The Bugle - You're Putin Me Off (4220)

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

Andy is with Nish Kumar and Lloyd Langford to talk all things spicy, tactical and toxic. Ukraine, WW3 and herbicidal health complete the menu in this week's episode.Does anyone read this?Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanNish KumarLloyd LangfordProduced by Ross Ramsey-Golding and the almighty Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugglers! And welcome to issue 4,220 of the Bugal Audio newspaper for a visual world with me and his ultraman sitting in for myself this week, as I have done in over a quarter of all

Bugal episodes, it's 15th of February 2022 and I'm joining this week to provide the definitive truth on everything in the universe by from London, Nish Kumar and from Melbourne, Australia, Lloyd Langford. Welcome back, both of you. Lloyd, on the show for the second time, the first one he did was the live show in Melbourne in December, Nish, I've lost count of your tally. It's getting hot at the putt- whoever does the bugle Wikipedia page, whichever, let's not be around the bush, complete f***ing nerd, keeps the bugle- the bugle Wikipedia page updated.

No offense, but let's be honest. Let's not- let's just- let's- let's- let's not pretend there's anyone updating Wikipedia pages about podcasts regularly who moonlights us a jock. That's just, I say that as one nerd to another, this is very much geek on geek violence. But someone has definitely been keeping it tally, and that is a use of a person's time, and I will not say whether I think that is good or bad Right, well no criticism for me. I am a professional cricket statistician. I have exactly exactly 0.00

What's that? What's that resting? Oh, it's my case Lloyd house How Australia been since I the jump ship three through four weeks ago now is it holding itself I jumped ship? It's been three or four weeks going on. Is it holding itself together without me? It's a far poorer place in your absence. Right. Yeah. My daughter is coming along well though.

And we had a maternal health meeting today. And the woman confirmed that her eyes do indeed follow you around the room. So she's at least entertaining as a decent painting. That's all you could want from a baby, isn't it? That's why most people have babies because they're cheaper to produce than painting. I absolutely love every single detail about what you just said.

I love your metric for what constitutes a successful child. And I love your metric for what constitutes a successful painting. I think we can all agree a painting is decent if it's ice-following you around the room. That's why I will not tolerate Picasso. We are recording on the 15th of February. On the 16th of February, 99 years ago, 1923, Howard Carter, unsealed the burial chamber of Tutankhamoon, and it's been pretty much downhill for humanity ever since Carter disturbed King Tut's 3,300 year plus slumber and unleash the curse of Deferos. Now 99 years on we have Boris Johnson's

Prime Minister, you crane teaching on the Presbyter's of War and everyone in the world arguing about everything in the world with everyone else in the world. So next time you find someone having a very long snooze and a blinged out box-cater, let the weirdly bearded bastard meet. That also constitutes our section in the bin, a special King Tut's section, the five foot six inch pro celebrity Pharaoh, so called because it was very generally very disapproving of stuff. It was apparently going to be the official title of the head of the Catholic Church, but they were beaten to it by the Egyptians and had to settle for Pupa, as in Party Pupa, which over time became Pope, that is a linguistic fact, borrowed that from my sister. And in our free King Tut section of the bin, we have a free curse for you to dispense to anyone

you want, wish to dispense it to, singular or plural. Here is your frequent curse. I condemn insert your target here to suffer insert your consequence here for insert your time period between 10 seconds and all eternity here. Also we have a special feature on how to bury your loved ones without taking up 13 f***ing acres and requiring shit loads of quite expensive building material. That section in the bin. Top story this week. Ukraine is or isn't at war. Delete according to what's happening when you listen to this podcast. The latest is that Russia might be withdrawing some of its troops or it might be bringing

more towards Ukraine. the latest is that Russia might be withdrawing some of its troops or it might be bringing more towards Ukraine. No one seems to quite know Joe Biden and Boris Johnson have said a crucial window for diplomacy still exists and there is a glimmer of hope that war can be avoided. I mean, I'm finding this quite hard to follow because a Russia continues to claim it has absolutely no intention of invading Ukraine and obviously it might be entirely coincidental that 140,000 Russian troops all chose to take annual leave at the same time and go on a holiday to the many resorts located on the Russia-Ukrain border. At the same time, the cards available for the non-Russian countries involved in this remain

slightly limited to growling and threatening parking fines and all the Russian oligarchs in our live in central London. Issues are unnecessary war correspondence. How do you see the situation as it currently stands? I mean, I think it's pretty indicative of how bad things are at the moment. The best possible news we can offer anyone is World War Three may not happen this week. That's the absolute silver lining to all of this. As we record on Tuesday, the morning of Tuesday, the 15th, UK time, whatever fake time it is,

and that made up country Lloyd lives in. I don't know, I don't know and will not learn. But I, I, it's as we record on Tuesday morning, they have started, there is some sense that Russian troops are starting to move away from the border. I actually didn't realize this. The number of troops at Russia's border is estimated to be 60% of the country's ground forces. I mean, how big are these training exercises? It's most of the army. I mean, it does make the question, if these really are training exercises, how shit is most of the Russian army that they've had to send over half of them on a weekend to show up on up their game? But also if you're doing trading exercises on the border of a country that you have an at best spicy history with,

it sort of is the equivalent of someone saying, why would you think I was going to break your legs as they caress a baseball bat? It's the same tactic that I used to use when I was fighting my brother when we were younger. When I would hold my face, sort of let me get away from his and then when he would complain, I would say, man, I haven't touched him, I'm not doing anything. So, if over half of Russia's entire military force is now surrounding Ukraine. Bear in mind how big Russia is. Does that mean that there is a huge opportunity now for an invasion of Australia, the Camcacca Peninsula, by British forces? Even, you know, if there's that many of them in Ukraine, are I can look at an advanced force of bugle listeners

to invite the camcac to peninsula and possibly claim it for the bugle empire? I mean, I think I really feel like it would be a bold move for Britain at this point in our country's history to try and do anything constituting an invasion. Um, that is my chishol. The Russian ambassador to the EU said we will not invade Ukraine unless we are provoked to do. But that does slightly raise the question, what constitutes

provocation, particularly when the personal thing being provoked is a Vladimir Putin or be Vladimir Putin's Russia as a political force. He mentioned that there could be attacks on Russian people living in Ukraine, but knowing how Putin tends to be a little oversensitive to things, judging him by how he generally deals with people or journalists or opponents disagreeing with him. Provocation could be as little as someone in Kiev looking a bit skeptical in the bowl of Russian cabbage soup or some kind of Stalin, a wiener in history class or someone speaking, disparaging about how

smaller versions of a thing inside larger versions of a thing is frankly a bit of a weird thing to make. He's one of this who most easily provoked men in history. Like, Vladimir Putin is like a man on a night out in Croydon. Just constantly sharky the bar game. You're looking at me. You're looking at me. It genuinely is like the geopolitical version of being in the Milan bar, which is a weather spoon in the centre of Croydon, and maybe one of the mouths that leads directly to the centre of Hell.

I was talking to my partner Ann about this and she said that the Russians were going to wait until after the end of the Winter Olympics before they did anything. I can't quite fathom the logic in that. I mean, if they've got like a monobob competitor that they desperate to get home before it kicks off or... I think that's quite possible. They've probably got some more teenage skaters, they're pump full of steroids as well. Just purely speculation that, of course. And obviously, you've got a big chance in the ice hockey because the NHL players aren't playing for America and Canada, so it could be a gold for the red machine. So you can understand why he doesn't want to jeopardize that,

surely. The British government continues to threaten Russia with sanctions. But those, I'll be honest with you, those threats are as empty as my winter Olympics medal collection, because since July 2019, donors who have made money from Russia

all have alleged links to the Putin regime have given 1.93 million pounds to the conservative party or individual conservative associations. So the conservative party taking a strong line on Vladimir Putin is a bit like me taking a strong line on someone who drinks oatmeal can reads the Guardian. Neither of us is going to piss off our key demographic. I think we also need like a, we need a better word or a more frightening word than sanctions, because whenever I hear sanctions I just think of super nanny.

To super nanny you sanctions. Yeah, yeah, she makes the children give them little minor punishments and stuff. Right, so I mean I don't know what I remember Supernanny, what was she she was the mother of Hutanani, I only brought up Supernanny because I wanted to make a very laborious pun about Russia being sent to go and sit on the naughty That's more than enough reason, Lloyd. I apologize. No, don't apologize for that. Do apologize for that, Lloyd.

Your morality is corrupted. On the terms of corruption, transparency international and anti-corruption group identified at one and a half billion pounds worth of Russian money that is in London property, most of which is held by shell companies in offshore havens. And so it does, as you say in this, it's slightly undercuts the British threats of strong, as I said in a Google look a couple of weeks ago, that Russia is a nation that spent seven decades imposing the strictest possible sanctions on itself, not that long ago. So I mean really,

beyond Premier League referees wrongly awarding three kicks against Chelsea, there's not a huge amount that is on the table, is there? Yeah, no, I mean, I really, it's fairly, we've snuckered ourselves. it's fairly, we've snookered ourselves. We've absolutely snookered ourselves in terms of the sort of willingness of Britain to turn itself into a global laundromat for Dert Imannie. Putin and his foreign minister Lavrov had a very amusing filmed meeting to discuss the situation for the cameras. And they had this socially distant meeting, and I think it was the same table he met Macron on, which is a, I think it's known as an

RFLT, which stands for ridiculously fucking long table, because apparently Putin is so concerned about catching COVID. Also, possibly concerned about, you know, catch up, squirting into the, seems like a kind of man who would understand and be concerned about his enemies wanting to squirt catch up or even mustard or even lethal bullets. So, presumably, you know, a level of self awareness about his own, shall we say, controversiality as a political figure. The only thing I will say in terms of Vladimir Putin's concern about catching COVID is that he's actually having a meeting tomorrow, which is being described as hugely advice

in regards to trade talks with Brazil, with Brazilian President, Haya Bolsonaro. And Bolsonaro is going to have to take five COVID tests before his meeting with Putin, as the arrangements and that is the first time in human history I found myself in complete agreement with Vladimir Putin because at this point Bolsonaro's blood is Covid. I think he's had it so many times that he technically his heart is pumping coronavirus around his body and I think like his balls have got the Delta variant and his ankles have got the other chronic variant like the guy is just a walking disease vector.

So I mean in terms of Putin's strategy, you know, there's an easy going to, you know, dip his toes in the water. I've heard people say that in terms of a little incursion. I mean for most people dipping your toes in the water in terms of adverse effects, my result in cold toes or hot toes or very hot toes and a dinner guest saying they don't want to eat the pasta or my result in a bemused goldfish or an angry vicar with a whey must you always spoil my christening look on his face. But for Vladimir Putin, dipping his toe in the water could result in thousands and thousands of deaths. So I said, it's a different life isn't it? British Armed Forces Minister James Hepe told BBC that he feared, quote, that we are closer than we've been on this

continent to war for 70 years. Now this comment caused understandable bafflemen because in the last 70 years there have been some pretty f***ing major wars on this continent, which apparently, maybe because they didn't feature Boris Johnson, I don't know, don't count. I mean, it was kind of, or is it that now we can, is it just acknowledging that we don't know, don't count. I mean, it was kind of, or is it that, you know, now we can,

is he just acknowledging that we don't have space in our national mind for anything that isn't to do with the Blitz and World War II? I would like to issue a plea to every minister currently serving in the Conservative government. And I know they're listening, the huge beauty. Please, please, take your hand off your cock now. Take your hand off your sad soggy cock. Close down the

Wikipedia page for the Second World War. Pull up your trousers over your horrible, stinking flaccid member and read any other book about history. Please, I can beg these stop jacking it over Winston Churchill's Wikipedia page and read one book about something that happened after 1945. It's absolutely obscene. I think this here heepy guy, he was one of the very few things that was affected by the white UK bug. He was essentially reset December 31st 1999 into 2000, so that's understandable. Health news now and well good news drinking coffee three times a day means you'll live forever or at least reduces your risk of death which is pretty much in modern terms of misinterpreting things living forever. It's got to be ground coffee, not instant coffee. This research was apparently paid for by a Ken and Ethel Lavazza and a Deer Tree and a Brian Starbuck, as well as receiving funding from

the Society for Cueing Up for Hot Drinks. I'm in a way, actually, if you've got a cue for a coffee three times a day, again, that gives you less chance of, you know, starting a genocide. Yeah, definitely. Just logistically. Yeah, I live in this in pretty trendy coffee shops. And if I, if I queue for a coffee in them three times a day, I'm going very little work done. And that's, and that's, and that's, and that's, and that's a good thing. Yeah, I might also explain your bowel issues, slightly, as well. Listen, how many coffees have I had today? Brackets three.

How many shifts have I had today? Same answer. If we can just slightly direct this podcast. You know, I'm just going to be a resembling civilization. It does slightly, depending on the amount of coffee you drink. Apparently, it says three coffees a day. But if it's three 24 gallon fish tax for coffee three times a day, that is potentially deleteriously helpful, especially if you haven't taken the piranhas out there.

And a thimble full of coffee three times a day, probably not going to do a huge amount of good unless you down those thimbles of coffee whilst doing some proper exercise, like a bit of swear-o-bitch, bugle-favorite form of exercise. And it's very easy watching the new, I'm getting about 12 hours a day of support. I was just watching. All right. Lloyd, are you a coffee drinker?

I'm much like Nish. I usually have three a day. And thus far, I am impervious to death. So the research base out, I think? So, how old is your babies now? What, three or four months old? Yep, four months. Four months.

And, I mean, three coffees a day for actually accelerates babies growing up to become impervious adults by up to 73%. So, yeah, just get those disc breffos down your little kid. Yeah, and he's putting his money to where his mouth is. He's giving his kids three coffees a day since they were born. And they're both seven foot tall. I've met both of them in the children. They're absolutely humongous.

Yeah, well, they were both standing behind large special prisms at the time. I've seen Thor. I once got described in an article, but I think it was by Zadie Smith, he was writing an article on it, she was at the Edinburgh Festival, and she described me as a great tall man, which, even in this age of misinformation, I'm quite afraid. Anyway, it is particularly important. We're just letting great man go though.

We're saying that that's absolutely fine. We're saying, the saying is with God, you're a great man, it's absolutely, we're only quibbling with tall of that. I assume the great was with tall. Right, as in the size thing, which maybe half-right. It's not particularly effective during the U3 coffees, if you drink them at the same time as living in a war zone or using froth absent in place of froth milk

or being an amateur improvised piece artist, or dressing up as a zebra and standing in a line enclosure trying to sell them skinny almond lattes. So, I mean, it's all about context, self-in-case with these health reports. In further health news, lentils can add 10 years to your life, 200 grams of lentils a day.

Is that part of your, both of your diets as well? Dahl, the Dahl supremacy. If that is really true, this planet is going to, if one day be exclusively Indians. I'm excited for it. I'm excited for the Dahl Empire. I very much enjoy a Dahl as well, but I usually combine it with a Yorong and George or Peshwari Nutt and three Pynes of King Fischer and a Dupont size platter of popodons. I don't know if that would cancel out the health benefits of the lentils. It just says lentils.

200 grams of lentils a day will give you 10 years extra. So that's one bonus year of life per 20 grams says lentils. 200 grams of lentils a day will give you 10 years extra. So that's one bonus year of life per 20 grams of lentils. So if you simply eat 80 kilograms of lentils a day, you'll live to the age of 4,000. Which does raise the question, is it time to change the UK's national anthem from God save the Queen to God? Can you feed the Queen a massive bucket of dollar?

I mean, we need something to juice on National Anthem up. Lloyd, this is the Six Nations Rugby is on at the moment, and it is the time of year where, as someone from England, I get the biggest anthem jealousy when you see the Welsh rugby team with the Welsh National Anth anthem compared with God save the Queen. In terms of the gap between national anthem and that's like Jimmy Hendrix playing alongside Boris Johnson on the guitar, frankly, yeah, or Nish on the guitar. I agree with you, I'm not a fan of God's Ever Queen, because you're essentially asking someone who doesn't exist to protect someone who shouldn't. It's like asking a spider-man to look over Rolf Harris. Do the English supporters still sing Swing Loes We Chariot?

Well, yes, but there's been a lot of talk about this over the last couple of years, which is a rugby song sung by, what I say, it's a rugby song, it's an old spiritual sung by, that was adopted by England rugby fans a few decades ago and there's some dispute over exactly where it came from but there's and there's some who say oh it's just a rugby song and there's others say it has a deeply troublesome race, race, a terror, but the problem is when you've got That was some race, race, it's heritage. But the problem is when you've got 80,000 people who've been drinking since 9am, it's quite hard to make them think about the historical context of songs.

Yeah, the England fans definitely adopted that song. In much the same way that England adopted India for a... LAUGHTER A period between the 19th and 20th centuries. In other health news, one in three Americans contains toxic weed killer. According to a recent study, and this literally contains toxic weed killer, not just spiritually in terms of how they vote. They actually physically contain traces of the herbicide 2,4 hyphen D, which is short

for 2,4 dichlorophanoxyacetic acids, sometimes also shortened to 2,4,6,8 motorway. It was also in Agent Orange in the Vietnam War, which again we could include in our stupidest wars catalogue. And the poison running through the veins in America, it's we could include in our stupidest wars catalogue. And the poison running through the veins in America, it's been widely used in agriculture as well as by gardening enthusiasts, despite the concerns that it's bad for people wildlife. And the environment in general causes a range of diseases, childhood cancers, been linked to reproductive problems and birth defects. But it's allowed because of the, yeah, whatever clause of the rules

of free market economics. But a third of Americans contains, contains toxic, toxic weak. I don't know if, can you tell by looking at them? I'm not sure. This has actually been a real problem at the Winter Olympics because a lot of the athletes, they've been tested in negative drugs drugs but positive for Ron seal. I don't know. I mean, I guess it could be a performance enhancing substance. Yeah, the fur. Well, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, if your sport is least weeds in your body, then yes, I think it is definitely. Definitely, if the sport that you're engaged in is Olympic weed killing, a sport so stupid, it may as well be in the f***ing goddamn pointless winter Olympics.

You're definitely going to be at an advantage if your gob murders weed. Do you think it's something that we need more of in general? I don't mind that you know America is one of the world's most successful nations objectively depending on how you measure it and measure it wrongly. I mean it all used to be all the raised isn't it? Just generally around the world toxic top one people got a bit... maybe this is more evidence of the woke. Really good work. We can't just last toxic weed killer into the mouths of children anymore. Yeah, exactly. People like the woke left has cancelled pumping your children full of weed killer.

I think the walk, the walk the Kim O'Hans actually, we do need bees. That I've set a lot of people in the toxic weed killer industries, but they were like bees are sort of important in the world and how stuff works. So yeah. The social justice warriors. The ruining people's picnics. No wonder this is presented to the population. We can't convince to give a shit about the lives of black and brown people. They don't even care about bees. COVID news now and the renowned crooner Barry Manolo has become a weapon, a weapon of war

in the COVID culture wars. New Zealand have played the songs of the notoriously, well, correct technical technical Barry Murray Monomo against anti-vax COVID skeptic protesters Lloyd you are Southern Hemisphere music and COVID protests. I mean this is what a remit like what a remit what a huge way it's one of the great moments in in Southern hemispherical musical cultural history isn't it? The comedian Greg Dearest told me he was once doing like meeting people you know for photos and stuff after a tour show and a woman came up to him and said you are in one of my top three performers all time. And he said, who were the other two? And she said Lloyd Langford and Barry Manelot.

All time. We've all got a very similar vibe going on I think. Davies, Langford, Manelot, of course Manelot. Of course that's the way you finish that sequence. Will I hear that they deployed Manelot to try and move on the protesters? I was wondering was it the music or photographs of his surgery? He has transformed himself into what I can best describe as a vacuum packed, re-formed ham. It's kosher if it's been back in fact. I'm very much enjoyed that they were playing all of this sort of generally accepted bad music to try and move the performance harder than musician James Blunt actually volunteered his own music. Evality to his own music to turn up to play as a jork and then the New Zealand I think a

minister who is in charge of the playlist, great for he added him to the playlist. Well it was the speaker of the New Zealand Parliament who was playing DJ this effort to move along the protests, Trevor Mallard, and he certainly has not ducked his responsibility. Oh. Put together a quacking list of things to make the protestors be quiet. I mean, what music would you, when you were in a situation like that, what's your go-to track for?

Absolutely no need for any sort of music, Andy. Just set up a PA system and get me on that stage. Once the, once the, uh, have a launch of bread rolls has been thrown, those people will disperse. And I, I have seen, I have looked at quite a bit footage from the New Zealand protests, the Canadian truck of protests and some of the anti-facts protests in this country. And I would say there is a very, very thin overlap between people who have enjoyed my comedy and people who are out of those facts in anti-facts. I don't, I just, I get, I got to look at them and I thought, not kuma fans.

So I think you stick me on there. I think that, I think those guys will be, I think I think they'll be with Lloyd in Australia. If you stick me on at the Wellington, and I have done some bad gigs in Auckland. As Lloyd will attest to Lloyd, Lloyd actually did a few of them with me. I think you're doing yourself a disservice niche. I believe the trucking community are no longer using CB radios and just listening to audio versions of your standards. Finally, some more news from your hemisphere, Lloyd, you're a, what you're adopted at Hemisphere. Sad news, the co-awlers are having a bad, bad millennium, as endangered, the notoriously lazy, literal tree huggers. I mean, the fact that co-awl, I mean, the fact that they are very much the national symbol of Australia, they hang around

not doing a lot. So, it must be striking it very heart of Australian national identity. It has been an incredibly bad week for Australia because of this koalani but also the soap opera neighbours is under threat as well for the exact same reason as the koalas. There's been a chlamydia outbreak, the natural habitat of the residents of Ramsey Street has been threatened, yes, last year says it's been done again. Oh dear, I mean the fires are a bit out of terrible effects on both the koalas and neighbours as you were saying. I mean they've been around for almost the same

amount of time I think, as well. I mean, this is this, I mean, sorry, the kind of brutally capitalistic about it, but a koal is not one of the species that really we should be looking to get rid of in the search for the more of it. No, you know what, Andy, if I may quote Oliver Dowden, woke culture is weakening Western civilization, and this kind of leftist liberal nonsense that everyone should just be alive is exactly the kind of thing that's preventing us from properly dealing with Vladimir Putin's aggression in the Ukraine.

I actually think as well the, the Columbia that ravages the Koala community can be traced back to a day trip to Melbourne zoo by Shane Warn. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha for weeks and everything else that is happening in the universe, don't forget to buy your tickets to my imminent satirist for hire UK tour beginning in Lemmington Spa on the 25th of February. I then have shows in Newcastle, Edinburgh Glasgow, Barnard Castle, Salford North-Alethan Lincoln, Chorley Birmingham, Cheltenham Lester, Magonhead Aldershot, Mothingen Bristol Exeter, Cambridge and Milton Keens in a slightly scattergun, do you have that? Okay, do you all then? There are some shows at the Soho Theatre in London in May.

My ticket to all of them and send your requests for topics to be satirized to satirizedisatsatarrisforahire.com. Nish, give details of your current tours, because we're following each other in some of the shows. Yeah, yeah, I'm in Lemington Spa, as we record in two days, I'll be in Lemington Spa on Thursday, the 17th. Tickets to Sparse, tickets to genuinely Sparse. However, I am in Blackburn on Friday, and let me tell you, tickets are blooming.

There is a surplus of tickets. I don't know if someone in Blackburn has taken out sanctions against me, but let me tell you, they have taken out some sanctions. There are 10,000 halls in Blackburn, Lancashire, they're all in the audience. Yeah. It's not quite 10,000 halls in Blackburn Lancashire. Yeah. They're all in the old audience. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Lloyd anything to plug? I am touring in Australia and I'm hopefully coming back to the UK doing some made-in-refringe and some other gigs and stuff.

Well, well, well. So, look who's coming crawling back. The country that he was and I'm quoting directly from the horses mouth here, too good for. Because it was full of shit covered peasants how the idea Lloyd the after you said all that to me in private that you would now come back to this country I think it's an absolute disgrace this is the podcast you come for truth thank you for listening bugles on the subject of truth we

will now play you out with some lies about our premium level of volunteer subscribers to join the bugle volunteer subscription scheme to give one Scheme to give a one-off or a caring donation of whatever some you wish goes to the Bugle Podcast.com and click donate. Jake Freeman sometimes contemplates why the ancient Romans could be bothered to do massive mosaics like they did. I tried doing a mosaic of a jar of lemon curd once as Jake, and I was bored before I'd even finished the lid. Bearing in my life expectancy for the ancient Romans was pretty short, it's a wonder they wasted their time mosaicing the hell out of walls and floors and stuff like that, instead

of getting hammered and fighting lions like they do in most of the films. Darren McNamara wonders whether there will ever be an end to superhero films. Darren McNamara wonders whether there will ever be an end to superhero films. He has calculated that if the current proliferation of superheroes continues at its current rate, by the year 2374 there will be more fictional superheroes than real human beings in the world. Clearly speculates Darren the market ought to then collapse, but I reckon the big film studios will keep on crapping them out because it's easier than thinking about tedious stuff like plot and characters. Besides, by then most humans will be able to fly or fly spiders webs out of their cyborg in his arms anyway, so these films will function as gritty realism at the same time. Having been forced to watch the film The Devil Wears Prada

at a work event, Andrew Bosworth found himself drifting off and wondering whether the devil would in fact wear branded clothes at all. If he did, I reckon he'd probably have his own label, says Andrew. Most likely, he'd probably wear a fire-at-todden, onesie, accessorised with a specially modified helmet, with special holes for his horns. Frankly, I can't imagine the devil has got the time to give a flying one about fashion. He works in a results business, he just wants practical work clothes. Stephen Pratt does not understand the fuss about Isaac Newton's discovery of gravity. Sure says Stephen, I get that big Isaac Newton knew one end of an equation from another, and could wow the wimple off the most celebrations of nuns with his truly sensational physics,

not of course that that would have been the way Isaac rolled. By glamorizing gravity gravity however, he probably held back the development of air and space travel by 200 years. He should have kept his mouth shut, ideally by shoving the apple that fell on his head straight into his over-scientific job. And finally, Ed Ball meanwhile has a theory that trees have no real concept of nationality. Don't ask me why, says Ed, but I'd be surprised to find that trees are that fast about labelling themselves as being from one place or another. The Dutch Elm, the English Oak, the Lichtensteinian Chestnut, I just don't think they'd be that impressed with those labels to be honest, even though they do, to be fair, tend to stick to their local areas for life. I think trees probably see themselves as representatives

of the plant kingdom, and given that they've all seen so many relatives and predecessors hacked a piece and turned into furniture, ships and the like, I doubt they'll have too much emotional affiliation to any human political entity, country or otherwise. Here end it, this week's lies. Goodbye!