The Bugle - Who's The Least Democratic Of Them All?

Episode Date: March 10, 2008

The 20th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danc pioneering audio newspaper. For the week beginning Monday, March 10th, 2008. With me and his ultraman in London and in New York City,

an ill, John Oliver. John, exactly how ill are you? I-I think I'm dying Andy. Can you make it through the podcast? Well, I can't guarantee it. But it's seen as this could be the last time we speak to each other. Is there anything you'd like to say to me? Have you still got my pen that I left in your flat when I was in New York? Really? That's it.

All the things that we've been through Andy. And it's the pen you want to say. A pen's a pen, John. Yeah, that's true. You've been ill, haven't you, anyway? It's during a bugle. So, who has the best immune system? It's still about one or all, I think.

I'm ill or now than you've ever been. That is possibly true. So, what we're asking you, bugle listeners, can you diagnose John's illness? He hasn't been the CEO doctor, he's just been sitting in his flat, winging to himself. What is wrong with John? Do email to emailing your diagnosis and suggested treatment. I'll give you a hint, everything's wrong with me, everything. I have all symptoms. So just from John's vocal body language, can you tell what's wrong with him? Which ever

illness gets the most votes is what John's got, or if it isn't, I'll get a doctor friend of mine to inject him with it anyway. That is how democracy works. So do try and soldier through John, as always some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin. This week a celebrity military travel supplement, following in the footsteps of Hannibal and the Carthaginians, Eric Clapton tries to herd elephants across the Alps, leading to traffic chaos, an animal-drawdy conviction and an elephant crashing into his shallow while snowboarding. And new coach Joe Girardi puts on his Napoleon hat and makes the New York Yankees march to Moscow in the middle of winter.

Also in the bin, to mark the repeal of the blasphemy laws in Britain, the bugle presents the first in our series of free pieces of blasphemy, with which we will be teasing all the world's major gods. Week one, Zeus. Here it is. Zeus, you're a real winner, I wouldn't worship you if you turned yourself into a swan and Slobogled me Yeah, what what what on earth does that mean it's an old Greek term is the only language he understands Top story this week and democracy is Everywhere democracy shoots have been sprouting out across the globe this week. Democracy is blooming Andy and it's time for it to be fully pollinated.

In Russia, in a result which shocked absolutely nobody, Demetri Medvyy-Deef, won a landslide victory in Russia's presidential election. He says that he hopes to work in an effective tandem with Vladimir Putin. But make no mistake, Putin sees Medvyy- Medvedev as sitting very much on the back of that tandem bike. Putin will be doing the steering. Medvedev will be doing the unsoppeddling work. Good throwing in some extra wise into his name, Lechon.

Yeah, I think that's how you pronounce it, though. Is it not Medvedev? I think it's Medvedev. Is it? I think it is. The tennis player was mad vidiv. But it's hard to say. I think it's mad vidiv. Because I think you have to say it deeper than you were saying it. You've got to put on the Russian accent. Yeah, it's almost impossible to say unless you say it in a Russian accent. It's mad vidiv is very stubborn. Mirdviy Adev. It's much easier to pronounce Russian names after drinking a bottle of vodka.

Medviy Adev. My name is Dimitri Medviy Adev. There you go. We're learning a new language. It's also a voice you can do while you're ill as well. My name is Dimitri Medviy Adev. I am not ill, not at all ill. As John said, the outgoing president Vladimir Putin won a landslide victory in the election

standing under the pseudonym of the Meetri Medvedev. Putin romped to a massive win and said he was delighted to have the chance to work with the new prime minister Vladimir Putin. Putin said he'd always dreamed of working with Putin, was honoured to have the chance. Putin, meanwhile, welcomed Putin to the Kremlin and said he was a worthy successor to himself. Putin thanked himself and said he would be his own man. It's not Vladimir Putin in charge anymore, he said. It's Vladimir Putin. There were reports of widespread irregularities, surprise of prize, plus some bizarre incentives. They were handing out baseball caps to first-time voters

as they were concerned that a low voter turnout would draw criticism from other members of the G8. There was also cheap food stalls in all polling stations. That is just what the ancient Greeks had in mind when they invented democracy and the cheap food and baseball caps. And probably a bit of nude wrestling as well. What a system. The communist candidate Ganadi Zuganov won the silver medal with 17% of the vote. That's some way behind the Putin Medvedev 70% and Zuganov complained the election was unfair. Now, Baron Mann, he is the communist candidate. It's presumably at that point someone gave him an illustrated history of the Soviet Union having written

on the inside, Digg and Ardi, what was it that you thought was unfair again? Well done for coming second. So who is this new world leader that we're all about to enjoy? mid the adieu is Here's a facts about him. He's actually a huge fan of deep purple who plays is true Who played the Kremlin on his instigation in February this year? He became a massive fan of British 70s rock music Years and years ago for some reason I'll find that worrying. I'm not sure I want a G8 leader Humming smoke on the water for himself as he leaps through the nuclear coats.

Really, I think that's probably better than being a big fan of 80s British rock. That's true. Yeah, because you've seen the positive. That's right. I just think Deaf Leppard's music contains coded incentives to start a nuclear war. Is that another band that signifies your music taste as a child? To be honest, my brother was more into the leopard than me. But, you know, I can do a bit of leopard every now and again.

What a household that must have been. So what is it that counts for Vladimir Putin's extraordinary popularity? He has got an 80% approval rating in the opinion polls. Has the kind of numbers that other leaders around the world can only dream of and quite a remarkable achievement even for a man with a vice-like grip on his nation's media? So what do you think it is about Vladimir John that really gets so Russian people excited? Well I mean he's got all the necessary ingredients, he's got complete control of the national press, he has access to a very aggressive secret police. I mean, yes, they like him, but they have to like him

and deep down, I think they know on respect that. I think maybe also, it could be simply that Putin, whose grandfather incidentally was Lenin and Stalin's chef, how many of us can claim to have done that. Is that true? That is true, John. I know I do lie a lot, that is. Well, that's a problem. Yeah, I don't know where the two thins and the lies begin. Yeah, he's grandfather cooked sausages for Lenin.

But Putin used to work for the KGB and he does look like the kind of man who had it been born 50 or so years earlier would have nodded and said yes Stalin before walking purposefully out of the room and looking at a train time table. Apparently Putin still sleeps with a cuddly toy of a bee under his pillow, which he calls KG, and who he pretends is KG. Maybe a certain of nostalgia as well, John, for a Putin's quirky autocratic way. Just remind people of the time when the cold war was the best sitcom on well television. Or with a slightly repetitive plot structure of, I'm going to throw a nuclear bomb at you. No, I'm going to throw a nuclear bomb at you. GUR, GUR. Oh, neither of us really means it. So I think people

hanker for those days. And maybe they just admire the straight talking way that he has with the press. He responded to recent accusations that he is in fact the richest man in Europe on the back of exploiting his country's resources. Vlad replied, this is plain Bosch. They have picked this in their noses and have smeared this across their pieces of paper. Now that is how to deal with the media. That should be entry one in how to respond to the media for all Western politicians. Don't just pussy foot around saying, trust me, I'm nice. Go in two footed. I don't care where the accusation is true or not. I want to see these politicians that I pay for financially

and spiritually reply to a newspaper allegation by saying, where did you get this information? Oh, I know. It fell out of a passing C-Gulls' arse, and you'd read it off your car windscreen before making your dog eat the entire windscreen and forcing it to vomit it straight back up into your notebook. Good research, Bernstein. That's what I want to see, John. We can build a better world.

Yeah, you're right. That will make it a lot easier to swallow. the better world. Yeah, you're right. That will make it a lot easier to swallow. It's not just in Russia that democracy has been waving its tentacles around. In America, it's all been kicking off, John. What a week for American democracy. It's been getting a bit nasty on the democratic side. Henry Clinton ran an ad vote which seemed to suggest that Barra Cabama will snatch your children from their beds as they sleep just because he's a bit inexperienced. Well, that's right.

I mean, she's had quite a comeback. Her campaign recently had a priest following around, ready to issue it the last right, but it has spluttered back to life. Rebound success has been chalked down to a series of attackers, one surrounding a telephone, saying it's 3 a.m. in the White House, the phone is ringing, who do you want to answer it? I tell you who I want to answer that phone, and a secretary, an employed secretary,

or some kind of switchboard operator. I don't want a president manning the phones. They have far more important work to do. Who's got the direct number of the president anyway? And why are they abusing it at 3 in the morning? Because this whole thing was about, your children being safe and asleep in their beds in the middle of the night. But if it's at 3am, I want someone to answer the phone in the White House who isn't going to put the phone down and then ring me straight up saying, are your children still safe and asleep? Well, you better

wake them up, Sudan's kicking off. I want them to deal with it and not not involve my sleeping children in a global catastrophe. Is that too much to ask? It's good to see a bit of old-fashioned scare mongering coming into the election campaign at last because there's been a real lack of it. So far, and that's what democracy is all about, John, enabling the public to choose which made up stories they want to be genuinely spooked by. And the Democrats can now concentrate on doing what they do best, completely destroying themselves. In this week of democracy, what reflects the democratic process better than the looming prospect of super delegates?

Just under 800 individuals with the power to vote directly against the will of the people. In Russia, it seemed that only one vote was important, that vote being Vladimir Putin. In the US, it's 794 super delegates, which makes America 794 times more democratic than Russia. And when you put it on that, it doesn't actually sound too bad. I think it's part of the reason as well why we've got excited about it in Britain, John, because we basically don't have elections anymore in Britain. The last two general elections were foregone conclusions. And the current leader, Gordon Brown, was elected after a poll in which only two people voted,

Brown and his previous as a Tony Blair, and a secret dinner, 13 years in advance. Now, understandably, that didn't really capture the public imagination. So we're kind of vicariously getting our fix of democracy through America, which is great. And also, it's only the second election since 1976, not to feature a member of the Bush family as a presidential or vice presidential candidate.

So I think the world is just trying to enjoy that while it can, because there are plenty more bushes where George W came from. That's actually breed them on a secret ranch in Texas, and the ones that don't make it are sold for scrap to the Chinese, that are an organ trade. But Bush, in fact, backed McCain, or semi-backed McCain this week, the now official Republican presidential candidate. This is the man who he said was mentally unstable after his experiences as a prison of war, and also that he fathered a black baby.

Can you really endorse someone who you've treated like that? Well, no, you can't. So he didn't. Instead, favouring a painfully awkward photo opportunity on the White House steps. And this week, Iran is voting on Friday in a general legislative election, but their campaign is only one week long. Now, surely, this is more of a justification for a military invasion than any suggested nuclear weapons program. They've got democracy, John, but they're not stringing it out long enough, and they need

to be taught a lesson. Reports have suggested that more than 90% of independent and reformers candidates in Iran have been disqualified from standing. Now, I'm sure those conducting the candidate vetting process are keeping reform minded candidates off the ballot paper for perfectly reasonable and above board reasons. maybe they're helping them spend more time with their families. Or perhaps they realise that democracy is flawed and these would be candidates might find a more rewarding hobby. We just don't know. Also posters with candidates picked on have been banned because the government says they're

wasteful and lead to a costly and boring post-election cleanup. Which is a madness. It's a great way of suppressing the will of the people. It's hard to tidy up afterwards. I appreciate that. At least make it effort. They're also planning to block internet access on polling day. That's true.

Given that, you know, just to make sure it's okay. Yeah. Well, that's pretty much it. They're quite, they're quote is that this will ensure unimpeded internet access for the government. How does other people having internet access impede their access? That's not how the internet works. Well, that's the end of our lead news section. their access. That's not how the internet works.

Well, that's the end of our lead news section. So it's time for an update on John's medical condition. John, what's the latest? Well, I'm definitely getting worse. Right. Definitely getting worse. You know, about 10 minutes ago, I think the adrenaline of actually being outside the house for the first time in a couple of days was getting me through now that adrenaline has died away and I'm on the slow slide towards oblivion. If you were offered at this stage of the recording, John, a choice of not surviving the podcast but dying before the next clue in the audio cryptic crossword, or surviving and making a full recovery, but having to listen to that clue, what would

you choose? Oh, it killed me. Kill me now. Other news now, and the British Parliament has voted not to hold the referendum on the new EU Treaty. For those who haven't been following this story, here is a summary of the Europe referendum argument. Those in favour of a referendum say that we do need a referendum. Those against the referendum hit back by saying no, we don't need a

referendum case closed. So it's pretty hard to know who to side with on this one, John, it's a very complicated issue. Well, all three political parties in Britain see America three parties it can be done. Well it can almost be done. A facing split over the issue of this referendum on the Lisbon Treaty and it just proves nothing splits people in Britain more than Europe. I think we've had a fraught relationship with Europe ever since the Romans marched in and teased us for painting our faces blue, since then there's a level of skepticism. But I love the ines that come to a full break up yet, Andy. Britain's relationship with Europe just needs some attention. What Europe has to understand is that we've been hurt before. We've got dumped pretty hard in the 50s and 60s by a series of angry colonies. But I guess John, that the anti-European side in Britain would say that the last time

they checked their history books, which was probably about five minutes ago, every time Britain's been invaded in its sparkling, sparkling history, it's been by a member of the EU, the Romans, EU, the Vikings, mostly EU, the Normans, EU, and of course Argentina, who had a crack at us in 1982, but luckily missed by 15,000 miles. Andy. Yep. Argentina was not in the EU. They're basically Spain. I can't argue with that. It's like the old song goes, Andy.

Britain and Europe sitting in a tree. A-R-G-U-I-N-G. The ones who have stayed with us like Gibraltar and the Falklands have just got progressively clingy and needy. And what do we get in return? Monkey's and penguins. That's pretty much it. Nothing we haven't already got in the middle of Regent's Park.

Is it any wonder that we're a little slow to trust anyone? Well, I think when it comes to the Euro, John, most of Britain is still very much in the no camp in a very reactionary teepee. The average British response to being asked whether or not we should take the euro is to say, when you ask me whether Britain should join the euro, what you're really asking me is whether Britain should join the Dutchmark, the answer was no in 1941, it remains no now. I don't think it's a nation we've advanced from that position. What people object to about Europe and either is the laws

they're constantly trying to push through such as urban artists must be straight, you can't feed cows to cows and prawn cocktail crisps must contain prawns with both cocks and tails. That's unreasonable. It's only fair, but honest. but how far do you think Europe intends to take over Britain? Because it does seem like they are taking over, John. There's absolutely nothing we can do about it now.

I mean, as it is, we, I think it's matter of time before we all have to phone Brussels twice a day to let them know what we're doing and when we're going to be home. But there are these rumors about all these new things they're bringing in. Apparently, Brussels are created an official single European body language, which is a combination of the Gallic shrug, the Italian prene, the Lithuanian jiggle, and the Danish twitch. I don't realise there were such twitchy people. Also apparently Brussels will insist that the ingredients of the Great British sausage will no longer be covered by the official Secrets Act. So, class bad news for the British icon, the sausage.

Well, I'll tell you the ingredients of that sausage and the Britain. Britain and awful. And also apparently the EU is paying 100,000 civil servants to conduct a study on whether or not there is too much bureaucracy in the EU. But part of the problem clearly is the language barrier across Europe and there is a simple answer to this, Esperanto. Sure, you're not going to turn to Esperanto if you want to write poetry or any great literature or indeed say anything with any kind of style.

But when you're asking for directions no one likes a poet, just draw me a map and engage me in grammatically simple small talk. And if we don't sign up Andy, if we don't sign up to this treaty we will regress to the point before the Romans invaded with hordes of tribal barbarians terrorizing town centres. Britain will become so irrelevance that it will sink. We'll be reclassified as a third world country and we'll under international law therefore be legally subjected to natural disasters such as earthquakes, tidal waves and famine.

Britain will become more and more isolated developing loan attendancies until it's a wise and old country left standing on the cliffs of Dover shouting at ships in the English Channel. We have to sign. But I think the people should decide, John, I think in fact we should have a referendum

on whether or not we should have a referendum. And I think that is the solution that will suit everyone. Yeah, that's true. That's Uber democracy. The Uber democracy. The Uber democracy. And in business news, which no one really understands, the EU fined Microsoft 1.3 billion recently. That is simply not enough for Microsoft to feel anything. You cannot possibly hurt

them financially. About five years ago when they were first order displayed, their shares went up the next day. If you really want to hurt Bill Gates, force him into a social situation. I have never met anyone more socially awkward than him, Andy, and I've met myself. Any punishment for him should be on the lines of forcefully inviting him to a dinner party. You'd really get into make concessions then. Now, you don't need me to tell you that March 8th was International Women's Day. So here at the Bugle where we are one of the only podcasts on the internet to allow women listeners, we present the Bugle Woman section.

Ooh, how delightful. It's been a great week for women. The president of Turkmenistan, Kyrban Gouuli, Burdi Muqamadov is giving a five to all women in his country to mark international women's day. The money will be handed out of a special government truck which will drive through Turkmenistan, shoving folded up banknotes furtively into women's palms whilst the PA system blasts out, there you are, sweet cheeks, go buy yourself something nice, and a mechanical arm tweaks the recipients left buttock. President Burdi Moukammadoff has also announced a government incentives to persuade women

to have at least eight children, a $250 present from the government will plop out alongside baby number eight. Just when you thought it couldn't get much worse to be a woman over there, now they're being encouraged to spit out babies like it's a competition. This is not unprecedented. The Soviet Union after World War II awarded medals to those women who had five or more children.

A medal is a lot less good than cold hard cash and there must have been a lot of youngest children with four brothers and sisters looking at their parents and saying, was for the medal wasn't it. You had me for the medal. Well I hope it was worth it. And an Iranian woman has been awarded 124,000 roses by a court. Her husband has been ordered to give his wife these 124,000 flowers, which he promised her when they got married 10 years ago. The authorities have seized possession of the man's flat until he gives all of those flowers to his wife,

which would cost him £37,000 if he buys them off the guy who stands in the middle of the A-40 in London, flogging bunches of roses to give the businessman. That is absolutely my favourite court ruling of the White Canvy. And she said that she's calling this in due to his stinginess. Not a direct quote, stinginess. It's good to know that there's a direct translation in Farsi for stinginess. See, we're not as different as we see him. The husband has offered to buy five roses a day, but the court has ordered that he give them all at once. If I was the recipient, I'd probably want the five a day, but I'm sure that the court only did this just to see at what point the donation of roses to a loved one ceases to be romantic

and tips over into being first a logistical issue and subsequently an ecological disaster. You shouldn't have darling. Well, I had to. You made me. Beauty and fashion tips now. John, what do you think is going to be in this spring? Oh, I'm guessing just standard make up and hair and clothes with bright colours and some not so bright. I don't know Andy. I've got no Andy. I think I've got no idea.

What about hemlines, John? How do you think they're going to go up or down? You mean up or down? I don't know. Maybe I'm going to say up a bit. But you're barely going to notice it. What are you doing here? We're going to more or less stick.

They're happy with where hemlines are. What are you going to be wearing this spring, John? Hemlines, just hemlines. Just hemlines. Yes, just hemlines, just hemlines, everywhere. And now for our female listeners in this special woman section, a four-step guide to how to get your makeup just right. One, make sure your lipstick does not corrode human flesh.

The last thing you want on a hot date is the searing pain of your mouth disintegrating, and it's also the last thing your date will want to have to watch. 2. If you make a mistake when putting mascara on, stay calm. Do not fly into a frenzy of rage and gouge your eyes out with an oyster knife. 3. If you want to emphasise your cheekbones, try drawing arrows on your face in marker pen, pointing at the cheekbones, and then shouting at your date, look at my cheekbones, try drawing arrows on your face in markup pen, pointing at the cheekbones, and then shouting at your date, look at my cheekbones loser, not at my norks. And four, if you want to make sure your makeup looks perfect to impress your man, try it out on a mouse first.

If the mouse starts crying, you're bang on the money. And so we don't alienate our male listeners. Here is a buglewoman quiz for men. We have here two likes and two dislikes of women. Can you tell which are which? Which are likes and which are dislikes. One, increased gender equality in society as a whole. Two, the elemental agony of Childbirth 3. The Ability to Combine a Rewarding Career and Home Life 4. The Menopause and the Slow Inevitable Decline into the Inescapable Casm of Death that it ominously foreshadows So which two do women like? And which two don't they like?

Email yourself with the answers and if you get them right you win a woman. And now bugle emails. Unfortunately John has been too ill to read your emails this week. I can't do it. I'm sorry I just couldn't do it. It was hurting my eyes. Everything hurts. Everything hurts. Are you well enough to listen to some of the emails, John? I'll try without throwing. If I'd throw up, it's not because of your email, it's because of my deep, deep illness.

Well, this email came from Matt Reynolds in Eagles Cliff in England regarding the prediction last week that you made, John, that there would be 17 animals killed around the world by roadkill this week. Matt writes, hello supporting your research into how many animals have been killed on the road this week I wish to submit the number I have seen by simply getting other bugle listeners to do the same we can quickly find out how many animals have been killed in the whole world. It's true, that's true. I have seen none.

There was a dead bird, but it was on a cycle path, so I don't think it counts. It doesn't count. So if we extrapolate Matt's findings, that means there have been no roadkill deaths in the world this week, which means that John, you won the prediction. Oh, fantastic. Who do you think that is after your cynical guessing in that competition? I'm not sure that Matt has actually been out on any roads this week. I might have to appeal the decision. That's not the point. That's not the point, is it? You can't argue with

statistics. That is true. And this email comes from Matthew Echel in Washington, DC, who writes, dear Bugle, regarding your question about arranging rematches, I'd like to see another bout between Gaius Julius Caesar and Gennius Pompey Magnus. Do you know what? Famous Civil War Pompey dealt Caesar at a feat in their first match up at Diracum, but Caesar managed to counter with a stunning upset in their second fight at Farsalis. Pompey leaving behind the remains of his destroyed army fled to Egypt to prepare for the tie break. Unfortunately, while there, he was murdered by agents

of King Tollamy the 13th. This can only be seen as a case of flagrant fan interference, depriving audiences of what could have been one of history's great title matchups. If you could see a way to setting up this epic clash, I'd be very appreciative. I understand the logistics involved in recreating the geographic, economic and political structures of early imperial Rome might be a little bit daunting, but well worth it to once and for all the question of who the true imperat all really is. Thanks Matthew. That's probably the most detailed email about the Caesar Pompey Civil War incidents. That has ever been sent in the history of the internet. Well done. Who would you fancy in that decisive match, John? I'll go with Caesar Andy. I think he's got the home court advantage there.

Well this will perk you up, John. It's Hot's from history. Oh, hold on, hold on. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now.

He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now.

He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. He's feeling better now. Who writes, did you know that the nominated hotty Joe, and the mad, who of course was Miss February, lugged her dead husband, Philip the handsome around with her for years after he died? There you go, ladies. That's proper devotion.

Apparently she was a bit odd before her husband popped his clogs, but her refusal to bury him long after he had lost his looks, confirmed to her mum and dad, Ferdinand and Isabella Raspain, her daughter was going to be a problem. I don't see anything wrong with that. I'll never put that in my will Andy. I want to be dragged around by my wife. It's the least she could do.

But this is before we had photos, John, you know, because now you just have a photo album. In those days, if you wanted to keep a keepsake, you pretty much had to keep the entire festering corpse. Yeah, exactly. Do you keep a lock of his hair or do you think, what, if I'm going to do that, I might as well keep his whole head. There's a great nominator from Mark Patt from Boston, Massachusetts, who says, Miser's, Salzman and Oliver, I would like to throw in my nomination

for what is surely the greatest hotties from history season we've seen in recent memory, with such fastidious contenders as Florence Hotlips Nightingale and Joanna Batchett in saying the mad. However, my girl is the one and only Eleanor Roosevelt, who is a real piece of great depression ass. What a sentence. But her winning personality qualities really make her.

She had the good taste to know a real man, when she saw one. Even if he was her cousin and had fashion sense shared by the penguin from Batman. She knew that, unlike that media darling Jackie Kennedy, first lady should be unattractive and supporting under their husband's dictatorial quest for supreme governmental authority and best off since she and FDR sired six children. She clearly had a few tricks on her. Push through John, push through. She clearly had a few tricks.

Obviously. I'm not sure I can. Obviously, what's on the moon? To get the wheelchair bound president talking. I can only fantasise now about how the atmosphere handles and or feeds. Oh my goodness. That is both a hilarious and a reprehensible email. Tallest first lady in history, Alan the Roosevelt. There, that's my fact. My height's fact of the day. It's interesting, there have been quite a lot of First Lady's nominated, and this

suggests to me that Americans, as a whole, are very patriotic when fancying people who are long dead. And this is proved by Ben Gaines, who writes, as one of your loyal American listeners, I've been sorely disappointed to hear that you've neglected what is, in my opinion, one of the most scorching sex kittens ever to grace God's green earth. Betsy Ross, the sweet little red-white and blue slice of apple pie who designed the American flag, is my candidate for Hottie from History. This spicy firebrand survived three husbands who know that died of exhaustion,

so the first stars and stripes to be hoisted up the nation's flag poles and raised many a flagpole herself. If you know what I mean, she put up flag poles. Yeah, that must be what he meant. Let's not read between the lines. She may have been dug up twice already to be buried with greater honors each time, but this tasty bit of historical hotness makes me wonder if the third time might not be the charm, whatever that means, with her on my mind is not my heart that I cover with my hat every time I stand for the National Anthem. Well, it will be. Well, it will be. ...Bend games from Massachusetts.

You can't write an email like that and end it with respectfully. You can't, you don't get to do that. That is, I'm convinced, that is my favourite for March. Do keep your nominations for Hotkeys from History and other emails coming into the google at timesonline.co.uk and I will round up the best of the rest. I promise in the Google blog, it will be making its long awaited return. It's just, I've been having a few arguments with the blog and it ran away for a few days last week. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But it rang just before the recording to say it's all right.

I'll just clear the air. That sounds good. OK. MUSIC Sport now, and it's that time of year when French rostrunts in Gloucestershire hold fire on their special sport until they see how many fallers there are in the 340.

It's Chalpen Festival time! And if there's one thing that's become synonymous with the Great Festival in recent years, John, it's horses falling over and dying. So much sure has. So much talent wasted. Last year the 12-to-1 shot sausage McGraw had to be put down after getting bored at the 5th, leaving a half-written autobiography and an unfinished expose about illegal gambling. Tragedy. It's all the old-tone goes, you haven't had a Cheltenham festival unless you've had a field of horse corpses. The Star Horse, Kato Star, has courted controphcies so he's been accused of racist comments to a gray horse in the gallops on Thursday, but after investigation he has apologized and has been

cleared to run in the gold cup. I don't know about that. I think you've got to stamp it out. I think you've got to stamp it out of the paddock. I think you've got a certain example. So to mark the Cheltenham festival, here is an audio tarp hauling for you to play really loud to camouflage the sound of a bolt gun being discharged into a fallen horse. And also next weekend, the Formula 1 season will begin. Who is going to win John? To me, the McLaren Mercedes MP423 is going to be a very hard car to beat, but if anyone can do it, it could be the Ferrari F2008. That's a co-with real ambition and a burning desire to win. The F2008 is already started trying to get under the MP423's paintwork with some derogatory comments at press conferences.

I'll be interesting to see how that pans out over the season. Of course, Renault's R28 really loves playing to the crowds. And if it can keep its mind on the track instead of trying to impress passing motorcycles, it could have a great season. But I think the character of the season could well be the Honda RA-1008, which is great value in interviews. So let's hope as's a few podium finishes for that car. I think it's only fair, I think the Formula One should be subjected to the same rules as horse racing. And if a car crashes, that driver should be shot in the head of the bulk

gum. That is pretty much effectively what happened in the 1970s. And people loved racing then. Yeah. So, what I'm saying is, let's bring it back. Louis Hamilton crashes out at the third corner. Uh oh. Well, it's the kindest thing to do.

John. Yep. You're still alive? I think so. Well, it's the audio cryptic crossword. Oh, no. Well if I'm technically alive, I've certainly died inside This week's clue is 22 down. It's five letters long and To mark international women's day It's a clue that really goes to the hearts of the trust and loyalty necessary for a successful marriage. And that clue is this. A dishes his wife drops her writing implements to run away with another man.

Five letters long. There you go. Feeling better, John? Be strong. I can't feel anything, I suppose that's technically better. So that brings us kicking and weeding to the end of this week's bugle. So do email us in your diagnoses for John's medical condition and we will tell you next week if he's still here whether or not you are right. In fact that's this week's prediction. John are you going to be alive for next week's pupil? Well I don't know Andy, I don't know. I mean I can't possibly say that but what I will definitely be here for the next pupil. All right whether that's from beyond the grave or not. I don't know

So what you're saying you'll be there spiritually or your Still you corpse actually dragged into the record That's the one saying because what did I say? I'm gonna exercise the giant of the mad I'm dragging I wish my corpse to be dragged around So I will be attending this recording. Even if you are talking to a festival in Corpus. It's a contract, it's a contract, so it's very good of you to see it out.

You're welcome, Andy. I won't let you down. Bye! you