The Bugle - WTF? We'll tell you the f**k

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

Josie Long makes her debut on The Bugle, joining Nato Green and Andy Zaltzman to wade through the latest bullshit.This week, Rupert Murdoch testifying that Fox News endorsed electoral fraud falsehoods, Matt Hancock's lockdown-era Whatsapps, and of course the animal-friendly anointing oil to be used in the coronation of King Charles III. Why not check out 15 years of top stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanNato Green Josie LongProduced by Ped Hunter, Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Budlers, and welcome to a shoot 4,255 of the world's one remaining source of independently verifiable hogwash. I am, not for the first time in my sincerely hope not for the last, and is Altman, reporting

to you from the United Kingdom of Land, where once-runned Bison, Wolves, Orrox, and even Lions until we join the EU, no outlawed on health and safety grams. Joining me today, firstly from a multitude of time zones away, in California, just miles from where celebrity mid-second millennium British pirate explorer, Bidden Bulls fan, Francis Drake landed during his circumnavigation of this world renowned planet last before moving on because it was too expensive to rent somewhere nice. In San Francisco, it's NATO green. Hello, NATO, how are you?

Hello, Andy, hello, butylers. I am speaking to you today from the unceded territory of the Ramatush Alonie people. Ha, ha, ha. We don't know a lot about the Ramatush Alonie people, but we want you to know if you were wondering if they had seated their territory, they did not. There was no seating of territory. Right, it's their territory.

I was not always a huge concern from the British side of such negotiations. Congratulations. Yeah, and so what we do now in 2023 is we just acknowledge that they didn't see the territory and then we go about our business as we would have otherwise. So everyone's happy. Joining us for the first time on the bugle from Glasgow, someone with whom I first performed quite literally a millennium ago back in 1999. It's a great pleasure to welcome. For her bugle debut, Josie Long, hello Josie. Hello, I'm so glad we made it through Y2K, we did it with it. The plane dropped out the sky, the clock's all broke, but here we are. And it's been a good millennium, isn't it?

Well, I mean, it's nothing bad to happen that. I can't think of a single negative thing that's happened in the past 23 years. That's admirably positive. I've not enjoyed it a huge amount, but then, you know, Millennium's often start badly. Look at Robby Williams, terrible. I am coming from a Jewish perspective, I'm sure Naito, you'll back me up on this. I think that would be us two or three Millenniums that have at least started not tremendously well. I agree. And I still have my Y2K water jugs in the basement so I mean it's amazing isn't it, Joji? That yeah we did manage to somehow negotiate that great communal trauma of Y2K and I guess it's

testament to the strength of the human spirit that we could overcome the disappointment of computers continuing to work. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of all of us. We are recording on the 6th of March 2023, on this day in 1869, Demetri Mendelayev presented the first periodic table to the Russian chemical society, which, you know, I think means that he probably should be cancelled now because of what Russia is doing and we should abandon all science as a result. But prior to Mandalayev's periodic table, there were just four elements, Earth, air, wind and fire, air subsequently went solo, leaving the other three to keep the band going. But Mandalay have sacked those four elements and replaced them with his new inventions.

63 of them initially, including modern-day classics such as Oxygen, Carbon and Tin. And the elements leaders continue to expand with new franchises, being added to try and keep things exciting for the science fans. I don't know know the latest total of Elements like keep You know adding like Marvel movies. It's just seem to be new ones all the time Some of those late entry elements always seem a bit dodgy though like at the end when the ones at the bottom are like Berkeley um

Yeah, and Einsteinium. It's like I don't believe these are real. There's no there's no Einsteinium mine out there Well, I think some of them are just made up aren't they? Joe, so you're you're a qualified scientist. I would describe myself in that way, and I don't think it's fair to challenge it I I would say if you're naming an element after yourself that is some extraordinary Hebris and you can't expect me to take it. Like already, I heard Oxygen, and I thought, yeah, of course,

I take that very seriously, you know, carbon very seriously. Then even tin, I was a bit like, you can't expect me to take tin with a gravitas of carbon, you know? Tin. And then if we're getting into people's names, this is, come on. What I'd like to see is I'd like to see his ghost come back and just cut a bunch of the elements out.

Right, so get back down because he started with 60. But to basics. One assumes he was aiming for 64 because then you're going to have a straight knockout. I think I'd be a 6 round knockout to find the best element with 64. I don't know if it's got up to 128 for the seven round knockout, but you get it down to 16. You can have four groups of four. It's a better format than quarter finals. I feel like naming the elements after yourself. It seems like a come on at a club. Like, baby, my dick is elemental. You know what I mean? It's called Zolt's Minion.

Zolt's Minion is one hell of an animated franchise. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week we review the latest apps to come out in the various app stores, including Exager Great, which translates things that are partially true into wildly overstated claims masquerading as fact, very trendy. I've tried it, along with literally trillions of other people, and I have to say, it completely changes everything about your life and how you see the world. This is very effective. Auto Biogl, which is a very exciting new app for social media users. The Auto Biogl app which is a very exciting new app for social media users.

The autobiogl app scours your social media posts and automatically publishes a 500 page autobiography of you with associated social media promotional campaign. It comes with various standard settings that you can get for any autobiographies, whether they're done through the app or through a literary format, or writing it yourself, or with assistance from a ghost rise. Are those settings range from unvarnished truth via partially polished but essentially unrevealing to outright willful delusion? So exciting new times for those warnings, right and orthobiography, even already being

able to be asked to do it properly. Buzz me, that's a new app that tells you what you would look like if you were a B, you just have to upload a selfie and a picture of a B and it merges the two to show what you'd be like if you were a B and simulates what your life would be like if you were a B, not advised if you're not technically a monarch. Mission are possible, it is a new hit game on your mobile phone in which your mission should you choose to accept it is to start a new religion with just 12 simulated buddies. And finally, TDM, the self-styled the Dullest Ever app. Another app that uses your online app at TDM and

acronym, of course, for Thrice Daily Monotony. Shares with all your followers, the least interesting things you have thought said and done at 9am, 2pm and 6pm each day adorned with a completely unaluminating aphorism, obvious fact, or hackneyed picture. Yes, it's a crowded marketplace, but it's good to get it all conveniently gathered in one place. We review all those apps in this section, which is now in the bin. Top story this week. American Media Court Case News. Exciting times at NATO. news. Exciting times NATO in the court case between Dominion voting systems and Fox News over the shall we credibly say misreporting of the 2020 presidential election? Can you quickly bring us up today with with what the f***ing been going on? Well Andy this is the f***ing going on. Well, Andy, this is the f***ing...

I'd love it if the news always started like that. Since you asked, the f***ing going on. Dominion is an operator of electronic voting systems who is suing Fox News for $1.6 billion over essentially Trump's big lie that the 2020 election was stolen, specifically that Fox News recklessly promoted the lie that the election was stolen,

even though they knew it was not, and they did it for profit, and in so doing, they irredeemably defamed Dominion's business model and cost them presumably $1.6 billion in potential profit. So the crux of the claim is that Fox News reported lies for profit. Capitalists lying for profit. Big if true.

In other news, nicotine is not addictive. Oil is not contributing to climate change millilite Tastes great and is less filling and bc's Thursday night lineup is must ctv condoms feel the same as no condoms So but as long as just to be clear the election the 2020 election was stolen by the American voters Specifically a majority of voters in, specifically a majority of voters in states with a majority of electoral votes, 81 million Americans were in on it. Shh, don't tell anyone. Well, that's one of the biggest conspiracies there's ever been, if that proves to be true

night to that. It took on a huge level of coordination to get 81 million people in on this conspiracy together to elect Joe Biden president and not reveal how deep it went. Well, they were signing up for it as well. That's the way it's fun. That's right. They were standing in line brazenly as part of this conspiracy. Now the legal test in the defamation case is whether there was

malice. It's Fox News. Have you seen Fox? It's a 24-7 malice network. Malice is the brand. If someone comes on Fox, not spouting malice, literally everyone else yells at them on national television. So it's not even Malice specifically against Dominion, but against anyone who is not an angry white person. So if you're an angry Zapotech Indian from Mojhaka, you don't go on Fox, take that shit elsewhere. If you're a white person who isn't angry, but just slightly exasperated, Fox is not for you.

Former Republican House Speaker and current member of the Fox Board of Directors Paul Ryan told them to stop lying. Now, if you don't remember, this is a guy who was a vice presidential candidate in 2012 and staged a photo op of him in a restaurant kitchen cleaning pots that were already clean. And he told them to stop lying. So, the lawsuit revealed that Fox News hosts and executives all knew that they were lying. Fox, the president of Fox texted someone that the North Koreans do a more nuanced show than Lou Dobbs. Good for him for being in North Korea news buff, but you're the president of the company.

Like, if you want nuance that's that's on you Tucker Carlson called Trump demonic and a destroyer The host texts revealed that they knew that Trump lawyers really Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell were liars and the election was wasn't stolen They called them batshit crazy Then Tucker Carlson tried to get a reporter fired for fact checking the news. A reporter, surely the greatest crime a Fox journalist can commit. Yeah. Is it not? A reporter fact checking the news on the news. Tucker Carlson said, I just go in the air and said whatever I read that morning at pottery

bar nazis dot blog spot dot com. You want me to actually do my job. You're making me look bad. Fact checking is harder work than mounting off. And then this is where it gets weird because Fox News hosts are worried about their viewers not hearing what they want to hear and going to even more right wing news outlets. Then Carlson times in in and text someone this. Our viewers are good people and they believe it.

Now, this is like a dilemma. This is like a logical oral boros. It's like a tamudic riddle. Our viewers are good people and they believe the lies. We know our lies that we aired, but if we don't tell them lies, they will not trust us to tell them the lies they want to hear and go watch another channel that lies better. We, the hosts of Fox, know we're lying when we're lying, but we do it

anyway because that's how we make money. Is that better than lying and believing it? Is Tucker Carlson a good person for knowing that he's lying or a bad person for going along with it anyway? It feels like a quadruple negative. My final question is, how much weed would I have to smoke for this to make any sense at all? Well, that's, I mean, quite a lot, I would think. I mean, Josie, there was times when we used to look at American media and think, oh, yeah,

we would never stoop that low. I think those times have largely gone, but it's quite reassuring every now and again to have a story like this to think, we're still at least one step higher up the ladder into the pit of shit that is more than news media. What I can say is this new series of succession is amazing. I like, when you think they can't tell it, you're like, this is incredible. I think the thing for me that's been really interesting

because yes, I do think I'm glad that our baby Fox News channels are still at the embryonic stage and so we're still in a place where we see what they're trying to do but they haven't yet kind of Latched in what I've funny really astonishing is seeing We put murder come out and just be like yeah We did it and I don't know how to feel about that because I'm one hand It's like we got him we just had to wait 71 years!

And we got him! Someone tricked him up! It was just that! And then on the other hand, I'm like, is he like, he was visited by three gocsies about to die? Like, why is it, why? Why is he now? So blithily like, well, everything you say about me,

it's true, Mike John. Like, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, me, it's true, Mike. Like what? I don't understand this as a twist. I'm worried I'm seeing it as entertainment and not seeing it kind of rationally. Well, there is one possible explanation because when the bugle started, it was part of the Times online website, which was part technically the Murdoch Empire.

And it should be said, Rupert, Ruper we called him on the bugle. It took surprisingly, someone say alarmingly little interest in the bugle while it was technically part of his stable from 2007 until it was producing. It was it was producing but it was really just interesting that the techniques of audio production not in the content. We were technically part of that stable from 2007 until, suspiciously shortly after we did a bit on the phone hacking story in 2011, when we were, let's go to enjoy the fruits of independence. And so it is possible that those four years that the bugle was part of his empire, and we've not always told the absolute truth on the bugle. It's possible that that's

so the seeds in his mind that's not telling the truth was actually just part of what you do as a media empire. So I think we've got to take some responsibility for that, but mostly John Oliver wasn't none to make, I was pure facts. He did say I would have liked us to be stronger in denouncing it in hindsight. Talking about Trump's claims in the electoral front. Obviously there was certainly 2020 at that point. No one in global media really had much of an idea that Trump might be the kind of man who might try to perpetrate enormous myth truths and destroyed democracy from within so you can you can understand this is an element of naivety that it was it was early in the Trump

story then just four years into his presidency. Well yeah the president said he'd only just finished so who could have said what his presidential style had been? Yeah I think yeah many people can't You can't just make history on the spot. You have to allow at least a hundred years for it to pass. We really know what happened. It's a core feature of modern ethics that you can do completely horribly unethical things as long as long after the damage is done, you regret it. So that's a kind of revisionism that Murdoch is advocating.

Right. So is it possible, you know, I mean, he's in his 90s now, so probably, you know, nearer the end of his career than the start, I think we can say. So is it possible that he's just building up towards finishing his career in media with just a single provable fact? And as long as it's the last thing he does, that means that he's ended on the right side of truth. You're a comic, you know about closing strong? No, you've not seen my stand-up, Nate. I do not know about closing strong? Yeah. No, you've not seen my stand-up, Nate. I do not know about closing strong. I think it's really important that he's,

they keep saying the hosts are separate, the hosts are separate, because Fox is a horrific virus, and the hosts are separate for it. That was all I was like, I must be able to make a joke out of this, and my brain was like, we cannot do this for you. I apologize. We know the words like, we cannot do this for you. I apologize.

We know the words, but we cannot make the link. Yeah, I'm inclined to think that he really is bored, you know, he think about him sort of looking at the world and thinking, okay, I've done everything, you know? I've won these elections. I own most of the stuff, I'm 91, my wife is 38. There's nothing more for me to enjoy in the South East Board, and I'd like to see him go into kind of a whole new chapter in his life, you know. I could see him in the world of wellness. Oh yeah,

that'll be interesting, wouldn't it? Yeah. I could see him bringing out some sort of like powdered herb tincture. Right. Made of what? Human things. Right. So it's not... So still staying on brand. Well, but this is it, he's got a strong brand. So for Hinter Pivot, he has to bring some of the brand. I look forward to the Rupert Murlock-Gunif-Paltrow crossover of the rift teachers. Although it's funny that one of his things was,

it was like, this will damage my reputation and it did make me think, like, what does he think his reputation is? You know? Another explanation I have for why our relationship with truth in the news media has declined so fast, particularly in America, is in 1992, the film, A Few Good Men Res released in which Jack Nicholson famously said, you can't handle the truth.

And we still as the species largely worship and believe everything Jack Nicholson famously said, you can't handle the truth. And we still as a species largely worship and believe everything Jack Nicholson says. And ever since then, the US has been leading humanity on a seemingly endless journey away from journalistic objectivity. So it's just possible that the power of film has basically ended the concept of truth in news. The

Britain news now. And what has been an exciting couple of weeks in British politics, particularly if by excitement you mean harrowing delve into the aftermath of COVID and exactly what the **** our so called government was doing during it. There was some Matt Hancock, the former health secretary and MP for Flounder in Central. Sorry, Andy, you forgot to set it up. Exactly what the f*** will tell you. I'm the biggest fan of that and I didn't even notice. Isn't that so sad? Matt Hancock recently produced a book about his time as health secretary and ghost written by a journalist called Isabel Oakshot and in the process of writing this book with Oakshot he shared with her a hundred thousand WhatsApp messages

involving him and other senior government officials basically showing everything that went on, all the communication that went on during the height of COVID and the height of lockdown. And he shared it with a journalist who is renowned for being a massive lockdown skeptic and has previous for leaking supposedly confidential material. So, can I just, I'm so sorry to interrupt,

but let's really enjoy it's not just previous. This woman created one of the greatest days on the internet in the history of the internet which was the Piggate scandal where she intimated that David Cameron had I mean I'm so excuse my French to pick and it was any pig, Josie, a dead pig. A dead pig, any dead pig, but just the severed head of a dead pig. Just the severed head of a dead pig. I mean, it gets worse and worse and worse. Perhaps the pig we can forgive, but two steps further and it's despicable.

But I remember that. Dave, do you and I just think, okay, it's hard for me with all of this because it's like I don't, you know, two people I hate fighting each other. Great, you know, sure, hurt each other but whoever wins I'll be sad. But at the same time, we have to give respect to you as a bell oak shop for being such an agent of chaos. In many ways that was the best thing about David Cameron though, for me, he's obviously left a legacy of an unending chaos of which this story about Hancock and Johnson's government is essentially that is Cameron's legacy to the country. It's the tale of the pig.

Yeah, but that was for me was the best thing about. And I think Boris Johnson proved that that was the best thing because surely it was far better for us to have a Prime Minister who had already stuck his penis into the dead mouth of a dead pig than a Prime Minister who was constantly wondering what it would be like to stick his penis in the dead mouth of a dead pig as we had with Boris Johnson. And you know, you could see the different, that far away look, that inability to focus that undermine Johnson throughout the COVID years. Well, the thing about Boris Johnson is how he done that, he would have impregnated the pig. That's how fertile he is. So Matt Hancock, who after his political

career, or had somewhat hit the buffers, went on TV reality show called I'm a celebrity, get me out of here in which he ate a camel's Wang, lady sheep's virginia bell and a cow's with olium's feng straw for the entertainment of the masses. And was quite a handsomely paid for this which caused understandable anger amongst the relatives of the well over 100,000 people who died during the COVID epidemic in which he was such an incompetent part of the government's government response. But this, I mean, it is, it was a kind of huge story, these leaks, and they're still coming out the daily telegraph is running new parts of the leaks on a daily basis at the moment.

Hancock has disputed claims that he rejected advice from co-op from experts on testing people before they went into care homes at the start of the pandemic and said that the leaks only give, quotes, partial accounts obviously spun with an agenda. Now this is a former Conservative government minister complaining about the use of partial truth and spin echoes of when Damon Hurst fronted a never bathed your pets in formaldehyde public awareness campaign. It's a stunning level of unrecognitive hypocrisy going on here, isn't it? I think about Boris Johnson coming out and sort of because obviously he is now at the stage where they're saying, well we look, it's very clear that you misled MPs and that you were breaking the rules, which we all f***ing know, but at the same time it's nice to sort of see

it formally put down and just him sort of being like having to pursue the line of like nobody warned me that the events were getting to the rules which I said. Nobody said afterwards, they were against the rules which I made up and I enforced and I said nothing, there was nothing to show that I believed or was worried that something was against the rules. Again the rules I must make clear that I made up, I set an I enforced and I told the entire country to follow. It's just hard to cope with it and it's funny to think that like this is all somehow less dignified than I'm a celebrity get me out of here. Which is supposed to be the real nadeer, you know. Well, but also I mean that, and it's all been a kind of an unendifying endoscopy into the bowels of government during the indigestible

hotpot that was COVID. And just the mere fact that Hancock basically tried to repair the damage to his reputation by going on to this TV show and eating wild animals' private parts. You must know there's a lot of repairs to be done when you're halfway through a camel penis and you're thinking, well, this should help. This should really help. I like the idea that they had a meeting, they were like, okay, have you apologized? Yes. Have you tried to reconcile with people? Yes. Okay, have you eaten a camel's dick? That's how I last I did. That's how I last I did. Also, a rare example, maybe of a politician doing what the public wanted him to do.

And he'd certainly been told to do something fairly similar, I think, in fairly direct terms. In the text that were released, there was a text, I think, from Boris Johnson in the WhatsApp about trying to come up with good messaging. And he says, what if we told people that if you're a pensioner, your risk of dying from COVID is as big as your risk of falling downstairs? I guess after being shoved forcefully down a flight of stairs by our bullshit testing scheme.

So like the idea that they're like spitballing, shoved forcefully down the flight of stairs by our bullshit testing scheme. So like the idea that they're like spitballing the right metaphor of, okay, what if your risk, we told people that your risk of COVID was as high as your risk of getting hit by a billier ball during a, errant, you know, billier game, or your risk of falling off dying from COVID was as good as your as high as your risk of learning to play the electric guitar and going on tour with Guns n' Roses. Like, they're just brainstorming a grasp of it through us there. And also it's good because Boris Johnson doesn't know the difference between percentageism probability. So he'd be like, but that's a hundred percent risk for slash. That's a hundred percent risk for slash.

Back to some of Hancock and Oakshot. In fact, he trusted her with all this information. It was reminiscent of that old fable about the scorpion and the frog. And it's the scorpion persuades the frog to help it cross a river. Despite the frog's misgivings, about the scorpion stinging it, about the scorpion and the frog and where it's the scorpion persuades the frog to help it cross a river despite the frog's misgivings about the scorpion stinging it and the scorpion greatfuly accepts the lift and then stings the frog anyway saying it's my nature before then leaking all the WhatsApp messages the frog had sent it detailing a huge incompetence and at wrongdoing at the very heart of government. It's just eerily reminiscent of that famous old story. You have to feel sorry a bit for anyone in the conservative fight because they're effectively in the scorpion party.

You know, that's their whole world. It's just like, well, he's a bloody great bloke. Oh, he's got me fired. Well, I'm a bloody great bloke, but I've killed him. You know, it's like, there's nothing kind of morally for them to hold onto. They're just sort of a sad, stung frog. And also, I think Matt Hancock kind of makes my soul cringe.

Like, because he does seem to have an earnestness, but he can't like, you know, he's so flagrant in cheating on his wife. He's so horrific in how he's mishandles such serious things, but at the same time in all the messages, everyone is just absolutely bodying him. Like George Osborne is like, no one thinks your testing's going well, Matt. Everyone hates you, Matt. Matt, you're shit. And my handcork is just replying in capitals with loads of thumbs up emoji.

It's going great, thanks! And, ah, that's just something unbearable. It's like a Labrador that was raised by a supervillain. There's like something not quite right, you know? There's something so sad about that. The idea that a Labrador could be raised by a supervillain. That's almost the saddest thing I've heard this year. That's quite a hotly contested title.

Boris Johnson, as you mentioned, facing further, claims that he misled Parliament, which again would be an example of a politician behaving in office, exactly how he said he was going to behave based on everything he'd done in his life and career up to that point, basically giving the people what they voted for. But the question is if Boris Johnson did mislead the House of Commons, who do we blame? Do we blame Boris Johnson himself or do we blame the House of Commons for allowing itself to be misled by someone who pretty much had the words, if these are moving, I I am misleading you tattooed onto his upper and lower lips I think there's only so much again, you know, it is he is the scorpion and truth is the frog

Coronation news now and well in exactly two months time as we record I think is the 6th of May we will officially have our new king and overlord crowned as king and overlord it's the gonna be the coronation of KC3 King Tuck Tuck Tuck also known as by his social media handle of Act 3rd Time Chucky. And very exciting news about his coronation. Trying to make this fancy dress relic of God endorse medieval feudalism more relevant to today's audience. And there's a story that came out this week that the special oil that they use to monarchize

are new monarchs will for the first time be vegan-friendly. Now, this is hugely exciting news. Previously, the oil that has used have included secretions from the glands of civits. That's glands with a D, let me emphas emphasize, not without a D, but still. That's secretions from civet glands because I guess how could any British monogh expect to have the respect of their people without having been smeared in granular secretions from a nocturnal tropical mammal? Indeed, how can anyone expect to be respected without having been smeared with civet secretions? And you don't want to be unsyvetlized?

No, no, no, Josie, that that I mean NATO may react badly to that, but that joke is fully within the cultural heritage of the show. You will you will not be you will not be criticized for puns on the show. But can I say it is a bit scary for you to then say NATO will not react badly to that, even though I know that it's you NATO, it still feels quite powerful with his says that you know. They also used amber grease also known as stinky whale chunder, which might explain why Queen Victoria was have that slightly offended. I've just smelled something appalling looking all the at all the photos that we see of her. I know one of the many

reasons for my stunning career is that I bathe daily in the pancreatic fluid of a bandicoot. That's just how people respect authority, I think, is by using strange, ungrant, taken from God's creatures, particularly if you want to be King. I'm still, like, I still can't get my head around. I mean, I know it's sort of more of a daily affair for you, but I still can't get my head around King Charles. No, Prince Charles. Can you not be King, Prince Charles? Can I call him the Prince King? The Prince King? I'm still writing Queen Elizabeth on my blood diamonds. Which Queen Elizabeth?

Yeah, so, but here's my question is, what's up with your oily ass monarchs? So, no wonder Edward and Wallace wanted to piece out because they can get better lube in America At the lesbian dildo shop down the way from my house called good vibrations. I think the the the oiling of Charles can't come soon enough I've seen pictures of him and that Chauky-hawky could use a good oiling. I tell you what he looks very dry and ashy I tell you what, he looks very dry and ashy. He needs lotion.

In America, we doused our presidents in barbecue sauce. I don't know if you know that. That's why they're so shiny. Delicious. I mean, Joe, she says, obviously, a hugely important part of the ceremony. And it's so important that the oil had to be blessed. And it was blessed in a special ceremony this week. Not in, as you might think, Windsor or Westminster Abbey or even the Royal Snookle Hall on Aberystwyth Peer.

In fact, it was blessed in Jerusalem because it's got to have... I don't know the reason for doing in Jerusalem. I guess, you know, you couldn't just pick up any old oil from memory services on the M4 and assume it would make someone a proper working monarch. So they do it in Jerusalem because I think then it's more likely that the oil will have a molecule of Jesus in it or even Moses. And do you know as well they've got a modernised and so I really am glad that they are doing this like sacred mysterious ceremony and they're like describing the secretive ways that they are doing this sacred mysterious ceremony and they're describing the secretive ways that they're doing this because I really feel like one community that's not yet embraced

the monarchy is the QAnon community. And with this, they really can, it links in with their beliefs as well, you know? That, you know, They're preparing the secret quantity of special, magical oil that is technically animal-free. I mean, is that a loophole? We don't know. We can't film it, you know. And I'm glad that they're really bringing into the fold some of the wildest fringes of

society so that they too can finally enjoy the Christmas. I don't know. I mean, I sort of feel like they're not trying to make it less weird. Don't call it chrysum oil. Don't make my think of jism while this is happening. Don't do that to us. I do appreciate that they've taken the animal products out of them and I was reading the list of it so I and it's like it's olive oil, it's that centre of sesame and rose and cinnamon and orange blossom and then what you do is you just fry the chicken in that and then put it in for 40 minutes. Delightful. That's a combination chicken. Yeah, oh this is the other bit that was very weird

and very conspiracy theory. They're using olives from an olive grove that was grown on his grandmother's burial place. So she's fertilizing them. So it is corpus oil is what it is. So he is that the description of the oil, olive oil, scented with a mix of sesame, rose, jasmine, cinnamon, orange blossom, okay, understand what those things are, then essential oils, what does that mean? Like you have oil and then there's another oil that is yet even more essential to add. So you know, you know, you know, then essential oils. What does that mean? Like you have oil and then there's another oil

that is yet even more essential to add to the coronation oil, but we can not can tell you how essential in what manner. And then also, neurology and benzoin, what the f*** is that? Oh, that's a double like, they're really good actually. Okay. I see benzoin and I assume they mean like, like, Bennies, like, uh, just like, just pills.

They just ground up Benzadreen and put it in the oil. Oh, and they've rubbed it on and he's like, I'm going to be the vibeous king you ever need to have. It's king Austin Powers coming at you. I do have to express some concern about using veganistic oils rather than oils with civet gland stroke, whale chunder in because if you're only using vegan oils, will that give King Charles sufficient magic powers to battle for the alien invaders, like his Ambegris and the civics' largest smid mummy did. No, enough protein.

Where's he getting the protein? But the blessing of the oil was carried out in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, one of Jerusalem's holiest Christian sites. And statistically, that is one of the better performing churches. 4.3% of prayers set in the church of the Holy Sepulchre are partially or fully answered. That's well above the global average of 0.7%. So hopefully that will bring good fortune to the monarch. The old oil was it was Sivit oil and I wonder if the Sivit oil is a byproduct of the production of Sivit coffee. Do you own talking about?

Yes, so that where they get coffee beans that are being shut out by Sivits. Yeah, it's a very special expensive kind of coffee from Indonesia or something. Where... From Vietnam. Is that it? Where they refine the Sivit coffee beans to make the oil, then they rub the the shits, the coffee beans to make the and then the oil, then they rub the oil on Queen Elizabeth. Do you know what civets are like a band who's had two really weird disparate hits?

Do you know what I mean? It's like, who's that guy who wrote that record and it's a man in the 70s and on the one record there's you put the lime in the coconut and then there's also something like nothing compares to you but not. Oh I can't live if living is without you. It's that one record isn't it? Where it's like one of the tracks is you put the lime in the coconut and the other track is I can't live if living is without you. That's what civets are. It's like this is what we can do. We can shit out coughing, or we can make you the king.

And that's what we can do. Bugglers, if you know of one other thing that civets can do, please email jozylongatthabuggled.co.uk. I mean, to be fair to, is it, is it Nielsen? Harry Nielsen is like his name? To be fair to Harry Nielsen, I think there is another hit on that record

and it's equally as from the rushes, you know. The The That concludes this week's Bugle. Joe, it's been a delight to have you on for the first time. Where else can people see and hear you live or recorded? I'm in Australia performing at the Melbourne Community Festival for most, if not all, of April, and then I'm back in the UK and I'm on tour until I'm the end of September.

And I also have a book that I've written of short stories that's coming out at the end of May, so if anything, there'll be saturated by this point. It'll be it'll be unbearable for them. Like, like I hope. I have a couple of comedy items out that you can get wherever comedy is streamed or downloaded. All the best way to get money, my direction, is through Bandcamp to make a purchase or check me out on Instagram and Mr. Nato Green for more regular updates. entries on the Bugle Wall of Fame are premium level voluntary subscribers who have donated to keep the show free, flourishing and independent to join them to give a one-off or a current contribution

to the show. Go to the BuglePockast.com and click the donate button. Nabil Shiraniya was the first person to discover that, if you start whacking marble with a chisel, you sometimes find a lovely sculpture of a human being inside, often, and I suppose understandably, wearing pretty much no clothes at all. Will Kenworthy studied the history of communication and concluded that the dinosaurs were wiped out due to their inability and or refusal to learn to say the words look out. Brian Crowther formulated the now widely accepted theory that the big bang should just be called the bang because before it happened there had been as far as we can tell now the bangs for it to be bigger or smaller than. LF Turner, during some casual archaeology, discovered that

the Great Wall of China was supposed to be fully retractable, so it could be raised and lowered, according to the current level of wall requirement. Thomas Teebelt discovered that the reason Picasso developed his renowned Cubist style of painting was simply that he had a pair of glasses with broken lenses that he couldn't be asked to have repaired for several years. AJ Wells discovered that if you play Beethoven's piano sonatas backwards, they sound like advertising jingles for washing up liquid. Tom Bowling is, as you would imagine, the inventor of the Tom Bowler, a renowned rotating

drum device for drawing out winning tickets at, for example, a village fate, although his initial intention for it was to be a means of randomly but rapidly distributing sandwiches at conferences. And finally, Sam Wilkinson disproved Charles Darwin's theory that birds can fly not because of their wings, but because they have hidden rocket poosters in their strange little bird feet. Sam explains Chuck D was wrong birds can fly because of willpower. Welcome all of you to the Hall of Fame. You can listen to other programs from the Beagle including The Beagle, Ctharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories and The Gargle, whether you find your podcasts.

Top Stories and the Gargle, whether you find your podcasts.