The Bugle - You Will Know Us By Our Knobbly Fruit

Episode Date: June 22, 2008

The 34th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Bugal, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugalers, and welcome to issue 34 of the Bugal, the world's only and leading audio

newspaper of a visual world. Issue 34, that means that the Bugal is now older than me. This is for the week beginning the 23rd of June 2008 with me and his ozman in the Fair Fair City of London. And in the fair fair city of London and in the equally fair city of New York. It's John Oliver. Hello viewers, even fair as ultraman, even fairer. I mean, viewers, you should know that Andy has spent the last 15 minutes complaining about the echo in his headphones. It has been a colossal diva's drop. You sound like Mariahiah Carey, and you're not in a good way.

This is also Andy's third attempt at introduction. You don't need to tell people that. That's the beauty of being able to edit stuff. Yeah, I just don't want to lie to them. I think we as the perpetrators of the view pool to suddenly say that you don't want to lie to our listeners. After 33 editions of which we've done little butt lie to our listeners, I think that's a bit rich. In this week's edition, John, I will be attempting and hopefully completing my most contrived ever joke.

Right. Wow. That's a hell of a claim, Andy. That's a big claim. I'll see if you can spot it. As always, some sections of the audio newspaper goes straight in the bin. This week, a fishing ethics section, including a shark wouldn't throw you back onto the land so why should you throw his fishy little compardrase back into the water? Is it okay to fish for dolphin if you're a really good cook? Rod's net or bare hands how to choose the equipment your fish would most like to be killed by. And who should set fishing quotas to the Atlantic, the EU or Mighty Poseidon, or the fishermen, and why should the fish have

any say in the matter? If they'd bothered to evolve an ass that they could then get off in order to evolve, they wouldn't be in this mess. Was that it? Was that the contrite of joke? No, it wasn't. No, really? No, wow. I wasn't even on other contrite jokes, I'm not saying there aren't other contrived jokes. I'm just saying that wasn't it Top story this week Europe island was thrust into the political limelight for something other than being historically persecuted by Britain When it voted no on the ratification of the Lisbon Treaty and I know you're thinking Bueglis the ratification of the Lisbon Treaty and I know what you're thinking, Mughalers, the ratification of the Lisbon Treaty, that is a comic goldmine. John, Andy, Helmerton, Sacks Out, Canaries in the Cage. Get digging.

Well, I mean, you're absolutely right, of course. And what, you know, it is tempting to fall back on some of our old Lisbon Treaty ratification material, but we've managed to resist that. This is all new stuff, all killer, no filler. Although, if any of this does sound familiar, you have to understand that there is bound to be some overlap with other comedians, Lisbon, Treaty, Ratham, and Curriculum material. That's just natural when you're in generic territory. That's right, Europe, the continent that has brought the world celebrities such as Julius

Caesar, Nostradamus and Virginia Wade is in turmoil. Ireland's the country that has brought the world such phenomena as the Irish, Guinness, and disgraced swimmer Michel De Bruyne voted no to the Lisbon Treaty. Now, no one in you really knows what the Lisbon Treaty is or how it would work, but people don't like it anyway, and in that respect it mirrors my own attitude towards molecular biology. I think John Part of the opposition stems from the word treaty itself, which is a very misleading word. John, it sounds like it's going to be full of treats, whereas in fact they're mostly

full of clauses which aren't as much fun. When you want to go trick or closing on Halloween, would you? You wouldn't do that. But you'd be left at the end of the evening with an incomprehensible jumble of mutually aggravating vested interests, which isn't what you want if your dressers are pumpkin. Let's help you, though. The problem with any treaty in the EU has to be ratified by all 27 EU nations, which for a continent that gets on as well as Europe does, is a bit of a stretch.

You're talking about 27 nations, who spend at least 10% of the last century, not only thinking about how to kill each other, giving it a pretty good try as well. Some of us will vote against what we ourselves want solely to annoy another nation. Now that we can't be at war with each other, we just have to irritate one another instead. It's like retired boxers who live next door to each other, sitting in rocking chairs all day and calling each other dicks. In fact, the only reason that we're not at war right now is that we couldn't agree over whether to have one or not. And some people say that why should a few thousand voters in Ireland spoil the fun of thousands and thousands and thousands of bureaucrats across the whole of Europe? It seems a little bit

undemocratic to me, John, and bear in mind the island to the country that has never actually been invaded by Germany and therefore barely counts as being part of Europe. The Lisbon Treaty can't be ratified until it's been approved by all the 27 members, as John said. So it does now appear to be as dead in the water as a ferret, which escaped two weeks ago from a submarine. Was that it?

No, no, that wasn't it. I feel now that my claim of doing my most contrived ever joking, now distracting you from the podcast. It's a fun game. But it's very hard to not think of the Lisbon Treaty, John, because I don't know anything about it and says too much sport until he realistically for me ever to be able to read it. That's the basic British attitudes towards it. We like to ignore Europe in general. We're not part of it. That's why Andy. We're not part of that landmass. We're on our own. Well I think Plague Tectonics will disagree with you on that one John. No, we're definitely not part of it Andy. There's water there. I'll listen to Destiny's Child Child take on the European issue,

which is we're independent. Oh, and everyone should throw their hands up at us. I think they do throw their hands up at us, John, but unfortunately, they throw their hands up with their two fingers extended. The things in our museums, we stole them. But, Britain, we've been skeptical about the influence of Europe in Britain, John, pretty much ever since the Romans pitched up and said, Hey, guys, you look freezing, your

faces have turned blue. What say we look after this place and teach you all about underfloor central heating? And the prevailing British attitude remains, what if we ever got from the European Union? All I've ever done is confiscate our measurements, make us pay for some French farmer to lean on his pitchforks, moking jutans, and insist that the ingredients of the great British sausage are no longer covered by the official secrets act. Well, I'll tell you the ingredients of that sausage. Yes.

Britain. Britain and hoves. To disgrace. In other Europe news, the European Parliament has passed some new rules dealing with illegal immigration under which illegal immigrants can be detained for up to 18 months and face a five year reentry ban. Quite harsh measures these against illegal immigrants coming into Europe. And I think John there is more than a splosh of irony source in this legislative sausage sandwich given that the European Union is an organisation, one of whose primary

functions and purposes is to allow the free flow of people between countries. And it's now stamping down on the free flow of people between countries. The solution, of course, is for the EU to keep expanding until every country in the world is a member. At the current rate, that will be around the year 2085, and that will bring an end to all immigration. Now, can you guess, John, I'll give you one guess, who has been mowding off about Europe's latest set of rules? OK, OK. Just one guess you're giving me. One guess. Is it the tabloid press? No, no, I'm looking for a single global political figure

who likes to mouth off about stuff. Okay, I mean, I feel I'm stuck now between Chavez and Holmendenja. Right, you're very much on the right table, tennis table. Oh, okay, okay. Which side are you gonna serve from? Holmendenja. No, it was Chavez.

It was Chavez. Oh, no. Yeah, guess what he's are you gonna serve from? I'm a ditty, dad. No, it was chavez. It was chavez. Yeah, guess what he's threatening to do, John? Can you guess? He is threatening to hold back oil. Exactly what he's trying to do. Exactly what he's doing. Classic threats. Classic threats. I had some textbook piece of chavez. Some people are saying, come on, big man, we'll add some new material. But, you know, why change a winning formula? It's a classic it's like Woody Allen's

moose routine. Also the European Commission has said that it wants to loosen the rules that prevents nobly fruit and vegetables being put for sale alongside fruit and vegetables that aren't nobly and are regularly shaped. Now that is a story Andy we love those stories anything where the EU tells us how long our Mars bars can't be and for some reason much more irritated and interested about stories like that than covert draconian dehumanizing immigrant rules. A statement from the office of the Agriculture Commissioner Marianne Fisher-Bull said in an era of high prices and growing demand this makes more sense than just throwing them away. Now, arguably you could say that that would make more

sense in an era of low prices and negligible demand, not throwing away perfectly good food. But I think not good enough commission of bull, I'm a citizen of Europe. I did not fight two world wars so that I would have to eat slightly misshapen vegetables. Admittedly, John some of the world's Hungry Nations might say to Europe, what the f***? What is your f***? Problem. You're throwing away your misshapen vegetables and as a result, I'm about to throw away my misshapen child. Among the vegetables no longer having to meet the strict EU standards of shapeness are carrots, courgettes and oburgines. Oh yeah. Now it does look increasingly like this entire batch of vegetable shape-related legislation was essentially designed to avoid nuns getting offended by a rude shape food in the supermarket.

The regulations for fruit and vegetables are worth extremely detailed, and they specify their desired appearance, weight, size and other features. For example, regulation number 1292-81. Oh, what a beauty. Oh yeah, I mean that laid down the quality standards for leaks, objgs and cool jets. And it states that the class 1 leaks, the white part of the leak must represent at least one third of the total length or half the sheathed part. And for objgs, the difference between the smallest

and largest overgains in the same package must not exceed 20 millimeters for elongated overgains and 25 millimeters for global overgains. There is every possibility under the current EU law, overgains have the same, if not more, rights than people. LAUGHTER So essentially, that is what Europe can actually agree upon. Not being prejudiced against nobly fruit. What an alliance, Andy! The next superpower!

You will know us by our nobly fruit. Other food news now and biscuits are absolutely critical to the health of the world economy. According to a new report, the success of business dealings could depend on the range and quality of biscuits, or as my young baby daughter calls them, if they're a little out of her reach. Bic, bic, bic, bic, waaaaaaaaaah! Fight! Why must you mock me so? Those were her first words. Fight! Why must you mock me so. Those were her first words. But why must you mock me so? Yeah. That really will be an incredible first sequence of words for a child to have. But could this biscuit power be true of all negotiations Andy? And if so, is it not tragic

we've only found out now, might America have signed Kyoto if there have been wagon wheels on the table? Could Chamberlain have properly appeased Hitler with a hobnob? Was a custard cream all that stood between Arson Armageddon with the Cuban Missile Crisis? We know Cru Shuf love them. Did JFK have the foresight to send him a pack we just don't know Andy? Also at the Battle of Hastings, John King Harold was killed by an arrow that had a rich tea biscuit on that was a generous gift from William the Conqueror that went horribly real We must fall for after that William I've got some terrible news. Did he get the biscuit? He got the biscuit. Well that's great news

Well, no sorry, I should have said he got the biscuit, but there's bad news. He's dead. Oh no It's amazing the influence of biscuits on business and I actually did some research into this John. I walked through the city of London, dropping biscuit crumbs on the pavement and by the time I got home it was a crowd of about 150 chief executives literally throwing soup cases full of cash at me. It's quite incredible. Given that as John Maynard Kane sang in the musical he wrote about his own life, that's money makes the world go around. And as we've already seen how the economic stability of the world and hence the livelihoods and existence of millions, perhaps billions of people, is dependent on market traders taking

just the right amount of cocaine before risking billions of dollars because the guy standing next to them has just done up his shoelace. Well, on top of this, to now find out that the financial health of the world is also dependent on biscuits at business meetings. Well John, it just makes you think, grow up, all of you for f*** sake grow up. They're just biscuits. Well you say that, Andy, well you love biscuits. I do love biscuits, but I hate business meetings. So I think it's all right. But I guess I'll, Andy, if you had to go to a business meeting

to get a biscuit, then it's like a dog, isn't it? I'm sure they don't want a beg, but they'll beg if they get a biscuit. John, I am not going to mortgage the security of my and other countries for the sake of a biscuit. I'm not sure that's true, I'm just not my thing. I'm not sure if that's true. Yeah, you say that, but again, like like a dog you say that stuff on me now Or as if if you even hear the rattle of a pack of biscuits in my hands your ears will prick up And your coms can bring over, aren't you?

Biscuits and business have long been happy bedfellows. It's a common interview question at Jobs for wanky companies a common interview question is if you were a biscuit What would you be to which the interview question is if you were a biscuit, what would you be? To which the correct answer is, if you weren't a f***ing what job would you have? But the answer that they're actually looking for, what a very swift way to not get that job. But the answer that they're actually looking for is, well I'd probably be a variety selection pack because I'm so good at everything, or I'd be a Gary Baldi because I like to have a raison detre. Or maybe I'd be a chock but chip cookie because I'm dangerous if eating in excessive quantities. Or maybe even,

I'd be an outcake because you can cover me with the strongest cheddar you can find, but I'd still do my job. Or maybe I'd be a giant digestive because of my massive packet. Democracy news now and great day for democracy in Romania, the village of Vinesty has re-elected Mayor Neculye Ivasku, despite the fact that he is dead. Ivasku overcame the minor inconvenience of dying from liver disease to beat his rival Georgie Dobrescu, one villager in a shorthof conservatism that may never be equaled commented, I know he died, but I don't want change. What?

Too bad! You've got change! He's dead! He used to be alive, but now he's dead! That is change! This isn't weekend at Bernays! You can't just pretend these are not the same things. You can't just pretend these are the same things!

You can't just pretend these are the same things! You can't just pretend these are the same things! You can't just pretend these are the same things! You can't just pretend these are the same things! You can't he's dead! That is changed! This isn't weekend at Bernays! You can't just pretend he's alive by dressing him up and taking him to the beach in a series of more cushion hilarious sequences. Also, I do hope one thing that DeBresco's political career is now over. Well it's not done because the electoral commission will remain enrolled that DeBzko is the winner. We're talking a bit harsh really, insult to fight injury for Ivasku's family.

Ivasku himself has not commented on the decision being as he is dead, but his spokesman has said that they will appeal and are keeping Mr. Ivasku in the freezer so they can wheel him out to fulfill his responsibilities as mayor, although any supermarket openings he was supposed to be doing this summer have been canceled in case the weather's nice. But I think it shows John, how disillusioned the world has become with electoral politics, that we as a species have started electing dead guys.

Surely that is a message to our living politicians, that the electives of the world are just not happy. And I think it shows what we're now looking for in the 21st century in our politicians. We want someone who will listen without interrupting and without trying to bend the conversation or debate their own way. And someone who won't make gratuitous sound bite comments who get a favourable newspaper headline. And if to fulfill those, that means that person has to be dead, well, so be it. Music news now and fans of Grammy award-winning music legend John Cougar Melon camp, were left fuming when they turned up to what they thought was going to be a concert of Rootsie rock

classics, only to be whisked off in a bus for two weeks camping with celebrity host former Welsh international rugby legend Barry John, in which they hunted mountain lions and ate nothing but fleshy, if fairly tasteless and often disappointing fruit. 63-year-old rock fan trevice lemoned angrily commented afterwards, if I'd known it was gonna be that kind of John Cougar melon camp I'd never have paid £950 for my ticket. Oh my god, is this it? That is it Tom. That is it. And that's listeners, is the kind of joke you write and the conditions of extreme sleep deprivation?

You taught me through about how you're feeling about yourself or the moment. Well, to make sure it prides and exhaustion. And finally, Guns and Roses guitarist Slash has mercifully cancelled his forthcoming solo tour. BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE- which when he was drunk he would dip in a vat of paint and head butt cartoon testicles into the size of churches. Anyway the story goes that Julie's the second asked Mickey Paintbrush can you whack a lick of paint on the ceiling in my chapel? It could do with a bit of sprucing up. Sure Papa J replied Michael Angelo. What do you want? How about a bit of a fresco? Sure why not reply the pontiff? Great, yep the young artist. I was thinking of doing something with some

dogs playing snooker. Right, Mickey P, said the Pope awkwardly. It's just, I was just kind of hoping something a little bit more kind of neutral. Maybe just, you know, just a plain, off-white, magnolia color. You know, make something that isn't gonna go out of date. Righto, Skipper, applied Michelangelo,

a little downcast. Hey, do you mind if I do a couple of little bits from the Bible in the corner? Now, all right, conceded the Pope, but just nothing too flashelo a little downcast. Hey, do you want to do a couple of little bits from the Bible in the corner? Now, all right, conceded the Pope, but just nothing too flashed, little Mickey. Yay! Yelp, the 33-year-old five-time winner of the Golden Chisel Award for terrific sculpture. I'll go and get my special scaffold. Four years later, an angry Pope banged on the door of the Sistine Chapel with his big staff. Have you finished yet, paintbrushy shouted?

Yep, all done big man. The pontiff stormed in Hatter Kimbo. What the f*** you done to my ceiling you flash? Sorry pop said the artist. I just got a bit carried away. Oh Balls winced the Vatican Vicar bloody old Mickey. What is your obsession with naked cocks? Shit, I've got a christening to do in 20 minutes. This is going to have to do. Okay boss, sorry boss, mumble the four in one painter sculptor architect and chicken impersonator. You haven't heard the last of this punerotti blasted the Catholic Kahuna. Give me that paintbrush, that's confiscated. Pope Julius turned to go to his dressing room, just then something on the

ceiling caught his eye. Hang on, that on that looks like no it can't be Is that my Wang? Mickey Paintbrush, have you painted my papal prong on that new demand? Come here come here little. Oh, no, he's got away I knew I should have got Da Vinci to do this knew it so to commemorate half a millennium Since this historic moment in the history of history, we present to you the bugle Italian section. Andy, that has to become a regular feature.

Historical story time. Missing form your children with Andy's old name. At first, Italian news, and I read a story, Andy was, they came on the headline, Amnesty on Italian racism, which I'm momentarily thought meant that we could all hand in any racism about Italians that we had. And it seemed like a great idea. I've got a lot of very unpleasant names based around types of pasta, which I really like

to get rid of. Sadly, it looks like I'm going to have to hang on to them and repress them for a bit longer. Oh dear, Paul it'll Charlie can chingly. It was in fact a report from Amnesty International about a troubling climbers of discrimination in Italy including racist language and very reactionary immigration policy. In fact in Rome a Johnny Alamano of the Alenta Natanali was elected mayor on a pledge to expel 20,000 people. Wow. And the people in London thought they'd elected an asshole.

I guess, I guess that has been put into a bit of perspective now. Well, I love Italy, John. It's, you know, it's a country that very much knows how to take lunch. You know, you don't honk it down like a starving lion eating a bag of zebra favorite crisps. You, you take your time. and I love it so much and I'm prepared to overlook the occasional deep and incurable undercurrent of racism and social disaffection. I'm just prepared to let those slide. Well, you are willing to pay for a meal in every sense. In other Italian news, Naples as a city officially stinks.

There are 50,000 tons of uncollected rubbish in the Campania region, 5,000 tons of it on the city streets. Wherever you go outside the city, there are enormous piles of rubbish rotting in the sun, and that, Andy, does not raise like an intoxicant tourism commercial. If you're planning a trip to Naples, do go in the summer where the heat is at its highest, and the street rubbish seems to morph into a lake of waste. Well, they've called the army in. Now, John, the government has called the army into deal with

some of the rubbish crisis, and you know, without wanting to make any old and hackneyed Italian army jokes, this has to be their big chance. Just get a win under the belt. Silence of critics. Beat those bags of rubbish. You can do it. It's all about confidence. Interesting with the waste problem in Naples, though, John, which does go back a long way back to 1994. It's been in a state of waste disposal emergency, apparently, although I guess we can't really have expected much better from that region of Italy. It's taken them nearly 2,000 years to clean up Pompeii after the Vesuvius blew its top, and that place is still an absolute mess. But interestingly, there's a Mafia involvement in rubbish collection, which suggests it's

a thing called a positive move that the Mafia are weaning themselves off large-scale organized crime and onto bins. In other Italian news, the leaning tower of Pisa has stopped moving for the first time in its 800-year history. A $40 million project has been completed which should stabilize their tower for at least 200 years and by that point humanity will probably have cannibalized itself anyway so Leaning Tower has really be a key problem anymore. This success was sealed by the news that the Leaning Tower tower of pizza had now lost its title as world's wonkiest building to a small church in Germany. First of Andy, I did not realise that was a title. And secondly, did they factor in the house

that I built when I was three with cardboard boxes and sticky tape which I proceeded to live in for an entire afternoon because all of the family photographs seem to suggest that that was very wonky indeed. It's 48 centimeters less wonky than it was. That leaning tower, which is great. An interesting fact about it, John, in 1934, Benito Mussolini ordered that the tower should be returned to a vertical position. So upon his instructions, concrete was poured into the building's foundation.

However, the result was that the tower actually sank further into the soil. Now, I think this can only be seen really as a metaphor for the history of Mussolini's Italy. And believe so, thus became the first political leader in history to be heckled and satirized by a piece of 12th century architecture. Interestingly with the leaning tower of Pisa, if you play white snakes here I go again at the right volume. The tower does actually do a bit of a boogie. It wiggles its third and fourth tiers. It's barely perceptible. It's only about one centimeter wiggle, but it just can't help. It's like one of those dancing cans of co-cues to get in the 1980s. I tell you why, I'd defy any object to not rock out to that.

Yeah. Going down the only road after my meal! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I'm 12 years old and to avoid reading my full name and therefore suffering the possibility of child abductors knocking on my window in the middle of the night whispering I'm your mother's friend she told me to tell you to climb into my truck I will call myself Gabusky, yes I'm Jewish. Oh wow, what a 12-year-old! That is an outstanding start to an email for a 500-year-old! Well, well John, the key words are the end. Yes, I'm Jewish. There's a reason we were chosen, John. There's a reason.

He continues, I am, was a passionate supporter of the Hillary Clinton campaign and still subscribed to her newsletter. Now that the primaries are over, I don't feel guilty in sharing this information with you. During the super Tuesday period of the primaries, I was asked at least three times a day to contribute to her campaign. Today, more than a week after she officially conceded, I'm still harassed by her, asking for contributions every day. Hillary Clinton, leave the Jewish children alone! It's got to stop! Have you learned nothing from the history of the 20th century? You make me sick, Clinton! You're a hero, little Gabe, a hero. That's all the time we've got for emails this week. Do keep your

emails and hotties from history flooding into the bugle at times online.co.uk. And next week we will include more of them as long as I don't get carried away writing another story about Mickey Paintbrush. Sport news now and Tiger Woods has won the US Open on one leg and I tell you what Andy, I mean, I really feel that Tiger Woods is acceptance speech. So, we've just been looking down the camera and saying hello there, my name's Tiger Woods and I am better than you at golf. And by you, I mean all of you, everybody, I'm better than all than you at golf. And by you, I mean all of you, everybody, I'm better than all of you at golf.

It must be an interesting feeling to be better than seven billion people at something. Do you think you're better than seven billion people at anything, Andy? I do make a incredible carbonara. However clay, and I'm sure most Italians would have a problem with that. Well, I might have a problem.

But, you know, if they have got a problem, come to my house and out carbonara me. In fact, people would do email us in if you think you're better than 7 billion people at something. We'll take your claims and we'll judge them accordingly. For those of you who missed it, Tiger Woods, the prominent golf club owner and user, won the US Open in a playoff against Rocco Mediate, recently voted the 45-year-old sportsman who sounds most like a cloud formation. He beat Cumiello Nimbus, the Venezuelan golfer, who was disqualified because he sounds exactly like a cloud formation. Anyway, Woods won in his first tournament since undergoing major knee surgery, hobbling

around the 91 holes eventually took, and prompting accusations from the South African-Rotive Goosan, or as he's known in his native country, Radeef Halsen! That tiger was faking his injury. Words responded to this accusation by revealing that not only was his crucia knee ligament as Cabanos does a Polish sausage, but that he also has a double stress fracture in his leg. Goosan responded in turn by going a bit red, mumbling something about it being only a joke and running away crying to his caddy. Because Woods had kept the full extent of his physical problem secret. Only now do we know the full true story behind this remarkable win. Woods, who had arthroscopic surgery on

his left knee in April, was in obvious pain from the first T of round one. Towards the end of his first round to make matters worse, his right foot came clean off while he was learning up a tricky eight foot of a bar. During a second round, Woods had to have a kidney transplant after slicing a drive at the twelfth, and then paid the entire third round seconds after undergoing a triple hip replacement. He shot an eagle in the birdie on the last two holes, despite being gourd by a vengeful, earning-else supporting rhinoceros. As Tiger struggled to hang on to his lead in the final round, he went down with pancreas tight as caused by an un-raped bunker. And then his playing partner Lee Westwood hooked a three wood which tore through Wood's abdomen and gave him an unscheduled and mentally executed appendectomy. Wood's, however, sold it on and managed a crucial bird at the

18th. Despite an eagle sent by Zeus, ripping his liver out after the semi-retired and now absent-minded Greek god. Over her the 14th time made you win a muttering that he was on fire. Zeus thought that Wood should stolen fire from the gods again and was going to give it to Phil Mikkelsen, an overreaction yes, but rules are rules. At the start of the fifth day playoff, a steward accidentally sliced Woods's head off with a quiet please sign, but such as Woods' competitive spirit and psychological holdover his opponents, that even after being severely electrocuted when he accidentally plugged his six-ion into the mains when pulling off a miraculous recovery shot from the heavy rough at the 14th. He still managed to win at the first extra hole, despite spontaneously combusting when a spectator took a photograph on his backswing.

What a player. And now he reached the hallowed section of the bugle which was once occupied by the much mourned audio cryptic crossword. In whose place this week we have a multiple choice quiz against yourself, the right side of your brain versus the left side. Answer this question first intuitively and with feeling, and then answer it again rationally and objectively. If your logical left side of the brain wins, give yourself a jacket, if your random right side wins, give yourself a poncho.

And the question is this, which of the following books actually exists? A Crunch Crunch Clang and Inside History of Intrafimilial Royal Cannibalism by Henry Duke of Gloucester, published in 1929, be through England on my knees a brass rubbing odyssey by B. Lewis from 1977. See, say that again and I'll f***ing nut you a history of pub brawling by Professor J. A. Schillmington, 1991, or D in praise of corporation tax, a collection of poems by the staff of Pricewater House Coopers from 2004. So answer that question logically now and answer it intuitively now! And the correct answer in both cases was B through England on my knees is a genuine book

as given to me by my sister for Christmas. So that brings this slightly sprawling edition of the Bugle to a tiffle close. It's been a pleasure talking to you. Do keep your emails coming into the Bugle at timesonline.co.uk and we will be back with more outright bullshit next week. Bye! Cheerio!