The Bugle - White Noise

Episode Date: January 5, 2021

Andy is with Alice and Nish to look back at some of 2020's lowlights and some of the remarkable things that have already happened this year! Including. Should a Prime Minister know the difference between India and Pakistan and how much popcorn is too much?Buy a loved one Bugle Merch (or some for yourself, it's allowed).We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can still hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserNish KumarAnd produced by Chris Skinner. LISTEN TO BUSH'S BOARD GAME THING Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to the first Bugle of 2021, a year that will surely see at least some of the following things happen.

The end of the Trump presidency, the first one at least, maybe also the second, the re-legalisation of films that are not sequels or spin-offs, and Olympics, the first Olympics at least maybe also the second, the re-legalisation of films that are not sequels or spin-offs, and Olympics, the first Olympics to take place in an odd numbered year since at least 393 A.D., interesting to see how much difference that makes to the medals table at the end. We could see more medals, one by athletes born in odd numbered years, which might prove something or other. We could see this year the resignation of the COVID virus, either in humiliating retreat at having been vaccinated, shirtless, or having simply achieved all its career goals as a virus, or through having had enough of Boris Johnson's stupid smoking face. And we will almost certainly also see the full resumption

of the British Empire. The planet is back people. 2020 has been consigned to the history books where it assurably belongs with all other years. I'm Ali Zottsman and I will always be chronically absolutely everything that both does and more importantly does not happen this year here on the bugle official podcast of record for the human race. And to begin with, I'm joined to a finish off the bits left over from our review of 2020 show and B, review 2021 so far, three and a bit days in. To begin, the view here, I am joined for two purposes, a to finish off the bits left over from our review of 2020 show and B to review 2021 so far, all three and a bit stroke for days of it, depending on where you are in the world.

By Alice Fraser, who essentially lived through two 2020s simultaneously via the last post and the real world. Alice, I mean, that was a shit year to do twice in one go, wasn't it? I mean, yes, Andy, except I played them off against each other, like the red robot and the blue robot and the rock and sock and robots and they sort of I can't sell each other out

And I'm also joined by Our fellow veteran of the review of 2020 show from a few days ago and my fellow Brit Revelling in our new fangle found cosmic Brexit befriendimization. It's the former European niche Kumar. Hello Andy, hello Alice, hello bugleers. Happy new year and more importantly, happy new bugle. I have started the year in the way that I mean to go on with it Andy, by which I mean Nigel Farage has got the hump with me. We are the new year is four days old and I've already wound up Nigel Farage.

I appeared on a talk show in Britain hosted by Graham Norton called the Graham Norton show, unsurprisingly, on New Year's Eve. And due to an unfortunate timing in the edit, Due to an unfortunate timing in the edit at 11pm exactly as the UK left the European Union, I was on BBC One making some jokes about Brexit and Faraday has got the hump because I described him if I might quote from the Daily Mail article describing the events as a sack of ham bought to life by a witch's curse whose blood type is real ale and Nigel has received those comments. Exactly as Paulie is, you might have anticipated. He's got a very upset with me. Another piece of news at the moment Andy is that the current Doctor Who is likely to step down at the end of her tenure. At the end of this series will be the end of her tenure as the Doctor.

And what I would suggest is, if the BBC really wants to irritate live sections of this country, name me as the new Doctor Who. Can I act? Of course not. I absolutely, under no circumstances, can I act? Of course not. I absolutely, under no circumstances, can I act. I have played myself once and it was a struggle. But if you really want to cheese off a section, let me start the campaign now for me to be named as the new doctor, Doctor Huma.

Thank you. Well, I'd vote for that. I'm assuming it's going to be put to the public now that we've reclaimed a democracy from Brussels. Because Brussels, you know, Brussels was responsible for making Silvesta McCoy, Dr. Huma, back back in the day. That's a fact. It was a European parliament decision. Well, Nisha, I for one, I'm deeply invested in this long-running frenemies to lovers,

will they won't they epic where you both sort of, you know, fight each other, but secretly you love each other. We are recording on the 4th of January 2021, meaning it is 2020 years exactly since the 4th of January 1 A.D. in the moment when Mary famously said, please Joseph, can you take him for just an hour or so until sunrise I'm absolutely knackered to which Joseph responded, not my kid, not my problem. Does that merstuff, not the little blighter out anyway? On this day in 1903, Topsy, an elephant, was electrocuted at Lunapark, Coney Island,

and it was filmed by the Edison Film Company in a film entitled, Electrocuting and Elephant. And I mean, it is true. I've either seen the film of Topsy, the elephant being electrocuted in 1903. I have not. And I have seen a still image of the film that I was being sort of invited to click on.

And I've used that on a clickbait from 1903, sensational. Hashtag spoiler alert. I knew what was going to happen. Yeah, and I haven't seen it because I'm not in the business of watching 100 year old animal based snuff movies, Andrew. It's what inspired the young David Attenborough, apparently. I have seen the Gritty reboot. Well, it is said up for zombie sequel.

More like a really bigger elephant. That's zombie elephant sequel. But I began, way back, 117 years ago, now I began a great human tradition of filming weird shit that really doesn't need to be filmed. And you can trace the direct lineage from that down to such productions as Smurfs 2. And also, you know, cats being surprised by cucumbers, it's very much the direct descendent of elephant surprised by being treated like a death row inmate for the crime of having tusks with being an elephant of fourth thought. As always, a section of this New Year bugle is going straight in the bin and this week

in the bin New Year's resolutions. Every 1st of January, 7 billion old human set themselves apart from all the other creatures on God's not particularly good earth. And challenge themselves with New Year's resolutions, targets for self improvement and personal achievable progressions that in an estimated 99.94% of cases end in one or more of failure, forgottenness or full-scale futility exceeding abandonment, the 3Fs, which coincidentally is a secret code used by the British Secret Services when referring to operations to safeguard the Prime Minister, the Foreign Secretary, and the Home Secretary, the three Fs. At previous New Year's resolutions that have failed to be met include my New Year's resolution to sort out a proper Andy's ultimate website, Owen 20 on that one. My New Year's resolution to take

over the world and usher in a new global era of peace, harmony and progression, also over 20, but it is very much dependent on me getting the website sorted out first. It's really hard to take over the world without a strong online presence, and also my new year's resolution to kick my big game hunting habit, which is tricky, so haven't got one yet, so it's a bit hard to shake. So given that resolutions always fail, we have for you Bugle New Year's, irresolutions, things for you to just give up on without even really making any effort to achieve in the first place. Here's an Irresolution for you. Take less exercise. Think about exercising five times a week, but only actually do it a maximum of one time a week, and that includes a briskish

walk to the nearest boo shop. Don't bother catching up with old friends. That's a good irresolution to make. What's the point? No one's got anything positive to say these days. Drink less? drink less Well drink less water Buy more pointless stuff to clutter up your home just to distract you from the gloom of reality Maybe another giant wooden duck. I've got a spare one if anyone needs and give up all hope by February And then wave it even on that and suffer mild outbreaks of unjustified optimism throughout March and also a final irresolution

Don't learn to understand ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs. It would be interesting justified optimism throughout March. And also, final resolution, don't learn to understand ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs. It would be interesting, but what's the fucking point? Anything that you guys are determined not to bother doing as your new years in resolution this year? I mean, my new years' resolution was to say yes to more stuff and also to say no to more stuff. Right.

So if I can do both of those at the same time, very easy. Well, someone that's quite an Australian thing isn't it? Oh, yeah, no. That's um, you know. It's quite easy one to achieve down there. Nish, anything that you've not set your eyes on? I think this could be the year that I finally don't learn Mandarin Andy. I've got a really good feeling about 2021, finally big of the year.

I don't learn how to speak fluent Mandarin. I met a lady and I asked her what her job was and she said her job was Mandarin translator. And I said that's easy, it's sort of like an orange. And she didn't get it She was not happy And I've just been to Andy Zultzman.co.uk Chris and I've just been doing exactly the same thing. There's got my tour dates from about 2015 on it?

It's got it all. I mean, it's got shows you're no longer a part of. 2018 tour. It's got the podcast is on a platform that you can no longer listen to it all. All right. Okay. It's wonderful. I'll put it on the stage.

It's really wonderful. It's just, I've been so busy with the last 11 months just jetting around the world barely at a moment at home on my own to sort these things out. I'm extremely excited about your 2018 tour. Well, it was a good tour next year. You're right to be excited about it. Yeah, very excited. It's Satris for Hire and I'm going to be you, Bailey, get a satirical suggestion of you satirising your own website. Do you want, I think I've had that requested numerous times before.

I've just signed up to your Carrie-Apigeon mail drop route. All right, good. Yeah, yeah, wear goggles. That section in the bin. Where goggles? That section in the bin. Top story this week, left overs from 2020, due to time constraints. We didn't quite finish everything we planned to get through in our review of 2020 show, possibly because the year was so jam packed full of shit that we couldn't Compact it all down into a single 90-minute disc of uselessness

It there was there was a lot that we were planning to plan to have an interview with the covid virus a world exclusive that That sadly was shelved and now the virus is a bit too busy still no real clear idea what its motivations are Wanted to talk to about how it views its year Still no real clear idea what its motivations are. Wanted to talk to about how it views its year in the limelight what its future plans are and what it now makes of the new mutant tribute viruses that are popped out of late. The best of which of course is the British virus,

the British mutant virus. Go with the G-B. This is what Brexit enabled us to do to create the world's best mutant virus. way better than the South African mutant virus which is ostentatiously contagious the British you know, it's way way more efficient than the traditional

OG virus I believe youngsters call it but Just more British. It's just gets things done in a much more polite and organized manner. So no infy with the virus. A various other things we were hoping to get round to, but didn't niche. What took us through the things that you were planning to talk about last week as we look back on last year and we because we needed to finally tot up exactly what last year scored before comparing it against the start of this year. Well Andy one of the things that I wanted to highlight is this

is sort of multifaceted it's a complex organism when you're considering the failure of the British governmental response to coronavirus. There's a number of levels of which you can expect. It's like the film Inception Andy. It's failure contained within failure contained within failure. And one of the elements, one of the slightly, I would say unsung heroes of the British government's total f***ing up of the coronavirus response is its corruption, which has sort of slightly got unnoticed in this country but didn't go unnoticed by the New York Times who stuck their goddamn American noses into our business. Well, they conducted a quite

large investigation into about 1,200 central government contracts that were made public, that had been handed out to various companies to provide various services for the coronavirus response, including to providing protective equipment for hospital workers. Put together those 1,200 contracts were worth nearly 22 billion US dollars. Now, of that 22 billion, I mean, first of all, let's not be around the bush. That's not chump change. Okay. That's not exactly 22 billion dollars.

Even I, with my BBC wage, can admit, that is a f*** of a lot of money. Of that 22 billion, about 11 billion dollars went to companies either run by friends and associates of politicians in the conservative party or Companies with no prior experience of Response responding to medical pandemics or companies with a history of controversy and it really reminds me of My favorite Frank Sinatra song and it goes a little something like this. It's only corruption if it's not

Why people? And it goes a little something like this. It's only corruption if it's not. White people. Interesting. Interesting number from old blue eyes there. Let's face it, if this was a different country, we'd be throwing around borderline racist phrases like banana republic. But it being Britain, all this is evidence of is our post Brexit future where we will be conducting business without the red tape of laws.

And the problem is, it's a sweet taste of freedom. The problem with this is that it wouldn't have mattered in some ways, at least in the short term. I mean, there's a longer term impact on the health of the body politic of this nation. But in the short term, it might not have mattered so much if the response had been effective. And people hadn't, and again,

this is me using some legal terminology, been so fucking dead. People have been marginally less fucking dead. We might not have been, this might not have been something that's so concerning. But there's no doubt that this country has totally fucked its coronavirus response. And a part of it has to come down to the fact

that contracts have been handed out around the dinner table at various supper clubs in West London. And my concern now, as we move into 2021, is obviously the hope for this country really at this point is the vaccine We have no other hope for us being this coronavirus. There's no sense of us managing this pandemic. It's all about the vaccine Can we not just wave the magnet car to at it? Well, we actually have tried that. We tried waving the magnet car to at it We tried pointing at a picture of Winston Churchill aggressively, and we've tried singing Vera Lynn.

And so far, the goddamn non-British virus has refused to cooperate with any of those British tactics. But my concern is now with the vaccine rollout, the government is going to hand out a contract for the vaccine to an MP's neighbor's nephew, who's then going to drop all the vaccines, and yet somehow inexplicably win the contract to clean up the now useless vaccines and smart containers. Well, I mean, that's, you know, that's, you know,

in many ways, this is what we voted for in 2016 with, you know, the freedom to f**king up on our own terms. I mean, essentially, this illustrates, Nish, is how, you know, 45 years of being part of the EU has softened us as a nation to the extent where we can't be corrupt efficiently. And we need to rebuild that corruption to the levels that we had back in our glory days.

Because for too long Brussels has been making us, corruption to the levels that we had back in our glory days. Because for too long, Brussels has been making us pretend to go by some regulations. And that's, we've lost our edge. If we've been in an independent country all this time, not only would the corruption have been worth twice the amount you said, billions and billions of pounds, but we would also have cured not just COVID, but all known diseases already.

So I think this just justifies those multiple votes that I placed back in 2016 and favour of Henry VIII. Well just quickly on Brexit, we've had, well, it is the fourth of January now, so a few days now, the agreement having been signed in the early days of its journey into Stellar Freedom. I mean, it's an interesting deal. A trade deal that means that we trade less, and unleashing a freedom in the unconventional form of restricting our freedoms, horizons and possibilities, are taking back of control by a parliament philosophically incapable of exercising control, an arrest duration of democracy overseen by a government

that treats democracy like an unwanted Christmas sex doll. It's a, it's a, how many strange, strange exciting times? Yeah, it's very strange, exciting times. Yeah, it's very strange, exciting times and the consequences of Brexit are already hitting home for my family, for example. I just before we started recording, I received a string of text messages from my brother, who was just arrived at back where he lives in Berlin. And he has just had to queue for the first time. He's a German resident but he's had to queue for the first time through the non-EU passport queue. And I got a text from him that really sums up the entire process. It was just three words,

so f***ing embarrassing. Which I think is the translation of Oi Swaki, Melly Pals. And we have that, you know, it was part of it, it was to get control back to the mother of all parliaments. And if indeed our parliament is the mother of all parliaments, it is a very old mother, old deranged, sitting in a rocking chair by a curtained window mumbling something about how burn it still loves her. Yeah, either that or it's a mother from a Greek play who ends up f***ing her son. Family show. So was the play.

Alice, what further delights from 2020 took your attention? Well, I think what further delights from 2020 are going to continue to have repercussions through 2021 is probably the theme of 2021 so far. I think everyone secretly had their fingers crossed that it would be a clean slate do-over moment when in fact 2021 is just the same thing. moment when in fact 2021 is just the same thing. More so. More disappointingly so because we had a brief window of completely unfounded hope that these massive epic movements of economies and people would stop and take a break and maybe think about what they'd done and go for a run and eat clean for a few days. Yeah, well I did my best, Alice. Yesterday I made way too much vegetable soup with our leftover Christmas vegetables. So I had to put some in the freezer. So I put it in a pot

and I put a little bit of tape on it and I wrote vegetable soup, third January 2020. And unwittingly I thought, oh no no that's the wrong year. I tell you what what I'll do is I'll see if it's magic soup and if time has indeed gone back to this time last year but sadly it was passing it based super rather magic based soup so I can only apologize. Maybe I when I get it out of the freezer, it will reactivate. 20, you can do the last post all over again. Andy, you making too much food is not a new development. Yeah, I've been to Zoltzman Christmas before. That is not a

new color. The color has been soup, but made with ham stock. So just in case you're thinking of my vegetable soup and gone kosher. No, not prepared to cross the bridge. Andy, you're so committed to upsetting your forefathers that you're even injecting ham into places it does not belong. Wow. You're doing bacon flavored chewing gum now. Oh, that's a good idea.

Um, but the... Oh. 2020 was a real year for culture. So I think it's worthwhile covering it. If by culture you mean people at home watching other people at home and I do, never before have we been able to perv on our exhibitionistic neighbors

around the world with such ease via Twitch, YouTube, TikTok and Instagram, like a consensual live version of Rhea Window. In a long time since I watched that film, but I think this is very sexy. Last year, reaction videos showing reactions to reaction videos ended up causing a nasty Doppler effect where everyone on Earth was simultaneously defending themselves from accusations of insensitivity and at the same time thanking their fans. On the flip side of that, cinemas took a big hit with everyone's vague feelings that sitting in a carpet chair full of historical farts wasn't exactly the pinnacle of COVID safety and that crystallized into a brutally stressful binge watching habit around the

world that is, nonetheless, the only thing hiding most people's fragile relationships together shared taste in Netflix is the glue and let's say the kind of glue that you use to put a post at No Don't A Wall. Seriously, I don't know why cinemas have survived for so long. They are like wet look hair gel. The moment you stop using it you realize it was a terrible idea all along. Whoever wanted to go to the cinema except to justify eating decades old popcorn from a cardboard bucket whose size was always a prank that was never meant to be taken seriously. No one is ever meant to look at that bucket and go, oh yeah, I'll try. Anyway.

That's good to hear, Alex. I've always liked on the bugle to have co-hosts who in their different ways are very against cinema thriving and you know John went about it one way with his Well reluctant though. I am to offend Tom Cruise who's made his mission to bring that big screens I Feel like that could be compensatory in the same way that often men of his size like big cars and We've we've learned this year from culture that despite tabloid press blowing up crazy stories of celebrities that play up these celebrities' bad judgments, all we needed to

prove that there's no way you could make celebrities appear more off the planet than they are was what like three weeks, like three weeks without their handlers before Madonna was in a milk bath. three weeks, like three weeks without their handlers before Madonna was in a milk bath. And now, you know, without their management half of Hollywood is wrapping half-baked opinions about complex political matters that they found in YouTube rabbit holes and brought out to the light of their billions of fans. Critical thinking and discernment might not literally be inversely correlated with visible or six packs, but I'm just saying most Hollywood actors don't edit scripts. You know, like they're not chosen.

They're just their job is to say stupid things like they mean them. Anyway. Well, for me, I think culturally in 2021, the big race, the big cultural race is going to be to create a sculpture that can never be toppled, whether that's physically with a spring-loaded anti-topple sculpture that will just bounce back to upright, or a sculpture that no one could possibly ever take offense to. And I think maybe in London again, we were ahead of the game with the empty plinth in Trafalgar Square. I mean, that's basically the only statue

that can't at some point piss someone off, is just a... I'm pretty sure that pissed some people off. Can't even statue any more any day. Can't even stretch you anymore. Sport, I'm going to have a quick look back at the year in sport in 2020. And frankly, it was shit. Sport had a really shit year, but it's still way better than reality. Sport proved once again its immutable superiority over the real world. And for a while there was this harrowing vacuum of

sport, which made you think, what was the point of fighting all those world wars, what was the point of the development of civilized? What was the point of even climbing out of the sea to evalute in the first place if we could not watch competitive sport? I mean, that's essentially why evolution began, was that fish had got bored of watching Swimming which is quite a limited spectators bought with ultimate spectacris There's a keen triathlete. I mean, it's not the most it's not the most exciting phase of the triathlon the swimming But and when triathlons not the most exciting Yeah, look anyway. anyway look it's great what

you do but this was that my sporting highlight of the year and I was very lucky to get to go and watch a lot of cricket in my parallel my own parallel universe as a cricket statistician for the BBC but my sporting highlight of the year was an Egon Spoon Race in my next door neighbors garden when they were having a birthday party and they had an Egon Spoon Race up and down there sort of ten yards, London garden and I just happened to be coming out the house and could see over the fence and it was the first competitive sport I had seen in months and it just lifted my soul. I thought, oh, this is the first glimmer of hope that some form of normality can resume. So that was, you

know, at the start of last year, I did not think that watching my neighbours have an egg and spoon race would be a genuine highlight of my year, but that is how indeed it turned out. Who would you be? And you're slightly slightly underselling your experience with cricket in 2020. You didn't just watch cricket, you lived in cricket. There was a period in the summer, where Buda was very recall, and he was living in a hotel in a cricket ground, bubbling with the very sport he loved so dearly.

You were basically like Tom Hanks in the terminal, where your nation had been and just ceased to exist and you'd become a citizen of pure cricket. And what a world, what a world that was. But it's like Tom Cruise in Terminal if Tom Cruise in Terminal was a massive aviation buff. Nick, obviously as the Bugles Indian Farming protest correspondent, or one of our two Indian farming protest correspondents that we have on the roster, 2020 was quite an interesting, a busy year for you in that role. Yes, it was. I mean, it was a controversial appointment when the Beagle Newsroom allocated me this beat and not the several actual Indians that the Beagle has on staff.

But, you know, it's a role that I've taken very seriously. Yeah, it's been a, it's been another complicated year for the Indian government, a government that very much puts the AAAAA in to India. The big issue on aware, there's been a string of large-scale farming protests in India due to some new laws that were introduced in September under the sort of overall banner of the Model Farming Act. Now a lot of in-dispopulation are rural workers and so there's a huge amount of pressure on the government to deliver for them because of the increasing issue of farmers losing money. Now these new laws are designed, the government claims to make any money a little bit easier for farmers.

But the concern is that it actually opens Indian farmers up to the free market and could lead to their prices being undercut and could lead to more wage losses. Now, so obviously that's inspired a string of protest across the country. The government has responded, or I guess in a way that a lot of governments respond by claiming that a lot of the farmers claims are fake news and misinformation and has also responded by having some pretty heavy handed tactics by the police. And what I say heavy handed, I mean the giant gloved hand of Thanos from the Avengers movies. It's not been a particularly edifying spectacle. There is some positive hope from 4th of January, which is today as we record, the government is supposed to be meeting with representatives from the Farmers Union in the hope that, in the hope that there will be some resolution to this situation.

But what this really means is, in terms of incompetent, cack-handed governmental responses in 2020, it really, the final of those, that competition really is the Nishkumar Derby. It's, it's India versus England. The country of my family's birth versus the country of my birth. Who is going to pull away in this semi-final before the obvious final with the other uncontested competitor of the United States of America. I'm sure you got one. And it's not like that, is it? This is more like America was so far different than it set up its own sport. And the other says, we've got a kind of cricket baseball dichotomy here.

America's just off the check. I can't compete with anyone else. It's not even seeking to compete with anyone else. Yeah, it's the world series of incompetent governance. For Beagleys who aren't aware, the 1980s, a British politician called Norman Tebbit, introduced something called the Tebbit Test, which was designed to establish the loyalty of British Asians

by determining which team they supported out of India and England. And they're actually using that as the COVID test in a lot of schools. Yeah. Just. Yeah. In terms of the tablet test and this competition, I'll say my answer is the same as the tablet test in cricket.

I support whichever one is winning. And so, and anyone who says otherwise is a pod pod my French, can you do it? You don't, it's being very good French. It's not what I would call tray good. We don't need to. Yeah, exactly.

Come. A rendezvous is going to go back to be calling, being called a good old-fashioned British meet-up with some. But in terms of the, who's actually going to win this decisive of India versus England, governmental incompetence competition, I believe the country of my birth may have finally pulled ahead. Because the Labour MP Tamarjit Singh Desi actually asked Boris Johnson a question at Prime Minister's question time about the Indian farming protest. Because a number of MPs are trying to get the British government via the Foreign Secretary

Dominic Rob to pressure the Indian government into changing its tactics for how it handles protests in the future. So Tamaget Singh Desi asked Boris Johnson about the Indian farming protest and whether the British government would be committed to helping the protesters be protest and whether the British government would be committed to helping the protestors be treated fairly by the government. Boris Johnson responded by saying this, our view is that of course we have serious concerns about what is happening between India and Pakistan, but these are preemanately matters for those two governments to settle.

Now, I don't know how Pakistan has made it into that sense. Are our relations between the two countries much like the foods of the two regions spicy as all hell? Yes they are. Do Pakistan have anything whatsoever to do with the current farming protests in India? No, they're f***ing dumb. This is a concerning for the Prime Minister and let's remember the former Foreign Secretary of the United Kingdom.

Either our Prime Minister is a class A f***ing quit or it. Or Boris Johnson. What's it? Or Boris Johnson, and in many ways this is as likely as the first hypothetical I've set up. It may be that Boris Johnson simply refuses to recognize the partition of India and Indian independence. That could be all part of Brexit as well, isn't it? It's taking us back, taking us back through history. I thought I was starting to think I see Boris Johnson's, I don't know, we watched the film Tenet the other day. And I don't know, there's something

about things going backwards and forwards in time and at the same time. And it's not going to end well. That's all I think Brexit is basically a subplot of tenet somehow. In that it is completely incomprehensible and not really what it's suggested it was going to be in the trailer. Time travel means time travel Andy. I'm going to explain it any more clearly. travel Andy. Well that wraps up 2020 and the official final school for 2020 is zero, zero out of whatever you want it to be out of. So let's see if 2021 can beat it with our official review of 2021 so far. Here in Britain we are, well, coming up to 85 hours into 2021 as we recall, we've touched on Brexit so far Australia, heading up towards the crucial 100-hour mark, always a key landmark in any year. And well, a lot of excitement, Alice, because everything has changed in Australia

because right at the end of last year your national anthem changed. Yes the Australians all let us rejoice National Anthem which narrowly want to vote against Walting Matilda for our National Anthem back in the day and he's generally recognized to be quite a bad and boring National Anthem. He's going to have one word changed. For those of you who are not familiar with the Australian national anthem, the word is young and free. It's going to be changed to one and free in order to avoid offending the old. No, in fact it's in order to avoid offending the people who are here for 80,000 years and might resent being called a young culture. So I decided to change this one word as a gesture of inclusiveness towards Aboriginal and Torres

Straight Island people. And look, I don't know if you've heard the Australian National Anthem, but I don't think that's the only word that would have, I mean it goes Australians or let us rejoice for we are one and free with golden soil and wealth for toil. Our land is good by sea. Okay, good is the word that I have an issue with here. Good is never used in any other context, in any other place. It's like Tiz at Christmas time. It's just a it's an out-of-date word. It is only ever used in this contact. And I look at just as there's so much in the national anthem that I would change beginning with the tune and going on to almost every that there is an Australian national anthem that was basically written by white people for white people and that it's taken them so long to change just one word

feels like any change that we have regarding, for example, a treaty with the indigenous people is going to be incremental, indeed, if that is being written one word at a time. Maybe if we edit the Australian National Anthem enough, it'll become a treaty eventually. Well, of course, we in Britain, we changed a word of the National Anthem back in 1952,

King with Ken Queen. Our land abounds with nature's gifts of beauty, rich and rare. Why are we selling them to the Chinese all the time then? Hahaha. Now, of course, rich and rare. Why are we selling them to the Chinese all the time then? Now of course, we're in the UK, we're not really in the position to give national anthem advice. Not since we caved to the PC lobby in 1952, you were looted to him. Absolutely unbelievable. You can't, you know what, you can't fucking say anything these days. And as I've said before, we're asking the wrong person,

God, a deity whose recent performance has been at best questionable, to save someone who already has supreme medical care and security detail. If only we've been asking God to save our flickeringly intermittent and elusive resents of national cohesion or our school playing fields or our pretence at having an evenly vaguely moral political system or even our pubs. Then, yeah, we might be in a better position. The Queen, she's OK.

She's going on when it comes to saving herself and being saved by medicine, as I said, security and magic spangly hats. Some suggestions have been made that we could update our national anthem as well to I wish it could be Brexit every day, my humps, or you can stick your decades of peace and prosperity up your European arses. Just think there's an early Lonnie Donogon skiffle number from the 60s. I'm always impressed even when a song like My Humps has landed on your culture radar, Andrew.

I'm always fascinated to know the backstory of how you, the Black Eyed Peas, are something that is registered on your radar. All right. Well, you never heard the non-broadcast pilot of the Bugle, it was a very different show. That song is 16 years old. Is it? Oh wow. Right. Okay, it all makes more sense now.

Right. It's old enough to get married to a old Woody Guthrie song now. Not saying it's right. It's just lethal. Bit of an age difference though, Andrew. married to a Woody Guthrie song now. Not saying it's a boy, it's lethal. Bit of an age difference though, Andrew. Bit of a contagious age difference between my humps and this land is your land.

Mm-hmm. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP B scoring 0.1, making it the greatest year of the decade so far. Stay tuned to the Bugle for the next 12 months to see if it can hang on. So that lead, it could be a real nail bite, so judging the way it started. Thank you very much for listening, Bugleers. If you missed the end of year review show, we will be making it available when Chris, a couple of weeks time also. Yeah, it'll be four weeks after it went up. So yeah, the end of Jen. Thanks, those who did tune in.

I hope you enjoyed it. And we'll should hopefully use more live shows during this year. And even in person, hopefully if at some point within the next decade. Thanks to Nish and Alice, any shows to plug? I mean, go back and listen to the last post. It's on Amazon Prime. I have a podcast called Tee with Alice that I'm going to try and do more regularly again.

I think if you live in the UK, you can see an hour of me do stand up on Prime Video. That's, no, you definitely can. In the UK, on Amazon Prime, you can see an hour of me do stand up on Prime Video. That's, no, you definitely can. In the UK, on Amazon Prime, you can see an hour of me do stand up, line from the so-how theatre, and let's face it, you can see it if you live in different countries, because, as I said before, and I'll say again, the'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that.

I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. wireless or download it as you prefer. Thank you for listening, we'll be back next week

with Bugle 4179, I don't believe I gave the number for this one but I'm not sure anything leads numbers anymore and we will play you out as always with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them or to make a one-off or occurring donation to the show, go to thebugelpodcast.com and click the donate button. donation to the show go to thebugelpodcast.com and click the donate button. When attempting to attach a poster to a wall, Claire Swift was struck by a quite revolutionary idea. Eureka, she exclaimed, Staple guns, they can indeed save the planet, a modified firearm that can fire staple foods

at people who need the most, could be just what the UN needs, turning the destructivity of the weapons trade into a positive benefit for all humanity. High-speed snacks. Now, it's just a design and health and safety issue, this is a sure-fire winner concludes Claire. Colin Baird likes Claire's idea but would instantly look to upscale it. I'd go straight to a long-range intercontinental ballistic pasta cannon that can be speedily adapted to do rice or potatoes depending on the weather and to make sure people get a balanced diet. Colin concedes, I'm not a logistics person, someone else can do that side of things,

and anyway, I'm already planning up my Bologna's source missile. Richard Lambert has developed a computer program to write a classical opera in the style of Giuseppe Verdi about the story of how the rock band that who wrote the rock opera Tommy. I just wanted to see what happened when opera styles clashed explains Richard. In the end though he adds, my special keyboard just churned out some brass band music accompanied by someone singing about Roger Doltry having an affair with Violetta out of Latra Vieta, which are gifts about averages out musically. On the subject of brass band music, Simon Haines was surprised by the number of trumpets,

trombones and tubers involved when he was finally dragged along to his first brass band concert. I'd always thought it was brass band, as in brass prohibited, rather than brass basically compulsory, amid Simon. I am now filled with regret for cheating my trumpet-loving soul of a lifetime of happiness. And finally, Boris Yelnikov is rightly proud of his name, and has been known to break the conversational ice by claiming that he is Count Boris Yelnikov, the hero of a lost sci-fi novel by the 19th century Russian literature star Fyodor Dostoevsky entitled The Ice King from Outer Space. It's obviously a lie at Mitsboris, but it certainly helps get the chat

going in the queue at a coffee shop, order an awkwardly silent wedding, a tense poker evening, or even a high-level job interview. Here end if the lies. Goodbye. Bye.