The Bugle - Trump needs a better jokes writer!

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

On issue number 4373 of the Bugle, Andy is joined by Nish Kumar and Tom Ballard, as the they update on the Iran war, discuss Trump's joke writing skills, and delve into the latest controversy with the UK's Trump wannabe Nigel Farage!🇮🇷 Iran War Update: Andy, Nish and Tom give an update on the latest on the Iran conflict. 🇺🇸 Trump's War Gag: The trio discuss the US president's Pearl Harbour joke to the Japanese Prime Minister. 📱 Nigel Farage on Cameo: Andy, Nish and Tom discuss the latest news surrounding Nigel Farage and his antics on paid celebrity video sharing app Cameo! Andy's Links: andyzaltzman.co.ukNish Kumar's Links: https://www.nishkumar.co.uk/Tom Ballard's Links: https://tomballard.com.au/🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman, as you may know. The Bugle, as well as being the world's only ever, longest-running and arguably best audio newspaper for a visual world, is one of the very few fully independent media empires remaining in this thus far very silly millennium. Our voluntary subscribing listeners have made this possible, and you, if you are not already one, can join them to keep our shows free, flourishing,

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with my face on it. If that doesn't sell it, nothing will. I and my wonderful cohort of co-hosts will continue to blast the Bugle's trademark cocktail of satire, insight, puns, disinsight, and unashamed, high-grade drivel into your ears and all over the planet. Here's to another 18 and a half years minimum.

To become a true hero, or just to join the voluntary subscription scheme, go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. The Bugle! Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,373 of the Bugle, the voice of true falsehood in a world of false truths. I am Andy Zaltzman in the Bugle News Corp Fack Harvestry in South London. It's the 23rd March. 26. I had to get up really early today. We're recording at 9am

UK time and I got back from my tour show at Norwich at about 130 a.m. I had to get up at 6 a.m. to prepare for the bugle recording, not my natural time of day. So I put my phone on to look at the news headlines, 6am. And amongst the headlines were Cuba preparing for potential US attack, Minister says, four Jewish ambulances set on fire in London, children injured as Iranian missiles breach iron dome German children chant Nazi Nazi slogan at disco

Earth being pushed beyond its limits as energy imbalance heats planet warns US at Warns UN and American President gloats at dead guy But, buglers, despite that I didn't go straight back to bed Despite the overwhelming urge to do so And to do so not for a lion for an hour or two But for a proper hibernation for a decade or maybe even a century or two because this newscast is dedicated to fearlessly

looking truth in the eye and saying go fuck yourself truth this planet ain't big enough for the two of us so joining me this week to try to see off the dread threat of reality firstly here in London back from New Zealand a staging post in his effort to get from London to the moon it's Nish Kumar welcome back Nish

welcome to the correct hemisphere Good to see you Andrew nice to be the right way up hello buglers the only thing I would question about that otherwise flawless introduction, Andrew, was the use of the word fearless. We are a conglomeration of some of the most scared people in human history from all over the world.

I can't think of a single contributor to this news organisation that doesn't live every day, addled by terror. So that's the only thing I'd like to pick you up on on that point. I was in New Zealand, Andy. I was filming a sitcom. I've got a fantastic photo to share at some point when it becomes available because they blow-dried my hair straight. And let me tell you, it turns out that with straight hair, I look like someone who was waiting for a news alert to ping

with their own name and the phrase on the Epstein list next to it. It's a really bad look. I then went from New Zealand on holiday to Mexico City. What a city. Oh, my God. I went to a taco stand, and I saw them preparing me. And let me tell you, it was offensive to so many different religions, what was happening up there.

My God. Pork was being cooked next to beef. It was a real attack on the Jew-Muslim Hindu community. Fantastic city. I had the time of my life. It's one of the great places I've ever been. But people keep saying to me, oh, it's becoming like Lisbon is,

but for North American. So it's becoming a place where people who, people are going to work in their tech jobs. And the name that they have for these people is digital nomads, right? Digital nomads. Now, listen. I hate to sound like a parody of myself, but what is up with white people?

And how far will they continue to go to stop being called immigrants? Like how much more contortion can they put the English language through to avoid being labeled as immigrants? You're not digital nomads, you're computer immigrants, okay? Accept it and move on.

Well, you know, our glorious history of being, you know, cricket proselytizing nomads bringing the joys of humanity's greatest invention to the year. Yeah, we're just cricket missionaries. That's all we are. Yeah, that's right. Exactly. Cricket missionary is actually the first position

in the Karmusuitra as we written by Andy Zaltzman. Oh, yeah. Good God. Betty Snowball. Oh, God. Andy Zaltzman's Kama Sutra is definitely going to be made by one of the psychotic fans of this podcast. What's the silly mid-off position?

That's what I'd like to know. I'm fascinated by what short leg involves. Silly mid-off is illegal in several Africa countries. Well, as you've heard, joining us from Australia, one of the many lands that we were a cricketing missionaries too. It's Tom Ballard. Hello, hello, Tom.

Hello, Andy and Nish. I'm going to be here providing another attack on the Jewish Hindu Muslim community. Just like those people. Food. Hello. How are you, Tom? Yeah, fine. You know, despite everything,

very hard to find too many amusing news stories out there to riff on. I guess we'll try a best. Yes. We will indeed. We will indeed. We are recording on the 23rd of March, 2026 on this day in 1775.

Patrick Henry delivered his famous, Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death Speech in Richmond, Virginia, although the original text suggests that what he actually said was, Hello, everyone. Welcome to the fundraiser quiz for the American Revolutionary War. Question one, what do I want to be given? Is it A, Liberty, B, death, C, snacks, D, a puppy for Christmas

Or E, a man after midnight Later Later paraphrased to give me liberty or give me death On this day in 1909 Theodore Roosevelt left New York For his post-presidency Safari In Africa

Sponsored by the Smithsonian And the National Geographic Society He slayed literally thousands of creatures In the name of research As I believe we've talked about On the bugle at various points before Scientists have calculated that if because Teddy Roosevelt was a president

and therefore magic, if those creatures came back to life today on the 117th anniversary of Big Ted's departure on his career break shooting and looting lads on tour splathathon, those animals would make a more stable and reliable government than the current American regime. So that's something for bear in mind

for all Americans. As always, a section of the bugleist going straight in the bin. This week we have a special bugle royal rumours section. This follows reports that Sarah Ferguson, aka Fergie, the ex-wife of ex-Prince, Norty Andrew, was planning to clone the Queen's corgis for cash, according to rumours. So we have a special feature pull-out section on all the other rumours about the royal family, including that Prince Andrew, former Prince Andrew, when Duke of York tried to sell Yorkshire to a private collector,

the deal which would have earned the now sacked Prince £3,500,000, could have seen the historic county relocated to a new location in the Indian Ocean, which could have really affected the county championship and maybe later York to Yorks were relying a little more on spin and less on scene bowling. Another royal rumour, the former Duke of Edinburgh had a secret career as a WWF wrestler in the 1980s under the name of Eddie the Ed Crusher.

Further, the hedonistic Edward VIII, before he became king in his days as a pro prince, secretly appeared in an 1878 pantomime in London, playing the back half of a pantomime cow alongside celebrity music hall star Bitsy Strivel. It's rumour that his mummy Queen Victoria attending the gala opening night recognised the prince from his distinctive hip wickle

march onto the stage and whack the horse on the ass with her sceptor. Just a rumour. A further rumour, Henry VIII actually had 12 wives. He always married a body double at the same time as his actual wife, just in case. And also we have some royal rumours rumours 50 years since Fleetwood Mac produced their album rumours. And, well, royal rumours that, that's the premise of the joke.

Keep going. Yep, that's key to remember. Queen Elizabeth II. That's really crucial information. Queen Elizabeth II. Can I just say, Eddie, thank God you didn't go back to bed, by the way. Thank God you persevered. Queen Elizabeth II sang backing vocals on Go Your Own Way. This, after a deal was struck,

in which the band's American vocalist, Lindsay Buckingham, renounced his claim to be the rightful Duke of Buckingham and thus lawful owner of Buckinghampton. On the Rumors' Live tour, Princess Anne stood in for Stevie Nix in the Dusseldorf and Stockholm shows to enable Nix to attend the World Snooker Championships held for the first time that year

at the Crucible in Sheffield, 1997. And also the Queen Mother asked drummer Mick Fleetwood to be her partner in the Commonwealth Mixed doubles Timbersports Championships even offering the Rasputin-a-like percussion Easter use of her diamond-encrusted Royal Chainsawth for the events, but Fleetwood politely declined because he was busy in a studio recording.

That section in the bin. Top story this week. It's still happening. The Iran War has not yet finished, disappointingly. Despite the prayers of America's leading Christians, as reported on the bugle recently, God does not seem to have given guidance to Trump, or if he has that divine guidance

is somewhere between pure insanity and childish prank. And to be fair, I guess God does have a bit of a track record for revising quite odd-sounding stuff, as the end of Abraham's plonker would probably testify. So this first time I've had either of you on the bugle since the start of the current installment of... Look, I don't even know if it's World War III or if it's now just an extension of World War II,

which didn't essentially end. It just mutated via the Cold War into what we have now, which is basically how the 100 years war happened. that it was a kind of series of conflicts that history waged into one with a vague unified team. Which is not just counting the peace, I think. We should be like, let's just demarcate when peace happened and then just assume the default is war.

That would save so much time, Tom. Have you guys enjoyed it so far? What have you made of it? Well, look, let me just start by saying this. And let me be very clear here, okay? I have to go to America on Thursday. So I would like to read a prepared statement. I would like to say, given that I'm traveling to America on Thursday,

that I wholeheartedly support President Trump's agenda. And I wholeheartedly support the fact that he was mentioned, according to the New York Times, 38,000 times in the Epstein papers, a number that dwarfs, according to a study found by the London Economic Newspaper, the number of mentions of God and Jesus in the Bible combined, which they've tallied at 5,500. I just want to say that I support Trump wholeheartedly.

I think his actions are very legal and very, very fun. And also the fact that he's mentioned that many times in the Epstein papers is just evidence of being cool in the 90s. So if that's right, I guess we're going to have to lock up the Gallagher brothers and Winona Ryder and the band, cooler shaker, okay? And any attempt to suggest that I've ever said anything critical about President Trump is the result of a conspiracy theory propagated by the black Jewish-Muslim transgender lobby,

which is also gay. Well, thanks for that. No, Trinish, but you still said all that while being brown. Yeah, listen, it's not good stuff as we record. So Iran is currently blocking the Strait of Hormuz, which is one of the world's busiest oil shipping channels. And as we record on Monday morning on the 23rd of March, GMT, Iran has said that any kind of attack by the US on its coastline

will lead to a full Gulf closure, and it's threatening to lay sea mines under the kind of crucial infrastructure around that particular area. This comes in response to Trump threatening to Trump escalating his threats on Iran if they don't reopen the strait of Hormuz after a 48-hour deadline. Now, a lot of people are trying to work out

how this has all happened, and I'd like to sort of open with an apology to follow my legally binding declaration of support for President Trump. I turned 40 last year, and the day after I turned 40, I went into a shop that sells old trinkets, and I found in that shop of old trinkets,

kids, a monkey's paw. And I said to the man who ran the shop, what does this do? And he said, this is a monkey poor. It will grant you one wish of your choosing. So I bought the monkey poor and I made my wish. Now, the wish that I made is the same wish that every single 40-year-old makes. I wished to be 18 again. I didn't think it had worked initially. But now the US is conducting an illegal war in a country that starts with I. There's a new guerrillas album and new Scrubs episodes. It's 2003 again. I am 18. I apologise to the people of the world.

2003. I think that's the year my career started going downhill. I've been just on a gentle slide ever since pretty much. Andy, I think that's the year your career started. I'll be going way longer than that. Tom, have you and the nation of Australia, been enjoying this current flare-up. Yeah, mate.

I love the war. I think it's great. I think it's clear that America has won. And we know they've won because they've declared victory. In fact, they've won the war so hard. They've declared victory heaps of times. That's a really good sign. There's been a lot of criticism, like, how Trump and Netanyahu don't have clear war aims here,

like they don't have goals. And that's absolutely ridiculous. They've been really clear that when all this will be over, when they finally collect all six infinity stones, put them on their golden gloves, snap their fingers, and magically establish a greater Israel, and then everyone will be happy,

and I think we're really close to that. That's good. And I think it's just a fantastic vindication of the Board of Peace. I think the Board of Peace has been doing fantastic work. They've maintaining peace in the Middle East, apart from the war they've started. Michael Franty once saying,

we can bomb the world to pieces, but we can't bomb into peace, and I think we all know that shit's fucking gay. So I think it's a vindication of that. And I'm looking forward to see where it goes from here. It's an absolutely insane criticism to level at Trump and Netanyahu that they don't have clear aims. Whatever you might say about these two men, these are two men with very clear aims for this war. And that is to distract from allegations of corruption slash carousing with a paedophile.

Their aims could not be more clear here. It's just their aims are absolutely batshit. Like Netanyahu's... Netanyo is constantly facing corruption allegations in Israel. He's managed to prolong his trial on the basis that Israel is at war, a war that he started, which is obviously an incredible thing to be able to say, which is like, I don't know how this has happened,

apart from all of my actions. But yeah, they're very, very clear and specific in the aims that they're trying to achieve. It's just the aims are absolutely appalling. Yeah. And also, you know, let's add to those aims, creating total chaos for generations to come. You know, they've almost said it out loud.

So, yeah, President Trump has not yet sparked full regime change, despite his threat, strops, beefy wingings and assorted free-form tantrums. Aside from failing to bring about regime change in Iran, Lebanon is now, well, I guess, less encumbered by bridges, than it was as a nation until very, very recently as Nathaniela, who continues his efforts to make sure no one in the Middle East

on any side of any creed from any nation can sleep easy for the rest of time. A million people have been displaced in Lebanon, which, in terms of proportion of population, is the equivalent in the USA of the entire populations of California and New York states being forced from their... Oh, I should not have said that out loud.

Oh, that might have given... some people, some ideas. Scratch that, scratch that from the record. I guess the main question at this stage is, what the fuck's going on? Have you got any, any co-hearing answers to that? There was sort of an idea propagated in some of the,

I don't really know how to describe this other than podcast dullard sections of the American commentariat. That Trump's election would signal an end to, forever wars, right? And Trump sort of himself said, you know, he had no interest in wars and all this kind of stuff. We should be getting full apologies from some of these dumb gits that supported him.

They keep saying things like this wasn't on his agenda. He didn't promise this. You believed Donald Trump, a man congenitly incapable of telling the truth. Honestly, I would love to say, Joe Rogan and Andrew Schultz barrel loads of magic beans because I think those absolute morons

would buy it based on their outpourings in the last couple of weeks. Yeah, I can't believe they didn't believe in the foreign policy nowse of a man who once pronounced Thailand as Thailand. Thailand. Which I think was a club he went to in Moscow once,

wasn't it? Incidentally... I don't support that joke. I do not support that. that joke. Podcast Dullard, incidentally, is one of the planned new towns that the Labour government has just announced.

It's going to be somewhere in Bedfordshire, I think. At one point on Friday, there were two headlines simultaneously. One, Trump says America will wind down war and two, how would an American ground invasion work? How can those two headlines appear

on the same screen, the same piece of paper, at the same time. I don't know, I don't know, some sort of Schrodinger's chaos going on. Obviously, we've known for many years that trying to make any sense of the world is an exercise in pure futility that will end up with you staring blankly out of a window, muttering, but why? But we are experiencing an unprecedented Vesuviad of pyroclastic, contradictory, anti-logic, and it's left my brain feeling thoroughly pompeed. I guess it's maybe not on either war.

Maybe America will wind down the current war and then immediately start another war. I guess, you know, I mean, that's... With Trump's social media, he could declare an end to the war in one message on truth, social, and then within seconds, a new war has started. So he doesn't necessarily mean he's lying. Yes, he said that, you know, there'll be no more forever wars,

but there'll just be always wars. Yeah. In terms of the global impact, the International Energy Agency has been suggesting various measures amidst the rising price of fuel for people to save on their energy consumption. And this article said energy prices remain high due to, quote, the conflict in the Gulf. And now that phrase, a conflict in the Gulf is a charming if simplistic euphemism for the rancorous cancer at the heart of American public life. plus Benji Netanyahu's fervid desire to eternal discord, plus the determined failure of the global markets to insulate themselves even slightly from unexpected events.

But it's easy to just say because of the conflicts in the Gulf. So I do not support this humour. The suggestions were to, amongst the suggestions, to work from home. And all three of us during this recording, plus Harry the producer have picked up on that. We are all recording from our homes to drive more slowly to save energy. And again, we've not driven anywhere.

I drove back for Norwich last night, well below the speed limit because I care about the world. Do you have any other suggestions for how people might reduce their energy consumption? Well, I'd like to apologise because normally I don't have a real job and I can't drive. so I'm a huge contributor in a positive sense. Unfortunately, today I wasn't able to be at home, so I've actually gone to Pinewood Studios to the set of Avengers Doomsday, and I'm using their green screen to green screen myself

into a background that is my own study. I would like to apologize. I think it's been an energy inefficient day for me here. Avengers Doomsday is really exciting. That's a film in which the Avengers go around late, 11th century England, making a tally of all the farms and livestock and buildings. You have an unerring ability to home in on two references that no one can possibly understand both of. You have an unerring ability to pick so few people that can understand both an Avengers reference and a reference to the doves.

own book. And increasingly, the longer you and I work together and our friends, I realize that your humour seems to be squarely aimed at me. I am the midpoint of every reference that you are owned at, whether it's political history or cricket. Donald Trump hasn't just been busy failing to finish his little jaunt. He's also, found a bit of time for a chat with the Japanese Prime Minister. Now, it's funny the things you get nostalgic for these days. Wars in the Gulf that have at least a believable lie at their heart. Telephones with curly wires, muddy football pitches, the word legend having some meaning, the happy times when you had to put some real effort and legwork into insulting a stranger

rather than just using social media. Optimism. I do often think back to the times when I would look forward to the future. And American President, who don't make casual quips about Pearl Harbor. And we don't live in those times anymore. I mean, this was one of the most extraordinary, even on the Trumpian spectrum, making a Pearl Harbor joke whilst sitting next to the Japanese Prime Minister

and fair play to the Japanese Prime Minister, Sani Taikachi, for having the restraint not to respond, a couple of slightly awkward looks off-camera didn't either giggle or cry or shout, wind it in, you fucking shit.

So that's a level of restraint that I think we have to we have to admire. I mean, this was, I don't know, I mean, there's not many things that make you feel even gloomier about the world, but I'm not, I'm not, it was sort of a sub-basel-faulty-level jib

from the President of America. to the Prime Minister of a key economic partner. Anyway, it's 2026. So this was a joint press conference, as you say, with Sanai Takachi. And Trump was asked by a Japanese journalist why the US hadn't warned its allies that it was going to strike Iran on the 28th February. And then Trump's response, as reported on the BBC,

is verbating this. Who knows better about surprise than Japan? why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor? Now, setting aside the fact that that is one of the most insane things a world leader has ever said, it is a slight sort of bugbear of mind that people will often say, well, regardless of how you feel about Trump, he is very funny. Like, he's very, very funny.

The reality about Trump is that it's actually not very funny. Now, I don't want to, listen, I don't want to get into a position where I'm trying to position myself for someone who's punching up Donald Trump's material. But even if what you're trying to do is reference Pearl Harbor, the wording is actually incredibly clumsy. Why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor? You've got to clean that up a little bit, right? I understand the sentiment that he's trying to do is say, surprise attack Pearl Harbor. The basic core of the comedy is there, right?

So what he should have said is, who knows better about surprise than Japan? Come on, from the guys who brought you Pearl Harbor. That's how you clean up that joke, okay? His word order is clumsy. The problem with Trump is that he's not actually funny. It's the context that he exists in and the things that he say that creates a kind of disconnect. He is honestly like he's funny in the same way

that a dementia patient is funny because he just says, I'm not making any comment about his cognitive function, but that is the context in which he's funny. He's not actually funny in terms of the things he says are themselves witty or well phrased. He's funny because he shouldn't be saying those things. And he's funny in the way that he's genuinely funny

in the way that a person with dementia is sometimes incredibly funny because out of nowhere they will say the most unbelievably inappropriably inappropriate things that you can possibly muster. And it's, yeah, it's always been a bugbear of mine. And it also, he needs better. writers. Whoever it is that's writing is material.

I am putting myself forward to do a punch-up job on Donald Trump's comedy because it's sort of like it is sort of like someone's uncle at a barbecue. And I mean, she did well not to

immediately punch him in the face. To be absolutely fair to her, she did very, very well not to immediately punch him in the face. I mean, although if she did, that would have been a great surprise. That would have been a huge surprise. That would have been a huge surprise. If she punched him in the face and shouted Pearl Harbor this, you bitch,

that would have been a huge surprise. Also, I guess you could have gone with a factual answer of, well, it was four and a half years before you were born. Yeah, yeah. You didn't go with that. Just kept quiet and dignified. And also, I seem to remember you weren't a huge fan. of being directly involved in military intervention,

given that you're the reason I know what the phrase bone spurs mean. It's not Trump's first outing on the whole joking reference to World War II front. In June last year, when he was meeting German Chancellor Friedrich Mers, Trump joked that the 1944 D-Day landing of Allied forces in Normandy was not a pleasant day for you. Now, again, for all the transporters out there like you, Andy, Yes, Frederick Mers wasn't technically born until 1955, 11 years after D-Day,

so it's difficult to say whether or not the day was, in fact, actually pleasant for him. But I think we all know what Trump meant by that comment. And what he meant is that every German person in the world loves and support the Nazi regime. I think it's offensive about that. What's the deal? Obviously, we don't, not everyone can be guaranteed to respond with the same level of restraint as the Japanese Prime Minister. So we now have, for anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, a bugle do's and don'ts for meeting with Donald Trump.

Don't feel the need to pick up Mr. Trump on every single factual inaccuracy, or you may find that the decade has just run away with you. I can't remember if you're supposed to run in a zigzag or climb a tree or jump into the water if he comes in. I don't remember that. Avoid saying the words, yeah, right, in a sarcastic tone too often. Also, avoid looking at someone else. in the room rolling your eyes, gesturing at Mr. Trump

with your thumb and saying, this guy, do bring an interpreter and do not react to what Mr. Trump has said until the interpreter has translated it from Trumpian into both comprehensible English and, more importantly, subtext. If Mr. Trump starts rutting against a piece of furniture or someone's leg, don't criticise him. Don't criticise him. It's just his nature.

Hit him gently with a newspaper and praise him when he stops. So hopefully that'll help you in those situations. Well, of course, you know, don't get him wet. Don't feel him up a bit. UK's trainee version of Trump News now. And Nigel Farage has, to the grief-stricken disappointment of millions of people around the world, temporarily stepped away from Cameo, the website that enables you to pay celebrities some of money to record a message for you. This after a Guardian investigation revealed that Farage.

Marsh has said so many things in cameo videos that ought to instantly disqualify him from any form of public office for all eternity in exchange for basically between 70 and 150 quid a pop. And Nish, we all take money for saying stuff, mostly stuff we've written ourselves, to be fair. But obviously he's a busy man for us. He doesn't have time to check whether, in a message that he was recording,

he is overtly endorsing extremism or supporting criminals, or if the woman whose breast he's gambling on about, is a congresswoman fighting for respect and dignity in Trump's retro patriarchal America, has happened with comments he made about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. And he's got to earn a living, isn't he? I mean, sure, he has a full-time job as a member of parliament that he has to do part-time.

So, you know, he's got to earn, he's got to earn. in a living. It's a, the slight disappointment is that he's now off cameo so we've

slightly missed the chance to see if he can record a message plugging your your next tour Nish

which I'd love to do I'd say for that. Nish don't kill my vibe the reality is that he would do that

he will literally say anything for paid because not a lot of people know this about Farage. And we don't want to delve too much into people's medical histories. But he actually had a pioneering surgery called the world's first shameectomy. About 20 years ago, Nigel Farage surgically had his capacity for shame removed by a doctor. Yeah, the story is pretty astonishing.

It's a massive investigation by the Guardian into Nigel Farage's cameo output. So as you say, Andy, cameo. is a website where you can go and pay an amount of money for a celebrity or public figure to record a short, personalised video. He sort of charges, this sort of charge ranges from 141 pounds to 155 pounds. And just a brief summary of some of the materials that the Guardian has found are, he repeated a motto associated with the UK far right, referenced anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, and made misogynistic remarks, as you said, about left-doing politicians, including a comment about Congresswoman

Alexander Ocasio-Cortez's breasts. Some of the stuff that he said is sort of, I guess you would say, would normally disqualify people from having a political career. But with Nigel Farage at this point, it seems sort of, he seems sort of beyond scrutiny

or beyond accountability. I mean, he's given a pep talk to a Canadian neo-Nazi group where he's endorsed these slow, Logan, they have to go back. That's a Canadian far right group that Justin Trudeau described when he was prime minister as a white nationalist violent organization. When he's been asked about this stuff in the last couple of days,

he said, I will decline to comment on that. I don't approve of things being published in national newspapers that have been illegally obtained. Really, really interesting phrase there. I'll tell you what he didn't say. No, I didn't say any of that. That's quite a telling phrase. And so now, yeah, he is off cameo,

but the bugle actually can exclusively reveal that Farage remains on only fans. I'm waiting for the more thorough investigation into Farage's only fans output. He did so many. He made 4,300 clips since he joined cameo in April 2021. That is an average of 2.3 cameos every single day. There's bloody kids in their phones.

Hey, Nigel, how about You look up from your screen and you be racist towards the people that you're with in your life. It's called connection. But yeah, a lot of really disturbing things. Repeating motto is associated with the far right. He called for the release of P. Did he. He said that Canadian neo-Nazi group event would be the best thing that ever happened. And perhaps most disturbingly of all in one video appeared to recite the terrorist slogan, Hello Buglers.

I did love his response to the response to the game. criticism in this article. He said, when he's asked all these questions about the cameo thing, he said, this is ludicrous. This argument is ludicrous. If I have a shoe shop and I sell you a pair of shoes and it turns out the person that bought the pair of shoes is a former convicted murderer. Is that the fault of the person selling shoes? Now, I hate to be a pedant, but I just don't think that analogy quite tracked with this situation. A more accurate analogy would involve Nigel Farage, the owner of a shoe shop, selling shoes to a convicted murderer. But the The shoes have spray painted on the side of them messages like, I think murder is cool.

Or perhaps I believe that a Canadian neo-Nazi event could be the greatest thing that's ever happened. Also, the analogy would have to acknowledge that Nigel the shoe shop owner has sold 4,300 pairs of these shoes in the past five years, and is currently hoping to become the most powerful shoe shop owner in the country and reach a position where he might be able to use the power of the state to enact the horrific policies he's currently outlining in the messages that he's writing on the shoes. In response to the investigation, a spokesperson for Farage said his cameo videos should not be treated as political statements

or campaign activity, and that given he's recorded thousands of videos, the occasional mistake can occur. Listen, he who has not called for the release of imprisoned rapper Sean Diddy Coombs or repeated neo-Nazi catchphrases cast the first stone. Also, it's quite an astonishing thing.

I mean, even before we get into the insanity of the phrase, the occasional mistake can occur, just the acknowledgement that he's managed to record thousands of videos. This has a fucking job. And his job is being a member of parliament representing clacted in the House of Commons. How in the name of God, does he have,

enough time to do this. It's so unfathomable to me. And also, he's, the argument that he's trying to make is he doesn't believe any of this and he's just repeating these things uncritically. At a certain point, you cannot use that excuse if what you are Ron Burgundying is mine camph. You have to exercise in some capacity for critical thought.

He will literally read anything that is put in front of him. is not a great job application for Prime Minister of the United King. This is, I think, the main concern. I mean, much of politics in the UK at the moment is a game of judgment questioning tennis. It was Prime Minister's questions last week for Hugo Rifkin's Times Radio show. And it was the least edifying example of democracy and action. Kevin Bavnott was questioning Kier Starrma's judgment on Peter Mandelson. and Pete Stama didn't answer those questions

and just questioned Badenox's judgment on Iran. When I say it's tennis, it's not thrilling tennis. This is a kind of 1990s clay court baseline grind, not much in any of the shots, just getting it in court and waiting for a mistake from the other player. But Farage, but the thing is you say, I mean, this is not what you want from a prime minister, niche. The idea that a prime minister will say absolutely anything.

That's not what we're looking for. But Farage has in many ways built his, lack of judgments into his career. It's kind of like a badge of honour in his career. And obviously some voters in the UK and worldwide are seeking leaders who can be relied on for absolutely fucking terrible judgment calls who will unerringly do and say the wrong thing.

But it does seem that Farage has hit a bit of a ceiling, perhaps, at around about 25% of voters who actually want that. And the vast majority of the country does seem skeptical of the idea of having a prime minister who will say whatever you want him to say for 140 pounds. want that. We are the leader who cannot be bought and will stand

by his principles or a leader who prices themselves a bit higher than 140 quix. Come on. Raise the bar. Can I just say, just to further something I said earlier, you could not be aiming jokes more specifically just

at me than referencing, in order to clarify a point about British politics, referencing 1990s Clay Court tennis. I mean, we're talking muster against Regera here. Also, Farage doesn't have the defence of just being sort of unlucky or inexperienced and being caught, you know, trying this new thing of cameo to commune with his people. In 2021, as you say, start in 2013, he was hoodwinked into saying a pro-I-R-A slogan

in exchange for not much money. Up the RAR, he said. Of course, he claimed he was promoting the Royal. Academy's summer exhibition that year, but four and a half years to get a bit more selective about splurting out whatever anyone pays him to say doesn't seem to have quite mastered that delicate art as of of yet. Can I just say as one final postcript to this story,

given that what Farage is saying is he's not refuted that he said any of these things, but he said that they were sort of said in confidence and in good faith. It's probably also, just in the interest of balance, referencing the spokesperson for the Guardian News and Media Group who said that Farage's allegation that the data was illegally obtained is quotes entirely false, and then this is the direct quote. All of the cameo videos, and their associated data used in our investigation,

were publicly available on the platform's website. So Nigel Farage's allegation at the moment seems, and I might be misreading this, but it seems to be that reading things on the internet is illegally gathering information. And by listening to this podcast on a platform that has access to the, or a device that has access to the internet, you are committing a felony. Listening to this podcast is now illegal. It's another classic instance of lefty gotcha journalism, Mish.

It's just like the news limited phone hacking scandal if the victims had performed their voice messages in public through a loudspeaker for literally anyone who's prepared to pay for them. In the lobby of news international. I, justice for Richard Nixon. Justice for Richard Nixon. His only crime was Woodward and Bernstein fucking illegally gathering information, birds. Recording on the things that he has said.

Richard Nixon doing cameos would be fucking awesome to me. I love P. Diddy. Somebody let Diddy out of jail. Bad Boy Records was an important part of the development of Golden Era hip-hop. Number, a rule. And finally, on the bugle, a cheating update. We had a big section on cheating last week. And, well, there was a scandal at the World Stone Skimming Championships last year

in which, quotes, suspiciously circular stones had been used. to make sure the contestants in this hugely significant contest with the prize money in the hundreds of billions of pounds, I think, they brought in a geologist to check the stones. Now, look, there's so many examples of when sport gets taken too seriously. We talked about the ski jumpers, willy enhancements a little while ago. but when a stone skimming contest needs an on-the-spot geologist, you know that humans have consolidated their position

at the top of the natural world's least trustworthy species rankings. It's a, I mean, it's just, you know, it's a heart-rending story. I don't know what the geologists are going to be looking for saying, hey, mate, that stone is only 10 million years old. It has been at least 30 million years old. But it's just, you know, it just makes me doubt whether, whether humanity really has goodness at its soul. Tom, what have you, I know, I know you're a huge fan of stone skimming.

Yes, all my family's been in stone skimming for generations, really. And you think, wow, if we can't, if we can't rely on the trustworthiness and the sportsmanship of our professional stone skimmers, what is left, really, in this broken world of ours? I do want to say, I do think of that geologist. Do you think what that geologist was studying for years at university going through exams? is that where they hope to be ending up as a fucking rock umpire at a stoneskivings competition in rural Scotland? I will say that the person in charge of this competition is known as the Tossmaster, and I did see a photo of an old man competing in the competition wearing a t-shirt that said old tosser,

and I thought that was really good. Yeah, listen, I think we can all agree. At the end of quite a stressful news week, the journalist who has written this article in The Times, has had an absolute wail of a time. The headline is geologists called in after stone skimming contest rocked by cheating claims. So just immediately, immediately this person has weighed in.

The Kyle Matthews, this person being Andy's ultimate. Yeah, it really is. Like at one point, one of the people who's given testimony to this thing has said the officials are leaving no stone unturned and there's rule bending

listing of geology who has stones in their boats and listen as a huge fan of sport and a huge fan of sports stories that involve doping I want them to go even further I want to find out people's elbows were pumped full of anabolic steroids to help them achieve a more effective skim I want to hear that they've been

injecting stones with Botox to really smooth out the edges. They said, if you're going to have a doping scandal, go the whole hog. Let's get Lance Armstrong down there and really go wild on this thing. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Hopefully the world will be a better place by the time we record next time. We've got a week off next week for the planet to sort shit out, and then we'll be back in a couple of weeks' time in April. Thank you for listening this week.

do come and see my remaining tour shows details of venues plus ticket links at andy zaltzman dot co.uk. Tom, anything to plug? Yes, I'm also in tour in a real country called Australia. The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is about to kick off. I'm there. Then I go to Sydney and Brisbane. My show is called Be Funny Challenge, Open brackets, Impossible, Close brackets. It's very funny and I'd love everyone to come along. It will be coming to Edinburgh and the UK later in the year. You can go to comedy.com.com.a.u right now. and book your sweet, sweet tickets. Nick?

Yes, Andy, I have frantically open my own website's gig page. If you live in America, I'm doing some new material shows. I think there's one in Los Angeles, California. We've added a late show on the 10th of April. I think there's going to be another show added on the 17th of April in Austin, Texas, but I think there's still some tickets left on the 18th. If you live in anywhere near Princeton in New Jersey, I'm doing the MacArthur Theatre on the 2nd of April.

So there are tickets available for that. If you don't live in America and you live instead in the United Kingdom or Ireland, I'm on tour from September and there are tickets available at nishkumar.coma.com.com. Consider yourselves thoroughly plugged. One of our best ever plugging sections. Honestly, that was the slickest it's ever gone. I'm Nigel Farage and I endorse this message.

Thank you for listening, Buegel's. We'll be back on... We're recording on the 7th of April with Alice Fraser and NATO. Green will have a sub-episode for you next week. Until then, thank you for listening. And if you want to join the Bugal Voluntaries subscription scheme to keep this show free, flourishing and independent for the rest of time

and avoid us having to supplement our incomes by repeating messages from Nigel Farage fans. for the profit money. Go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Goodbye.