The Bugle - Up Sh*t Creek, aka The Thames

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

How bad are UK waterways? Just ask the entrants from 'The' Boat Race. Also, Lego attack the police and D'Ancey Laguarde has a new novel out. Recorded at The Lowry in Salford, with Tiff Stevenson and Alice Fraser.A new Ask Andy is in your feed. Send thoughts and questions for Andy at [e-mail]. Click follow to make sure you get every episode and please drop us a nice review or rating wherever you choose.This episode was presented and written by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserTiff StevensonChris SkinnerAnd producer by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Buglers, welcome to issue 4298 of The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. I am Andes Altman and for this week's show we take you back in time, a week, to the final live show of our Bugle tour of the United Kingdom. We were at the Lowry in Salford on Saturday the 30th of March. A whole different month if you're in the UK, a whole different tax year, but a very enjoyable show for which I was joined by Tiffany Stevenson in Salford and Alice Fraser via the wonders of the internet. Plus an extremely delightful

Salford-O-Mankunian crowd. Appropriately enough, given that we were at the Lowry Theatre, stroke art center, I began the show by challenging an audience member to a quiz about the great artist L.S. Lowry, after whom the place is named. It was opened, um, was it 2001, I think, round about then, by the then Queen Elizabeth II. You heard of her? Uh, yep, um, only a few of you. Interesting. Um, the former 71-time British Monarch of the Year and professional banknote and coin model.

Elizabeth II. Interesting sequel. Unusual, has quite such a long gap between sequels. 349 years, but sequels do tend to run long as well. So she opened this venue with her own show. She's a sensational show involving her avant-garde punk-madrigal crossover act with some surprisingly high-risk trapeze work. So named, of course, after the famous artist L.S. Lowry. Are you all fans of his?

Yeah? Who thinks they know quite a bit about L.S. Lowry? Big local hero? Who's...? Yeah? Who's...? Yeah? OK. We're going gonna put you on the spot now we're gonna do a quiz LS see how much see if you know do you think you know more than Chris about LS Lowry okay well let's first find out gonna give you one minute of questions on LS Lowry but it's but it's like mastermind so you can't interrupt just to just to make it fair.

So have you got a clock, Chris? Yes. Okay, right. So here's your questions, just very carefully. Question one, start the clock. L.S. Lowry was born Lawrence Stephen Lowry in 1887, but in just 88 years established himself as one of the most influential artists of his lifetime, painting urban life in his distinctive matchstick men's style on subjects draining in subject matter from subjects such

as football crowds to subjects such as mill workers. After an unhappy childhood in which he did not own a PlayStation or learn the Macarena, Lowry and his family moved to Pendlebury but never went on a family holiday to Las Vegas, Thailand or even Euro Disney. Instead, the always and proudly bipedal Lowry studied at the Manchester School of Art under the tutelage of the French Impressionist painter Monsieur Vallette, or Vallette, the Pallette as he was also known. And as he approached the age of 40, Lowry, aged nearly 40 at the time and in his late thirties at the same time, began painting the cityscapes he would become renowned for, all the while of course working as a rent collector for a property firm living an ascetic lifestyle in which he eschewed alcohol, women, heroin and erotic necromancy. Instead, chronicling

mid-twentieth century working class life in the Manchester area using paints, paintbrushes, canvases, easels and shit like that. But after the death of his father and with his elderly mother from whom he would eventually inherit some clocks, not well at all and subsequently dead, Ellis would often paint in the middle of the night, thereupon in 1953 having been officially war artist. Ellis Lowry was appointed official artist for the coronation of the Queen Elizabeth II, or Betty Bauble as she likes to call it. Oh, you're out of time, I'm afraid.

And you scored zero points on your chosen subject of Ellis Lowry. The correct answer to the question was L. Lowry begins with the letter L. So, Chris, you only need to get one question right to win. I'm ready for this. I'm on the buzzers. Okay, here we go. How many times did L.S. Lowry win Rear of the Year? That's zero.

Correct. He actually died in 1976, just a few months before it was actually formed. And actually ten years before any man even won Rear of the Year. Michael Barrymore, just for the record. That's the level of knowledge I was expecting from you. Good, well I enjoyed that bit. So, interestingly though, though Lowry never won the Rio de Janeiro of the Year, Peter Bruegel,

the 16th century Dutch townscapist who was very much the Ellis Lowry of the 1500s Holland, he did win Renaissance Man Monthly's Golden Codpiece Award for most shapely junk no fewer than five times in the 1550s and 60s. There's a lot of facts in the bugle, if you've not been before. It's, you know, this is not technically a BB show, but inform, educate, and entertain those Reithian values

I carry over to my work on the bugle. So we will have a bugle fashion section with our bugle fashion tips. Two fashion tips, one, don't bother with it, and two, just make up your own, don't mind what clothes you like. There you go, that's all the fashion tips you ever need. And we'll have the latest in our best thing ever competition,

which we launched a little while ago on the Bugle, trying to find the best thing ever. A lot of people say something is the best thing, and we thought we'd better find out. So we're testing out everything in the universe against all the other things in a knockout competition. I think it's going to take 568 rounds in around about 20,000 years.

And finally, water slides versus the concept of hope. Who prefers water slides? Me! And who versus the concept of hope. Who prefers waterslides? CHEERING And who prefers the concept of hope? Well, waterslides have run to victory there. And we've given up on hope, and I think that is a good thing for humanity. Hope only disappoints people.

You need to be pessimistic, otherwise you'll be disappointed. And we are joined by not one, not three, not four, but two wonderful Bugle co-hosts. Joining me firstly joined by not one, not three, not four, but two wonderful Bugle co-hosts. Joining me firstly here in 3D, please give it up for the wonderful Tiffany Stevenson! Welcome. Hello, Tiff. Hello. How dare you besmirch fashion when I'm on the show? Outrageous. Also, as you mentioned water slides, let's just get this out the way at the top.

And I know you're going to say it's a family show, but I'm going to say the concept of hope, because I once went on a water slide and got an unexpected enema. Which is the worst kind, in case you're wondering. What kind of enema that is. I went down very quickly and the water came up. Back the... Yeah. This guy in the front is like, oh, it's the beginning of the show. Is this where we're going? Andy's still struggling to open his water.

I'm pouring it into my glass just so we can get this... Is this what you paid for? Live water pouring? Listen, this is ASMR. People do pay a lot of money for this shit. If I just talk really quietly over it in a sexy voice... It's water, innit? LAUGHTER Wow!

What an appropriate way to introduce our next Bugle co-host. Joining us also in 3D, but one of the D is the fifth D that no one fully understands. So you'll only see her in 2D. Joining us from Australia, as long as the internet works, it's Alice Fraser! When she walks, she moves so fine, like a flamingo. Hello Alice. How's Australia? Hello Andy. Hi. Everything in Australia is fine. It's Easter here Andy.

Oh yeah. It's already Easter. The Easter bunny has arrived in our household, which is exciting. I feel very fond of Easter. It's where my 60 something year old Jewish Buddhist father will approach either me or my twin brother, adult human beings with offspring of our own. And he comes in with like full Meryl Streep meets Sean Penn method acting sincerity.

And he goes, what's that behind you? I just saw a giant bunny. And then due to like some weird combination of like gaslighting and upbringing, we will 100% buy in and be like, where did it go? I wonder if it brought us something. I don't know. At some point in our childhood, we missed the window to go the Easter bunny isn't real I assume we just decided we didn't want to pop the chocolate giving bunny I mean that's very much but we're still fully committed and I assume we will be until we die That's really very much how Easter began looking at it from a Jewish perspective I got a new Easter bonnet. Well, I hit a rabbit with my car, so it's the same.

LAUGHTER So, yeah, I mean, it's a tough time of year. I prefer the Friday to the Sunday as a... LAUGHTER ..as a due course, but, um... He was guilty. I mean, don't judge him by today's legal and ethical standards. According to the letter of the law at the time, he was guilty. guilty messianic in charge of a donkey literally bank to rights, but Didn't end up cost costing us a lot of market share

Do you think he just went out on a bender on Friday and was just hung over and that's why he reappeared on Sunday As I said this this is doubling up as issue 4298 of the... We are recording here in Salford on the 30th of March 2024. Are you enjoying the year? No? It is actually, statistically, shaping up to be one of the top five best years of the decade so far. LAUGHTER It is a bit of a shit of a year and a prick of a decade

and a **** of a millennium so far, but... LAUGHTER Well, millenniums often start badly if we may go back to the first Easter. And on this day, this weekend in 2014, the first same-sex marriages in England and Wales were performed, ten years ago. So obviously we knew at the time we were warned this would come at a bit of a risk that we thought, yeah, social progress is worth taking the risk that it would spark an increase in natural disasters. As we have been warned by various scientific research that tolerating and legalizing same-sex marriage would provoke divine vengeance in the form of natural disasters But anyway, we've got the some of the stats now. It's been over 10 years. We can actually look at it statistically

So we've got a graph here for you. So this is Natural disasters per year in the UK before and of you see I put the dotted was legalized So let's firstly and it's this is an exponential scale because that's how like the Richter scale That's how natural disasters are measured for some reason. So let's just have a quick look at, let's start with earthquakes. So that stayed very much at nought. It only goes back to 1880 of course, and we've had to project this bit, because we don't know for sure if it's going to stay at nought, but the trend does seem to be very much no massive earthquakes, even though we have legalised same-sex marriage. Let's see, biblical level tsunamis. Again, very much no massive earthquakes, even though we have legalised same-sex marriage. Let's see, biblical-level tsunamis.

Again, very much zero, so it turns out there was a bit of fear among them. And what about volcanoes? All right, that's a bit of a risk. LAUGHTER Bit of a risk going forward. But anyway, so far, we've got away with it, so that's good news, 10 years ago um right uh as always uh section of this audio news program is going where Salford it's going where that's always my favorite part of the show justifies my entire career to be honest

um uh right it's time for top story now Right, it's time for Top Story Now! HE HONKS HE HONKS HE HONKS The last 12 months have seen, I think, a new national record number of physical metaphors for the state of the nation. Crumbling school buildings, a weeping vandalised train looking out across a high street of boarded up shops, an empty prison cell with a please don't escape if you're a terror suspect poster with the N apostrophe T of don't crossed out in marker pen,

and lonely turds sunbathing sadly on empty British beaches. And I think this has reached possibly its highest moment this week. With this sensational story, two of the world's leading universities have been instructed not to throw small people into a river. So specifically, this was the Oxford-Cambridge boat race and they were asked not to throw the cocks into the river or jump into the river after the races because the Thames is

too f***ing full of shit. Um... LAUGHTER So the Oxford-Cambridge boat race has carved out a unique place in the global sporting calendar as the dullest f***ing event in the universe. LAUGHTER But it was perhaps the last bastion of tradition

where large men can throw a small person into a river without the woke brigade getting their old You can't do that hat on but sadly Britain's shit infested waterways have now stepped up to the plate and cancelled the throwing of the winning cops into the Thames This is boat races the traditional ritual of celebratory size shaming has been ditched Fundamentally because as I said Britain has literally gone to shit So I mean Tiff where do we go as a nation? If we can't even throw little people

who shout at big people in rowing boats into a river, what have we got? Did we fortify those waters enough? What do they even shout? Harder? More? Left? Basically, yes. Generally straight, I think. Or actually a bit left, a bit left in the boat race.

I liked how the article about in the Guardian just had the headline dirty boat race which as a cockney really delighted me. Yeah basically the Oxford and Cambridge rowers have been advised not to jump in as the war contains E. coli so they just have to console themselves with the fact that their fathers have made millions in profit from the war accompanies. I mean you know you're in trouble as a country when even the wealthiest people doing their vanity of small differences paddle off are having to do it up the same shit creek as the rest of us. Up shit creek with eight paddles per team.

Not even Oxbridge gets you clean, rowing water when the government is letting corporations piss their toxic waste directly into the innocent mouths of the nation's waterways. I feel Andy that I should clarify what the boat race is for people who aren't deeply embedded in and conscious of the class wankery that has historically formed the backbone of British culture. If you don't know what class is like in Britain, this is for the listeners, don't worry about the people who are currently watching the show in real life, if you don't know what class is like in Britain it's basically like getting given your

Harry Potter house but instead of Gryffindor at age 11 it's at birth and you get sorted into supermarkets like Chinless Harrods Wanker, Sainsbury's Chimney Sweep, Surdy, Salt of the Earth, Aldi Man or shops at Waitrose but has to check the prices. It's called the boat race to distinguish it from all other boat races. It's a boat race between Cambridge and Oxford which are two hallowed institutions, academic institutions steeped in the glory of having produced some of the most renowned and influential people in Western history and most of the c***s.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE How did you manage to get to the first place? I went to Oxford, but statistically... LAUGHTER Andy went to Oxford for undergrad, I went to Cambridge for post-grad, and Tiff's been significantly more successful in TV

and movies than either of us, despite having been assigned Oliver Twist at birth. I do like the River Action confirmed they'd be implementing safety measures, because water quality is an ongoing concern for the boat race. This is gonna shock you guys, but water quality has an impact

on pretty much f***ing all of us. Like I'm interested, I guess, because there's the women's boat race, which has been going how many years? It was 79 years since we were considered worthy of sports. Well, I think, well, women were discovered, I think, by scientists in Cambridge in, I think 1934. Yeah, in Franklin's research, was it about... LAUGHTER

It's a double helix! That's how she spoke. You see why I get all those acting parts now. Andy, there's breaking news on this story, of course, which is that Oxford lost and the Oxford team captain has blamed it on the water quality. The team captain is called Lenny Jenkins, which is a name that reminds me so hard of 2005 early viral Leroy Jenkins that I feel really sad that he had to be on the internet

at a very specific period of time for that to be funny to you. But he said that his team were vomiting before the start of the race and blamed it on the water quality, and in part saying that Dews Row pumping station, the less said about that name, the better, is less than one mile east of the Oxbridge race. It spewed untreated sewage

for four hours and 16 minutes yesterday, which is fun. There's a map and it shows all the sewage and it's called a discharge map. Eww! Yes. That doesn't make it sound like they've served their sentence and are now being put back into the community to contribute in a more positive way. It is one of the world's least interesting sporting events. The same two teams every year, the same course every year, made easy by the fact that they closed the river off to all the other boats during the races,

which breaks it a lot less interesting than it could be. Now they have both men's and women's boat races on the same day, which is great news for equality between the sexes, that women can prove that their event can be just as tedious as the men's event. So that's progress. Well, in the men's race today, Cambridge lined up in their familiar one, one, one, one,

one, one, one, one, one, tiny little one formation. Oxford had apparently been planning to try out, try and throw the light blues off their rhythm with a new Avant-Garde 3122 line up with a false cox floating in the gaps between the lines. But sadly they ended up in practice with six of their crew in the water just because the boat wasn't wide enough. So they went back to the old formation. It was early in the season of course, Oxford had pinned their hopes on the creativity of their flair Brazilian number four, Rolloc Seno. Such an unorthodox rower, of course.

He sees bits of water to put his oar in that other rowers don't even see. He faces the wrong way, he drops his shoulder, he spins, he throws in a dummy paddle, so unpredictable. His movement is like nothing you usually see in top-level rowing, but it doesn't really work. So, and he tried an ambitious overhead reverse stroke with just 100 yards to go in the final practice race

against Nutterbridge University. Ended up with him and two of his crewmates splashing down on the riverbank, placing police charges for disturbing a roosting goose. So he was dropped to the bench. But with the amount of drugs being used in Britain, finding its way into the water system and these latest sewage stats,

there are now hopes that pure, untreated Thames water is going to be bottled and sold as a new soft drink brand, Coca-Cola. LAUGHTER The fact that I got as much applause as laughter suggests that was more for effort than achievement. I appreciate the gesture. A bit like the boat race.

Andy, for the broader context of this, this is all in the context that water companies have released record spills of raw sewage into the sea in 2023. I don't, I sort of contest this as a premise because I don't think you can spill a record amount. After a certain amount of time, it ceases to be spilling and becoming... That's semantics though, isn't it? It's like, what do they call it? They call it dry spilling, is when they just tip it in to a river when it isn't... Oh, is that sort of... You chuck it in your garden, I thought that was...

But you know, that is more euphemistic than poisoning the entire country, I guess. Can I do that with my turds? Because if I'm going to the loo and it's raining outside and I'm like, I don't want to flush this, I'm going to lob it in the next door's garden. Can I use that as a defense? I didn't know women did that kind of thing. I was not taught that at my school. A quality, a quality, Andy. But it is one of the traditional sights

and sounds of the British springtime now, the comfortingly familiar clonk of fist on face outside a pub, the honking blarp of our national irony alarm is the latest immigration figures show how much immigration has gone up since Brexit. And of course the migration of newly born turds from our decrepit sewage system out via the sea before they finally settle

on our gloriously uncomfortable beaches. This is what Britain is today. So the figures, I mean, as you know, I love a stat. Apparently, raw sewage was discharged for 3.6 million hours in 2023. Now, that's a lot of hours, and a lot of hours more than there are hours in a year. That is, 3.6 million hours is 411 years. LAUGHTER So how do we put this in context? So in a single year, we've been pouring shit for 411 years...

LAUGHTER ..into our rivers. So put it in context, 411 years, 3.6 million hours. That's the average time Boris Johnson spends thinking about himself in the average decade. The bugle has now spilled an estimated 450 hours of shit into your listening ears in 16 and a half years, and that's, you know, we consider ourselves to be leaders in that field. 3.6 million hours is over 110,000 complete five-day test matches, not including lunch and tea breaks, and allowing the extra half hour for slow over-rates. So that's...

That's a lot of... But I guess that's part of... That's one of our Brexit freedoms, is it not? That Brussels had stolen from us. I think that's what it was. That's what it was, at that time, watching unpicked British strawberries slowly rotting in the fields every summer. So we've taken those freedoms back. I do have an advert for the Taurus board. Oh yeah, let's do that now. If you'd like me to do it, just based on some of these stories that we've spoken about so

far. Could we get some very English music. Oh that is horrific. Okay. England come for the raw sewage. Stay for the rich kids rowing in it. England where the energy bills are higher than a teenager at a festival. Enjoy eating at our community pantry, trademark Penny Mordant. Visit the Museum of Curiosities and watch our billionaire leader and his wife pretend to load a dishwasher and make pancakes. England, for the VIP travellers, join one of our exclusive members clubs the House of Lords could be for you peer into the perks of peerage buy your way into more riches our potholes can be seen from space experience living history by catching one

of our recently reintroduced Victorian diseases dysentysentery, cholera, typhoid, or leptospirosis. Head to the gift shop and grab your keep calm and carry on being ripped off tea towel. Pick up a discharge map. Anywhere you see a tourist board sign, which is the poop emoji in St George's Cross Colours. England. Right, let's move on to Lego in American news now.

BELL TOLLS BELL TOLLS Well, Lego, and, I mean, this is, again, this is a new story that... There's so often we get a story that sort of seems to encapsulate everything about the world that we now live in and this is Lego who are Lego the famous day Danish brick company not real bricks do not use them as real bricks I feel I've missold it now. Lego has

asked police in California to stop superimposing heads of Lego men to mask criminal suspects' identities in photos on social media. Where can humanity go from here? That is a Lego man who's killed someone, obviously. I like how he's got the appropriate face for someone who's just been arrested. Sorry, we're talking about America, can we use the correct term? Legos. LAUGHTER

Am I right, California? Legos. Legos in America. Americans say Legos, I don't know why it's pluralised, but it's like math, maths. So, why is math singular and LEGO's plural? I don't know. Right. This is why everything's gone to shit in America. No.

LAUGHTER I mean, this is... Obviously, America's got a few crime... I mean, in a way, this is good, trying to get kids involved in, you know, glamourising police work by thinking, I'll get to play with LEGO, which... Obviously, American police work doesn't always purely involve playing with Lego. So I mean this is Do you think this is what we should be doing just to try and lighten the mood of news Alice is to get more children's toys Superimposed on on you

I mean would you know if you're watching the footage from the latest horrific war zone around the world If there were just loads of my little ponies in the pictures, do you think we'd maybe take the issues more seriously? Yeah, I think, I think Gernika would be a lot better with My Little Ponies in. And... This is... War is hell, but friendship is magic. Care bears. Get some care bears in. I think that's the theme of Band of Brothers, actually.

Look, I think this is a really sad thing for the Lego business, because they're having their name associated with crime. It's not as sad for them as it is for the one guy, Lego head Larry, who's now been citizen arrested in the street 142 times. Poor Larry. Not only does his head look like a Lego, it's really easy to capture him. Do I just hit him on the head with a brick that has a dent in it the exact same shape as the lump on his head? And he just sort of dingle dangles until the police arrive and release him with apologies and then he's late to his magic the gathering gathering again this is part of Legos adults only range actually there is an adults only range yeah I've made a Harry Potter's Hogwarts castle yeah right yeah I've

been paid by Big Lego. Yeah, this, I think we should have, it depends on the crime, depending on the kids' toy. You know, you could have a Mr. Potato Head, that's quite neutral, but I think if it's a sex offender or someone that's been arrested for that, you should have Nosy Bonk. Now, it's a very specific 10 people in the audience.

Remember who nosy bonk is? Do you know who nosy bonk is, Alice? It's a... I do not know who nosy bonk is. It's a kids' TV character who... Huh? Jigsaw. Jigsaw, that's it. He looks like Jigsaw, yes, from the Saw films. Basically, that's who nosy bonk is, but with a bigger nose. And he wore white gloves,

and he just used to walk around creeping out kids. So I think Nosy Bonk would be a good one. Or maybe Mrs. Pepperpot, if it's less of a... LAUGHTER If it's less of a violent crime. Did he wear white gloves because he was a snooker, umpire? I think Lego should lean into this. Is the umpire a referee?

Referee, sorry, my mistake. God, how could I get that wrong? I think... should lean into this. I'm part of a referee. Referee, sorry, my mistake. God, how could I get that wrong? I think... I think Lego should lean into this and start, you know, start a crime sort of... A crime line of Legos, you know? I know the tagline already.

It's a Lego crime where the punishment always fits the crime. LAUGHTER Cos of... LAUGHTER There might be already a Lego prison, cos Fisher Price had one. Fisher Price toys had, like, a whole town where you get, like, everything you get in a town, so it was, like, a shop, a spirally car park that you could do your cars down,

a theatre and a prison. All the essentials, basically. My son, when he was about seven years old, made a Lego mausoleum. LAUGHTER We had some friends round for lunch and we left him, while we were cooking, we left him playing with his Lego in the living room and then when we went through

and sat down with him my friends asked Oh, what what have you made and he explained? No, this is and this is a What the setup was we had a room with sort of like tables in and then he lifted up the floor and underneath it There were a load of Lego men lying down and this is where all the dead bodies are Oh dear where the fuck does that come from? So, shall we do... We'll do one more animal story. Do you want goats or sharks?

Sharks. Goats. Goats. Wow, it's that West Side story all over again. Right, so, we've Side story all over again. LAUGHTER Right, so, er, OK, let's do, we'll do goats quickly. OK. And then we'll do... A quick goat.

Quick goat. A short goat. Well, this is the astonishing news that scientists, yet again, not doing their real **** jobs, have been studying the smell of teenagers and have concluded that teenagers smell like goats. F***ing hell, science! You must be ashamed of your f***ing colleagues.

What are these guys doing? They've discovered that teenage body odour contains unique compounds that smell of sweat, urine, musk and sandalwood and makes them smell like goats, particularly goats that use a sandalwood grooming product. F***ing focus science though. This is a new Lynx body spray that we haven't tested on the market. But I like the fact that they've described it almost like a sommelier.

They've gone into the smells. The odours of these acids are described as cheesy fruity and plum like musty coriander like and fatty goat like wax like earthy I'd pair this with chicken nuggets and a can of monster is basically yeah that sounds eerily like my online dating profile. LAUGHTER Yeah, so Sandalwood, which I think is what Jesus made his clogs from... LAUGHTER Musk, they smell of Musk, that's the power of the man.

Not only weeding his technology into every little nook and cranny of our lives, and now he's making our teenagers smell like him. That is worrying Elon Musk or to give him his full name, elongated Musk a hound. And then urine and sweat, but it's just possible that our teenagers are more nervous about the future so sweat more and then piss themselves. I think it's accept the goat smell for now because once you get into, you know, for teenage boys, accept that smell because once you become into, you know, for teenage boys, accept that smell, because once you become a man, you have different smells then. And when you're a man,

you have to have different men's freight. You have to have something with oak in it, smoke, coffee, leather, whiskey, old horse, gymnasium memories, burnt down library, restored 18th century barn, discarded scrum cap, those kind of things. There, when you start moving into the high-end gentleman fragrances that's what you're gonna be going for. That is what the AI image of Andy wears when

he's going out on a weekend to attract the ladies with his third tail. He'll just pop on a bit of Havana insurrection. And off he goes into the night. MUSIC PLAYS Alice, you are the Bugles' official dating apps. Corris and I have been with my first wife. I'm in showbiz, let's be realistic. LAUGHTER Since 1996.

It's nothing that I don't say to her face on a regular basis. So I missed out on the dating app. There was Grinder, wasn't it? That pairs you up based on your view of really defensive opening batsmen in test cricket, I think. Actually, just down the road at Old Trafford. My now wife and I watched Gary Kirsten score a double hundred and our relationship survived. So we were meant to be together.

That is a niche gag. Not really a gag, just a fact. Alice, so apparently dating apps have turned not just into a distraction from the immovable and certain solitude of life, but into a career. Yes, indeed. So if you've read Serrano de Bergerac, you know this story. Vida Select is a global company that does the legwork, the messaging, not the ****ing. And so they'll create...

Legs? I'm doing it wrong. They create your profile for you. They'll swipe and message with prospective dates and do all of the stuff that is involved in getting to know someone, which is deeply upsetting on a number of levels. Oh, sorry, sorry. I just got a message on my interdimensional phone. Do you mind if I check?

Oh, fine. It's an ad. It's terrible how they expect you to just read these. This one says, a new novel is out by self-published romance maven and online bestseller, Dancy Lagarde. The 75th in,

the 75th in the whoops I fell in love and I can't get Out series of historical romances with a supernatural twist. This one is set in the historical period of now. Heraldine is a busy businesswoman beset by constantly having to do business while wearing sheer stockings and stiletto heels under a demure yet alluring pencil skirt. She's got no time for dating, she's too business, but sometimes she longs for the strong arms of a lover. So she gets her personal assistant's personal assistant

to sign her up for a dating service and woo prospective men on her behalf. Sterling Bladeling is an internationally renowned ballet ninja. And exiled half goblin lord working as a mercenary sellsword in the land of the fairies. By day he fights with his sword and by night he is haunted by the angry ghost of Darnia, his dead ex-wife who keeps hassling to get back on the dating scene through the medium of sexy dreams. Unbeknownst to Sterling, she's created a dating profile on his behalf and is flirting with

Heraldine's personal assistant's personal assistant, the magnetically non-binary Geoff Ramire, who is pretending to be Heraldine but secretly falling in love with the person pretending to be Sterling but who's actually the divorced and dead ghost of Sterling's ex-wife. Who will untangle this sexy tangle? What happens when Sterling and Heraldine show up at their first date? Heraldine with a series of bullet points on a cue card and Jeff Ramaya stricken with a misplaced jealousy feeding her lustful lines on an ear bug from a nearby table

while Sterling is alternately astonished, aroused and possessed by his horny ex-wife. Find out in Swipe Right for passion. If you liked Mrs. Doubtfire but felt it lacked gratuitous fingering, this is the novel for you, with a brief yet sensual cameo by Colin Firth as a comically confused waiter who accidentally gets fellatioed in the chaos. The Guardian called Swipe Right for Passion a work of soaring ambition. The New York Review of Books said quote, upsetting yet arousing.

End quote. Well thank you for listening buglers and thank you for listening to all of our recordings from our live shows through March and thanks if you came to those shows they were a huge amount of fun as live Bugles always are we have a couple more in London in June and hopefully some more dotted around the universe in the not too distant future don't forget you can get Alice's Dancy Lagarde book on pre-order now via the Bugle website where you can also join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme to help keep this show free, flourishing and independent. Premium level voluntary subscribers will not only receive an exclusive vinyl edition of the Bugle,

but will also receive the also exclusive monthly Ask Andy show. Go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button to give a one-off or occurring contribution. We're back with a regular show next week featuring Alice and Nish Kumar recorded in various spare rooms, bathrooms, sheds or other assorted available spaces. Until then, goodbye.