers, and an averagely warm welcome. Like I like to think the warmth of my welcome to the Buegl is at a consistently very high level. To issue 4,236 of the Buegl, the audio newspaper that has pledged to continue addressing the world and its various music glitcheries until everything is sorted out. That is in our unwritten constitution. The best kind of constitution, as all Brit's know as it gives you carte blanche to select bits, as when convenient and or make shit up as you go along. I'm Andy Zoltzman, recently voted least influential punk rock frontman of the 1980s which I can't really argue with

you, honest, and joining me today, a cast of millions, sorry, two, strewn across South London like the debris of a poorly directed alien spaceship. I'm joined by Nisk Kumar and for the first time in a long time, Chris Addison. Hello to both of you. Hello, hello Nish. Hello Chris, hello Bugs. It's been ages. It's been absolutely ages and so on, but I've been busy in my shed working up a new range of bugle merch because I feel like T-shirt is something everybody does and face masks are very 2020 now because they're pretty much over on there. They were fashionable on public transport for a while but they've

been supplanted by that new trend of coughing and looking guilty. So I've got a couple of bugle merch pictures for you. How about bath salts? A relaxing bath time accessory that gives your tub a distinct aroma of bullshit and as an added bonus absolutely clogged your plug hole with ginger pubes. I've got Zoltson Pepper, an ill-advised rap album by Andy Zoltsman, a 1990s female American golf champion, Dotty Pepper. Tracks there include Baby Got Back Swing, a cover of the Beastie Boys, Hold It Now, Hit It, Inda Clubs and 99 Iron Problems. And my final merch pitch anyway,

and the one I think we'll get the most traction is full frontal A-zults, the upsetting nude calendar nobody asked for. Oh. So I've not wasted my time. Okay, well that's in between podcasts. That's good to know. That's good to know.

That'll be as available as all other bugle merch very soon. Very soon. Chris, the job is going to be available. Do you mean we'll be, do you mean we'll be selling it again in five years time, Andy? Speaking proudly from his notebook from I believe the 2013 range that I got. Oh, that's quite a lot. I literally, Chris gave me one of those two months ago. That's how many of those are still around.

That's how many of those are still around. That's how many of those are still around. Nation, we got any additions to the merch range. You'd like to chuck into the mix at this point? I've suggested it before. I'll say it again, bugle branded songs. Yeah. I mean, you can sort of use the face masks

as that repurposed. Yeah, yeah. Zoltzman on one ball, RIP sort of use the face masks as that repurposed. Yeah, yeah. Zolt's one on one ball. RIP John Oliver on the other. LAUGHTER Hello, Chris, hello Andy. Hello, Chris, and hello, Budalis. It's fucking hot.

It's fucking hot. I am sweating from the tits. That's how hot it is. It's hot enough that I am sweating from the tits. And you've got eight tits. I've got eight tits. I've got three like that lady. Like total recoil. It's going to be very difficult for Greta Tunberg to not scream. I told you so as we all float to our demise as a species.

Because it shouldn't be. It's getting near 40 degrees in the United King. I don't know how much clearer we could make it to people that the climate crisis is happening now and it's not some sort of abstract idea that we can think about further down the road. At this point, I think it will only take, I basically, St Paul's Cathedral is going to have to spontaneously burst into flames before or anyone starts f***ing taking it seriously. And somehow, Conservative newspapers will still blame immigrants and transgender people. Well, they are very dry and brittle, aren't they?

Immigrants and transgender people. Just takes a spark and they go up. And obviously, they brought the wrath of God upon this land. So, you know, you're under the watch. You would think that God would not hit his own cathedral, though. I mean, that's just a bad aim, isn't it? There are a lot of self-hating deities, not going to be anything. Sorry, sir. That was your wrestling name, wasn't it?

We are recording on the 15th of July, 2022. On this day in 1381, John Ball was hanged drawn and courted for his part in the peasant's revolt. I'm so sorry. I just was laughing at the name John Ball. LAUGHTER I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid if you open with Dennis Nuttsack, you have to expect me to laugh at it,

whether or not Dennis Nuttsack has been cut into four pieces. Well Dennis Nucksack was also executed for his part in a similar people's rebellion in the Prague, I think Prague in the 15th century. Was it pronounced Nucksack? I forget. But anyway, John Ball in 1381 was was hanged all courted. And in one of the great sexist executions, because whilst hanging drawing and courtering was used on men for apparently reasons of public decency, women convicted of high treason were only burned at the stake. Why is it women have got all the breaks throughout history. We will be discussing this on future programs in 1834 On this day the 15th July the world's longest running quiz show finally ended

After a run of 356 years. That was the Spanish Inquisition The four-owner of popular quizzes today such as jeopardy mastermind and what the fuck is that? It was initially disbanded on this date 188 years ago, amazingly enduring for a show with so few winners. But there you go. And actually, it could be due to a reboot, I think. It might do quite well in today's TV quiz stroke game show landscape, long and drawn out questions, voyeuristic or most sadistic focus on the suffering of the contestants' judgmental

repetitive and almost cultish. I think it would fit fit right in. As always a section of the musical is going straight in the bin and well picking up what Nish said. We have a special how to stay cool in the heat section for people in Britain and other currently toasty parts of the world. Now apart from the obvious sleeping on a bed of frozen fish fingers which also gives gives you a lovely, uh, breakfast when you wake up, uh, or replacing your brick walls with igloo walls, which is a bit short term, and could get into trouble with landlords if you live in a block of flats. Um, we suggest you hold a 17th century themed party

at the so-called little ice age brought frozen season rivers to much of Europe. Yeah, but you do really have to get into character, um, for example, if you live in London, just acts like the Thames is frozen. Do you not actually draw a walk across the Thames, but get yourself in that psychological space. Also, to stay cool and heat-filled somber, metaphorically being under a bit of a cloud can reduce metaphorical temperatures by, let's say, 15 degrees Celsius. And as we live increasingly in a metaphorical world, that's a real-terms college of, I don't know, 17 degrees. Interestingly, the Sombrero hat was designed to make the wearer feel more somber

by being unable to see the beautiful blue skies above with their inherent message of hope and light. The problem was, whilst they made the wearer more somber. The sombrero, of course, richly entertains anyone who sees someone else in a sombrero cancelling out. It's overall effect. Also to keep cool, try to keep things in perspective whilst temperatures may as they said

that hit 40 degrees in the UK, which I think if I remember my scriptures correctly, from my time as a multi-denominational priest on the freelance religion circuit, is a sign either that you are a member of a species unable and unwilling to heed warnings to safeguard its long-term future or that your government is deeply rotten cardraving competence, I forget which. But anyway, remember, let's get it in perspective.

On Venus, it's in the mid-450s right now and it could have been worse, especially if you're being burned at the stake or hit by an asteroid. And also, the hot of the world gets the less fuel we need to heat ourselves thus reducing carbon emissions and solving climate change. So we are in many ways on the right path. That section in the bin. You know, we really focus a lot on how terrible you are at knowing your own Jewish faith, Andrew. But I think what we focus not enough energy

on is that you're shit at all religions. That's the sort of ecumenicalism though, isn't it? Well, you say really bad at all of them. I show them equal attention. You're antagonistic. You say that nice, but you say that this, but you clearly were not on stress and common last weekend when I sacrificed a hundred head of oxen's as use, I think I did it when I sacrificed a hundred head of oxen's use. I think I did it extremely efficiently. Top story this week. Sri Lanka news. Well, if there's one hot fashion trend this year, it's not the return of the floral pantaloon or the diaphanus casak or the Glockenspiel hat. It's the resigning national leader.

Last week, we reported exclusively on Boris Johnson's non-taiful collision with the immovable bullwalk of his own infinite shitness. More on that unedifying race to step into his rotting shoes later. This week, we've seen the Prime Minister of Italy, Mario Draghi, trying to resign after the collapse of his coalition government, but having the President of Italy refusing to accept his resignation, saying, well, everyone, please stop fucking resigning. And in Sri Lanka, President Regiapaksa has suffered the indignity of the people of Sri Lanka taking a dip in his own private swimming pool, an embarrassment

so scarring that he had no choice but to flee the country and disgrace and then resign. And in many ways it's a classic tale, isn't it? Got to buy a Regiapaksa's downfall. Allegations of spectacular levels of corruption, intimidation, cronism, parasitism, power grabbing, large-scale political and economic mismanagement, crackdowns on descending voices, playing on deep-seek and social and ethnic divisions, when will someone burn copies of that playbook. But really, it comes down to the fact that everyone took a dip in his private swimming pool, and there's no recovering from that. There is no recovering from that as a leader. They did just take a dip in his swimming pool. They pet it as animals. They pet it as I think this has to be the most adorable

cool and human history. That is not a very hotly contested contest. It's like you say Bolt sprint records. There is a huge jump off from first place to second place. They swam in his pool, they petted his dogs, several of the children, because they were children involved. That's how whole of this coup was. It was like a family day out to thought park. It was unbelievable. They petted his dogs, and several of the children played his piano.

It's an utterly utterly charming coup. And yet somehow, even all the more damning for it, having your children play some of his piano is like, mafia levels of intimidation. LAUGHTER I quite liked that. People were just... There was a woman who's been interviewed who brought her kids to the capital for the day.

Yes, specifically for the revolution. That's really good parenting. I just want them to have these experiences while they're young. So we're going to overthrow the government and then we're going to go to the aquarium. It's superb. It is in almost every extent the polar opposite of the January 6th, the right in America.

Yeah, it is the absolute polar opposite. It really is very wholesome. Nobody was rubbing shit on the walls or taking cable ties in to tie up democratically elected representatives. This was a good old fashioned, corrupt, dick borderline dictator

being removed from office and then everyone having a nice swim. I sort of feel like we would never be able to do that sort of thing in this country because those coos dick of flair up there are. Well, you say that in this, but I think the problem for us is the palace. We would never get very far invading a palace.

They just have to put up a red rope strong between two brass stanchions and we go, oh, we can't go past that. That's it. And it's too easy for the police to trap people in there because the only way out is through the gift shop. That is why it is never really happening in this country. Not since, you know, that time. Not since Cromwell got the hump. Not since Cromwell got them. The Prime Minister,

Randall Wickrom, a singer, is now following Roger Pax's resignation, the acting president. He was in his sixth stint as Prime Minister, which is quite a lot of stints as I shouldn't say that at this point in Boris Johnson's political career. He might see that as a goal. But he's also facing calls for his resignation and indeed protesters set fire to his house which was not a good sign if you are then becoming acting president. A new president is due to be to be elected soon. I mean it all came as a result of a sort of huge economic crisis, as a result of a sort of huge economic crisis, you know, inflation, power cuts, healthcare, collapsing due to lack of medicines, transport systems, failing fuel sales restricted. I mean, in some ways, you might say it is looking into the future, depending on where in the world

you are, but I mean, it's very, I mean, kind of broadly, a kind of tragic story of a country that has so much going for it and apart from the people who've been in charge. Yeah, absolutely. And I think we saw also as the classic fleeing of a badly derp because the Roger Pax went to the Moldys and then Singapore this week, but it's not thought to be his final destination Andy. So where might he go?

I've put together a little guy to some favourite haunts you'll find in the search histories of ex-tyrants. Being deposed, got beef, then why not come to Argentina? You'll fit right in. World champion handball playing nation and noted geopolitical grudge holder, Argentina, is a fabulous choice for any despot fleeing from a baying mob with nothing more than the clothes they stand up in and a private plane filled with half the national reserve. Extra edition treaty, they don't even have a regular-dition treaty. They're alone in an extra one. Fun activities include spot the kindly old German gentleman

before the kidnap squad from Mossad does, having a T-bone steak-induced myocardial infarction, and why not join in the traditional Argentinian pastime of staring furiously towards the Falkland Islands or, as they're known in Argentina, the Falkland Islands, or as they're known in Argentina, DEFALCELEN DALAND! Dubai! Dubai! Dubai!

Whether it's British expats, in spite of being in the middle of Arabia, will only buy hummus from the M&S food shop that you're after, or a sandy vagina. Air conditioning capital of the known world, Dubai, is the place for you. You practically can't walk down the street here without bumping into someone who's been chased out of their own country, so you'll always have plenty to talk about. Whether it's former Afghan President Ashraf Ghani, or the sometime king of Spain Juan Carlos, or just some ex-city trader from Chelsea, who retired at 40 and now spends his life drinking from noon and whanking himself to sleep, Dubai is absolutely lousy with people who regret their life choices in extreme

but entirely tasteless luxury. Fun activities include dune surfing, thinking that having a really tall building is important, and not talking about ongoing human rights abuses. La Belle France, Zutallor, La France Ador, La dictatoire. That's right, as surprising as it may seem, the home of Liberté and Egalite has often extended the hand of Fraternité to the kind of people who just a few short centuries previously they had been persuading to have a closer look at the fabulous new head-removing device they just invented. France has played host to so many X-despots that at one point in the early 21st century

an estimated 5% of the population were former African dictators. What draws them there? Perhaps it's the weather? Perhaps it's the food? Or perhaps it's just one of the few places in the world where you don't have to explain how to spell coup d'état. Fun activities include using gold bullion to mitigate highly ingrained institutionalized racism, booing during the Bastille Day parade, and trying to make girls think you're interesting

by smoking galwars. And finally, what's got 120 million thumbs, a queen the size of Paddington Bear and an unquenchable thirst for dirty money? Us guys! That's right, have you screwed a starving population out of what was rightfully theirs? Their night's bridge is the place for you. You don't have to be a dodgyly elected ex-leader of a country to be welcomed here with open arms, just so long as you've got a boat big enough to land a helicopter on and a brolly. Fun activities

include owning football teams, owning newspapers and owning the Tory party. LAUGHTER Well, we could grow up at the full Piddoshay package for you. Yeah. We got game. LAUGHTER The Ratchet-Paxes as a family have in true South Asian fashion dominated politics with a firm hand filled with dodgy money. Since Sri Lanka gained independence in 1948. They sort of for two of the decades since 1948 they've controlled the government and the most

recent Rajapaksa Gautamaya, the man who has fled in search of a better life for himself and his money, was been ruling with, I mean, a really uh... unpleasant streak at what he was defense secretary during his brother mhinders presidency he oversaw the defeat of the tamaltar guess and an estimated forty thousand uh... tamels died and human rights watch has alleged that he's been involved in war crimes and he saw sharp deterioration uh... in human rights possibly not a surprise given that his own family's nickname for him was the Terminator. To be clear, they did not stipulate from two onwards when he was a

nice guy. They just very much left it at Terminator and I think we have to assume that it was not a compliment. His family were in positions of power all through the Sri Lankan government. His brother, and most recently, resigned as the Finance Minister in April, amidst as we discussed, historic cost of living crisis that's really punished the population of the country. His brother's name, Basil Rajapaksa. Basil! Basil! Is there a rogue member of the Raja Paxa family that's a huge fan of the sitcom Faulty Towers? The f*** is going on! Basil Raja Paxa! Basil and Sybil Raja Paxa. That would be amazing. That would be an amazing sitcom as well. Definitely whatever the f*** you do, don't mention the war for Christ's sake.

It's absolutely staggering because he, because, got to buy a red jeep act, so it has just, this has been going on, I mean, as you said Andy, this has been going on for years, but these protests have been going on since April. And it's that classic sort of about to be deposed leader of nothing to do with me. It's fine, it's all fine. It's like before they leave, they have to go through the five stages of grief, but except for them it's denial, denial, denial, call in the army fleet of the Moldives. Absolutely staggering. And then did you see the video footage of it? It's just, I mean, it's extraordinary because obviously, you know, a first you're sort

of looking at and you think, well, this is like a standard mob trying to get into, you know, a government building, yeah, anger is built, they're on the roof and all that. And then you go, wait a minute, there's buddhist monks there. Thank you. If you've got, if you have buddhist, if you've managed to make men who've devoted their entire lives to peaceful self-abnegation, go,

freedom and storm the barricades with a shiv fashioned out of a prayer bell, on balance, You've probably lost a good will of the people As we record a couple of hours ago Roger Paxe did officially quit. He haven't actually officially quit Despite the fact that he fled to the country to the Maldives He hadn't actually quit. Anyways now arrived in Singapore and he has officially quit and started the process for the country to begin electing a new president. Ranil Wickramma singer is the acting president and he could be elected leader by the parliament

within a month. And just to be clear, Ranil Wickramma singer has been a crucial ally to Raja Paxa. So all I'm saying is, in two months time, get the trunks out and have the kids take them in the ivory season, we can't be back to our old friend square fucking one. There was some amazing scenes that I see that there was the Australian cricket team's been in Sri Lanka. They played two test matches in Gawl and the cricket ground in Gawl is overlooked by an old fort, I think it's sort of a 17th century fort, and often people gather on the fort to watch the cricket. But it's got a huge gathering on the fort of people protesting against the government

whilst the test match was going on. Andy, all your interests were mashed together in one moment. But you know, Test Cricket has been struggling for crowds in many parts of Earth, the cricket playing world. Maybe this is all it needs. All it needs is decades of a country being ruined by its own corrupt politicians, and that will get the crowds flooding back. To watch the test go. We could be about to see a huge boon in cricket in Russia. This does sound like an article that you absolutely would read in the cricketer. The role cricket has played in overthrowing governments

throughout the century. Yeah. Well, you know, just as a plan to get people back, that's all it's just an increasingly, it's a series of increasingly desperate articles on how we get people back into cricket. I genuinely wouldn't be surprised to see this written by Hugh Turbavill in the Cricketer. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Prime Minister News now and following the sort of resignation of Boris Johnson last week, Britain is once again involved in its heroic efforts to confirm its place at the top of the stupidest f***ing ways to elect a Prime Minister rankings.

We have left the position of the most powerful politician of the country once again in the hands of a few hundred conservative MPs and then a couple hundred thousand conservative party members. That's very kind of them to make this decision for us. For the third Prime Minister in a row, and when the middle of the race to whittle down the initial eight, wasn't it at the start, down to the final two that the Conservative members will vote on. That's each that that phase is done by the Conservative MPs amongst the front runners, Rishi Sunak, the former Chancellor of the Exdeco, who's a resignation prompted Johnson's downfall. And if you're any doubt, as to where the well-being of the country lies in Conservative party philosophy philosophy then you just need to listen to interviews such as the one Rishi Sunaik did

on the flagship today program on radio for the other day and count the number time she said something on the lines of I'm the best person to help this country through the difficult period in our history compared with the number of times she said I'm the best person to defeat Keir Starmer in a general election. And I think it was about 0 to 25. Basically any question he responded to, you know, why should people trust you? I'm the best person to beat Keir Starmer in a general election. What will you do about Northern Ireland?

I'm the best person to beat Keir Starmer in a general election. How come you set up your leadership campaign website six months ago and why didn't you resign then? I'm the best person to beat Keir Starmer in a general election. How many parrots does it take to change a light bulb? I'm the best person to beat Kierstharmer in the general election. How many parrots does it take to change the light bulb? I'm the best person to beat Kierstharmer in a general election. This is all the conservancy party now is, it seems, just it exists purely for the purpose of winning elections

and nothing else, nothing else, and regardless of the consequences. How have you enjoyed the race? Can we call it a race? I don't disc disc the disc race so far. Well, it's you look at the options ahead of you and it is as unappealing as the menu and all feces restaurant. It is an astro it's an astro pub. It's an astro pub. It's absolutely disgusting. They're all these people are not just It's their fucking They are weapons great

And when I say weapons great, I don't mean a pea shooter or a small butter knife I mean nuclear bomb Civilization failing weapons great The options laid in front of us are Kemi Bada not, Penny Warden, Rishi Soonack, Liz Trust, and Tom Tugan-Hat. And they're all f**ks, okay? And it's amazing to me that every interview with any of these people doesn't begin with,

you served under Boris Johnson, are you more on aura f**ks on both? It's a fair question. What I've found sort of eerily fascinating about it is the extent to which Brexit remains the defining factor. I mean, it's still at heart a Brexit at its part. It seems to be fighting the imaginary squabbles of the last decade saying, well, we must have a Brexiter as Prime Minister, which to me,

in this week of the open Gulf, is a Gulf, we're having taken a driver off the T and hits the ball directly into a cabab van. Then thinking, well, I have to use the driver to get it out of the cabab van because that was the right club when I took when I drove off the tee then smashing it via several other cabab vans and an ice cream van and some slightly alarm spectators onto the green and then just smashing it back to the tee with the same driver saying no I'm not changing I will not play the ball as it ladies still very, I don't know what they, it's a brexteccable party, I think that's the technical term. And this still seems to shape how our prime minister is going to be ch...it is baffling, baffling.

Yeah, well, the only things that they're really talking about are that and woke issues, which very few people are actually really that interested in, and taxes. That's it. And most of the candidates are pitching that they're going to abolish tax, basically. Obviously, they all acknowledge that has to be some way to fund the various important activities of the state, like sending an aircraft carrier out every time they see a dinghy full of migrants and leveling the north.

Sorry, leveling up the north. No, so I do mean leveling the north. So what are their ideas for raising revenue? What are their ideas for raising revenue without taxes? Tom Tuganhat is promising a country-wide swer box to be activated during Prime Minister's question time and national sporting events. Listress? She will be sending all Treasury civil servants door to door around the country

selling lucky heather and clothes pegs. Kami Badenak has suggested that and I quote, something will turn up. Rishi Sunak doesn't believe in cutting taxes at this point and his plan for dealing with the cost of gliving crisis is to make everyone as small as him and therefore need to buy less food to survive on. And Penny Mordent doesn't exist. I refuse to believe in Penny Mordent. There is absolutely no record of her existing before 2010. I am convinced that she was built in a

subterranean lab deep beneath you, Gav. That said, I do find listening to her that I agree with a lot of what she says, because a lot of what she says is that the other candidates will be terrible prime minister. Ha ha ha ha. She managed to shoehorn the Falklands War of 1982 into her campaign launch. When she was being 10?

10? Well, I think it was, you know, set her off onto her, albeit, fictitious life into a career in policy. I mean, that was an impressive effort to appeal to the Tory heartlands. But she is viewed as being a little bit too woke on gender issues by the various of the newspapers.

And it was slightly alarming to think that this is an issue for the Tory membership who are deciding on a new promise. So the fact that our promise and maybe chosen in part by people who are prepared to think, well, what's the point in having a functioning economy anyway? If a small number of people I don't know, don't use the pronouns I think they should use where I do ever meet them. That's, that to me is not really sure. And whoever wins all fails to lose the Tory leaderships gravel, there'll be the third UK's 35th Prime Minister

since 1834. Now I'm going to put you a little quiz question here. How many of those 35 Prime Ministers have come to office for the first time when they first become Prime Minister as a result of winning a majority at a general election and a 35 of them since 1834 and he gets it. Five. You're close. Is it?

Six. It's six. It is six. It's six. It's six. It's six. Flipping crykey. Gladstone, Atley, Wilson, Heath, Fatcher and Blair.

Are there any ones who have one majority at a general election to become prime minister for the first time. Rams in McDonald and David Cameron came in in a coalition. And the other 26 took took over whilst due to a sort of collapsing government or a change of change of leadership, including that this will be now be the third Tory putch in a row that is inflicted. The weird, the Prime Minister on this one. But they don't even seem to be, there doesn't seem to be any enthusiasm. So you're not thinking like there's a lot of sense that Tory MPs don't really like any of the candidates and each round they're just trying to block the one that they like the least to which I say,

welcome to our world, fuck those. The whole contest is basically like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory without Charlie. It doesn't matter what order of rooms Willy Wonka takes him to, he's still gonna end up having to give the factory to a f***. Yeah. It's, the war on woke is a pretty key theme. And so far, none of them have actually produced any kind of specific costed plans for how to deal with the cost of living crisis,

but all of them have been engaged in rampant transphobia. And, you know, it's very hard to not self-imolate at the moment as a British person. It's very hard to not work out how this country has any meaningful future in front of it. And also, as a British person who is famously of an ethnic minority, it is pretty nauseating to be told by large sections of the media that I should in some way be thrilled by the ethnic diversity to us. I should be absolutely thrilled by the representation of my people at the highest level of government. It's very tricky when the candidates

are absolutely from ethnic minority backgrounds, and I'm sure that's evidence that things are certainly, you know, less racist in this country than when my mother first came here 50 years ago. But it is pretty hard to feel happy that any of these people have attained any position, given that all of them have enthusiastically signed up for policies that have made the lives of people that look very similar to them unbelievably worse. These are all enthusiastic supporters

of the plan to ship refugees to the siloes because of to Rwanda. These are all enthusiastic supporters of the plan to ship refugees to Silo City because of Tururwanda. These are all people that have been enthusiastic supporters of austerity and they're very studies that show that people of colour in Britain have been disproportionately affected by austerity policies. These are all deeply unpleasant people and it's very difficult for me to muster any enthusiasm for any of them as kind of as kind of figureheads of ethnic minority progress in Britain. That doesn't stop all of them from f***ing going on about it. For a group of people who claim to not like identity politics, it's been a tricky couple of weeks watching their campaign launches that all start the same thing. My parents came to this country with nothing but the shirts on their back and millions

of pounds. They worked hard to send me to some of the most elite private schools this country has ever produced. And now I sit here proudly ensuring as a politician that none of them would ever be able to come to this country. These are all people who are acting out some psychodrama with their parents. They're all power so that they can retrospectively deport them because they didn't give them enough pocket money in 1994. That's so plausible. That explains absolutely everything. You can only marvel at people that are working out psychodramas at the cost of nothing other than all of the people that live in this fucking company.

Penny Morden is, despite not existing as alleged by Chris Addison, Penny Morden is the favourite amongst the party members who, as discussed, the people who are actually going to elect the prime minister, if you want to know what Pennymoredon is like, in 2014 she said that she had delivered a speech in the House of Commons as an MP just before the Easter recess in 2013 on Pultrary Welfare and used the word cock as a forfeit for a misdemeanor during naval reserve training. Anyway, that asshole might be our prime minister. I mean, I can't say that that doesn't slightly endeare to. This is the problem with the British electorate.

I know, I know. I know. And I am absolutely the person who is set up to reject everything that she stands for. That's the exact problem. Exactly. It's it's it's it's I'm so sorry. I can't call it. Also not only the thing is it's so easy to concentrate on the fact that they're terrible terrible bastards.

And sort of forget about the fact that they're all f***ing sick. That's, you know, they're genuinely stupid people. The Tory leadership candidate and LGBT plus medical device, Les Truss, couldn't find her way out of the room after launching her campaign. On Thursday, she was, did you see the video? She finished, she got off the plimps and then wandered around hopelessly until one of her aides came aracted and took her to the door. You know, to put that in context, that is the foreign secretary who couldn't find her way into the rest of Britain, let her learn into any of those. That's not falling at the first hurdle.

That's slipping and slicing your scrotum open on the corner of a bench in the changing room. These people have all done it. She genuinely looked like one of those robot hoovers that was badly going on functioning. Yeah! Sports news now and well I mean many people have brought this story to our attention and me as a professional level cricket's obsessive was very excited by this story. Four men in Gujarat in India have been arrested for staging, wait for this, a fake cricket tournament and accepting bets through a social media app from gamblers in Russia. Now in many ways this is the absolute apotheosis of globalization and modern technology.

I mean, it's really, you trace the evolution of this story from the very dawn of human civilization. It seems almost inevitable that's, and I would urge you all to watch the footage of this. It was reported in numerous news sites around around the internet. So yeah, in, in, it was, they made videos kind of to stream to Russia of the shitest imaginable cricket game. What's it was being streamed? They would then pass information to the fake umpire, fakely umpiring the fake cricket match with the fake cricketers, to make fake signals that would then impact on the bets that were being placed in Russia. It's really hard

to overstate how shitly this scam was in terms of the quality of play. Imagine if you're a baseball fan for American listeners, baseball being played by five dolphins in a disused courtroom or for many synchronized swimming fans. Imagine a load of Vatican Cardinals doing synchronized swimming in their full Vatican Cardinal G. It's that kind of level of quality. And in terms of the authenticity of fakery, imagine if an art dealer offered you a genuine da Vinci and then showed you a picture of vanity smurf put through an online filter to make it look like a painting or a tour guide pointing at a quasson in the window display of a bakery and claiming it's a relic of the true cross and that the bakery is in fact a cathedral that miraculously sprang into existence

when St. Vincent Trevor of Las Vegas took a ship behind a hedge in the year 327 AD. That is the kind of level we are taught, but I think that in this, this is possibly the greatest new story of the millennium so far. Uh, would you put it up there? Well, I sort of feel like, I think you're over playing how bad it was. But I think, I mean, I agree that in any other week, I would be thinking, you would never see a professional batting display that bad, but I was at the Ovalon Tuesday. So watch India get out, England get out India for 110. So I, I mean, I was just

nice to see some quality cricket. I, this is, you know what, there's a lot, there's a lot to like about this story. Oh, yeah, but what I particularly like is they scammed Russians Do you need so I don't know if you hear Russians the the corruptus country That is how this is this is this is high time It's high time that people will remind it that India is and always will be the gold standard for corruption and swindling. And Russia has been getting away with too much for too long. And we had to remind everybody who was f***ing boss here. We're number one. Unbelievable.

I read the story, the report in the Times of India and online. And because I only get it delivered to the house two days late. But I watched, and you know the comments underneath the story, there's one comment underneath the story in the Times of India, and it was real entrepreneurs' exclamation mark. So I really liked. I like how the whole thing basically is built around racism. It's like a judo racist move, whether the Indian perpetrators of the scam have basically used Russia's racism against them.

Yeah. There are 21 farm laborers who are pretended to be all of the different teams. They're just put on a different type. Yeah. Knowing that the Russians would go, is that the same? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and you just think outsourcing has gone so far. It's unbelievable. Even if you want to swindle your own people, the Russians do get the indids to do it.

Yeah, the job done. And have you seen that there are more than one league? Yeah. So it's like, it's the same guys, but they've done it in different states. So there's like this one was called, what was it called? It was called the century 2020 league. and then there's the Tamil big bash. It sounds like a very bad way of

underplaying a civil war but he's in fact they've done the same thing down in South India. It's absolutely extraordinary Tamil Nadu presumably remarkable. They they've found a picture of four people who are arrested in connection with the fake tournament And they've actually all posed for a photo that does not itself look dissimilar to a cricket team I'll be honest with you the four guys look very somber But you could see a little glint in their eye that it's like we're fucking legends We have absolute f***ed legends here. Don't more to bring down Russia than what more can you see?

Did you see that other, the Sierra Leone one? Yes, astonishing. So this was in football, a couple of, well, I think we can say questionable scorelines described by one's sources, impractical scorelines in the Cereo-Layon football competition. Golf FC defeated the Kokima Lebanon team, 91-1. But you know, our football is the manager, we say, I was disappointed, we didn't keep a clean sheet. And Lumbenberg united lost disappointingly 95 nil to their big rivals, Kohler Rangers. And people just, you know, jumps on this and say, well, this is, you know, terrible proof of wrong

there. But can we not just celebrate players finally clicking as a team? Which is, you know, it might have been one of those days where everything just flowed and they finally fulfilled their, their potential as size. We have to be undermined by our allegations that these were not authentic matches. The context of it makes it all so much more delicious. So these, so the cornering arrangers and Gulf SE who were the victorious teams in these games were going into these were, this was the final set of games, final round of games in the super 10, I think it's called in the in the serial home football league to see who would qualify for promotion to their Premier League. And it was which one of them was going

to win it. And the great thing is that at half time, Gohanal Rangers were beating LeBemboo in the United 2-0. And Gulf FC were beating Kokima LeBemboo on 7-1. But at half time, they figured out that it was going to be about gold different. So it was after half time that the scores went up and up as they tried to get the most astonishing gold difference in football, yesterday. It's amazing. And the General Manager of LeBembo is a guy called Mahamma Jansai Jalow said, this is a direct quote from him, and I love this. I'll never be part of match fixing. I'm calling on the football authorities to investigate both matches

and bring to book anyone found wanting. And if nobody has found guilty of any crime, then so be it! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER MUSIC Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Beagle. We'll be back next week with the latest in the gradual death of humanity as a species. Um, anything to plug to our listeners? Yeah, I've just defrontically googling my own name, Chris. Do you want to plug through our listeners? Yeah, I've just differentically googling my own name, Chris. Do you want to plug some stuff?

Okay, I'll go, I'll go. No, sure, why not? Yes, I have, as it happens, the third series of breeders, which is the show that I make with Simon Blackwell and Martin Freeman and Daisy Haggard, that is available to stream right now on Sky Comedy all 10 episodes. And it's going out on Tuesday nights on Sky Showcase if you like to watch things all school.

Could you get that internationally or just truly? You can get internationally. American listeners can see on the Hulu, it's streaming on Hulu, and it'll be in your local markets super soon. Google it. That's that's the only information I can give you If you live in Montreal on the 28th and 30th of July I will be doing my tour show as part of the Justful Arts Festival 28th and 30th of July What am I doing on the 29th?

30th of July. What are we doing on the 29th? Eating poutine. Dying of poutine. Yeah, I'll be I'll be filling myself with chips and cheese curd. That's the greatest dish. Actually, more likely I'll be at boost and which is an unbelievable show I'm in place right in the middle of Montreal. And don't forget to buy your tickets to the Bugle 15th anniversary live shows, which are coming up later in the year October and November in from memory Birmingham Dublin Glasgow and London. The dates somewhere online. I'll put my website at some point in the nearest future. You will be talking to me.

You will be talking to me. You will be talking to me. You will be talking to me. You will be talking to me. I'll be talking to you. I'll be talking to you. I'll be talking to you. You will be talking to me. I'll be coming. Have you put them up there already? Like about three weeks ago, Andy. Oh, well, I'm going. Well, that's terrific news. I'm also going to take a few more satris vahais shows in the middle of November.

But they're not. They're online in various places, but not on my website, hasn't been updated. Yeah, Andy, currently your website is advertising live dates from May 2022. That's what I asked. That's relatively recent. That's, and I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised to see it. I Thought it was gonna be announcing your debut Edinburgh run Yeah, you should bring back the dog a doom. Yeah, someday some day to 21 years

Probably dead now that dog. Oh, I'm the other guy that was in it. Um Anyway, Bugles. Thank you very much for listening. Don't forget, you can join the Bugle Voluntary subscription scheme. Go to the BuglePockers.com and click the donate button to give a one off or a current contribution to keep the show free, flourishing and independent and the Bugle Wall of Honor will be launched in the extremely near future. Maybe next week. Let's say next week we will launch the Wall of Honor.

It's on tape now. We record this on tape. you