The Bugle - When The E-Shed's Rockin'

Episode Date: December 12, 2020

COME SEE US LIVE ON 30TH DECEMBER: https://www.citizenticket.co.uk/events/the-bugle/the-bugle-relives-2020/#getAndy is joined by Alice Fraser and a returning David O'Doherty to look at no deal, alien contact, vaccine controversy and breakdancing.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch for Xmas - bobble hats, scarves and HAGOW T Shirts are on sale!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserDavid O'DohertyAnd produced by Chris Skinner. LISTEN TO BUSH'S BOARD GAME THING Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, buglers and welcome to issue 4176 of the bugle the world's foremost source of ruthlessly inaccurate dismal information. I am yet again, and is Altsman, and it's the 11th of December 2020. Could this be the day that it is finally revealed that 2020 has been a hoax. A prank year, the first since 1848 of course, just to see the looks on the world's faces, we will let you know as soon as possible. I'm here in London in the shed of Al Grafier speaking into the microphone of the Irkling Slamourards sat in the throne of the 12 Narconian nids. I thought I'd try to tap into a game of

throngy type audience. Let's see what that's done to audience numbers. Not even a quiver on the dial, right? I'm going to have to take my top off then. Yep. Right, and there you go. Oh and suddenly people are tuning in. We are a simple species. Right eyes up everyone Joining me for the beautiful this week from Australia the nation that as we speak post-Break Britannia is lining up to emulate in Every possible way our spiritual touchstone are gradually becoming uninhabitable inspiration. It's Alice Fraser Hello, Andy. Hello, Bugleers It's good to be back. It's good to be back. It's good to be back with my feet on my ground

and my brain in this universe. LAUGHTER Now, obviously, we're looking here at... and we'll talk some of this later in the show, an Australian-style relationship with the EU. Tell us how great Australian, know of old truths. What bounties await us with our embrace of anti-poditrisism? Well, Andy, there is a particular kind of bobby pin that I can get at one single shop in the European

Union and I cannot get it here in Australia. So welcome to a world of frustration, a very specific set of needs for a very specific person. Why were we not told apart from being told? Also joining us from the distant continent that is Europe, from Dublin, Ireland to be specific. It's a big welcome back for the first time since he took a break from the people to mastermind a global descent into the ravages of a pandemic. It's David Odochety. Hello, Bonjour. Hello, Bonjour.

It's lovely to have you back. Back a little. Have you been? I'm all right. Well, you're a 2020 truther. Yeah. The whole thing could be a hoax. Yeah.

I am a chess truther. Right. This is big. That there's actually no rules to chess. It's just people pretending while I'm in the room that it has rules. And then when I leave, they just play drafts with the buddy-shaped man. To be honest, that is more possible. What are the Queen's gambit, have you? Obviously not, because it's a hoax TV show. It doesn't exist. So it's not the most implausible conspiracy theory we've had this year.

These are the questions that other shows are afraid to ask, but not here on the bugle, we'll get to the very bottom of this long-running fraud. We are recording on the 11th of December on Tuesday, the 15th. It will be 12 years to the day since the beginning and end of my midwifery career. Happy birthday to the smaller of my two support acts that day. On this day in 1936, the abdication of King Edward VIII became effective, brought about by his relationship with Wallace Simpson, who stopped motion animation stroke cell animation name Harbingt, an unbridgeable division, which she would soon bring to the monarchy. It's popularly assumed that Edward VIII, as his friends briefly called him,

had to hang up his crown and hand in his badge in his scepter, because Simpson was a divorced, b Catholic, c American, and d unable to feel a p under 50 mattresses. But in fact, the reality is that a simple blood test on Simpson found that she had insufficient levels of the hormones aristocracy and anti-plabianide and Britannisine, all of which have to be present in the bloodstream of any member of firm Windsor. And well, there you go, it's amazing how history repeats itself. It turns out. I'm just so likely to too high in the possibly a Nazi. That's just a bloodstream just a little bit.

Yes, I mean, I mean, you know, some say it was a it was a rogue it was a rogue test and really there isn't that much anyway Let's move on. 12th of the hour. Ironically the wrong trousers was the grounds for his original divorce as well to marry her the wrong trousers was the grounds for his original divorce as well to marry her. On the 12th of December it will be 119 years since Guglielmo Marconi received the first transatlantic radio signal at Signal Hillinston, John's Newfoundland. He received the letter S from a transmitter in Cornwall, England, the other three letters of the transmission never quite made it through and a warning for humanity about what was going to unfold over the next hundred years was lost. Research in the 1980s from the Starship Institute of History about Marconi suggested that the message was delayed and that Marconi had to wait for a long time alone in his special signal reception pod waiting for the historic message to come through. Try and kill time and keep

himself awake and that one of his assistants barged in and found, quote, Marconi playing with his member. This research published, I believe, in a research paper in August 1985 in the form as was traditional at the time of a pop rock song. At 07, 1978 Rasputin, the decline of sorrism in the creation of a new 20th century Russian identity by Boris Niemovsky, or as he was popularly known, Bo Niem. As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in a week like this. It's a section that's going in the bin.

For reality, it's too painful. Disney is announced that Harrison Ford is going to return for Yeah, that's what was the sexist going in the bin. The reality is too painful. Disney has announced that Harrison Ford is going to return for a final movie of the Indiana Jones franchise. Titles still to be finalized for the aging archaeologist, Rumors, are that it's going to be Indiana Jones and the high-risk demographic, or Indiana Jones and the nice cup of tea, or maybe even Indiana Jones returns priceless stolen artifacts to be properly displayed in their original context. Honestly, this is PC, focus and God mad. But, well, it's for exciting time for

the movie industry. They're also squeezing more eggs out of the Star Wars Golden Goose. The eggs that are coming out of that goose Disney, are you sure they're definitely eggs? And the Marvel franchise will have more Marvel movies to fill the aching void in humanity's sole cause by an insufficient quantity of Marvel movies. But for this section of the bin, we look ahead at the big 2021 franchise film releases that will be underwhelming humanity across the planet next year, including 12 even angrier cyborgs, a long-awaited sequel of the 1957 Sydney Lumet courtroom drama, 12 Angry Men, in which time-traveling cyborgs tried to overturn a historic miscarriage of justice, in which a-traveling cyborgs tried to overturn a historic miscarriage

of justice, in which a boy was on trial for a crime he didn't commit by blowing up every courtroom on earth. It is explosive, it's graphic, it's sensational, no shot lasts longer than 0.3 seconds, it's filmed in 483 different locations, and it's totally incomprehensible. Bang, bang, cavaume, just what the modern audience wants. Also oceans, 330 million, a high-speed caper in which the entire population of America steals all the money from the US treasury vaults through a cunning ruse involving spiraling national debt and short-term politics, waspishly satirical. Perts win the huts, that's a spin-off star wars pipsqueeser following the second cousin once removed of Jabba the Hut, who yeah yeah yeah yeah, spaceships, yeah yeah yeah, anthropomorphic agents, yeah yeah, obviously. Also coming out next year,

the human millipede, unnecessary, the last temptation of Bieber, derivative and blasphemous, field of nightmares, baseball zombies being there, done it, a clockwork satzuma really, and penultimate of the Mohicans, unilluminating, even by Hollywood prequel standards. That movie section in the bin. BELL RINGS Top story this week. It's over. Not COVID, but the debates, if ever there was one, over which is the greatest country in the history

of the universe. It's Britain. It's Britain because we, we Britain, we as a nation, all 65 plus million of us, we gathered around the national water cooler and approved a vaccine for yous before anyone else in this world or the next, if you ignore Russia. Take that rest of the world. Britain has won the race, the Russians don't count, it's not really a vaccine.

They're just shooting Vodka into people's eyeballs. We've won! We have won! 2020, take it. You lose us from Ireland to Australia. It turns out that greatest nation was being judged only on First Nation to vaccinate an old man called William Shakespeare, which still happened this week, not on basic and administrative competence, political effectiveness, lack of corruption in contracts to supply medical equipment or anything else you might think it might be judged on. Britain has won! How do you guys take this, the humiliating defeat

for your respective countries? The rush to vaccinate William Shakespeare does possibly point to future vaccination of anyone who's got a vaguely iconic name in England. Just for a national morale point of view, rumor has it that Big Ben K, the former Leicester's second row is to be next. Sean Bean, weirdly, the actor, because he is called Bean,

and that is close to Mr. Bean, who is England's greatest living icon. Florence, there's a chance of Florence from Florence in the machine. Her surname could be Nice and Gail, so she will be vaccinated. And then, a mini driver, obviously obviously because she's English, she's got many in her name and English people love driving. So she will definitely be vaccinated. It's, I mean there's going to be a lot of debate now over the precise order that people are vaccinated in. I mean that'll become one of the big arguments as we move into the new year. So the start is oldies, health carries, people who sound like icons, and then novelty musicians. That's in the very top group. Lucky I fall into that. Me and the ukulele orchestra of Great Britain are in

there. Alice, I'm afraid because you play a banjo which is technically a non-nobility instrument, you will be in part 9, which you will receive the vaccine in 2025. And part 9 includes satirists, ventriloquists, hotel room, towel or a gammas, orrigamous, stonero to say that, and contestants are naked attractions. Right. But I mean, all four of those groups. So does that mean I get bumped up from a cat or a nine or not? I can't wait to see your episode. It is sensational. Those prosthetics were worth every penny. I mean Alice, this is how's the vaccine news, obviously in Australia, the only vaccine you need is Australianism. But I mean, how is the news going down there?

Oh, we're happy for you to have it. You need it. Well, exactly. This is a clever strategy. Last, someone has given the British government credit. Thank you, Alice, because we cleverly manipulated ourselves to leave ourselves as one of the countries in a different period of time in severe torment. I mean, for most Australian citizens, it's only two weeks, but it might be forever. And we like to keep that uncertainty going.

The thing about the virus that's kind of really striking is that rich nations apparently are hoarding 53% of the total stock of the most promising vaccines for what is 14% of the global population and it looks like about 9 out of 10 people in poorer countries are going to miss out according to the people's vaccine alliance, which they are suggesting that whatever these corporations should be sharing the IP freely for the good of planet, to which the gang of people known as corporations said, ha ha ha, we have adequately diffused responsibility within our corporate hierarchies so that no one needs to feel personally responsible for pulling the trigger on the

hapless poor of the globe. The fictions of corporate ethics are a shield for our conscience, we are accountable only to the middle managers and thus each of us is only a quarter going to hell when the revolution comes only my left leg will be against the wall so suck it. It's nice to have those explained in in clear and concise terms I mean to be disappointing for the poor nations of the world's David another loss against against the rich nations. You can look at it that way, or I can look forward to getting my sweet, sweet vaccine shots. And I think what I'm going to do is, it's a two-shot affair.

So I think my first one, I'll get Pfizer with just a twist of AstraZeneca. Just clean the glass with AstraZeneca. And then for, I'll get a dirty Moderna for the second one which is just Moderna with the Smoshed Up all of in it I mean I'm looking forward to it and although we haven't ratified the vaccine yet we weren't in that particular rush as you guys Andy I think it should be happening I mean someone said we won't get it till June

is when incredibly healthy, hot 44-year-olds, like me, will be alive. As does Enneker and the University of Oxford have pledged to provide 64% of their vaccines to developing nations, poorer nations. But interestingly, Canada has bought enough to vaccinate its own population five times over, which, according to Oxford FEMM, which is just cutting through decades

of Canadian PR about being the nice guys of the post-colonial alumni rowing team. It doesn't help with this, saying sorry, while they're doing it. Yeah, Alice, I think again, I think we're misrepresenting Canada here. Clearly they place this order before the American election and they were legislating for 150 million Americans to slide over the border on the 20th. As soon as that result came out, had it come out the other way.

And of course, it could still. It could I know some of those court cases aren't going tremendously well for Trump, but it just needs one vote to be proved to be bogus and the whole thing will come to us. But do you think, Alice, I think you've oversimplified it, saying, it's rich nations versus poor nations. Are we sure it's not just the cool nations getting it first and the square nations have to wait? I mean that's the way I see it as a Brit. We are, you know, as the coolest nation in the world. Why is it nations chosen by God are doing better than accidental non-divine near-pointed nations? I mean, it's hard to tell.

No, it's not hard to tell. Well, I mean, you try to... GDP. You try telling that to Gavin Williamson, the education secretary of the United Kingdom, who has provided confirmation of Britain's untouchable greatness this week. He is, of course, the earthly representative of the goddess Britannia and her husband, God Gavin Williamson, the secretary of state for Education, those words they'll make any more sense to more often you say them. I don't know. It does seem that he got the job of Secretary of State for Education based on the fact that

he can relate to the attainment levels of a five-year-old who's managed to do a potato print picture without shitting themselves. And he basically told the world that the reason that Britain was the first to roll out immunization was because we are a better country than other countries. It makes us, this is a man who is a cabinet minister responsible for the futures of millions of children, literally all of whom would make a more convincing cabinet minister than him. It is, it's quite, I mean, it is hard to take politics seriously. I mean, you do have the best of the best over there. Certainly, who

could look with a dry eye on Matt Hancock appearing this week on Peer's Morgan's wonderful morning show doing the worst fake crying I've ever seen. I'm so skinned as a country that we couldn't even afford a fucking onion for him to keep in his place. There's a thing about pretending to cry if you've done any high school acting, is that part of pretending to cry is looking like you're trying not to cry, not looking like you're trying to cry and failing. And then immediately being able to talk normally, having got over the crying, maybe two seconds after the fake crying, he was filled with emotion for Britain that this German financed vaccine created by a Turkish German couple has potentially saved his government and he even added in certainly for William Shakespeare

just a little bit of gravy into that syringe, a little bit of beautiful British gravy. I have pretended to cry more convincingly than that when I was trying to get my brother to come close enough to punch him in the head. I mean the big long term effect of all of this will be me saying the word efficacy. Right. I mean, who knows going forward? People will come into my house. I'll be like, can you please take your coat off? You won't feel the efficacy of it when you go back out again.

Just going to your stand-up comedy gigs and shouting at you. The efficacy of these jokes is unusually low. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha already dead tree, F-I-A-L-I-N-G. After four and a half years of what I believe political scientists call absolutely fucking gutless uselessness by various British governments accelerated by the Johnson regime since it took power a year ago. It seems that the ever-table has become inevitable. No deal Brexit and Australian style Brexit looks on the cards. It does basically seem that Britain and Europe are going to slam each other into the gravel traps of this unnecessary economic motor race and then wander off just speculating wildly in the other star direction whilst refusing to accept any responsibility for their role in the crash.

I mean, yes, the British team, not only forced the race to take place, and selected unqualified mechanics in a driver who'd only ever ridden a pedal tricycle before, and then veered on predictably all over the place, shunting the EU car off the track. But why was that EU car not letting us drive exactly where we wanted to drive the cheating bastards? David, as a member of the EU, as you still are in Ireland, what's your take on on Britain's? I don't I'm basically flandering our way towards independence. Well Andy, I think we

could all see that it's it's certainly crunch time in the Brexit talks in the same way that it's sofa sale time at my local branch of non-stop bonkers sofa clearance 24 hour warehouse, crazy deals. And I mean personally, I just find it amazing to think that Brexit which started as a one hour stage show at the 2014 Edinburgh Friends has got this big. A lot of people fail to remember what Brexit is. I think the word has become so ubiquitous. So just to remind you that Brexit is standing on the roof of your own home, calling all

of the neighbor's pricks, and then not moving, just continuing to live there with a horrible vibe forever. And it's hard to tell whether Boris, I mean, does he want to deal or is he just pretending because his father never hugged him? But oh, to be a fly on the wall at him and Ursula von der Leyen's last supper in Brussels on Wednesday, and by a fly, I mean a fly covered in an explosive laxative that is constantly dive bombing into Boris's weird gravy soup. Okay.

Awesome. I think that might be image of the year. I mean, there's a number of things being said about Brexit. I think we have to reassess. There's been talk of wanting to have a cake and eat it, Brexit. I think what we're heading for now is a chuck your cake in the bin and still somehow be poisoned by it, Brexit.

And I myself have compared it previously to being a bit like, you know, Thelmer and Louise and the government saying, you know, we'll be Thelmer, you'll be Louise, let's f***ing do this thing. But it's not quite turned out that way. I think it's more like Thelmer and Louise if they'd accelerated the car off course by the cliff crashed into a tree at high speed, crawled bleeding out of the smoldering wreckage of the car. Only to have the car then rolled back over them and the tree fall on top of them before the cliff edge

collapses underneath them and they tumble onto the rocks below where the decaying remainder then picked out by vouchers and scavengers until all that is left are an array of rib bones spelling out the word why. I think that's how it's turned out. It's been fascinating to see who's been applying for Irish passports. I mean that's been a long-running thing. What companies are moving to Ireland to avail of EU rules, Jake Garisse-Marg's investment fund, of course, and then more recently Jake Ruiz-Mogg's investment fund, of course, and then more recently Percy Pig from the Marx & Spencer Gums. He's married to Papa Pig and they have just moved to Just Outside Cork. Key British icons, Sir Kill a lot, is apparently moving to Galway City and Snap and Pop from Snap, Crackle and pop are moving to Ireland

which will just leave crackle in England and the breakfast cereal will just be called crackle from then on your lopen that it just explodes in your face so take that you stupid brits. Like a breakfast metaphor. I mean it's, you know, I don't want to go into too many details about the negotiations because, you know, I'm British, it's Brexit, detailed smittels and all that. I mean, it's interesting that George Osborne, who long, long term bugleess may remember as the former Chancellor of the Exchequer, said, wrote this this week, he said, the Brexit frog has been

truly boiled. Now I mean, let's ignore for the fact that he was one of the ones dressed up in a witch's outfit chanting Chuck Little Hopper, that's what he does. But I think there is more to successful witchcraft than mere frog boiling. Believe me, I know. And it's, I mean, I don't know. It's very hard to look on this with any sense of hope, even as the proven greatest nation in the world,

the government keeps saying this deal must be compatible with our sovereignty, which would hold a bit more water if that government hadn't been aggressively defecating all over the concept of sovereignty for the past 12 months. Yeah, Andy, not only do I feel like I've made all of the jokes about Brexit, I feel like I've made all of the jokes about how I have no more jokes to make about Brexit. But look, it's not that I don't understand why you might mistrust the EU or why you might dislike the bureaucracy of the EU, but it's like saying at some point we should stop the car and then everyone else in the car leaping out of the car while you're still driving on the highway. This is the worst possible way

to achieve what is an arguable goal. You can have a reasonable argument about it but this is not a reasonable argument. This is somebody coming in just smashing your favorite vise and saying I don't like the way you sleep. What point are remainers allowed to, I'm not going to say gloat, but what point are the remainers allowed to, I'm not gonna say gloat, but at what point are the remainers allowed to say I told you so, after all of this, we're never gonna drop out without a deal, no deal isn't on the table. By the way, we're not doing a deal.

Well, I mean, there've been quite a few articles about, I mean, several articles, blaming remainers for the failure of the negotiations, which is, I mean, really, that is just another symptom of the echoing bullshitery of the past five years rebounding coffeinously of the cold, hard, ass of reality. I think the point at which the levers may realize

this was a terrible idea was this week the head of Tesco said there may be a shortage of cheese. In the weeks following a hard Brexit, it might just be cheddar. And could that be the moment when those levers tried to have their beloved fondues and just end up twatting meat into a solid block of British nuclear winter chaper. Crap, miss your! Not with Gruyere, just Chi, just put. Lasagna, are you joking? We will just have cheese on pasta, wait there's no pasta, just cheese please. Well, I mean, this to me was symptomatic of the divisiveness of the debate, this headline that, you know, Tesco saying Brexit could see people choose cheddar overbrew. Why is this

being presented as an either or choice? I mean, also, why are we going for the hard cheese option, which is an expression meaning bad luck at luck being something that sort of happens out of your control? This is not really bad. This is bad luck in the same way that it's bad luck to lose the Wimbledon final if on the first point you doubt yourself in petrol and set yourself on fire. I would also say why are we going for a British breed or another British soft-ripe and cheese option, rather than going way over the top and abandoning soft cheese altogether, just to make a point that doesn't need making.

I like my cheese, like I like my Brexit, hard and slathered in an aggressively vinegary pickle and crumbling and absolutely crackers. It's very interesting you say hard cheese. We say tough titties, which is any woman who is breastfed for more than six months. Well, in some ways that's the cow's equivalent of hard cheese, I guess. Alice, you also say which is hot for road cones. So let's not take your nature, or your country too seriously. That is Proposter Springs, a Halloween vibe to road works. I didn't know that we called anything but until I went to the UK. We are heading for this, a so-called Australian option in which we trade as if we're 10,000 miles away,

rather than a Canadian option in which we trade as if we'd rather be outside wrestling a moose or playing ice hockey. And let's not forget. I mean, what has been said in the past, Liam Foxx, former Tory cabinet minister said this will be the easiest trade deal in history. Boris Johnson said there is no plan for no deal because we're going to get a great deal. Michael Gove, the day after we vote to leave, we hold all the cards and we can choose the path. We want the oven, the oven ready deal. I mean, presumably, I think everyone involved is on the verge of resigning after this catastrophic failure to deliver what they said was an absolute Sunday afternoon piece of cakewalk in the park whilst pushing over a child's play picnic. But unfortunately, this whole thing has turned out to be the wrong kind of no-brainer. Well, former Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, when he was told that Britain was going to go for the Australian option in regards to his relationship with the EU said, be careful what you wish for.

Australia's relationship with the EU is not one from a trade point of view that Britain would want. I mean, it's definitely easier to be right wing. I mean, this is something that I realized at a young age when I was 14, I remember in my junior certificate state French oral exam, I understood we were going to be talking about Lund-Vyre-Moll. And then I go in and the invigilator starts asking me questions about unemployment and I've got nothing. So I just fall back on the simplest vocab which is all very right wing. She's like, what would you do with the unemployed? And I say put them in prison. It's very, very... Throw them dons, libastille!

Poor for poor. The environment was the French call it, for for for for. The environment was the French call it Les Surroundings. So anyway, we will continue to follow this story. Is it unfolds over the next 50 to 100 years? With the referendum running total, tantalizingly poised at one all with 50 years of the match still to play. This could be a real thriller over the next half a century. Aliens news now and we are not alone. It turns out proof has been provided by a former Israeli

space security chief Alice. You are a bugle correspondent for communicating with alien life and other dimensions, of course. Bring us up to date with what's been going on. Well, proof has been provided if you consider the ramblings of an 87-year-old retired professor proof, but- Yes, it is 2020, that is proof. Well, actually, he's a current professor, he's retired Israeli general, Chaim Ashad, he said that the state of Israel has made contact with aliens. He called up the Jerusalem poster, right when newspaper had told them that he wanted to have a chat about aliens, that the aliens are being contacted with Israel and America,

but they had kept it a secret because humanity isn't ready, putting into question why he's telling us now, but apparently these aliens are the quote, galactic federation and they've been making contact for years, keeping themselves a secret to prevent hysteria. And with a story like this, sometimes life hands you lemonade and you're kind of stuck for what to do with it. I can't tell if I want this to be an elaborate hoax or a depressing truth. I do know that with it being called the

Galactic Federation and this whole idea of not being ready yet, Chaimash had may have been watching a little bit too much Star Trek. I know that I don't want it to be the thing that it mostly likely is, which is either severe mental illness or the elaborately self-indulgent delusion of another wise intelligent man with a small gap in his brain through which the liquid of reality has trickled over time. But, look, which would you prefer if it were real or if it were not real? Oh, real, definitely.

I mean, this could be our way could be all way out of things. Could it? Yeah, it's all the same. We keep in guilt trips as a species and everything we're doing to ruin the planet. And if suddenly the aliens come along and destroy us, then ethically we're off the hook, aren't we? I mean, if I can just chip in here as a holder of a US-01 visa, which is a stamp in my passport, that clearly says, I am an alien with extraordinary ability. I feel I can speak from genuine experience here. I mean, you look at, firstly, aliens, not now. It's the worst possible year for this huge news to break. But then you do start to look around who are definitely aliens. And

it seems pretty obvious to me, Michael Gove, Mike Pence, Michael Jordan. Right, lots of Michael's. Yes, Michael's. You've cracked the code. Okay. And then we look across time, Mick Jagger, obviously, an alien. Michael Phelps, all those Olympics-worming medals. Michael Buble. And then if you listen again to that Christmas album, you're probably hearing in its entirety six times a day at the moment. You listen to, he's put hidden messages in the winter, we shall build a snowman, and when the snow by melts underneath will be a ship to get us to the stars. It's in every single song

there is an alien based message. Right. I mean, I might take on this. The guy's name is Khyam Eshed or Eshed and my Jewish name was Esham and I basically have an e-shed where I record the bugle that I was in the shed. Have I accidentally just, my bullshit has manifested itself in an 87-year-old retired Israeli general? I'm starting to doubt myself now. He said that co-operation agreements have been signed. There are signed agreements between the species, between humans and the aliens, including, and he also said there's an underground base in the depths of Mars where there are American astronauts and alien

representatives, Negotiate Tenquid, says they have been getting it on. You can't get much further from the pride of the neighbors and underground basin, the depths of Mars. Yeah, look at Mars in the in the night sky and you think, yeah, Mars. I've got it on. I have two kids, Dave. No, it's in your each. I'm going to ask in your e-shed. All right.

And then I was imagining the sexy e-shed on Mars, where... If the e-shed, you know what they say? If the e-shed is rockin' don't come knockin'. I think the world has needed this story, Alice, because we've had a lot of batshit crazy conspiracy theories this year about the virus. Sometimes literally. The American election, well, all kinds of things. Yes. Yes, yes, exactly.

It's good to see conspiracy theories getting back to basics. Aliens are here and we're not being told that. That's the kind of stuff that made conspiracy theories believable, popular, charming even in the first. If this is a conspiracy theory, we can all come together as a species and not believe in harmoniously, surely. Well, I mean, I feel like as a conspiracy theory, it is phase one of a conspiracy theory that ends up

with everyone who believes in Q and on firing themselves into space. LAUGHTER MUSIC Sport news now, and the Olympics is taking a interesting new direction. Breakdancing is to become an Olympic sport. Break now, I think at some point in the past on the bugle we might even have suggested this as a ridiculous joke. There are a few things that have come true that began, I mean, Exhibit One is currently sitting with his trousers round his ankles on the toilet in the White House, that raging against the dying of the light. David, you are, of course, a huge,

huge sport fan and congratulations for taking that correct lifestyle choice. What do you make of this? Is this a good thing for the Olympic movement? Is break dancing a sport or not? Well, it's breaking news is what it is. It's quite literally. Break down saying it will be in the Paris 2024

Olympics, regardless of what we say about it right now on the bugle, but it marks the end of a campaign that apparently dates back to the 1908 London Olympics when the sport was known as mechanical body syncopation. It's an attempt by the IOC to appeal to a youth demographic, and it's interesting that they have spurred other potential youth events that may have appealed, such as vaping, being melancholy and horny all of the time, and telling your parents to f*** off. Sorry Chris. I think the fear for me is that when it becomes a metal sport, when breaking does, she makes love just like a woman, but she breaks like an Olympic breakdowns competitor.

It will be prone to cheating and scaldogery that goes on in other sports and cheats could include, I know it's something you love to do, wearing a suit of armor under your tracksuit to improve your robot, living for a week in a chrysalis to visualize yourself into the role of catapillar. And I think the message is coming loud and clear from the IOC and that is don't go breaking my heart but do go breaking. I mean, it's been chosen ahead of other, you know other more traditional sports like Squash, traditional long-standing sport of breathtaking skill, craft, athleticism and drama, that's not got a look in. And other sports that are part of the Olympics that are, you know, if you were

choosing now something to get the kids involved, you wouldn't, I mean, not rowing, for example, I think rowing as a sport, and I say this with the greatest of respect, is unbelievably f***ing dull. And I think humanity is pretty much explored all the possibilities of two, four or eight tall, stringly muscular people sitting in a straight line, rowing in a straight line on a flat bit of water at the breathtaking speed of an old man on a bicycle. I think rowing, rowing, rowing in a straight line on a flat bit of water at the breathtaking speed of an old man on a bicycle. I think rowing, rowing is established in the, and the Olympic, it's this bizarre combination now of these sort of funky new things like speed climbing and, you know, competitive brake dancing. And it's, I don't know, it seems like struggling for its identity. And let's not forget some of the events that have come and gone from previous Olympics,

such as Horse Lung Jump is my particular favorite, then Town Planning, which was part of the arts. Genuinely, the Irish, Ireland's most longstanding Olympic medal is our painter, Jack B. Eates, won the painting in, I think it was in 32 and so we are. I've been in the 20s, David. I'm going to say to you. Let's talk about what we did a question on this. Oh, really? It was earlier in the year, I think. Cricket was brief in Olympic sport and Team GB,

reigning Olympic cricket champions, I think it was 1900, the only time when we beat France in the only match of the tournament, both teams involving English people. That's the Olympics, early Olympics. You could pretty much just turn up, you know, say you're here for, you know, say you're here for, you know, the flower pointing, a flower and you'd wander off with a medal. And I think maybe, maybe this is sport getting back to those, to its early roots.

Well, break dancing makes way more sense to me than football, for example, because you don't have, you know, 90% of the people on the field pretending that they don't have arms. Break dancing involves the use of an acknowledgement of all your limbs. And for that, I think it deserves our respect. Alice, it should be noted here, does represent the Lionel industry. And Linoleum could do very well out of this

with people buying four by four squares of it to do backspins. Important. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. Just time to tell you about a very exciting development in the history of broadcasting. A live Bugle review of the year show on the 30th of December. This is a ticketed event you can buy tickets via the Bugle website, the BugleBarkos.com. And there is a ticket link there. I'm reliably informed by Chris.

That is correct, is he not? Click on the live link at the top of the page. Yes. Where you will also see information about a last post-life show. There we go. And that show on the 30th of December featuring Alice, Nish, Kumar and NATO Green and a full review of this glorious, wonderful year 2020, as it twitches it's last. David, any shows that you'd like to alert our listeners to? I am going to record a live show in my basement this week

and put it up on Gumroad the website. So check my Twitter for information. There we go. That sounds so fake. You can't say that after I've just cloaked something. Yeah, I promise it's real. I'm just delighting in the in the express sense of the modern world. Hopefully we will have a special bugle next week as well.

And till then, we will play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them. Go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Well, of course, you can also buy your tickets for the end of the year of you shows for an off-punch and the bugle. So you go there. When having fish and chips, Ian Foster likes to use the chemical terms for salt and vinegar, it makes him feel like he is an evil genius about to poison someone, as he says, I will sprinkle these foodstuffs with sodium chloride and ethanolic acid. He sometimes even uses the term monocloridium of soda to make it sound even more macchi-evalian. I should emphasize, however, that Ian is not in fact an evil genius. Numerous Witherset has done some research and formulated the theory that tadpoles, the

notorious proto-frogs, stay small because they simply don't have enough space in ponds. If we chucked a few tadpoles in the sea, theorizes numerous, I reckon they'd grow massive, and what a massive tadpole'd mean, massive frogs, which have strategically crucial military applications, potentially. Austin Elmore believes that tardigrades are another species that we should be keeping a very close eye on. Look at the microscopic bastards, says Austin. They're tiny, but they look like they could evalute into something bloody terrifying within just a few thousand years if they put their understandably tiny minds to it. They could be like a cross between a rhinoceros, a tank, and some kind of cyborg mechanical slaying machine. You have been warned.

Lisa Ward has written to the government where she lives, suggesting an initiative to reduce the amount of time people waste thinking about what coffee to order when in coffee shops. Sure says Lisa, some people go straight in there, but others am enough for up to maybe 15 seconds. It doesn't sound a lot, but I've added it up, and over the course of the next 300 years it's going to cost the global economy $28 quadrillion dollars, and I haven't even adjusted that for inflation says Lisa. Thomas Domingo thinks it is a shame that we only have terracotta warriors left from the

ancient Chinese hobby of building terracotta replicas of all staff members for presumably some kind of tax declaration purposes. One day, Reckons Thomas will discover a great big stash of terracotta back off his staff as well, maybe some terracotta snooker referees and terracotta traffic wardens. And finally, Tom Longfield thinks the term, great hair day, should be clamped down on fourth width. It's like in sport complaints, Tom. Greatness is banded around too easily these days. For me, a great sport star is someone who's in the top echelon of all time, so it should be with hair. Unless your hair is having one of the top two, maybe 300 days

in the history of human quaffeuring, just rain it in and call it a good hair day. Surely that's enough. Here and if, this week's lies. you