The Bugle - US Navy comes up short (and hungry)

Episode Date: April 22, 2026

It's issue 4376! This week Andy is joined by Tiff Stevenson and Neil Delamere as the three jump into this week's news! Starting off with the ramifications of the war in Iran, the trio also discuss the state of US Navy's dining in the wake of reported food shortages, the planet burning up and the UK's Mandelson problem rumbles on! 🇺🇸 US Navy's short supply: The trio discuss the US Navy's food shortage and some ingenious ways of solving it! 🔥 The world's on fire!: The three jump into the latest news out of Japan, as the country prepare to hit a 40c summer. 🇬🇧 UK's Mandelson problem: Andy, Tiff and Neil report the latest on Starmer and his government as they continue to navigate the debacle. Andy's Links: https://www.andyzaltzman.co.uk/Tiff Stevenson's Links: https://tiffstevenson.co.uk/ Neil Delamere's Links: https://www.neildelamere.com/reinventing-the-neil-tour🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Buglers, why kids' jokes so funny? Why do elite sportsmen get given a green blazer? And why is a German supermarket opening a pub in the north of Ireland? Find out in my podcast, Moldly informed, with me, producer Chris, in your podcast feed now. Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,376 of the bugle. Audio newspaper for a... What was it?

No. I forgot my... I chose tagline. This really? Vicious. Visual. Visual world. There you go.

Get them eventually. Audio newspaper for a visual world. I'm Andy Zaltman. The South-styled Jimmy Hendricks of not enjoying the state of the planet right now. I'm taking it to holdy levels. It is the 20th of April, 2026.

I'm delighted to be joined. For this week's vehicle by Tiffany Stevenson and Neil Delamere. Hello to both of you. Hello. Neil, you are in Dublin currently. We are approaching. It's going to be in two months from,

10 years since the Brexit referendum in the UK. What are the kind of relative levels of smugness in the Republic of Ireland? I mean, I mean, it's... Ten years on from that moment, did you say? 10 years on. I mean, we are now so smoke. We could almost handle you guys winning

in the major European. our world football championships. We're not quite there yet. Only 20 years of full economic Armageddon would maybe prepare the Celtic soul for the success of the English men's senior football team.

But we are approaching that. We are approaching that. And I think that's the best way to first describe it. Tip, how are you going to mark the 10th anniversary? You've got big plans? I was going to say Scotland would like a word. They will not be happy for an English victory at the World Cup.

How am I planning to mark, of course, so 2000, was it 2000? I thought it was 17. 16. 16. Oh, wow. The protracted withdrawal. That's my ex called it. E'all.

Honestly, the negotiations went on and on. They're still going on, aren't they? So I think we can all agree 10 years on. It's been a resounding success. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the problem is what sound that resoundingness is making. And it's pretty much the sound of an elephant defecating into its own face.

Anyway, we are recording on the 20th April, 2026. The 22nd of April is Earth Day, which presumably was, I don't know, was that the birth of Earth? Is that where it comes from? I'm not sure. Anyway, it's also the birth of my sister, Helen's her birthday on the 22nd of April. But to mark Earth Day, this issue of the Bugle is available at. exclusively to residents of the planet Earth.

And to help preserve the environment, we're not as we normally do printing 8 billion hard copies of the show in case everyone in the world wants to read it rather than listen to it, just the 1 billion copies this week, and not on animal vellum paper made from the skin of endangered polar bears.

We're doing it on eco-friendly whale leather from naturally beached cetaceans. So we're doing our bit to help keep this planet going. And as always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, an obituaries section we have very moving tributes and obituaries to advanced military planning

the ethics of international diplomacy, dignity and public discourse and Tony the tadpole who sadly didn't make it through the week, much missed. Oh, tone. Sorry, Tony to break it to you. Plus a preemptive obituary from my current stand-up tour

which is on its last legs and concludes on the 9th of May. So get in to see the final few shows. I've got the plug in early this week. That section, in the bin. Top story this week. Well, obviously the top story is the Iran war.

Is it a war? Is it a connoption? Is it a huff-off? Is it a charity fundraise for oil market speculators? Anyway, it continues or doesn't continue, depending on whom you believe and when you believe them. It's still impossible to know what's going on. The US apparently now wants a grand bargain with Iran,

which is a bit of a shift in mood and tone from Operation Epic Fury. But anyway, we're going to leave the current details, situation verbiage mayhem and Lego-based goading aside for this week's top story and the top story this week is the impact of the top story this week and the Iran whatever it is is causing shortages around the world not just shortages of logic planning humanity law sense brains hope shipping Grand Prix motor races in the Middle East and other stuff but also shortages of food including reportedly on the US Navy's ships that are engaged in the blockade, stroke, counter blockade, counterblockade, in the Straits of Hormuz. There's been some harrowing photos of distressingly

empty food trays on US ships. Obviously, the official White House line is that the soul-nurturing nourishment of justice, freedom and the holy spiritual nivana of serving the will of President Trump is all that the workforce of the US Navy needs to keep it going. But some crew have apparently been less than content with the actual food they've been getting for their actual physical stomachs. So what have you guys made of this? Obviously, we don't know exactly what's going on here. A few photos of a lonely tortilla and half a gerbils worth of shredded meat or what may or may not

have been some sort of type of variation of sausage. Does not prove an institutional shortage. However, there was proof of these shortages being real when the Office of the Chief of Naval Operations issued a statement denying the report. which is basically in the modern world proof that they're definitely, definitely happening. And Pete Higgsith, the Crusade Costblank Secretary of State for Shitbrain military mayhem, and reigning pseudo-Christian of the year described the reports of shortages as fake news. So we know they're definitely happening.

What have you guys made of this? It's a bit of – I don't know if either of you are planning on joining the US military, but it looks like the food's food offering isn't great. I'm up for it. I mean, I didn't know there was a grand bargain happening, and I hope David Dickinson is negotiating. that. I believe he uses the same spray tanner as Donald Trump. I was reading the story. It says the USS Abraham Lincoln and amphibious assault ship USS Tripoli were not getting enough to eat. Now, if we're doing presidents and naming ships after them, surely it makes sense to name the amphibious

assault ship after Trump because he's definitely committed assault and probably in a swimming pool at some point. Yeah, and also, you probably don't want to name it after a president who, who, who was, was shot. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it is, also, you're sending into the theater of war. I mean, we all, we don't look at Lincoln in a theater. It doesn't work out. They showed, they showed, they showed a pitcher, didn't they have a lunch tray with a piece of meat on it that was just sort of gray, unknown gray meat? I don't know, is that dolphin? I don't know how many grey meats are in existence. Could it be John Major?

We know he's probably the cause. So maybe he's offered up some of his own carrots that look like they've been cut by the chef's teeth. And Pete Hegseth said, listen, this is not true. It's all lies, presumably mince lies with a tortilla on the side. It feels almost like, I don't know how you feel, guys. It feels almost like the US have steamed into this conflict

with zero preparation and no idea of a desired outcome. It is possible that that's happened. We don't, we'll have to wait for the verdict of history, which is just coming. Yeah, the verdict of history is that's exactly what happened. This is foreseeable, right? This, Pete Hague said, this is what happens when you let a man who is that religious rule the military. Somebody said to him, there's 5,000 people in the USS Tripoli, what food do we need? And he went, I would pack maybe two loaves and five fish.

And that would do you do that. John first. Pete Hake said I started to call the press the Pharisee press. Have you seen this? The Pharisee media. So please tell me that the people in the Department of Defense are careful with their pronunciation because if he's going around

going, the Pharisee media can't be trusted and the Pharisee media are all liars. And then someone just says, you know the main language of Iran is farcee? He was like, I knew it? Are you it? This is worse than I thought if I make quote from the Bible, this is a letter from the reading of St. Paul

to Django Unchained, and then he goes off on one. The Iranian embassy came with a little clapback, didn't they? Saying they want the sailors to use the toilets less, which is a reference to a toilet problem suffered by aircraft carrier, the USS General R Ford.

apparently this was beset by sewage problems that led to 45 minute cues for people wanting to use the toilet. Dude, hurry up, I've got to shit out this dolphin meat. It's great. It's sounding less and less like military maneuvering and more like a budget weekend on an easy jet cruise. To go back to the John Major meet, by the way, according to the press at the time,

I seem to remember you would normally have John Major's meat in Curry, wouldn't you? Now, that is a very old... Oh, we show. Reference. No, I like it. I like it. I'm quite happy with it. This is weird because it's all part of Operation Epic Fury.

Now, I always think Epic Fury sounds like Tyson's eldest child because all of Trump's major military operations are just named after Tyson Fury's children. There's Epic Fury. The youngest is called CryptoGrift Fury, I think. In fairness, he does have a daughter called Venezuela Fury, which is the name of the military operation, to give the White House this level of confidence in the first place. Also a very fetching shade of paint, apparently. Yeah, I mean, further evidence also of quite how childish this war is.

We talked about this in previous vehicles with the Lego videos and now Iran, which is still, let's not forget, a murderous extreme theocratic regime, trolling America, with phenomenal levels of juvenility. I can't quite process the sort of, I don't know, is cognitive dissonance? Is that the right term? But in terms of the American food issue, Napoleon Bonaparte famously said,

an army marches on its stomach, although that, of course, did lead to his forces being vulnerable to more agile opposition forces who were marching on their legs, which might explain why he lost some of his key battles. But there have been reports, amidst these reports, of a lack of food in the US Navy

that the Pentagon and the US military have called in celebrity celebrity chef Scluton Malvane to rebrand the scanty US Navy meals. These reports have neither been confirmed nor denied, but we have just received a special menu that Malvane has

reportedly curated for staff on US Navy ships to make them think they're actually getting a triple Michelin-starred meal despite the lack of any actual physical food. The starters on the menu poached phoenix eggs Florentined with spinach

nihilities in an immaterial Hollandees served on an English nothing or a homeopate of bruised chicken soles served with toasted echo of lost bread and vaporized butter

unaccompanied by a phantomato ketchup main courses are a choice of id of pork room temperature roasted alongside an absenteer of ungrown potato cauliflower voids poached in a

non-sommi of unicorn serviced with an impalper of apple sauce, or halibut leg and shoulder of scallop ensupped in the Vietnamese faux-fo with crack and roe and triffid flowers. And for dessert, spiritual essence of Blackberry on an apparition of meringue, gooseberry ghosts besotted with an ethereal cereal crumb, or a conceptual litre of hand-evaporated nought percent chocolate evernessed with a metaphysical melon moose. And the cheese options are Gorgon milk, Gorgonzola,

scamsgamorza, or breeder no. So that does seem to suggest that there isn't a lot of food knocking around. Coke Zero was right there. I don't understand what the Marine Corps is. Is it just sea soldiers? I see sea soldiers on the seashore. The Navy is different to the Marines. And then there are naval aviators like Maverick who land on a boat but aren't Marines.

And then there are Marines that fight on the ground who never go to sea, like in full metal. jacket. Have I got it, if you could just explain it to me through the medium of 80s films, I might understand how the Marines work. Not quite 80s films, but 90s films, Pete Hegeseth apparently read a prayer that was from Pulp Fiction rather than the Bible. So, I mean, that's, you know, maybe the films are basically what this is based on. I mean, I guess you can, you can see it because maybe, I think America had more military triumphs in 1980s films than in reality. So you can see

why they're turning to that, I guess. Well, it's not just the US Navy that could be finding itself a little more peckish than the human stomach enjoys being. The entire world could be following suit. This according to Jose Andres, renowned Spanish-American chef, respirator, humanitarian, academic and founder of the World's Central Kitchen, which is a not-for-profit non-governmental organization

providing food relief in disaster zones. That's natural disaster. as well as human disasters, such as wars and human aggravated natural disasters, and nature aggravated human aggravated human aggravated, human-agravated, human-natural disasters. I think that encompasses everything. Anyway, basically, Jose Andros, his organisation, gives food, proper food, to people in desperate needs. Some might say that's a bit woke, giving food to the needy to stop them starving, rather than letting the free markets and or gods will do what they clearly want to do.

But it's a free-ish world, and we're not going to judge him here at the bugle. not clear if he and Scluton Malvain have ever worked together. But anyway, Andres has warned that the collapse of the global fertilizer trade could spark vast, elongated famines. This ironically, despite the world being more full of sh** than ever. But I guess it's the right kind of you need to grow crops through fertiliser. But still, the supply chains for fertilizers are being dangerously impacted by the Straits of Hormuz spat, which of course is an unlucky and completely unforeseeable byproduct of the Iran War.

because before the attacks were launched, there were no maps of the area available online or in the Washington, D.C. area. And Iran closing the Straits of Homs was not foretold in any divine visions to Trump, Pete Hegseth or J.D. Vance, which, to be heard, the only reliable way of predicting

how things will pan out these days. But, I mean, this is, you know, I'm not really a massive fan of global famines. I like food, and I know other people like it as well, and it is still regrettably necessary for human existence. We can't just download a thing

into our stomachs. So, I mean, this could cause merry havoc around the world. World Central Kitchen founder believes the war would cause a silent collapse of the global fertilizer trade. And I don't understand that. Can we not just make our own?

Isn't that what compost toilets are? Or our human feces, bad for fertilizer? Is it just horse poo and cow poo that we like to collect like weird shit goblins? I'm not so you're basically saying we just need more music festivals to governments Global collapse of agriculture Yeah I'm trying to understand

I just I thought fertiliser was made from natural gases and And mulch but apparently we get ammonia nitrate from Lithuania and Eurea from Ethiopia and I just think Listen we've got our own piss here If there's one thing the UK knows is how to take the piss So I just think It's the last thing to go It's the last thing to go from a fading civilization, like a boxes punch.

But apparently, he was sort of saying, he said, if the fertilised don't arrive in time for key planting windows, the yields can fall. But what you also said was, in America, you can have a two or three percent increase. People will manage. But in places like Haiti, they don't serve you a kilo of rice. They serve you one ounce at a time. So these people are going to suffer the consequences. Then he said, there's one solution that he's been pushing that he believes is insulting. simple, a 3% peace tax based on the total GDP of every country. And I'm like, what, is this guy

an economist now as well? Like, you're a chef mate. Stick to what you're good at. This is like when a footballer says he's a DJ. No, you are not. Know your limits. It's about time. Men knew their goddamn limits. And I just, do you know what it is? Men talking with confidence about stuff that they don't understand is what's caused these problems in the first place. That's also the first eight years of the bugle, to be honest. I'm really glad you weren't around in Isaac Newton's time. You're just going, listen, Appleboy, pickle in. Listen, it's calculus.

It's calculus orange sort of thermodynamics. You can't do everything. You're a man talking about stuff he doesn't know anything about. I'm multi-hyphenate myself. I want less. I want less of them. The slight good news in that less. Less fertilizer means less fertilizer being imported means less fertiliser put on land,

which means less effluent run into rivers, which means less pollution in rivers, which means more healthy rivers. So there's a very good chance that if peacocks go well in Pakistan, Fergal Sharkey's going to kick in the door and just go. I hear he, he called your mum a slag, just saying, and then just, just, sharky out. good hand he says his heart to find and he just moonwalks out of the meeting causes consternation and saves every, all I'm saying is

You are the economists now as well, Neil? I sent away and apparently I am now I think Brexit was a brilliant idea like a war is an amazing way to figure out supply chains that you didn't know anything about like you you do go God I didn't know we got that from there

I didn't know we got that from there The latest one is carbon dioxide. CO2 apparently is the next one that there are shortages of. And helium was the other thing. There was a shortage. Helium has doubled the price, I think, since the start to do this, 2006. And you're just like, are you trying to tell me

that there's going to be balloon inflation? I find that satisfying and annoying at the same time. So CO2's brought in, I think, for, for food preservation and for dispatching of animals, I think. So, but we support most of that. And if you think that the government is going to come up with a way to store carbon dioxide anytime soon,

I wouldn't hold my breath. Yeah, so, I mean, this shortage of CO2 would not only spell disaster for people in Britain who like fizzy drinks. I mean, how many flat glasses of milk and flat cups of coffee can one society take before it crumbles. But as you say, it's also used in food preservation and the slaughter of some animals

and no one wants to go back to the old axe, chainsaw, and catapult days for that. But a key part of this, though, is this is a worst-case scenario. People are talking about it. There's a government source reported saying that the government is planning for a straits of Hormuz aggravated breakdown in the supply of carbon dioxide. CO2, of course, the sequel to the not particularly enjoyable,

somewhat toxic even CO. But the key part is this is a worst case scenario. So it sort of comes down to the choice of headlines, which go from UK in reasonable shape to ride out current uncertainty to UK on the verge of starving to death from the same story, but which one's going to get people reading? So there's quite a lot of entertainingly apocalyptic headlines that are basically saying this might possibly happen.

And luckily for Britain, in terms of food preparation and preservation, most of our popular foods, sausages, donna cababs, chicken nuggets, fish fingers can be made with literally anything so we should be able to ride out any food supply crisis by just using our own landfill sites. We used so much of it though, apparently. Like dry ice is CO2 as well

because younger listeners won't know this and younger viewers, but before dry ice, we used to have to wait until fog naturally occurred to film stars in their eyes episodes. He used to have to wait. we'd have to do it on a moor basically. It's a long time ago tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Marlina Dietrich,

but then Dray has come along and boom, boom, boom. I can't believe neither of you have mentioned the real troubling effect, which will be the lack of your ability to pitch your voice up five octaves for comedic effect. I mean, there's going to be, I mean, it's bad news in terms of the lack of helium for that,

but good news for people who make living selling testicle clamps, I guess. Well, I don't know if you've seen the deal that Riverdance have done. They will happily do a jig on your ball sack if you really want to ramp up. So there are a new commercial, I suppose new commercial opportunities. But see, this is the fresh fruit vegetables shortage. There's going to be a shortage of fresh fruit and vegetables caused by Donald Trump because he doesn't care because this is what happens.

if you elect a man who already looks like he is scurvy. Well, I think if we do have the food shortages, again, I'll follow on from my earlier idea. Full force collectivisation. Everyone has a vegetable patch in their garden, fertilised with our own proper British piss and shit, and then we bring back marrows. Right.

Bring back marrows and taking stupid pictures of them while everyone tries to figure out, like just one recipe. that has a marrow in it. I don't know of any dish that has a marrow. And then, you know, listen, it might be good because it'll be survival of the fittest or the actually it might be the opposite

because I think the influencers will starve and die out because they can't grow collagen powder or creatine. And then they'll have to pivot into marrow lifting and beef tallow wrestling and we'll have all new influencing. It could be an exciting time for us. One food that is already in short supply here

are corny shons. the fun-sized French Gurkin variety. Some sandwich shops in Britain have had to pull various Cornishon-based snacks from their shells. This is really putting everything in perspective. The Hormuz blockades could even force up the price of all pickled goods, meaning that the international Gurkin futures market is now worth in excess of $140 trillion. dollars. That skyscraper in London has actually doubled in price as well. I mean it's very concerning, Tiff, very concerning. This is a genuine national trauma that's

panning out in front of our eyes. Have you seen, so the Cornishon shortage means that Pratt have had to pull their Jamon Burr, but also there's a shop called Max's Sandwich Shop in Finsbury Park. He's placed a huge order to like preempt the problem because they they use it as a as an acidic crunch in one of their sandwiches. He said, I quote, we blend them up to make a tarragon salsa in our chicken, a chicken sandwich called Etoubrewt, murdering the Caesar. This is peak hipster sandwich making. And I'm here for it. So I've come up with a few of my own. I've got the peanut butter and I don't think you're ready for this jelly sandwich. Bacon, lettuce and you say tomato, I say tomato, let's call the whole thing off.

Ham and Cole Slaughterhouse Five. Finally, I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member club sandwich. I read this story and people slag off the garretion for being the repository of middle class nonsense. But every so often, Andy, Tiff, their investigative journalism makes it worth the money I give them. And this is what it does time. Without this, without them, I would not have known about the Cornish Unshortage this year, the Tapanat drought of 06 or the Great Hummus Famine of 2014. We need to know these things.

It's going to be a shortage of cucumbers, which is a problem for many reasons. Number one, how are we going to know about if someone is spoiling themselves in a the film if there's nothing to put her on the rise in the bath. First question. And how are we going to make adult snowmen in the winter? These are very serious questions. We could replace them with courgettes. In the US, a corsette isn't called the corgette.

It is called an Ozempic marrow. The idea of the pickled cucumber, as you said, for that particular sandwich in the pretto-mange is that the tartness cuts through the fat and the butter of that particular sandwich that they've had to take off the shelves. So apparently prep will continue their sandwich lines. They will just put in other things that lend them acidity. So the new range is very interesting. Turkey, Bree and Piss, which is, I mean, it'll do the job.

Meatballs up and bleach. And my favorite one is cheese and ham. And that's ham with a double A. And it just give you a battery to lick during the middle of it. So you just take a bite and then just lick it. I mean, stories were also reported on BBC radio, no less, of unscrupulous food retailers, replacing cornishons with substitutes,

including slugs painted green and kept in the fridge, so they have goose pimples, normal-sized pickle cucumbers, but further away, and come with the frog's frog-dongle. Let me see, they were reported on BBC radio by me on the news quiz. But no smoke without fire, buglers. No smoke without fire. Well, as well as the apocalypse,

headlines about Cornishon shortages and everyone having to travel by donkey again, reducing commuter journey times by up to two minutes in parts of Britain. There have also been harrowing tales about shortages of jet fuel, airplanes running out of fuel having to activate the seldom used flap wings button. According to a European Energy Agency, Europe may have only six weeks of jet fuel left. So it could be time to dust off those unused homemade hot air balloons. Now, six weeks of jet fuel,

I've done the math on this. There are around 35,000 daily flights in Europe. So six weeks of that, put all of that fuel into one plane. We could get 1.5 billion miles away, give or take. We could relocate to almost, basically get to Uranus on that amount of fuel,

which, you know, look, I mean, Earth doesn't seem great at the moment. Uranus, according to the NASA website, Uranus is very cold and windy, which is a glorious understatement, makes it sound like Scotland. In fact, minus 200 degrees Celsius with winds of 900 kilometres an hour. So no point taking an umbrella, but you will need some thermal underwear and a decent overcoat. But anyway, I mean, this six weeks of jet fuel left, which is interesting. Six weeks of jet fuel left us. Not a lot, is it?

Yeah, but the really ruthless airlines will cope what less do you. Give it a week before that. When that announcement is actually made, and you'll see 14 swans tied to their wings of a Ryanair jet, you just have Michael O'Leary. You know, Michael O'Leary getting a tube and just siphoning the petrol out of a B-A jet. He'll be able to do that.

And I think the government will, start then making decisions on based on fuel efficiency like and so with the airlines. You know that little frame that they have at the gate in order for you to fly in future you will have to fit into that. That would be, don't mind your bank.

It'll just be you just have to climb into that little frame and then the government will, I would imagine, will monitor petrol and diesel and aerodynamics will be key. Like you won't be able to drive a convertible unless you have a pointy face. I think that would be

so like you like you a bit Cumberbatch yes Harry McGuire no Adrian Brody yes Ron Perlman no Brian Cox yes Brian Cox no so it'll be difficult

in certain circumstances I can we can we just put one thing to bed about fuel right by the way by the way while I'm on this Donald Trump causing a bloody aviation fuel crisis right called by America

if he tells me that I can't go to Lanzarotti. And then NASA have just spat 700,000 gallons of fuel up for one. To go and look at the moon. Do you go? Are we going to take pictures of the moon? It kisses a bit of the moon that we haven't seen before.

Oh, look, look at the moon. Is the moon all-inclusive? No. Does the moon of a kids club? No. The moon is a big, rare rock, right, with no potable water. So is Lanzerati. Let me go to Lanzerati.

But the only thing that the moon has gone for it is to when Neil Lampson wanted to land, he didn't have, there wasn't a German dude who had this towel there on the moon, that he had to go moon so he could land a lander there before he got there. That's the only thing the moon is going for. That would have been a real surprise if they had been there. Yeah. You'd have had to ask questions over how that German got there and when. Well, apparently the worst, if you look at the history of NASA,

they had some amazing German rocketines and that's all I'm going to say they have been expecting you Mr Armstrong there were also reports what that the airlines could end up

with this restricted number of flights making passengers sort of bid apply like a tendering system on exactly how much they need that flight And, you know, so it's going to get competitive. You know, I need my two weeks of cultural enrichment studying the iconography of altar panelling

in post-premedieval Balkan churches. More than Dave here needs his two weeks going large in Ibiza. You qualify for the next round. Right. I definitely need to see those simple but evocative, partially gilded pictures of saints. But does Petula actually need that specialist life-saving kidney graft and liver transplant surgery that's only available in a single-specific hospital in Austria? Or does you just want it for social media content and to look cool?

It's going to get competitive. Going to get nasty. One of those clout transplants. I'm just doing a transplant for clout, mate. In terms of the impact of the Iran-Shemoisel on Britain, there have been increasing concerns about the state of the British military in this uncertain world. Former Defence Secretary in NATO Big Cheese, George Laudy Robertson,

warned about the UK's lack of preparedness for war. He pointed out that Britain's welfare budget is now five times the amount we spend on defence, which suggests there's quite a simple solution, because the biggest part of the welfare budget is pensions. So all we need to do is just reassign all pensioners to the military, and problem solved. You know, we'd stack our military with our military, with numbers.

I think the pensioners would largely enjoy it. It'll keep them active. It's mostly not front-line stuff anymore anyway. You don't need to be able to ride a horse or wield a mace or run towards enemy machine guns anymore. Well, warfare's moved on. And look, you know, older people in the army, we might even get a half-decent sitcom out of it. So I just don't see any negatives here. No negatives.

You think you're kidding, Mr. Zaltzman. He said we're spending too much on welfare and not enough on defence because, of course, all war is class war. why would we want to feed kids when we're just going to throw them into the war grinder anyway? What a waste of free school meals? But why is this always the thing that they come for when they want to divert funds? I don't know. Here's an idea.

Go with me on this, guys. What if some of these huge corporations paid tax you could use that? Get them to sponsor it. Let's do proper. I know wars are technically sponsored, but let's just make it more up front, right? We can have tanks by Starbucks with the name of the rank misspelled on the side of them.

Uniforms by Sheen that disintegrate the minute you get wet and missiles by Uber, obviously there's a delay on them and then they land like five minutes walk away from where you actually want them to strike. But I think this is a good idea. That's already happening as well. I thought it was a little bit pointed that the ex-defense secretary lamb-based the government had a speech in the guilds

Hall in Saldsbury. So there was a worry that the Russian security services were actively surveilling the speech, but the lads apparently were just visiting the cathedral. It's sort of a tradition that they do, you know? Like, in fairness, he kind of has a point because according to a NATO study or NATO assessment, the Russians are going to be ready for war in three years. And Stammer has committed to getting defence spending up to, I think, three and a half percent of GDP, but only by 2035. So the ex-defense secretary, has, after much kind of consideration, come to the conclusion that being able to defend yourself

only six short years after you've been attacked isn't necessarily the best way to go. But I think you'd hope that, you know, now that that's out in the public domain, Russia would have the, you know, because what a fair fight, don't you? You don't want to cheat your way to a military victory? So Russia would have the decency to just wait

until we're ready and have a proper, a proper contest. That's just good sportsmanship still exists. If the history of Russian sportsmanship and the 20th century is to be studied, I think most people would agree with you. That would be their approach, Andy. Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, I said Russia. I mean, independent soldiers representing Russia. They would be able to fight on the country. George Robertson also said that Britain has avoided a national conversation about defence. And I think this is one really good thing that's come out of it. I mean, sure, we might be a fading force on the international stage.

We might be increasingly marginalised and increasingly vulnerable. But at least we're dealing with this in the most British way possible by avoiding an awkward conversation. So that shows we've still got something. A quick bit of UK news before we move on. As we record on Monday, lunchtime-ish, Keir Stama, the Prime Minister, is still Prime Minister, but is facing increasing pressure as the ongoing Peter Mandelson vetting debacle goes on.

I think we talked about this a little a few weeks ago. I mean, there remains a lot of confusion about how Peter Mandelson was appointed to a major public position as Ambassador to the USA late in 2024, despite the fact that he had a Wikipedia page by then with all the details of everything he'd said and done over the course of his career. We don't yet know quite how this is going to pan out. There was some suggestion that Peter Manilson, who's facing potential criminal proceedings, was a flight risk. And this was after his Spotify downloads included the classic animals track,

We've got to get out of this place. And he was overheard singing John Denver's leaving on a jet plane in the shower before. local pub quiz, he gets the answer to every question in the music rounders, fly me to the moon. But anyway, we don't know yet whether that's true or not. I mean, it's a kind of weird way for, and this is something we come to a lot with British politics. The Starma government, barely a third of the way through a five-year term with a massive majority, is clinging to the precipice of existence as if it's deeply unpopular after three decades of mismanagement. It's extraordinary.

I'm intrigued by the descriptions of this because they keep calling it a vetting failure, which, you know, he wasn't trying to birth a calf. I've heard it called the Mandelson Misteps, which is definitely a semi-final dance on Strictly. All I know is it's a blame-a-thon,

right? So Downing Street are blaming the Foreign Office, and the Foreign Office are blaming the security company, and security company are blaming the Cabinet who are blaming Star Mart. It's the old, I know an old man who swallowed a fly system of ethics, perhaps he'll die. I don't know why he swallowed a flight. We're now at the swallowed a horse is dead of course slash resigning stage. And, you know, if Starma goes,

it would just be, it would just mean Mandelson is like, it might end Stama's career, but Mandy is like Teflon. The man's seen more scandal than Olivia Pope. It's incredible that nothing seems to stick to him no matter what he does. Yeah, the paper is reported that he didn't get the full clearance, security clearance, because of his lobbying contracts with Chinese companies. And you think, that is how unsuitable Mandelson is for the job. Imagine hanging around with a convicted pedophile. And that's not the reason that you passed a vetting. That's not the reason. There should have been one question on the vetting form for Peter Mandelson. And that question should have been, are you Peter Mandelson? And he, yes. No. No, no, thank

the person I really feel sorry for is the next UK ambassador to the US because their vetting is going to be forensic is what I would suggest I would suggest it would be somewhere between waterboarding and a full-on colonoscopy I mean the first question it's forward enough it'll be nonses far or against but it'll get difficult after that the question I guess for storm is does he still have his hand on the tiller and if so is the tiller still attached to the ship and if so can he find a way of reversing the ship back upwards to the surface for a revenge hit on the iceberg?

So it's looking tricky for him at the moment but we will have full updates on the premature collapse of Britain's government over the next I don't know, 20 minutes, maybe longer we'll see how long it takes. Well, Bugler's that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle, we will have full updates on the latest evolution of our great species next week with Alice Fraser and Nish Kumar.

As I said, do come to the final few shows of my tour details at Andyzaltzman.co.ukuk. Neil, do you have anything to plug? Yeah, I'm on tour at the moment, including in the city varieties in Leeds and the Pocklington Art Centre next, and we're adding shows all over Lyceum in Edinburgh, Stan, in Newcastle, the place we did to Bugle in Burgle in Burr, Birmingham, the old rep, and Oliver place in Lesoth Square Theatre in London. And I'm doing a podcast called Why Would You Tell Me That where we talk about weird things and weird facts that we love like, Archieuilpour, used to carry a coin between these but-ups so that David Soushier could get the walk right.

So random stuff like that. You will like this. What coin was it? We all, listen, there was a deep dive on that as well. We both went for the old Irish city piece just for gripability. But if you want to find out the answer, listen to the podcast.

Why would you tell me that wherever you get your part? Tip. Yes, I have some upcoming post-coital tour dates. 6th of May, I will be in Belfast. I'm doing the Cathedral Quarter Arts Festival. So I'm doing the show there. 24th of May in Cambridge and Cheshem. 28th of May, Wivenhoe.

Funny Farm, 29th of May, Surbiton. So those are just the May ones. I went Derby on the 31st. But I'm going across Europe later in the year, so if you want all the dates, just head to probably my link tree on my Instagram or my website to have Stevenson.com. There you go. Consider yourself plumped buglers.

Until next week. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman, as you may know. The bugle, as well as being the world's only ever, longest-running and arguably best audio newspaper for a visual world, is one of the very few fully independent media empires remaining in this thus far very silly millennium. Our voluntary subscribing listeners have made this possible, and you, if you are not already one, can join them to keep our shows free, flourishing and independent for the rest of all eternity. Disclaimer, eternity may not be completely eternal. Get more of what you love.

Exclusive subscriber-only content, including the all-a-reesome. most monthly Ask Andy show in which I, Andy, answer your questions, plus fresh hits of Bugle merch. We just sent our premium subscribers a jigsaw with my face on it. If that doesn't sell it, nothing will. I and my wonderful cohort of co-hosts will continue to blast the Bugle's trademark cocktail of satire, insight, puns, disinsight and unashamed high-grade drivel into your ears and all over the planet. Here's to another 18 and a half years minimum. To become a true hero or just to join the voluntary subscription scheme go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button.