The Bugle - Why Obama's inauguration will be like the Rio carnival

Episode Date: January 12, 2009

The 59th ever Bugle podcast, from 2009. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Andy. Hello, Bughlers and it is your last week in that London studio. John Oliver. Hello Andy. Hello, Buglers. And it is your last week in that London studio. It is. The last week. And then we're moving studio next week. So if Andy's half of the bugle sounds a bit different, it's probably because he's had less free ride being. But this week I'm fully stocked up. It's free ride being. So it is an emotional farewell to you, Nate Ganna. And in bugle tradition when we finish using a studio, we are going to torch it at the end of this recording. Just before we're back to work Andy, my last few days off, I went down to DC. My only previous relationship with that city is upsetting people and being chased by security

shouting, you can't film here. So I went down, I saw the Lincoln Memorial, which is fantastic, and the Vietnam Memorial, which is pretty overwhelming, and not a good place, I would argue, for a work call. Which one man seem to disagree with? There are a series of statues of soldiers walking across a field with hollow eyes, extremely beautiful, and they were joined to their painful tablobe by a spectacular moron, talking on his phone about the need for urgency in him getting December's sales figures sent to the Blackberry. I guess we all have different battles to fight and he's just a different kind of hero.

I guess that's really what the victims of Vietnam would have wanted the freedom for Americans to continue doing business. He was being far more patriotic as an American than you were just standing there and crying. It's Monday the 12th of January 2009 which which means John, it's the 8th anniversary of when there were only 8 years and 8 days left until George W. Bush leaves the White House. God, it doesn't seem like yesterday, does it? Also means it's 41 years since Johnny Cash played full some prison. And also... Nice, good start.

Good start, what a gig. Want to get almost worth getting a ticket to that gig. Yesterday, Sunday the 11th, obviously, we were recording this on Friday, so what I say yesterday I mean in two days time. It will be 440 years to the day since the draw for the first ever lottery in Britain, which for American listeners is what the USA was still known back then in 1569. Tickets cost £10 or in today's currency, 10 quid. And ever since then Britain has been besotted with both the idea of lotteries and of silver

plates which were the main prize for that lottery in 1565. Because what a finer expression of Britishness, John. Yeah. But there possibly be then of spending some money and wondering if you might win a silver plate. Yeah. That's basically the tactic that won us two world wars. But we do think that we would win a plate for winning the war.

For what we do best? Well, so the prizes included civil plates, more civil plates, a dose of plague for the personal enemy or unloved family member of your choice. He chance to go sailing with the promising young explorer and pirate Francis Drake. You're right, you set fire to any Catholic of your choosing, a bottle of aftershave and a soap on a rope and much else besides. Happy anniversary to that system of broken dreams. Queen Elizabeth I did a lot of great things for this country. She single handedly sank the Spanish on Marda. She showed that women don't have to put out on first dates. She showed that to a fault Andy,

to the impact to the end of a bloodline. As always, I'm section to the people going straight in the bin this week. You and your horse, a special section for those who were given a horse for Christmas. But didn't really want one, and now needs some ideas for what to do with it. Don't just stick in the attic for a year and then I'll try and give it to someone next Christmas. That's the wrong thing to do. There are nothing you can do, train your horse to race. The best way to do this is tie a carrot to a coat hanger.

Force the coat hanger over your nag's head and tell it the carrot just called it a donkey. Sit back and watch you in the basement as your horse charges after the carrot. I run through its equine mega nostrels and swearing under its breath. Alternatively, train your horse to fight. Horse wrestling might not be mainstream, but it's great entertainment for all the family. And don't worry, it's not cruel, just like other sports, such as human wrestling and horse racing, it's a total fix.

Train your horse with a couple of signature moves, make sure it can nail out little times, buy a spangly pair of horse wrestling briefs, and let the fun begin. Alternatively, you could cook and eat your horse, there's no or against it as long as you put on a French accent whilst you're doing it. Or give your horse to a charity shop, make sure you give it a bit of a clean first and just leave it tethered outside overnight as a gesture of goodwill, that'll probably make at least 6 pounds from it. If you can't get rid of your horse, we will tell you how to release

it back into the wild and give it the maximum chance of success. The key is train it to eat meat. If you're a horse and a jungle, you've got to pose a food chain threat. Otherwise you'll find yourself looking up nervous as a hungry tiger puts his bib on in order as a glass of shabby. Top story this week and Presidency countdown. January the 20th is fast approaching and actually I'll say that but it's in fact approaching exactly as fast as it's always approached and always will approach no quick and no slower. And in this standard procession of time towards the 20th of January, Washington DC is preparing itself for what could be the biggest street party in the world.

It's going to be like the carnival in Rio de Janeiro, except in sub-zero temperatures, so with almost no feathers and significantly less body painted bikinis. I've heard that's what Barbara Bush is going to be wearing. Stop it! What an absolutely horrifying image to place at the start of the view. I didn't say that was all she was going to be wearing. Why, what is she going to accessorise that with, Andy?

A Wonder Woman cape. Okay, so I was in DC, as I say, just after the new year, Andy, and I can tell you that their preparation is largely taking the form of the city putting up some crowd barriers and gradually coming to the realisation that its infrastructure cannot possibly handle the amount of people that are going to turn up. Presumably, John, there are taking the whole world into account, probably about six and a half billion people who'd quite like to be there to be George W. Bush farewell.

Yeah. So that's what the Merv DC is now even started to advise people to stay at home, unless they don't mind and I quote, standing in freezing temperatures for many hours in the close proximity of strangers. That is quite a party invite. Can I get a plus one for that to me? I am actually going to be attending the inauguration Andy, not as a guest, but as an irritant. Not as an... On you, the warm up, man. Yeah, that's right. On the hype man at the start.

Wave your hands in the air, do you see? Wave of like you do care a bit. I'll be doing something for the show there, so I'll be ruining the experience for anyone unfortunate enough to be near me. And it should be spectacular to be... You've always done best, you've always done best. Listen, find something you love and then do it for the rest of your life. That's my advice to the kids.

They will be spending an estimated $40 million on the celebrations and what better economic time to be doing that. It's going to be lessen in auguration and more like an episode of MTV Sweet 16. A farmer is even getting a wreath of Franklin to sing for him and get a flashy car at the end of it. I've not seen Sweet 16, John. 16. A farmer is even getting a wreath of Franklin to sing for him and get a flashy car at the end of it. I've not seen sweet 16, John. I mean clearly you're much more an official in Arlo of that show than me. It's basically morally reprehensible children of millionaires having the kind of parties that really foreshadow the end of ancient Rome. Right.

Because we've got, it's Matilda's second birthday, happy birthday love. And we're having a second birthday party for her. But you don't think there's any I could learn from watching Sweet 16 as to how to throw a party for them because you know I'm in showbiz, John. Yeah, you use the fact that I'm talking to you now. You should get Lil Wayne to sing happy birthday for it and then buy a hammer. If I've learned nothing else from this country and I haven't, then is that? Right, okay. When you come to inauguration, the key is to not to die as a result of the inauguration. As happened to William Henry Harrison.

O'Neillth President, who in 1841, on a freezing cold day decided to break the world record for the longest US inauguration speech ever at a sound bite defining 8444 words, taking almost two whole US hours. He also broke the world record for the longest inauguration speech given whilst not wearing an overcoat on a freezing cold day, for going on a parade whilst still not wearing an overcoat on a freezing cold day. After throwing out for a couple of weeks, Harrison then went down with a cold and went down hard. As hard as it's possible to go down with a cold, he died. And then broke another world record, the shortest presidential term at 31 days. We didn't sound a lot, John, but before you scoff, how many days have you ever been

president for? It's got to be a maximum of four. Yeah, so that's one nil to Billy H. Harrison, John. Yeah. And I don't think any bugle listener can beat him unless you are one of the 42 other cats who've sat on the American presidential toilets. So in summary, adding to the fact that Harrison probably didn't actually die as a result of the inauguration but from a buggy picked up later, keep your speech tight, bang, bang, bang, look like you mean it and don't get your anger out.

Simple. All the presidents in fact gather together for lunch at the white house this week Sorry, not all of them not all of them all the all the living presidents otherwise that would have been I'm fairly unappetizing lunch Well, they sent out invitations only three of them bothered applying Carter Bush senior and Clinton some people are getting a position of power Goes there. They get cocky enough to get their manage. Yeah. No netty-ket people are getting a position of power, goes to the head, they get cocky, and I forget their manners. Yeah, no netty-ket from their evites.

They gather together to offer a barmer advice, presumably on things like the Middle East and on how to get the White House boiler to work if it starts playing up in the winter. And the current commander in chief really looked like a man who was really looking forward to not being president anymore. Look, you see, the barmer's officially moved to Washington

last Monday after a two-week holiday in Hawaii. The island was so named in fact off the noise made by Ace British explorer James Cook, when he became the first European to discover it when he landed on the beach and trod on a scorpion. For the history for you. Hawaii! And I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall

at that luncheon. I don't know what I mean. And when the probably not fly on the wall at that luncheon. I don't like, I mean, what a luncheon. And when the probably not fly on the wall as then as a fly would have lacked the capacity to understand what those people were saying to each other. Trying to avoid being slaughtered with a rolled up copy of baseball monthly by the president who regards flies as an American before finally being thwacked, falling unconscious the overlovers carpet, being scrummed into it by a presidential brogue whilst the barmer said, hey, treat yourself, grind it right in, this is coming up next week. Before someone else said, hey, that's not the only

time a flight has come down in here. Is it Bill? Bill? Come on, we can all laugh about it now. It must be strange and not a little awkward for them to stand there together in the over office, especially with Bill Clinton standing there too, because there's a big elephant in the room there, Andy. And that elephant being ejaculated seaman. It must be hard to work in an office which hosted the most famous blowjob in human history. Tricky to focus. I don't think you'd be too busy scrubbing things clean, like Lady Macbeth. They also had the traditional presidential game of Twister, a bar more unquite comfortably, Jimmy Carter, not quite what he was as a Twister player, although Clinton can still pull a few moves. I would imagine they did spend most of their time

sitting around awkwardly tapping their fingers on the table looking at George W. Bush and just going, of course the Oath is really the key parts of the Norge Rush, and that's the one that he really doesn't want to screw up and accidentally reveal himself to be an Islamic extremist I'd suggest to both the conservative media. Well that'll be the worst time for him to do that Yeah, he's an inspirational figure a bomber and I'm hoping this will lead to a great age in oath writing It's because I don't think I'm making up oaths and I've decided to make more oaths In fact, I made one this morning where I said I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of coffee maker and bread toast of this breakfast and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend and eat my bacon sandwich. So help me me. Any bugle listeners who want to submit their own oaths, or we know get very inaugurate, go and inaugurate yourself somewhere and send us what oath you have used or would use. The WGULAT times online.co.uk.

Other news now and yes there's going to be a new man and the second most important job in the world on the 20th of January. But there's already a new man in the most important job in the world. It happened on Thursday. England has a new cricket captain and John this nation is in turmoil. Andrew Strauss, five foot eleven left-handed opening batsman and father of two from London with a South African father and English mother who's over 30 years old. John is exactly like me. I'm basically England cricket captain. Anyway, he was hastily inaugurated at the press conference on Thursday. After previous England cricket presidents Kevin Peterson assassinated his own captaincy career, following the dispute with the coach Peter Morse and England Cricket Board who ended up sacking

Morse and telling Peterson that if he didn't sack himself, they'd sack him, basically ended up with no one to do anything and appoint his Strauss. And John the Nation is in a state of total trauma. This is worse than when the Queen Mother died, the blitz began and the English Civil War put together. Wow. And we haven't seen an application as dramatic as Peterson's resignation since Edward D. A. told everyone in the country that he was secretly a Nazi.

Sorry, but he fell in love with a married Catholic woman. Ha ha ha. Bughlers might be interested in knowing that Andy was actually pitching for this to be the top story this week. And the best I could do was hang a little down to second. Ha ha ha. The only thing that has really rattled you this week, isn't it Andy? Yeah. I've had a tough, tiring few weeks been very emotional, obviously, with the birth of

on your child and pretty tired and needed. Well, exactly, I'm a little bit of stability in our lives, John. And we look to English cricket to provide us with that. And now this, I mean, I can't believe English cricket, after all I've done for it, would screw me around at a time like this. Well, English cricket has always been a bell weather for current events, Andy. As goes English cricket, so goes the world. So this is bad news for Gaza at the moment,

as it's been proven. How's the news gone down in America, John? Well, it hasn't really gone down, Andy, because it's not been delivered, because people don't really have the capacity to understand what it means. People don't understand cricket, but they've found the fact that we like it

inherently hilarious. If the guys you wrote the ancient Greek myths, in other words, the ancient Greeks, if they'd written a myth about Crickets in an attempt to illustrate an aspect of human life, it would have been this very story, John, because Peterson basically prayed for the coax to be removed from his job, and he was, but then so was Peterson, and I guess the moral of the story is don't make stupid comments of the media in an effort to get your own way. I guess the Greeks would probably then end of the story story of peaches and eating someone's children or being condemned to be given out to a dodgy, unparindicision every day for the rest of eternity. But English

Crete is English, so the next step in the story was the England are going to go on tour of the West Indies with an interim coach and Petersen still in the team. Not quite as dramatic as the Greek version, but I guess that's why we're still alive and they're not. Only you and he could imply that the current drama at the English cricket board is akin to Soffa Cleese. Can anyone actually deny that? Yeah, I think not. I can't hear anyone denying it. That's because you've taken your headphones off. Deadlines pass. Gaza update now and well there's good news and bad news regarding Gaza. Here's the good news.

And here's the bad news. There is still almost continuous violence over 700 Palestinians have been killed as well as over 10 Israelis and the whole situation is horrific. There was finally an agreement to have a three-hour truce to provide emergency medical supplies to Gaza. Three hours. Last week, Andy, we were laughing at the mortifying lack of hope in a proposed 48 hours ceasefire, but three hours. You could barely watch the curious case of Benjamin Button at that time. Which incidentally would not be a good use of your time.

Especially if you live in Gaza where you should really be focusing on medical supplies. And even this three hour truce was then jeopardized when Lebanon started firing rocketed to Israel. Oh thank you Lebanon thank you you just managed to do the seemingly impossible you made this situation even worse. Well to be fair John I were quite close to a peaceful week I mean it only wasn't for those seven days of continued bombing by both sides it was that close. There's an old saying in war, Andy,

sticks, stones, rockets and mortify. I break my bones, devastate my house and foster lingering resentment for generations. But words, they really hurt me. And that there have been some new technological developments in the war on words in this Gaza conflict. These really defense force have launched their own YouTube channel, where you can watch

various strategic Hamas locations get bombed, press conferences from the IDF, and what they claim is footage of some key Hamas leaders receiving demoralising nut shots. And while I don't doubt that there's an audience for that, Andy, I just worry that they will encourage young disenfranchised men to want to avenge that nut shot. But the Israeli government wasn't done there, they announced also that they were going to hold the, and I quote, first governmental press conference ever held on Twitter. Which makes sense, because I've always had a rule with press conferences. And if you can't say in 140 characters or less, don't bother saying it at all.

That's why we've been going wrong with the Middle East, we've been overthinking it. You can get to the root of the problem with nothing more than emoticons. Well, that would is angry face, which makes the heed sad face. Why can't they just learn to happy face with hearts coming out of it? One of the entries was we have the number two, protect our citizens too. The only way forward through negotiate, it was utterly, utterly ridiculous. And David Sarangra of the IDF said, I speak to every demographic in a language you understand.

If someone only speaks Spanish, I speak Spanish. If someone is using a platform like Twitter, I want a tweet going on to say, if someone can only communicate through a Roma therapy, I'll get my candles out. If someone can only communicate to the international language of breakdance, I will spin on my head and do the worm. Hahaha.

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We actually have had a spectacular amount of nominations for this. This has possibly captured people's imagination like nothing else we've ever done. There's clearly a really latent part of people, which doesn't want their kind of lascivious sexual feelings to be contained to the current generation.

And good for them. Yeah. Are they wrong? No, they're not wrong. How can it be wrong when it feels so right? We've had presidents, presidents, wives, kings, queens, writers, artists, messiahs, profits. Not specific ones, of course. Gods and goddesses, fers and Pharaohets, volcanoes, epochs, fossils, scientists, scientists,

150-foot-high obelisks, basically guys and gals from the entire spectrum of dead historical figures. It seems amazing that just 12 months ago, a sequence of off-hand sexually loaded comments by you, led to this phenomenon. That's the story of my life, isn't it? A lot of married with kids today, basically? For me, Joanna the Mads really got my blood boy.

I think that was when I first started getting interested in this. I've not heard of Joanna the Mad before and I've not been able to stop thinking about it since. We are going to nominate the hottest hotly from history at the end of this section. We've been some ex-enominations coming in recently. Diana Peyton nominates Marianne Twannette. She was apparently so hot they cut off her head

so that men would stop fighting over her. I think that's right, whatever, she's hot. Says Diana P. S. Your eyes, you guys are weird. Ha ha ha ha. Normally I'm trying to know that Andy, but we are in the middle of rounding up a hotty's wrist extension, which, nah it's weird.

I don't know about it, it is weird. Now this one came in from Fedor Kossakowski from Los Angeles, who nominates Sart Ivan IV, bed and none as Ivan the Terrible, as a little boy he used to drop kittens from the top of his castle tower for fun. He grew older and inherited the throne and a pretty stylish hat, and ordered some bazzles cathedral to be constructed when it was built. Ivan reportedly blinded the architect in charge, so he could not make anything as beautiful ever again. After his wife died, he went completely insane, got married six more times, getting rid of one wife in less than a week. Ooooooooh hot! He developed huge mood swings,

and he quotes from an internet source. In one week, he would swing between depraved orgies and praying and fasting in remote monasteries. God that hot John, even on his death bed he managed to stay hot, I've been was probably killed by his friends after they walked in on him Trying to get it on with his mentally ill son's wife and were so scared for their own lives that they killed Ivan the terrible instead Wow Finally Fedor concludes and most important is my 15th birthday on Saturday December the 6th I hope you read the son of podcasts as my present because I know you're too cheap to get me anything else Well, well, well, Malaysian happy birthday.

We waited until the January sales before giving you the free email. There's a great Scandinavian nomination from Sofia Packau Masui. And she says, I dare you to try saying that. Well, they're accepted and lost. I have a hotly from Mr. Unomination for you. From the proud, a somewhat important, delusional country of Sweden. This being of course because I feel that the Swedes are being horribly unrepresented at the Bugle.

Yeah, I guess. She says, I hear by nominated the one-eyed wonder of Swedish mythology, the God Odin. Unlike most people with just one eye, Odin didn't simply lose it while playing with his famous spear. No, he will remove it and dropped it in a well. Nothing says Manly more than a high tolerance for a pain and an eye patch. True, Sophia. And as pain went for his eye, Odin received wisdom.

So he's not just a hotty without an eye, he's a smart hunk of a one-eyed man. But just an eye patch and some intelligence isn't enough to score my nomination, a hotty from history needs to be manly. How manly is this one-eyed wonder? You may ask and I'll tell you, this hotty is so manly that he made the earth pregnant. Now, that is an achievement Andy. That sounds like a defense to a public indecency judge.

No, no Andy. I just want to procrate my mother earth. What can you please do it in your back garden? This one comes in from Courtney Prado, a superb name. And she writes two bugleards, three words, sir Isaac Newton. Oh yeah, you could have finished that email right there for me, Courtney.

But she doesn't, she continues as a mathematician and scientist. The man spent his life studying curves and the movement of bodies, totally hot. And as if there's some one enough, some say that on his deathbed, he claimed that his greatest achievement was dying of virgin. That bold claim gives him that touch of mystery that every lady wants from her hoties and history. Of course, as a victim of massive mercury poisoning, he's still got that crazy man charm that keeps them coming back for more.

Oh, the cascade of luscious flying grey hair. The deliciously pointy nose, and those gorgeous toothbrush-like eyebrows. With looks like that, he must have worked hard to stay virgin amongst all those promissuous 17th century gals. Let's just say Newton probably wasn't afraid to get physical. Yours afraid that a cold shower may simply not be enough

Courtney Prothera. What are we doing? I do think Andy, that we and the buglers have been a bad influence on each other. I think one of my favourite nominations, which we've read out, let's enjoy it again now, was from Ash Dunn, who says, Salutations Chaps, I would like to venture forth my nomination from History, Marie Curie was a seriously saucy science seductress, who must have been quite the between the sheets showstopper. In the course of this Randy researchers career, she was exposed to so much radiation

that she eventually died of a plastic anemia. I mean, wow, what wouldn't she do? It would have been a fucking hot... It would have been the ultimate bargaining chip in the laboratory of love. Come on, baby. I know I might sting to do this, but you know, not as much as radiation sickness.

Remember, the safe word, if polonium. This lady is hot, radioactively hot. Well, John, sadly I've got some bad news for you because this email shows that even the most noble research projects, like Hot Is From History, can be hijacked by rogue contributors. Yeah. And this comes from Paul Yekota, and he writes, dear John and the other one,

fact-ball, Paul Yekota, you've got, Deirdre John and the other one, Fact-Ball, Paul Yecotta, Yecotta move pretty fast, so I'm gonna chin you. I know where you live. I will find you, and I will chin you. Anyway, he continues. Like most Buegos, I'm a rabid fan of ninth century Hungarian history,

this starting well, accordingly, I'm personally offended. That Hodgism history is yet to feature Commando Puli, the mass murdering, hair fetishizing third ruler of the Kingdom of Hungary and Splendifer a sex symbol of the art paddynastie. Commandoor of course was both third chronologically, as one of its third in terms of total Freudian units of insanity, or Freud's.

Although the Freud unit would not be invented for another thousand years, most experts, of which there are none, agree that Commandoor would have clocked in at an unhealthy 895 Freud's. Coincidentally, 895 was also the year that Commandoor ascended to the throne at the tender age of 13 by overseeing a human sacrifice of his father, Almos. Art! Almos was sacrificed to the gods. Commodore went on to rule as grand prince.

It was known primarily for his physical conservatism and strong leadership. That and also for his habit of taking the women of defeated enemies to his concubines, then ritually sacrificing them when he tired of them. Whilst this practice might seem cold heartless, even Zoltzman liked to the casual observer, I can honestly say John, hand on heart, I've never executed a concubine. He continues in the Commandoors defence, he never subjected any of his whole ring to an audio cryptic crossword. Hey, hey!

Right, I'm coming to get this guy, your cutter, Tom put me on the next flight to the USA and source me a cudgel. In fact, he continues, a deep down Commandoor was quite the softy, he was the best sort of hotty one who was not afraid to show his sensitive sentimental side which meant in his case cutting off the hair of his concumines before having them killed and storing it in a large sack on which he slept and did the royal nasty. Not only was Commando Pulu the single best candidate for hot even history ever, in fact he may well be the best anything in the entire history of things, as well as his general

awesomeness are made all the more impressive, in the light of the fact that he was only recently made up by a 26 year old American named Paul Yekata. Oh, what a letdown. Oh boy. What a letdown, John. I mean, particularly when you think Paul has let himself down, he's let his fellow buglers down, but most of all, he's let history down. Shame on you, Paul, with so many incredibly hot people

to last after in his- Somewhere hot people. You've gone after an imaginary Hungarian lunatic. What was wrong with real Hungarian lunatics? Like this one, nominated by Tim Rosen and Tom Bruin, at Urcebet, Bathory, the Blood Countest, the Humptastic Hungarian knew how to throw a party, particularly if this party involved

mercilessly torturing, killing, and bathing in the blood of 600 young women. What's wrong with that then? How are we going to close out the season-reasonry? Well, I guess we're going to probably try and pick the hottest hotty, and I've drawn up a bit of a long list. On that long list, you've got the, if this is from your nominations, Buglers, Chinese Warlord, General Zhang Zhong Chang,

the dog meat general with a veritable museum of concubines and quotes the physique of an elephant, the brain of a pig, the temperament of a tiger. Also says the correspondent Doug Courtney from St. Louis, who sent us in popular mythgave and penis as long as a pile of 86 silver dollars. That sounds like a bit of a lie. That's, that is hot.

Then you've got clear patatra, or she was known as Egyptian prescription. And the little obvious. And I thought she was a bit full of herself as well. Yeah. And of course, we've got Hitler, Fancy, Nazi film for us, Lenny Riefenstahl, nominated by Richard from Sydney, who claims that he met her when she was 92

and that she was still hot. Wow. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's keep this abstract. Diane Davis nominated Sir Cloudsley Shovel Wow, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, 2000 others, you know, get much hotter than that. That is that's the kind of level of self confidence that everyone finds hot. Another naval hoti-heratio Nelson, described by No Lessor Sources than Johnny from Milton Keynes as being, quote, nearly as sexy as the Queen. Emma Crawford, a 19th century American hoti, so hot there's a coffin race every year in her honor. John F. Kennedy, described by Sean Owen of Muswell Hill as the most pre-applic leader of the free world ever. A man who makes Bill Clinton look like you too. Whoa, come on, that's not a nice thing to say.

I've got more children than John and Bill Clinton put together. Actually, Andy, you really don't know that that's the catch with Bill Clinton. Then we've also got ancient British tribal bay, Budica, or a Bodicea, nominated by Thomas Jura from Northern Virginia. The Queen of the Icini possibly the most and only ever good-looking woman from East Anglia. Although Tastas doesn't mention much of Budica's physical features in his annals, we can

only imagine how hot she must have been to lead an army of 100,000 Britons against the homely sausage fest that was the Roman Empire. Several nominations also for Australia Pithicus Afarencis, also known as Lucy, including this from Steve Schwartz. This M to the power 6,442, Ilf was as smolderingly sexy as an upright walking hominid could be. Strutting her stuff 3.2 million years ago at a cool 3-8 inches tall. This Priestor Hannah Montana from the Savannah would say her day is foraging for beetle lava, avoiding varieties of saber toothed catten smashing the skulls of small woodland creatures

so she could pick out their brains and eat them. If loving a three million year old half-chimp, half human mutant thing that could be considered the mother to the entire human population is wrong, then I don't think I want to be right. Good. Well done, Stephen. Very good.

Very good. We've had a nomination from Dano Brian for Blanche, Dumar The 19th century hotty boasting three legs two fully functioning sets of genitalia and four breasts of which two were ladies hooters and two were men's Waps she has 1.5 times amount of legs and twice the amount of genitalia is Florence Nightingale Wow That is hot. We've even had a nomination for Edward Pow Powys' Mathes, the inventor of the cryptic crossword, for George Washington, with an else-advian easy ancient Greek omnisectual who pulled wangs off sacred statues for a laugh, Newdus pioneers Adam and Eve, Russian humped all lumpy,

scraggling enthusiasts, Catherine the Great, tiny leg massive, natured, bone-disordered, art dwarf Taluslo Trek, German pointy hat-wearing moustache, Behemoth, Otto von Bismarck, Madder's coconuts, medieval Spanish corpse, H von Bismarck, Maddoz Kokenertz, many more Spanish corpse, I go Joe, another mad. They've all turned heads. They've all turned stomachs from beyond the grave. But John, who is the hottest hotty of them all for you? To pick one feels like an insult.

We're like, instead you want to just a kind of history orgy. But if I had to pick one to settle down with you've been talking about the X rated version of Bill and Ted's excellent That's exactly what I'm talking about For me it's not another match. She let my candle and also you do know that after your death She would carry you around in a coffin just several years. That's right. I like the idea of that Well for me John and I think you can probably get what I'm going with it. So they say you never truly get over your first love.

It's flow, isn't it? It's flow, it's flow, right? Well, it has to be, for me, it has to be Florence Nightingale. So, hold on. We both picture the people we liked about 11 and a half months ago. This now starts to seem like a gigantic waste of time. And in the words of the special tribute poem, uh, Stroke Wrap from the world's leading historical

lusty rapper Retrospects and, uh, in a duet with English poet laureates Andrew Motion, an attributed Florence Nightingale favorite in this. The lady with a lamp, one of them gives me me cramp when I see 19 girl in a 90, looking flirty, feel so righty, I just want to go with a flow. I got such warrants, to search my Florence and I'm drooling in torrents, it's my curts to love a nurse in a hers, she might be livin' in a coffin, but I'd still be givein' her a boffin. I want more from the crummy and force, so it's back in time to make her man, nipping back

to 1860, to see if that nurse can fix me ten mile war wound because my it's ballooned lot my candle put my handle cause a scandal matching girl you put the wind in my sail she's taught it she's a mystery she's a holiday from history so I'm gonna go with the flow yeah oh whoa yeah wow Do you know what? What mate? This whole year was worth it for that Andy. Well, if someone, if someone doesn't remix that, then I don't know what the world is coming to.

So does this mean John, that we are now consigning Hotties from History to History? Well, I think we're gonna shut it down, Andy. We'll find, just like the audio cryptic it down and we'll find just like the audio cryptic crossword, we'll find something else to waste our time with the bugle of the way. Just not sure I can let go John. I'm saying keep it on Tom. Tom's saying cutie some current affairs. He has sported his ballot paper. So I've got the casting vote. I think I should probably move on for the sake of my marriage.

Google Sport now and it's been the Darts World Championships, John. Both of them. Two World Championships for Darts, but that's how great a sport is. It needs two championships and two champions. Is it the greatest sport in the world? No, but it is good. I challenge anyone in the known universe or elsewhere to find a better evening out than going chargelessly mental. as a thousand people watch two men throw small-bondy objects a small distance at a very small bit of quite a small board Absolutely, we had a great night out at the Lakeside Country Club in Miami Well, it's just nice to you feel close to history I mean, Darts of course is the game that's given the mathematics numbers such as 180

45 and no score. And phrases such as Eric, you require 141. 123. Of course, in the early 1990s, John Darts had a schism eerily similar to when the Anglican church split from the old Catholics in the 16th century, because Henry VIII fancies some chick or something. And Darts split into two chamomile tips, the PDC and the BDO, or if they're more commonly known, the good one and the rubbish one. And in the PDC championships that finished, just off New Year, Phil the power tailor won his 14th world title. And John, I think we can now say definitively, scientifically that no man in the history of humanity has ever been quite as good at throwing small flighty bits of tungsten over a distance of 7 for 8 and 3 quarter inches.

And from American listeners, because I know Dart is illegal in America because of the war of independence. Phil Taylor is kind of like the British equivalent of Joe Montana, Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth, Wayne Gretzky, Mary Lou Retten, the gymnast, and Tim Janus rolled into one. Tim Janus of course, the world record holder for burrito eating. He ate ten and three quarter, eight in ounce burritos in 12 minutes. But is he still alive? He's still alive and it's quite easy. He's quite. He's medically incredible. It's quite thin. But Phil Tain is like all of

them, not just rolled into one, I see, but put through an industrial mincer, compressed season and re-sculpted to form one short, slightly portally 40-year-old man from Stoke on Trenton. That John, that's a humbling thought for America. Well, the other sports story this week, Andy, comes from the NFL and I thought, there's any surprise to begly, that, you know, I love what the NFL throws up in terms of stories. You know, the ultimate entertainer. What Plexico has done this year has set the standards by which others are judged. So, step forward, Pac-. Now Adam Pac-Man Jones Andy is a lunatic. I think he'd be the first to admit that. He plays or plays for the Dallas Cowboys until it was alleged this week that he was accused of arranging a hit on a man that he'd had a brief argument

with in a nightclub. What an absolute idiot. Who does he think he is? A 1920s gangster in Chicago. He's been cut. This is a man who has been in almost constant trouble his entire career and who had begged to be reinstated by the NFL this year saying, I will amend my ways. He did not mend those ways, Andy. If anything, he tore those ways even worse. I salute you, Pac-Man Jones. Just time to tell you to keep your emails flooding in even if you're not allowed to submit any more hotties from history for everyone's sake for the sake of the world's psychology. The bugle at TimesOnline.co.uk and also we do have a Audiocryptic Crossword replacement this week.

We have a brain teaser, especially pre-organisation brain teaser and it's this. If Michael smashes his television with his head every time George W. Bush is on the news, up to a maximum of six televisions per day, and Michael watches an American 24-hour news channel all day every day, how many televisions has Michael smashed with his head since pushed the game president to 2001? I can tell you the answer now, don't listen to it until you've worked it out, so press pause on whatever you're listening to and only unpauling when you've worked out the answer. And the correct answer is 17,490 televisions. Assessume he doesn't take days off for Christmas, John Gippur or Ramadan. But the good news is John, 80 televisions to go. The end is in sight.

And then finally 80 televisions to go. It will be worth having that operation to have all the glass removed from this place. So that's it from the beautiful this week. Thanks to Eirone at Unique here in London who've been so kind to us while I've been recording here and providing me with my weekly rider, which is a leg of Serrano Hamm and a sharp knife, a bucket of Bocca de Bocca de Monteerella.

Those are my basic bugling snacks, then a golden cape to make me feel more powerful. A toolkit in case John starts battering on about something I've never heard of and I fancy doing some DIY in the meantime. A guard dog germin' sheep with a feeling vulnerable, laboured off at this one on some company. An antique Indian car from a Hoganie rocking elephant, a selection of spare shirts and ties in case I spill my milkshake, a selection of milkshakes, a wedgewood spatoon and a courtroom caliper polygraph to make sure I don't lapse into truth through often.

They've treated me well, thanks very much. Bye bye, buglers! Calibre polygraph to make sure I don't lapse into truth through often. They've treated me well. Thanks very much. Bye-bye, Budalers. Bye-bye! you