The Bugle - Worst Comeback EVER (4202)

Episode Date: August 21, 2021

Andy is with Tiff and Alice to explore a minor week in news. Including the collapse of a nation, the hottest month ever and really freaky fake-brain-eyes.We are funded entirely by you, the listener. Listeners who sign up via thebuglepodcast.com have long enjoyed the opportunity to get: mentions on the show (in the form of lies), merchandise and general sense of wellbeing for supporting this fine work of art. As of this week you can also support the show directly via Apple Podcasts. Our new channel ‘Team Bugle’ also includes The Last Post, The Gargle and Tiny Revolutions, shows which currently carry ads - but they will be completely ad free on this channel. So if you love The Bugle, and it’s siblings, then please support The Bugle via our website or Apple Podcasts where you can subscribe today.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - COLD AND WET WEAVER T SHIRTS ON SALE NOW). Listen to The Gargle here: https://pod.link/GargleFollow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanTiff StevensonAlice FraserAnd produced by Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers. Welcome back. The bugle summer break is over. This is bugle issue 4,202.

I am Annie Zoltzman back in the shed of unquenchable truth. Unquenchable. LAUGHTER Across routine unquestionable and unquenchable, which I think is probably entirely appropriate. Let's stick with it. Joining me to review the summer and the current states of this planet, or indeed the winter, if that is your hemispherical bag. Firstly, from the wrong side of the world in Australia, it's Alice Fraser.

Hello Andy, hello, Vueglers. Yes, it's the end of the summer holiday, although it has been winter here, but I've been vibing with summer holiday vibes. I've learned how to ride a bike. I've forgotten how to ride a bike. I've re-learned how to ride that very same bike. I've been on adventures, and all the adventures that one can have in the course of a two month lockdown. all the adventures that one can have in the course of a two-month lockdown. So I mean what exactly are those adventures pointing at a tree and thinking about mainly deeply psychological but also some whales. There were some whales that went past and that was very exciting. Well it went past your house.

If I walk a little away from my house I'm at the place and I can watch the whales go past. I say not directly outside the house. If I walk a little away from my house I'm at the place and I can watch the whales go past. I say not not directly outside the squeegee your windows, but they've already started. Also joining us from much less far away, just a few miles from where I am in the shade in fact here in London. It's Tiffany Stevenson. Hello, Tiffany Stevenson. Hello, Hi Andy, hi, people. Fam. Going with Fam today.

How was your summer been? I mean, it's been a typical British summer. Plan days out ruined. I was thinking about going to Chessington World of Adventures then I read the online reviews and decided against it. So it's been very play stationery, a little bit rainy. I've been out and about in the garden. I got bitten by quite a few mosquitoes last night, so it does feel like I'm on holiday in that sense. But yeah, you know, just keeping it real.

Right, because I've had a very pleasant month on the hiatus, went with the family to Spain, and then it's been two weeks being paid to watch cricket. So I'm in a state of extreme relaxation, to be honest, that even the state of the planet hasn't entirely broken. We are recording. Andy, Navanna. We are recording on the, I can highly recommend it. I just think, you know, if there was more test match cricket played in all trouble spots around the world, everything would be fine. I'll stand by that. It's the 20th of August. On this day, in 1940, Winston Churchill made one of his most famous wartime speeches containing the line,

never was so much owed by so many to so few, which seems silly now, but to be fair to Winnie, see he did splurk that out a little while before the 2008 subprime mortgage crisis and the advent of online gambling. Today, well, this is really... I always assumed he was talking about the many billionaires and the taxes they don't have. It's impossible. That could have been the subtext. We just don't know. You never know with church or you could interpret them in many ways. Today, Tiff, is World Mosquito Day? Well, exactly. Don't those blood sucking ship bags get enough publicity as it is. That is...

I mean, I don't see... Why do we need to publicise these... I mean, what are they? Is it awareness, like, they're out there, watch out, they're bitey bastards? I don't know. I assume it's just with Mosquito support organisation. I feel like there should be something for us people who've been bitten. I feel like there should be something for us people who have been bitten.

I feel like there should be an online, I think there should be a mosquito bite support group where we can talk about the best ways to deal with them because I've tried vinegar, but I have scratched them. The first rule is don't scratch them. I got straight in there. Scratch the f*** out of them. Well you can't let the mosquitoes win, can you? You can't let them change your scratching habits. As somebody who grew up in Australia and also went to Burmer a lot as a kid, I feel I'm going to expert on this hot spoon. We'll denature the poison in the bite. Hot spoon.

Makes it less sticky. My mother always went with half a grape. Cut the grape for half. Rub it on the mosquito bite. I've no idea if that has any medical back in it. Hot spoon and half a grape are blamed. Last memory I think. I feel like my experience with mosquitoes has burned

me out on vampires. People always like how sexy vampires are. But whenever I see a vampire, I assume they just make a louder version of the mosquito noise. Just like you're blood. It's very annoying. As well as, well mosquito day, which is a campaign that the bugle is not supporting, it's male grooming day as well.

Also, I'm fatically not getting behind that with all due respect to Chris and it's like jury and it's like jury of locks. Male grooming products always remember to never use the word aging. Always treat men like returning war heroes. That's fatigued. Fatigued like you've just come back from combat. That's the rules for the male grooming products. Right, so I have a fatigued hairline as I was saying.

Yes, yes. That's good work, put it in. Rather than cowardly as some have suggested. Chris, how's your summer been? It's been absolutely fantastic, Andy. I have managed to hold down two jobs and not lose either of my children yet. It's pretty like I think if that was my aim going into the summer, I'm gonna hit it at the end of it and you know life goals. Yes.

As always, a section of the Bugle is going straight in the bend. This week, a natural world section to help the natural world fight back in its battle against the bad luck of biodiversity or destruction. We at the Bugle have teamed up with the organisation for the introduction of new creatures, or Oink, to give you Bugle as the chance to choose a new hybrid to be bred in captivity and released into the wild. The world has already seen wonderful hybrid creatures entertaining and thrall millions. The Mule, the Tygon, the Larger, which is a llama Tyga hybrid, the sausage dog, the mermaid, the horse, Jessnut, the buffoon, crossbed in a buffalo and a raccoon, the snake, which of course is half worm, half crocodile.

The widgeon, crossbed in a whale and a pigeon, which of course itself is a cross between the pig and the camudgeon. No wonder the crap when it go. You can choose from one of, not one, not two, but five contenders for the new hybrid to be unleashed on the world in spring of 2022.

Contender A, the Zebrillium, the Zebra Chameleon Cross that can flip the colour and pattern of its stripes to order. Contender B, the Bumble Vulture. Do you like birds of prey? But wish you could hear them coming. This Busy, but Carry and Hungry B, Scavenger Cross could be the one for you. Never again be surprised when a car patchy or addicted raptor swoops down to feast on your local carcass. Also, stripy. Contender C, the Labra Dolphin, lovable loyal

doggie but with added aquatic functionality and sonar, sign me up. Contender D, the Tyrannosaurus ferret, fairly self-explanatory, and contender E, the anacondaminium, part snake, part apartment block. Let us know your preferred creature, and the winning entries will receive one daddy gamut, one mummy gamut, and a deluxe silk-lined blue tooth-enabled auto-wum to grow them in. Do please send us pictures of the results. Also, in our natural world section, Fossil of the Week. This week, our Fossil of the Week is Geraldine, an 8cm long 420 million year old trailer bite from modern day Portugal,

much missed by all who knew her. Geraldine sadly did not live to see her beloved Portugal in the 2016 European Football Championships, but nonetheless was proud to be an authoropod, and a member of one of the most successful and long-lasting classes of animal ever to grace his famous planet. Whilst little is known of her personal life, she is thought to have been a keen swimmer and owner and user of a very natty exoskeleton who was highly skilled in the use of antennae. While some of her lifestyle choices and world views may seem dated to our modern tastes, Geraldine seems to have lived a happy life and been an valued member of the trilobite community, and although she guarded her privacy tightly tightly she never once complained about being preserved for

eternity in rock and how did in death by the paleontologist. Geraldine is our fossil of the week. That section in the bin. Top story this week. Bad things happen when the bugle is off air. In 2016, when we were in between the John Oliver years and the everyone else years, of which Alison Tiff had been such distinguished contributors, it was Brexit and Trump. And in the 2021 Summer Hiatus, Afghanistan has proved once again that old anti-history knows what she's talking about

when she's trying to sit us on her knees and say, let me teach you, f***ers, a valuable lesson. Well, this is unquestionably a tough story to deal with comedically. It has, if nothing else, helped clarify the answer to the question, what is a power vacuum? Is it a, a household cleaning device? B, what you get if you put the phrase electrical failure

through four languages in Google Translate and then back into English, or is it C, the inevitable conclusion of two decades of Western intervention in Afghanistan. All three are correct, but this week we're going to focus on option C because with heartbreaking inevitability, not seen since the hyper-elistic stage production of a target who came to T was cancelled off to just one performance. The Taliban have completed one of the modern world's less desirable comebacks. Why couldn't it have been Elvis? Why couldn't it have been beyond Borg? No, it's the Taliban. I'm guessing, you know, having worked with both of you quite a lot now, neither real massive Taliban

supporters. Is that a thing? Taliban stands, I think they're called right? Yes. I I've been watching it unfold. I think the main thing is that I've been sort of keen to just like not see as the takes on Twitter as it's all unfolded. I know Twitter has an are you sure function, but going by the last couple of days, I think we need a are you serious? You want to post this absolutely creditous nuclear taste that lacks the most basic level of sort of human empathy. You know, we need like a Twitter version of the Microsoft paperclip that says it appears you're engaging in what aboutery, can I help?

You know, because we shouldn't have gone in, thanks Dave from Ipswich, like talking about what we could have done 20 years ago is no, like is no help to the situation we we're in now so I've been sort of blown away by how awful people have been on social media as this is unfolding Yes, interesting to see Afghanistan in the news again because it has been in reality the whole time But it's notable that's in the news because nobody hates covering the news in Afghanistan more than the news News loves a simple black and white story that could be summed up in a rolling ticket-ape scroll at the bottom of the screen and the ticket-ape scroll that you'd need to cover the complexity of the situation in Afghanistan would make

the biotapestry look like minimalism in storytelling. It's f**king horrifying. All of these armies are retreating and leaving everyone who help them. There's people falling off planes and trying to climb onto planes and desperately trying to get out of this country. All the women are terrified. It's just a bad situation altogether. And as Tiff says, people seem to really

be invested in tweeting about it. I think we can't be surprised when the UK a'r gweithio'r gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio. Mae'r gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn I sort of, I was baffled by like getting what we can talk about in depth is like, what are we doing? Like Dominic Robb, who thinks foreign secretory is when you take your assistant on holy bobs, really, because he has no idea of what that role entails. Like after Brexit, he proved what immense negotiator he was, and the hits just keep coming. During the pandemic, every time he's asked a direct question, he displayed more swerving than a fast and furious film. And that this now is like just I thought could you get lower than rock bottom, but it was revealed, wasn't

it, that ministers did not make phone calls about extracting the Afghan translators? Like this is fucking disgusting. I don't really know how sorry for this way, how else to say it. But like Dominic Rob was too busy to pick up the phone, which is read in the midst of his couple's massage and creak. Are they saying for the lives? Well, he was too busy. He was too on holiday. Too on holiday.

Oh, are they fleeing for their lives? It's just on playing water polo at 1 p.m. in the main ball. God damn it, I put out of office on the email. Yeah, there are people hanging off the wheels of a plane, Dominic. Yeah, but it's three, four to the staff team. So, you know, we need to get winning. I can't back out of a tight game like that.

But, I mean, because initially it was said that he delegated this to a junior minister, and then it transpired that the call had not been made at all and the justification was, oh, we got Brexit Dunsoh who gives this shit. So I mean I guess you know that's one way of looking at it. Boris Johnson the flounder of a lander of pasties prime minister has faced a delusional criticism for dealing with the crisis exactly how you

would have expected him to deal with it. Complacently incompetently and with the weighty seriousness of an erotic marshmallow penguin. And it's, it's, I mean, I guess, you know, if, if not, there's just a general sense that there must have been a better wrong answer to this unantrubble puzzle because there are clearly in Afghanistan as history teaches us no right answers for, uh, it wasted interventions. Um, and, you know, we're left with a lot of naval gazing and soul searching as the 20-year intervention has crumbled, leaving many Afghans in for their lives,

livelihoods, futures, freedoms, and rights. According to UN report, the Taliban have, quote, stepped up their search for people who worked for NATO forces or the previous Afghan government. Now, without wishing to judge a book by its already published contents, I imagine that the Taliban are not stepping up their search for these people so they can ask them

for advice on how to run the country and the logistical challenges they're of in a spirit of collaboration and curiosity. And they're certainly not asking them for the Wi-Fi code or for fashion and grooming tips. This is, this is, it's very hard not to be deeply pessimistic about the whole, so it's essentially like, you know, if you have a house that's invested with, invested with mice and you book a pest control company to deal with it. And 20 years later, they leave. And the bill now mounting to trillions of dollars is given to you personally by a giant mouse, just as a lorry full of cheese dumped its lug in your front lawn on the mouse,

says, don't worry, we order that. And by the way, here's an eviction notice. That seems to be essentially the situation that Afghanistan finds itself in. The only upside to this Andy that I can see and it's a very thin upside is that it's always nice to see the news covering the news as it actually happens because so much of the news nowadays is what I like to call pre-news which is where people guess what the news might be about to be? Yes. That free cog, minority report. I mean, I guess with Afghanistan, the pre-news would have been from the moment that the intervention began in 2001 at what point will it all catastrophically collapse?

And 20 years, I think you'd have taken the spread on that. Yeah, I feel it was have taken the spread on that. Yeah, I feel it was when Alexander the Great looked over the valleys and went, oh, this is a terrible idea. That was your first hint, half. This was an interesting, the financial side of it, I found quite interesting. There was a report that found that the Taliban earned $1.6 billion in the financial year ending in March 2020, which is about the same as

rail Madrid and Barcelona football clubs combined, which seems a lot and also suggested they could have designed some new kit, but also makes you think, what are they charging for their merch? If there's replicas shirts, they're clearly shifting, but... And there's sort of up there with some of the government contracts that we're now, isn't it? It's... What's sort of amazing, isn't it, is how much of the America and the UK sort of justified the invasion by talking about the protections for Afghan women and what is happening to them now?

I saw a piece about a female journalist who apparently went on clubhouse because Taliban was saying, a'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd gone in and put all of the women on notice that were working. It was interesting about this as I feel like Clubhouse has actually now got a purpose, it's earned its place, because I think for ages I was like, this is rubbish, what is this thing? But actually it's not documented like Twitter or Facebook, so it might actually be a useful method of getting important information out, like a transistor radio, rather than just being a place where celebrities try and cancel themselves on a regular basis. But yeah, so people are actually managing to get information out, and we're hearing,

you know, in spite the promises of change, it doesn't look as if it's going to be that way. Like you say, like the book, don't judge the book by its contents, Andy. Yes. I think my favourite of the horrifying rules about what women are and aren't, and mostly aren't allowed to do under the New Taliban government, is that qualified women in professional positions can be replaced by a male relative. Well, this is early a qualified male relative. So I'm just waiting for the, you know, biomechanical engineers to be replaced by just their brother. Uncle Steve. Well, yeah, I mean, just for my, you know,

my mother was a radiographer in her early, early working life. And, well, having met myself, you would not want me in charge of an X-ray machine. I don't really associate extreme theocracies with press conferences. I mean, you get with football clubs. And there were no carefully placed bottles of Coca-Cola at the Taliban press conference,

but there were certain similar, there was kind of soundbar platter tubes about taking every revolution as it comes. Not getting ahead of ourselves, just want to focus on what we can control, do what we do best, absolutely ruining the lives of many people as possibly leaving a trail of irreduable destruction in our wake. Next question please. And also the story that, I said, the financial side of things, and the story read about how the international banks are trying to stop Taliban accessing the Afghan central bank assets.

And I can fully relate to how a 9-net must be for the Taliban because I had a similar incident this week, I was trying to buy some dried apricots in a health food shop and my bank card was refused and you know I can imagine it's even more problematic if you're not merely buying fruity snacks in a slightly excessive quantity but you're actually trying to impressively govern a mountainous nation of 38 million people with a rot of theocratic art and I mean you don't want to have to worry about your bank card failing. Yeah, happened to Shaquille O'Neill at a Walmart at 3 o'clock in the morning. He on a whim spent $70,000 on a Walmart at Walmart at 3 o'clock in the morning. On dry day procods. I assume on entirely on dry day procods,

but his bank card was declined because his bank didn't believe that Shakil O'Neill would be spending $70,000 at 3 o'clock. Oh, but quite high mark. My. Did not think I was spending dry. There's a pack of spending there. I've bought a lot of dry apricots over the years. A lot apricots. Shack's bank just back the ATM or the card reader popping up with, are you OK, harm?

Well, the solution to these banking woes has been suggested by the Bitcoin evangelist. So I'm not sure if they're suggesting the solution to the banking woes of the Taliban or of Afghanistan as a whole. But I think they're talking about the people doing, you know, runs on the bank in Afghanistan, just trying to get their money out before it's all collapses. I want to know if it's possible to be invested in Bitcoin and not tell everyone that you're invested in Bitcoin. Those, as part of the price you paid by Bitcoin, there's an emotional tax on top of that.

Well, I saw them kind of saying that, you know, maybe this wouldn't have happened if Bitcoin. Look, I agree that Bitcoin is a great thing, but this whole kind of like, if Bitcoin was the main system, this wouldn't have happened, has whiff of Dave from Ipswich again. If we had done this 20 years ago, we'd be in this situation now. And it's fine to talk about it, but if you're using it as an opportunity to trade, then you're no better than Wall Street who you claim to hate, like use it in the middle of a crisis going, actually, now's a really good time. Well, Bitcoin Utopianism is always so charming because when they describe the world that they imagine, it's like those horrifying movies where you start and what you think is a utopia

and then you realize it's a nightmare built on a pit of despair, precariously balanced over a swamp of depressing realities about what happens when you have the thing you think you want and the thing you want is unregulated, untrackable, imaginary money. It's just... Someone's been watching Teen Wolf. LAUGHTER So my favourite quote in this article about the Bitcoin maximalists, they call them, is from Eric Voorhees, who says,

we shouldn't pretend the Bitcoin will fix the immediate suffering here, but it absolutely helps solve the problem of empire. A Bitcoin world is a world of smaller governments and smaller governments don't invade and occupy foreign nations for 20 years. He added, failing to understand the warring principalities of medieval Italy or how small governments have mysteriously turned into bigger governments throughout history. I don't think he quite understands what he's talking about. There's been a lot of criticism of, well, of America,

generally, a lot of, again, sort of, naval gazing and soul-searching there, and criticism of Joe Biden, including from Donald Trump, whose heroic negotiations with the Taliban have contributed to this crisis. Trump, one that Afghanistan could be, quotes, another Dunkirk situation, exclamation mark, slightly misremembering the Dunkirk story, I believe, which...

Is he just going there, Sand? We shall fight them on the beaches. I think so. I think it's something to do with getting out of somewhere and Sand and things going bang. Is he suggesting that we all send over our fishing camels to take out people in ones and twos? Yes, absolutely. So, please do send them. I think I imagine he'll be paddling his fishing camel across the Himalayas as we speak.

Joe Biden said that he has, quote, learnt the hard way, but there was never a good time to withdraw American forces, which is very much lessened too in the, there's never a good time to insert American forces a course of history. Sounded like he was describing the rhythm method there. I just saw the like family showtiff, family show. There's someone who's not taking the temperature of their cervical mucus. Well, I mean, that was not a sentence that I really anticipated getting into the into the story about the Taliban, but someone, it's the last thing the Taliban would want.

So, you know, let's... Yeah, I feel, I feel a precise specific is about female anatomy. The more I say those things out loud, the more I feel I'm striking a blow. Thank you very much in the same way as doing a tweet about it is making a difference. Well in case you've forgotten about the Taliban over the last 20 years, here's our quick catch-up Taliban Fact Box. The name Taliban derives from the word tally, meaning everything that is good, joyous, hopeful and just, and the word ban, meaning ban. The average Taliban member can name fewer than 20 of the world's top 100 ranked women golfers. The Taliban were estimated by Joe Biden in July to have 75,000 members.

That is well less than half the reported membership of the Iron Maiden fan club. Read into that what you will. When the Taliban were lost in charge of Afghanistan from 1996 to 2001, they could do nothing to stop the success of the spice girls who diametrically opposed the Taliban socially and politically, yet went on to become one of the world's best-selling musical acts. The Taliban's inability to stop spice mania undermined their credibility as an international brand. Well, you know, the spice must flow, branding.

Taliban leaders. It's my lunch, sorry. I can't believe we got there. I knew it would come eventually. Taliban leader, Hibertula Akhounzal. She was the one who who wore like a, she was the one who floated around

in a weird suit suit shouting at people. That was pan's people, was it? Taliban leader Hibertula Akhansada owns no albums by the 70s disco stars Boni M. Does not have a bumper sticker saying honk if you're horny and does not publicly envisage the dating game show naked attraction, being a surprise ratings hit in Afghanistan anytime soon. Hybetulla has never played the game I have never, but does enjoy playing the game you will never with his female friends. And finally, Scotland's Stephen Henry won six of his seven world snooker championship titles

before the Taliban first took power in Afghanistan in 1996. Although he did win the title once more under Taliban rule in 1999, he was never quite the same player after the Taliban rose to power. Disclaimer, there is no proven link between the Taliban status in or out of government and the performance of professional snooker players. Stephen Henry is strongly opposed to Taliban rule. The fact that John Higgins won his first world title was that Taliban were in power in 1998 isn't entirely coincidental. just as the Taliban have begun to crack down in Afghanistan, the only fans website is cracking down on people junking and poking their assorted undercrufts on their website.

They are set to outlaw sexual explicit material on this site. This does raise the question, is only fans a stooge of Taliban oppression, Alice? Well, Annie, it's sort of an astonishing thing, only fans being basically synonymous with selling pictures of your junk to strangers, has decided that the one thing they are no longer going to allow is junk pics, being sold to strangers. And it's sort of casting ripples throughout the internet.

It's sort of an existential doubt. It only fans is not showing pornography anymore. What can we trust about the internet? We all trust so much. What will the future hold if it doesn't hold? 299 tits. LAUGHTER 299 tits.

Whoppers for a fiver. LAUGHTER I'm going to, I'm personally moving away from that site because I have a bunch of pictures of Delboy and Trigger and they're going up on only fans and horses. Ha ha ha. Which is the most bugle joke I've ever made. I can't.

But apparently one of the reasons why they're pulling the pornography off the only fan side is because payment processing companies are increasingly putting their foot down about what payments they will allow to be processed and what payments for what, so these are a mastercard. Last year banned a number of payments to websites that were covering online pornography. It was, which, you know, I hate to agree with Bitcoin maximalists. I feel like this, if not Afghanistan, this is a problem that Bitcoin

might solve. Is it because they don't want you to get your pawn on a layaway? Is that like you can't buy pawn on a credit card? Well look, the thing about Bitcoin, if you use Bitcoin on something like only fans is you could watch so many young men masturbating about their Bitcoin. Of course, we should point out with the guy I've only found that many users do use the site for the very interesting journalistic articles. Let's never forget that side of it. But if they did, take the Taliban on as only fans, members gave them an account. It might help only fans shed the idea that they're just a

two bit exploitative filth broker if they could also prove that they can exploit hard line religious franchises as well. So they can cater for the entire spectrum of human activity from sex to sex. Well, the problem with religion though, generally reluctance to cults. The problem with the hardline religious sex though. And generally reluctant to go down the only fans' path, they prefer to go with the everyone, whether they're fans or not at all. So it could be some creative tension between the two franchises.

Environment news now and July was the world's hottest ever month. It was quite literally smoking hot, but emphatically not in a sexy way, unless you find uncontrollable world fires in a general harbinging of doom sexy, which, oh look, I'm not going to tell you how to live your lives, but it's not my thing. It pipped July 2016, previous holder of the hottest month, Kong, by just 0.01 degrees Celsius, terrific effort from July 2021, but surely July 2016 is not going to take this lying down, and it could be a classic rivalry between these two unalgoly toasty months, as they try to out toasty each other in future years. I mean, it's, it's, it's, there seem to be quite a lot of hot months knocking around. How did you find July?

I mean, did it, did it, did it feel like a moment of history? I think it was quite hot in July. I was in my kitchen with a fridge door open the whole time, so I could cool down, asking myself, how has climate change got so bad? But yeah, it was 120 in Italy. We're doing fine, everyone. We're doing fine. I just, I think like, what I would like to see, I'd like a rent awareness to be raised around climate change. And on a personal note, I would like to see more men getting naked for ecological causes. So, because women have

been getting nude on the ground for ages with captions about climate change, you know, Peter, gun control, everything. I just want to, I want a climate change dick pic and I want them to call it wood for trees. Like Kim Kardashian went nude for International Women's Day. I want Kanye to show his asshole for green piece. Call it ring of peace. Get creative. Or maybe just like on Instagram, the silhouette of a nutsack, but you can't quite make it out through the toxic fog of air pollution.

Poignant. So I think it's a good way of raising awareness. Yes, I mean possibly there's poignant images of the weeping penguin. Well, I think it's Kanye's nickname for his... Anyway, I just don't know what to do with this story. I've tried feeling sad, I've tried feeling helpless, I've tried feeling angry, I've tried recycling, I've tried mentioning how angry and helpless and sad I feel on social media. And yet these multi-billion dollar conglomerates carry on relentlessly chomping up the world's resources to the marching tune of consumer capitalism

under a thin scrim of green-washed marketing. I just don't know what to try next. Right. Well, I mean, it's green-washed marketing not enough because our local petrol station rebranded a while ago with a lovely new green logo. And since then I've just felt our chorus polluted maybe 80 to 90% less. Food news now and a new study has suggested that every time a person needs a hot dog, their death gets 36 minutes closer. Or, I mean, they didn't use those terms. I see that it's shortened to their life by 36 minutes of quality lifetime.

But still, I like to think it is bringing the moment of annihilation closer. A bit of salmon adds 16 minutes. Apparently, I could have told you that for free. From my great-uncle Ermann Jucke who ate a piece of salmon every quarter of an hour and lived to the age of 119. He'll be, then, spent the last 43 years of his life in a palliative care unit next to a salmon farm. A double cheeseburger knocks off 8 minutes, 48 seconds. But can be counterbalanced by smearing it with two thirds of a banana.

Yum, that will balance out cheeseburger, so we will neither add nor take away from your life. A hot dog at 36 minutes is one of the most effective life shortening food, but if hanging around forever to watch the planet burn is your bag, then simply make sure you eat 14 avocados with every hot dog. That puts you three minutes, 12 seconds in credits per meal, at three meals per day. After 80 years, you should be looking at living to the right bowl, days of 112. Whilst if you're to kilogram of nuts, on the hour, every hour, you will never die. On the other hand, if you love chili con carne, one of the magical life-extending foods, according to the report, but cannot face the prospect of eternal life and watching all your hot dog loving friends happily die off

in a fag of mustard and ketchup fumes shouting, jinneregrat ria, as they squirt the final squadget tomato sauce on their departing dog. Then make sure you belt down a bucket of chicken wings at the same time to keep the Reaper interested. I mean, it's nice to know that we have control through our diet over exactly when we're gonna cock it. So, and this is my favorite kind of story, and because my favourite kind of story is the story that raises the question,

who are these evil scientists? He's feeding people hot dogs with a timer, with a skull on the front of it. That sounds like perfect, only fans content. content. It just really made you worry for Joey Chessnott, the undisputed Don Bradman of speed eating who gets through, what was it, 70 odd hot dogs in 10 minutes? I'm just gonna have to do some maths here, so every time Joey Chessnott smashes a record for hot dog eating, what's that? 2,520. That's, I mean, it's almost two days of his life he's sacrificing for our entertainment. Hu-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h evolution.

Brain news now and a tiny human brain has been grown in a laboratory that has little eye things that can see light. Alice you are our obvious end of the world correspondent. Are these f***ers never watched a horror film? I mean, seriously, small globules of human brain grown for whatever f***ing reason in some kind of dish by Power Grace Science wankz. And I've coaxed them into speed-eviluting rudimentary eyes. What the f*** are these people thinking?

Again, one of my favorite kinds of stories, the story of the evil scientist who grows little brain organelles in a dish. And then this, I think the the the turn of phrase that I enjoy the most is that these little brain organelles, blobs of artificial brain tissue grown in a dish have been coaxed into forming rudimentary eyes, which I feel coaxed covers a multitude of sins in which they're sort of zapping and screaming at these tiny little non-brains, but these rudimentary eyes are totally functional, they respond to light by sending signals to the rest of the brain tissue raising the question of, oh God, what have we created?

Any of the outcomes from here are either going to be amazing or horrifying and probably both, but the reason that I love this story so much is I want everybody who's listening to this right now to look up how incredibly cute they are. Wait till they're popped into their head of one of those Boston dynamic Robo Dogs. You'll think that's coming out next year. So these eyes apparently respond to light by sending signals to the rest of the blob of brain tissue in the petry dish. And, you know, the upshot of all this, according to scientists, is obviously the inevitable destruction of our species by marauding herds of flesh eating giant hyperblog migra brains that will obviously kill us all. But I mean, that's some way down the line. I guess, you know, more, I mean, I guess it

might have some kind of medical use, but I mean, that's not your first reaction. I mean, the first reaction is, for f*** sake, stop doing this kind of shit. And in fact, I'm just hearing now that some of the bloggules of human brain have escaped from the laboratory and stormed the capital building, claiming that an election has been rigged. I cannot disagree with you more, Andy. I feel like the inevitable outcome is the creation of Krang, the charming villain in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

which is a brain and a robot case. And I can't wait. This feels like that time. And there was a story that, I don't know why it reminded me of this, but they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish. This was a new scientist special as well, to prove that they sense depth just like us.

So you just see a cuttlefish sort of banging itself off of like, we're not banging itself, I suppose, because they've got depth perception, but just like wandering the four corners of its tank going, well this is too small. It's wondering the correct word for a cut of it, like sort of... Oh, I don't know, actually. It's sort of... What does it do?

Ripples, don't they? Yeah, they're ripple and swish. I did just before this lockdown actually attend a 4D screening of the new Mortal Kombat movie which is even worse than 3D screening because you sit in a chair and then when anything happens it punches you in the kidneys and then sprays water on your face. It's genuinely the worst cinematic experience in my life. Sometimes it just blows air on the back of your neck like a creep. Sounds like two teenagers on a date at the cinema.

It's the worst. Why do you put your hand in the popcorn Alice? It's... Well, that brings to the end of this week's bugle. It's nice to be back. We will be shifting to Monday recordings for the next few weeks due to initially cricket and then the return of the news quiz. Don't forget the bugle live show on Tuesday, the 7th of September in London at the Underbellies Ear's Court venue the London Wonder Ground will feature me Chris Addison and via the One as of the Internet's Alice Fraser. Before I play

you out some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them go to thebuclepodcast.com and click the donate button to make a one of or a current contribution to help keep the show free, flourishing and independent. Are there any shows, Alice and Tiff that you'd like to alert our listeners too? Old rope is back on the 6th of September, so check my Twitter and old ropes Twitter for details of lineups, etc. A day before the bugle returns, so you could have the best Monday and Tuesday of your life. I think I'm doing a show at the London Wonderground as well. Early September I think maybe the fourth. So yeah, so check those out.

And I have a weekly show called The Gaggle which is the Glossy magazine to this audio newspaper for a visual world. You can follow me on Twitter and Instagram at elitit.eu.eu or patreon.com slash Alice Fraser, where I have all of my stand-up specials, podcasts, and blogs as well as my weekly tea with Alice Salons, where we all just hang out and have a nice chat. AnuVab Powell has a run at Soho Theatre in the first week or so of September, so do check that out as well. Well, be a good ones until next week. Goodbye. Hear now, awesome lies. Music

Keith Cowan's believes that for one day a year everyone should have to dress up in a chicken costume in order that we better understand what chickens have to put up within life. I think we'd respect the chicken more if we stood in their shoes for a while, says Keith. Since they don't wear shoes, a chicken costume will have to do, and not just chickens, either he continues all species. I just happen to have a lot of chicken outfits. Don't ask. Long story. Elizabeth Ryan is worried about the environmental impact of floodlights at sporting events, and

wishes players would each wear individual floodlight helmets instead of relying on massive pylons blasting out light for everyone all at once. I think it would make the sport more interesting too, and players who knew they weren't really contributing much could turn off their lights. We see enough sport when the players can see exactly what they're doing, so let's see someone they can't. It might be interesting. Besides, it should help people keep a steady head position too. Yet another correspondent who claims to be named Muammar Gaddafi enjoys cooking not so much for the food or the craft, but because he enjoys the percussive opportunities offered

by something that involves a. wooden spoons and b. metal saucepins. I like to finish dishes with a dramatic drum roll explains Muammar, and I only ever actually use the lids of Source Pins as symbols. Cost me a few jobs in restaurant kitchens back in the day, but I'm sticking with it. Louise and Geoffrey enjoyed the recent Olympic games, but feels that there should be scope for an event in which participants win surf through the streets of the host city on skateboards using umbrellas to catch the wind, dressed as merry poppins. Let's face it, says Louis de, it wouldn't be nearly the silliest event at the games,

and it's what Julie Andrews would have wanted. I assume. Mind you, you'd have to be very careful exactly what was going into that spoonful of sugar. You know athletes. And finally, Al Barker is rightly suspicious of trees. I wonder what their long-term game is, says Al. They've seen a lot, but they give away so little. I don't trust things that are so tall, so unapologetically stationary, and yet so quiet. Evolutionarily, I reckon they think we're out of Johnny come lately chumps, and are playing the long game. Whatever, I'm not happy about having one that steers at me whenever I pass it near where I live. Here end if this week's lies. ever I pass it near where I live.

Here and if this week's lies.