The Bugle - World News Update

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

A quick tour through the US (Trump, urghh), Moscow (nice tank, dude), Pakistan (spin your way out of this) Australia (is it on fire or flooding) and, thankfully, space, where you can finally get a half decent meal. Andy is with Alice Fraser and Neil DelamereWhy not check out 15 years of top stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanAlice Fraser Neil DelamereProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Well, I think I'm peaking a bit.

Hello. That was 2005, I would have said. Ah, God. That recent. Well. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha one of the most cordial of all possible welcomes. In fact, we're talking top 10% of all the welcomes in history. In terms of cordiality, so you better appreciate it when you get a f**king oxy, I just dropped out the top 10. But never mind. Welcome to the bugle, it's issue 4263 of the world's longest running and only audio newspaper for a visual world. Over 550 episodes now, unrelenting factivitiveness and joining me

for another one today. Oh firstly, currently in Sydney, Australia, it's Alice Fraser. Hello Alice. Hello Andy, hello Bugglers. It's a delight to be back. It's great to have you. How has your festival season been? So far so good. I've got to say the first, oh, a week of my show was pretty a f***ing brutal. was pretty a f***ing brutal. Because it turns out that if you stop giggling because you have a baby, you get rusty. And then the very kind people who came to my first week of shows bore the brunt of that right in their stupid faces. Just me with a wet fistful of jokes going, is this funny?

There's a lot of all sorts of things. Also, Johnius, I don't know exactly what, is Neil Delamay, Neil, where are you? Here is it, I am in your bedroom, while you're in the shed. I am remodeling your house. What are you doing with it? You're a wife and family sailor. And I'm moving it. I'm moving it slightly to the European Union.

I just thought you'd like to try it out for a little bit and then you can make a decision in a while. A bit of nostalgia. We'll see how it goes for 40 years and then if it's really working objectively very well, we'll move. Yeah. But what I'd like is if you could split between your children and your wife, like

the bare minimum amount of people who want to move the house, then we'll move it on that piece, okay? Okay, and in 40th time I'll be in about the right age bracket to impose that decision on future generations. It's all going to work very well. So welcome Neil, how are you? I'm very well. I am in the midst of May is communion and confirmation season over here. And my young nephew is obsessed to a technology. So he asked me for a drone, for a drone

for his confirmation. So the bottom, the cheapest drone possible. and it goes up and down and it has a limited kind of altitude Now he would call it a kite But I'm very much sticking with analog drone for the moment Well, that's good and also I mean it what you know it's a religious time and what is God if not the original Floating above us I was gonna not the original prototype drone floating above us, snooping on the way? I was going to say the original prototype kite, isn't that the spine? And therein lays the grid schism between the major religions. Drone or kai.

And not to make this personal, but is there more stuff in your shed than the last time I saw the inside of your shed? Well, that's a good question, Alice, and that very much depends how you look at it because what I've actually done is tidy the shed and organize it so there's more stuff now on shelves and less stuff on the floor which as you can see is... Oh I've never seen the floor of your shed and I've been in your shed at least eight times. So no it's I think there's about the same amount of stuff I've taken some stuff out. I brought some stuff in, mostly cricket memorabilia, and I've tied it up.

We should explain that your shed is Mary Kondo would walk in and just go, no. No. No. Just turn around and walk out. He must live a life very full of joy. No, I was just a bit disappointing because I was playing a game where I just took pictures

of the increasing amounts of junk in the background. I was going to animate it to look like your shed was creeping up on you. Yeah, it starts off kind of normal. Then it goes to hoarding. Then it goes to full on channel 5 documentary to be honest with you. There's a point which is an intervention will have to be staged. Why songs I can still move enough to shuffle my bits of old cricket stuff around? Then that's fine. It's your happy space. Yes. I'm recording surrounded by

this assorted junk. No way to describe your panelists. On the 15th of May 2023, a day on which in the year 1905, the city of Las Vegas was founded at a ceremony in which officials dressed in white-flared trousers, spangly white shirts with the top few buttons undone, and gold rim sunglasses. They declared Las Vegas inaugurated, and the founders then in a series of musical statements outlining the city's constitution constitution called for less verbal discussion and more concrete deeds and progress in the expansion of their new city They then toasted for its hope for long life as a city before a minor earth tremor left the officials saying they were To a man feeling completely shuddered a decision was made to build a prison on a rocker rocky Prometry and they did also votes to bring in the world's first dating service, but in the spirit of competitive American entrepreneurialism, invited potential contractors to submit bids to run its Lee Song, Love Me Tender, thus rounded off

the city's founding day celebrations on this day in 1905. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, after Tom Hanks threatened that AI could allow him to continue starring in films long after the unlikely event of his death. We reviewed the forthcoming big budget AI-enabled blockbusters that give movie fans the castings they've always dreamed of, but never seen. Including the romance sizzles on the screen and off the screen as a young Clark Gable attempts to woo fellow detective Margot Robbie from neighbors as they try to solve an unsolved murder in the chat GPT orthodacic who does this corpse and how did it get here. Rick Moranis and the early 20th century silent movie star Mary Pickford start together and honey I elongated the cat a hilarious slapstick paper and

Moranis quite literally gets the silent treatment from Pickford after a botched experiment results in a family cap becoming 60 meters long. Also coming 19th century opera star Jenny Lins will thanks to AI star and the musical adaptation of the erotic thriller Basic Instinct. The music is being provided by an AI Joe Green or Giuseppe Verdi, of course Anglicise for today's text-avieword world. The libretto will be by an AI Joe Green or Giuseppe Verdi, of course, Anglicise for today's text-avieword world. The libretto will be by an AI Billy Bigworth himself, William Yellis-Ewis, I'll hack out some anti-Jorkis propaganda for you, no biggie-shaped beer. Also, alongside the new basic instincts, we have Jurassic Park, Popes to the Rescue, starring rescue starring starring an AI version of the 17th century Pope innocent the eleventh as himself in the latest in the Jurassic Park franchise alongside his

predecessor's Calix, the third and elaborate ceiling fan Julius the second the popes find themselves brought back to life as part of a botched experiment to create a Christian Stegosaurus and they have the rescue Jeff Goldblum and AI Clara Bow celebrity British micro prince Prince George played obviously by to create a Christian Stegosaurus and they have the rescue Jeff Goldblum and AI Clara Boe, celebrity British micro prince, Prince George, played obviously by a body double from the hanger of backup identical children, the royal family keeps in secret in case of emergencies. And they have to rescue them from a rampant horde of Tyrannosaurus Rex Pope John the 12th hybrid crossbreed dyno pontiffs in which the bag is called Ponte Frex. In which the bad boy of 10th century papacy finds himself in a flesh-rending,

Pidly Arms, Megacarnival, reptiles body and reeks have across the whole of a stunningly accurately rendered 6th century BC Babylon, a water film that is set to be reviews of all those in our section in the bin. Can I just say if Jurassic Park has taught us one thing it's in the first movie it's that a Pope should never shoot in the woods. All Popes vision is based on movement as well I don't like it on this. If you're basically you're at mass and if you see the holy water just kind of tremble it means that the Pope has been nearby. I like to mean you think that that's made up and that is less, less fantastic than the Catholic, Catholicism that we had to learn for our Holy Communion at school.

I'd to learn quite a bit of stuff from my bar mitzvah, but I learned it all in Hebrew and I was never taught what it actually meant. The best way to do religion. Do you know if somebody from the DUP is listening to that entire fantastic film, the only problem they would have at the end is there's no such thing as dinosaurs. Top story this week, the world. We're looking just broadly at what's going on in the world this week. We'll start with some world leaders, current former future, possibly all three, in some cases, including the former American president Donald Trump, who achieved a first

last week, not the first first in his career. He became the first former US president to be found liable for sexual assault. They were named Insurrection Fan and Black Belt Nation splitter received the verdict last week on Wednesday at 9 a.m. on Thursday UK time. This was lead news, understandably, on most news sites in America, almost all in fact, most in the UK, many around the world. But Fox News website managed to find somehow 21 stories to put above the Trump verdicts on its homepage in one of the most spectacular displays of editorializing in the history of the internet, which, and that is a high bar. I mean, there used to be that a politician being found guilty of having a slightly overdue library book would feel the need to tearfully resign and set up a penance

driven charity to help people return things they borrowed on time. Now, for Trump, it seems being found to have sexually assaulted someone has given him a handy boost in the polling. Can either of you explain what the f*** has happened to A America and be the human race? I think it's an extraordinary win for Trump. He manages to spin a civil conviction for sexual assault into a victory in the culture war. That is tertiary level, like Trump, he's gone away to Mar-a-Lago, like Rocky in a Rocky movie.

Everyone thought he was getting out of shape, it turns out he was just strangling a chicken with his bare hands and telling a side of beef that it looks like a bad person. And America used to know how to make a side of beef that Newer Woman's place was on the Miss Universe competition stage and not suing innocent predators for simply using their God-given sociopathy. And if America didn't want Trump to be rich and successful, he wouldn't have spent the last 50 years being allowed to pretend to be rich and successful. I'm sorry, Andy, this is so like the rage I feel at having to

make jokes about Donald Trump again is so pure that you could sell it to Gwyneth Paltrow as a day talk product. Hi. Could you make it into a candle? So the GOP, her is a group, isn't it? So apparently GOP is within Goop, the Grand Old Party. This is all working together, Alice. This is genius. That's what this is. I mean, it's genius to the level of CNN having him on. And did you see this interview that Donald Trump did on CNN?

Right. Well, I tried to watch some of it and found myself overwhelmed by a sense of the futility of human existence. And I needed to turn it off and bury my head in it in just I don't know. Across between a pillow and the book of sports statistics just to try and cleanse my soul of it. It feels like the direct result of the rightest strike to be honest. It's everything that is wrong with the entertainment industry nowadays, just uninspired reboots of previously successful properties.

Haven't they already run the Give Donald Trump a platform opposite a journalist unequipped to deal with his particular form of malignant blaster and resentment, stoking catchphrasery? Haven't they already done that? It's self-stickets. I know three things about Donald Trump. One, he's a mendacious eagumini act two. His era is attached to the fixed point. And if you stamp on his foot, it hinges up like a pedal bin. E. G. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. A. C. A. C. A. A. C. A. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. C. A. A. C. A. C. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. be subject to earthly rules. He is unbelievable. But CNN rather cynically enjoys a rating boost from this. Is that what we're going to do?

Now we're going to put on somebody with opposing views to the networks, general viewers who antagonize them into watching it. I can't wait to watch Fox News feature an hour of Greta Thunberg dress as a sexually ambiguous trade telling you how to best recycle your handgun. I can't wait to see GB news feature sentient, compassionate person. No, not yet. I actually thought I had more on that. It's a party that's just where it ends. The town hall was horrible to watch. I have a method for getting through it.

I did watch it. Every time he lies, I took a shot. Oh my god, it was it was bearable. I had to get my stomach pumped about seven times. But he just, the only person, this is my theory, the only person who could moderate that. He put it in a town hall, put it with Trump supporters. That's fine.

Roy Keane is the moderator. Ah. Roy Keane is the only person intense enough. So when he's doing this, we work very hard. Roy Keane is like, you were doing your f***ing job. But they just shouldn't put anyone up against him unless they have a fully equipped fact-checking team and a BAPAO buzzer. I feel like if you had the BAPAO buzzer, that would be the only thing that would over. It just was watching the most insane own goal.

It was the political version of fielding a goalkeeper with a football-sized hole in his stomach and octopus for fingers. Well, I mean, you say they should, you need to have a full fact-checking team. I don't think even the world's greatest supercomputer could keep up with Trump in real time. I think I mean, you'd still have to update it the following day. For those who are unfamiliar with Roy Keane, who's a former footballer, played for Notting Forest Managed United Republic of Ireland. Neil could just tell us a bit more about it. His frown is one of the few things on earth that can be seen with the naked eye from space, I think.

But we'll just give us a little more on Rokin. Possibly the most intense person who has ever existed in the history of mankind. I reckon he could stare down Genghis Khan. Come on Genghis, she didn't want to don't know. Biggest land empire ever, but come on you should have pushed on beyond hungry. I think he would fully, I think he would fully. I think he could put him in a jaws film and he'd stare down the shark. That's how terrifying Roy Kaneene is. Yeah, I find anyone's descriptions of intensity always pales beside my brother who while eating

an ice cream once said, why is all pleasure unethical? But you shouldn't blame him, he's just doing him. I just see an end softballing and adversarial interview with Trump is like trying to cure your irrational fear of spiders by filling your bed with extremely poisonous spiders. I don't understand why they did this. I mean other than a sort of cynical ploy for rating, it's not like television is a dying art form. I mean it was, as you missed it, he was interviewed by CNN's Caitlin Collins and we'll do a quick multiple choice question for you. Was Trump a remorseful humble apologetic and conciliator in the aftermath of his court case, then

tuneful an emotional in his acupelor rendition of Nervana's anthem of repentance, all apologies? Or was he be ragingly misogynistic, willfully deceitful, incandescently disrespectful towards a. The US justice system be women in general and see Caitlin Collins in particular. And also brainly confident that there is nothing the American voting public want to represent them more

than a lying sex pest answers on a postcard to the usual address. And please do not your postcards death of the American dream. The only thing you could say about that in being convicted in terms of being a lying sex pest, to the usual address and please do mount your postcards death of the American dream. The only thing you could say about that in being convicted in terms of being a lying sex best, as you said, is that there's a lot of controversy over which is better or republic or monarchy. It's good to see that in certain systems you can have both. Yeah, it's not always an either way. A lying sex best can make their way in both systems.

Yeah, that's good. It's not always that either of us... A lying sex best can make their way in board systems. Yeah, that's good. Of course, despite writing so high in the polls, it's not an absolutely done deal that Trump will definitely win the Republican nomination. In fact, just last week, his fellow Republican George Santos was charged with fraud, money laundering, theft of public funds and lying to Congress.

He also has allegations of sexual misconduct hanging over him and appears to be congenitally incapable of telling anything even vaguely resembling the truth. So it could be that he proves a worthy rival to Trump in appealing to the Republican supporter base if maybe he could just kill someone in cold blood live on national television. So I don't think it's quite as done a deal as people are saying. Moving across the Atlantic and across Europe as well to the very far side of Europe and quite a big chunk of Asia, Vladimir Putin news now. And while Putin last week had a victory day parade, the Russian victory over German in the Second World War, but in terms of recent victories, it very much lacked any kind of victory

for him to trump it. What it also lacked was more than one tank. There was one solitary tank with which Poodles tried to project a military mites of Russia to the watching world. So I didn't have victory, it didn't have military hard. He might as well have called it the vegan crocodile day parade. It was even by Poutineesque, Poutineesque standard, what's the adjective from Putin. It was unimpressive by his current standards, even by his current standards. He did proudly banish his many international trophies, unnecessary war monger of the year,

most deluded national leader, which is a really impressive title, not just a win, but to retain. That's akin to snake with fewest legs. But it did invite the ridicule of the world to have one fucking tank. Well, let's be fair, Andy, the rest of them were at work. I guess so, yes.

Oppressing the people of Ukraine. Yes, I suppose, oh, I guess you could have called them back, could it? Surely you need more than one of something for it to actually be a parade. Like 50 men in Boller hats and suits is an orange-yard parade. One man in a Boller hat and a suit

is a job going to the shops. It's good. Yeah. Like in previous years, the Kremlin had 77 different types of aircraft and helicopters in the parade. And this year they just had a man feeding baby food to a toddler going, here comes the plane, here comes the plane.

Oh, it's been shot down by Ukrainian defensive positions. He is currently exuding all the dictatorial majesty and artfully configured power of a half digested potato recently shot by a rhinoceros. So I mean what could Putin do to repair his damaged reputation with the watching world? If you were a career's advisor for him now, what would you be, or your advisor, what would you be suggesting? I think we're getting lost in the weeds here about whether it was a good or a bad military parade. Here's a tip. If you're marching your weapons down the street like a f***ed YouTube

beauty influencer unboxing their latest Sephora cosmetics haul. You're not the innocent defender of the homeland you're painting yourself as. Just the very idea of a military parade whether it's successful or not is a weird, creepy, weird thing to do. I'm sure, I'm sure there are some innocent men who've run an extremely normal military parade down the fascistically wide streets of your city to the wildows of people who are sweating heavily for no reason. I'm just guessing that those innocent men have never included Vladimir Putin, a man who was reputedly born with some like enriched uranium in his tiny fist. Like a modern Genghis Khan. Well, you got to remember that this year he is probably more fearful than ever given that

terrifying assassination attempt by Kiev. I mean, they have denied it, but judging by the sheer amount of explosives used in, it was an attempt on his life. I don't know if you saw the pictures, but they flew a drone into the Kremlin and tried to kill him by dropping what appears to be one-litth match onto one or maybe two other own lit matches. So it's lucky he survived and he's probably used that as an excuse to not go full-bore on the war. X-Crickets are news now and Pakistan's former Prime Minister Imran Khan was arrested and then released after the

Supreme Court in Pakistan ruled his arrest was illegal on corruption charges that well, many people believe to be not entirely open and honest. Now Imran Khan is clearly a divisive figure. I mean, some people say he's in the top 10 cricketers of all time, others disagree, mostly those who haven't studied his stats properly. He is certainly someone who's not quite the dominant figure he once was, largely because he retired in 1992 after a two-decade plus career, having led Pakistan to its only win in the cricket world cup. And there are many people who do not want him back, well, he's 70 years old and he's

lost a couple of yards of pace. So you can see why he does split, split opinion. It's a very complicated situation but really other than a few cricket jokes, I don't have a lot on to be honest. But all I'm saying is it does show that when prominent 1980s or rounders go into politics, does show that when prominent 1980s all rounders go into politics, it's not always going to be a smooth path. That's what I took from it all. Yeah, I guess we can be thankful that Derek Pringle of Essex and England didn't follow suit and try and become our Prime Minister here. Yeah, because if he starts a war once he pops like... Minister here. Yeah, because if he starts a war once he pops like, you know what they say about ex-cricuters turned corrupt politicians, no rest for the wicked. Yeah, apparently they turned off the internet in Pakistan because his party dominates the narrative online. So former

Cricketer, better at spin, shocker. I've been this is for you, he wasn't a spin bowler. No, I know, but I'm not suggesting he does all his own stuff either. Like, I'm just kind of loosely using a cricket term for the purposes of comfort comedy. That's all I'm doing there. It's got to be accurate, no. Yeah, yeah. I think that's what's important. That's what causes Pakistan politics to fall apart as Biden, accurate use of bully techniques.

I mean, I stand corrected. I've been reading about Pakistan politics in recent years. I've what a right it's been. So she arrested Benazir Bhutto then she had him jailed when she good in then he got back in and jailed her Under-Hosband then can had Sharif and his brother jailed who's now the prime minister when can was arrested So basically a Pakistan your election expenses are posters ads jail Your go-phone me page basically says, well as with as little as $2 a day you can protect Imran from the Aryan brotherhood the Crips and the bloods when his tenure ends.

$5 a day will furnish him with a shiv made from a sharpened toothbrush to protect himself. It's very interesting to watch, I have to say. His main focal point of eminence seems to be the leader of the army and he said there is no democracy in the army and you think well at point out there's no democracy in any army. Very much the point of the army. Hannibal wasn't let's take Rome and the lads were like I didn't vote for that. What about you Dumbonelli? Oh she seems up for better travel. She started packing anyway. I mean if you had any foresight as a corrupt politician in Pakistan, you'd furnish the jail with like a really sweet cell because that's where you're going to be staying in about

three years. Yeah. You see, invested in the, invested in prisons. Yeah. I mean, I think if in Britain, if we have the same system, and I mean, judging by some of the people who have been Prime Minister, we would do well to head in this direction. Then I think that's the only way to get the government to properly invest in improving our prison stock.

If it's going to have an element, that element of self-interest. I would suggest maybe stopping referring to them as prison stock would be the part one. Have you sent many cuff and ships to the colonies lately there Andy? I was talking about the buildings, not the people. That's not how it came across. No, how it came across was on a series of small nevermind. Bit of Australian colonisation jokes there. What's on the baller was he? Well he was glorious, fast baller was able to generate prestigious in swing. I mean I could go on for quite a long time. Let's be adapted after he lost his pace, though, Andy.

I thought that was quite important. You know, he was still still still still still still still and also his batting got better and better. And you could argue, make an argument that P. G. Mankhan played cricket at a high level as anyone in the history of the game. But look, this is not the podcast for that. Just no, it's not the podcast that discussed in

Mankhan's stats from 1981 to 1987. It's not the podcast that discussed in Moran Counts stats from 1981 to 1987. It just isn't. Absolutely isn't. Does Imran Counts undeniably sparkling history with both bad and ball make you feel more kindly disposed towards his political corruption or less kindly disposed towards his political corruption Andy? be disposed to was this a political corruption Andy? I'll probably more, I think, to be completely honest. That's really what I've got against Putin, he's very, very poor cricketer. Australia still digging for coal news. It's not stopping, Alice.

The government in Australia has approved a new coal mine, despite having been elected on a climate action platform last year. What temperature do you think Australia will have to reach before deciding that burning environment aggravating fuels might not possibly be in its own long-term interests. That's right, Andy. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, by more sandwiches and the other is the fact that we're constantly on fire or the only thing that puts out the fire is the floods and the only thing that dries up the floods is the next fire. So it's a difficult thing to manage and negotiate our way through these choices and I mean it's not the government's fault, their hands were tied. Genuinely they have no option but to approve a new coal mine if nobody objects in the right way

doing the right time frame which is sort of behind the bike sheds on a very small form in backwards writing and send it on a pigeon to the moon and then if it comes back then they can stop the coal mine and this is because Australia's laws are so friendly to people that want to dig the f*** out of our land. Only one coal mine proposal has ever been blocked under these laws. And that is because all of the laws in Australia over the last 50 years have anything to do with exploiting unnatural resources. We're written with a hefty man holding a large club made of mining interests

standing behind the people signing the legislation. So you really can't blame the government, who you can blame is all previous governments in our entire system of government and their hands deep deep in the pockets of our mining interests. It is so when you don't know as much about it obviously as somebody who lived lives in Australia It does seem that there's a weird kind of cognitive distance going on So the granted permission for a coal mine, but the government is also enshrined into law more strange than emissions reductions, like 43% by 2030. So it feels like someone's going, okay, we're committed to reducing drink driving deaths and to celebrate free bar. Where

is the party? It's in a venue completely inaccessible by public transport, so you will have to take the car, mind yourselves, everybody. And on the other side of this, the environmental groups said they were posted to mine for fairly obvious reasons, but also because it might damage the habitat of animals like the ornamental snake. Now, I think you would undermine their necessity for the ecosystem. If you've called them the ornamental snake, like the ornamental snake is vital for the functioning environment, as is the purely decorative platobus and the window dressing kangaroo. Oh, don't know. You don't understand the context, but whereby the ornamental snake is the one that isn't going to kill you.

That's, oh, it's only one snake. Oh, okay, right. You're legal fall off, but I mean, that's as bad as it gets. The new mine, all mine, will produce 2.5 million tons of coal over five years, will be used in steel making, other coal-related activities being building giant coal statues of Shane Warren and being used as a prop in Parliament by politicians like Scott Morrison, the former Prime Minister, who once took a lump of coal into Parliament to show his support both for the Australian mining industry and for the end of the world. Yeah, they caught between a rock and a hard place and the rock is the coal and the hard place is the other coal that's still on the ground.

And they have to dig it out and all coal in Australia currently is an own goal. So... It's a tough situation. It's a tough situation. It's a tough situation. It's a tough situation. The Bass News Now and, well, exciting times for Saturn, the Ringed Planet, famous for being the second biggest planet in the solar system for several million consecutive years, and for

having rings that make it fly more smoothly around the Sun than non-ringed planets such as Earth and Saturn's big rival Jupiter, is claiming to have 62 more moons than was previously accepted. Very exciting news for Saturn. The bonus, extra moons, will give the hydrogen-based mega-blob, which clocks in at the size of not one, not two, but 763.6 Earths. It'll give it a total of 145 moons putting it above a very angry Jupiter in the most moons rankings Earth still lags way behind with just the one moon, but sometimes it's more about quality than Quantity and what a moon we have a no frills moon just doing its thing affecting the tides getting bigger and smaller depending on how it's feeling Now in response to this Elon what, Musk has proposed installing 150 additional moons

for the Earth. Of the Earth. 970 odd years to put us above Saturn and give the planet a real confidence boost heading into the fourth millennium, but the logistics and finance remain muskily obtuse. 145 moons. Imagine how confused the maths are. And they're always called Greek names like Phoebe or Titan, never Keith, Daphne, Banki. That's what I be calling them.

It is hard not to see it as an implicit criticism of Neil Armstrong's achievement. It does. It does seem like we went to the moon. You went to ammo, Neil, relax. There's at least a hundred and forty5 to go on that other planet. I would like to see humans land on each of Saturn's moons, just to watch the degradation in the profundity of the speeches that the astronauts would give. As they land.

It starts with one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind, but like 20 moons in, you're like, we wish you were here, and then 50 moons in it's just 50% off all being cute lawnmowers for one day only it's just gonna get worse and worse like it should also be said that those moons aren't very big some of them are only a couple of miles wide so that's not even enough to make you go full wear with I think you'd need a big moon for that. I think a little moon, you just be walking on to straight one day and you just suddenly be able to lick your antesticals, but that will be randomly start chasing the car

for no reasons, but have no other symptoms whatsoever. Well, also this is the sort of stretching the definition of the moon in that a lot of these parts of larger moons that got cracked up. And I feel like that's not fair to call each individual bit that is broken off a new moon because apparently size is not part of the definition of a moon, it's not the, you know,

it's the motion of the ocean that it doesn't affect, I think, is the thing, but you can't just cut your dog in pieces and say, now I have six dogs that gets you arrested. I wish you'd told me that 20 years ago. I love that dog. Those dogs. The moons have been described in the moon press as quotes like a low grade dumpling, pointlessly small, the kind of undersized orbiting gobbit of space bullshit that Buzz Aldrin wouldn't get out of fucking bed for,

and a floating shit on a stick without a stick. So people are not that impressed. And you mentioned the names of them. We are running out of mythological figures to name them often. When you've got down to Amidonius, the ancient Greek mythological figure who gave Heracles a freak a bathroom is van when the 12 labors star was hungry after a big stable's cleaning gig and was granted an eternal supply of chili sauce by gratefuls uses a result.

You know you are scraping the barrel. So I mean, could these new, I mean the possibilities for what these new names, moons could be named, I mean, could one be named after the bugle? I think that's... I'd be happy to have a potato-shaped micro-moon, several million miles from the surface of Saturn to help publicise the show. Or maybe they'll just take the name to the top 32 tennis players and the current men's and women's rankings for the 62 new moons and just disqualify two for being especially Russian. by two for being especially Russian. So, you know. No. In other space news, well, it's the news that we've all been waiting for.

Within just months, it will be possible for all of us on this planet to go to space and have a Michelin Star meal for just $130,000 each. Paird wines are available for just $60,000 per diner. I don't know what the tipping is in, because you obviously got to add the tip on for, I mean, what's your tipping space? Because it's a French company behind it. And French tipping and say American tipping is very,

I don't know what is the, what's your tipping space? Does anyone, does anyone know what? I mean, you can't tip in space because every direction is up. Right. I see that. It's tricky, isn't it? And these are the kind of side logistics, no one really thinks about. How excited would you be by the prospects of having lunch in space for just $130,000. I would gladly pay $130,000 just on the very small chance that somebody is taking their beloved girlfriend up to space to show them this incredible time, high, high above the earth and proposes to her and she says no. This is the initiative from the space tourism companies, Zafalto, and they really want to

have this refined and elevated meal, high up in the sky, Michelin star meal. Of course, any meal at that height is going to be elevated. But I just think if you apply the logistics of aeroplane food, this is even higher than that Which I got to assume means the food is even more disgusting. Well, there's no way this is going to go off smoothly. Most of the flight delays across Europe in the last few months have been caused by French air traffic control strikes. If you think that those lads are going to let you eat in space, let the equivalent bump in paying conditions for them, you are sadly mistaken. You'll be in your balloon,

you look out your window, there'll be a lot of lads and yellow vests in their balloon, setting fire to a third balloon. That's what's going to happen. I think it's very important thing for humanity. I think it sends a powerful message that's, you know, for everyone watching on Earth looking up at this balloon, it sends a message that anything is possible. Sorry, not anything is possible. It sends a message, bad luck plebs, we'd love to help that one in space having a spot of lunch. But I don't mean, this is this question of lunch in space. Pigs in blankets in space, presumably will be one of the one of the one of the dishes available But the edge of it describes the edges. It's 15 miles above earth

25 kilometers. That is defined as the edge of space, but going among How far space goes that's I mean, it's quite an unimpressive bit of it's not having lunch Heading towards Alpha Centaur right is it? I mean, it's really stretching the meaning of it. So I have an acupathy whilst leaning on the Japanese Embassy in London and then announcing to your, your latest travels to your friends saying, I've done Asia. It's impressive for me. The menu, of course, has been designed by celebrity celebrity chef, gluten malvain. Freshman, the reopening of his perhaps too realistic Bible themed New York restaurant, Testamento, chapter shut down after on its opening night. There was a bit of an issue.

The amuse bush of Snaken Apple, Pierogi, had to be eaten before diners were allowed their clothes back, followed by an art float haunt. There was no vegan option. On a morale flood topped with a re-et-of-dove with peas. Unfortunately, the actual flood released into the restaurant did cause structural damage and the meal had to be abandoned before the piester resistance crucifish with a resurrectio of rescued soul. But for the space trip, for the space trip, Malvaine will be offering zero gravity gravel acts. It's a logistical challenge, but a tasty one. A on. A poio eel heaven which is a Spanish chicken eel dish. tribute to the first lunar landings served with all bitter gourd and spudniks in soy sauce as nibbles, astro nuts or cosmonuts, your choice.

That brings us to the end of this week's Bugal. Thank you very much for listening. Next week we'll have exclusive coverage of the World Air Clarenate Championships with Britain's Percival Fast Fingers Drenchard. My minimum to Mozart in the quarter final. Alice, anything to plug? I am doing a headline set at the Tokyo Comedy Cafe on Thursday, the 18th of May. And after that, I will be doing shows in and around London and the UK. And I'll be doing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival also. If you like this audio newspaper, you might like the Sonic Glossy magazine to this audio newspaper,

which is the gougle of which I am the host. We deal with all of the news and none of the politics. It's my one safe space where I don't have to make jokes about... Neil. I'm doing a gig in the SSE Arena in Belfast in February that I'd love people to go to. You can follow me at Neil Delmer, come on in on Instagram and I do a podcast that producer Chris has been very company complimentary about thanks Chris. It's called Why Would You Tell Me That and we look at the most interesting stories we can find. It's non-topical and so you can listen to them all and we've covered stuff like why you might throw a turf at a corpse. That one was about funerary games, Aphantasia, the condition where people don't have a mind-size, so they can't

visualize, they can imagine things visually, or the Darian scheme, which was Scotland's attempt economy in Panama. So all sorts of weird stuff that people were like. Also, I'm running writers meetings on my Patreon if you want to ride with me. There you go. I will be doing the bugle for the foreseeable future, also the news quizzes on which you can find on BBC Sounds. We will now play you out with more contributors to the bugle voluntary subscription scheme. We have joined the Wall of Fame. If you want to join the more, give just a one-off or a current contribution to help keep the bugle free, flourishing and independent, go to the bugle podcast.com. It is a well known fact that Bob Dylan often needed help with his lyrics. For example, it

was President Lyndon B. Johnson who suggested tweaking Dylan's miserable looking Dutch woman to sad-eyed lady of the lowlands. All of our wall of famous this week have made similar contributions to improving the lyrics of songs now regarded as classics of the modern musical canon. Beginning with a couple of people who also helped Bob Dylan, Roger Colwell, suggested that Dylan change his lyric, it's gonna absolutely bucket it down to a hard rain's are gonna fall, whilst Mike Hall suggested to the American songs that the clocks go back this weekend for daylight saving would not prove quite such an enduring folk anthem as the times they are a change in. Adam Brewerd helped the British rock legends The Who, who were set to begin their classic

song Substitute with the lyric, There was a regrettable incident involving disposable cutlery in the labour ward. Adam however suggested changing that to, I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth. Dave Tapley helps the whose contemporaries the rolling stones. On his suggestion Mick Jagger's first draft, hire everyone, I'm minted and stylish but old and a bit of a bastard, were improved to what became the famous lyrics of sympathy for the devil. David Wilson helped out the Red Hot Chili Peppers, famously massive fans of English coastal resorts. Their intended lyric, can I have a one-way ticket to Bogna Regis, was improved on the suggestion of David to take me to the place I love, take me all the way.

Back in the 60s, Christopher Gantner helped out Otis Redding when he was penning the lyrics to the hit that would become particularly famous when sung by Aritha Franklin. Redding, a notorious scrabble obsessive, had written, I've got a seven letter word, I don't believe it first time ever. Christopher suggested improving that to R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. Dave Henley helped out with another lyric based on a much loved game, Snooker in this case, and a song by the Irish rockers U2, who had written a song entitled Excellent I've Potted a Red but I'm not sure what colour to go for next.

Dave suggested changing that to the more simple one. Tara Nash helped out Kate Bush change what was her rather prosaic, outspaced complaint the ski lifts have broken again to the more iconic running up that hill. And Joe Riley stepped up to help the white stripes change their rather cumbersome, it's about time NATO streamlined to just the US and six leading European military powers into the Catchier Seven Nation Army. And finally, Eric Knudsen turned James Brown's song about buying his father something to put his golf clubs into the famous smash hit, Happers got a brand new bag. Thank you to all our Wall of Famers once again.

Thank you to all our Wall of Famers once again.