The Bugle - Viruses are Marvel (4229)

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

Andy is with Alice Fraser and Ria Lina to look on in horror at Republican womb botherers, more political parties, and the Vatican's attempt to be fungible.Be the best Bugler...Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserRia LinaAnd produced by Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bughlers, and welcome to issue 4,229 of the Bughal Audio newspaper for a visual world, a show that is available to you for $195 million less than the going right for

a picture of Marilyn Monroe after a day on the beach without Suncrimon. It's one of the great bargains at this episode of the Bughal, and it's also absolutely guaranteed to keep its value. I am Andy Salzman. I should point out that if you want to buy me rather than just listen to the show, that will cost you $195 million. I know what I'm worth. For the first time in 4,043 years, it is the 10th of May 2022. And I am joined this week, representing the entire southern hemisphere and the strange philosophy and the strange philosophy of having half a globe which is 80% covered with

non-potable water too much if you ask me. From Australia, it's Alice Fraser. Hello Alice. Hello, Bugle, speaking of knowing what you're worth, there was once a thing when I was at University there was a website that you could figure out how much you'd go for on the slave market Like the modern slavery There's sort of that's a thing and you could figure out how much you would go for And I don't know why someone sent it to me But I have at that point I knew how much I was worth But I got some aged out of my value at that point

Also I was always good to know these things and aged out of my value of that coin. Also, I still was good to know these things. I wonder if they were just trying to trick you into selling yourself? It's quite a part of those. I must have been... I was lucky enough to be a student in the pre-internet days, or at least pre-anyone having access to the internet day, so luckily we weren't able to put slap-priced tags on ourselves for hypothetical slave market. So I also, I just, I don't know why the person sent it to me and I don't know what they were trying to suggest.

Well, yeah, it's probably best you don't find out. Also joining us for the first time on the bugle, someone has been one of my favourite guests on the news quiz since I started hosting it. And as far as I'm aware, the first bugle co-host with a doctorate in virology. Welcome to Realina. Hello, Rea. It's lovely to have you on the show. Thank you so much. You know, I only got that doctorate to up my value in the slave market. Very, very well timed with hindsight as well. I mean, the crafty little shit's virus, is it not? I mean, after studying them, do you have a grudging respect for the virus? Okay, this is really going to pay to picture. I went into verology, I found them fascinating

as a teenager. They kept saying, what's your favorite animal? I was like, viruses. I think they're amazing. I think that the most amazing, non-life, but non-life things on the planet. They're the only life, but non-life things on the planet. They're the only life, but non-life things on the planet, as well, which does put them first in their category. Right. Anyway, but they're actually... Metal to metal. They are crafty, they are amazing, they evolve, but they don't eat, but they reproduce, but they don't breathe. I think they're...

Right. I don't understand why more people don't find them fascinating. Well, I guess it's that can be rude, can't I? It's a mannest thing. Don't you know, viruses, you know, tend- If bacteria don't say please, or thank you either. Yeah, well, I'm not a big fan of that. Me, that's a me honest. Yeah, but you gotta be.

I mean, we live with so many of them. I mean, I've just found out that there's a polarized argument between bacteria and viruses. Do I have to pick one side? Is this like DC versus Marvel? It is. It is. And viruses are definitely Marvel. Wait, wait, wait, wait, pretty the recent surge of Marvel movies Marvel or post the recent surge of Marvel movies. Because if we're looking at like comic book, you know, we're not going to have this discussion. Anyway, it's great to have you on the bugle, Rhea. We are recording on the 10th of May,

as I said, 2022, the 60th birthday of the incredible Hulk who first appeared in May 1962. And now, according to an interview this week to Mark, the occasion in the New Yorker, admits to quotes, regretting the way I behaved at times in my career. He also feels he's been quotes a poor role model for generations of fans who looked up to him and wishes that he'd embraced the ancient philosophical doctrine of stoicism in his youth rather than resorting to hulkism. Also shares his battle with joint pain and other health issues arising from his excessively muscular physique. Interestingly his birth name, not the incredible Hulk, his birth name was Ian Christopher Edmund Blendsbury Hulk of its shortened to Ian Craddable Hulk.

Not as many people think Robert Bruce Banner, there was a confusion because he did actually have a poster of the 14th century Scottish King Robert Bruce in his bedroom as a child. On the 12th of May this week, on the 12th of May this week, happy birthday to Florence Nightingale. Flo Night is 202 years young this week. She famously nursed the absolute arse out of the 19th century. Still single according to reports. Has she really had it going on in the 1850s?

It's being a revolution in the art of battlefield nursing. Still. She probably should have tried online dating or something. Yes. There's an app for nurses, it's called Tender. That's a strong start, Rhea. You brought a pun to your first few minutes on the bugle. You'll fit right in.

As always, a section of this esteemed audio newspaper is going straight in the bin this week. A home improvement section to mark the impending Jubilee here in Britain, which we celebrate Queen Elizabeth II, setting a 70-year record for staying in one job. She's the longest, anyone's had one job without at any point in thinking, I reckon I've done this enough, I want to try something different. But we, to mark this occasion... Poor Tyree. Yes, I think, yeah, but that said, Rhea. I mean, she's 96 now, still monarchs the shit out of stuff on a daily basis. And, you know, economically, most of our economic problems are caused by the excess cost of pensions and more and more people living to pensionable age, of people like you playing around with viruses making them less nasty and

And The Queen is setting a great example by never retiring if everyone like the Queen just does their job until they're at least 96 then would save An infinite amount of money. So have you seen the lineup for this Jubilee situation? Because I'm going to be in in London for this oh Is that why you're coming back? I didn't know that is Because I'm going to be in London for this. Oh, I don't know. Is that why you're coming back? I don't know. Are you happy? No, that is not why. I'm going to be in London again. This is happening. Oh, exactly. It's like, it's completely deranged. This party, you know, there's all giant 18-foot statues

representing British reserve being puppeteered by 83 left-handed children from Cornwall. There's a, genuinely, there's a fleet of elderly people in mobility scooters dressed as flamingos. What? That must be very triggering for you Alice. It's deeply triggering. Right. Yes, well they haven't consulted me on the artistic design for this ceremony for whatever reason. But I said I mean I imagine the queen designed it herself didn't she? You think you have a big big moment like this? She described a fever dream that she had upon eating too much cheese and they thought let's bring this to life. Yeah it's her Jubilee she's gonna cry she wants to. I think it's nice that she's showing us that that

inside you know that side of herself. Yeah, I'm for too long, we just don't know. She's in her loved bright colors, I think the flamingos fit right in there. Maybe she's going to come out and be one of the flamingos. I mean, you know, I've seen her in that color. I've definitely seen her in Flamingo pink. Yes. Oh yeah, right.

And she have a drunk boiling water water like a flamingo What sorry There for the mingos can drink boiling water. It's one of their many horrifying traits Also, I want to know who tried feeding of the mingos. I don't want to know. Okay, let's move on Do you mean boiling water or just a nice cup of tea? Boiling water. Oh, she can drink the shit out of a cup of tea. You know, well, absolutely I'm sorry. Can I say that one? What shit? You're all tea, yes, not either of those as five. Okay, no, just because I was listening to another episode and you called it Family Friendly and then I went, oh, oh, three of them. There are families, there are families, really.

Royal Family Friendly, is that our level? Mafia family friendly, I think. Okay, understood. And did you say family friendly then allows me to not cut out the reference to something particularly, particularly sexual, the Alice or Tip Ben says, and I'm allowed to keep in the edit with that disclaimer. Oh, okay, that's all we have to do is just say this is family friendly and then... Yep, yep, just, yep., well let's talk about Prince Andrew then That's a very friendly family and not yes over friendly

I would argue I see your point about how by not retiring she's saving us on pension But I would argue that by having so many children that live off the state that she also It's probably going to balance out. You only need one. You just need one. When you're queen, you just need one offspring. Speaking of having too many children, I think that brings us to our first story, Andy. Oh, well, I haven't finished the section in the binya, Alice.

He has more to look, Alice. Could you people let me do my job? Home improvement section. We look at how you can make subtle changes to where you live, to be more like a medieval themed monarch. For example, by converting your two bedroom apartment into a 75 room palace, albeit a 75 room palace in which all of the rooms are 1 meter squared. Also, we tell you how to make a one meter

square room feel like a grand bank waiting hall. It's amazing what you can do with mirrors in terms of the feeling of space and the key is to have really really small bits of food to make everything else seem massive. Also we ask how many rooms is too many rooms, kind of a related issue, and where to put your ceremonial balcony. Because so few of us these days give something back to our local communities by waving at everyone on a daily basis. But you could be waving at your public every morning for a little more than the cost of a couple of wooden pallets and some reasonably strong rope. Also, we tell you how to build a surprise moat for your 12 floor flat without annoying the people who live on the floor below. Or your landlord and we give you guidance

on how much of your home you should open to the public. That section in the bin. Top story this week. Wounds in America. America, there are now six in one combo of global super power, introspective loner, fading dream, beacon of hope, cautionary tale and source of eternal battlements. As once again, being at log-a-heads with its fiercest, oldest enemy itself, can there ever truly be a winner? It seems not. The ongoing battle in the USA over who should control the nation's wombs, whether it should be the people who have them inside their bodies, or Republican lawmakers and the religion lobby. No closer to a lasting resolution, a draft Supreme Court ruling was leaked

last week, a suggestion that Roe vs Wade, the landmark 1973 court ruling which guaranteed the right to abortion and establish a controversial theory that a woman owns her own womb, could be overturned. Now, we are in the year 2022. It seems that much of American history in the last few years does seem to be an effort, not just to blast it back into the 20th century, but ideally from the point of view of many that people doing the driving to blast it way beyond that. Alice, how do you see this story,

what it means for modern America and humanity in general? I mean, this is a needlessly contentious thing right out of the gate. We all know it's better to row than way because you don't get your feet wet. But I think this leaked draft ruling is just another nail in the coffin of the American people's trust in their institution. A coffin that is really starting to look like more nail than coffin. The coffin to nail ratio is way off. It's a bit of nails. More than anything or given that it's a coffin, a dead of nails. A lot of the debate about this leaked opinion, particularly on the right, seems to be about who leaked it and why, the fact that someone inside the courts, a small gang of loving friends, decided to leak this thing.

It's being expressed by the court and on this scotus blog, as they tweeted out on Monday night, the gravest, most unforgivable sin was leaking this draft ruling, which is going to be upsetting to both the people who believe that abortion is the gravest most unforgivable sin, and the people who think banning abortion is the gravest most unforgivable sin from such little leaks, such great problem spring, which should be the motto for the entire abortion debate if you ask me.

I mean it's interesting with the leaks, so much is leaked now. We are on course by the year 2076, everything that has ever going to happen anywhere in the universe will have already been leaked, and we will know the future everything everything and then we can just concentrate on watching videos of cats playing with cucumbers. I know that we're trying to keep this light but it is really, really scary what's happening over there that we've gotten to a point where A, the checks and balances because the American government is famously checked and balanced, doesn't it, between the executive, the judicial and the third one. I think that's the TV channels, isn't it?

It's Fox News, that's right. And the problem is that the executive, well, the executive is the president, and then you've got the houses, and then you've got the judicial, which is the Supreme Court. And the checks and balances don't seem to be working because we've gotten to a place where the Supreme Court can make decisions based on their opinions, which is a very recent development that we're now looking at judges and going, oh, but they're right leaning and they're left leaning and that's going to affect their judgment. They're supposed to be making judgments based on the law, which is what Roe v. Wade was

in the first place, was a judgment based on law that some of the laws across multiple states were interfering with citizens' constitutional rights. And now we've got to a point where they're going, well, not about the Constitution, it's about what I think and it's about what I feel. And I think what we need to do is just ban opinions and feelings and get back to what law is and law is an unfeeling bitch. What people have forgotten in all of this. I think that's what the Latin motto means if you translate it correctly. I think the problem with the checks and balances, Rios, there's too many checks, not enough balances.

That was a joke about money. Don't lie me, I'm just going to, just for a minute, I'm just going to put the bore into the abortion debate to talk about the legal process, which is that the leaking ruling, as far as I've read it, is correct in that row against Wade originally, was ill judged. It was handed down back in 1973 and it's still on the legal principle of a right to privacy that they sort of found by fingering the constitution, which seems to be how they find most of their rights. They draw our attention to what I think is technically called America's Weird Religious

Thing about their own original piece of paper. This is the problem. All of their laws refer back to this thing that was written ages ago, and you have to update your piece of paper. Otherwise, you look like that comedian who's held onto a headshot for too long, and then you shot at the gig, and people are like, oh, you must be the comedian's dad, but you're the comedian. The decision in row against Wade has polarized the country, it politicized the court, and the only thing worse than making a dodgy precedent is taking a 50-year-old dodgy precedent that's

been repeatedly affirmed into law and then completely flipping the table on it. You cannot go back to every dumb shit thing you did as a country and start picking away at it. That is a loose thread on a very big jumper indeed. And ends up with the everyone suddenly having to do something about the fact that we all know now that you can't just show up somewhere with a flag. I think the thing about finding, you know, fingering the Constitution of finding that privacy law in the 14th amendment is that we have found it and it is held for other rights to privacy. And if anything, you know, the Republicans call them so, you know, they want to be the

party of minimal interference. They're the ones that want, you know, I get to hold guns in my house if I want to. I get to do whatever I want on my land. If that means I, if someone's on my land and I kill them, that should be my right as a landowner. Like, they're very, very clear on their individual rights. So it's crazy that in this one instance, they feel, well, one instance. I mean, it's all women, isn't it?

So it speaks to an embedded sexism and misogyny that they haven't been able to move past yet as a nation that they feel that they have a right in this one instance to control it, because we don't control men's bodies in any way, the same way. But this privacy issue and the 14th Amendment upholds for so many other things.

We've even put homeschooling. We've even gotten to a point where they go, no, no, you have the right to homeschool, if you want, all those children that we're forcing you to have. But you can raise them as you wish, but you have to have them. I find it fascinating that we have this principle. I think it runs generally through most of our interactions with one another as people in the world, which is that you're not allowed to use somebody else's body

parts if they don't want them to. Like, even if you're dead, they cannot force you to donate your organs, even if it will save someone's life. Even if you hit that person with the cart, even if you believe that life begins a conception, you can't make someone keep someone else alive. That's not with your body. That's, you can't make somebody use their body to keep someone else alive. That's just a principle that holds true in every other instrument, including after your dead, unless it's to do with pregnancy, which I feel

is illogical. Yes, what I mean, the news is described as a disaster setback for women's rights and reproductive freedom, but the so-called pro-life campaigners celebrate the news, hoping it will enable more and more people to eventually having been born have the opportunity to enjoy the freedom of being gunned down by a stranger. So, it's a kind of weird balancing act, I guess, in America, the Supreme Court also,

and we've touched on this bearish times through the history of this esteemed newscast. It's part elite legal body, part political plaything that leaves Americans and their lives at the Wims of Long Departed Presidents. And at the moment with a 6-3 conservative majority, as you say, it's become much more of an opinionated thing, I guess, the legacy of just as you say, it's become much more of an opinionated thing areas, I guess the legacy of a the Trump junta and be the comically and be the cosmically insane system, which presidents can appoint Supreme Court justices for life for their own political ends. I believe this has now been confirmed as the stupidest fucking way to staff a Supreme

Court that anyone could possibly concoct, well unto America as so often for finding the stupidest way to do something. I mean, to outside eyes, allowing presidents to appoint judges to wield vast influence for the rest of their lives is very, very silly, but that's only because it is. And it's also a bit odd in a country which is we Brits know only too well from our slightly awkward little hoo-ha in the late 18th century. They made a real song and dance about being ruled by someone who was allowed to wield vast influence for the rest of his life. So there's an element of hypocrisy even within the logic of America.

Even in Mississippi where the dobs versus Jackson Women's Health Organization case is going on, which is what kick started off this whole look at Roe v. Wade again. Even in Mississippi they're saying, okay, what we're going to do because you need to prepare for it. If you're going to suddenly ban abortion and you're going to have more children being born, you need to do something about that. Either improve sex education so that fewer unwanted pregnancies are happening, improve access to contraception or, and this is what they're doing in Mississippi, he's saying, well, we're going to look at improving the foster care system and the adoption system.

And you just go, but what you're doing is you're going to have a whole bunch of kids that are going to go, why was my childhood so awful? And they'll be like, because you were forced to be made by someone who didn't want you, by the government, they're not voting for you in 21 years. Are they? Yes. You're basically forcing a country to grow more Democrats. That's what this is doing.

What are you in those terms? Is the only way that I think might convince Republicans the area for a way? It is a disastrous policy. That's right. Are there other questions that, you know, if you are pro-life and pro-guns, should you arm your feet as with an in-u to row firearm? Should logically, if this is passed, should all medical procedures be banned as contrary to the will of God?

Should sperms have the vote? Will America ever be pro-life once it's out of the womb? And what parts of other people's internal organs should also be other people's business? Will it stop at wombs? How about lungs? Is or even socks? Can I make a suggestion? Yes. Penises. If they're going to... I would love... I would love the right to control other people's penises. And I think that actually this could solve the problem. You know, this is my compromise.

If they want to control my body and my womb fine, but I get to control you and your penis. Okay. Like what like Mickey Mouse in the sorcerer's apprentice dance in Fantasia. The he does with the broomsticks. Only if I'm high, if I'm honest. But generally in the morning when I'm still quite sober,

I would say things like, you know, all right, no more little blue pills. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I'm sorry. Maybe I would suggest maybe we could give every young man a vasectomy and we'll reverse it when he proves that he can be responsible with it. Do I even say, I spent, I went to a for, you know that trip you do in your 11 or 12 and you go away for a week with your school and we went to a farm and they, for whatever reason, take the tails off of lambs and they do it by slowly restricting the blood flow

to it with a little elastic band. We could do that for the balls. And just sort of go, well, you better, you better evolve quick, if you wanna keep them, is that band ain't getting any looser? You know, I'm just saying, I don't, maybe this could, we could work with this. We will allow our bodies to be controlled,

but in exchange we get to make unilateral decisions about, about men's. All right, that seems, it seems entirely fast, what, from my point of view. I've got the rubber bands right here. I mean, on the bright side with the government sort of accelerating this process of a mistrust in the institution, at least we can turn to our capitalist overlords to look after us. It's accelerating the process of us all forming into weird clans with loyalty to Nestle or Disney or Amazon.

Because a bunch of American companies are now volunteering to pay for their employees to go into state to get abortions, depending on which state they're in. So a bunch of companies, particularly, have based themselves in Texas because the tax laws there are more favorable than California where they all used to be. So now there is a way of keeping their female employees around or offering abortion care services up to,

I think Amazon is doing up to $4,000 and various other people are offering various incentives to their employees to ship them out of town, which used to be the job of a generous uncle, I think. But there has been a global shortage of generous uncles since around the 1880s, I think. No, they all went pervy in the 1920s, didn't they? They need a rebrand. Uncles, if anything, could definitely do with the rebrand. But I find it really funny, if not ironic, that Amazon was offering this. Hey, any company that's still in Texas

and disagrees with that law needs to maybe put their money where their mouth is and move in my opinion. You just think, leave. Why are you offering to help your employees access what is their constitutional right to access by staying in a state where they can access it? Just where they can access it first of all. But second of all, Amazon, you don't even let your employees have a bathroom break. But now you're going to...

They're going to have to pee on the stick in a bottle and then you'll see them. And then just to prove it. So, hey, I don't know how they got pregnant in the first place. You don't give them enough time. But B, I feel like it's a little bit more of a PR exercise. And let's see if it actually comes to fruition. Yeah. I mean, also on that point of, you know, when life begins and, you know, a bunch of non-sentient cells, that is still a much more advanced form of life than, for example, Tucker Carlson. So it gets into complex philosophical areas of, you know, when is life? Life.

I mean, he is some differentiated functions for the teeth. I've seen Tarotomas that could do better. Speaking of Bandasells and Teeth, here's Starmer. And use them tea illegally. British politics news now, and well, we're recovering from a bout of election fever in Britain, although it was only local elections in most of the UK, plus the Northern Ireland Assembly elections. So it's about a fever that most of us have managed to deal with, it's been fairly asymptomatic. Local councils were elected in England, Scotland,

and Wales, local elections for those unfamiliar with them around the world, British local elections are de facto midterm elections. People, it's a mixture of electing on you local representative, having a f***ing massive winj about everything, expressing your despair at the state of British democracy through the futile medium of writing X in a box next to the name of someone you've never heard of, and trying to get the f***ing potholes in your local road sorted out. And the results

were that the government did terribly, the opposition Labour Party did okay, but given that the government did terribly, you would have kind okay but given that the government did terribly you would have kind of expected more the Northern Ireland Assembly elections blasted further holes in the crumbling rusting hull of HMS United Kingdom as the Irish Nationalist Sinn Fein Party won the largest share of the vote. So further repercussions from the Brexit votes well are rumbling on regarding the Northern Ireland protocol, and the surprise discovery after Brexit of a land border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland, something that no one could possibly have known about before, because you cannot trust Max. Since when Labour has been under, well, consider it all precious, the Labour leader Kirstama

has announced that he will resign as leader if he is fined over a potential lockdown breach when he was filmed drinking a beer on the campaign trail last year during a lockdown. He's insisted that he did not break any laws. It's basically played a high-risk drop shot in a game of political ethics tennis by saying he's going to quit. Whereas Boris Johnson, of course, famously refused to quit after... Well, numerous breaches under his watch in Downing Street and basically everything that

he's ever done in his career. I mean, thank goodness for Neil Parrish, right? I mean, because someone had to go. And he was in the right place at the right time looking at the wrong tractor. So, I'm sure that was like, wasn't that a country song from the 1950s? It was. I, it was my mother has it on LP. You all listen to it. Wrong place, wrong time, right tractor. Then we said the drinking is bad for you, but they never told me why. They never said it was just about the political optics.

It's especially when you mainline it. I mean, Keir Starmer didn't have a choice. Well, first of all, this is what the Tories do. They point fingers elsewhere and go, but they're doing it. But they're doing it. And that's all they've done is they they found one picture of Keir Starmer, which was already looked into and found to be fine because it was in April 21. I think we were a little bit looser with mix, we weren't allowed to mix households except

if you were at work, if you recall, which is why Boris Johnson's nanny never stopped working. And so, so he's had to to he's had to make a choice he's either going to join boris and going i'm not of course i'm not going to quit for this uh... but then lose the ground and respect that he's just gained from this election or he can say will of course if they discover in two months or three months or whenever the police actually get around to passing down a judgment that I did something wrong of course I will quit and actually I'll become gonna be honest I got kind of excited I was just

like we might have a woman in opposition but then Angela went oh I'll quit too and I went oh for goodness sake Angela cross your legs and shut up I mean it does seem that's Keir Starmer's massive Achilles heel politically that he has, not he has a moral compass, and he, I mean, his pre-policy life, he was one of the countries leading criminal lawyers to the Director of Public Prosecutions, but not only does he have a sense of morality, but he also thinks naively that he needs to act on it, which is a charmingly retro attitude, politically but a potential fatal weakness, whereas Boris Johnson, well as the old saying goes, you can burst a balloon,

but you cannot burst a moldy sock in a bucket of sick. And if you do try to burst it, you're gonna end up with sick splashing all over your shoes. And that's essentially what the situation with John, that's why he's impregnable ethically, because as muddy water's famously said, you can't lose what you never had. No, it is true.

I mean, Boris is playing an amazing game of chess and he's just really backing care into a very moral corner, isn't he? Where, where Keir can, you know, has to be constantly keep his halo polished and he keeps him too busy to do other things like properly opposing. And you can Muddy waters is the technical term

for Boris Johnson's approach to politics. Yes, well also, if you compare it with chess. For parenthood. If you compare it with chess, I guess Boris Johnson's move was to get his cock out and slap a load of pieces off the chessboard. And then when Kierstarrer tried to move his pawn, three pieces instead of the maximum, two of his first move, everyone everyone said, oh you can't possibly cheat, that is cheating, that's

absolutely unacceptable. So you get this kind of slightly two-pace morality in politics that I think leaves Starmer kind of vulnerable. There was an interesting thing over the weekend that news emerged that before Boris Johnson gave us something of a car crash TV interview before the elections last week in which he was presented with the news that a 75 year old woman said that she spends her entire time sitting on buses during the day so she doesn't have to pay to heat her own house because she can't afford to and Boris Johnson to this by claiming credit for making bus travel free in a spectacular act of craftsmanship. Then it said, Murge, that he was ill and that he'd had before the interview, he had been sick on his own suit.

And that shows, because these stories don't come out of nowhere, it shows, you know, what his standing is, that by the leaking a story that he vomited all over himself, that was viewed as something to boost his public standing now. That's something to make him look better, was the fact that he just chundered all over himself. It makes him relatable, who among us has not vomited on the $3,000 suit? Oh my gosh. It explains why no one shakes his hand when he goes to the 20 meetings.

In other government moves to deal with the cost of living crisis, George Eustis, the Environment Minister, suggested that people save money by buying supermarket economy products rather than more expensive brands, which I imagine most people in that situation have already been doing a minister in the same way that two and a half million people have been making the very sensible money saving decision to use food banks rather than eat at Michelin Stard restaurants. I guess people reach these conclusions.

But I know what I've eaten at a Michelin Stard restaurant, those stars, it's not much to them. Do you know what I mean? They're just, they're just, they're a little bit dry, a little bit dry. I wouldn't recommend. The latest government advice to help people save money at this difficult time is that road kill can be surprisingly tasty. Singing songs can make you feel less hungry. Foraging is good. Most mushrooms are probably okay and squirrels are sleeping at this time of year so it's quite easy to steal the stash of nuts or just draw a picture of the queen on a bit of paper and Take it to a shop and pretend it's a 20-quid note. So a helpful advice from the government. I mean certainly setting your children up in a

Thunder dome against one another can help you drop your living costs. Yeah, probably make quite a lucrative YouTube stream as well Sorry, is that because they're doing it to the death? Yeah. And you're only coming home with one? Yes. Yeah. How's your food budget? I see.

OK. You could just alternate. No, I'm going to stop. Alternate your children. One week on, one week off. Yeah. Make them, you know, make them, you know, we give children too much unconditional love. I think it, and look what's happening now.

We're seeing an increase in narcissism. We're seeing it across social media. Maybe a little more conditional love. All right, you want to eat today? Do better. Web 3 News now. And the question has arisen, Alice. What the f*** is web 3? It's pronounced with 3. Two articles you suggested this week, both involved web 3. I don't know what the f*** it is. So can you please explain and then also explain

why the Pope and Starbucks have got involved in it? Well, Web 1 was very sort of linear and decentralized. And then Web 2 was non-linear and becoming quite centralized. But it still had kind of these nice things about it, like, you know, people being able to talk to each other and show each other pictures of their children if they wanted to, and then everything suddenly got sort of monetised and horrified. And then, where three came along, which is sort of like, do you remember second life?

Yes. But worse. It's like that, where everything is made of pretend money. It's a world that's made of pretend money basically and they're hoping that we'll step into it and lose our identities more than we have with Web2. Right. Deeply depressing. I think that the short answer is what is Web3 deeply depressing. Okay, I'm glad to know, I stand on it and the Pope, the professional pontiff hat fan, World's No. 1 rank Catholic and pioneering fashionista. He was

rocking the non-gendered androgynous fight way ahead of his time. He's got it got involved in this somehow. I mean, I've always felt that religion is too fungible. And the Catholic Church is stepping into the Web 3 game. So the idea of Web 3 was actually that it was meant to be decentralized, but the people who funded its initial burst of power, or people who were billionaires and companies. So the people who really believe in it are

the ones who own it now, which is to say corporations. And you know the Catholic Church is going to want to get its grubby little fingers into anything that even smells like money. I think probably this is not the first time the Catholic Church has tried to sell people something that doesn't exist. But... That was a scar on the securization Alice. I'm just guessing. But I think the problem here is that the announcement was going to be made and then the

post back down to the announcement because just when the announcement was about being made, all of the tech stock prices crashed horrifyingly because of various things including a loss of faith in imaginary stuff. Bad news for the Catholic Church. Bad news for the Catholic Church. So I think they are going to launch it with more confidence later down the line that the moment they're sort of squirreling around it. That it can has become that it can't. Ah, there we go. And it's, think of humanity 2.0. Yes, there is something worryingly know as arc about it. It's a matter of 2.0. Well, I mean, humanity 1.0, which of course began in the Bible,

and all its iterations up to the, I think we're currently on humanity 1.42C. And they've all been flawed, all the different iterations of humanity. So, I mean, 2.0 could be the reboot that our species needs, but I don't think the Catholic Church should be in charge of the rollout to be honest, because they've had a tendency to get some details wrong, such as, for example, massive institutional abuse scandals across the world setting people on fire and facilitating the spread of AIDS. So, I just feel that those little things they've got right means that maybe they're not

ready for the big things like this. Well, it's a nice idea. So basically, the idea is that the Catholic Church owns all of the art in the world because that was their jam for a long time. And so they wanted to make the art publicly accessible by being able to sell it twice first in the real world and then in the imaginary world their favorite thing is to sell something without losing the thing that they've just sold So they can sell you the stuff, but also keep it moah-ha-ha

That's that's a direct quote to moah-ha That other people will be able to experience it The problem I think is the optics are not just bad in the crash of the techno money, but it's being organized, this big sale of NFTs is being organized by Switzerland-based Metaverse company, which is called Sensorium, that is also founded by a successful Russian Oligarch. I just think the mixture of Russian Oigarchs and NFTs are maybe a little bit toxic right now for the Catholic Church and that is saying a lot. Starbucks meanwhile is planning its own NFT loyalty program. Can you have a non-fungible coffee? Is that possible? And does it still have caffeine in it?

That's... Hi. Do you have to buy the NFT from the Catholic Church in order to join the Starbucks Toys program? Because that's what I understand. It's that they're starting a loyalty program, but in order to join it, you have to own an NFT in order to get in. And I'm just wondering... And then, once you're're in it's like coffee

based fun. Nobody like I think the last thing that needs to go ethereal is coffee. If there's one thing that needs to stay down to coffee, it's coffee. That is a good point because I mean when I drink a coffee it's because I want to drink a coffee, be I need to drink a coffee C, if I don't drink a coffee I'll probably over sleep until about the year 2154 and D All of the above. I don't drink coffee to be part of a fucking global community Mmm of coffee drinkers. No, and also I like I drink Alice. Let me see. I drink coffee So I am alert enough to avoid communicating with anyone else. That is the whole point It is a vehicle towards being anti-social. Sorry, carry on. Even if you have an identity that is around coffee, like if you have an identity that is

a coffee-based identity, if you identify yourself as a coffee connoisseur, the last thing you're going to want to do is join the Starbucks coffee community. I know that we say, let's go for a coffee, but coffee's not actually the drink that one communes over tea. People you sit and you chat with tea. But when coffee is not a drink, I can't come straight out. You're welcome.

But it's true, like people who drink coffee don't have time to sit around and chat. They're getting things done. It's tea, where you sit and you sit in the moment and you enjoy it. Even people have coffee after a meal. That's because they're getting things done. It's tea, where you sit and you sit in the moment and you enjoy it. Even people have coffee after a meal, that's because they're going comatose and they need to wake up. That's what it's for. If you need any further proof that Ria is right there, what interval did Cricket bring in to make the

game the most civilized and greatest thing ever invented, the tea interval? Not the fucking coffee interval. Yeah, exactly. Tea. The tea form. Brady Brewer, who is a chief marketing officer for Starbucks, said, imagine acquiring nominative determinism at its finest. Thank you. Imagine acquiring a new digital collectible

from Starbucks, where that product also serves as your access pass to a global Starbucks community. One with engaging content experiences and collaboration all centered around coffee. Okay, Brady I'm doing that right now. I'm imagining it. It's fucking shit You know how you did five seconds last episode for people to tell you what they thought oh, yeah, you should do the same thing again on this Just a quick five say it won't and if they're all coffee drinkers. It won't take them more than four. Okay here we go. Here's your five seconds to tell Starbucks what you think about their new scheme.

Repping up now. Done. That was deafening. Well that brings us to the end of this week's Beagle on those exciting scientific breakthroughs. Rhea, it's been a delight having you on the show. Thanks so much for having me. Do you have anything you'd like to plug to our listeners? Please, please just find me on social media because I'd love, I'm in competition with someone to up my numbers, so I need more numbers.

I, you know, we've put numbers, so I need more numbers. I've been doing things like going on TV and they've been doing things like putting Reels out and getting a million hits and then 3,000 followers in the day. So, if anyone likes me and would like to follow me, that would be great. And generally, then I will let you know what other things are happening. Alice, other than, well, Tee with Alice that you mentioned and the gargle, of course, the bugles, such as the book. So you're not supposed to launch season two after 300 episodes

and then a six month break to have a baby. I will be launching season two of Tee with Alice. I'm also in Perth this week Friday and Saturday at the Regal Theatre and then I will be in London next month. So I'll be there in June, July, all over the place. I have some gigs up on my website and I'll do gigs. You just have to follow me online at a liturative on Twitter and Instagram. It's alight. T-E-R-E-T-I-V-E or patreon.com slash Alice Razor because I keep that up to date because it's got money in it.

It's all about the cold hard cash. Just to be clear, you you had that baby because you wanted that baby not because the government forced you to. Well it's part of a there's a program. It's a secret. I can't tell you about it. If I do, I have to kill you about it. But it's a baby in a laser. You can see my show Saturist for Higher at the Soho Theatre between now and the end of next week Monday, Tuesday, Friday and Saturday, this week as we record and next week until the 21st of May, do send your satirical request to saturize this at saturistforhier.com and the news quiz is currently on as well so you can listen to that through BBC Sounds.

That concludes this week's bugle. I do not have time to record lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers this week because I have to go and do my show at the Soho Theatre and write some jokes for it. But we will be launching next week our replacement for the lies scheme. So our premium level, so you no longer have the option to have a lie told about you, we will get through the backlog of lies, of people who have subscribed already and are owed a lie, but we will have details of the new voluntary subscription reward scheme in next week's bugle, the show is event of the Millennium so far. The equally labour intensive and heart breaking for you Andy, because I promise I need you to deliver.

Yes, sure. Sure. Until next week, Bugle, good bye. you