The Bugle - Zelensky's Tight 16 (4224)

Episode Date: March 19, 2022

Andy is with Mark Steel and Hari Kondabolu to reflect on Volodymyr Zelensky's plea to US Congress, plus time and why is America fighting it?This Bugle is pretty great...Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanHari KondaboluMark SteelProduced by Chris Skinner, who is just under six feet tall. Is this relevant? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bughlers, and welcome to issue 4,224 of the Bughal Audio newspaper for whatever this planet is right now. I've got no f**king audio anymore.

I'm Andy Zottsman sitting here in the shed of inescapable veracity and the purest fatfulness known to humankind, which is not a high bar right now, but it is not a fact either, but if anything that just highlights the uncertain, mendacious times, we've been living in since humans first evolved. Joining me to Haruspa's eyes through the entrails of another week of global shittory from New York City, it's Harry Kondabolu. Hello, Harry, welcome back. Thanks, Andy. Thanks for having me back. How's things stateside? It's weird because whatever God or Darwin or whoever has planned for the end of the world, it is quite a setup. I mean, I was already like,

okay, so I'm going to be global warming, right? Or is it going to be the pandemic? And then also the nuclear element, oh my God, it's back on the table. Like this is pretty, like this is how you set up a grand finale. And the best thing about this kind of grand finale is that no one can complain after that it wasn't what they hoped for. You know what I mean?

Like, oh, I didn't live up to the hype. Not, that's the best, because we're all gone. Well, I'm hoping that dinosaurs come back and do us in to be perfectly honest. That's always been all over. Oh, a revenge element. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

After what Rack L. Welsh did to them this matter of time. Well, also joining us and we will shortly find out what his chosen form of Armageddon is from just down the road from me. In Crystal Palace, it's Mark Steele. Hello. Hello Mark. I mean, how would you like the worlds

to end what's your sort of optimum form? Well, not like this because Vladimir Putin said that when he put the nuclear missiles on his extra high alert, the reason was least trust the foreign sector, the current bloody ineptitudes, ineptitudes, that is, list trust, the foreign, I mean, I don't mind the human species dying out. But let not the reason for it be list fucking trust. That's just a, that's a poorly millions

of years of humanity. Civilisations, Rome, Egypt, Perger, Alexander the Great, Bae Oven, fucking, Hamid Ali, the invention of things like curling, everything, beekeeping, all we've got, candy, it's a fucking list trust. I'll be lucky to be found out that dinosaurs didn't die out because of an asteroid. It was just there was one really stupid ignorant stegosaurus heavy. Just when I'm going, I'm going to walk over, don't go over there. I'll fucking a little trick over and bloody upset a dent nest of teradactyls and a brunt of sauras and we're gonna offer everyone was dead because of this one fucking swatty stegosaurus. That's what's happening, least trust. We're out now. Who would ever have thought we would look back on 2020 as the good old guy. That's where we're at.

At least then we had a maniacy charger off the world. All he did was send out Mendel Tweets and build a wall and tell us all to drink bleach. Fucking Jesus. Happy times. Yeah, happy times. We will, of course, have full exclusive coverage of whatever Armageddon does materialize here on the Google, the official podcast of the end of the world.

We are recording on the 18th of March 20th. It's good. You've got to take the branding deals, but you can. It's the 18th of March 2022. On this day, in 1965, the Soviet cosmonaut Alexei Leonov performed the first ever spacewalk, a 12 minute, 9 second zero gravity poodle outside the Voskhod 2 commie craft. He said the famous words, one small total about for a man, one symbolic Cold War propaganda victory for all mankind, maybe not all mankind. However, due to the latest retrospective sanctions against Russia in the international community, Leonov has now been disqualified, as has his fellow crew member, Pavel Belyev, the Voschkov II, shall now be known as Rocky the Rocket II, and the International Space Agency has reattributed

the mission to the reigning Wimbledon singles champions of the day, Roy Emerson of Australia and Brazil's Maria Boino, who posthumously, as the honour of being the first person to have walked in space to her seven Grand Slam singles and 12 doubles titles. In other retroactive cultural sanctions, the works of Russian literary giant Alexander Pushkin have been assigned to children's author Lucy Cousins, whose, to whose over of popular works featuring Maisy Mouse, can now be added masterpieces of the 19th century canon, including smash hit verse novel, Yves Geney on Yegyn, the Undertaker, which of course is a famous short story about the professional wrestling scene in 1830s, Yaros level, and Pushkin's no-holds-bar

autobiography when Pushkin comes to Shavkin. Plus, his post-immosely written self-help tone, how to lose a duel and dysenselessly in your prime. Lucy Cousin is also now the author of Pushkin's smash hit historical play, Boris Godinov, its sequel, Boris clearly not Godenov is currently running interminably in London. As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. Today the 18th of March is National Awkwood Moments Day in the USA and let's just declare it global Awkwood Moments Day as well because what a day to be recording as the world sinks daily further into what is proven to be something of an awkward millennium bit of a pattern emerging, alternate millennium seem to start very awkwardly indeed

in the first 20, 30 plus years and the one in between totals along with people doing soddle. Our national awkward moments day celebrates those cringe-inducing moments when the deep flush of embarrassment broiles into your shame quivering cheeks, such as moments such as for example when you've left a horse's head in the wrong person's bed, whilst tempting on a zero, I was contraffer a mafia boss. Sorry, Granny, it doesn't quite cut it, does it? Or perhaps that awkward moment at all perhaps that awkward moment at work when you tell a colleague you thought a film was a total pile of unrelenting shit only to find out that your work colleague wrote, directed, and starred in that film in their secret double life as a Hollywood superstar or maybe you've just launched your PowerPoint presentation to outline your company's marketing strategy for increasing sales of Wi-Fi enabled smart forks in the next two quarters, only to have the wrong file ready and accidentally share your intricate plans for breaking into the Spanish Mint and printing billions of euros worth of banknotes. Or maybe that awkward moment

when you call the judge at your trial mummy, which is probably something to do with a long gray hair. And we look also at some classic awkward moments from history, wrongful executions, unjustified wars, unnecessary massive famines exacerbated by imperial occupies stealing all the food. Frank referendum results that are a deposited steaming slowly into the intraser future generations. We do have a habit as a species of concocting awkwardness. And in particular, we look at arguably the greatest awkward moments in human history. Abraham chopping off the end of his plonker at the age of 99 after misunderstanding God telling him to gather a team of acrobat's jugglers clowns and lion tamers to travel the world persuading people to worship the one true Lord. Sorry boss.

What was that you said? Oh circus mission. Oh no. Oh, I feel really silly now. I feel really. Could you boss could you maybe make a magic bandage appear in that head just so it's really sore. That section in the bin.

That's good, that's good, Andy. Thank you, Laurie. That's some of your astronaut cosmological thing there. Remind me of that, I think this is a true story. When I did my int town show about Corby, I found this out about it. So the extraordinary thing about Corby, I don't know if this all make any sense at all over in America. Corby is this town in a county called Northamptonshire,

which is very sort of, I don't know, it's not that far from London and it's quite seduct. And it's nowhere near at all Scotland, but still works open up there in the 1930s and loads of unemployed still workers that were from Scotland walked down, they were basking and they walked down and they pretty much populated this town. And as a result of that, this town of Colby still has this really sort of broad Scottish arts and you'll meet people who are there and they go, I'm 63 and I've never been to Scotland in my life and that's a little bit. It's true. Now, so the Iron Brew, which is a very Scottish drink, this is the biggest, there's a huge ranges a huge Celtic supporters clubs there and so on. And they do all sorts of Scottish customs, such as they have a porridge eating champion.

Right. And the world porridge eating championship took place in 1969. On the same day, do you know the story? No, I don't know. But I can think, from the year, I'm guessing where you're going with this. Right, well, yes, when the first moon landing happened. And there was a little joke that they had between sort of mission control and the astronauts. And so the astronauts said, what's in the news today? Ah, ah, ah, ah.

And of course, all that was in the news was they're going to the moon. So they found other stories as well. And one of the stories was that a bloke from Colby had won the World Poregy in championships. And Neil Armstrong was so completely fascinated by this, that when he got a chance to name a crater on the moon, he named it Colby. And so there is a crater on the moon called call be on account of that. That's sensational. I mean, I mean, Mark, this podcast isn't really a place for facts, but I've got to let you off with that. So how do they judge the world poor adjeet and chamois? Is it pure volume? Is it artistic impression? Is it lack of... I don't know if it's like a great British porridge

often, the sort of people there going, oh my God, the oats are too murky and they're not even like this, they're just disgrace. I don't know if it's like that or if it is just volume. I don't know. It's volume and speed. So someone here who won it is 23 bowls in 10 minutes.

I think that is the guy. That's a Vanessa guy. 23 bowls in 10 minutes. That outpigs the bowl, though. Yes. Yeah. Not a washing up bowl. It's not specific.

I know. I know the spoon. Yeah, a normal bowl. That's wrong, isn't it? Well, there you are. Let's. I know. I know. Yeah, I know. But that's wrong, isn't it? Well, there you are. Let's ask a feast of the life. We know the answer to that.

You can't. You don't live long when you're eating 23 bowls of porridge in 10 minutes. Is porridge essentially just oatmeal? Yes. Yes. With water or with, yeah, it's probably in about 941 ID by some huge bloke with a kill in the middle of subsistials in sterling

Come and look at what I've invented, oats and water and Top story this week Well, the retro cat-cadde-Cold War country that is Putin's Ukraine expedition power clogs on the Gremlin from the Cremlin still hasn't really read the room or indeed the world and has been once again proving his lack of mastery of the delicate arts of public relations by amongst other things bombing a theatre full of sheltering children, which seldom works from a PR point of view. It's been a bleak few weeks. Have you both been, well, enjoying the onset of what may be World War III and as we mentioned earlier on,

full arm again? There's a relief in it I just wish they'd ripped the band a job sooner. Do you know what I mean? Just it's the anticipation that gets to you like oh, is are we still doing this? Do I still got to pay rent? Do I still have to pay taxes? Can I just let it go like it would I don't need all the thinking like I just like it to be done with if it's going to happen. I'm talking about nuclear annihilation. Right. It's a market. It's quite hard to see any sort of strategic plan from Putin's point because it seems to me even less strategic sense for Russian now than it did when it began and it already made not just no sense but sort of inverse sense. I mean what do you think he's, what's his game?

Well that's probably crazy isn't it to try to work out what he's doing. It's like sort of a bit like watching a maybe you know when you've sort of sprayed a fly and it's not quite done the job but the fly is just visiting all directions all directions but imagine then if you sat around if all the world's top experts at everything sat around going what do you think the fly is aiming to do? Yes, it's probably like that in it. Well I'm in the genius a bit. Usually there's some made up reason for this sort of barbarity. You know, so like, you know, the West bless it. We make up that they've got weapons of mass destruction or that sedan calls 911 or that a domino theory thing like with Vietnam or even Hitler had sort of all where I mean, I've been invited in to protect the German people of Sudet and Land or something, but Puyin is just, I want more things.

And that's even trying, is he? Yes, I mean, without wishing to do, you know, amateur psychological profile on someone who I've, I've never personally met Putin and he's not really in the target demographic of the bugle. But he doesn't seem to be a man, Harry, who is by nature open to the idea of backing down and admitting that he was wrong. No, you see that picture with him with his shirt off on the horse, right? Yeah, that guy doesn't apologize.

That guy goes for it. I mean, it's kind of like he whole held the world hostage with nougues. I mean, honestly, I'm surprised Trump didn't try this. You might have done it. I might be, and not, and just people just didn't interpret. They just couldn't understand what he was saying. It's possible that one of them things about bleach or one of them crazy things where we would just come out and people go, what's he said now? And said now and he's gone oh yeah it's time to put a cactus up the

arson squash of penguin in that and what it was actually so was no no I want to I'm actually I'm saying I want the Isle of Man otherwise I'm gonna nuke everywhere and I'm gonna go quite understand it. There was was Tom and he did talk about taking Greenland at one point. Yes, he wanted to boy. But maybe that was, if that had run on a little longer, maybe would have got to the same, same, I mean, it does seem to a lot to do with Putin's. We had the War of Jenkins ear that we talked about

in the Bugle a few weeks ago. This I think could be the War of Putin's ego, as he continues to put the eye, the eye, three more eyes and another eye into increasing international isolation. Vladimir Zelensky, Harry, talked to the US Congress this week. He gave a 16-minute virtual address. There's the stand-up comedian and basically 16 minutes of stuff,

usually equates to a 20-minute set but it is materially at the moment, not getting a lot of laughs. He was supposed to do 10 minutes, but he burnt the leg. Went way over his time. So I'm standing up about with a bike light, with a red bike, that's what we used to have in the open mic circuit over here. How did did his speech go down? I mean, it went down well. It was weird for me to watch it, because it almost sounded like he was asking for a stay of execution.

Like, I know what we're reporting, but I just have a feeling at some point, Russia just has more, and they will swallow Ukraine hold until unless there's some kind of interference. So like, you know, he was saying all the things you have to say, like he was saying blatant lies too. Like the leader of the world has to be the leader of peace and I'm like, no, it doesn't. It's never been that. He's really trying to work it and it's not been there

it's not been paying attention to America's MO as Lee Well, no indeed ever I mean even before America never been there all the most important people Alex under the great William the Conqueror all the people who've run in Piers the British slave trade. Peace, peace, peace, peace. Also, the leader of peace always gets killed really young. I mean, that's always been the way that works. So it's not really, anyway, it was strange.

I mean, the Congress kept clapping every time he said something, about being resolute and what they're fighting for and stuff. And it was a weird kind of thing to see them clap constantly, both sides, as if to say, yes, this is wonderful. We are not going to do anything. We will continue to clap, but we will do nothing to help you. Please enjoy this extended applause. Do you think, oh, I also was a comic, he was probably thinking, I was getting lots of applause, granks, but no laughs.

Right, right. Just. Ah. It's, they're actively trying to kill him. And it's a strange thing to do a press conference when people are actively trying to kill you. It's like if the road runner just stopped for a second, looked around for why the coyote

and then took a bunch of questions. Like this is not the best time, but he had to do it. Like he's, you know, and it was for cause initially, I'm like he was just wearing a t-shirt. So I'm like, why does he look like a hip-young tech CEO? And then I realized, oh yeah, because he's in an actual war. Not like the wars we fight

were the president, the leaders never get involved. You press a bunch of buttons. He's like literally in the middle of a war where he could be bombed at any moment. And a three-piece suit might not be the most effective thing to wear when you're trying to flee. Zelensky was also really trying to go after the hearts of the American people. So he like referenced how this was their Pearl Harbor or 9-11. But the problem with that is that, you know, that happened to Americans. So that's a problem because what's happening right now in Ukraine is not happening to Americans. And so for, therefore it's not really the same thing. Also, he started referencing other American things. Pearl Harbor, 911, Martin Luther King, Mount Rushmore. I believe he mentioned the Rocky movies, Thriller,

and the McRib, called different attempts to try to get Americans on board. He did similar things with the UK. He mentioned Churchill and Shakespeare. Uh, and then when he did Canada, he paused for a second and he said, Canada has a very nice personality. So, something for everybody. Take that Canada. Is he doing it for everyone?

Like, Walter. Yeah, the end of our offer. Walter. I reckon he goes, Tony Drago, snookerbler. That's what I call that. Yes, you remember your, your awful moment when the country sank into despair when Tony Dregor was knocked out of the third round, 10-9 on the final black. But Joe Johnson in 1985, that too, let's do it with we must face now.

I mean, if we let, let's say the world lets Putin just have Ukraine. I mean, certainly there's no historical example that show that he can't just stop with one country, right? We just have to let him take the one and then it should stop. Isn't that how this has worked historically? How did this go in America, because I heard the bit where he was talking about Pearl Harbor. And I thought, a bit of me did think, I'm impressing me, you can't help but like, but I got a, but that was clearly a very, very sort of

brazen attempt to catch the heartstrings of the American did pick, did it work? Or is it like you said, people just went, oh, was, yeah, but it's not asked some bollocks. Yeah, that's pretty much what happened because you can see the videos and you see what's happening and you know what's happening. It's terrible. Well, that's not complete.

You have the American people just discovered what Ukraine is. The other half were like, oh, these videos are horrific. You know, this is happening. You don't need to be like, you know, this is like your Pearl Harbor because honestly, most Americans at this point like don't have any feelings about Pearl Harbor whatsoever. And also don't know what a day that will live in infamy even means. So it's very like, I don't think it made very much of an impact here again because like an

American's didn't get hurt. He is appealing for more direct assistance from America and the West in general to counteract the Russian military machine. The Russian military machine seems a pretty shit machine, but it is a big machine, yes, controlled by a cast iron total shit head. So still a concerning machine. He said another thing, I was quite interested by about the no fly zone. I think is this a lot to ask for to create a no fly zone over Ukraine to save people? Is that too much to ask? It was in fact a multiple choice question. A, yes, B, no. C, also no, apart from the fact that there are 13,000 nuclear weapons on this planet, and we're going to get the impression of Vladimir Putin is using his big red button as an office also know, apart from the fact that there are 13,000 nuclear weapons on this planet, and

we're going to get the impression of Vladimir Putin is using his big red button as an office stress toy. So it's hard to see where it can go from here. Liz Truss, the aforementioned Liz Trussmark, the harbinger of the end of the world, as you've described to said in response to the events unfolding in in Ukraine that the era of complacency is over. Yes. Now, is it over and if so, why did it last so long? It just full of these sorts of phrases, aren't they? No more, no longer, are we going to be complacent?

It's, I'm not gonna say this, it does remind me of when I had a water bill that came in for 1,300 pounds and it took me months to sort it out. And eventually this bloke on the phone said, Mr. Sewell, you'll be very pleased to know that we have now passed this matter onto our concerned team.

And I thought, well, who's out before that couldn't give a shit team? know that we have now passed this matter onto our concerned team. I thought, well, who's out before they couldn't give a shit team? And that's, and that's that this is what they're saying, isn't it? We will know we have now passing this matter onto our concerned team, this matter of landing the apputing, which suggests that they've really not given a, well, not out with, if I believe they've not given a f***, but they have given a f***, they've given a huge f***, they've given a f*** as much as we see this monstrous completely deranged lunatic running a huge chunk

of the world, including loads of nuclear missiles. And what we've decided to do within is not be complacent, but let him send all his bloody oligarchs over here to buy a Riverside apartments and football clubs. And we're going to buy all that energy off him, and he can do whatever we want, and he's going to we're going to play tennis with his bloody, who ever he fancies, in order that they fund their political parties. And so it's not complacency at all. They haven't been complacent.

They've gone, oh, come here, they're still wonderful, fucking lunatic bloody bear back on a horse, nuclear missile fucking crazy man. They've not been complacent. They've not gone all over. I wonder if they'll be a lunatic. They've gone, oh, he's a lunatic, brilliant.

By all ass shit. So tiptoe without fine line between complacency and naked, venal self-interest. I mean, it's a tricky balance to strike those politically and economically expedient chickens have come home to have explosive diarrhea all over their room. Listras also said that this represented a paradigm shift, which is polite talk for, we f**ked up good and proper. So interesting times for the world. Do you think she knows what that means? I don't know.

What does it mean? What do you know? What is a paradigm? No one knows. It's just, it's a term that's used to cover up the fact that no one knows what it means. I mean, if only with hindsight, you know, people have been warning about the dangers of excessive reliance on fossil fuels for say the last 50 or more years or if only people have raised concerns about the reliability of Vladimir Putin say, you know, 20 plus years ago, but no one

did, apart from the people who did, but no one, no one did that. And I guess that's we have to regret that. So I think what Trump has given the world is the sort of rather than the old fashion lying politicians, you now just sort of they say things that if you're caught up on it, you go, ah, yes, but that could be interpreted as that. Now you just totally might stuff up. So that's what this trust to do. That's what Boris Johnson when he said, we said we have we have been settled more people since 2015 than anyone in the world. So it's not just saying, oh, we have taken a lot of refuge. We've taken more than anyone in the world. And Poland has taken a million and at that point Britain

has taken 300, but 300 more more than a million in the world. And no one goes, what are you f**king talk about? How much did your shitty education cost that you're giving 300 is more than a million in mathematically incoherent f**king North? But no one does. No, Prime Minister said that we've taken more than anyone in the world, more indeed than all the world, put together we're bigger than the universe. Now the weather. Quick side note, the president of Yemen is still waiting for that zoonling from Congress.

It's to gotten lost in a spam folder or something. Think he's there right now. Make work. And over a year, where is it? They said he got lost in the mill. That's impossible, but keep clicking. Okay. Out of sight out of mind, first

front of international diplomacy. We've seen over the course of the war, incredible courage and bravery from people in Ukraine. And also various acts of protest within Russia. This week, TV also various acts of protest within Russia. This week, TV produced a Marina of Gianna Kova interrupted a primetime TV news bulletin holding up a banner saying no war and Russians against war, and then there was some bitten between us. I assume she panicked because the letters in between didn't make sense when

they look sort of like proper letters, but they'll do lines going the wrong way and stuff. Anyway, the message was quite clear. She also issued a video statement. Now she's worked in TV news for a long time. The video statement said, we are just silently watching this anti-human regime and now the whole world has turned away from us. And the next generation and the next 10 generations won't be able to clean themselves from the shame of this fractraceidal war.

Now here's Oleg with the travel. When she interrupted the news bulletin, the newsreader tried to just talk over her and then they switched to an emergency tape. And it made me think, why can't our news bulletins go to emergency tapes every day? Five seconds into every but will that not make us happier as a death switch to footage of Ian Bogdham at head again in 1981. Well, or would you like Hugh Edwards to appear behind the main newsroom and say, I am sorry for all of the lies that I have said over the years. I have been my part I have said over the years, I have been my part in turning the country into zombies and the flatter side of what is it? I have flatter side of the time everyone against this.

Well, I suppose reading the news over a period of 20 years probably would have its effects on you, you know, so it must be in a paramedical something. So he is the most morose, even if everything was, uh, under the, is the first day of fucking spring. Boris Johnson, meanwhile, with the flows of oil and gas from Russia being at least temporarily inconvenience by the Ukrainian situation, Johnson was forced to resort this week to trying to butter up a perhaps currently marginally less dirty tyrannical death-gulp war mongering regime, whose military crimes are choice of considered less concern in these parts under the out of sight, out of mind clause of the UN's founding charter.

He was off to Saudi Arabia, the Prime Minister, also known under his official honoree title of the First Lord of Floundering, Fuck Wittery, to try to persuade him to let us have more of their blood oil, rather than Russian blood oil. I mean, it did show, I think, the way the world works in a not particularly glowing light this trip, Mark, wouldn't you say? Yeah, so of course, but Boris Johnson almost does it sort of, honestly, whereas other policies have to be more snyd about it, we will not be beholden to radical regimes. That is why I'm off to see the king of Saudi Arabia. Peace loving Saudi Arabia.

He has been accused of having no moral compass, Boris Johnson, which isn't entirely fair. He does have a moral compass. Problem is he's torn the needle out of it and scrubbed out all the directions and just put a photo of his own face on it. Saudi Arabia for those who've not heard of it is a part-time kingdom, full-time global sports brand still looking good for the executing political prisoners demonstration sport at Paris 2024 which could be a rare Olympic gold for the kingdom. While Boris Johnson was there, they executed three more people to add to the 81 they dispatched in a single day recently, which

prompted a rather bizarre sporting event in a post-match press conference. All good questions for the newcastle, the United Football Manager, Eddie Howe, at Newcastle recently taken over by Saudi Arabia, essentially via a sovereign wealth fund. So Eddie Howe, instead of speculating on whether the magpies remain vulnerable to counter attacking overloads on the left hand side, when their full back pushes up, was faced with queries about the wrongs and even wrongs of match state executions, the tool for stifling dissent, such as sport, 2020. Tough things for football manager to deal with. But it's so, it's so distressing, like, to the Chelsea fans.

Sorry, if you're familiar with this, but Chelsea is this club that was bought by Roman Abramovich, who is now, it turns out as if there was ever any doubt about it, it was very close to Putein, and he ran away from the collapse of the Soviet Union with $5 billion worth of assets, which he was given for almost nothing for supporting Boris Yeltsin in his campaign of strike deal.

And part of that money he used to buy Chelsea football club. And well Chelsea fans were very ethical, of course, and they couldn't give a shit. And now sanctions have been put against him and he's got to give up the club and he's not allowed to sell it and there's a part of the sanctions. And of course they're just all ringing in phone. It's not fair, it's disgusting. And you think, no, well, I can see that if over that all this business has gone on in the Ukraine over the last four weeks, that's a fair point because if anyone suffered in that time, it's Roman Abramovich, the other George's football club, who's really been

put through the mill, then, fuck, is certainly puts the trifles of those people in bloody key evidence of perspective. And I think, what about this? So this is part of the sanctions. £20,000 is the upper limit on what they're allowed to spend on a way travel. And I evenly, I thought, right, £20,000 for the rest of the season for away games. Well, they should be at a managed action, they. It's £20,000 per match. And their next match is against Middlesbrough, which is a very industrial town up in the north east of England, not that far. You can get there easily in two and a half hours on the train.

And the Chelsea Football Club went berserk, saying, we can't get there and back for £20,000 to f***ing Middlesbrough. How did they normally try trouble they hire beyond sight to push him in a wheelbarrow. Coming on the f***ing floor and a magic carpet. Just open out a f***ing ostrich bedders. And they go, it's not, it's sanctioned. Yes, but we are used to travelling more luxury playing

swimming pool on the wheel. Oh, it's so depressing. Not one of them. Not let them even go. I understand that people in Ukraine are stuck. I'll give a fuck about them. I'm a fucking football club. Now, we got playing a fucking Champions League in with the take of the msouce. We've got to leave them behind. Yes, so no more transfers for Chelsea forward the foreseeable future. But moving on to a transfer that did happen in the 1970s, the transfer of 1500 tanks from Britain to Iran, which is, this is an extraordinary story. So two British Iranian prisoners, Nazanine Zagari

Ratcliffe and Anouche Ashori, have been released finally this week after five and six years in Iranian prisons irrespectively. I think I've gotten the wrong way around. Anyway, years, let's just say years in Iranian prisons. And essentially what seems to have happened is that Britain has finally paid a 400 million pound debt to Iran dating back to the 1970s for undelivered tanks. This is just one of the strangest stories. It's a really good new story. I'm just you know, on the personal level of Nazan and Zagari Raqlif, finally being reunited with her husband and young daughter. And Adoucia Shuri with his family.

But quite how it all came about is just totally, about a 400 million pound debt for under-liver tanks. I think the most astonishing thing, although I was telling thing about this story. So for people who don't know, yes, so she was, she was, well she was a project manager, nothing to go directly. Who went to Iran from which she first came to visit her parents and then was arrested at Tehran Airport on the way back and was charged with spying, which he clearly wasn't spying, she was a project manager. So that's very important for the main subplot of this story.

So, and then she was just kept in jail for all this time. All sides knew she wasn't spying. She was just kept sort of hostage really for this 400 million and Britain never wanted to pay it and stuff out there and now suddenly who would have thought for some reason Britain wants to be close to countries who've got lots of energy all of a sudden just by coming to this at the same time as the country that they were getting loads of energy from has gone full scale mental and invaded somewhere. So clearly it's to do with that. And so that one brilliant side issue of that, as you say, she came home this week, which is marvellous. But now this is the important subplot, because Boris Johnson was the foreign secretary four years ago,

when it was his job to go and meet the Iranian diplomats to discuss this. And he clearly had not read even the headlines of his briefing. And so he said to the Iranians, she was just a journalist. That's all she was doing, just here being a journalist. She was a journalist, she was a project, nothing to do with anything at all. And the Iranians were saying she was a journalist and she was firing, which he absolutely utterly wasn't. And then he went and then guessed she was a journalist. So they went, aha! So he was a journalist and she was spying, which he absolutely absolutely wasn't. And then he went and then guessed she was a journalist, so they went, ah-ha! So she was a journalist and increased her f**king status of this f***** idiot as managed to get who else is

like a lawyer. Yes, well we have got them to change our sentence, unfortunately I've got them to triple it because I see it. But I'm not even on trial, I'm the clock of the court. Yes, well, I'd rather did say that you were involved in the burglary. So I'm a pretty happy guy to do this. Keep great moral. It's running out country. I've been just as soon a few and invite us and take over here as well. The better. It's just so bad. a pretty per tell is probably thinking, I don't know why she's celebrating, I'll be deporting her again by the weekend. It's very marvellous in all sorts of ways, marvellous in all sorts of ways but for terrible reasons.

And I guess a lesson has been learned. Well, I mean in terms of 400 million pound debts for underlibered tanks, never pay up front if you're buying 1500 tanks. Surely you stagger those payments. They've you stagger them. Well, you haven't want a direct debit, you'd those pilots. Dave, you stagger them. Well, you haven't want to direct them at you to film. Ha ha ha ha ha. The IMF is probably so impressed with Iran. Like, we need to get your money back.

That is a shake down. I wish we could hold people hostages. Oh my God. Brilliant. I think if Nazanine wants to go away again, I'd suggest Bournemouth. LAUGHTER MUSIC

America News now, and no more switching of clocks. Twice a year for America, Harry, daylight saving is to be made permanent. So rather than having to put your clocks forward and then back, which takes anything up to three to four minutes to change all your clocks, that's twice a year. So Hari, that's equivalent to almost 20 million hours lost in the USA, changing clocks, assuming 200 million people do change their clocks, obviously not everyone. And if they're all on a basic $1.5 million

per hour salary like classic American Tom Brady, that's $30 trillion a year wasted changing clocks. So this is a huge turning point in American economic history, you know what I'm saying? Correct. Yes, plus it eliminates the excuse of, oh, I forgot, I'm sorry, I'm late. I forgot to turn my clock back or forward.

And that has been useful for quite some time. I never really understood why we did it. And I looked up a bunch of articles and I still don't really understand. It's just so, it doesn't get late. Is that right? It doesn't get late too early and it doesn't get, it't I don't really understand the thing that annoys me the most about this in addition to not understanding exactly how it works is so you decide to get rid of something that's been an institution in this country for quite some time that never really made sense to people

but like we just went along with it because that's the way it's been and finally you challenged it and you got rid of it and that Institution isn't the electoral college You went after daylight savings It's a pet peeve. It's not a challenge to democracy It doesn't it's not part of the reason that this country is as messed up as it is It's just an annoyance. And I hated the articles I was reading about how the Democrats or Republicans finally agreed on one thing.

And I'm like, it's not even a thing. It's barely a stupid thing to begin with. I mean, sure, what we could have done is just kept it as is, like gotten rid of it. We should never have done it to, you know, kept it as is, like, gotten rid of it. We should never have done it to begin with data savings. I mean, people just simply would have been like, oh, we should come in an hour later today or an hour earlier, but I guess that's, that doesn't work. Whatever. The point is it farmers.

Because here it's always it's farmers. No, but nobody knows. Nobody, I read three articles. Nobody was giving me a clear answer I don't understand why we were playing with clocks to begin with And now and the electoral college is still there. So what was the point of any of this? Well, hurry, but surely you've got to look upon this as a a gateway reform that you know America might From this seemingly minor reform

And Marco Rubio, the Republican Senator from Fraud, said, if we can get this past, we don't have to keep doing this stupidity anymore. Now, as you say, it's not the most obvious piece of stupidity that America should be looking to scrub out from. It's not to do list. But, yeah, if this works, then they can look at the electoral college and gun crime and presidential ponds. Whatever else you want to reform about America, but you have to change the clocks. Or stop the clock changing first, just as a little entry level reform. Are you assuming that the next thing after the clock business is gun reform?

Yes. And the electoral, as opposed opposed to we have to do something about leap year like you know you're gonna be but then it builds up slowly then maybe legalize some unpasteurized cheeses and you know gradually and in just you know blink of an eye over the next thousand or so years America will become a slightly more just society. Just give it a try. I think leap year.

No, I think, no, you've mentioned it. I think leap year does take precedence. Oh, yum. The Jewish calendar has a leap month, if I remember very vaguely from some time ago now. So, you know, can bring. How does that happen? Uh, well, every now and again.

Uh, yeah, no, that's a secret that my people are not limited to the I've All that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Um, about our premium level voluntary subscribers this week because I have to dash off to do a tour show in Maidenhead depending on when you receive this. Do come along to all of the rest of my tour gigs. There are a few tickets left on Saturday night and all the shots Sunday night in Nottingham. The next week Bristol Exeter Cambridge and Milton Keynes and I have eight dates in London in May. Mark, tell us about your podcast.

Oh yes, I've got, yes, my podcast is my own little breakaway. I've been like people do for the Mafia when they go off to start their own family. So it's called, what the fuck is going on? And that comes out every week. It's airfinding three stars. So I'm assuming that's what it made it might be what the flag is going on who knows but yeah yeah so that's every week I'm joined by my son and I bred specifically to find out what is going on and there are various characters who

come and help. It's only one that you'd be appreciative of, I think, Andy Fred Truman, deceased crickets Fred Truman, comes on. What's the shit about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've given mostly his views that everything was marvelous until 1965 and then terrible. You with? Yeah, so I've got various shows going around the country.

Now that we're all back out touring, you're going to come and go any of them are to be honest, but if you look me know you're up and go through every single town in Britain. You'll come across the ones I'm going to. All right, anything to plug? Yes, I'm on tour again. A lot of dates, but I'll just give you a handful. Washington, DC, April 7th through 9th, Blueington, Indiana, April 14th to 16th. Richmond, Virginia, May 19 to 21. If I survive Richmond, May 25 to 28, San Francisco punchline. I'll be all over

Chicago, Toronto, Cleveland. I'm in Milwaukee next week at the Laughing Tap. So yeah, I'll be all over the place. That's just puts us so well. Oh, wearing, I've been made dead. I'm in Tring. I've got Bill Morky to run home. Denver Richmond Chicago San Francisco. Oh, I forgot to mention Harryford. Well, do go to all of those shows, but youlers. We'll be back next week with more on whatever is happening in the entire universe. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.

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