The Bugle - What to do with Guantanamo Bay?

Episode Date: May 24, 2009

The 75th ever Bugle podcast, from 2009. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Buglers! And welcome to Bugle 75! For the week beginning Monday, the 20th of May, 2009. Gosh, is that the date? No, but it will be on Monday with me and his ultimate here in Lalalalala, London. And in New York City, City of Ducklings, it's the Arch Duke of Entertainment himself, John Oliver. Hello Andy and hello, Bueglers. Bueglers, if you're thinking,

oh Andy stuck down that well again and sounds a bit out of breath, that's because he went to the wrong studio. And has been rushing his way across to this new well-based studio, will be in for one week. Yeah, it is the kind of room where you can imagine if Britain ever goes the wrong way. People are going to be reading forced statements,

criticizing American foreign policy in a room like this. Anyway, also in my voice more sound tired, because it's f**king early here. And that's because I'm off to West Palm Beach in a couple of hours. We're on hiatus on the show this week, but instead of having a break and the unclevelly doing stand up in West Palm Beach at Lantern, Nashville, South Carolina,

Denver and San Francisco. Plug, plug. It seemed like a great idea three months ago when I wasn't this tired. I'm going to be spending most of the next week airborne. I'm basically going to be living like a bird, soaring above treetops and crapping above the clouds. And then returning to ground to do some gigs. Like a bird. Like a bird. Beagle 75, three courts away to the big ton, but as most dead old people will tell you, the first 75 is the easy bit.

Ha ha ha ha. So let's see how far we can go. For the week beginning, the 25th of May, 1993. Sorry, 2009, sorry for getting your hopes up there. So will this prove to me the greatest week in the history of humankind. Who knows, it's a bit of a long shot, but even if it isn't, I guess it's still worth trying to get to the end of it just in case.

So hang in there, Fugulars. It is 48 years to the day, John, since JFK pledged the world to put a man on the moon. So I think now is the appropriate time to ask, will we ever get to the moon? And why should we trust JFK with getting a man all the way to the moon? After all this was a guy who couldn't even get himself from one side of Dallas to the other. As always. Wow, how did you feel as that joke echoed back off the walls towards your face? It's alright to all of us stone to make a comedy about it. It's alright if we could make a joke about it. Don't think he would have seen that as

a comedy, Andy. I was a, you know, a decisive piece of speculative, investigative journalism. I'm not saying it didn't have it amusing moments in its slapstick. As always, we have a section of the Bugle Gang straight in the bin this week, a political protest section, including self-imulation for the safety conscious, how to set fire to yourself in a public space without endangering others. The case to cordon yourself off with high visibility cones, at least a 5 meter radius ideally, and use a fast burning high temperature fuel to make sure you make your point quickly, safely, and infornoically, and avoid self-imulating on a windy day. Plus, how to make reasonable,

achievable requests with properly structured logistical timetables within the confines of what do we want, when do we want it, chance, and also why riding a brightly painted elephant from a protest march can undermine the credibility of your cause. Plus, we look back at some of the most famous political protests in history. We look back on the forgotten suffragette Derek Gita Pankhurst, the least well-known of the Pankhurst stable of protesturses, who famously interrupted the 1906 Epsom Derby by running out onto the course in front of the King's horse dressed in a pantomime horse's outfit and seducing the King's horse in front of an astonished crowd. Later she put on a medieval suit of armour and welded it herself to some reignings, and sadly she died in her greatest pro-women's voting escapade.

When she mowed the word women in big letters onto the outfield at laws during the 1909 test match with Australia, then hired a biplane, jumped out, and free fell into the middle of the square at the famous cricket ground, arms and legs a kimbo to form the letter X, as if she had just voted for all women in a traditional bastion of male dominance. The force of the impact was such that her body could not be dug out of the turf and the match had to continue around her to the disappointment of the great Australian batsman Victor Trumpa, who was bold up eyeballed at Keplow after bouncing on her pasta-nax. Struth, he muttered as he trudged back to the pavilion, scuffered by a shea-less guzzle-wix,

I'll be damned. That section in the bin. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Top story this week. Guantanamo! Altogether now, Guantanamo! Just the fellas. Guantanamo.

Now the leaders. Guantanamo! Remember Guantanamo Bay. Isn't, guantanamo. Now the ladies, guantanamo! Remember guantanamo Bay? Isn't that how you start your gigs these days? I get it, it is, yeah. I'm trying to bring a little bit of the stadium spectacular to small comedy clubs. But you remember guantanamo Bay, Andy?

Little look, little look in the corner of Cuba. Beautiful place, Andy. You really must go with your, you ever conspired to commit a terrorist act? Or more importantly, look like your might Well, Obama pledged to close the not remotely exclusive results as soon as his second day in office Saying unambiguously that he would ensure it was closed within 12 months Now the problem with saying things like that is that you then have to do them

I guess that's why politicians don't often say things like that. And in a major bipartisan defeat this week, Senate Democrats, that's right, Democrats, have said that they will block the move until he comes up with a plan for where to send the detainees. Obama lost the vote 90-6, as the Senate is sentially voted to keep the President Gran Tana Moe open for the foreseeable future. Whilst Obama didn't say this out loud, you could read across his face that he was thinking, what the f***! Over the point, no US senators want Guantanamo inmates in their states. And Lamar Smith, the representative from Guess where, that's right, Texas said, no good purpose is served

by allowing known terrorists who trained at terrorist training camps to come to the US and live among us. Guantanamo Bay was never meant to be an NSIland. Where to begin? I mean, there does seem to be some kind of confusion here, and no one is suggesting that the inmates are moved from Guantanamo Bay into the bedrooms of America's children. And perhaps they should have been more specific and made it clear that that had been ruled out as a possibility. These people will be going to maximum security prisons from which, to round up, no one has ever escaped.

No one. Once then as I even said, you know that they'll be in there trying to tunnel out. Well, good luck to them. Have you seen maximum security prisons? There aren't conveniently placed trampolines next to low fences, they're not getting out. You cannot tunnel through a floor with a plastic spoon if it's reinforced with steel. Well you say that John but when Johnny Cash did his San Quentin prison gig, people actually used him as one of those pummelhorses and tunneled out underneath Johnny Cash. It was a great gig though. Let's not let that affect our enjoyment

retrospectively of what was an incredible gig. If you listen to the recording, you can just hear the sound of Prismas vaulting over him. And the terrorists are getting taken straight there. They're not putting them on charter flights with a map and some money and saying well, when you land in America, please report straight to the maximum security prison. You really mustn't stop off on the way to do any terrorism, okay? Can't stress that enough.

Guantanamo, of course, based on the irregular Latin verb, Guantanamo, Guantanamo, Guantanamo, actually, Guantanamactum, which, of course, means to wantonely and deliberately flout international law. Also, the military tribunals, they're back, aren't they? Good news for fans of military tribunals, bad news, I guess, for fans of taking legal picnics on the moral high ground.

And a barmer, of course, how he has previously described when Tadamau is a sad chapter in American history. I guess I think in any book you want a bit of light and shade, don't you? That's right. You know, the chapters in American history, I mean, there's lots of happy chapters

and there's quite a lot of sad chapters. And I guess it's starting to look like a bit of a mess I'm just waiting to see some kind of common thread come through. Maybe I'll just have to wait for the sequel It's a real emotional roller coaster of a novel. Yeah Also with these super max prisons Andy there are already 347 convicted terrorists in these prisons and They are yet to break out or turn anyone terrorist inside there. And even if they do convert someone, very much those someone's are already in a maximum security prison. That is literally the safest place for any new terrorist to be.

The court has said that America can hold these detainees indefinitely. I guess John, what do you think about indefinite detention objectively? You've got to remember that time is really just a concept and we're all just a bunch of molecules randomly thrown together by fate and science. So what does it really matter at the end of the day? You would make a terrible human rights defense lawyer. Listen, dudes. I know it's strapping,

because I'm about to blow your mind here, man. I know that's probably not much consolation if you are being held indefinitely, but then if you are being held indefinitely, then A, well you shouldn't be listening to this podcast for a start, we're not on your sort of associated with the bugle. And two, you're not on the best position to comment objectively, so keep out of it, it's not your business. Grant's having a full kicker when they're down, Andy. Grant's having a full kicker when they're down, Andy. Grant's having a full kicker when they're down, Andy.

Grant's having a full kicker when they're down, Andy. Grant's having a full kicker when they're down, Andy. Grant's having a full kicker when they're down,ades. That's not a good batting average. That one baseball term today is batting 3.8. Which, I guess in legal terms, is tantamount to convicting only three out of 775 possible inmates in a prison camp. Either way, you look at it, it's got, could do better written all over its report.

Also, there are 240 residents, or as they were known under the Bush administration, pre-convicts, still lodging, shake it, Moe, or one star hotel with inadequate facilities and often rude staff. And it's hard to know what to do with them all, John. I mean, you, because letting them go is obviously problematic. You could, I guess, have a five-side football tournament with five, eight team leagues, each team with sort of six players and a rotating sub. That's an option.

But once that's finished, it hasn't really solved the overall problem. And there's a problem also with offloading detainees who have been cleared for release because so a lot of them don't want to go home on the grounds that they're scared of being killed. Albania has taken some in as guests, but then I guess Albania doesn't have a lot else to do, apart from being a bit mysterious. So rumour has actually that Obama is set to start auctioning off these inmates. In fact, I've got a leech copy of a US government advert that's due to come out. Have your own living piece of US extradudicial history

helping out around the house, starting at just $299 for a standard inmate caught up unwittingly in a global political power game. Up to 899 for a delusionmate, who is quite probably an active alkyd, a member, but isn't saying much on the issue, never has helping the US government move on from an international embarrassing issue being so affordable. And the running costs are low, these gentlemen which come in five different categories of anti-US sentiment from simmering resentments to thunderingly incandescent fury have become accustomed to low daily calorie intakes and a limited range of wardrobe choices. Sign up now for your chance to buy your own diplomatic time bomb. Obama and Cheney did back-to-back speeches about national security on Friday.

Cheney insisted that this speech was about not looking backwards, but for a speech that was not about looking backwards, he sure as shit used a past tense along. And Obama chose to speak at the National Archive, literally in front of the Constitution. Not the most subtle move, he's ever bought, but you know, it does seem like we're past subtlety at this point. He said that national security is the first thing he thinks about in the morning

and the last thing he thinks about at night. And that sounds good, and I'm sure he means well, but there is just no way that's true. I bet that the first thing, the very first thing he thinks when he wake up in the morning is, me, I'm president! I'm president of the United States! I live in the White House!

I'm going to take my morning dump in the White House! And there's nothing that anyone can do to stop me! Wow! And I would imagine the last thing he thinks at night is probably Is it too late to order down to the kitchen for an ice cream? Because I can have free ice cream whenever I want. Why? Because I'm the president! I'm the president!

I guess John, it's got to put some strain on a marriage when the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing at night is national security. You're right. Rather than the love and light of your life. Yeah, that would be a wonderful moment. Got a romantic moment between you know, a couple of our children, Michelle looks to me, so what are you thinking about? I'm thinking about national security.

Oh, I just thought you were thinking about how much you love me. No, I was thinking about preventing a massive terrorist attack, killing us in Americans. Just hope he doesn't call it out in a moment of passion. You think you look something else aren't you? I used to fund a mental responsibility of President to protect Americans. Yeah, I hope he doesn't do that too, Andy. He also went on to say that America will be ill-served

by the fear-mongering that emerges whenever we discuss this issue. And he's right, America will be ill-served, and there's nothing that he can stop doing that. Because America has a surplus of fear monger waiters happy to ill-serve the American people if ever their plate of fear starts to look a little empty. He said this week that the old system was flawed that's fairly uncontroversial I guess. He promised that in future no statements would be allowed or obtained by the use of cruel or unusual in human treatment. That's moving the goalposts midstream as far as I'm concerned.

Also he's planning to tighten up the rules on allowing hearsay evidence. Now I think this is hypocritical, John. This is America after all. It's a very Christian country which follows as its holy book of document. That is 100% hearsay. And I think that's double standards. But I do admit that convicting terrorists on the basis of gossip is problematic. I'll did you hear about Mrs. Hopkins by arm-aid?

No, what's he been up to? Only plotting the destruction of the West and everything it holds dear. He hasn't been. That's what I heard from Julie. Click, right. I've got that on tape. The bastard's going down. He also said that opening and continuing Guantanamo set back the moral authority that is America's strongest currency in the world. Well, it is certainly stronger than the dollar now, but that's more to do with the dollar than it is to do with America's moral authority. I think Robert McGarby's moral authority is stronger than his currency as well. Nothing's supposed to be. He also said that defendants will be allowed to choose their own lawyers. Now what next, John? They're going to be allowed

to choose their own verdicts as well? If these people say what about Justice John? What were they doing when they were doing whatever it was they were allegedly doing in the first place? Yeah. That's my question to you. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Royal news now and Britain has stumbled into yet another constitutional crisis, John. Well, hold on, Andy. Hold on a second. If this really is Royal News, Bugle should be standing up for this. Right. Wherever you are, even if you're driving, stand up. Have a good respect. I'm more than standing up, John. I'm so proud

of being British that I'm actually levitating naturally about three inches above the ground. As you're sure, Andy, everyone has their own response to it. Whenever I think about the Royal family, I'm about three inches off the ground. Whenever I think about the Queen, I myself was about seven or eight inches. Erm... Anyway... I wish Rugby player, Roda Nogara, met the Queen, John, and... I don't know how to say this. He kept his hands in his pockets when he met the queen.

That's a snub! It's just snubbed her majesty. Short of sending the Luftwaffe back over for seconds, it's hard to know what great a sludge on our nation, the island and months and number 10 could have perpetrated. I tell you what, it's been a bumper year for the queen. And the first she was lightly touched between the shoulder blades by Michelle Obama.

That can't have been easy for the big cue. And now she has been snubbed by this Irish rugby lout. How dare you keep your hands in your pockets when you've got the honor of meeting Q-tip. But I'm trying to understand this incident, John. And I think maybe O'Gara was worried that the queen, who looks from a, when she stands upright, she's narrower at the head and feet and a bit rounder in the middle. Right.

Which I guess makes her shape to a bit like a rugby ball. And Ronan, a Garo Clea's professional rugby player, is clearly worried that he might mistake the queen for a rugby ball. And then just do what comes naturally to him as an international fly-half, namely catcher when she walked past him, steady himself and then tall Pido, kick her 60-yard down the room and have a window. So what you think is he could have been worse? she walked past him, steadied himself and then told Pido kick her 60 yard down the room and have a window. So what he's saying is he could have been worse.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It was he's doing it for the good of the queen. The important thing here, Andy, is that there is only one way to resolve this, the only reasonable response, is for the queen to cut round in our garas hands off with a sword. She's got to send a message. And the otherwise people are going to start

to question her authority. She's got to stamp down on this. I guess another explanation is that O'Gara still hasn't forgiven Britain for the injustices. We were responsible for an Irish soil. What was it now? One or two, maybe 10,000 years ago now, I forget exactly when it was. But you certainly have a look in the photo of a man who feels socially awkward in situations where he's expected to show an elementary level of courtesy to an unelected head of state

with which his own country has been at squabbly log-a-heads for much of recent history. The other alternative, John, is that maybe he had his hands in his pockets to check that he had his underpants on, because the last thing you want to do as an international rugby player is meet the Queen without underpants. Yeah. It's the first thing any good mother tells you. Also, that is part of Royal Etiquette, you know, like a slight bow, or there has to be at least two different layers of material between your balls and her majesty at all times. That's right. That's why that pool-cuting incident in Australia, you know, is that your rampus? There's nothing to do with the fact he touched her in the low of the back.

Gards going to come on, but he plums out. In other Royal news, the leader of the British National Party is apparently to be a guest, a Buckingham Palace garden party hosted by the Queen. He will accompany Richard Bonbrook, a BMP member of the London Assembly. Now, if you don't know who the British National Party are, then I'll congratulate you. You've managed to live a life untouched by the poison of these platinum-grade f***ing up. Sadly, I'm afraid your ignorance is about to change for the worst. The BMP are a racist political group who campaigned for the, and I quote, voluntary resettlement of non-white British citizens to their country of ethnic origin.

Oh, even repeating that out loud, making you feel slightly coozy. Yeah, I think it's important to inform our audio readers about the British National Party. Juvenilely right wing organization, the leader, Nick Griffin, is a man with a face that simply screams out, hit me hard with a plank of wood. It does. And so it is the closest, the far right, will have come to Buckingham Palace since Edward VIII advocated in 1936. Griffin.

Griffin. I mean, you're not wrong wrong but Griffin's policies include standing up for Britain's mythical indigenous population, good luck to him if he can sift them out from those who are related to anyone who can prove their British family, bloodline predates the Roman invasion of 43 AD. And also the voluntary resettlement of non-white British citizens as you say. Now I consider this John to be unacceptably racist against white British citizens such as myself. Because if the BNP ever takes power, I will want to get out of the country just as much and just as quickly as any non-white brick. And I don't see why I should get, well, shouldn't get the same preferential treatment as others just because of the lack of color of my skin.

I want to have as much chance of being on the first plane out of here as anyone. And let's not forget, John, my father is an immigrant to this country. And I Jewish one of that, but a white one, so the BNP probably haven't noticed that he's an immigrant. But just because the BNP can't tell that I'm not a proper indigenous Brit just by looking at me, doesn't mean I should be kept here against my will. That's against human rights legislation. And it's racist. Good luck having that conversation with him. I just hope the Queen with her immigrant ancestry and immigrant husband takes

this opportunity of meeting Griffin at Buckingham Palace to bully him in front of the other guests and just embarrass him, knock his sandwiches on the floor, jog his arm when he's drinking his tea, and maybe point out to him, they're really the closest there has ever been to a purely British nation after which his party is so laughably named. Was the Kingdom of Great Britain which lasted from 1707 to 1800, the result of an economic and political union between two traditionally warring countries. And maybe offer him a knighthood but say, I'll warn you though that's all just pretty heavy

and I'm not getting any younger, my knighting arm isn't quite as strong as it was, wouldn't it be a shame if it's lit? Well that's the point, and you see the mayor of London, the non-lovable buffoon Boris Johnson has urged that the invitation be withdrawn saying we cannot tolerate any such abuse of this invitation or any potential embarrassment to her majesty. But is a thing. I think he should go. And I think the Queen should ask him a question, patiently listen to his answer and then say, oh I'm sorry, what was that?

I don't speak asshole. Can somebody translate please? And then high five foot man saying, Oh, you just got queened. I just burnt you. I burnt you bad. Somebody take this guy to the burns unit. There's no coming back from what I just did to him. Hey, oh, hey, oh. Are you doing an impression show soon? The impressions are, I think, New York, Jew and the Queen. I think that was not my only two impressions. The British National Party is, of course, so cool because that is what would be thrown if they ever decided to give up politics

and top of losing our national discourse. It would quite literally be a British National Party. I'm not going to vote for them, John, after all you decided that in the local elections coming up in a few words. For the main reason that, as I said, I think they're racist because they don't treat me as the immigrant that I am. And also because they're a bunch of f***ing. And history shows that, history shows this, John, that voting for a bunch of f***ing does not often work out well long term. Obviously that will have been bleeped. And so just to try and get across to listeners what Andy said, it's the biggest bleep there is. There is no bigger bleep.

Do you think it's editorially justified for me not to bleep? Yeah, I mean, technically it is. I know they're not going to let you do it. This would be the one instance where really you should be able to hear what underneath the biggest stamp there is. It would stand up in court. And if it doesn't let the f*** sue us. LAUGHTER MUSIC Expenses update now and for the love of God, make it stop.

Make it stop. Please, please, John the Expenses saga has been dragging on like World War One here. This is really from the heart of him. Well, you all thought it would be like previous Expenses controversies, a bit messy, but overquickly in all home for Christmas. But now it becomes clear that the pain will be endless, the entire nation will suffer, and humanity will be all the poorer for it. And I'm willing to bet that the films from this Expenses Saga

will not be as good as the films on the first World War. We think all quiet on the Western Front, Harold and Kumar go over the top of the passion tale and Herbie goes bananas, court-martial edition. That's right, Britain has continued to get its nickers in historic level of twist over the MP's expensive scandal, which has now culminated in the Speaker of the House of Commons, Michael Martin being forced out of office. And this is the first time this has happened to someone in that position for 300 years. There's no way of calling it otherwise,

it's a constitutional crisis. Is it Anarchy in the streets? Over there, you're having to hunt and kill your own fingers, the entire basis of civilized society crumble. Yeah, it's pretty much like that, but then I live in Stretem, so it's coming up like that for a while. I suppose that eases you into it pretty well.

That's right, yeah. It weens you off civilizations. So how are they trying to study this ship? Well, you know, it varies. Conservative MP Anthony Steen claimed this week that the British public are, and I quote, just jealous because I have a very, very large house. Well, that may be true, but a response like that

is just not helping bridge the gap. He seemed to stop just short of calling people peasants, who if anything came near his very large house, we'll get whacked by his very large stick. Weki, weki stea! Weki stea! Weki stea! The polls interestingly show that all the parties

are becoming less popular. A recent poll showed that only 45% of people intend to vote in a general election, which is kind of embarrassing, John. It sort of takes that about the levels that it was before women were allowed to vote. The conservatives in one of the most shameful pieces of political opportunism have been calling for a general election because of this, saying that because the public have lost faith in politics, there must be a general election. Whereas, in fact, what they mean is we reckon we can have the Labour Party on toast, because we are not quite as unpopular as there.

So the next election, John, is shaping up to be a bit like going to a restaurant and having to choose between an omelette made of used syringes and fox eggs, a portion of Trump car patio, and rat braised in its own saliva, garnished with photographs of Donald Rumsfeld and swimming trunks. Pretty unappetizing and that's a shame, John, because I still think democracy is a good idea in theory. Your emails now and well, we have to start, John John with the composition that has literally had entries cascading in their tens of thousands. Just under a million entries we had for the competition to win tickets to my shows at the Soho Theatre this Friday and Saturday, the 30th and 31st of May, tickets available on the door. Hold your you now, Andy.

Well, I have time to read all of the many millions of entries to this competition. But the winner is this from Andy Corless, who writes, Oh Andy, what a terrible time to be bringing this up. My family just lost two dogs this past week. Yes, two. But I believe your dog he gave us change we can believe in and delivered on that promise. She was a beacon of hope. She kind of crossed boundaries and ground breaker as a dog. Literally she dug a bit in the garden. She was a big bugle fan as well.

I know she died five and a half years before the bugle actually began but I think she would have been, she would have loved it. So Andy call us if you do actually, if this is to need an address as well. That looks like he really wants these tickets. If you do want these, he's thinking it's just email the bugle at Timesland.co.uk. Friday and Saturday night, bugle is so hothier to total sell out. Some of the seats will be totally sold out. We have another email here from Bella Irving, Smithville, North Carolina,

who says, dear Mr Oliver and Mr Zoltzman, keep it formal, I like that. Last week you were talking about the Pope and it reminded me of something I recently discovered. The Catholic Church rates movies. The ratings range from A1, General patronage to O, morally offensive, and for most movies there's a little written review. I looked up some of my favourite movies at the Rocky Horror Picture Show. That can't be one of your favourite movies. Kotwork Orange, all of the Monty Python's, to find out that almost all of them are morally offensive and have reviews saying things like, a display of bad taste, a moral vicarity.

Ouch, what's that? Have you ever had that in a review for a film you've been in, John? Nothing that good, to be honest. I loved it, you know, I kept scaring the internet. I think someone must have liked it more, but no. And an attack on formal religion. I'm adding poor selection of movies to my list of reasons I'm not Catholic. It falls somewhere between my lack of belief in God, but somewhere above, the Pope sounds exactly like Dr Strangelov.

Plast for mostly yours, Bella Irvin. Well, I'm Bella, Bernan Hill. Could be nice to have a few bugleers joining us in eternal donations. Sure, to be honest. We're in it together, the bugleers. I think that's why it becomes such a commutability. We're all going downstairs. Let's stop kidding ourselves. So do keep your emails coming into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk

and I will have some of them in a blog at some points in the next... Well, what is it now? 2009. In the next decade, definitely in the next decade, there'll be another blog up. I've been busy this week. I had a kitchen's rumbling on. It's very hard to get anything done. You don't cook a blog. Good point. Bugle Sport now and well, John coming up this side of the Atlantic is a Gamer football. So massive that it defies the very concept of size. A clash between two great football and cultures. Leviathan, Meeting Leviathan, Legend against against legend, two clubs representing proud regions,

clashing on one of the game's great stages with the ultimate prize up for grabs. It's Jillian versus Shroesbury Town and the lead to promotion, play off final. What a matchup, John, the mighty Jill, the greatest non-cricutting sports franchise in the whole of the county of Kent. Representing not only the drab, condomation of the medway towns, but also all who love freedom, truth and beauty. Against Shroesbury Town,

all the Shropshire shitheads as they might as well be rebranded, a club which isn't sponsored by a company that sells cluster bombs to dictators, but could well be in a future for all I know. Hitler's favourite lower league English football team, I guess. Oh, let me go again. Here we go again. Well, drop in the H-boss. Well, John. Did Shroesbury town, march through the

streets of Berlin, protesting out Hitler's aggression, the list of illiteristic expansionist posturing in the mid to late 30s. Did it just good assending him a post-guard saying, well done, little fella, keep it up. But once the excitement of the Kentish hero's defiant efforts to provide hope for the oppressed, the disenfranchised and the hungry people of the world by defeating the evil empire that can barely even decide whether it's in England or Wales. All eyes will then turn to the Champions League final on Wednesday, John Manchester night against Barcelona. Is America excited about

this game? Just as it always goes with football, Hispanic Americans are and it stops there. And me and I am as well. You can yourself as an American now, do you? Oh yeah. Shit, I'll fill you a trap there. You did say Gotham last week, so... Well, that's a common lead that is still sticking in your throat. Of course it is, mate. I'll never look at you the same again. Come on, Andy. How do I make it up to you?

So, since a lot of bugles are probably neutrals in the Man United Barcelona clash and may not know which side to support, I'll give you a quick guide on how to choose which side to support in this massive, eager quick guide on how to choose which side to support in this massive, eager, anticipated game. I guess one thing you can look at, John, is the ownership of the club.

And you have to decide whether you like your football clubs to be owned by a reclusive American tycoon, whose pursuit of a quick bucket's finance by saddling their club with a testicle wateringly big debt. Or you want your clubs to be owned by the ordinary people of a historically oppressed region for whom the club is a symbol of their centuries of resistance and their fiercely independent spirit.

So I guess you've got to decide that, you're not all your Barcelona on one hand or the other. Then you can look at Schertz sponsorship. You might want to throw your temporary support behind the team who's sponsor you like best in which case maybe you like Manchester United sponsored by AIG, the US insurance giant's recently kept in distance by almost $200 million of US taxpayers' money after years of craftsmist management, then forked out, what was it, $200 billion, was it?

Yep, $200 billion. So, and then forked out hundreds of millions of this as bonuses to the staff who had driven its folks to be tackled into the ground in the first place. One of the credit crunches, more barefaced, thank you, you bailout responses. Man United of course received over 50 million from AIG for the privilege of flaunting their logo

on the famous red shirts. Or perhaps you prefer Barcelona, who have never been smurched their proud shirts with a sponsor's logo until 2006. When they struck a deal with UNICEF, the United Nations Children's Fund, under which not only did they take UNICEF logo on their shirts, helping raise awareness of the plight of unfortunate kids

across this 22-solid planet, but they actually paid millions of pounds to UNICEF logo on their shirts, helping raise awareness of the plight of unfortunate kids across this two-two-solid planet. But they actually paid millions of pounds to UNICEF for the privilege. So John, who's it going to be? The team that took millions from a dodgy insurance company that has screwed the US public, or the team that gives millions to hungry sick little children. Oh, let me think. It's a tough one, Andy, but the ultimate moral dilemma, isn't it? Ooh.

Barcelona! Right, there you go. Or perhaps you can choose it on tantrum capability of the players, and this John is no contest. Mania Knight is going to win this hands down. The brilliant Portuguese, Stropchucker, Cristiano Ronaldo. He can throw a tantrum out of absolutely nothing, John. He's that good, he's that unpredictable.

There might seem to be nothing on to get particularly wrong about, but then Bang, he's wrong foot at everyone with a fully blown, hissy fit about the line, he's been not giving him a throw on or someone not giving him a cuddle before the game or letting him take the corner flag home. Unorthodox technique, Renal, they'll hardly any back-lift on his tantrums, so you can't see them coming and they catch everyone off guard. And he can lose his fruit from any angle, any distance, Johnny's that dangerous. The time is a little perceived in justice and whoosh, there he is,

pouting and liquefaring like a despotic medieval king who's been told everyone in his kingdom has died of plague and he's got nothing left to and whoosh, there he is, Pouting and Lipquering Luck, a despotic medieval king who's been told everyone in his kingdom has died of plague and he's got nothing left to govern, but a three-legged dog and a field of cabbages. Right in luck, an ex-matic snake wearing a shirt made of sandpaper. I guess it's just lucky that he's a footballer.

If he was on Sangsu Shi at the moment, up on a showtrial facing genuine injustice, he would vaporise in an explosion of sulkyery. So I'm back in Barcelona in this one, John, because I love the way they play the game, and also on the grounds that I've never died on my arse at a gig in Barcelona. Okay, yeah, good point.

Whereas in Manchester, well, let's just say, it's been six and a half years now, and the comedy store still haven't called me to say, well done for lasting 20 minutes up there, a lot of people would have bottled it after two of the way it was going. Final sport news, and the athletes have become very generic, identical kids, uninspinspired and certainly are eccentric creatures,

which means when you find someone who's genuinely crazy, you have to cherish them and this while I love Placco borrass so much. And I've fell in love with another athlete this week. Delonte West, the basketball player for the Cleveland Cavaliers, this man is out of his mind. I'm gonna be dropping some Delante West pearls of wisdom into the beautiful sports section over the coming weeks. Here is something he said recently. Bugs Bunny is the smoothest dude I ever met.

You know he'd be chilling just like it be a normal day and he, you know, it'd be cold just like how it is in Boston and he just want to dive into the ground, pop up. He'd be like, oh man, this ain't albuquerque, that's gotta be the tightest life, he just hop underneath the ground and go, no traffic, no mass pike, no tolls, no taking Yankee hats off, just underneath the ground, bam, carrots, albuquerque. It might seem crazy to you but it's just a different way of expressing myself, I think it's kind of freaky. That's like a nonsense poem.

I don't know what he's saying, I'm just glad he said it. Well, there'll be more from Delante West. Maybe we can have him in the soundproof safe next week. Oh, that'll be great. That's it, you do not soundproof Delante West. You let the man speak. So that's it from Beagle this week. There's no time for a forecast. Beckyars will the world might end, so it's probably pointless. Battle at Beagleers will hopefully speak to

you next week if not, it's been a lovely ride. Cheerio! You're out of the game! See ya! Thank you.