The Bugle - Ukraine Crumbles, UK cakes (4217)

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

Andy is with Nish Kumar and Anuvab Pal to discuss where Kiev is safer than Los Angeles, why Britain's Prime Minister can't stop partying, and reflect on just how great the world is right now.Some things to tell you:The Bugle Ashes Urncast wraps up it's first season: http://pod.link/UrncastOur new site is thebuglepodcast.comThis show has no ads, support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAnuvab PalNish KumarAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Ross Ramsey Golding Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugglers, and welcome to issue 4217 of the Bugal Audio newspaper for a visual world with me and his ultimate now correctly restored to the appropriate side of the equator after two months. In Australia, a month in which I performed an elongated performance art piece entitled The Futility of Hope, whilst simultaneously working on the BBC coverage of the England cricket teams failed attempt to lose the ashes with a shred of dignity. Need bit of multitasking there.

Oh, I mean multitasking or doing the same job and calling it two different things. It's sometimes hard to tell the difference. It's Tuesday, the 25th of January, 2022. I arrived home yesterday morning at about 5 a.m. So please do excuse me if I fall at some point during the recording. Joining me today in an all northern hemisphere lineup from Brexton and Mumbai respectively.

It's Nish Kumar and Anu Vapal. Hello, both of you. It's lovely to be back in the same hemisphere as you both after the last couple of months. Have you been? Good Andy, it's, listen, it's not been a great as a person of dual heritage from England and India. Cricket has not been kind to me over the last couple of months. Double series defeat for both identities that I claim. How was the experience of being at the Ashes Andrew? Well, it was in some ways great in that it was, you know, a childhood dream of mine to follow an actual series around Australia. In other ways, it was probably the worst time ever to tell

you about the series around Australia, both on and co-videously related off the field perspectives. England managed to just go from kind of going down after a game in which they've been moderately competitive to a total humiliating, degrading defeats in the time it takes to basically brew and drink a decent cup of tea, which is kind of appropriate for cricket, I guess. Well, Andy, it's very hard to get Tess Matt's special in India, and I went through a bunch of hoops

to download it quote unquote legally, and it was 5.30 in the morning here, and I'm not a very early riser, but somehow I managed to get up at 6.30, and the match was 5.30 in the morning here and I'm not a very early riser, but somehow I managed to get up at 6.30. And the match was over. It was done. It was done at 6.45. I was back in bed. I don't know what happened. But I think India was very, very upset. It's so upset that our captain Verrat Koli resigned. He said he's done with the game. After watching you guys. Well, this is interesting, wasn't it? Yeah, that he resigned after a period of broad success.

I've got a great success in a lot of ways up to being beaten in South Africa. Whereas Joe Root is clinging on. I'm into the wreckage of... So it's quite a noble gesture, really, to resign on behalf I'm it's the wreckage of, so it's quite a noble gesture really to resign on behalf of another team's captain. But this is what I mean, coley's a f***ing pussy. If we have learned nothing from Boris Johnson or Joe Root, all you have to do is look the person in the eye and say, I'm not going anywhere. We are recording on the 25th January 2022. On this day in 1533, Henry VIII secretly married his second wife Anne-Belin, a relationship that I think it's fair to say did not end well.

He packed a lot of wives into his final decade and a half. Is there any died in 1547? And this is only wife too. So that's five new wives in the last 14, 15 years of his life, which, yes, that's pretty good effort from KHA, because it was known in all his brandy. Makes me, I've got to get a move on. Still stuck on wife number one. really good effort from KHA because it was known in the all his all his branding makes me with the I've got I've got to get a move on. Still stuck on white level one. Today is in

America is national opposite day where you have to say the opposite of what you mean in Britain that's just known as every day. And also my thing might explain why, for example, Boris Johnson today is still saying, I did nothing wrong. I don't fully explain why he's saying it every other day as well. I would like the idea that in America, National Opposite State is legally verifiable. Can we go back to the Clintonewinsky affair and see if he said that I did not have sexual relations with that woman on National Office in stay, whether that stood in a court of law? As always, the section of the video is going straight in the middle of this week. A special, free, quiet moment for reflection. for Andy's Ultimate UK Tour of February to March 2022.

Top story now. And... Gorilla marketing from Zoltzman. Absolute Gorilla marketing. Zoltzman isn't just a Gorilla marketing. He's the Viet Cong of Gorilla marketing. I think you just reinvented the minute silence, Andy. You can sell any product you want. Everything can be sponsored these days. That didn't go down well when you did it on Remembrance Day though.

All the troops assembled. You with a megaphone, shouting by tickets to Andy Soltzman's tour. The world is at war or may well be by the time you listen to this. Since we lost broadcast to bugle a couple of weeks ago, when the year was still waking up somewhat blearily, somewhat complacently thinking that it wasn't going to be as shit as it's two immediate predecessors. 2022 has really started grinding into action in the classic manner of modern years dumping turd off the turd onto the world's breakfast place of news. Now it does seem that the situation in Ukraine is getting more fraught than would be ideal. It is hard, I would say this from a British perspective niche

to work out currently which is more important on an objective global cosmic even philosophical level, whether a career political shithead did or did not go to what was or was not a party for however or however not long or one of the world's most powerful and unaccountable military powers invading a frankly fucking massive European nation in about what we can only assume is historical nostalgia for simpler times and everyone did that kind of shit all the time and we were all happy to march off the war

and mutually slaughter one another as a result. I mean, what would you say is bigger in the grand scheme of things, Boris Johnson eating a fucking cake or Russia amassing 120,000 troops on the board of Ukraine. I would say, I mean, as someone who has been, who is not a fair way, the friend to the Northern Hemisphere like you Andy, I've been in Britain pretty solidly. I mean, I'd go further, I'd take exclusively after the last couple of months.

And it, all of our talk about parties, which I'm sure will come to later, it is starting to feel like a man on the Titanic as the top half of it snaps off into the sea, yelling at the cook for overcooking the scallops. It's starting to feel a little bit like we may have our priorities skew with. The situation is very bad.

It's starting to feel, and this is never a compliment, a little cold-worry. No one has ever said, say, for example, of an appropriately cooked scallop. Man, that appropriately cooked scallop was cold-worry. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh.

Um, I mean, I guess the big question with Ukraine is exactly to what extent should we be breaking it? How large should those bricks be? And what should we be building with those bricks, another war? I mean, that is after all how the Berlin War was built with all the bricks. Um, look, I mean, you know, the Indian Prime Minister, Prime Minister Modi, who is a very, very wonderful, lovely man. I've got to. By far, yeah. Because, you know, we know just out of shot, I can say the end of a revolver, I think, just out of

shot. Well, he's getting a copy of this recording. the bugle, Sound Editor is being held at gunpoint. There is a issue, our correct epistel involved. He's a wonderful man and he looks up to Vladimir Putin for lessons of democracy and openness and transparency. And for both these world leaders, there is something that is really sort of disconcerting to them when there is a large period of peace and stability in the world. So luckily, Vladimir Putin had the Russian hacking of the US elections for a long time

to keep him busy. Then there was the pandemic, and now he needs something. So I think, and Prime Minister Modi looks up to that. So, whatever invasion Putin does, we'll try to do a little one in India very soon. I don't know if I'm right. Because again, too much stability is destabilizing for these people. Boris Johnson has said,

I don't think it's by any means inevitable now, I think sense can still prevail, which if you run through any entry level, Boris Johnson in terms of means, we'll all be speaking fluently. He's also said intelligence suggests prospects are gloomy, and that's not him saying that if you have intelligence, your prospects are being appointed to high political office and his government are gloomy. I think it probably does also mean that. It means that he is essentially shitting himself with a prospect of having to deal with something that simply can't be dealt with by hiding in a fridge, unbrushing his hair, impregnating

someone or shouting, we want the war. It's adding tears to his difficulty. In terms of more collapsing unity, apart of the reason that Putin is saber-attling in the region, is because of his perception that the Ukrainian president and, concernedly, former comedian, Vladimir Zelinsky, has two closer relationship with the West, but there's a schism building there as well.

Zelinsky's reacted quite angrily to Biden removing American embassy personnel and their families from the Ukraine over the weekend. Zelensky said that quite frankly, these Americans are safer in Kiev than they are in Los Angeles or any other crime-ridden city in the US. Now listen, I'm not here to defend US crime rights, but what I would say there isn't in the US is a build up of 100,000 Russian troops. One of the other reasons behind Putin potentially, meaning apart from, to distract from a myriad of problems, including a disproportionately high death rate from COVID-19, is that recent

polling has suggested that his opinions of him in the Ukraine are kind of as bad as they've ever been. A poll found that 81% of Ukrainians had an unfavorable view of Vladimir Putin. Is the thing, right? Vladimir Putin's ego is so fragile. If I had reacted like this to finding out that no one liked me, I would have invaded the houses of every child I went to primary school with. Now, I don't know niche because I've been a big fan of both UN and his old man running for Prime Minister

of the United Kingdom. But there isn't what a dream ticket. Absolutely dream ticket. Not what I would call a balance ticket, Andre. No, no, no, no, no, this balance. But now, now, here's here's where, you know, just what it be, Devin's advocate, what's happening in Ukraine with a comedian becoming president, not a great guide to future comedians becoming prime minister or president. He's had a rough time. There was that whole Ukraine meddling, Russia, America issue that he had to deal with, right? After coming to power, if you remember, with Trump.

The quick part, quote. Yeah, that whole thing. And now he's taking his country into war. I mean, not a great thing for comedians becoming world leaders. Joe Biden said last week, the only war that is worse than one that's intended is when it's unintended. Which, I mean, that's, I mean, a curious sentence and he said what I'm concerned about is that this could get out of hand which is I mean a great political euphemism similar to well there might be a little bit of a situation a Prime Minister word said to Neville Chamber in the late 1930s. He said I'm hoping that Vladimir Putin understands that he is short late 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19, 19th, 19th, 19, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19, 19th, 19th, 19, 19th, 19, 19th, 19, 19th, 19, 19th, 19, 19th, 19th, 19, 19th, 19th, 19, 19th, 19, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19, 19th, 19, 19th, 19th, 19, 19th, 19, 19, 19th, 19th, 19th, 19, 19 Listen, say what you will about Vladimir Putin and he will poison you.

Russia demands apparently issued a few weeks ago now, including apparently assurances that the Ukraine won't join club NATO. Not that's not the NATO-Green fan club of yours. That's the Atlantic Treaty organization. There's a surprising amount of crossover. That NATO won't expand further. Presumably Russia saying, seriously guys, North Atlantic, look at a map and tell me exactly where the North Atlantic is.

They might have a bit of a point on that, just from a semantic point of view. They wonder, withdrawal of NATO troops from all the old bits of the Soviet Union that fell off Russia when communism flunked out in the 1990s, they want Chelsea to get an automatic place in the Champions League final every season. I mean, I'm not sure any of those demands can be easily met. Really. Other top story this week, Boris Johnson is still Prime Minister. Words that I guess I fully expected to be saying, but still should not be saying. He's

clinging on despite increasing rumblings of discontent from within the Conservative party and now a police investigation into several of the alleged parties in Downing Street and Westminster that have potentially contravened COVID regulations. I did think I got on a 24-hour flight essentially from Australia, and I did wonder whether I'll switch my phone on a e-throw to find the Prime Minister had resigned. I think it's going to take to make him actually resign. The latest total, I think it's 17 red 17 different parties or PRG's party resembling gatherings during various lockdowns, including this week, a birthday party from 2020 is 56th birthday, a micro festivity involving his chief of staff, his deputy, his senior

advisor, his agent and his wife, who are all the same person, it should be said, presenting him with a Union Jack birthday cake. And I thought this was the detail I liked, the Union Jack birthday cake in his party, claims he was only there for less than 10 minutes. But what more appropriate metaphor could there be for Boris Johnson's Prime Minister ship them being presented with something with a national flag on it, cutting it up, giving bits of it to his friends, shoving a huge amount of it in his own mouth, slobbering all over it as he destroys it and everything it stands for, and then shitting it out and f**king into a living room. We all like to perform a metaphor on our birthdays, but I think that is going to be hard to believe. Yeah, I should say for the international

listeners of this podcast, the scandal about the parties that may or may not have happened in Ted Downing Street is being referred to in sections of the British press as party gay. And I cannot stress this enough. This is what passes for watergate in our country. It's an event that may or may not involve people wearing novelty hats and blowing on streamers. So yes, the latest round. Basically, I know, honest to God, professional clowns who attend less birthdays than these f**ks. The latest thing is this potential birthday cake, slash not birthday cake.

Downing street has not even denied that this took place. At least this time we've hot that stage of them going, there wasn't a party, there wasn't a party, and then a photograph of Merchus of Johnson with his f**king nuts hacking a cake, and they go, oh no, there was a party, sorry, everyone. They've hot straight to the next phase of their revolutions, which is getting into an existential debate about what constitutes a party. These guys are like the sartre of parties.

They want to really investigate what constitutes a party and what circumstances constitute party. So, number 10 is acknowledging that on Boris Johnson's birthday, again, as you say Andy, his 56th birthday. I mean, last year my 15 year old cousin said that he probably wasn't going to have a party because he was quote getting a bit too old for it. And this 56 year old motherfucker is still insisting on cake. But look, that that is the principal mode of contention. It's he whether or not he understood this to be a party. So his wife, Carrie Johnson, had organized some people at Downing Street to bring a cake in and to sing Happy Birthday. Now obviously what happens with all

of these things is there's a period of denial then they accept it that they get into the existential debate about what qualifies as a party. But then the next round is that presumably whichever government minister has drawn the short straw with the words, it's your time on it, has to go out and do all of the border grounds. So today's short shrug is Grant Shaps, who has been doing the media rounds, and he had to say this sentence, and I don't know how, as these words are coming out of your mouth, you don't think it's time for me to quit this job. He said the Prime Minister clearly didn't organize to be given a cake. Some people came forward and thought it would be appropriate on his birthday. I mean, it's, I've lost some words. I just have a question for the both of you. Basic question. How did your country

rule three thoughts of the known? I kind of agree on a party. The threatened members of parliament. How did you? And the second one is a request. And this is my request. Both of you are leading political voices in your country. You do political comedy. Maybe you can make this happen. Because you know it up people. Maybe please make this happen. Can you please return Boris Johnson to India because he sounds like an Indian politician. There's corruption with his residence, there's threats to members of parliament. There is, he's in the wrong place. I mean, none of the things he's doing is unethical here. He would fit in perfectly. All the things they are complaining about,

they're not even issues. I was in conversation with my uncles who were like, they couldn't understand why people are harassing Boris Johnson. All the minor ethical issues. So that's my request. Keep all the stuff in the British Museum. Keep the Kohino Diamond. Keep us of issues. So that's my request. Keep all the stuff in the British Museum. Keep the Kohino Diamond. Keep us for a chance. And if I'm on this, if we want to further the comparison

between Boris Johnson and particularly a current Indian politician, the Conservative party was once again embroiled in fresh allegations of Islamophobia this week. After Nusrat Ghani, who's a conservative minister, said that she had been sacked from her job because her muslimness was making other MPs uncomfortable. And there's been a lot of public soul searching for the conservative party this week saying, how is it possible that this could have been allowed to have happened? I'll give you one f***ing answer to that. Boris Johnson wrote an article a couple of years ago where he compared Muslim women to letter boxes and bank robbers. It is a party very much made in his image. And I've secretly been saying, man, does not

have a racist bone in his body. And your instinctive response is, yes, but he has a racist brain in his skull. And that's the problem area. That's boring. No one ever said, oh, if you think Hitler was bad, you should have met a skeleton. My god, that bony bastard was intolerant as all heck. Also, a Treasury Minister, Lord Agnew, he was a Treasury and Cabinet Office Minister over the last couple of years. He resigned due to the government's, quote, lamentable record tackling COVID business frauds, and they could take one P in the pound off income tax, if they dealt with COVID fraud, essentially. Um, he said his, uh, his remark, he, he

basically announced his resignation in the House of Lords. Um, and again, as Alice mentioned on the news quiz, a lot of sweetly irony if seeing the House of Lords standing up for democratic providence in Britain shows that we've still we've still we still lead the world in an irony if nothing else. He said it was not an attack on the Prime Minister. But you know, if that's his government that's enabled billions of pounds with a force happen, it sort of isn't attack on the Prime Minister, even if it's not directly an attack on the Prime Minister. One Labour MP has defected to the Tory party last week, Christian

Wakeford, the MP for Barry South, which coincidentally is also a leaked policy under consideration from the Conservatives in a desperate attempt to win over faltering support in their new one, Redwall Northern Seats. And David Davis, former cabinet minister and Tory Grandi, which is a term for someone who's been around for fucking ages and speaking to ridiculously deep voice. He said, to Boris Johnson in Parliament, in the name of God go at which point the heavens opened and a tide looking guy with a beard and said somewhat stropily, say guys don't bring me into this, this is your mess, not mine. And by the way, thanks for finally stopping burning

people in my name. That was really f**king weird. In the case you're wondering about whether your national anthem works or not, I have saved the Queen three times this week. Man, does she enjoy dicking around with helicopter? All can say is, if you keep singing that song, well, also she's gonna keep eating those berries and giggling to herself muttering, absolute cardboard. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha of the negotiations for the forthcoming, hopefully, India, UK, post-Brexit trade deal. Work has begun hammering out, always with the hammering out, the trade deal. And of

ab, as our British Indian trade correspondent, I mean, it's bad to say that times have changed over the century since previous trade deals were hammered out between Britain and India, often involving terms such as, actually, I think you'll find we own that diamond. As well as perhaps you'd like to discuss that with our army of 250,000 soldiers, and don't worry, our research suggests that starvation is 99% psychological, give us your food. I mean, things have changed. But a little, but Britain wants lower tariffs on whiskey, which is one of the key points of the lower tariffs on Scotch whiskey. How is, how excited is India about helping Britain to rebuild itself as a global force post-Brexit,

which is what it's all about? I'm glad you asked that Andy. The India Today magazine, one of our leading magazines, is calling this the whiskey for Visa Straight Deal. leading magazines is calling this the whiskey for visa is trade deal. So apparently the way it works is you give a single malt whiskey which we drink and we pay for and in return we get visas from Britain so that Indians can flee and study in Britain. I don't know why this is happening because I'm very very happy in India with our prime minister or whoever is in the Ministry of Formatism is receiving this recording.

I don't know why this is happening but apparently some people believe there are no jobs in India that like visas to go and study in Britain and Canada. I don't know who these people are and frankly I think it's a really tiny number of maybe six or seven million people. And frankly, I think it's a really tiny number of maybe six or seven million people. So this is happening. You know, so there is a theory in economics as you want to know of guns and butter, right? So it that was the exact position. That was the exact position. The rose went after him and slatted.

Basis of the bad. Exactly. So a country can apparently either make butter or make guns depending on whether one strategy is offense or defense. So if like Vladimir Putin, you want to build a defense economy, you'll have a lot of guns if you want to have jobs and that sort of thing you have butter. We have a different model. What we're saying is ours is the get drunk or fee model. So either you stay here and get pissed on single malt or get a British visa and get the hell out of here. It's a new kind of economics. But along with this, I just want to suggest to the two of you, two new kinds of possible trade deals. And one of them is, we give you all our elephants,

and you teach us what is or is not about it. The amount of whiskey involved, when it's only 1% of the Indian whiskey market, but that's the kind of rich price we're after in these post-Brexit times. UK annual whiskey exports are 380 million litres. We talked about this in our radio show last year, Anivab, to put it in terms that are easier to visualize at listeners, that's equivalent to just over half a million hot tubs full of whiskey or 3,400 London buses filled to the brim with whiskey apart from a little air pocket for the driver which would

basically mean a 27 mile buses of whiskey traffic jam. That's what we export every year. It's just, you know, it's one of our great, great products. And just so, you know, Andy, that's the people who drink that, that's just my family. And I would argue, I would argue, Nisha's relatives were in Carrella. You know, just together, that group, that's just for them. I mean, we haven't even counted the rest. Yeah, I mean, I can tell you from personal experience, my family have been heavily involved in the importing of whiskey from the bottle into their mouths.

Yes. We don't talk about drinking to forget. This is why it's such an important part of Britain's Tracing negotiations. We're trying to make India drink and forget some of the usual glitches of the past. LAUGHTER MUSIC

MUSIC Merger News now. Anivab, it's an interesting story that you brought to our attention, the merger of two eternal flames at War Memorials in Delhi. The Amar Joan Jyoti, I hope I've pronounced that right, which has been burning for more than five decades as an eternal flame has been merged with a newer flame at a new national War Memorial. Of course, the original one, the Amarjau and Jotty was famously sung about by the American pop group The Bangles in the 1980s,

which was one of a series of songs by the LA Four Piece outfit, dealing with Indian military history. Manic Monday, of course, being another dealing with a particularly fraught start of the week during the siege of Lucknow during that 1857 Indian rebellion. So why is this decision being made now to bring these two flames together and what does it signify for India as a country? It's an excellent, excellent question and I would love to know what you both think about this because basically the central debaters around this how many flames are too many flames? debaters around this. How many flames are too many flames? And there has to be a fine line between honoring the dead at war in a war memorial and a city that looks like it's on fire, which is a problem that Delhi is facing. There are just too many flames. So the Amar Jawanjyoti

is you correctly pointed out, has been burning for five decades. Now it's been burning to remember all the people that fought in different wars fighting for the British Raj. So it was inaugurated in 1931. Now 400 meters away from that our new premise, a lovely, lovely man, has built a national war memorial. And he thinks that this is the war memorial where all the fires should burn. So who gets a permanent flame is a big deal, right? So I know both of you have talked about this, which is the role of soldiers from the colonies

during the first and second world wars. And their contribution is often overlooked. And we should remember them, et cetera. There were many Sikh soldiers in World War I and II, fighter pilots from India, Gorka Regiment, all of that. Now, what Prime Minister Modi is saying is that, if you've forgotten about those soldiers, then it's about time we forget about them too.

So there's a lot of talk in your country about recognizing them and we're thinking it's time to join up with you guys and just take out that flame really. So if you fought in World War II, in the Australian planes or North Africa, good for you, but you've been burning too long. So we're going local, right? We're going very local. So if you died in solving an interstate water dispute in here, post independence, you'll be remembered. But if you built a bridge during the monsoons, you'll be remembered. But if you fought in the Ardennes, you know,

somebody else's problem. There was a time when Indians would soldiers had no idea what country they were in, who they were fighting for, for whom, when it was outsourced. So Prime Minister Modi is saying, build a different outsource flame, I'm not running the outsource flame. So you know, it's time for fire conservation really. And it was in the economic times, it was covered, that in this fire merger there'll be a large number of cost saving synergies for not having 75s and there will be some layoffs. So, that is the summary. But you guys have forgotten about something.

Why do we need to remember with a whole flame going? Even the Olympics when it's not on, the torch goes off. So, you know, if... Yeah. Well, I mean, I think it's because, Ann and Fab, that much as we love to remember our history, and by our history, I mean, the bits that we can prove are definitely a hundred percent British, and not of the things that we were totally different on other people before. It's, uh... Things we got tricked in.

We're also very concerned for the environment. And so the more we forget about parts of history and need fewer eternal flames to remember things, then the brighter our future becomes. So I think there's lots of things. Exactly. And you guys are doing it already. There was a film called 1917, which had seek soldiers.

And so Hollywood is already doing it. Why do we have to keep a whole flame going? I mean, I'm in Mumbai right now. It's freezing in Mumbai. It's 23 degrees in Mumbai right now. And we're setting different things on fire. We don't have any heating system here. So my dining table is missing.

So we need to redirect the fire where the fire is needed. We're wrapping ourselves in furry animals. the fire where the fire is needed. We're wrapping ourselves in furry animals. This is where the warmth is needed. We can't keep remembering a bunch of Gorka soldiers who died in in in Rabat in Morocco, fighting the Nazis. I mean, that's your job, really. Massive potato news now and a giant potato is... I'm not going to be a little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit

little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit

little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit little bit A massive potato has been caught up in a, well, a cheating scandal. The potato. Andy, it's not helping the Boris Johnson comparison. It's having to have its DNA tested again. Something, Johnson's had some experience with, it's having to have its DNA tested after smashing the record for biggest ever potential. And now to prove it is indeed a potato rather than an alien life form or as it's from New Zealand, a rugby player, it's happened to have its DNA tested to prove that it is genuinely a potato. It's tipped the scales at 7.9 kilograms or in New Zealand terms a 13th of a richy McCall

and It's absolutely matched the existing record of just under five kilograms for a potato The mega-spud record is being hailed as the most exciting moment in New Zealand Since rugby star Buck Shelford played on for the all blacks with a lacerated scrotum against France in 1986. And I mean, what a performance from this potato. I gotta say it's it's roached to the occasion. Although if it fails the DNA test, I guess it could just jack it in and give up. A sliver of potato had to be sent to the UK for DNA testing and New Zealand potato fans chipped in, chipped in to cover the costs. I mean this is, I mean it's quite literally huge news in the

world of potatoes and it does make me slightly regret. At a moment my career went in a different direction than it could have been after I left university, I applied for around about 80 jobs before I finally found a really, really shit one, working as a sub-editor for a business publishing house. But one of the interviews I went to was for another publishing house that served and produced a magazine called Potato Processing International,

claiming the world's leading publication for the potato processing industry. And maybe if only I'd taken that job in 1997 and stuck with it for the ensuring 25 years, I could have had a big screen. I thought that's what you were thinking. That's what you were thinking while you were watching the England collapse on the last day of the final test. Jesus, you know what? Maybe potatoes wouldn't have been so bad. You have to put in your time in potato journalism, Andy. It doesn't happen overnight.

It's just... Yeah, to wait. I just have one question for both of you. And this is just a bit of a whine I have against first world problems. Now, what happened to the world where you would just take things at face value? Now, in India, we found a huge potato. We would just see a photo of the potato. And we'd say, that's frickin' huge, right?

I can't be just accepted in New Zealand. They had to do a DNA test. What would the DNA test mean? That it's not a dog. And again, I've made up all these opinions by just looking at a photograph. I haven't actually read the whole article. This is 2022. So, you know, yeah, we don't have time to read it. Now, you've got someone's got to summarize it in a dance on

T-T. Talk. Come on. I'm not getting all the details of this potato story unless someone's lips thinking Megan the Stalin. Just, Nisha's just summarized on world journalism. Yeah. Well, Megan the Scalian has just done a sort of a tick talk about the world's largest spilling. I don't know, I'm still imagining I rubbed me play with an injured scrotum. So I'm way behind. I'm still imagining I run B-Play with an injured scrotum, so I'm way behind. I'm really enjoying the fact that I'm doing it.

I'm considering the greatest attempt at achieving my career to have had these answers with up to do them back in the stallion pond. I don't think anybody saw the career of Ms. The Stallion as fodder for Sultzman. So it's not her real name though. It's a stage name she picked up from when she started in Panty. Oh my God, Andy, have you got 20 minutes to gear on Meg of the Stahlia? Of course I haven't. Of course. Billionaire update and a report from Oxfam has said that the wealth of the world's ten

richest men has doubled during the pandemic or nearly doubled depending on whether you count the first bit when they actually somehow lost money. But still up by 70%, however you measure it at least, however their spiritual wealth has fallen by around 34%. Elon Musk has just recorded and released a song entitled My Rocket Made Me Sad. Oksuams' chief executive in Great Britain also pointed out that a new billionaire has been created almost every day during the COVID pandemic. And I saw this story and I got really excited by this because, you know, if you're creating a billionaire every day, all it means is that, and I love my stats, we just need to keep this pandemic going for another 21 million years.

And everyone in the world will be a billionaire. We will have totally eradicated poverty. I mean, that's not adjusted for inflation or Armageddon. But we just need to... This pandemic is our ticket out of all the world's global economic problems if we are just patients. You know, it's always worth remembering that Ad Dieselzman has written a book about economics. Always, always remember that. They're the interesting thing then and then article is that apparently Elon Musk your favorite person and his thing is his network is up 1000% in the last year and it said you, Bill Gates in comparison is up a poll tree 30%.

Pussy? Oh, he's out of the top. It's difficult. He's only at some 21 billion now. And here's my theory, guys. I think that the reason Elon Musk is up 1,000% is because he was on Saturday night life, because comedy is where the money is. Is it?

Which, which, which, BF comedy? Can you be specific, Adaba? The one where you also have a rocket company on the side. That's the, that's the mistake I've with both sides. Our side hustles are all wrong. At above side hustling, writing Bollywood films, Andy side hustling, Cricket, that's my side hustle in Undiagnosed IBS. These were not the right side hustles.

The report also added that gender equality has been set back during the pandemic. 13 million fewer women in work now than they were in 2019 and over 20 million girls at risk of never returning to school. So here it is, women get more time off and girls get little for homework, yet more victories for the anti-patriarchy woke conspiracy must stop reading below the line. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. It's delightful to be back in sunny London. We'll be back next week. Bugle will be at the start of weeks for the next few weeks

because I'm hosting the news quiz which you can hear by BBC Sounds or other podcast providers. Don't forget to book your tickets from my tour from late February through most of March There will be some London dates coming up in May As well. They'll be announced shortly. Hopefully anything you guys have to plug I'm also on tour From the second of February. I'm touring across the UK We are working on some new York and Los Angeles dates, but at the moment the only tickets that are available on nishcream.co.uk are for the UK. And listen, if you happen to know

700 people that live in Ipswich. It would be, it would be, actually, if you know 700 people in Ipswich it would be really, actually, if you know 700 people in Ipswich, split it 50, 50 and send half of them to Blackburn, because I know it's not a logical commute, but we could do. So Ipswich and Blackburn, the people of those two places seem to be very committed to social distancing at my gigs, very, very committed. very, very committed. Is that mean is that common between all town stroke cities whose football team had a surprising that relatively short-lived time as a major force in English football? Well, I'll let you be the judge of that. Andy, what I tell you, Paul's not looking great either. How does it feel?

I mean, let's go back a while. How does it feel? Let's go back to war. And if I have any shows, I mean, I just want to start by saying it's always a delight to listen to the two of you. Go on about a Prime Minister. Without the concern that your house might get burned out and be shot in the face. For me, as a cultural experience, this is always a delight. That's why I go and see both you and Nishon tour all the time,

because it feels like being a dream. It's a... And the only update I have is after four and a half years, the Empire, to show that I was on God recorded by Amazon here and will eventually come out in April, I think. There we go. Everything has been plugged. Thank you very much for listening, Bughals. We will now have the return of lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers.

I've had a little hiatus while I've been busy in Australia. If you want to join the Bughal voluntary subscription scheme, or to give a one-off or recurring donation to keep this show free Flourishing and independent, go to the BuglePodcast.com and click the donate button. Andre Mayer is sick and tired of hearing about galaxies. Look, says Andre, I appreciate that galaxies are impressively big and surprisingly varied, but frankly, I can barely get my head around the size of the solar system we live in, so I really don't see the need for anything in between that and the entire universe, which is confusingly unimaginable as it is, so personally, I think we should ditch galaxies. I mean what's the point?

Barry Jones quite literally comes out in metaphorical hives when he hears the term precision engineering. Barry explains his linguistic allergy thus. Precision engineering suggests the existence, or at least the theoretical possibility, of imprecision engineering. I know standards have broadly fallen around the world these days, continues Barry, but the day someone imprecisely engineers a bridge, an aeroblane, or a lion enclosure, is the day I want no more to do with my species. Edward Hore wonders what the next big revolution in home furniture will be. The sofa was undoubtedly a terrific breakthrough, says Edward, and to be honest I'm not sure what breakthroughs we've had since then, within the limited scope of objects to sit, lean or lie on, or to put

stuff in or on, which, let's face, it is about as far as the remit of furniture goes. But personally, I'd like to see a ham-esque, across between a hammock and a desk, which dangles between two trees, but provides a more relaxing surface for your laptop. Jonathan Broughton Humphries is suspicious of jobs that require an excessively tall hat. Hopes, bishops, conjurers, witches, wizards, those soldiers in London that wear the big fuzzy jobs, Abraham Lincoln impersonators, you name it, there's not a single one amongst them, you'd call a regular, non-weird way to earn a living, says Jonathan, it makes you think doesn't it?

I know Lincoln wore his trademark stovepipe so he could keep a flask of soup handy for whenever he got hungry whilst Presidenting the shit out of America, but other than that, I remain deeply skeptical. And Nick Paprocki would one day like to conduct something, but is not sure exactly what. To be honest, says Nick, I don't particularly mind what I conduct, but in descending order of preference, it would probably have to be a symphony, a bus, an investigation, and some electricity. And whatever it is, he concludes, I want a little baton to wave around at people to make them do what I want. That is absolutely non-negotiable.

Here end if, this week's lies. Goodbye. this week's lies. Goodbye.