The Bugle - Wedgie Diplomacy: Bugle 4083

Episode Date: October 12, 2018

Andy is joined by David O'Doherty and Alice Fraser to discuss hot planets, awful science men, MMA(!) and Britain's relationship with Ireland. Recorded live at the Sugar Club in Dublin – part of our UK tour and the Dublin Podcast Festival. Includes a travel weary producer Chris, you'll learn why.This is the version at correct speed.With@HelloBuglersAlice FraserDavid O'Doherty@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Welcome to the Bugal Live in Dublin.

Please welcome Andy Zotzerot! Hello, Bougalers! Thank you! Welcome to the Ble Live. It's very exciting to be here in Dublin. This is the second and final night of the Bugle European tour. We were in Sulford last night. Dublin tonight. Dublin up, quite literally. You come into life from the Sugar Club here in Dublin and also Dublin up as issue 4,083 of the Bugle. As I said, we were in Solford last night and we are in Dublin tonight and Chris, your journey from Solford to Dublin today.

I've had a complicated day, Andy. Yes, because I mean, generally, it would take, I mean, in layman's terms, not very f***ing long. But we had a slight procedural glitch where you attempted to pass yourself off at passport control as a four-year-old girl. Well, I mean, you know, I mean, here's my daughter, a passport photo, looks just like me. Sadly, the attendant, the Ryanair check-in didn't agree with that statement. And I don't live near Salford, and four trains later, and an emergency meeting with my wife, where we swapped passports several hundred miles away from where I was supposed to be,

and then got another train, and then another flight, and then another taxi. I'm here. There we are, this is it. You are... what you are applauding there is a man's painful recovery from his own incompetence. So you took your daughter's passport. Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot. I know. I mean, I look so, so this was, our journey today, yeah, it was like, it was really simple. Like, so what we were supposed to do was start there, get there, there. That was, it was supposed to be so start there, get there there. It was supposed to be so so easy and instead

I've gone up and down that I've gone sort of from here to there, then over there a bit a couple of times, then back over here I've gone plus weird places and style, I've gone through strat foods, I've gone through a weird swamp dick airport. And now I'm here. There we go, he's made it. He has made it... Hero. Absolute. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry. So welcome to issue 4,000 A through. No doubt we will touch more of this later during the course of the show. So if I am Andy Zoltzman, as you may well know, and if I were you, I would be sitting where you are watching Andy Zoltzman live on stage, speculating on what he would be doing if he were you. Small world, isn't it? Small world. This is the first live

bugle show ever to take place in a Dublin Dublin, B. Ireland, C. A country that is still going to be in the European Union come April next year. I know it is technically we're leaving on the 29th of March next year if everything goes according to plan. Admittedly that is currently the biggest if, since Rudyard Kipling started projecting the titles of his poems up onto the night skies above Gotham City. 29th March, great day for us to leave for European Union.

That's the anniversary of the Battle of Tauten in 1461 in the English Wars of the Roses, which was the single bloodiest day of fighting in the entire history of the British Isles, 28,000 people were killed at the Battle of Tautin in a single day of hand-to-hand combat. And you just have to admire the logistics of that. And above all, the work rates of youngsters back in the 15th century to get out there, get their hands dirty and get the job done. I don't think our pampered millennials would fight like that.

They take one look at the battlefield and say, no, that's not for me. And they sit at home on their play stations, tweeting shit. I mean, we have to hire in a load of poles and Bulgarians to kill each other just to get a fucking job done. So we are recording this on the 8th of October 2018. Congratulations. You have just cheered the anniversary of the assassination

of Korean Empress Myeong-seung by Japanese infiltrators in 1895. What is it you people are wanting to destabilise Asian politics? You cheered. The beginning of the first Balkan war in 1912. You cheered Germany annexing Western Poland in 1939. F***ing take a side island, take a side. Too soon. Oh, so. As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight. Yes, sir. They're going, where Dublin?

Yes, sir. Correct. This week in a bit of lifestyle section, including helping you with the biggest problem Right! Yes, sir! They're going, where Dublin? Yes, sir! Correct. This week in a bit in a lifestyle section, including helping you with the biggest problem facing young couples today, dog or baby. So who here is contemplating starting a family? No, no, one, no one. That's right.

We've clearly priced them out. Who here is contemplating getting a dog? That's why our species is doomed. So we're going to help you decide if you're contemplating whether to have a dog, whether to get a dog, whether to have a baby. We will help you decide we're going to do dogs versus babies in fourth categories to find out which is the greatest species. Category 1, impact on history, babies, very negative impact on history, babies have produced

amongst others, bonito, musolini, Kim Jong Il, Set Blattern, Celebrity Female Hungarians, 16th to 17th century serial killer, Elizabeth Bathory, all were once babies. None of them was ever a puppy. Dogs by contrast have never started a single war, though it is rumoured that Genghis Khan trod in a dog shit when he was 14 and never really calmed down.

But that can't really be blown on the dog. And of course, the Western history and politics was heavily impacted in a positive way by Dogtanian and the Muscahounds, the 17th century cartoon, dog pugilists, whose founding ethos, one for all and all for one, led, Let of course to the foundation of the British welfare state under Clement Attlee and that's... Babies nil dogs one, cat agree two,

ability to respond to basic instructions. I've had two babies, they are f***ing useless at it. Two nil to dogs, ability to guard house, dogs... By no means perfect, but babies next to f***ing useless. No burger is put off by a sweet face and a bit of dribble. Three knelted dogs, long term cost. Well, who here has children? Yes, and who here is worried about the cost of putting their children through university?

Yep, there you go. Who here has a dog? And who is worried about the cost of putting their dog through university? Point proof, just four-neil to dogs. If there is a message from this bugle, it is get a dog, not a baby. BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY

On the bugle, this week, firstly, representing the entire Southern hemisphere, all women and people who hate thin-leg pink birds. It's so wonderful, Alice Fraser! When she was, she was so fine, like a woman. Hello! Hello! Hello, Vuegler's, hello, Andy. How are you all feeling in yourselves morally?

I've been an exciting day. Chris was stopped at Manchester Airport, Andy mentioned that. He stopped for identity fraud after trying to pass himself off as a female infant. You know most airports are on the lookout for people trying to smuggle children out of the country. I don't think they have management systems in place for adults who are trying to smuggle themselves out of the country disguised as babies. It's a bad disguise, Chris. You didn't even shave. I mean, I don't recommend it, no. No matter how much you scream and shit yourself, you will never again look like a baby. And he did do that quite a lot, really. So Alice, your first time in Dublin? It is, it is my first time in Dublin. I'm like a baby. And he did do that quite a lot, really.

So Alice, you're first time in Dublin. It is my first time in Dublin. I'm very excited to be here. My mum was a massive Irish fan. She did her master's thesis on kind of folk music. And so basically, what I'm saying is I'm related to someone who respects your culture. LAUGHTER

And I'm Jewish, so I'm fine. I'm neutral. Also joining us today all the way from Dublin, about 10 minutes walk away. It's the wonderful David O'Dockety! No docketee! APPLAUSE Oh, you sure? That's your mind. Oh, you do. Thank you. It sounds like it's going pretty well. Andy, I don't think it's going well enough to get the European residency you crave, though. Sure, Polter and Fleetwood did well enough in the Ryder Cup last week. They can come in.

J.K. Rowling, out of push. You and Banksy, still not sure. I saw his picture shredding itself last week. I'm like, what does that remind me of? Oh, one of Andy's Oldsmans gigs. LAUGHTER Surely. Really?

Do you mean the ticket holders before one of my gigs? I mean, you got 1.2 million for doing it. That's what I'm making. So, right, I think we're ready for top story. Top story this week. We're all f***ing doomed. I knew you had a report on the environment, not a f***ing other one, as told us the urgent and unprecedented changes are needed to keep our famous planet one of the most famous planets

in the entire history of the solar system, no less, to just 1.5 degrees of extra bonus hotness or in layman's terms, whiff s***. Alice, you are the bugles environmental correspondent. Yes, indeed. Apparently the world's governments are nowhere near on track to meet their commitment to avoid global warming of more than 1.5 degrees above the pre-industrial period. Massive immense transformation in the way the world's population generates energy users, transportation and grows food will be required to limit the global temperature, which would mean some fundamental changes in how we live our lives and some concerted long term.

Sorry, I've got something on Instagram. I mean, this is the problem, Andy. It's very difficult to see this as a real threat. We're all worried about dying of, for example, too many bees, but we rarely think about the more pervasive and universal threat of dying from not enough bees. Global warming up to two degrees would destroy 99% of coral in the world, while a 1.5 degree rise, which is the current lowest target, would leave up to a whole 100% of 10% of coral alive. You know what, that says to me, Andy, we are so incredibly past f***ing o'clock.

There is no way this story turns out with as much coral as there should be. And you might say, Andy, who needs coral? And to that, I would like to tell you a story about the Dunning Kruger effect. Do you know the Dunning Kruger effect? I don't, which basically makes me an expert. LAUGHTER

Well, because I mean, it is. Also, half a billion people depend directly or indirectly on coral reefs for their livelihoods, but to be frank, at this point, I don't think we need to worry about the humans. Nemo, I'm worried about Nemo. Apparently, the co-enbrothers are directing the new Nemo film. It's going to be pretty bleak. So, yeah, the scientists using data from over 6000 research papers have warned that there's devastating consequences.

I mean, they would say that the scientist wouldn't they? Because it's easy being a scientist, isn't it? When you only have to deal with facts, you don't have to win elections or sweeten up your shareholders or justify your own high- high-carbon lifestyle choice to myself yourself. 12 years to sort it out, that's f***ing age. The bugle has been going 11 years. And I can't remember anything from before that time that isn't sport. Apart from the birth of my first cricket bat, child, child. The president of the Marshall Islands, Hilda Haini,

said every country must increase the ambition of their existing targets. And a spokesman for the industrial world responded, sorry, the what islands? Marshall, yeah, good f***ing drive, room for room. I'm doing my bet for my carbon footprint. I mean, I see what could happen potentially. Just if C levels rise, it could inundate my infinity pool.

Turning it literally into an infinity pool, also known as the C. I've already, from a pet point of view, I've done so I doong to a manatee, and I'll be getting rid of my right on vacuum cleaner at some point in the next year as well. These are the commitments we're going to have to make. There's always hidden victims. Mass poverty, that's another one. I don't see a problem with this, because I mean, we keep being criticized in the industrial,

the Western world, for not doing enough to prepare the world for the impending environmental apocalypse. But we have been preparing other parts of the world for mass poverty for, well, centuries now. They really should have evolved an immunity to it. If not, they should fucking read more Darwin. Drought, that's another potential consequence. You hear drought, I hear uninterrupted cricket.

Oh. Sure. Sure. So I mean, the bowling is going to become very unpredictable, though, isn't it? If the cricket becomes too cracked, I say that as someone who has watched, oh, one test match ever.

Thank you, Ireland. Don't you have a cream? Isn't there a cream for a cracked crease? LAUGHTER These family show-allage. Family show. I was talking about Gucci. LAUGHTER

Yes. Mass poverty, you kept talking about, we have that in this country. No one goes. Mass poverty. You kept talking about we have that in this country. No one goes to Mass anymore. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I think we do need some perspective on this. Because what is this?

I mean, what a one and a half degrees centigrade is that really that much? Let's get to this in perspective the current average temperature on this planet is 14.6 degrees Celsius on Venus the average temperature is 462 degrees Celsius and yet we're the ones being told that we have to Do something degree Celsius and yet we're the ones being told that we have to fucking do something. A amount of carbon dioxide, earth, naught point, naught, four percent, but apparently we've got a fucking cut down. Venus, 96.5 percent carbon dioxide makes me fucking sick. And do you know why Venus gets away with it without any criticism because Venus is a lady

planet. And you can't say anything these days, can you? You don't want to be accused of temperate-shaming a lady planet. You can't even tell Venus she's hot these days. And barely get away with committing historical sex offences anymore. Let alone asking a planet out on a date, mate, we f**king sick. Must not make a cold Uranus joke in response. Well there is a kind of curious inconsistency about humans as a species at the moment, because

we keep making binding commitments to help our planet die more quickly. a'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r sgwch i'r Yes, Andy, and in living forever news, I will survive. I will survive as long as I know how to love. I know I'll stay alive, and by no how to love, I mean know how to manipulate nanoparticles to destroy senescent cells. I am going to live forever if some speculative science turns into real science and rewrites my genes. The Guardian has published an article discussing cutting-edge research into the causes and possible cures for aging, mainly focused on medicines that promise to clean up

senescent or zombie cells that hang out in your body as you age, generally toxifying you and making long-running, but slow-moving popular television series in your organs until you die. If these medicines work, we could all live for a lot longer. And the promise of eternal life is a great promise until you think about the fact that the people who will live forever are the same people as are having stupid arguments

on your social media platforms right now. The other day I saw a man arguing with a stranger that gender neutral toilets were male oppression because women would come into men's toilets and quote, put their lipstick on all over the place. David, are you one would you like to live forever? I mean, it's not for me to say, but I think it was Galler who said, maybe I don't really want to know how your garden grows,

because I just want to fly. The, that is one of Oasis's most obtuse lyrics from Live Forever. How your garden grows is obviously a reference to pubes, which will continue to grow if we do live forever. The planet will, well, no one will die, so it will all be standing around, and then between us just tick bushes of pubes then. I mean, if it is a literal garden, surely learning how to fly would give you a better perspective, kind of a bird's eye view on the garden situation.

But I mean, if we're that hairy, we're like birds nests effectively flying around above. I think I'm happy enough at this point. I mean, age ain't nothing but a number, but it's also a very accurate barometer of how old you are. It's fine. These things are relative, you know? Remember when I was twenty, one of my friends once made out with a 25-year-old, and we were like, ah, that is so disgusting. You worried her arm might drop off. You learned how to...

Did she taste off death? Was that a... I mean, personally, I think it's useful to look at those animals that do live for a long time. And none of them seem that delighted. To be honest, you've got those enormous tortoises, you know, I mean, who you would think, like, oh, you met Captain Cook and Darwin,

and they're just like, the f*** off. The Greenland shark is another one. They lived to be between 300 and 500 years old. How have they worked that out? I have no idea. What, so maybe an old newspaper was found inside one. What? What?

What? But it looks absolutely miserable. Play freezing, hope it warms up. There's someone who'll be happy for a climate change right there, the Greenland Shark. Hopefully you might die one of these days. LAUGHTER Right.

Well, I think it's time now that we should talk. We should talk more about Ireland's first bugle here in Ireland. So give me a G, if you are you are Irish. Who here is not Irish? And mostly female response to that. They come here for the Irish men. Oh right, okay, that's right, but we all do. And... Preach. Because I'm, as you will know, I'm from England, and we share elements of our past, clearly. And I went to a rather traditional English private school, and it is fair to say that the

history of Ireland was not the most assiduously taught subject, as it generally isn't in any English school. And that has in common with, for example, any other thing we may be embarrassed about from our history. And in fact, I have the school textbook of the history of Ireland for English school boys. Here it is. Mae'n gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaith to do to a girl once I'd talk to it. Do they need feeding? Do they osmos? So huge gaps in my knowledge of the world, albeit that I was able to express those gaps in grammatically perfect Latin. So David, can you, for my, for an ignorant English one, please explain a little bit about the history of Ireland. Chris, could you put on a YouTube clip called Irish Music Sad? LAUGHTER

MUSIC Ireland was founded by footballer Stephen Ireland in 3,000 BC. Ireland's indigenous people were the leprechauns or leprechans. As nobody's ever called them, but they died out tragically, owing to the fact that they were all male. I never existed. Nothing kills the people off quicker than never having actually existed. Your next major character in Irish history

Andy has said Patrick, the patron saint of strangers, taking a shit behind the wheelie bed in your front garden. And that is how he has commemorated for one day around the world. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Saint Patrick got rid of all the snakes. And so thorough was he.

He got rid of any archaeological evidence that so thorough was he he got rid of any archaeological evidence that might ever have been snakes on the island. Around the first millennium saw the arrival of the Vikings and they're so unlike any Scandinavian people I've ever met today it's like one day they must have woken up and gone, Hey, you know, let's not drive in pillage anymore. Let's invent social democracy. And IKEA and Lego and aha.

Then nothing happened in Irish history for 600 years till the arrival of Oliver Cromwell in 1649. And he absolutely wrecked the place. Although scene is a modernizer in Britain still seen as that today, in Ireland he is seen as a genocidal f***head. Potato potato. Who caused a population drop-off to some expert put his high as 83%?! Potato potato. Who caused a population drop-off that some expert put his high as 83%

83% of the Irish population. Thanks, Cromwell, the apparel of Ransard Wangers. Excuse me if I occasionally visit the British House of Parliament where there is a statue of you to take a shit just in front of it. Cromwell was eventually defeated by Conor McGregor at the Battle of Cromwell. In 18, proper 12. With his rallying cry, you'll do nothing, you f***ing prick.

But McGregor was in turn defeated by Queen Victoria at a bout in Las Vegas where he had motivated her by criticizing her family, her nation and her religion. Queen Victoria loved Ireland and left us with her greatest legacy, the shop Victoria Secret on Grafton Street. Short for Victoria Secret was that she wished she'd done more to prevent the Irish famine, 1845 to 1849. This is like shooting fish in a barrel in front of these people. Ireland has always loved a craze, from line dancing to yo-yos, from Tamagatches to Catholicism. But they tend to come and go. They say you only play this town twice in your career,

said the Pope in Dublin on his recent business. Once on the way up, it's great to be back. And the 11 people in the crowd jiggled their rosary beads and shook their little bags Although normally a republic, Ireland is still a mystical place ruled over by Anya I've never met Anya, but apparently you can recreate the feeling of meeting her if you put your peen slash lady peen in a dice and air blade. If you feel something crazy in the air, listening to this podcast, that's Irish presidential election mania! For some reason, a reason nobody can quite remember Ireland has a T-Shock or Prime Minister and a President. The President is a non-political role, the idea of which is that you do the gigs the

Prime Minister doesn't have time to do, such as shaking hands at the rugby and apologizing for institutional atrocities. The Prime Minister has committed. The runners and riders have assembled for this once every seven years event and what a group. There's the incumbent Michael D. Higgins, a tiny wizard poise who negotiated the tricky events of the last seven years with a plomb, he hosted the Queen's first ever visit to Ireland without giving her a wedgie. And commemorated the centiner of the 1916 rising without mentioning that he'd love to give the Queen a wedgie. Job done.

So he should get to do it for another seven years, and everyone wants him to, with the exception of five people. The five other candidates who are running for its job. There's no reason to mention the other candidates because you'll never hear of any of them again. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Suffice to say that most of them, three out of five, have been dragons on Ireland's dragons dead, and they look like they're only running for president for a prank. They last with one of the lads at the golf club. The other two are ladies and they hate science. Michael D Higgins will definitely win and he'll have another sweet seven years in front of him where his main job will be to commemorate the

centenary of the war of independence in 2019 without giving the Queen a wedgie and the centenary of the civil war in 2022 without saying he wants to give Michael Collins slash Aiman Develera a wedgie. See, it's 100 years and we're still not over us. Oh Ireland. Who said comedy can't be educational? No one ever suggested I don't want to ever suggest that maybe we form some kind of like... Like a little bit. LAUGHTER The logic seems inescapable. Now, does that never been tried? A... LAUGHTER Oh no, we can't, because you hate those bloody Europeans

putting their towels out of the pool early in the morning. Oh! Trying to straighten your bananas? They're not your bananas, Andy. LAUGHTER You're not your banana, Sandy. LAUGHTER BUGGLES BUGGLES BUGGLES BUGGLES

Modern life has probably got you brushing your teeth all wrong. Just because the news makes you angry, it doesn't mean you need to take it out on your teeth. And this is why you need a quip electric toothbrush. Quip are backed by over 20,000 dental professionals. That's basically enough to nearly fill lords cricket ground. Their brushes have sensitive sonic vibrations, so you can be gentle with your sensitive gums. And given that even counting gets some of you wound up these days, quip has a built-in 2-minute timer that pulses every

30 seconds to remind you when to switch sides, helping give a full and even clean. Quip starts at just $25, and if you go to getquip.com slash bugle right now, you'll get your first refill pack free with a quip electric toothbrush. That's your first refill pack free at getqip.com slash bugle. Alice, you are our women and versus the patriarchy correspondent. Hey, what does that mean? Make me the patriarchy guy. My daughter said to me a couple of years ago, she said, daddy, you're too silly to

be a patriarchy. In women news now, Brett Kavanaugh has been confirmed as the next US Supreme Court just as by the Senate after a highly, oh, there's a Panto. He's behind you doing unethical things. He doesn't remember. I thought we'd put this behind us. He's been confirmed after a highly charged confirmation process in which he was accused of, depending on what side of the opinion fence you sit, youthful larykinism slash attempted rape, delete as appropriate.

The investigation into the accusation by Dr. Christine Blaisey Ford has uncovered many facts about Kavanaugh, less about his behaviour than about what a weird weepy tantrum boy he is. He behaved like what we in the legal profession would call an absolute sucky f*** dumpling. Anyway, the investigation established that Kavanaugh either did or did not commit that is it still a crime if you do it at a party? And he's been confirmed either because people don't believe he did it, but they believe he did it, but don't think it's relevant, they believe he did it, but don't care, or they believe he did it, but have done worse things themselves and are pre-covering their arses in order

to avoid establishing an unfortunate precedent regarding accountability for behaviour that happened in the past. The past is a different country, Andy, and like everything from a different country, it should stay in that different country and not come here and start taking our jobs. Thank you. Interestingly, pre-covering your ass is a right-wing approved method of assault prevention for women going out at night. Other women news, Alice, you are our women in science correspondent. Yes, indeed.

Women in science news now. In the wake of Donald Strickland's winning of Nobel Prize, we turn our minds to Professor Alessandro Estrumia, who recently presented an analysis to an audience of predominantly young female physicist, in which he claimed that he had proved women were less capable at physics than men. As a physicist, it's important to note that Professor Streamyer is also an expert in biology, sociology, gender, and how to talk to women.

I mean, Andy, this is the kind of anecdotally based, unscientific, cod sociology gut feelings, gender normative stuff that is pervasive. For example, people keep telling me that men are better than women at mass, but try getting an accurate self-measurement of penis size out of a man. You absolutely... I can... You absolutely cannot.

How big is your penis, sir? See? Exactly. See, my point is proven. More than 1,600 scientists have so far signed a statement condemning the remarks of Professor Strumia, who has stated that physics was built by men, which, you know, to give him credit is fair,

if you agree with the statement that most things were built by men, which is a true statement, if you start counting when a building is being built from the second floor and ignore the foundations of the building entirely. I don't know if you know this, Andy, but people seem particularly bad at history, often choosing to forget when talking about men's role

in history, that for most of history, women were being used at unpaid labor for the intensive grass-roots dusk till dawn, 24-7 hand-cranked labor of literally, keeping everyone born alive, warm clothes, clean disease-free free and fed. Not to presume to explain history to men who are historically better at history. In economics terms, not to presume to explain economics to men who are historically better

at economics, this meant that most women pre-industrial revolution didn't have the leisure time to worry about the masculine arts of flouncing around waiting to fight someone. And that is because women were good enough at physics to understand the statistical sex distribution of body mass differentials, not to presume to explain domestic violence statistics to men who are historically better at domestic violence. I don't know. Look, most science historically done by men, 90% of science that was accepted in the 1600s has been proven to be false, 90% of that science was done by men and 100% of those male scientists are now dead, which I think proves something. Though obviously I don't want to know what it proves because I'm a woman and not that good at that stuff. LAUGHTER Alice, right there.

Personally... APPLAUSE BUZZER Well, a huge bout of fighting over the weekends and no doubt you're very excited about it here. In Dublin the Irish Fister Cuffian Conor McGregor took on the Russian Ruffian Easter Habib Nirmagomodov, the Dagestanian Damage Dispenser, overcame the Irish Injury and Flickr, winning in the fourth round of their fight

and what a dramatic fight it was to Nermagomodov gained an early advantage as he ripped McGregor's left leg a sunder from his hip socket and feasted on it like a wolf before. Before McGregor fought his way back into things by scooping the prefrontal cortex out of the Russian's brain, via his under-fended eyes socket with a picnic's fork and smearing it victoriously all over his extravagantly tattooed tits. But the Russian did not take that lying down

and sucked a 9-inch length of McGregor's spinal cord out from between two of his thoracic vertebrae. The Russian's powerful proboscis, once again proving decisive, just as it had in his previous title fight against the Polish Mexican star, this Wuszyślav Honando Kr Króz Wuszyślicki, who, who of course had two ventricles and a lung wuked out the same way.

McGregor desperately tried to fight back by minting Nirmagomanov's spleen with his trademark power blitz f***g grapple, but the Russian seal is victory by exploiting McGregor's visceral fear of nonsense poetry by reciting stanzas from Lewisceral fear of nonsense poetry by reciting stanzas from Lewis Carroll's The Jabberwocky, causing McGregor to crank his own throat clean out of his neck with a primal wall of frustration, leaving himself vulnerable to Nermogomad or finishing

off with his signature 720 rotating Trotsky Woodwood, slaying McGregor with a double pirouette ice pick to the skull before setting fire to him in a giant wicker man. That's terrific performance, terrific bow. Wonderful, wonderful wholesome sporting entertainment for all the family, but sadly spoiled after the end of the bow. When the victor, no more coming up become a leg out of his cage and attacked McGregor's entourage, no idea why. I love MMA, I really do, I love cage fighting. I don't like watching the fights, they're barbaric. What I like watching is the men who do the fights talking about the fights before and

after the fights, because these are not men who get paid to talk. The genuinely my favorite guy in the history of cage fighting unfortunately deceased, his name is Kim Bo Slice, has anyone heard of him? Yeah, he's a very big man, no hair on top of his head, just hair under his chin like someone turned his hair upside down. He quite famously punched a man's ear off in a fight. And the interviewer went up to Kimbo slice up to the fight and said, so Kimbo, Mr. slice.

You punched this man's ear off. I didn't think that was even possible. And Kimbo sliced replied, anything's possible if you dream? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE BUZZ BUZZ Well it's great to be here. In fact, we're right next door to the Museum of Irish Literature.

Is that correct? Well, it's not open yet, but it's not open yet, but it will be... It will be... It will be open. I mean, it clearly needs to be opened, because I know were two. There were two billboards for it outside. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r I actually have a friend who studied Irish literature here in Dublin, in fact, and he was

absolutely obsessed with all these Irish great figures of Irish literature. And tell me, I mean, some of them, some of them, some of them really, you know, didn't earn much while they were writing. One of the great figures of Irish literature, who had studied at Trinity College here in this city, had to make ends meet by selling knock-off cheap imitation Christmas duvet and pillow sets. He actually made quite decent money, flogging his sham-yul bed kit. Oh, Lorda. And, uh, Enter the same guy who would make his own bread,

but it was very absent-minded, always drifting off thinking about what he was going to write next. And one time he balls it up completely, he was trying to measure out the ingredients. But he put the metal baking tray on the scales, but then completely admitted to add the water, flour, and yeast. Wade Tin forgot dough. Wait. Wow. Of course, one of the greats. One of the great Irish's worse than Cromwell. One of the great Irish novelists, he was bitten to SNM actually, interestingly, to inspire

himself. But you'd like to decide, you he liked to have some control on it, whether it was manacled around the ankles or the wrists, and with linked metal rings and what the metal links were, whether it should be large or small, it made out of iron, copper or steel. It was a bit indecisive, but eventually he would make his change choice. Change, change, faster. You're right, that one was a little bit overlong and convoluted.

Wow. You're right, that one was a little bit over long and convoluted. He went to a sex shop and he was explained what were things he could buy. So it was a bit expensive and shop patented so you don't have to buy them. You can rent them. He said, what, you leases? You leases? You leases? You leases? You leases? Another very... Another very famous artist who I lived in the late 19th century had a flash new vehicle pulled by a very powerful beast of burden, castrated bulls that be precise, saw no reason ever to stop even when traffic lights were invented.

Nothing could make me slow down in this thing he said, I'm in an Okska, a Y-Holt. Okska, Y-Holt. That's an Okska, Y-Holt.'n oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau oesgau o the imported answer of Beijing Earth Nest. That's what didn't work. Anyway, moving on. LAUGHTER My mate was so obsessed with Irish writers, he spent all his money on their books, used to fund his habit to make,

by selling body parts on the black market, particularly digits off people's hands, so with a discount for a quick sale. He was known to say, do you want a thumb swift? LAUGHTER And he also tried to sell a leg joint to a man he wanted to spare one for his wife, but he got a bit skeptical, the leg could look clearly too masculine. That's not a woman's leg joint, he said. That is quite obviously, and brazenly, a man.

That's a shameless he knee. Wow. All right. This is how you get yourself posthumously executed. I mean, you can just see them coming from so far away, so I can nuclear bomb with a parachute on it. You know. The best kind.

I used to keep myself mentally shot by having two glasses of water on his breakfast table, one regular water, one very salty water and he would choose one at random and down it. One week, all seven days in a row he picked the salty one and the next Monday he got the salty one again. Would you believe it Andy said, eight in a row Brian. At the row Brian. I traveled nine hours for this. Eventually he ran out of money.

To give away his, get rid of his collection of 1970s American thriller movies, he was, he was, he was, somebody was giving away others, he was chucking in the bonfire, I helped him out. The old man, I said bonfire, carry, give it to the charity shop. Jaws Burnett Shaw. I hate that one. LAUGHTER What does it feel like to be the best in the world at a sport? No one else is playing.

I don't know. Ireland perhaps you could tell me. Oh! I mean, I will say this, I feel like hurling right now. That is a bit rich coming from an Australian as well. Australian rules football, very similar to Australian rules immigration. In that it is needlessly violent and aggressive, despite there being a colossal amount of space. Well... Thank you. Anyway...

It's probably best to end the puns, I think, go away and think about what's happened. I'm going to both apologise and then right now. And then right now. I think some of you may have been annoyed by this, but you may have been cheese off. Right. That is it. That is the end. APPLAUSE Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Dublin. It's been a delight coming here. Please show your appreciation for the Christopher Columbus of his times, Chris Deeper-Jewsor, all the way from Manchester, via London. The glorious Alice Fraser Dublin zone, David, no, docketty. Thank you very much for coming. I've been Andy Zoltzman, good night.