The Bugle - Why the dolphins keep leaping – Bugle 4095

Episode Date: February 1, 2019

Andy and Alice turn their attentions to homelessness, the polar vortex and plastics. Plus animal news.With@HelloBuglersAlice Fraser@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 4,000 and 95 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday, the 4th of February 2019. If you can believe that and can we believe even that or our date, just another part of the global conspiracy of lies. It's time even real, but we don't have time to discuss that, which now starts to look a little bit suspicious to me, very convenient for time. What has it tried to hide, apart from the past, present and future? Obviously, I don't agree. Again, I am Andy Zoltzmann, and I am in Salford, England, in a hotel room with a picture of a microphone on the wall,

but joining me from London, not in a hotel room, with an actual microphone in a studio, it's Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, hello bugleers, how are you? I'm well thanks. Well I say I'm well, I did what I think is technically called, I fucked my back the other day, lifting a box. A box? And I don't feel old enough to have done that, like I'm not old, but I am getting old enough that I can

My back lifting a box. I'm also old enough that if I told you I was married you wouldn't assume I was religious Which I didn't realize was a milestone until I passed it Yeah, it's a right passage in the modern world, you know, yeah Oh, if I murdered someone you wouldn't blame my parents. No, I mean not that I'm not. That's how old I am now. No, but I've met your father, I wouldn't blame him anyway. It's a very noble man, my dad. You are also on, not in either the hotel room or the studio, but in his own home, the

newly-behipped,, bionic super producer, Chris, who was just regaling us with how he'd had, I think, 30 bits of metal removed from his ass or something, was that it, Chris? Yeah, I was stapled up with 30 metal clips, which I, and I've had no dignity in the last two weeks, but I appreciate you saying behits are not de-hipped, which is probably toasted to the truth. But it's nice to be back and not on more theme. If I had a pound for every time I've heard someone say that to me, I'd be a very rich man.

So three of us in three different places, I think this truly is the devil's triangle. We are recording on the 1st of February 2019 on this day in the year 484. King Huneric of the Vandals organised a conference between Catholic and Aryan bishops at Carthage Which does make you wonder what the conference merch was like. I imagine the Shlepping all the fucking way to Carthage in the year 484 would have been thinking There better be more than a fucking tote bag at a branded memory stick for this The the meeting in 484 was described on no lesser source than the internet. It said this about it, it said it appears to have been an exercise in brow beating more than a genuine debate. And that was only just over 1500 years

ago. So onwards and upwards in terms of human communication. On this. Yeah, it's a good thing to know that we don't do that anymore, Abney. On this day in 1793, France declared war on the United Kingdom. That's why we needed to get out. Leopards never changed their spots. In 1884, the first volume of the Oxford English Dictionary was published. It covered from A to Ant. Must have been hugely exciting for all the word fans waiting for volume two. I'm absolutely a flutter about anticipated ability.

I can't finish. I f***ing anything. Shit, we haven't even got to f***ing anything yet. On this day in 1893, Thomas Edison finished building his first motion picture studio, the Black Maria studio in New Jersey, and the following day, after the building of the first ever motion picture studio, was the first recorded instance of a 55-year-old man blowing cigars smoke into an 18-year-old woman's face, face face face and saying I'm gonna make you a star kid just sign this and touch this one of one of the very first films ever made in in Edison's Black Maria studio I discovered this this morning this was glorious he made a film of cats boxing little cats and boxing gloves in a little boxing ring. And this is way before YouTube, Alice. She's a visionary.

I'll edit the inventor. Oh, wow. He's the nostradamus of cat names. He knew less than a year into the history of the moving image that what people really wanted to watch is pets doing weird shit. I mean, you know 100% if he was on top of the internet that far in advance, he was also taking pictures of his penis. Section in the bin this week, well, unfortunately due to a lack of time, the section in the bin has

gone in the bin, along with the other section in the bin which is hope for humanity. That is also just gone in the bin. That's so meta. Alice, can I just ask, do you think there's no section in the bin this week because there's a test match on? I don't dare to make correlation equal causation, Chris. Do you think that there were pieces of metal being taken out of your butt because you had hip operation or because you got really intimate with a transformer?

It is not for me to say. I mean, the truth is close. Yeah, Alex, let him live how he wants to live. He's a 21st century. No judgment here. No, there is a test match on. And that's in fact, why? There was no bugle last week. Sorry for that we are giving you a

Minute and half extra free at no charge in this week's show But that was the last minute and a half that was absolutely free as a nut But yeah, I'm in Manchester for working in the inverted commas on the BBC's cricket coverage of England getting absolutely hoarse in the West Indies currently. And it's great to see because West Indian cricket really, really used to be the greatest team in the world. It's been a tough couple of decades for them and sport is supposed to be about joy. And the England cricket team has brought a lot of joy to West Indian cricket fans over the past 10 days. So fair play to them. Do you get extra pay for mental pain and anguish if the English team plays badly?

Well, I don't know. If that is BBC rules, then all of their political reporters over the last three years must be a absolute f***ing mint. Top story this week and well we did a week off Brexit to be honest to go with last week's week off Brexit on the bugle in which you got a week off everything. So we're going for a rather funnier, happier story and that is the rise of rough sleeping in Britain. I mean is that a better new story the fact that we are essentially making people sleep rough in the middle of winter until some of them freeze to death? I've lost all perspective at this time. There's a lot about a Britain that isn't showing it in a great light at the moment.

And the latest government figures have shown that rough sleeping in Britain has gone up by 165% since 2010, when by coincidence or not, the Conservatives came to power and I use power in its loosest sense. The official figure show that there are around about 4,700 people sleeping rough in Britain. Now we need to bear in mind, Alice, that these government figures are essentially a lie. They're based on a snapshot taken on a single night. A police cross refer to Donald Trump's personal research on climate change on why this isn't necessarily the best way of measuring things. But I guess this is one way of at least partially solving the problem.

Just not so much manipulate the statistics as smash the statistics around the back of the head with a frying pan and bundle them into the back of your car. It's like a 68-hour smoker cutting down to 12 a day by counting how many cigarettes he smoked between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. multiplying it by six to get the 24 hour average and saying, I feel fucking great on it. Ah!

It's like that. and say, I feel fucking great on it. Ah! Ah! Ah! Eh. It's like that. Yeah, indeed Andy, the homeless people, aka rough sleepers, aka differently bedroomed persons are on the rise around Britain, but I'm not sure we can trust these statistics either from the other direction. I blame the Nanny state for the statistics have we thought about the possibility there has been no increase at all and actually the poor the mentally ill and victims of domestic

abuse used to be a lot better at hiding and it's our coddled modern society that's leading them into the open rather than huddling in the sewers and starting their own subterranean society that is trickled down economics and Jack Kerawak now there was an age of a real hobo. Jump on a train, see the country, steal an apple pie from a window sill. That's the real Britain, isn't it? Isn't that the adilic past where Brexit is all about?

Are you launching a run for high office, Alice? Is this your presidential campaign for America, and all Britain, and Australia for 2020, beginning now. Yes, absolutely it is. Charities and pressure groups have blamed this increased figure on welfare cuts, housing shortages, and spiraling rents, go team GB! All of which, of course, will be solved by Brexit, along with other national problems,

such as inequality and education, corporate tax diversion, crumbling, transport, infrastructure, the exploitative Zera-House jobs market, the repeated failure of the England batting line up in Tess Machcricke and the lack of left-footed midfielders in this country. All will be sold on the 30th of March. It's fine. So we have to get this story in now before everything in this country is fixed. I mean, that is true, Andy. Although the Liverpool Mayor, Joe Anderson, has called for people who sleep rough to be treated as a protected category under hate crimes laws, citing some findings from 2016 which said nearly a third of people sleeping rough said they'd been deliberately hit or had faced other types of violence. About 45% said they'd been intimidated or threatened

while 7% had been urinated on. And the concern here for me is that these people stripped of their rights excluded from the lifesaving bureaucracy that keeps our most vulnerable from falling through the cracks, unable or unwilling to access the limited resources that are available, are now being asked to fill out surveys. Surveys Andy, have they not suffered enough? Oh, that puts a whole new perspective on it. And also, the fact that there are so many crimes committed against homeless people, are a further back to David Cameron, a former Prime Minister, on the day that he left office

and dignity and the future behind him. He said that we are a nation with a British sense of fair play. Now committing crimes against homeless people in the street, that's not fair play, is it? Well that is, I mean I know on the flip side of that a wins a win, but it does rather raise questions about what we are. We're supposed to support the underdog in Britain. Surely we are and I would like to make a note just as a side, that while I am for this podcast, often asked to write satirical comedy about terrible things that are happening in the world, finding the laws while scrolling through horrible things drunk people have done to people on the streets has been a challenge.

It certainly made me much more nervous about sitting on a stup just tire shoelace in case some hopped up lad on a bankers' night out decides he needs to express his neocapolis philosophy in the form of literally pissing on me. Yes, the parabola of neocapolis philosophy. It's a doctor-wating to happen. On the flip side of this spiraling issue of street homelessness, 11,000 homes in Britain have been empty for more than a decade, and more000 homes in Britain have been empty for more than a decade, and more than 200,000 have been empty for more than six months. But if only there was some kind of solution

to this street homeless problem, but I just can't. I can't see. And also in politics, sometimes the most obvious, practical, humane, and cost-effective solution is not necessarily the best one. Well, let's open this up to you, to people. If you, whether in Britain or otherwise, have any solutions to the street homeless crisis that don't involve using any of the hundreds of thousands of empty properties in this country, please email them to Theresa May,

Care of the Government London. In other being outside news now, a pole of vortex has struck the US, with temperatures plummeting as low as minus 30 degrees centigrade. Particularly in Chicago, popular memes of people throwing boiling water into the air and watching it freeze before it hits the ground have been circulating across the internet, proving that while the revolution may not be televised, the apocalypse certainly will. I, for one, am looking forward to cannibal tribes roaming the frozen waste engaged in bloodthirsty Twitter wars. News channels have sent out reporters to the frontlines of this war on ice demonstrating that it's possible to freeze a bubble, freeze an egg or freeze rum and noodles mid-air. Cutting edge journalism, really bringing home the core message of it's cold. For all those Chicago locals who were wondering why their ears were falling off and their

water's gone all crunchy. The Chicago Tribune Front page headline read expert, avoid being outside. Which about campuses. Um, even Donald Trump was absolutely up with the science, saying people can't last outside even for minutes. And that is very important in a country where many people still follow a belief system that requires them five times a day to go outside, facing the direction of Washington DC and shout, CUT! Yeah, Donald Trump has engaged with the issue on Twitter because, of course, he has, citing

the freeze as proof that global warming isn't happening. The fact that it's colder in Chicago than it is in Siberia is definitely not a terrifying indication of climate change, and also, can we please get a local weatherman to test how quickly it takes for the fart-centered hot air of politicized anti-science, blow-viating, to freeze into a beautiful ice sculpture? Oh, I can't wait to see that. He said, what the hell is going on with global waming? Or, missed out the hour of warming? Or maybe he meant global whamming, which is going to certainly what he wants to do with

the US's nuclear arsenal. He said, please come back fast to global warming, we need you. Politically, maybe he does because global warming, of course, is a significant factor and set to be even more of an ever-increasing factor significantly in global migration patterns. So bearing in mind his wall issue, maybe global warming could just give him enough people massing on the borders of America to justify not just one wall, but a hundred walls on top of each other. I mean, maybe, I mean, clearly Donald Trump hyper-intelligent being and just joshing with his people and planet about this minor little issue for

Planet to strike itself. So it does suggest that you know if if if he thinks that yeah, maybe this this cold snap in Chicago Is proof that global warming is ended. We just need to take him to an airport and show him a plane departing for Somewhere in the world outside the USA and hope we think well that looks like immigration has sorted What's next to the mic to do this? Making transgender people miserable. Okay, can anyone help with that? I'll look over there, Mr. President. That's a non-transgender person looking happy.

You can tick that box off as well, you f***ing tool. But on the subject of global warming, what if he's right, Alice? What if this cold snap is, in fact, the end of global warming? I mean, how do we know that it isn't, other than through science and evidence, both of which have proved notoriously unreliable through history. Trump has had a, well a jaunty week in some of his, I mean not just global warming, but other of his

classic, classic Trumpian tropes on Twitter described in New York Times again as the enemy of the people. An interesting phrase, I was looking reading up about the origin of the term enemy of the people. An interesting phrase was looking reading up about the origin of the term enemy of the people. It was used against the emperor Niro by the Roman senate, Niro and Megalamaniac despot with an uncontrollable ego who quite literally set fire to his own people. So, uh, please in a two thousand year long pod, perhaps. It's a phrase that's been used to scapegoat opponents and dissidents by such distinguished democratic institutions and individuals as Soviet Russia, Mao Zitong, Nazi Germany and the Daily Mail

newspaper. That is one hell of a f***ing bed to climb into. My brother's daughter, who is my adorable niece, she has this thing where if you are not immediately in front of her face she thinks you've disappeared entirely. I'm wondering if Trump just never developed object permanence. Well, in many ways it's a tragic personal story on a number of levels because clearly he is a brutal dictator trapped in the office of a democratic leader and it's horrible to see someone having to live live alive.

It's the 20th century. Why can't we let him live the way he wants to live? As well are we not supposed to be open minded and tolerate people whose lifestyle and political choices are different to our road? Let the man suppress his political opponents the way he evidently wants to suppress his political opponents. I mean, we saw a few moments of experimentation earlier on in his life and then he obviously went back into the closet of pretending to be a real human being. But I think we should celebrate and allow him to express his true self,

which is a WWE wrestler, on crack. That's always ever wanted to be Andy, can't you love him? Yeah, Grover Cleveland was the same. And gender equality news now, the UAE Gender Equality Awards have all been won this year by men. The vice president of the UAE and ruler of Dubai presented prizes to a number of award winners at the gender balance index 2018 awards in three categories, all of which were collected by men. And isn't this what we want Andy, people to be promoted and rewarded regardless of merit

or gender, whether they reach their position of power in a society as the direct result of a deeply patriarchal culture or not? It is, that is proper equality. Not just this kind of token box-ticking, you know, because this clearly these are awards that really ought to be the preserve of women. So if men can win them, I think that's that's your genuine progress. Well, in fact, this was one of the defences was that some of the men were receiving the awards as the leaders of teams, which included women. Right.

So it's important to note that the women were also being rewarded, but the men were both the figureheads and receiving all of the acclaim. Well, you can't, you can't, there's two things you can't hurry in life, Alice. One is love, as we know from the great Motown song, and the other is over 10,000 of years of fatriok. I mean, I'm not going to comment on whether you can hurry love or not. In fact, the two. In fact, the two.

Enough, Loub, you can hurry anything. That's right, the two have sometimes overlap. In other gender equality news, Pope Francis has described Virgin Mary as the first influencer, proving that even being the Pope with access to billions of dollars worth of resources doesn't stop you being an old man who doesn't really know what an influencer is. Hey Andy, I want to tell you a story about a cool tech bro with some radical ideas about loving each other and not on Grindr if you get my drift. His name was Jesus and he was a friend to all, which means he had even more friends

than Tom on my space. Actually many of the Bible tales are truly more comprehensible to the youth in the language of the Bible, like the time Sodom and Gomorrah, or as I like to call it, 4chan, was subject to a distributed denial of service attack by God, or malware was introduced into the Garden of Eden, giving Eve access to the whole of Wikipedia, which point she Googled nakedness and became ashamed of her body because she wasn't as hot as Kim Kardashian.

The Bible really is the YouTube makeup video of its time. So I'm going to say a bit of a burn in modern parlance for the Pope's boss got himself of course who were watching himself as being the first influencer. I mean the programmers never get the credit man. And also of course the first first man to use tablets as a form of communication. He was quite happy. Of course Mary saying yes to God was then followed by a number of concerns about a power

imbalance in the sexual situation as he sort of counts as everyone's boss hashtag me to. And then of course the backlash from the bunch of men's rights activists asking what she was wearing at the time. Brexit update and well Alice the clock is still ticking which raises the question why the f*** did we not invest in a digital clock that doesn't f***ing take you to get out of our minds for a bit typical short-sighted thing. It's good if you've got a kitten it makes it feel like the mother is around. Does it? Put a clock in yeah.

Right. Well I mean mummy cat eat clocks Yes, there are only 56 sleeps until Brex time now Alice that's just 56 days for our politicians to fit in all that they need to fill in all the bickering squabbling point There's grandstanding strategic in action panicking blame flinging finger pointing flagrantly disingenuous pseudo olive branching Quivering nervously trying to sneak through legislation, outluring all future use of the occult to communicate with the dead, to preclude future generations from badgering us and calling us nasty names in and all beyond the grave.

That is a lot to fit in. In 56 days, 56 days for the likes of David Cameron, Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage, to hide in a bush by the battlefield on which they recently shouted, CHOOOUNCH! Watching the carnage unfold while thinking, but, deal, but, deal, but, deal. 56 more days to try to wake Britain from the democratic hangover from when we got ripped off our national nuts on a rogue batch of referendum moonshine and at least try to clean the vomit off our trousers to put on a good show for the kids on Brexit day. 56 days, happy days in the independent nation of rural Britannia.

This week there were yet more votes in Parliament. The upshot of which was that essentially nothing has changed, but everything has changed. Sorry, I missed a couple of words out of that. Nothing has changed and everything has also not changed. Yeah. To recently, having banged on like a shell-shot parrot about her deal was the deal, the only deal and nothing but a deal. Nothing like a deal, nothing I forget.

Then said, oh no, we can definitely change it. Let's change it, said the MPs, yeah, a good idea, let's change it. Even though you said we can't change it. Europe came back and said, you can't change it. And Britain mumbled, we want to change it. And Europe said, well, you said you can't change it. We said, change it. Sorry, hang on. I'm not trying to. No, leave it like that, Andy. That's how confusing it is. Yeah, I mean, I think I've probably summed it up accurately to be honest, just fizzling off into a confused nothingness.

That was satirical ineptitude. It was not me with my 20 years in show, but his experience, I put myself about half an hour ago. Jeremy Corbyn came out swinging, always swinging like a forgotten pair of tights on a long abandoned washing line. Layed down a tough line on behalf of the Labour Party saying, and I quote, the government election, no it's gone, it's all in hands-on if you don't believe me. Did you watch the votes as they were going through, Alice? No, it's gone. It's all in hands art if you don't believe me. Did you watch the votes as they were going through Alice? No, absolutely not.

Congratulations on a week well spent not watching Parliament disappear up its own Fundament. But a quick tip for... A. I'm moving House B. I don't have a television and C. I will only care about Brexit as and when you pay me. I will only care about Brexit as and when you pay me. I mean, I read about Brexit when I'm riding jokes for the bugle and other than that, I pretend it doesn't exist or sort of dilute myself into hoping it'll be good for commonwealth countries like Australia. So essentially when you get paid by the bugle, it's more emotional compensation for having

to delve into Brexit than digital recompense for your work. Okay, good. Glad money. All right. Quick tip for our parliament. When time is running out in your legislative chamber, and every single minute of debate and compromising legislation is of the essence. Do not waste 15 minutes every time you f**king vote on something, making 650 people shuffle in and out of a small room into other small rooms to vote.

Buy a f**king computer for f**king sake! In other Brexit news, the BBC pulled off a quite spectacular accidental mistake in which they said to Reza May will be going to Brussels whilst showing footage of Spitfires from the Second World War raising hopes amongst the Brexit community that this is how our Prime Minister will travel to all meetings in future and is what the people of this country voted for? In fact, we will all be traveling in Spitfires. I mean, some were not happy. Some were rather she goes to Brussels in the Lancaster bomber and really shows them who's boss.

But at least Spitfires is a step. It's a step towards what the 17.4 million voted for. I mean, that is how we will know that Brexit has fulfilled the Brexit promise to the Brexit people, which is that on the day of Brexit happening, everything will go back to black and white. Let us do that. The editor of the programme, Paul Royal, has blamed human error for the tape mix up, saying the Spitfire clip had been intended to be a foretaste of an item about a new battle of Britain museum at Biggin Hill in London.

But I think we all know he's lying. Nigel Farage, meanwhile, has written this week about the British fury at the arrogant, a high-handed EU, which could unite Britain behind a World Trade Organization deal as discussed, nothing can possibly unite Britain. And also, for a number of people saying that MPs are showing themselves out of touch with voters.

Well, let me tell you who else is out of touch with voters. Voters, voters are out of touch. We are all out of touch with voters. I know this because I am a voter and I am out of touch with everything and everyone. Remain voters are out of touch with Lee voters. Lee voters are out of touch with remain voters. Everyone is out of touch with everything and everyone. Remain voters are out of touch with Lee voters, Lee voters are out of touch with remain voters. Everyone is out of touch with reality. That's what democracy is all about. But essentially, you know,

it's our choice as a nation, Alice, to socially and economically sleep per chance to patriotic lead dream. Let us have our dream of Spitfires for all. Animals news now and well it's become increasingly clear that the human race cannot turn to itself, comfort and protection from itself. So the animal kingdom is once again stepping up to the plate. Now obviously Alice history shows that when the animal kingdom steps up to the plate usually it is dead cooked and about to be eaten, but still in these troubled confrontational times. We are increasingly turning to non-human beings to help us navigate our way through the

turds we've contributed to the turbulent birthtub of history. Now back in Pugel 4058, we reported on an emotional support peacock that was banned from an airline flight. That ruffled a few ostentatiously a night for us for sure. And it's a man in America has an officially registered emotional support alligator. I mean, this is what we're reduced to now. We are turning to nature's cold-blooded killers for emotional crutches. I mean, this is the important thing about alligator zandie. You can't domesticate him.

And I for one find it immensely reassuring to know that there is an animal that will actualize myself loathing by biting me at intermittent intervals. I don't know how it works in America. I mean, it is, it is, it is, it doesn't. It doesn't. A state funded. The, the, the alligator is called Wally and apparently his, owner, frequently takes him out for meeting greets and places including minor league baseball games. Now, look, there is a time and a place for introducing people to deadly reptiles. And I just don't think when you're watching professional sport, that you'd really want to also be watching something that might kill you sitting next to you with massive teeth. Not a mole-fatton like that.

They're old-fashioned like that, but they haven't had to evolve since the dinosaurs. Clearly in Britain, we are in no position to judge or criticize anyone for finding comfort in the arms of something that is specifically designed to destroy them. But anyway, it's odd times for animals, Sam Neal, the Hollywood actor, has received a lot of internet hits for films of him doing yoga with his pet pig, Angelica. I think it's important to note that he's doing yoga next to his pet pig, Angelica, and that pigs cannot do yoga or relax or do a downward dog. Right. Everything for them is a downward pig. Right. They have one pose. It's pig. Right. So they're not doing it, do they not need yoga to make them a little bit more flexible as a species.

yoga to make them a little bit more flexible as a species. No, they're the most relaxed of all animals in that they had the best PR agents telling God that they weren't allowed to be eaten early on. Apparently Samnyl's also teaching his pick to speak English. I mean, that's going to gonna be useful isn't it? We are about to become a nation that eats only sausages, only British sausages. Not a filthy European monk has been forced out our throats by Brussels, so pigs are going to need to be able to speak very coherently and beg for their f***ing lives. In other animals news, a scientific project has revealed that having studied a number of marine mammals that have washed up on Britain shores,

it turns out that every single one had microplastics in its digestive system. And I mean this is, what's terrific news on a number of levels, Alicelda, say first it shows how awesome plastic is. Because I mean clearly these animals absolutely love it. I mean it's not even supposed to be food, but there they are getting a taste for it in the sea and thinking, Oh, God, that stuff is so good. I'm going to go on to land to get more of it. Damn, the fucking constant question. And also notice that these animals who are all beached in Britain, not,

not in Europe in Britain. Admittedly, it was a research project only looking at animals that washed up in Britain, but they all chose Britain, which shows what a great nation we are, that these animals are quite literally throwing themselves at us and we're not even out of the EU yet. We could build our economy purely on washed up dolphin carcasses as long as we believe. I mean, Andy, this is, I guess, really good proof that animals find plastic delicious and I was looking into the fact that there is so much plastic in the ocean now and also the other day I found out that

dildos are not recyclable. Despite being the most likely of all household appliances to be haunted. Right, so you can have to fill in some of the gaps there. So... Well, you don't want one second hand? Of all the things that... They're the only thing you will not buy second hand. Right. Yeah. They must absorb some sort of spiritual juices.

Okay, right. You can't get them clean. There is no level of clean that you would accept in a second hand, Dildo. So there are hundreds and thousands of unrecyclable deal those washing into the oceans right maybe these are just sexually adventurous animals right i mean it's possible isn't it i mean is that is that you say that's why the dolphins keep leaping out of the water it's some kind of if they're the throes of sexual ecstasy yes that is what i'm saying also i just thought the idea

that dildos was haunted was funny. So I wanted to say it. Haunted by what? By by by loading the soil. By the spirits of your past usage. I think we need to close that wormhole before. It's because he keeps. Anyway, now you'll never find a dildo big enough to close that one, Andy. Let's move on. Food and drink news now. A French teenager has been jailed after going into a shop and weighing a PlayStation as if it was a bag of fruit and thus only paid nine euros for it. Then so delighted was he with his scheme and he was an economic pioneer who tried to do it again the next day and was arrested

and jailed subsequently. I mean I guess we've all been there. I would have got away with it too if it hadn't been for those pesky repeat offenses. We've all been there. We're somewhere similar to that. Or indeed, the opposite of that. I remember how disappointed I was just a few months ago. When I bought a button at Squash, took it home, I got a long thin hole in it, connected it to my TV using a long carrot that I cut into a spiral spiral and shoved a disc in and tried to play Tony Allcox World Championship Bulls 2017. Surely the best indoor bull simulator of the last four years. And it didn't work. It simply didn't work.

So I mean, who's the real victim here? I mean, I'm sort of horrified that he was sentenced to four months in prison rather than being celebrated as the true fruit ninja. But is this not a fair way of charging for things by weights? When you think environmentally, heavy stuff takes up more of the environment and weighs down the planet more, so it spins less quickly and requires more energy because it gets colder at night. So if there are financial incentives for buying things that don't weigh very much, like tinsel balloons and marshmallows, rather than heavy things, like rhinoceros' warships and coal-fired power stations, would we not all be happier? I ask you this, Alice, have you seen a child

with a balloon? Happy! Have you seen a child big charged at BioRhinoceros? Terrifying! In future food news now, a new plant-focused diet will transform the future of the planet according to some scientists. An international commission for the first time has released this comprehensive planetary health diet that hopes to avert global environmental and economic catastrophe while also allowing for the world's poorest to eat delicious food or any food at all. Great news. But in terrible news, it requires huge cuts in red meat eating in western countries and radical changes across the world, so that is not going to work.

We are all for wanting a better world, just as long as we, individually or as a society, don't have to worry about other things than our own personal finances, comfort and individual priorities. Oh and Alice, you've got to look at the social implications of this. If we're eating less meat, and I just see apocalyptic visions of untethered lambs, beefs and porks running a mock through our countryside, caudging themselves on our underfended vegetable crops. It's a loose, loose situation.

Well, actually, the diet is a win-win, according to the scientists, because it would save at least 11 million people a year from deaths caused by unhealthy food while preventing the collapse of the natural world that humanity depends on, which sounds good, but also globally, it does require red meat and sugar consumption to be cut by half, which sounds boring and not delicious. And then also you have to eat more fruit and vegetables and double your consumption of pulses and nuts. Ooh, double nuts, am I right? But seriously, it's the most depressing story of the year for me because it's absolutely a

reasonable solution and people will aggressively ignore it or get angry with it contextualize the very idea as typical of their political opposition and actively reject it just furiously knowing on a live cow mumbling bloody snowflakes or privileged white men imposing the patriarchy of science on us to delete as appropriate. A dancer's old as the internet itself. But just, I mean, also, I mean, we have to cut back on not just red meat, but also poultry as well.

And I do worry. I mean, I ask, is this a price worth paying to have a planet that is still habitable in a hundred years' time? I don't give a shit, I'm gonna be dead by then, but what I don't want is to be pecked to death by a vengeful turkey roaming the streets of Britannia trying to settle a family blood feud going back over 40 Christmas is. Your emails now, this comes in from István Vanhurk in Belgym, dear Chris Andy and whoever reads this mail, I heard in some news reports that some people in Britain are stockpiling food and medicines and this has got me worried. What should we in Europe

stockpile that is made in Britain? Please help us. PS, as a Belgian, I always have a year supply in waffles, so food wise, I'm okay. So I don't know, when you ask what is made in Britain now, I think the answer is absolutely nothing physically, since we've outsourced all our manufacturing to anywhere else in the world. So it's just a general sense of misreading our own history stockpile that you should stockpile drunken Bucks Knights. They're Britain's major export to Europe, aren't they? They'll really miss those. And in Belgium, of course, I mean, the Battle of Waterloo arguably the biggest drunken Bucks in history. So, supermarkets have been stockpiling stuff.

They issued a collective statement to the nation saying, you might want to plant some fucking potatoes in your garden and teach your cats a lax. It's about to get fucking choppy. Dear Andy, long time Google listener here, just wondering how your tour of North America constitutes a tour of North America if your only destinations are in the USA. Sincerely, Jordan, a hurt Canadian.

Well, for a start, all Canadians are hurt. That just comes from a nation that plays too much isockey. Well, there's a number of reasons behind this. One, I find it very hard at the moment, and I have since January of 2017 to say the word USA without feeling a bit sick, the pit of my stomach, something I have in common with many people from the USA. Also, when I initially said it was going to be a north of North America, there were a couple of Canadian dates on the putative schedule that sadly did not eventually materialise, and on the flip side, my North American tour late last year consisted only of dates in Canada, albeit only one date in one place in Canada. So I'm just evening it up.

But anyway, the bugle will return to, we'll come to Canada at some point in the hopefully not too distant future. All the dates for the American tour through late February and early March are now up on the Bugle website and elsewhere on the internet. Do come along and bring all your friends, the show will feature me, live, Alice, live, but on a screen and contributions from other Bugle regulars and possibly one or two local guests. So do come along to every single one of those shows with your family and everyone you know. Yes, also if you're not in America come to my filming of Ethos on the 17th of February at the Museum of Comedy.

There's a 5pm and a 7pm, so you can come see it twice. Well that brings us towards the end of this week's a bugle. Don't forget to spend the rest of this week and indeed all of next week booking your tickets for all the Bugle live US tour shows. There's also a Bugle live show on the 19th of March in Glasgow at the Stand Comedy Club part of the Fantastic Glasgow Comedy Festival and I'm doing a standle live show on the 19th of March in Glasgow at the stand comedy club part of the fantastic Glasgow comedy festival And I'm doing a stand-up show the following day at the stand in Edinburgh. That's the 20th of March So see you at all of those shows and we'll be back next week with more from

Whatever is happening in the world. No doubt. It'll be a happy happy show and before I go this week This morning while I was writing a bugle, I was, well, devastated to read that Jeremy Hardy, the fantastic British comedian, has died after having cancer. He was a delightful man, as many of you will have seen. I did my political and a number of times you'll have heard him on the radio, or seen him on television. He was one of the great inspirations to me as a comedian in the early stages of my career. One of the people who made me want to do political comedy and it was very upsetting to hear that he died and do seek out his work on the internet. He was one of the finest comedians I've ever worked with.

So thanks for listening once again and we'll be back next week. Goodbye.