The Bugle - Two horses, dead horses (4195)

Episode Date: May 25, 2021

Andy is with Nato Green and Anuvab Pal to look at chaos in the Middle East and horse funerals in Covid ravaged India.Subscribe to Tiny Revolutions with Tiff Stevenson, episode one, with Armando Iannucci is out now.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - COLD AND WET WEAVER T SHIRTS ON SALE NOW).The Last Post, keeps appearing here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAnuvab PalNato GreenAnd produced by Chris Skinner  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4195 of the Bugle. Audio newspaper for a tired, techy, troubled, turbulent, but still, to visual world. For 5Ts, with me, Andy Zoltzman, I am here in London.

The UK in this week's podcast comes with a free bonus extra millisecond, which if you play it backwards, slow down 100,000 times, contains the secret to eternal life and happiness. We can't tell you which millisecond it is, and it is in bargoed and password locked until the year 3021 for public safety and global economic purposes, apologies for that, but do please keep this episode safe for your descendants. Joining me, this week, two people who both ironically had antecedents who lived 1,000 years ago, would you believe it? To tell us all about them, please welcome

from opposite sides of the Pacific Ocean, 8,400 miles apart as the crow would fly if it could fly much, much further than crows can actually fly. Had a 1,740 mile flight range was what I discovered on the internet, albeit from one uncorroborated internet page that was the only one that came up with a number about how far crows can fly. So 8400 miles apart as 4.8 crows flight in a relay crossing the Pacific, if indeed the point eight of a crow could in fact complete the, anyway, the point is in San Francisco

and Mumbai respectively, it's NATO green and Anuva Powell. Welcome to both of you. Hello Andy, hello, buglers, which one of us is in Mumbai? I can't remember now that but got out of control. That's it. There was a lot of words without a full stop as I'm now described apologies. It's a time portal between the two. How are you, Knight? I'm good, Andy. I this week, this past weekend, I returned to live standup for the first time in 14 months. I had three spots.

It's, it feels, it makes the blood pulse to be back on stage in a comedy club again. I don't have an act. So I'm what I'm doing is as a political comment, most of my material is torched. So I'm like panning through older material and bugle jokes to figure out what's still irrelevant. It turns out this may come as a shock to you, but the San Francisco audience in late May 2021

is not very enthusiastic about my Irish backstop jokes. So back to the drawing board it is. Right. Well, I mean, I can only think, you know, when I get back to stand up, which will hopefully be a some point later later this year. I mean, really, all I'm going to have is cricket statistics. And that is going to be it. And I'm not sure I can, that's not, maybe not, not going to fly in San Francisco, if I've ended up by that. And if I have, how are you, how are things in India? Fantastic, as usual.

I'm quite, actually, that's fantastic. I'm just flown from Mumbai to Calcutta to be with my parents. And as I landed, I found out we're about to get a super cyclone. Oh. And that I landed, I found out we're about to get a super cyclone. And that's what we really needed after the world's worst COVID outbreak. But if it feels, you know, it makes Bupilis feel better. The name of the cyclone, it was given by the Meteorological Association of Oman. Apparently, there is such a thing and they called the cyclone yes, Y-E-A-S, yes. So there's something morbidly brilliant about that name.

Yeah, that sounds kind of celebratory, doesn't it? Yes, yeah. Something you get child would say to you often, beaten you at Uno or something. Yes, yeah. The telegraph newspaper and I've got to have the headline today, yes, it's coming. So I don't know what. Yes, it's coming. So I don't know what I'm supposed to take from that, but the fun never stops in India. It is in T. Oh, good. Endless. I guess a super cyclone is probably more fun than a viral pandemic.

I don't know how you grade these things in terms of funness. I mean, they're not going very high, but everything's relative, isn't it? We are recording on the 24th of May. Obviously, that's the 32nd birthday of my former dog, Emeril. I can't believe she's gone. Also, on this day in 1626, Peter Minuit bought Manhattan, the Dutch Chancellor bought the renowned island for a box of random shit worth about 25 bucks, according to legend. Now the price of the average Manhattan sandwich, I think it's fair to say that Manhattan has changed somewhat over

the past 395 years. In those days, for example, the city did in fact often sleep. And although the metro system wasn't up to much and there weren't so many major league baseball teams, it was less polluted and better for dog walking. So all in all ups and downs and probably a fair price. On this day in 1844, Samuel Morse, the star of the Morse code invention, sent the message, what hath God wrought from a committee room in the US capital to his assistant in Baltimore to inaugurate

a commercial telegraph line between Baltimore and DC and is assistant Alfred Vale responded, God be like, oops, I've wrought something again. And hence, we memes were born. Morse in Morse code is, oh, it's a very exciting one actually, It's dash dash dash dash dash. Dot dash dot dot dot dot dot six all between dashes and dots after dashes took a seemingly impregnable five nil lead off to two letters of a five word surname, but a great fight back from dots for a thrilling draw and it's going to overtime. We'll report back next week. As always, a section of the viewable is going straight in the bin. This week an are you a billionaire, psychometric test? It's been a great pandemic for billionaires. We may touch up on this later on, but many people aren't actually aware that

being a billionaire is not a question of money. It's a state of mind. And so many of you, buglers might actually be unwitting billionaires without having the bank balances to prove it. So to help you find out whether or not you are a billionaire, we have a psychometric test, simply answer these three questions

as accurately as possible and we'll tell you whether or not you are a billionaire. So scenario one, you have a large yacht. Someone gives you $200 million. No questions asked. Do you a, call the police? B, Say, thank you Mr. Hancock. Of course I can get you 10 billion nurses outfits by Wednesday. Or do you see. Buy another yacht. Obviously. That is scenario one scenario two is a prince from a small but oil rich nation emails you. Do you A.

Immediately delete the email and warn your friends and family that you think your email has been hacked? Do you b, email the Prince back with the meme of David Attenborough telling him he's been a very naughty boy? Or do you see, say, hi buddy, what is it this time? Do you want a football club, a fighter jet, or an alibi? So do make your choice for scenario two. They're finally scenario three. Your child is interested in outer space, so do you A, go on YouTube to watch some videos about it, do you B, buy your child a telescope and a book about planets but say realistically we are stuck here for good and there's no point to looting ourselves otherwise by which I mean no you can't watch Star Wars again the crickets on, or do you C, send your child into outer space in their own private rocket. So do answer those and if you've got mostly seas,

then you are a billionaire. Congratulations. [♪ BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL is heading for yet another choppy millennium. That will make it a world leading seven from seven four house of choppy millennia for the world famous region since this planet came into existence. There is currently a tentative ceasefire after the recent violence when the world looked on nervously and hoped that all hell would not break loose as it is some hell broke loose but not all hell currently. So let's hope that we stay with some hell rather than all hell. More than 250 people have been killed

including around 70 children. Most of them in Gaza, it's a humanitarian catastrophe on numerous levels. And I mean, let's be honest, this is a tricky topic for comedy. And whatever you say about it, people are going to be pissed off on one or more sides. NATO, you are our Middle East Rukshans correspondent, being as you are one of God's chosen people, like my good self. Just bring us up to date with the latest, and whether in fact God has come out of retirement to clarify any of the

Squabbles about the about the land And you're not kidding about how easy it is to offend everyone on all sides I spent a lot of people spent the 11 days of violence in Palestine To the feverishly watching the. I spent 11 days trying to decide if I should play a game and get myself immediately canceled by the entire political spectrum, simply by tweeting Zionist or...

F***. So, which would have done the trick. Right. So, I did not. All right, congratulations. Thank you. I exercise I exercise for holding that to get this entire podcast canceled in state. Yeah, that's right. So, so the, the news media currently calls it a conflict in which extremists on quote, both sides are responsible for violence and it is a conflict with both sides in the same sense that I had a conflict

with my snooze button for 40 minutes after the alarm went off. One side controlled the result and electricity itself. And the other side could it most make a vaguely annoying sound for every eight minutes. So those are the sort of the sides. And like as a Jew, it's hard to, because whenever Israel does something shitty, people want me to have an opinion about it. And I can tolerate a basic level of answering for a annoying shit that Jews do, like every Adam Sandler movie,

but this is dog shit. Kick them out of the tribe, give them their four skins back. These motherfuckers make me look bad. And you're, like, you can't criticize Israel without a lot of hemming and hain. Like you have to yes Israel has the right to defend themselves. Yes, there have been excesses on both sides. Yes, Hamas is horrible. Yes,

Houdbarak made a generous offer in 2001, but at least we can all agree that killing 70 children is bad. Like it's loaded with conditions like a baked potato is loaded with chives, olives, and cheese. It is as if Zionism is paid by the word. Zionist win arguments the way that my little brother did through sheer staying power. Yeah, it may look like you won the debate, but you just kept talking to everyone else got sleepy and had to pee. So last weekend, there were marches all over the world, which was unprecedented to see that

level of mobilization and solidarity with the people of Palestine. And I took one of my 12-year-old twins down to the Free Palestine, March in San Francisco. And the neighborhood, like usually the marches in San Francisco are downtown, but this was in a neighborhood that's a bit more of like a hipster shopping neighborhood. And so the intersection was completely clogged. There were 10,000 people protesting for a pre-Hallistine, but then there were some people who were happened and happened to be there,

who were just like trying to get to brunch. And so they were like, excuse me, Mr. Palestine will be free. I'm trying to get to the Brioche French toast. Is it that over there? So that was fun. And it was like a big learning experience for my kid. You know, answering their questions about the signs,

like people were chanting, we don't want two states, we want 48. And they were referring to, they want to return to the 1948 borders, but my kid was like, they don't want two states, they want 48, why, they want a return to the 1948 borders, but by kid was like, they don't want two states, they want 48, why would they want 48 states? One state sounds like plenty of states. So, Well, is that so, you're going to get rid of two from the USA?

Yeah, right. That's so. Well, it is, I don't know about it, sir. a, I mean, I guess when we think of the Israeli military action, I guess it's a perennially fine line between self-defense and slaughtering defenseless children in their homes, that's always a tricky one to stay balanced on. And I guess, you know, both sides, as NATO are saying, both sides have been doing bad things. I guess both sides, as NATO are saying, both sides have been doing bad things. I have the Grand National Horse Race, where you've got two trainers cheating. One is cheating by giving its horse steroids, and the other is using a supersonic jet fighter in a pantomime horses outfit and wins the race at a record, 15.3 seconds.

Both are wrong, but one definitely has a strategic advantage in terms of, in terms of hardware. And looking at the history of it, and maybe you can shed some light on this, and a lot of it, you know, goes back to the early 20th century and the British carve up of the region. I mean, obviously, you know, Britain learnt from any mistakes that were made in that and future carve of regions when absolutely seamlessly for the rest of that century. Is that correct? Yeah, I mean, I can't think of any other countries that Britain divided up in the 1940s.

It's a very quiet time when it's been to borders in Britain. But you know, one thing that's been interesting to me a lot, and David and you, maybe you guys know something about this, has been this iron dome that Israel has. And it's been all over the papers, some sort of a shield to cover entire country. And I was trying to look at the map of West Bank. And I guess it's a good thing or a bad thing. I live in a very large country.

And I figured what it would look like if the size of West Bank a sort of similar violent protest broke out in India. And I realized that the police is so close that I'd have to fight with my local Biryani shop, which is 4 streets away. That's how tight it seemed like the place was. Well, it's certainly it's not the most equal of contests. One side has the violence military hardware that money, money, can possibly buy. And I guess that always helps in any argument, doesn't it?

Having high quality military hardware, Nate, I've lost track of the number of arguments I've won purely by relying on American military products that have been sold to me over the years. Yeah, why have the best argument when you have Tomahawk missiles? And if you're going to be doing colonialism at least name your colonial weaponry after the genocide of Native Americans, Tomahawk missiles, Apache helicopters. helicopters. The UM had passed a resolution during the fighting resolution 2574 as things looked on particularly sharp knife edge and that resolution simply said, I got, I got, I got, please, an exceptional success and pledged a new level of force

about to deal with future rocket attacks. Hamas itself was spoken of the euphoria of victory. And it proudly said the conflict had opened the door to new phases that will witness many victories. Now, one of the aspects of the situation was a number of footballers waving Palestine flags in solidarity with the Palestinian people. This happened off the FA Cup Final, one by a Leicester City.

And the players were heavily criticized by people saying sport and politics should not mix. I mean, politics gets into every aspect of life. Would you be more would you be more into sports if there was more overt politics in it? Oh, yes, absolutely. Like, I mean, I would I would love it if during a basketball game, one of the maneuvers was the filibuster. That would be fascinating to me. If during a soccer match, what you would call football, there was a discussion, they paused the game to have a discussion of preemption. So yeah, that sounds great to me.

Yeah, but they never talk about getting politics fans more into sport. And I think that there's a, a, a, a commercial demographic that sport is missing, missing out on Lawrence Fox. The failed London, Merrill Candidate and full-time gobshite provocateur, called for these footballers to be hounded out of, of the game. Now, Lawrence Fox has spent much of the last, however long he's been inserting himself into British public discourse, banging on about how important free speeches, and now he's complaining about football as expressing freedom of... This is a classic maneuver of

the right-wing dick. Elsewhere in the Middle East, well, good news for democracy fans, Syria, which has had what can only be described as a disappointing last 10 years in terms of not descending into an intractable spiral of chaos and destruction under the murderous now to batter Alice said, it's going through the poll this week. It's election fever time in Syria, bad news for democracy fans. We already know the result. But Alice said, batter Alice said, is going to win big bash. As he's known who oddly sponsors a cricket league in Australia. I'm not done to go over the sport and politics arguments again, but that seems wrong. It looks like he's going to stick to rocket launcher shaped fingers up those who claim you

don't win elections if you slaughter, displace and violate your own people. Andy, Bashar Alessad needs to stay out of sports and stick to humanitarian abuses. Nish. Well, he's a classic example. You know, people say, yeah, keep policy. But if Bashar Alasad had, you know, not become president of Syria, but had become president of the world croquet association, I think the world would be a happier place. And if I'm how excited do you by the Syrian elections this week? Very much. I just read a Guardian article that I think really some of the Bashar al-Assad it said he's come a long way from where he started out which was as a mild mannered ophthalmologist. And I always felt you know those to be the most dangerous you know they start out

And I always felt, you know, those to be the most dangerous, you know, they start out, they start out like that, and as lunatic dictators. You know, living in a chaotic democracy, I always feel for other chaotic democracies, but in this particular election, I feel particularly for those who will run against us out, because it takes a lot of optimism. I'm imagining the best case scenario for the opposition leader is that you win and you disappear into a state prison for a little while. What this is turning into isn't the world f***ed up section and let's move to another despotty government, Belarus, and it's suspiciously moustacheoed

leader, Lukashenko, has made a play for a bit more international scrutiny of its, frankly, a more foreign leadership by hijacking a Ryan air flight. It wasn't just your average commoner garden hijacking. It was a gambit that were not so politically motivated with such worrying implications would be regarded as just a bit of a prank fake bomb threat to this Ryanair flight causing a plane that was on route between Athens, in Greece and Vilnius and Lithuania to make an emergency landing in the Belarusian capital Minsk then cheekily arresting the 26 year old journalist Roman Protossavician activist and writer who is not always a 100% complementary towards Mr. Lukchenko. It's um, I mean let's be

on it. Lucaschenko is a leader who wears his leadership style under his nose with a moustache that says I've looked at history and I'm going to lay my cards firmly and herally on my upper lip and he's basically just stolen an airplane to arrest a political opponent and there seems to be absolutely f*** all that anyone could have done about it. Yeah, I mean, look, if this became standard, which is, you know, hijacking commercial planes and turning them around, I mean, I've fled many cities after dubious gigs and if this became standard, they'll make the plane turn around and make me face my audience for my sins. Look, as Shanko has been described as Europe's last dictator, a tag that is looking increasingly like hopeless optimism.

And the European Union is not happy. It's a flight between two of its member states on an airline that is based in another of its member states. And it was hijacked and taken to another country. So I think if the EU is not happy, I think this means in Brexit Britain, we have to support look a shanko and Belarus and say that this is absolutely fine and this 26-year-old dissident journalist, Prada Savich, probably hasn't, he's on a Ryan Air flight. It's quite possible that he simply had not paid the 29 euros 99 search charge not to be kidnapped by the Belarusian regime. And, you know, that he could have still paid it in flight at the high cost of 59 99, but

the card reader wasn't working. So there was nothing I could do to stop him being pilfered into custody. And it's claims that the Belarusian KGB were on the flight. But there's no law that says you're not allowed to do your job on a flight, is there? I mean, every flight I'm on, I do a tight 45 minutes of primal-observational stuff about the snacks and stuff, as is my right. And then I tip my work hats and I do some stats all relevant. And I think, I'm mostly reassuring for airline passengers, of course, some people who don't understand probability get a bit cranky when I use the phrase,

it's not quite 100% certain a few people have survived from this altitude, but you know, we're allowed to do work on flights, if the pilot and the navigator and the flight attendants are allowed to work, why not KGB officers? I don't see any difference. We've got to be morally consistent.

The flight attendants are not allowed to work. India news now, and well, Anivab, as you mentioned, things are not completely fine in India right now. The Indie government, however, has started to get things back under control by just trying to stop people saying that it's not under control. An example of this has been that social media platforms have been able to take down content that are refers to the Indian variant of the coronavirus. And I mean, how successful is this being? But you know, if you just stop people from mentioning it, does that make it go away?

Well, yeah, you know, it's a good strategy, you know, it's totology. True falls, falls, falls true, you know, I think you can build a mathematical model around it. So what's happened here is that the Indian government is dealing with two variants, which are known as the Indian variants, the B1617.1 and the B1617.2. But I mean, obviously, we've had the British variant and we were quite proud that it was a British variant. We proudly sent it off into the world to cause Mary Havak and now we don't want other variants coming back into Britain, winning Britain a special award for most obviously metaphorical national COVID response.

So that's been quite exciting. Quite, but I mean, for Modi, it's kind of class of it, if I close my eyes, you can't see me. It sounds like Modi is ahead of state with the cognitive development of a two-year-old who's still struggling with object permanence. There are so many of those types of states. That if mom goes behind the piece of paper, she's gone away.

Correct. Look, I mean, you guys know an object to be a thing, right? Like, you are looking at your laptop and saying, this is a laptop. Now for Prime Minister Modi, it's a range of options. He's a Hindu mystic, anything is possible. The laptop could be a monkey, the laptop could be a spirit, laptop could not be there. It really depends, and Andy, from this vivid description,

has clearly spent some time with the Prime Minister for Mascost Road, watching him do what he does with his crocodile. So you realize that he works in a sort of businessism. Yesterday he gave a televised address for me, Scorsrode, for watching him do what he does with his crocodile. So, you know, you realize that he works in a sort of business and yesterday he gave a televised address in which he started crying. He was in tears. And a lot of comedians were putting out memes with actual crocodiles and Prime Minister Modi at the same time. And in terms of treatments, the vaccine rollout is slightly problematic because there are, well, let's over a billion, well, 1.4 billion people, it is, that's quite a lot of vaccines

that are needed. So, I understand some people are turning to other possible medical solutions. Yes, it's been quite interesting for us, Andy, because we found out that apparently the government announced that everyone can be vaccinated. 18 upwards, you can get a vaccine. But apparently one of the small problems tends to be that you can't get a vaccine if you haven't ordered any. There seems to be some sort of correlation. Right. Having to order it and then pay for it and then receive it. I think it's a very Western notion. It's very new to us. Just very quickly, something just happened today in India that, Andy and NATO, I want to ask you guys what you thought of this. Now, obviously

we're in lockdown. You know, our debts are still going up. And yet, hundreds of people in the state of Karnataka as Belgarvi district violated COVID-19 restrictions to attend the funeral of a horse. The horse belonged to a local religious organization and upon its passing a lot of people gathered to participate in the funeral. I just want to know morally where you stand on horse funeral to your own COVID, just as a policy and how many of those you may have attended. Well, I guess it depends on the horse, really. I mean, how good was this? I mean, no doubt it was an absolutely terrific horse as horses go, the horse. I mean, can do all manner of horse-ic tasks, but with extra religiosity to really horse it

up to the horse max. So you can understand why people want to pay tribute to the horse. But I mean, it does suggest the COVID messaging isn't entirely getting through to dead horse mourners. Look, I don't want to assume that a horse funeral follows the same ritual practices as a human funeral. Like when you say horse funeral, I imagine like a coffin and a wake and people in suits and giving eulogies that kind of thing But it could be I mean, what do I know it could be that a horse funeral is a totally different kind of affair

It could be that for the funeral of a horse you just go to the water slides like it You know what I mean? It could be something else entirely So and if it's the water slides, then maybe I would think about it. In other animal news, now, well, this goes to the United States NATO in Americans being told not to get off with chickens news. The CDC has urged America not to smooch its chickens. I mean, do Americans spend a lot of time kissing chickens and if so, why? Don't kink shame me, Zoltzman. Don't knock it till you try it. Do you know? It's a way of, it's not just chickens, but it's other poultry as well.

And I don't know if you realize how much kissing chickens and other poultry improves the taste. Right. Like you know how delicious fwagri is when the duck is restrained and force fed acorns. Now imagine how much better that would be if the duck got to make out a little versed. But can we not preach abstinence here, Naita? Kind of America in these difficult times, not be, you know, just, just, yeah, hold it in,

take your chicken out for no strings dinner, make it clear it's not going to lead to anything physical, just just let it build up more gradually until the salmon are scared. I mean, it's just yeah, everyone's so just so desperate to get down to it with their chickens that you're not prepared to white like in the old days. I don't know if you realize how sexy American chickens are, Andy. To be fair, no, don't. It's a whole different level of sexiness than the kind of ugly it's a whole different level of sexiness than the kind of ugly week-chin chickens that you have with the UK. Right. Here, there's a famous fairy story that if you kiss a frog, it might turn into a prince, which has been around in this kind of a lot. I believe to date back to the future, George IV, having a skin infection and an enlarged thyroid after a particularly hard year on the

booze. But in America, it's, to people think, oh, if I kiss a chicken, it might become a president or a vote or a double down the renowned chicken sandwich stroke, one discoloury crimes. But is that what people are going for when they kiss their chickens? There's an American, there's an old American myth that if you, if you kiss a chicken, it'll, it'll turn into a gun. Man, there's a lot of people kissing chickens in America. British COVID news, there's some confusion over where and whether people are allowed to go on holidays following the reopening of recent weeks. And the introduction of a traffic light scheme that categorises countries as green, amber or red. And there's a lot of confusion.

The government base has gone about this with a clarity of a medieval pope trying to explain American football to a narwhal. And no one quite knows where that so travel to foreign countries is now a classic cocktail of legal not advised safe risky allowed discouraged fun again and a journey into the withering soul of dashed hopes. The current government advice and whether you should go on holiday to the amber list countries is no you shouldn't. The answer was yes eight seconds ago and I began the sentence, then it flitted into maybe, but is now a definite no, it's become maybe yes again. And I'm just hearing it's now downgraded to maybe no scratch. It's definitely not unless you really want to or you're f***ing minted. It's now no again, but

it is yes, but only if you want to make up an excuse to make it sound like a work trip. So I hope that's clarified. The problem is the amber list of countries that we have here was wrongly assumed to refer to the amber of traffic lights, whereas in fact it means amber in the style of one of those pieces of amber containing a trapped insect that hasn't gone f***ing anywhere for 20 million f***ing years.

Thousands of holiday makers, however, took amber to mean amber as in the amber of a London traffic light and zoomed off at high speed within 0.1 seconds of the new regulations. Andy, can I just share with you that in California, Amber evokes something different, which is, so I read this story through that lens,

which is the Amber alert refers to the police warning when a child has been abducted. Right. Okay. So that's what I associate British travel rules with. the police warning when a child has been abducted. So that's what I associate British travel rules with. No, right. Okay. Yes. Right. I mean, that's what you shouldn't do that on holidays. Let's not advise that. And even I nothing to do last year, I looked up the green list of countries that United Kingdom had. And now

the list is growing, but back then there were only four places and one of them was Faroe Islands. Yes. And I looked up what's fun to do with Faroe Islands. And the answer was, you can go for long walks if you happen to be aing. So now there are 12 countries and I think Portugal is being added, the Israel is being added. The Deputy Chief Medical Officer here, Jonathan Van Tam, said a really extraordinary thing about travel and whether or not you should go. He said everything is relative. And the other bit of relativity is whether you're, when you go abroad, jumping into a pond with one shark in it or jumping into a pond with a hundred sharks in it,

it changes the likelihood that you're going to get bitten. Now, there is, I mean, for a start, this is a senior public official in the middle of a pandemic, and it does suggest he has not been getting a lot of sleep in the last 15 months. But also, for a start, I mean, if you're looking at a pond and it has any sharks in it, you're not going to get in the f***ing pond. It's not like, I mean, it's more like making a choice between jumping into a pond that has between zero and one sharks in it. Anything below half a shark, you might take your chances.

And this gentleman's view of relativism just seems to be like you'll be relatively dead or absolutely dead. Although I have to say, Andy, they told I went to Dubai once and they had a shark in a mall. Was it a mall of embers? Yeah, they had a massive aquarium and there was a shark staring at a Gucci store. Was it the general manager? And what dating sites have been including vaccination status on now I'm a bit out of the loop on dating sites because I've been with with my now wife since the last millennium. So I'm not fully up to date with what's going on on dating, but is there a lot of people look for in love now? Just a basic vaccination status, is that rather than a shared taste in music? Yeah, well, what do I know? I'm in the same

boat as your Andy. I've been with my wife since before online dating. My wife and I have been together for so long that when we got together, our song was no dickety. And so I have no idea, but I listen to the kids and the young people today talking about the online dating. And I think it came from the criminally unhipped Biden administration, the proposal to the plan to tie to dating sites, but I think they're taking the wrong approach. I think the way to use these sites to get more vaccination participation is to use the hookup and kink sites and not the searching for a partner sites.

They should have been using Grindr field and FetLife and give out vaccines through the sites. You know what I mean? Let people get jabbed while they're getting jabbed. So, because the thing about kinks is that if you can imagine it, someone is into it and it is 100% certain that someone's fetish is getting a vaccine shot right in the gouge at the moment they come. Family show, Nader. Right in the gouge, a gouge famous England cricketer of course.

Not known for vaccinations. No, no, no, no, no, no. And Grindr of course is, I mean, that was initially an app that had vaccinations? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, a thing for matrimony. At some point in India, we'll find a way to make arranged marriages based on vaccines. So it's very unlikely that two Pfizer vaccine people would be allowed to marry two Moderna people. And then we would come up with a coded society where AstraZeneca has to stay with AstraZeneca. Well, we had sounded like a nice jolly joke, but there was something so dark about that. So, you're a tree-of-a-breed rock.

I think we should close this episode of The Bucal on that before we start thinking about it too much. It's been a pleasure having you both on any shows or other works to tell our listeners about. Well, as part of the Return to Life stand-up. I have another show next weekend, but I'm told it's a secret show, so I can't tell you. So if you should be in the vicinity of the city of Alameda next Saturday, apparently I have a show, but you have to be in the note to find out about, I don't understand how these kids do things. But otherwise, I have two comedy albums out. The Whiteness album was my last

album and the best way to get it to support the artist is to buy it on band camp. But, you know, do it. You do you, Nate O'Greene at Twitter, Mr. Nate O'Greene on Instagram. I'll see you next time. And if I'm anything to any forthcoming events? Yes, I mean, I'm going to go from my bedroom to my living room, so that's the plan for the next month. But we continue doing our podcast our last week, which is on Spotify. So you are interested in knowing the cutting-edge science with which we're dealing with COVID and other whimsical happenings in India at our last week on Spotify.

You can hear me hosting the news quiz for the next couple of weeks before this current series and you can get the hold of the series via BBC's Sounds and well from the middle of next week I will also be talking numbers on the BBC's cricket coverage. I'll do tune in. We'll be back next week with Chris Addison and Nish Kumar. In the meantime, I will play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them. Go to the Bugle website, the BuglePodcast.com, where you can also buy our exciting new line of merch, the Golden Wet Weaver pun t-shirt, a limited edition that is proven to be the

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and if the music suddenly became tense and foreboding, it would provide warnings to people that something bad was about to happen, thus saving potentially millions of lives. And finally, Daniel Rogers' prior has never really understood why horseshoes are supposed to bring good luck. If there's such an agent of benevolent fortune, Rage's Daniel, how come horses don't have better life outcomes? They mostly get forced to race against each other for the enjoyment and or financial destruction of the baying human, or their mate-to-confront rioting near-do-wells,

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