The Bugle - Will Obama's stimulus package work? Who cares

Episode Date: March 2, 2009

The 65th ever Bugle podcast, from 2009. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Buglers and welcome to Bugle 65 for the week beginning Monday the second of March

2009 with me and his ozman here in the glorious city of London and in New York City mr. John Oliver Hello, buglers Hello, Andy. Oh, you said hello to Bugloos as well. Yeah, I thought that was a Bugloos as well. Oh, well, you know. Boom. I am all things to all Bugloos, John. Really? Big claim for the start of the Bugloos, Andy.

Huge claim. It's Bugloos time. I'm excited to be back after a week. Andy, can you tell? I can tell, yeah. Do you have a day of a nice little break? I did. I apologise to Bugloos my absence last week. I can't tell, yeah. Do you have a nice little break? I did. I apologize to be with my absent last week.

I was in St Thomas in the Virgin Islands trying to de-stress myself. I've become quite stressed. And what I did was I swam with a turtle. And that really did the trick. And it's hard to be stressed around a turtle. I just don't think it can be done. In fact, I think all future Middle East negotiations

should be done in a gigantic water tank with turtles swimming around. Yes, it'd be expensive to set up, but what price peace? That's right, did Charles Darwin ever start a war? He did not. He did not. At no point, I made it back from my ludicrous trip to Texas with President Clinton. Oh, yeah.

And for what you've been waiting for this? It culminated, Andy, in a five-hour dinner with him in his hotel room, which I left at two in the morning. Just you and him. No, it was me, the 42nd president, Natalie Portman, Matthew McConaughey, and Nondy Usamoya, the all-star corner back from the Oakland Razor. That is a group of people you would not expect to be in the same room. You might expect all the others to be eating dinner together somewhere.

I think it's my presence, which throws that whole gathering out of whack. Of the many, many highlights of the evening, he was talking about, the present was talking about what TV programmes he likes now. And he said, I don't get to watch, I'm going to do my Clinton press now, I'm going to press that much. Oh, I said, I wasn't clear before you. Yeah, I didn't get to watch much TV when I was president But now I got two favorite shows first Gray's Anatomy love that show

But my absolute favorite of all is 24 24 I mean I can see you say that I didn't see that coming I'm pretty much said as much to him and he said he said back Oh, no, you've got to try it This most recent season they're best yet. You can see the kind of things the bowers getting up to And he kept talking about 24 all night even when we were talking about torture like they're on and he said I'm probably true. He said you see that's when you need someone like power The guys incredible. I'm telling you truth. He said, you see, that's when you need someone like Bauer working for you.

The guy's incredible. I'm telling you that Bauer gets things done. He said Bauer so many times. I started to question whether he 100% knew that he was a character or not. He probably thought it was a documentary about his last couple of years in office. And he had Madeline Allbrach. She was his Bauer, as far as I'm concerned. That's right.

You see, the things you could do with a piece of lead type. I'll take you where for that, John. We could probably do a Bill Clinton story every week for the rest of the year. Yeah, to be honest, there are others. Maybe we can split it up. We'll just feed them out gradually. So this is people 65, 65 of course,

is a retirement age for people in Britain, but not for podcasts. So we're going on strong. Until our relatives put a pillow over our faces in 20 episodes of time. See Monday the 2nd March this episode is for John which means that it is 55 years and a day. Since the 1st of March 1954 when America heroically broke the world record for the biggest ever bang. They lay down an 8th bomb reputedly 1000 times more bangy than the Hiroshima Kaboom. 15 megatons of pure wax spanked out on a Pacific archipelago, vaporising an atoll,

and really screling over a load of innocent fish. Of course, the Soviets later went bigger in 1961 with a 50 megaton wopper. That sounds like a burger keel meal. They certainly bugged those strange things here in Testis. I think as a species, John, we're just not quite as good blowing up Pacific islands as we used to be. You know, the French were really good at it back in the day and the Americans were really leading the way.

As always, some sections of the bug log going straight in the bin. This week, they include a meaningless list of the world's 10 most meaningless lists. But loved of newspapers in the modern world, these most meaningless lists include the top 25 shoelaces of all time, the world's 10 most ordinary benches, the 8th Z of plastic cups, the greatest 36 breakfast cereal to the 1980s and celebrities three favorite limbs. This week Debbie Gibson, she's gone with both of her arms and her left leg, disappointing for the right leg there.

Also in the bin a new fantasy audio demolition game, this week we give you the audio of a condemned tower block just seconds before demolition. And next week we'll give you the Big Cub Bo. Also before we start every week now on the Bugle we will be joined by a special celebrity guest who will be with us throughout the show in the special Soundproof Safe. This week celebrity in a safe is the former US Secretary of State James Baker. Mr Baker thank you for joining us. We will not be hearing from James Baker later in the show.

Tom can you put some more water in this bottle I think he's getting first. Mr Baker, thank you for joining us. We will not be hearing from Jamie's Baker later in the show. Tom, can you put some more water in this bottle? I think he's getting thirsty. Top story this week and it's new, new deal time. New deal two. This time it's newer. Prime Minister Gordon Brown stated this week that the world needs a global new deal to haul its sorry ass out of the economic deathbed

which it's currently napping in. For those who think that word. Basically yes. He argues we need a global new deal, a grand bargain between the countries and continents of the world. Well, good luck with that GB. Everyone loves the grand bargain. And this is all part of the EU's attempt to forge a common position ahead of the major G20

economic summit in London in April. And yeah, that should be fine Andy. The EU no toys they agree on almost everything. They're like teenagers at the start of a relationship. Oh my god, you like fishing quotas being relaxed. Me too! We're so in sync. Let's go carve our names into a tree. Are you BFF? Is that what you were like as a teenager, John? Yeah, that's like, if I could have ever found a girl who was profishing quotas being relaxed, perhaps my adolescence would have been different. Right, no, she was, I never found her. Potential sea change for global banking. Gordon Brown said that the banking system must be based from here on best principles.

Of course, until now, it's been based on a mixture of worst principles and no principles. True, that is true. So this meeting was in Berlin, where Brown made this statement. And of course, British leaders do have something of a checkered history of coming out of meetings in Germany with meaning of a soundbites. So, let's hope Gordon Rounds and you deal, doesn't backfire quite as loudly as Big Neville Chamberlain's little piece of paper. The G20 economic summit in London, Andy, that is going to be very exciting for you, having

it right on your doorstep. Yeah, I know you're a huge economic summit fan. I love them, but I couldn't get tickets. They were only had 20 tickets. That's a shame. That's a shame. That's a shame. They did other leaders of the world's richest nations. Didn't you turn up to Davos and especially made replica costume of a draft taxater in a customs treaty?

I was, that was a lot of Lycra and he must have been hot in the summer. Are you still going to take your autograph book down there and see if you can meet with some of the world's leading financial analysts? Oh well yeah, I'd love to do that. I'm sure that they don't... Oh great fun! Great fun, will you sign my book? So John, what do you expect that this new deal will contain? I mean for me I'll predict that it will hopefully contain policies such as not totally

destroying global economic stability through irresponsible short-term profiteering. Yeah well I guess that's a possibility although this would be something of an abandonment of a proud Western capitalist and human tradition. I think it's possible, though, Andy, that you could get a very effective new deal, just a single sheet of paper with written in the middle of it, don't be an asshole. And if just everyone who worked in finance just laid that on their desk, and they could look at it when they're about to do anything, and they go, oh, I was about to be an asshole, thank goodness. I forgot about that new deal that I'm making of not being the asshole that I am.

I think what the new deal should also include is some kind of scheme to make sure that we bring down China with us because China are really poised to take advantage of this situation. But they all also depend on us to buy their stuff. So to me, the situation is like when you're left with a friend in a cake shop, but there's only one cake left.

So what do you do? Do you eat the cake? Do you let your friend eat the cake? Do you share the cake or do you throw the cake out of the window? Lock both of you inside the cake shop and then release a hungry, man-eating tiger dressed as a cake to eat both of you for lunch. It's got to be the last one. Well, it has, John, because you might not win,

but at least your friend won't win either. And that's exactly. That's human nature, John. That's what we should do with the Chinese. And that's what's known as a happy death. But this is the French called it the Le Joli Mall. Did they, John? No, they're very sprightly after your turtle swimming.

Yeah, obviously it won't last, but let's enjoy while it does. Have you sort of bought a turtle to just keep it in your bath Well that would just be true. I haven't got a bath. Oh And also if I ever get a bath the pink I'll walk a penguin fur Where if I get two baths? They'll put I'll get a turtle love guru to John then you'll be able to afford two bath fingers crossed Oh

Congratulations That's right. I wrong the gang worst film of 2009 it's official it's not an argument anymore I was I did think when I saw that you'd you taken the the razzle is it the razzle it's the razzle the razzle when it's taken the gang for the razzle I did wonder whether the reason you weren't here last week because you were going to the ceremony and writing a speech. That's right, yeah.

It was a proud day. I was not a flight recently. There was some films to choose from. The Love Guru was there and it had two stars at a possible five. The next film you could choose was Space Chips, which had three stars. Space Chips, a superior film to the one that I was in.

Back to China. Things are not looking good for Hong Kong, John, because during the Chinese New Year recently, in a traditional ceremony, Hong Kong official picked out a numbered fortune stick on behalf of the city, and he picked out number 27. And that, of course, is the unluckiest of all numbers according to Charlie's tradition.

And the financial times reported, a fortune teller at Chacon Temple, shrouded in an incense and consulting the heavens for inspiration, declared that it meant Hong Kong could not isolate itself from global financial turmoil. He's that, that's true. That's what that stick, that little number, it's fortune stick meant.

So 27 is, of course, a very unlucky number. It's the age when Jimmy Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, Robert Johnson, Brian Jones and Kurt Cobain all pop their clogs with varying degrees of rock spectacularity. Pretty unlucky for those guys. Number this also the number of piano concertos penned by music whizz kid Mocharts. He, Unluckily, is now dead. Therefore, Unluckily doesn't get royalties when he's still popular smash hits like Mocharts 27 piano concertos. That's tough luck for the Salzburg Sizzler. 27 also the number of Therefore, unlucky doesn't get royalties from a still popular smash hits like Mocharts 27 Piano Concertos. That's tough luck for the Salzburg-Sizzler.

27 also the number of legendary racing drivers, Gilles Villeneuve's car. He un-luckily died in that car. 27 of the books are the new testaments. That's an unlucky book because it is a tissue of lies from soup to nuts and has indirectly resulted in the deaths of thousands in war to prove how true it is or isn't. That's unlucky also, 27 the code for international phone calls to South Africa. That's unlucky as if you use it, you will have to hear one of the world's least attractive accents if you get through. William H. Taft was the 27th president of America. Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taft! Taftaffed! Taffed! Taffed! Taffed! Taffed! I speak the Queen's English. That could be the most shockingly British pronunciation you could say. President Taffed! Taffed!

How pleasant to meet you, Taffed! Taffed! He was so unlucky he got physically stuck in the White House bath. Or is it bath? And had to be crowbared out of it by six White House aides in the gallon of butter. Apparently. That's a true story. You're making this up. 27th president.

Yeah, yeah, you cried wolf too many times. That's a wolf outside. Oh, wiki pedius, that's a true story. You're making this up. 27th president. Yeah, you cried wolf too many times. Death wolf, there's a wolf outside. Oh, wiki piety. That's what that's seen in last tango and paris of play's done. And the salt smut. That could be the bluish joke you've told on the bugle. What got into you today? Have you, have you got a brandy and a cigar with you there? And a smoking jacket? Is he's gone to be 18s and above this new door. Also 27 counts any of the number of performing snakes required to play a possibly authentic plate of spaghetti in pasta the musical.

The meeting was in Berlin, John, it was to exchange tips between these leaders on how to look especially serious and gloomy. And also, more particularly, how to talk, whilst giving the impression that they have any more chance of fixing the crumbling, grumbling world economy than actor Ben Stiller has of becoming the 1923 Wimbledon Women's Single Champion. In other words, close to zero. Obama Talking News Now, and President Obama addressed a joint session of Congress for the first time on Tuesday night. This is often called a state of the Union speech but was not officially called that this time, presumably due to the state the union is currently in. An actual

state of the Union speech might just involve the President winsing shuffling his feet and saying, you know, not as bad as it looks if you're looking at it from a distance and kind of cock your head over to one side. Yeah, God bless America. See, yeah. The official line was that seeing as this is a new administration, they felt today were not in a position to take responsibility for the triumphs or disasters

of 2008. Okay, I mean, I'll get the disasters list, but what triumphs might those have been, Andy? The Olympic medals in Beijing? I think that was basically it. And in fact, when you think about it, under a Bush administration, Michael Phelps, won a record number of gold medals.

But under an Obama administration, he's simply the world's most famous drug addict. LAUGHTER Is that change America wanted to believe in Andy? I mean, I know it doesn't apply, but is it? Hahaha. Doing this speech Obama stated that America faces a day of reckoning, which sounds like a Vin Diesel film or a wrestling event.

Either way, he had my full attention. Hahaha. I expected to say there was an asteroid hurtling towards the earth, which I suppose metaphorically there is. We just need a financial bruise willis to strap himself to it and divert it away from us. That's my bailout plan. $3.6 trillion, John. That's what he's pledged, I believe. That's quite a lot of wedge, John. I mean, I still get excited when I say 50 quid and use tenors. And it does seem to me that he's following up President Bush's fingers crossed 2008 campaign,

with a new, here goes nothing, oh, nine scheme. And I think there's me that he's following up President Bush's fingers crossed 2008 campaign with a new here goes nothing Oh nine scheme and I think this other things he could have spent this money on John for that money He could have bought probably 42 million motor boats and pretty good quality ones as well now Let's remember everyone loves motorbikes and the governments of the world could have clubbed their bailout money together To make sure there was maybe one motorboat per hundred people in the world now This would have been titled everyone in the planet to at least one hours motorboating a week. Now, start from the obvious boost that will give to the beleaguent motorboat manufacturing sector. It is impossible to claim that the world would not be a happier place

with everyone motorboating. It's true, Andy. I mean, it sounds like bullshit, but it's true. A David Gurg in response to the speech saying the first hour of the speech was FDR fighting for the New Deal, the second half was Lyndon Johnson fighting for the Great Society and we've never seen those two presidents roll together in quite this way before and he's right Andy it's the greatest presidential hybrid since they managed to crossbreed taft with Grover Cleveland. I don't know how they did it but the result was spectacular. Sadly there was a complication and the hybrid had to be chased down and shot. with Grover Cleveland. I don't know how they did it, but the result was spectacular. Sadly, there was a complication and the hybrid had to be chased down and shot.

Well, you say that was FDR fighting for the new deal. What it actually meant was FDR fighting with a newed eel and elongated, uncloathed fish. What would it eel be closed in. Well, I know, jacket. From more likely, I guess, a sock, a long sock. A formal sock, yeah. As far as it's a formal occasion, you know, you've got to respect the office. Half a pair of long johns. Some Republicans accused him of being light on detail in this speech as to what his economic plan is.

But to be fair, that is what he spent the last two weeks explaining to journalists. And a prime time TV address possibly isn't the best place for dense fiscal policy discussion. You'll have people reaching for their emotes to change over to half-ton mom. The Republican response to Obama's speech was delivered by Bobby Jindal. Now, Jindal is the governor of Louisiana and, uh, Louisiana. God, you've got me doing it now. Just, just saying it.

And it's properly, John. And it's a long, eh? A's a long. Jindal was the great hope. Jindal. Jindal was the great hope of the Republican party until shortly after he opened his mouth at the start of the speech.

It wasn't just what he said, but it was how he said it. And it kind of squeaky, lilting, unsettling, creepy voice, which made you feel as if you were talking to you like a two-year-old. And a two-year-old, which didn't want to be alone with this man. He criticized that a barn of a pledging $140 million to Volcano monitoring.

Yes. Because John and he also kind of cited poor government response to Katrina. And I guess if there's one thing that Katrina has taught the world, it's to actively not prepare for environmental catastrophes. Exactly. Good one, Genders. He added, I don't believe in volcanoes anyway, who's to say they actually exist. Some self-proclaimed scientist I expect makes me sick. Just because a mountain's got a temper doesn't mean we have to spend 140 million bucks monitoring it. And what's with this healthcare spending stick? I feel fine.

Genders celebrated his disastrous speech by heading with his family straight on vacation to Disney World. That is now going to be a kind of colorful wake for his political career. I hope Donald Duck has an absorbent shoulder to cry on. So we'll Obama's scheme is 3.6 trillion dollar scheme work. Who cares? Well the entire population of America and by association the rest of the world is own well-being is interrelated with that of the US economy. But other than that, John, who cares? [♪ BELL RINGS AND BELL RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND BIRDS RINGS AND Finally, all those berry farmers who've been listening to the view of the waiting for 64 episodes go, come on! Something that's relevant to my life, well, it's happening! Berries!

A proposal to name the Marion Berry as the official berry of the state of Oregon. I love this story. Has been scuppard by a man who grows and I quote, a rival berry type. by a man who grows and I quote a rival berry type. He's in fact a Blackberry farmer, the old enemy of the Marion Berry, and objects of the fact that it might get an unfair edge of a Blackberries if it becomes official. Now, you may be asking yourself now, what the f**k is a Marion Berry?

It's a hybrid Blackberry, so it's not even a different f**k berry. It's like Pepsi and Coke, I don't care what you say. They're the f***ing same. Now, Oregon accounts for around 90% of the world's Marion Berry crop. And this story throws up three key questions, I think, here on the eat one.

Does Oregon really need to have an official berry? Can its berries not just live side by side on hedges around the state, must we fight? Two, why are we arguing about berries? And three, seriously, America is approaching economic meltdown. Why are we arguing about berries? Well, I guess I would say in response to that, as the old saying goes, look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves. So if you look after what states have what official

berries, then the overall economic picture will take care of itself. Now, Republican Vicki Berger, who spearheaded this campaign, has withdrawn her proposal now, saying, I'm not going to bat over internal disputes in the berry community. Berry community, it's no community lady, it's a berry's viper's nest, it's kill or be killed out there. Do you know how many berry growers are murdered in Oregon every year? Neither do I, but someone should find out because it might be some. Could you grow up in Bedfordshire? What was the official berry of Bedfordshire?

I'm not sure if we have an official berry. In Kent, it was the Tiger Berry. It was the official. It was this stripey look-a-cross-between a raspberry and a tiger. Yellow and black stripes, but a berry, but could kill you. I mean, none of that... That you just said is true. Well, that's neither here nor there, John.

And just because it's not true doesn't mean it's any less valid than anything you've just said. Other news now, and former novelist Charles Dickens has been cleared by police of any involvement in a botched attempt to steal rare manuscripts of his own short stories from revolting the British Library. Dickens, who turned 197 a couple of weeks ago from Westminster in London, failed to report to Snowbrook magistrates court last week to answer charges of attempted burglary in failing to cooperate with the police inquiry. But was exonerated after it emerged that he had died in 1870. British Library Security guard Branford Arboriel, 47, described the terrifying incident. I saw a guy with a beard on the pavement outside I emerged that he had died in 1870. British Library Security Guard, Branford R. Boreal, 47,

described the terrifying incident. I saw a guy with a beard on the pavement outside the library looking a bit shifty. I thought to myself, I bet that that ****ed off of those Dickens manuscripts. And then I thought, hang on, that could be Dickens trying to pull an OJ. He wants his own memorabilia back,

and he's probably packing heat. So I pulled my emergency library lock down lever and opened fire. The guy ran away screaming, just like Dickens would have done I now accept with hindsight that the man in question was neither Dickens nor an associative Dickens But I maintain that what I did was right I will guard those manuscripts with my life and with the lives of others if needs be and I'm sorry to hear that Dickens is dead My condolences to his family. He was a top geezer and you which end of a pen to hold

Horace keeping you up at night, Andy. Here's the Charles Dickens fact-jump. The rapper Chuck D was named off the Charles Dickens. So when he applied for the job as vocalist for public enemy, he wrote on his application form that the Victorian novelist was quote, an inspiration and someone whose work and beard, I hope to emulate in the medium of rap,

adding, I know I can do this job, and I hope you will consider me for the position. He included with his application a six-hour hip-hop version of Dickens' unfinished novel, The Mystery of Edwin Druid. Edwin Druid ironically was the nickname, by which D's fellow public enemy employee, Professor Griff,

referred to his own torture. And Professor Griff named himself after his own childhood hero, Jasper Griff in the Oxford University Professor of Classical Literature. Interestingly, the first draft of a tale of civ cities begins, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Flam-o, Flam-o! I think we're learning, I can't take a week off. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- feature section now and the feature section is about the official year 2009 that that's right and we're two months into 2009 which seems the perfect

time to do a two-month late look at the year ahead well this is more John looking at what 2009 is the official year of because you know every year is the official year of something I mean I guess 1945 was the official year of because every year is the official year of something. I mean I guess 1945 was the official year of ending the war. 1966, the official year of England winning the World Cup. 1974, the official year of Andy Zoltzman being born. That kind of thing. But 2009 is more so than any of them. It is the official year of three things, John. The official year of reconciliation. The official year. We'll see, sir. The official year... We'll see about that.

Well, is that just pure coincidence that that is the first year after George Bush has left office? Yes, that's right. When did they announce that? God, Nostradamus was right. They announced that the day after the 2004 presidential election. Also, it's the international year of astronomy. And more importantly, John, and I think this really humbles us all. It's the international year of astronomy, and more importantly, John, and I think this really humbles us all.

It's the international year of natural fibers. I know that this is the international year of natural fibers, it's really to raise awareness of natural fibers. I'm not sure my awareness has been increased so far. Right, you know, I mean, have you not felt, you know, when you put on polyester vest or whatever it is you wear in America these days, you know, felt yourself feeling just a polyester vest or whatever it is you were in America these days.

You know, felt yourself feeling just a bit kind of like a traitor to a little bit of manmade. Yeah. I haven't really felt that way so far, but I mean, it's early days yet. We're not even out of February yet. According to the official website of the International Year of Natural Fibers, which I believe is sponsored by the United Nations, the year of celebrating fibres produced by plants and animals. It does not include modern man-made artificial and synthetic fibers such as rayon,

boo, nylon, boo, acrylic, boo, and polyester. And also tree fibers are not covered by this international year, but they will be one focus of the international year of forests in 2011. Okay, well balanced. Yeah. So I only see exactly, I guess there's pluses and minuses of natural fibres, John. I guess one pluses that you're using Mother Nature's Bounty of Skifts and makes you feel at one with the planet that's enabled you to live. But on the minus side, you could get eaten by a crocodile. I think that might be the bravest set up for a joke other than heard. There are pluses and minuses in natural fibers. Guess the punch line there,

kids. Well, actually, if it wasn't for natural fibers, so John, we've got to look back to history. Mankind will still be wandering around with balls and boobs of Kimbo, like the slutely exhibitionistic, prehistoric hominids we once were. So I mean, if you have to make a choice, John, what should you prefer? Plants or animal natural fibers? I mean are you a flax man or a mohair man? I don't think I'm either a foater. I'm trying to look at what I'm wearing now.

I think I'm all mad at you. I'm glad you're actually wearing something for once. Well that's right. I'm not wearing much. I'll tell you that. I don't know. What's the banana hammock made out of? Oh, it's 50-50. Well it is now.

What's the mark, the International Year of Natural Fibers? I will do the bugle for the rest of the year with a natural jute hemp bag over my head. Now you said it was also the international year of astronomy. This got me thinking about bin Laden because bin Laden released a new type recently with the usual Twitterings. Now, where are you going? I'm definitely the West. Where are you going? It needs to find some new stuff.

Anyway, the point is, I started to think about astrology and Ben Laden was born on March the 10th, making him a Pisces. So, okay, yeah. I looked at his horoscope for today and it was just interesting to see what he can look forward to. He says, something's likely to knock your confidence a little today.

You may think you're not able to put your finger on the source of this setback straight away. It's probably gonna be the West. Yeah, I think the West. But perhaps you're looking in the wrong place. Give yourself a little space to work out what the problem is and how to put it right. Uh oh. And I started looking at the official traits of Pisces Andy.

Now their likes are feeling appreciated, feeling loved, freedom, stability, freedom. I'm not sure about that. Stability, mystical settings, enchantment, dreaming, having their input valued, being unique, dislikes, feeling vulnerable, having no goals to move toward, feeling invalidated, that's certainly true, being criticized, he doesn't like it. Eliteracy, noisy scenes and displays.

Uh-huh. You've got to bump that up, having no sense of structure and the West. So yes, and this is, as you say, the internet will be a astronomy job. If you've got to call it astrology, then you know, I'm sure Galileo will be perfectly happy with that. Oh, f*** him. It's all to do with stars and it's all nonsense. Astrology is funny, what's going to happen to you in the next week or month? Astronomy is finding out extremely rough details

of what was on 5,000 years ago and billions of miles away. So I guess, you know, there's two ways of looking at every sky at night. But people often say to me, Andy, could you live without astronomy if astronomy was banned as a branch of witchcraft? And I say, I could, if I owned a massive telescope,

I'll be pretty pissed off. I think that says it all about astronomy. And so here, to mark International Year of Astronomy is a bugle constellation guide to some of the recently discovered constellations in the sky. These include the swearing nut case, a constellation near and drometer that looks like a mad old man

shouting at a traffic cone. Dionysus is chunder, a collection of supernovas on the edge of the Mamacast Memorial Galaxy, that on a clear night looks like the ancient Greek god of revelry, puking his guts out into a ditch, was flicking a V-sign at Apollo and copying a gawper Aphrodite's wapplets. And the Bon Jovi, an explosive megastar, 40,000 rock years away, the sonic ways from which sound like the opening to you give love a bad name.

Your emails now, this one comes from Katie Priest in Indiana, and she writes, Dej on an Andy, my sister and I are going to visit the UK this coming fall. Oh. I believe if you're visiting the UK, you'll be visiting it this coming autumn Katie. Anyway, just thought I'd get that out of the way. I was wondering, what are the top three must-see sites for a loyal bugle as first trip to London? Oh, okay. I'm going to go bar a market, Andy. That's one of my favourite things in London. Right. On a Friday in the Saturday, they probably go on a Friday to Little Quieta, because

then you've got London Bridge and the South Bank to enjoy as well. Yep. Get some nice food from barrow market and wander down the South Bank, maybe pass the take modem and go over the new Wobbly Bridge. Alright. Okay. Well, I'd go for a more of a kind of bugle angle on this, and I would suggest that you go to the Florence Nightingale Museum, which is right by, I believe, St Thomas's Hospital, just on the South Bank opposite the house of the parliament. And once you've been there, frankly,

you need to take the rest of the day off, and then you probably want to sneak back over the next day in an overcoat. And what about a third one? Well, I'd then just, yeah, I just probably take a walk to clear my head. So I enjoy your trip. Also, thanks to Stephen Hallum for his latest updates. You can still contribute to the Rudy Giuliani 2008 presidential campaign. Unbelievable. So thanks. Do keep checking, check

about regularly, check about every month, just in case. And we had an email from Adam Birch, Andy here. Now this will officially stop the death threats feature, which I'm sorry this ever became a feature, but it stops here, Andy, because it's starting to get creepy. And I'm not 100% sure everyone is joking. The death threats stop here. Adam writes, dear John and Andy, after the recent spate of venomous death threats

against you both, I thought I would send a supportive rejoinder sort of. I'm not actually going to say that I don't want you to be killed or that I would try and stop it from happening. Instead, thank you. Instead, I will say that if anyone is successful, I will round up a posse. Yes, I can say posse now are the steady march of Americanization and exact bloody vengeance upon the perpetrator and as an added bonus, anyone within a five mile radius just for being there and looking shifty I hope that helps. Add and Birch from the north of England, as he writes, where the Vikings are, the real ones, not the city ones who stayed in Scandinavia. We started a civil war amongst buglers, fight it out.

So do keep your emails, flooding into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk and don't forget to check out the all new hyper-improved websites all be it without the blog that I promised last week due to a few technical teething issues. But it'll be absolutely when's the blog going to be working? Whenever you decide to actually do some work. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? I've been waiting all week. Just give me the go. Give me the go.

Don't worry, we'll set it up. It should be ready next week. Sport now. And Tiger Woods is back, John, albeit that he's no longer back on the grounds that he lost his second match in the WGC Extension Matchplay in of all places, Arizona. But he made his comeback, John, on Wednesday against the little known Australian Brendan Jones. Now, we've all heard of Tiger Woods, John,

but I'm not sure we've all heard of Brendan Jones. True. According to the official World Golf rankings, he is the 64th best golfer in the world, but he's by no means the most famous player in the history of the game. And it was only really the profile of playing against Woods this week that has brought him to the public attention. In fact, before this week, even his own family didn't actually know that he played golf. His parents were asked by journalists if they were excited about their son playing the tiger and they replied, oh, we didn't know his local amateur's dramatic group. We're doing a stage adaptation of the Winnie the Pooh stories. And his father said, I expect to be disappointed. He'd been

gunning for the Piglet role. Before being told that their son was in fact a pro golfer, they replied, well we've never heard of him. They continued, well we don't know exactly what he does, all we know is that he leaves the house for months on end and when he comes back he's got a deep suntown and loads of money. You've got to admit it looks dodgy, so for the sake of family harmony we thought it best not to ask. So that's it for the bugle this week. John has been a pleasure to have you back. It's great. It's been quite a giggly bugle this Sunday. I'm too euphoric at being back. How old are you? You're 31.

31. I'm 34. And this is Bugle issue 65. This is the first time we've ever done a Bugle issue that is the sum of our combined ages. Wow. But there ever be another. Well, I know, but as an hour. So 65 is retirement age.

So what's the forecast for this week? Whether the bugle will be back next week or whether we'll be in a rocking chair staring out of a window waiting for the blissful release of death. I guess that's the forecast. Which one are you going for? Don't know, Andy, we're tired.

So that's it from the bugle Fairwell, James Baker. Thank you very much for being with us. And if there are any famous people you would like to not hear on the Bugle in our special safe, do email us in your suggestions. Bye bye! Bye! Have a lovely week! I'm going to be a little bit more careful.