The Bugle - Warships of the Caribbean - With John Oliver

Episode Date: October 29, 2025

This week, Andy is joined by special guest John Oliver for a very special reunion episode of The Bugle.🏛️ From the White House: The latest updates from the most powerful building in the world — still home to confusion, scandal, and policy made via impulse tweet.🎨 The Louvre Heist: Art! Intrigue! Security guards on lunch! We break down the most stylish theft of the year and ask the big question: if you steal art ironically, does it count?📻 Bugle Nostalgia: Andy and John take a stroll down Bugle memory lane, reminiscing about the early days of international nonsense, awkward satire, and moments that aged about as well as a banana in the sun.Expect high-brow theft, low-brow politics, and top-tier Bugle chemistry.Bugle Christmas Jumpers/Sweaters are now on sale - this is a one time thing: thebuglepodcast.comProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Supreme Court building is getting a fucking make-over this year. There is a non-zero chance that that place has a stripper pole and an all-you-can-eat buffet before the end of this calendar year. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,358. of the bugle the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world and this is a very special issue before we started

though a quick alert to our Australian listeners or indeed anyone who's going to be in Australia from late November to early January I am heading your way there will be live bugles in Brisbane on the 2nd of December with Alice Fraser and Melbourne on the 22nd of December with Lloyd Langford

also I'll be doing my stand-up show the Zoltgeist special Australia edition in Perth on the 26th in November, Brisbane on the 3rd of December, Adelaide on the 14th, Melbourne on the 23rd of December and Sydney on the 2nd of January. I then have UK dates from the 31st of January through to May. A fully updated version of the Zaltgeist entitled The Zaltgeist, a second thwack. All details on my website, andesaltman.com.com. But now, well, almost now, to this week's bugle. After this message from our sponsors, who are the Bugle podcast, there are official limited

edition Christmas jumpers, stroke sweaters, delete according to preference. Now on sale via the website they are very limited edition. When this batch is gone, they will be gone for all time. So to improve your Christmas, stroke Danica, stroke Kwanzaa, stroke December festivitatus, go to the buglepodcast.com and buy yourself the ultimate in a time-tense fashion accessory of the year. But now, and I really mean it this time, to issue 4,358 of the bugle, I promise you something special and it does not get more special than this. If you like A, the bugle, B, the passage of time, C, the number 18, and D, a live show

featuring via trans-oceanic video call, a true blast from the Bugles long past. This is taken from the first half of the Bougal's 18th birthday live, live stream show live, on Sunday the 26th of October at the Leicester Square Theatre in London. Please welcome to the stage, Andy Gottberg! Hello, Bueglars!

Welcome to the Bugle 18th birthday live stream live here live from London's glamorous London district. We are... I'm fine. How are you? Are you ready for whatever slightly ramshackle collection of things and technological glitches take place over the next couple of hours? Give me an X. V!

Give me an I! Give me another eye! Give me one final eye! What have you got? Very good. You've done very well-trained crowds. Without further adjourned, a man who needs no introduction

but who is going to get an introduction nonetheless someone who is currently lagging over 350 episodes behind all-time leader Andy Zaltzman in the highly prestigious most episodes of the bugle co-hosted stumbling slowly

towards 300 it's a man who cannot open his toilet door these days without tripping over a f***ing Emmy statue but who crucially has never once been nominated as sports data journalist of the year. So who's the fucking winner here?

Let's call it one all. A survivor of the love guru and Smurfs 2. The man best known as the guy who used to do a podcast with Andy's Altman all the way from his well-earned exile in New York City. It's the one and only

actually that's probably quite a few of them. John Oliver! Hello, fingers crossed. There he is. There he is. There we go. Judas, thank you very much. Yeah, people hated it when you went to electric, John. Welcome to your first ever live bugle. Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers. This brings back so many memories. I remember distinctly the day the bugle was born so clearly born, kicking and screaming right into the loving arms of Rupert Murdoch's Times newspaper. And only when we realized that Rupert was probably going to be an unfit co-parent and not tolerant of the bugles of tantrums did we decide to bust out and raise it on our own.

And here we are. Things have changed so much, Andy, in the last 18 years. 18 years ago, I barely knew what a podcast was. And now it seems all presidential candidates have to go on at least 20 of them to be taken seriously. The Rok to the White House currently runs right through

Joe Rogan. And you have to sit there while he promotes athletic greens. Is that a good thing? I don't think so, but it's the world we live in now. Andy, this year, Benjamin Netanyahu went on the Nelk Boys podcast. He went on the... He was interviewed by the Nelke Boys, and at one point they said to Netanyahu,

you like... I quote, you like Burger King over McDonald's, that's your worst take. It's not his worst take, Andy. Podcasts have officially got out of hand now, And I think you are partly responsible for that. So, John, I mean, you did eight years, almost 300 episodes of the bugle. Then you had to stop doing it in 2015. And no one knows why.

The rumours I've heard, one is that you had to settle down and get a regular 9 to 5 gig. Two is that you wanted to try and make it as a professional line dancer. And the other was that you insisted on being 10% louder than me in the bugle. And Chris said no. Can you confirm why it was that you left or not? Well, Andy, you know, I just wanted to see you spread your wings and fly, you know, like a bird right into a windmill. That's what I wanted.

In terms of, you know, how your decision to leave the bugle has worked out for the world, John, since you left in 2015, John, Donald Trump has won, not one, not three, but two presidential elections. He would dispute that, Andy. He would say he won't. You think you're right. Brexit happened. Boris Johnson.

God rest his soul. If it is ever located. He briefly became Prime Minister. There are more wars around the world than I've had hot dinners today, which is quite a lot of hot dinners, to be honest. The pangs of guilt must be a daily burden for you, John. Well, I just don't think that cause effect stands up, Andy.

I have to believe that, you know, a butterfly didn't beat its wings and then Brexit happened and then Trump turned the world upside. And I will say, I don't like the tone of your voice, Andy. America is still the greatest country in the world. It is still a shining city on a hill, even if it is on fire. You can still shine when you're on fire. This is the shining, smoking city on a hill. I've got a note here for my research

Did you just get back from the Riyadh comedy festival Or couldn't I couldn't Oh you know Andy's very important to bring jokes To the Saudi Royal Family I think all comedians are nothing funnier Than taking Saudi Royal Family money at the end of the day It's the long game

They just haven't got to the big punch line yet so well for our sort of anniversary this we'll like this about 18 18 years the bugle is 80 can you believe the bugle is 18 John the bugle is now old enough to vote

legally it's long since been old enough to vote if it gave you shit old enough to buy a drink legally or an America to buy a drink legally if it's got fake ID old enough to drive a submarine into an aquarium and release all the turtles

old enough to become an unlicensed vicar and march on Rome to declare itself the one true Pope I mean these are exciting times for the bugle John old enough to buy enough firearms to start a well-regulated militia in any standard grocery store in the USA and old enough to do an 18th birthday special without people saying it's a bit early to be doing that isn't it so we've made it to...

Isn't it old enough to get a tattoo as well Andy and to be criminally tried as an adult. Well, too late for the first one, and fingers crossed on the second. As always, buglers, one section of this audio newspaper is going, where? Inns or he! I can't hear you, it's going where?

I think I could hear you the first time, too. Andy, you're like a 1980s game show host without the second. So I always dreamed of being. John. Not that kind. Family show. I don't usually have to say that to the audience.

Usually have to say that to one of our guests who's joining us later. So, so for our section, we're going to compare 2007, the year the bugle started with 2024. I mean, do you think the world's improved since 2007 or got worse, John?

In what way? It depends what you think the word improved means. You think in the traditional sense, sure, it's got worse, but, you know, if you're a fan of really steering into the skid, the world has definitely done that, hasn't it? What about, what about you, give us a cheer if you think things have got better? Yay! Oh, God. Oh, no.

Right. Well, I think, one thing that has got better is pessimism, which I think is just so much. It's more effective. It's proved right so much. It's stats, John, off the scale. Pessimism these days. Well, statistics, as we know, I like a comedian who's just done

the Riyadh Comedy Festival. If you treat them right, I'll say whatever the fuck you want. But if we look back to 2007, historically, it was a simpler planet in 2007. People live simple, happy lives, eating simple, happy foods, hunting with simple, happy flint-tipped spears.

The boredom was interrupted only by the odd family day out to go to your local henge to see if it was midsummer or not and maybe look at some amusingly shaped sticks or laugh at how overgrown granddad's burial mound had got or in other parts of the world build a massive fucking pyramid to make sure the dead stayed dead or arcing... Oh sorry, I've done B-C instead of 80. We better move on.

We've got some birthday messages to the bugle, John. Okay. Yep. Happy birthday bugle. Can't believe it's 18 years already. Mind you, time does fly. If like me, you've been dead since the year 1910. You guys are true pioneers of audio newspapers for visual worlds,

like I was, of battlefield nursing back in the... Andy, thanks for the flowers. Oh, shit. Sorry about the mix-up ray dinner. Maybe another time if I ever managed to nurse myself back to life. Love from Florence My wife is in this show Another birthday message John

Well done on lasting longer than I did If you ever find yourself having a metal rod shoved up You'll know it's time to quit Guess I kind of deserved it, love from Colonel M. Gaddafi aka the human lollipop and um and um and um

and and you're soon Andy and uh and uh this congrats dudes as one of your

um OG listeners I think of the bugle as the greatest legacy of my 23 decades controlling global news media well done and thanks for sending me

all that virgin blood to keep me alive for all eternity lots of love uncle rupert so um um actually the joke's on him is not actually virgin's blood it's supermarket tomato ketchup mixed with water mixed with water from the thames but amazingly it works exactly the same would you believe it so so anyway that section is in the bin top story this week white house down um um John, I know White House Down is one of the few films you've not appeared in. But I mean, what a time for America.

The White House, the symbol of American independence, democracy, and power has been brutally attacked. Some are proclaiming it to be an inside job, possibly going right to the very top. You've been Britain's foremost shallow cover secret service agent in the US since 2006. this brutal assault taking down one of America's most treasured buildings must have spread fear into the hearts of all true Americans such as yourself, John. Yeah, I mean, if I may quote

the words of Miley Cyrus, Andy, and I think I may. Trump's coming like a wrecking ball. The East Wing has completely gone. All he wanted was to break some walls. And he's gone and fucking wrecked it. Andy Donald Trump Don't encourage him

Do not encourage him You are enabling this Andy Donald Trump and these many things A businessman A TV host A felon And a guest actor

In many shows Including and this is true Suddenly Susan And the Fresh Prince of Bel Air I think He was the only president To appear in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Other than Jimmy Carter

Who if I remember right once asked Ashley Banks, played by Taty Aunt Ali, to the school dance, only to get a fight with Geoffrey the butler. I could be misremembering that. So I don't think I am. He's also famously a two-time president and a builder, and it's those last two jobs that really came together this week when he demolished the entire East Wing of the White House.

It's still an incredible sentence to say out loud. It doesn't feel real, even though the East Wing of the White House is literally gone. The White House, Andy, is 80% of the White House. rubble right now. And I'll be honest, I generally don't love my metaphors being quite this on the nose. It's not ideal when the White House itself literally takes on the appearance of a lazy political cartoon. But here we are. Now, there are many things that are infuriating about this to me, Andy, including the fact that Trump had promised that this new ballroom would not involve

demolishing the east wing of the White House at all, saying, and I quote, it'll be near it, but not touching it, though in his defence, Andy, promising not to touch something but doing it anyway, has famously never been more of his stomp. Have you heard of Donald Trump? For those who've not heard of him, 10-time American Division Munger of the Year, performative, selective peace fan,

intermittent ethnic cleansing advocate, close personal friend of America's leading sex offender, convicted criminal and ruiner of five reasons why Grover Cleveland is unique lists. Here's the self-starred Mary Curie of mayheming the Constitution, the Rosalind Franklin of rancorous fear-mongering, the Ada Lovelace of aiming low, and the Virginia Woolf of vengeful winging,

if they had all been A, men, and B, not massive he-hast. So, but I guess, John, I guess John, as the old saying goes, in plutocrat building chat, planning permission, schmlanning smithemission. I mean, is Trump not just finishing what, Britain tried to start in 1814 when we heroically tried to do the decent thing and burn it to the ground. Yeah, well, that's the point, isn't it?

Like, there has been, there have been, to be fair, renovations at the White House before. Teddy Roosevelt built the West Wing, Taft put in the Oval Office, Kennedy put in the Rose Garden, Nixon put in the press room on top of FDR swimming pool and built a bowling alley. Obama put in a basketball court. And as you say, the British arguably tried to make the biggest design choice possible, but we attempted to burn the thing down. in 1814, but when it comes to demolition, Trump's running a pretty close second to the red coats.

And he's been insisting that absolutely everybody wants this ballroom, which is usually the kind of thing he says when absolutely nobody but him wants something. He said, and I quote Andy, they've wanted a ballroom at the White House for more than 150 years, but there's never been a president that was good at ballrooms. No what?

That might be true, Andy. Maybe there hasn't been a president that was, quote, good at ballrooms. But is that a quality you want or particularly need in a president? I think there's a reason that ballroom good at itness has not come up as a subject much during presidential debate. I cannot remember seeing someone say, my opponent is just straight up bad at ballrooms. He barely knows the difference between a ballroom and a banquet hall.

How can we trust him with running the country? There's a re-s-room. There's a reason, Andy. Ballroom efficacy is not a recurrent theme in attack ads. Kamala Harris, bad a ballroom's bad for America. And that's because no one gives a f*** about ballrooms, Andy, apart from people who like ballrooms, and those people are all assholes, all of you.

So, I mean, in terms of, you know, what the ballroom would look like and obviously you know I mean in terms of demolishing the East Wing terrorists would have bitten their own arm off to pull off something like this but Trump has heroically preempted them so in some ways he's taking them out of the game quite effectively understated but classy

do you think we can rule that out for the new new ballroom? That's the thing it's not just the history that's been bulldozed it's what he's putting up in its place this ballroom is going to be fucking massive the main White House residence is 55,000 square feet.

This, I think this ballroom is set to be 90,000 square feet. The White House is literally going to be in its shadow, and it is monumentally tacky. The renderings of the inside of it look like a Liberace fever dream. It looks like something you expect to see an 18th century nobleman being dragged

out of towards a guillotine. It looks like what AI would shit out if you gave it the prompt Versailles but bad. What's the point of done? What's finally done, Annie? I want to see Kevin McLeod from Grand Designs, one of the nicest bet on TV.

It'll be the first person let him, because I want to see him, walk in, look around and say, what the fuck did you do to this place? It looks like a dictator's ice rink and not in a good way. Other details of the plan include that it's going to have plenty of shiny poles.

A casino urinal, so powerful men can play roulette mid-was and a golden statue of Trump himself in classic heroic pose clad in maga-branded armour, bravely watching on whilst Pete Hegsa feeds an immigrant-looking baby

to a crocodile. It's going to be, you know, some of what America has become since you moved there, John. I will say it's consistent with Trump's M.O. as a developer in New York where historically he would just smash things down first and then ask for permission later. It's also technically legal.

Under a nearly 60-year-old law, the White House, is exempt from a key historic preservation rule, though presidents have typically followed that rule anyway. But something being typical has never been much of a constraint for Trump. The very nicest thing you can say about him is that he isn't atypical human being. Now, Section 106, and I know you know this, Andy, of the National Historic Preservation Act, requires federal agencies to undergo a review process, including getting input from the public regarding the impact of any construction projects on historic properties. However, say it with me, Section 107 of that same act

exempts three buildings and their grounds from that process. The White House, the US Capitol and the US Supreme Court building. And you know what that means? The Supreme Court building is getting a fucking makeover this year. There is a non-zero charge of that place has a stripper pole and an all-you-can-eat buffet before the end of this calendar year. As you say, I mean, it's the biggest change to the White House since the rumoured sex dungeon

installed by Dwight D. Eisenhower in 1957. Shortly before a state visit by the young Queen Elizabeth II, that's entirely coincidental. Rumours of Eisenhower's sex dungeon have circulated it ever since the start of this sentence just a few seconds ago. But, I mean, it just seems clear, John, that... I'm just

I'm just getting worried about how close I was to that statement you just made, Andy. I'm wondering, I've separated myself geographically, but I think that might be litigable over here. It makes you think that the East Wing was just designed wrong. I think Trump would have left it alone, if only, it had been built in the shape of a civil war Confederate general's buttocks

or the testicles of a prominent slave owner. then I think he would have he would probably have left it as it was but I guess upon such slender threads in terms of you know I mean Trump is every week is busy in

in Trump land John and I think we're now around about the 10 year mark of what is the world's longest continuously running single tantrum which basically coincides with you stopping doing the bugle actually no blame

quite a lot of blame but in terms of what else is going on with Trump we had him raising tariffs on Canada because he got slightly annoyed

by a TV advert is this you know the future of all politics now just tantrum-based reactions to TV ads is that one of the only people

left on earth who actually watches ads on TV now is easiest way to speak to him. We tried to do it on last week tonight. Years ago, we hired this catheter cowboy to talk to him through the TV because it realized it's the only way you would actually have his attention. If you bought ad space on Fox News

between shows you knew he liked, we dressed the guy up like a cowboy, gave him a catheter, and then I think, I can't remember what we told him to do, not sign a bill or something. But yeah, it's the only way you can get through to him. I feel a bit sorry for Mark Carney the Canadian Prime Minister having to deal with Trump he's sort of got the expression

and the sort of body language of someone who's just been tasked with teaching the violin to an incontinent walrus and he said Canada will restart trade talks when Americans are ready and that sort of economic and political potty training is looking like it's going to take

possibly decades or maybe Trump's fifth, sixth term. Do we think maybe at that point we'll be, are we thinking too far ahead there, John? I mean, you say that like it's a joke, but you don't build a 90,000 square foot ballroom if you have any attention of leaving. That's the problem.

Then there's the warships in the Caribbean as paying himself $230 million worth of compensation. and, you know, his latest... I mean, in terms of the general state of America, John, how would you score America, let's say, out of 10 right now? Well, you know, Andy. It's a strong two. I will say warships of the Caribbean.

Warships of the Caribbean is a strong contender for Johnny Depp's next episode of that franchise. Johnny Depp, as a pirate, invading Venezuela. That is something I might actually see. Just some breaking news, actually. The White House has slammed the Billboard Latin Music Prize Committee for overlooking President Trump for artist of the year. A White House spokesperson said,

The President just sang a rousing and relatively tuneful rendition of I am what I am in the shower in a Mexican accent. And not awarding him artists of the year shows how woke and political the music industry has become. So, you know, it's hard. It's disappointing to see that. Do you have any shreds of optimism, John, for America, before we move on to our next story?

Um, well, you know, uh, no. No. I was going to try, you know, engineer something up there, But it's, you know, despair is the dominant flavor of America this year. Maybe next year things will turn around. America is very good at not acknowledging reality. So maybe they will dig themselves out of this hole. I certainly hope so.

Or just keep digging and emerge on the other side of the world. That's the thing, yeah, steer into the skid, exactly. Let's move on, Chris. There we go. France being France news now and, yes, it's the manoeuvre in the louvre. The... The, uh, an audacious heist,

there's such a strong correlation between heisting and audacity. The, uh, there it, there it is. Look at them go. I think this might be my favourite crime ever committed. And obviously, I don't want to trivialise the suffering of the members of the French royal family in the mid-19th century. We've seen their jewels so distressingly removed. But, I mean, it was a tremendous bit of work.

It lasted less than 10 minutes whilst the museum was open, involved a mechanical ladder, some fun-sized mini chainsaws, a couple of scooters and they pinched what are described by experts as some serious bling. The jewels have been kept just in case France ever sees the light

and reinstalled its monarchy and looking at what's happening to its current and recent past prime ministers at the moment that emphatically cannot be ruled out as something that may happen in the next week. John, you've long been the bugles

French arts and museums crime correspondent This is the story you've been waiting for. Andy, I would say, you know, when times are difficult, as they are now, as we've been talking about, it doesn't feel like collectively all we're being asked to play life on easy mode right now. Sometimes you do need a new story that's going to give you a bit of a lift. I'm not talking about someone turning 100 or a kid getting pulled out of a well-buyer.

That doesn't do it for me. I'm talking about an international jewellery heist, Andy. That is exactly what everyone needed right now. I'm going to go ahead and say that this was a very good thing to happen. I'm glad this might happen. No one got hurt if you don't count Windows as

people, and I personally don't. So, as far as I'm concerned, it's a net positive. Like you say, dressed in construction workers, in and out in seven minutes, motor scooters. If there wasn't a fake mustache involved, I think that was a shame. We needed this heist. What's not to like?

International crime syndicate operates in the Louvre. Jules are stolen. Fundamentally, the French are probably to blame. This ticks a lot of my bosses. And I'll say this, Addy, people there seem to like it, too. There was an American tourist I saw at the BBC. It was interviewed.

She said, and I quote, I think the heist made it exciting to go to the Louvre. I think later, we're going to try and find where people poke in and take a picture near it. What? Absolutely monumental f*** you to every other item inside the Louvre, Andy. To walk past the winged victory of Samothrace, a masterpiece of Greek sculpture to go and take a picture of something that isn't there anymore. Just put yourself, Andy, into the winged victory of Samothrace's shoes.

Normally, you're being walked past to see the Mona Lisa, a B plus da Vinci on its best day. But now, to be ignored. to see a broken window. I'm not sure you're technically art anymore. You're a geographic marker on a museum map to somewhere else. We mentioned the Mona Lisa.

Herself, a veteran of being stolen from the Louvre after she was whipped off the wall back in 1911. On hearing news of this latest heist, that Mona Lisa was reported to be looking concerned or was it disappointed? Or was it mildly amused by unsurprised or nonchalantly disinterested? It's so hard to tell.

But I mean, fortunately for far, I mean In terms of the lost jewellery, and obviously it's dear to the hearts of fans of the French post-revolution reinstituted monarchy that people generally forget about. But luckily for France, there are loads of jewellery shops in Paris. I guess it's one of the benefits of everyone having affairs all the time. So they should be able to restock quite easily.

And also the Louvre has got loads of other stuff. And you've mentioned just a couple of the famous bits. They've got over 500,000 objects in their collection, around about 35,000 on display. So I think we should give the Louvre credit, John, and say, well done. 99.998% of your stuff has not been stolen in Broad Daylight. Let's give them credit for that.

Also, for what it's worth, Andy, there's... This wasn't even the first time the Louvre's being robbed. The Mona Lisa was famously stolen in 2011. In 1976, King Charles X sword was stolen. I think the most recent robbery, was in 1998. The point is, robbing the Louvre is a proud French tradition.

The only way the thieves that stole those jewels could have done this in a more French way was if they pole vaulted up the window with a giant baguette, smoking a jiton cigarette while dressed like a sexually aggressive skunk. Now, I believe... I believe they have...

Didn't you once do a voiceover for a sexually aggressive skunk in a film? In a cartoon? Is that out yet? I forget. I think if I did, Disney would have recast it with a younger voice now. I believe they have, tragically, I think they have a couple of men in custody now, which is very disappointing. But my favourite suspect was a man who appeared in a single AP photograph

and immediately caught the attention of the internet. Do you have the photo there, Chris? Bring it up. Look at this man. Look. He's fucking man right now. Look, I don't know if you can look more like a jewel thief without having a bag of stolen jewels in your hands.

That is a man who walks into a designer boutique and head straight for the diamond swiper section. Look at the expression on that French policeman's face there. You can keep thinking, are you real? And he wasn't alone. Lots of people online claimed that he was AI, but the photographer apparently confirmed that the man was real. he was just a passerby

unconnected to the investigation no one has ever looked like that in human history if he didn't steal those diamonds he was on his way to steal some different ones so the heisters apparently they tend to go for jewellery because it can be broken up and sold rather than paintings and sculptures

which can't I mean it's be quite hard to try and fence that on the back, would you like two square inches of canvas with a small bit of an enigmatic smile on? No. How about one, a little bit with the one remaining ear of some bearded Dutch dude? Still, no. How about this little scrap

of miserable looking dark red paint? I just fucking Rothko, you fucking Philistine! Maybe I can interest you in this very finely sculpted todger. Or perhaps, I can even throw an extra bollicking as well. I can do it for two mil. So I guess that's why that's why jewellery is more vulnerable. Andy, I've always

I've always admired your ability and inclination to force-feed Rothko jokes to audiences. For Flagra, putting it right down their f*** croaks. Is he going to do his Rothko stuff, Mommy? Definitely didn't do it.

The Rothko stuff, not so much about the actual joke. It's more about the mood that it creates. No, obviously, John, I mean, obviously, John, I mean, you know, all the major art galleries of the world and museums of the world will be very concerned about stuff like this happening. In fact, a friend of mine, he was told by his

doctor. No, no, no, no, no, no. He was told... Whoa. He was told... It was told... It's a very moving story, actually, this, John. A friend of mine was told by his doctor

he had less than 100 years to live. And so, he wrote himself a bucket list and he wanted to visit every major art gallery museum in the world. In fact, I'd first encountered him, queuing up to get a ticket to one of the big galleries in New York. And he told me his plan and that he wanted me to go with him to all the galleries. And I said,

I said, let's take a moment to think about all this. We've only just met. I can tell he was upset. Oh, frick, he said. Anyway, I agree to go with him. So we came to London, and anyway, we're queuing up for the gallery in London, a couple of galleries. And he was talking to his French lady friend

about which of London's galleries to go to, the one with all the modern stuff, or the one with all the old Turner paintings. They decided to go to both after a very intense conversation, a real Tate Our Tate. his uh his uh his uh his uh his uh his uh his uh his uh his friend's recently acquired a pair of vintage antique cimitars uh he called uh madame two swords uh anyway he always dreamed of being an MP this guy John so whenever it came to anything like a vote this affected his language uh I said to him do you reckon people think London

has the best museums in the world and he said oh it's tough to call and it could go either way I reckon some people would veer towards I and others would veer and A. What time did you have to leave? Right, still quite a few to get through. Tell me, we had a snack where in the Cuthan Museum and then he brought this weird cured meat laced with ecstasy

made from the backside of a large horned deer which to improve the flavour spent its entire life sitting on a big French soft cheese. It was quite tasty though. the British moose e-ham Oh Oh Oh

You No No No Anyway so we then Anyway You don't get to say Anyway after a pun like that

Andrew So we We popped up to Oxford for our next museum We're not done There are fewer than ten left We popped up to Oxford for our next museum trip We had a chat on the way He actually might be interested in this

He wanted to know my friend Whether people called Joan were better than people called John And he decided to work it out with a kind of head to head Between famous Jones and famous John So he made a list of who he would put up against who So he said, I reckon you'd want armour trading To take on Malkovich You'd want of art

to go up against Oliver, but who would you pit rivers against? Oh, tough crowd. So anyway, we went to Paris and he dropped a trail of crumbs in case he got lost. I said, you're making a mess. He said, don't worry, someone louver up the mess. We went to a queue to another museum,

happened to be queuing up with a load of early 20th century rock bands, John, and he asked these rock bands to grade 1960s bands, but they were only allowed to give one band the top grade. It was interesting to see who they rated the highest, actually, Queens of the Stone Age, they say Rolling Stones, A. Lincoln Park, they say Beatles, eh, but Mews say d'Orsay.

I don't even know if that's the right museum anymore. So then we went to Florence, and this German billionaire advertised for someone to accompany him around the museum. So a very strict criteria, though, my friend thought he had a good chance. So we rang a number and described himself, yes, said the German billionaire. You fit the profile. Anyway, then in Bill Bow, in Bill Bow, my... In Bill Bow, my friend swallowed this electronic device

that heats and melts solid adhesive so you can squirt it exactly where you want. But luckily, someone knew first aid and you'd kind of used an abdominal thrust to get him to cough it up with a glue gun hymn lick. So anyway, we went back. We ended up, okay, I'll cut the next three out.

We ended up back in the, we ended up back in the USA, John, in D.C. And I told my friend, I've read this story about how 1980s musicians had bought 1980s England cricketers at a special charity auction. David Vernon, talking heads, bid successfully for David Gower, and Morrissey and his old bandmates, they bought both them. And he said, what? The Smith's own Ian? Right. We're done.

So, um, right, I think it's interval time. John, it's been, as, as it was for almost 300 episodes, an absolute, uh, absolute delight. night to have you on the show. Everyone to say goodbye to John. Bye everyone. I'm a great night. John Oliver!

There you go. John Oliver there, who has never been paid to watch cricket. What's a loser. And being paid to watch cricket explains why I will be in Australia doing live bugles in Brisbane on the 2nd of December and Melbourne on the 22nd of December and stand-up shows the Zaltgeist Australia Edition in Perth on the 26th of November, Brisbane, Adelaide and Melbourne on the 3rd 14th and 23rd of December's respectively and Sydney on the 2nd of January. Next week we'll bring you the second half of the 18th birthday live show featuring the people who are currently 3rd and 4th on the all-time bugle most frequent co-host chart Alice Fraser and

Nish Kumar. If you want to join the bugle voluntary subscription scheme to keep our shows free flourishing and independent for another 18 years to infinity, then go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Until next week, goodbye.