The Bugle - VIB – Very Important Bugle

Episode Date: June 3, 2016

A very important Bugle Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello Bugleers and welcome to Bugle Episode. Well, it doesn't really have a number, maybe a code name, a bugle, episode, snoozing phoenix, it's not really an episode as such, it's actually have a date either. And it does have a date, it's the second of June 2016, that is a date. I am Andy Zoltzman, and joining me from New York City on the wrong side of the right ocean, it's the one and only Senator Satirico, Congressman Comedy Quip, vice president, very pertinent. It's John Oliver. Operation snoozing Phoenix, on the way, Andy.

That is a phenomenal name for an operation. It's John Oliver. Operation snoozing Phoenix underway, Andy. That is a phenomenal name for an operation. I'm guessing it's an operation which every one at the end of it would still be alive. And nothing really would have changed from the original situation that everyone was in before the operation was launched. Heavy snooze.

Hello, Andy. Hello, Puglers. So, yes, Andy, this is something of an update for Bughlers. And that is that, as I think it's probably painfully clear, I have not been able to do the Bughal properly over the last year, or some say six years. Anyway, the timeline is not important, Andy. The point is, we are having to rejig what the bugle is

because of that. Yes, yes. So it's not carrying on in its current form, bugle, as you can, as John has said, it's not been possible. We'd hoped to be able to carry on since John began his own TV show. The problem is, the problem is, I'm f**king busy, Andy. I'm busy as f**king.

And I'm busy as a f**king. And... Yes, and there is weekly, television proof of that. So I think you know, people can see that. Yeah, I have a television show and a baby. And I'm trying not to f**k up either of them. Yeah, but focus on the TV show.

In that old course, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You kidding me? Showbiz, John. I know what the priorities are. You talking to John the Hollywood. But so it's not carrying on as it is, but that's not, it's not all bad news, Boogles.

If indeed you consider that bad news. I was going to say I'm not sure. Most people think we've got to the bad news yet. You might think, oh great, I can get my life back at last. It's barely news. Yes, the good news. We will relaunch. There will be a new bugle, a different bugle in September with no John Oliver's involved, but with me and I cast of rotating guest co-hosts from around the world.

But I do not mean they will be physically rotating like kind of comedic Donica Babs. I mean, a cast of different co-hosts who will join me every few weeks, some of the finest comedians in the known universe, including from America, John's old daily show, Compadre Wyatt Senac, Andy, Andy, the excellent Harry Condobolo.

From India, we have the top-notch stand-up and satirist and all-round polymath, Anuva Pal, from Britain, rising star of our comedy scene over here, Nish Kumar, some say he's like a British John Oliver. And the undisputed... I'm not a poor guy, I don't say that to him. That's a horrible thing to say to anyone. The undisputed thing to say to me, and I am the British gentleman.

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And also with that, Gandhi, you should bring back. And I still haven't got that episode when you were in a hotel room naked as the day you were sadly gone. That was a long time ago. you were in a hotel room naked as the day he was sadly gone. That was a long time ago. Yeah, I mean, that was, that was what 2008. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I was still, you know, I did the bugle Andy. Should I have done the bugle that day? That's, I, that's for history to decide, isn't it? So do email us. We're sure Truman have dropped the second atomic bomb. We don't know. The belt- Don't say that, I haven't seen the sequel of the Truman show. So I do E-Mullus with any suggestions for how you'd like the new re-bugle,

bugle to me. Producer Chris, the beacon of hope across the civilized world that he is, will be staying with us. Won't you, Chris? He's not actually here for this recording, but he's putting the show together afterwards, so I hope we'll put a cheerful yes in here Oh god

Okay It will be unquestionably a different show. I mean, you have to admit, Fair Play-Gone, you have been a valued contributor to the bugle over the years and thanks very much for that. It will be different, but hopefully it will be good and funny and interesting and maintain the raw animal eroticism that's always been fundamental to the dynamic of the show. We will continue deposing des spots where are you now, Gaddafi and lampooning loonssters? You know who you are.

Actually, you might not. That's often more of the characteristics of high grade loonssters. As we have since the bugle was born in 2007. So, never fear bugleers. This show will continue to shine the light of bullshit, wherever truth or reality, threaten to darken the planet, only with 50% different voices, including some lady voices which are now legal, unreliably informed. It will also,

once again, be a weekly podcast. Be nice to have someone to get me out of the house more often again. You know what it's like at my age, John, I need to keep social otherwise I'll just wither away. And we will relaunch in mid-September and if all goes well we will run until let me check my diary. The end of time it'll go out on the same feed so you will not need to adjust your whatever radios are these days. We might even update the websites but we don't want to rush into things in case websites prove to be a passing fad. What about the Christmas jump, Andy? Will they be ready. The Christmas jump, I mean that's the question that I've been skirting around I guess, John. I mean

I'm not sure we entirely sold out of last year's Christmas jumpers due to the slight aforementioned lack of episodes. So I'm sure there will be, we'll have to probably do a new logo as well. You're going to have to be st Stalin'd out of the logo, John Oh, yeah, that's it Yeah, well that's some we can't rule it out. We can't rule it in so How it's gonna be funded is a bit up in here, but we are ending the current voluntary subscription scheme and but we are ending the current voluntary subscription scheme. And I'm sure we'd both like to give enormous and eternal thanks to all of you who've contributed over our years of independence to keep us going.

So that is the news bugle. The bugle is both ending and rebeginning, if rebeginning is indeed. Like Jesus. Very much like Jesus. Very, very interesting. He ended it, didn't he? And then he kind of rebegan that was you were never proved John that was that was at best here say So John before you disappear into the obscurity of the world beyond the bugle Could you just tell us how do you see the rest of this year?

Panting out. I mean, oh very well Andy. I don't know if you've seen the news everything is shaping up really well for the world So I feel really comfortable leaving the world in a really solid place Where just everyone could take a breath thing You know you're always nervous to say everything's going to be fine But we're closer now than we've ever been right and by fine. Do you mean over? That's oh yeah, I mean, drawing a line under it and basically waiting for the inevitable blackness that will engulf us all. Right. Because I saw that Donald Trump is two to one odds to become American president. And

you can get a double on Donald Trump and Armageddon ending the world also at two to one. I'll take that. That's a nice acumen like that. Yes, a lovely acumen like that. I mean, is it actually possible, John? I mean, you're basically the the the defining stick of American politics this day. Is it possible? Yes, yes, it's possible. Yeah. I mean, it was it was not likely that Leicester City would win the Premiership, Andy.

Oh, to be honest, I would rather that Leicester City became president of the United States. Little Jamie Fardy running around the Oval Office. What is your like? I mean, unthinkable has become. He had more as wouldn't be too popular with the Trump supporters, but still. LAUGHTER

But he swung step away from becoming America's first king since George III, and that didn't end too happily. I mean, he's much more confident than George III, don't they? But, I mean, you can trace this. You can trace how all this started happening to you. I mean, 10 years ago, if you'd said to someone, Donald Trump will be on the verge of the presidency within a little over a decade. People would have thought you were absolutely insane.

Then you move to America, John. What the f*** have you done to the place? I don't know, I think I might have elementally disabled this place in some way that no one could fully understand. I mean, I would love to say this is not entirely my fault, Andy, but do I know that for sure? I'm not sure I do. Now, back on this side of the Atlantic, it's a huge summer. It's all about Europe here, boats, I mean the European football championships. Little Jamie Fardy, Andy.

Zipping around. Yeah, he does a lot of zipping around. I've got an England V-Wiles clash. The rivalry as old as... Gareth B. Zippin' at owned. And I mean, it is America. It's cited about the European football championships.

They are not sure it's happening. Don't spoil it for them. What about the copper America? Isn't that happening in America? They're slightly more aware that that's happening, but still not extremely aware. And the European referendum, of course, on the 23rd of June, a day when this nation will awake, sniff the air and say to itself, I love the smell of referendums in the morning.

And you can't vote, can you? No, I can't. What's happening over there? Well, we're basically... we've got a gun pointed at our own face, which we're just, we're just, it's a trigger finger, I'm the, we're deciding which, it would feel so good. The trigger is so cold. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's got to be tough. I mean, I think I'm going to vote to stay in the UU, because I mean, it just sounds like a lot of admin to leave, and I'm quite lazy. Now Andy, I've got a quick question here.

Yeah, you know because I've not been in Britain whilst the referendum has been imminent. Is the referendum as I'm guessing it is, is it bringing the best out in people? Well, we you say that? If by the best, you mean unbelievably childish political campaigning and unnecessarily personal abuse, then yes. That's exactly what I mean. That is the high point of democracy for me. That is what the Athenians intended all along. I pretty much got there in about 20 years.

So it's a dance as old as democracy itself, John. All buglers, please do vote as often as possible, wherever you are, wherever you come from. If you're not technically eligible to vote, then we have reached a special arrangement. There's a secret code word for buglers. Just go up to anyone working at a polling station on the 23rd of June and say the words,

f*** you, Chris. And you will be instantly given a voting slip. And buglers votes count double. That's a special deal we reached with the prime minister, David Cameron in return for some free advertising for him. Boris Johnson is a power tool. You know, some adverts are fine. We've got the Olympics coming up, John.

In Rio. Do we? We are supposed to have the Olympics coming up. Yes. I think that's probably the most we can say right now. I don't know if we have any cycling coming up, but that velodrome looks not finished. Well, there's certain logistical issues, certain issues with mosquitoes being our souls as well,

the Zika virus. Our room is now that the rowing will be conducted via Skype on rowing machines around the world. So hopefully there will still be some sports watch in boxing. They announced yesterday they're allowing professional boxes in and chainsaws, anything for TV ratings. And golf, there will be golf in the Olympics. For me, John, golf has as much business being in the Olympics as a Galapagos tortoise has been in a motorcycle pyramid. Sure, you can make it happen, but what is the f***ing point? And, well, so that's it. Enjoy the rest of your year, John, and you, Puglers, we will be back. Well, I will be back in September

with some surrogate John's in spirit, Andy. Yeah, good, good. And do pop in whenever, whenever you've got got my my specter will be haunting you. That's been the case since the day we met. LAUGHTER I am doing a referendum special gig at the other belly in London on 21 June. Also, my new stand-up show, Plan Z, at the stand in Edinburgh during the French 4th to 28 August at 3.40pm, but not Monday the 15th. Also, I'm doing political animal there, Tuesday to Thursday nights, also at the stand. I have satirist for higher gigs, Monday the the 13th of June, and Monday, the 11th of July.

And if you're missing me as a podcast, I am doing a new sports podcast for the Guardian over the summer, called Andy's Oldsman Summer of Sports, covering all sports apart from football, which they already cover. And if you want to keep up with John, you probably see him on the telly, I imagine. So that's it, Buaglus. For phase one of the Buagle era, it is now at an end. And what an appropriate day to do at the second of June, John, so 1,561 years to the minute, since the second sack of Rome by King Genserec and the Vandals. And they left.

What can only be described as a very physical, negative, trip advisor review of the Capitol of Italy. And 120 years since Guillermo Marconi applied for a patent for the wireless telegraph, unwittingly setting in motion a chain of advances that led inevitably to the launch of the Bugle in 2007. And four years since Hosni Mubarak was imprisoned after having the shit ripped out of him on the show, which I think was a pretty crucial plank of evidence in the court case against.

We were on his Wikipedia page for a while, Andy. That's it. You need no more Hosni running around in circles. So that's it, Bugle. Oh, of war, for now. There will be a couple more things on the feed over the summer. Thank you very much for listening to this bugle ditch the Deadwood special. The king is dead. Long live the selection of interchangeable new kings and also queens. Any final words, John? Guys like Game of Thrones, Andy.

Ha ha ha ha. It's like an audio red wedding over here. It's like Game of Thrones, isn't it? It's gone on a bit too long, because I've never done that. Did you say any final words? Is there an ice pick coming through the wall? I don't really have final words, Andy. Phase one, phase one's over. Who knows? Phase three, I might be back again.

Right, we look forward to Phase three with interest. So thank you for listening, Bueglis, to the... Well, nearly, was it nearly nine years since we did the first episode? Yeah. And a lot of bullshit. A lot of bullshit. Yes, I think about 200 And, uh, It's a lot bullshit. A lot. A lot of bullshit. Yes, I think about 200 hours in total, if you played it all.

Not quite so much in the last year or so, as you said. Two hours. How much of that 200 hours do you think you could honestly call valuable content? Oh, I mean, only, only 190 or so, OK? Yeah. I mean, there's, you know's 5% of it's been tangents. Rest, you know, bang on the bin. You're right. To be fair, you've been laser-focused for about that time.

So that's it, Puglas. Goodbye, John. Well, all I'm hoping to tour America in New Autumn. I'll see you in New York. Yeah. But just one more'll see you in New Orleans. But just one more thing before you go, John. Yes. You're fired.

Oh, shit! Got him! Bye. Bye. you