The Cake Eaters - 141. The Protector

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

We've got Connie, we've got the apocalypse, and we've got the desert; what more could you want?! Heath and Brandon cover 2025's The Protector. The boys discuss tax write-off movies, diarrhea sound effects, the environmental crisis, and falling asleep.Follow us on Instagram @thecakeeaterspodEmail us at [e-mail]

It's not worth winning if you can't win me! You can be my long-lost pal. You know, because it's the protector. Yeah. I mean, what's the thing? And you can call me out. Is that Simon? Al-Mal.

Who sings? sings bodyguard why am I blanking on it? I keep wanting to say Simon and Garfunkel. God damn it. Paul Simon. Yeah, yeah. Jeez Louise. I can be your bodyguard. Dude, that song is good vibes though. Boom, boom, bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Like, it's just good vibes. Solid vibes. Yeah, but what was I was going to sing? Oh, yeah. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world. as we know it it's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine you do do do do do six o'clock TV's on doing stuff and things Tommy boy impression nailed it there's a beautiful beautiful opening heath

you like how I threw Tommy boy impression this is this is the kick in his podcast everybody that's he's on Brandon and we have a gem for you today he's a gem it's so good you may as well call it the last water on earth I don't okay I don't know where you're going with that we're doing the protector everybody

starring Marguerite Moreau dude shout out Connie she's still she she gave it her terrible movie she gave it her outstanding performance I don't know if I would say outstating. She left it all on the field, Brandon. It was very generous. She emptied the tank on those fight scenes.

You know there was no double. Dude, the fight scenes with the, they. I don't know who. I can't wait for you to morph into the hater during this movie. And I'm going to be nice because it was, it was not good enough for me to be able. to watch it straight through, but it also, um, was it like, you know, I had to take a break a couple times. Like I just straight up was like, you know what? I'm going to, I'm going to finish.

30 minutes is enough. Like, I don't finish this a little bit. I watched this at like 11 p.m. last night when I got home and I fell asleep multiple times. And I did. Same. I had to microdose the movie. Yeah. So I would fall asleep for like 10 minutes, wake up and be like, oh, fuck. Let me rewind. What did I miss? And you know what? I didn't miss anything. No, it's, it was, you know how I feel, I can't remember one episode.

We talked about how like shitty movies just don't get made anymore because they can't and like studios can't afford it. Yeah, everything's going to be. Yeah. This, you know, shout out. They proved this wrong. Like they made a really bad made for TV movie, but it's like perfect. to be for free on roku tv it's made for it this is the this is the definition of a of a tax

write-off movie like you know how disney like deletes their movies and writes it off on taxes because it technically doesn't exist anymore that this movie was made for in two years for them to just claim it as a tax write-off the big rumor is that disney is thinking about doing that the newer star wars movies they're just like we're but that's a fake internet rumor there's there's too much merch to be made off of that stuff i don't know if you if you delete because i think if you delete it i think i don't think you can sell merch for it either i don't i don't know exactly the rules but i would imagine you couldn't right i don't i have no idea but they that is definitely something they did with game changers they they deleted that shit real quick and

claim that as a tax write-off. Well, it was, it was bad. You know, like, it was... It was better than this. I would take Game Changers any day over this nonsense. Well, that's true. Game Changers was... Had so much potential, and they just did it,

executed the storyline so poorly. Oh, yeah, yeah. Especially, yeah. Once, once they lost Emilio in the second season, it was over. It was... It was scramble mode. Well, and, you know, I mean, let's be honest.

As soon as they said the don't bothers, I was all the way out. Any red-blooded American would be all the way. They would, you know what? They told us to don't bother and we listen. And then what was that dumb, the dumb play they did where they like pretended the puck was lost or something? That was stupid too. Oh, my God. And how they tried to change.

the knuckle puck yeah yeah heat-seeking knuckle puck and had freaking hashtag girls freaking well lord lord lord grant Lauren grant was like the best part of that show why is she teaching the knuckle puck what the fuck is well yeah her teaching the knuckle puck I mean if any if honestly if I had to pick a random person that could pull off a knuckle puck lower like Gilmore might be my might be my She's got the the the insane that's an insane comment bringing in Did you ever watch Gilmore girls? No they talked too fast and it bugs me

Dude I was all in on Gilmore girls How it's just I don't it was just not for me That's because you're a hater you're a hater That's not whatever You're the one hating on this movie My God everything I would I give me He give me the pros I would love to hear your pros of for this movie. Give me, give me the highlights. If you are super into media to help defend the environment,

then this movie is made for you. I would argue against that. I think they're, I don't think they landed their message. I think, I am, I am, I am less of a, of a fan of the environment after watching this movie then i'm gonna use more water than i ever have before do you ever do you ever have that feeling where like you have your opinion on you have an opinion on or a stance on something and then somebody comes in and like it is trying to defend you or you know say the same uh stance that you have but they do it in such a bad way that you're like ah maybe i should switch sides that's how i felt about this movie it's like you know what the empire.

Yeah. I was, I was, I was, I was on your side and then you started talking, you know. It was, so much of it was just,

it's a, it's a blatant Matt, Mad Max ripoff. Down to, down to the, the, um, muscle car,

um, sports. Dirt Joustine? What the fuck was that? It, well, I don't know. And they just replayed the same dirt jousting scene a hundred times.

They only had money for two CGI dirt jousting scenes. So yeah, they had to use that. They had to use those up. They were like, listen, we have to pay X amount of money for these two scenes. We're going to get our monies for it. We're going to use these scenes until we can't use them anymore. I've never seen a scene the same scene. seen use more times in a movie.

Could have changed 15 minutes off by just doing that once. Well, and then they would, like, especially with the scene where she's first walking, like she gets out of jail. And she's like walking and she stops to watch the dirt chowseeing. They, again, they have that one scene.

They are showing the dirt jousing. Then they cut to the crowd with her in the crowd. Then they cut back to the dirt jousing. But it's not. not a new dirt jousting scene. They actually rewinded it 10 seconds. So you're seeing that 10 seconds from the end of your first clip is now the beginning of the next clip.

So we're rewatching 10 seconds. Like they could have shaved off probably 30 minutes by just not showing the same dirt jacisting scene over and over again. Dude, I'm telling you. And then not to jump to the end, but the dude's kid nail. me kills there's not a there's not a single person in this movie named Naomi you know what I'm talking about his name's like neon neon me naidi I think or niadi I forget how they say it's N-A-A-T-I-N-A-T-I-A-D-I-I-D-I-I-I-I-I-

I don't know but what I do know is him killing Marguerite Moreau and then the kid being like hey tat you're the tattoo I dreamed about I'll hold your hand. And then like it, he, uh, Brandon. And then the, he the,

and then the forced, uh, because they, they showed the, we had been on such a good streak of heaters. And this just, this, it threw me for a loop.

Cause at first, I text you and I was like, sick, dude. We got another to be banger. Jackie Chan and the protector. Like, this looks like it's going to be dope as hell.

But then, right before I watched it, I was like, I don't remember Brandon saying that this was the Jackie Chan Buster Rhymes movie, you know, like I thought that was something different. So that's why I text you and then you text me back. And I'm so glad that I text you like and then took a break and I think I ate or something before I turned the movie on. Thank God. Yeah, the Jackie Chan movie. So that's the other thing. not only is this the movie we watched the Marguerite Moreau Protector,

not only is it a blatant rip-off of Mad Max, it's also the 80th movie called The Protector. There's so many movies named The Protector. Yeah. I got to find it another word for this. I am glad. I am very glad you texting me because after you texting me, I was thinking to myself,

I was like, there's so many movies. thank God he texted me. There's so many movies names of The Protector. There wasn't a chance in hell you were going to pick the right one. No, no.

Essentially not off just like a Google of the Protector. Like it's just I, so when you sent it to me, the disappointment was probably radiated from my seat because I was like, oh, I thought I was going to watch a dope-ass

Jackie Chan movie dude it's it just it was it I wanted to like it for Marguerite Moreau like I wanted to I wanted to I had an open mind going in I was all ready for it and then I just was begging for it to be over I was just begging for it like when I had 20 minutes left killing he was like he don't you have to didn't you say you have to finish your movie and I was like well do I guess I You know, I guess for the pod, I will do it, but geez, Louise, they didn't make it easy. And those last 10 minutes were grueling. Yeah. For the love of Pete, just put this end. It was, you knew it was leading to a terrible ending. And so it was like, just get it over with put us out of our misery.

Yeah. But, you know, like you said, it was, it's way, way, way too fucking long. the nothing ties together well it i was so goddamn confused i'm glad to see i was so goddamn confused they have so much exposition and um a d r and um just like they over explained so much so much but then also i didn't know what was going on it was the worst kind of exposition they talked so much and didn't tell me anything that is exactly and like there was always weird lectures and soapbox moments, but it wasn't to help with the story. The amount of times, like the amount of like one-liners they try to land is so annoying.

There was like seven, seven or eight times in this movie where like right before they get in a fight, Connie is like, you know, she like has like one, like a weird little quip that was like, like, the writing in this movie the dialogue is god awful it's terrible but there's like seven or eight times where i knew that whoever wrote this was like that's the line that's gonna fucking crush that's gonna crush because they like in the movie they like pause for like they give you like a like a little applause uh break opening you know it's like it was ridiculous you're gonna feel like a real dick criticizing this movie brand in because this is one of five movies released in 2025 from actors Graham Green who died in September 2025 from natural causes after a lengthy unspecified illness. Yeah, I know, I know Graham Green is dead.

What are the chances that you knew who Graham Green was before you read that quote? Do you even even given a guess on who that, what character he's playing? I have no idea. Exactly. Oh, that's who that guy? It's no shit. But yes, I did know RIP. He's like, yeah.

he's what move okay hold on now i have to scroll through is i keep talking riff a little bit because now i should scroll through his i mdb a little bit i don't feel bad though about being here i i already knew graham greeted passed away you know and like you said like you said he's in five other movies this isn't his swan song and yeah i don't i don't feel so much stuff yeah he's a he's a decorated actor god what because he's he's also he's also he's also he's also he's also he's also he's incredibly um he was incredibly established and acclaimed and all that kind of stuff so he was he was like the you know for better or for worse he was the the go-to when you needed a native american boom graham green's your guy yeah yeah that's he he really was like in so that's why he's in

it's taken me like five minutes just to get to 1997 because he's in so much just random shit die hard with a vengeance is probably what you recognize oh my god no no no i or dances with wolves are you a big dances with wolf guy you kind of want to be i i do know him from dances with wolves but uh north is what i was thinking of that oh he's in north too banger yeah that's in north that's we can do north because i know that's on the list that's on the list don't worry dude it's such a a good movie so unhinged he's also in wind river did you ever watch wind river no with Jeremy Renner and what's the youngest Olson Elizabeth, Elizabeth Olson? Oh.

Wend River isn't a fantastic movie, but it's also incredibly sad. So, you know. I don't like sad movies very much or scary movies. It's such a good movie, though. It's the only thing, because it's written and directed by Taylor Sheridan, who does Yellowstone and all that. it's the it's the only thing he's done that I've ever liked and it's amazing but it is it is incredibly sad I'm not going to watch it

I highly recommend it it's a great it's a great movie just bring the tissues you know I got too many issues to bring those tissues Brandon but yeah Graham Green shout it to Graham Green RIP it's a bad movie though it's the there's like I said there's so much exposition that that doesn't tell you anything

The graphics are God awful. They, whoever, it must have been the, they must have like just discovered that blood spurt, um, effect because they, they use that so much,

dude. Every, it's like, whenever there's a fight every three seconds, there's a CGI bloodsper. It, it, this story didn't make sense,

though, I think is what, like, it just, right? Like, it, it's like,

I said, like, there was so much dialogue for considering there was no storytelling. And like there was the rot. They never really like got into what the rot was. And then she had the rot at the end. But then so they never really explained it. It's like from a disease from that I forget what it is. But then she got it. But it didn't make her go crazy like the other people like not crazy.

like they stutter and it's too much iron right well that that's a different thing that wasn't the rot so the rot is it's a yeah a deadly disease um that like ravaged the countryside she i so again i'm gonna make a lot of assumptions here because they don't fucking say anything she says when they when they see they show her have a scar the graham green's like oh that's uh what's that from and she's like oh that's the the rot i got it early on is what she says so i'm thinking she'd been in jail for five years i believe and i think when she she got from the way she phrased that i'm assuming she got the rot early on when she was in jail and because she was in like a you know in a government facility or whatever

i'm assuming she had access to you know stop it and keep it from spreading whereas I think they mentioned somewhere I think I don't know I might be just I might be purposely filling in these holes or subconsciously filling in these holes with made-up shit but I believe the the rot was the rot was killing most of the poor people because the poor people couldn't get you know

they didn't have access to water and they didn't have any you know doctors or whatever whereas so I'm assuming because she was in jail she had access to those things so they were able to stop it That's what I'm assuming. Sounds like a poorly executed political commentary to me, Brandon. Oh, it's like I said, it almost made me want to switch sides. You should.

You should just do it. Just be obnoxious about it too. But the stuttering. Get on TikTok, be obnoxious about everything. The stuttering with the mechanic that you're thinking of, the kid's mom says he got he, that happened to him because he was drinking water that had lead in it. So I don't think that was

rot related. I think that was just no access to water related. You know? Well, everybody's everybody's had a little lead. It's not, you know. The yeah, I don't even know how to talk about this movie.

Like the I got, I have, she, is she have, like, what was the point of her having diarrhea while when she found the kid I was waiting to bring that up I was going to say we have a Marguerite Morel

poop scene but like what was the point of her having uncontrollable diarrhea and she didn't wipe but I guess there's no toilet paper so it's probably factual but you think that get itchy

well she might she might have wiped they do a lot of cuts anyway yeah I don't don't know they could have not played the sound effect and been fine i don't know i don't know why they insisted on playing the sound effect going through her head like i used to act in the mighty ducks and now i've got a poop scene in this freaking insane movie yeah like i can't like there was

she she could have been doing anything well like they were trying diarrhea or she could have just speed she didn't have to have diarrhea she i mean she could have had diarrhea and just don't play the sound effect you didn't need to you i just couldn't believe that scene i was like i was like what in the world is on my screen right now they're trying to create a sense of urgency well first of all the going to the bathroom's hard in the post apocopohips you know if you saw the sign on the on the outside of the place for the apocalypse his last chance at bathrooms is what the sign said last chance at basically a buckies of the apocalypse exactly so they were they were trying to create a sense of urgency that would explain her busting through the parents and into the bathroom although i have

questions for the parents why are we hiding him in the bathroom that doesn't make any sense especially if you're going to leave him alone um and then then be if you're Leaving him alone in a public bathroom. Well, then B, if you're going to do that, lock the fucking door. And then also the one kid who needs to hide, why are we giving him the loudest toy in the world? Why are you giving him anything that's noisy? That's so stupid. Brandon, that is too much logic for someone to think through.

And then they completely ignore their mechanic and end up blowing themselves up like a bunch of dumb-dums. I, after the car blew up, I was like, so they just straight up killed themselves. Like, the guy told them that the car was going to blow up if they left. and then they were shocked when the car blew up exactly the way the mechanic told them it was going to blow up I don't know if they had time to be shocked that it blew up he's I mean it just it was the most annoying thing ever like if the car's going to blow up at least have it be because someone planted a bomb or something yeah well then let's see the other thing they have the um they put the tracking device on Marguerite and

her car. And then the whole scene at the mechanics place where there's a lot, she makes the mechanic pull the tracker out. That thing ripped out real easy. I don't know why she couldn't have just done that herself. Pop. Yeah. She makes the mechanic do it and then she punches the mechanic after he does it.

That didn't make any sense. He's not going to rat you out. He didn't even know what the fuck it was. it was also why did they throw her in jail they never really explained that and because dirt jousting

the loser never survives is what they say somewhere along the lines it's people die all the time usually usually the driver doesn't die but um but then so you would imagine if the loser's dying but the sport is still going on like the winner keeps going they're not throwing those people in jail

it's not in a so what i can tell it wasn't an illegal sport it was it was like you know it was fine it was like battle to the death if you die you know that's on you i don't i just don't get why they threw her in jail because her driver died it wasn't even her like she threw her jad that's not a javelin isn't it she threw her spear and hit the dude and then his spear flew flew out and hit her drag like it doesn't make any sense why she's in jail that sounds pretty malicious

to me because it's right it's not an illegal sport they never I don't think right I'm not sure actually I don't think it is you would think in the 80 minutes of exposition they get they have overlaid it would say something about that but it doesn't

I just don't get why she was thrown in Dale. Brandon, you're asking for logic from a movie that literally doesn't follow a straight line, it seems like, for so much in the storyline. We also, so since we're, we're here, we got to talk about True. Who's the, uh, who's, uh, Marguerite's, uh, wife. They got married. Her wife, put some respect on the name, Heath, okay.

Uh, did you unplug yourself? yeah sorry this thing's in my back yeah you're back all right but so but so it's it's uh marguerite's uh wife who is who doesn't usually so marguerite we haven't explained any of this give a quick synopsis of the movie because we have been everywhere we got really into this movie even though it was just slop i don't even know if i can't explain this i'm going to pull Let me pull a IMD He used AI to write it Probably

He there's Something's off Something's off Raoul Some of this is AI Raul Gustazora Is the writer-director I wonder what else he's done

He's written two other things Oh he Do you want to know Do you want to know one of his writing credits on IMTV? what it's a 2012 best buy holiday commercial best by must-haves nice can't blame him there then so that that's what we're working with is the he's got he's uh he's written best by comments before but anyway let me so marguerite moreau her name she played the character she plays is named key key is a i guess a legendary um dirt jouster

I believe I read in one of the synopsis she's the only loser who never died. But so she is a legendary dirt jouster. And then she usually has a different driver. Her driver quits. So then she calls on, oh, the prize for dirt jousting is money and water. and so what is you know water is pretty big when there is none left yes we're we're in a post apop we're 2042 i think was the year they gave we're in a post apoptopopopopopopalptic uh united states we're in the desert there's no water people are dying um there's warlords it's it's it's a rip

up of mad max we're in the desert post apocalyptic desert with no water mad max yeah yep warlords doing things but so key so margaret is a legendary uh dirt jouser who's splitting her winnings with her wife and her wife is then giving it back to um the reservation because she's the daughter of the chief at the reservation true and then so then there's uh the there's the last race before she goes to prison her driver quits she tells the neighbor who offers to drive to go fuck himself. And then True,

her wife is like, I'm driving, let me drive you. And she gets killed during that race from a like a ricochet spear. And I think they throw Marguerite in jail

because she died because they think she killed her. I don't know why she gets started to jail, but she gets started in jail for five years. Then one of the warlords is trying to get

onto the reservation that was mentioned before with True. They're trying to get on to the reservation. but they can't, but they know Marguerite was lovers with the chief's daughter. So they break her out of jail and try to use her to get into the Native American reservation that only has one person on it now, which is Graham Green. And that makes sense because your only source of water would obviously be the one place with no life.

no they had um crashed airplanes so that's but like what a shitty thing like the world has come to an end and this dude is he's just hoarding it the rest of the world's like there's no kids so he's just like well i'm just going to make sure that no one has any like everyone's just going to die off and there's going to be no water for anyone yeah see that's why the that's why the message doesn't land very well because you have this guy who's delivering like hey we need to you know the

environment died on us because of all the shit we were doing selfishness selfishness and he's got a whole fucking spring of water that he won't share with anybody but so that's the story well then while she's

on the adventure to go figure out how to get into the res um she finally this kid and um post post parents blowing up post parents well yeah well she sees him in back i like how she knew but i like how she knew that he didn't blow up even though there was no proof that the kid left the car before she didn't she didn't she was she was just yelling his name just in case yeah yeah she's like oh where's because she saw the mom's body and then she She looks into the burning van.

That was a wide choice to stick your head into the fire there. And I'm assuming she sees the dad's body. And so, yeah, she goes. You're assuming. Yeah. But so she didn't know he survived. She's just like, I don't see it. I don't see a little six-year-old's body burning right here.

Let me shout his name. Well, they made him hide in a kennel, so he would have been burning up in a kennel anyways. Yeah. Probably wouldn't have seen it. Yeah. But anyways, it's just. Hold on, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. We have to explain the reason they're trying to hide the kid and that Marguerite Moreau is so shocked that she sees a kid is because everybody's barren now. Kids are not born. I don't know if they gave an exact year, but everybody was like it's been a decade since I've seen a kid. So he's the, he's the chosen one. He's the chosen one. He's our Anakin Skywalker. Or like the girl in Waterworld.

Yeah, or Harry Frodo. Good old Frodo. This movie, though. But so I got questions for you, though. I got about True. So she gets her to, she gets her to Joe. But so True is Marguerite's lover, wife. She's also the daughter of the chief of the reservation that has the only water left.

not only that though he's she's also a famous recording artist you caught that right when she when she's walking so she's um it's after it's right after she walks in on the the dirt jousting and they like everybody snickering behind her whatever and she walks away and she goes to like where the the jousters are and she they start talking to her and they're like oh we know you you're key you used to joust right

and they're like they're like oh yeah we love You rode with True, right? I loved True. Her music was great. There's like four people that mentioned her music. And then later on when she's in the car, they're listening to the radio. And the post-apocalyptic radio is playing music for some reason. That threw me off.

I forgot working radio was wild. I understand working radio. You can talk me into them figuring out how to get that to work. But if they had working radio, they're not playing music. I can tell you that. This is strictly a news bulletin service. We're not fucking playing, you know, top 20 hits here. But so they're listening to the radio that's playing music,

and she's like, oh, my dead wife wrote this about me. I forgot about that. I just don't know. That threw me for a loop that she's also a famous recording artist. And then also Marguerite, she, you find out later that at the end is when you kind of find out that her intro were married. They were in love. And she's never met anybody in True's family.

That's why. That's right. Because they didn't think they'd take it well, she said, right? Yeah. Yeah, she says she knew you wouldn't approve, I think. Something like that. Lame. Yeah, but that was confusing the fuck out of me too because I was like,

I was like, she's married to her, but she didn't know any, like she'd never met anybody in her family. And again, they don't really explain that until the end. And so you're like, there's the scene where Nayati shows up. And it's True's brother. And he walks into the room and her and Marguerite is like, who the fuck is this weirdo? Like she had never, like they, you, they don't explain that she'd never met anybody until the very end. So you're like, why doesn't she know these people?

And even the explanation. and the storyline on IMDB is confusing. Oh, yeah. It says rally around gas gasoline gladiators in new and brutal form of drag racing called dirt josts becomes for the people with not much left to live for, but the purse at the end of the race,

these drivers compete to win or die. The only driver to have survived a loss is key, but she lost her freedom and her wife in the process. In order to escape a manslaughter prison sentence, she makes a deal with Gail, the leader of a brutal gang of outlaws, known as the Revelers. Yeah.

So that doesn't make any sense. I think they're blaming her for True's death, and that's why they throw her in jail. But that doesn't make, yeah, it doesn't make any sense. Anyways, it's just,

it was just a poorly executed movie all the way through. It's just, there's nothing else to say about it. I feel everyone did a lot of good tryers for the actors, but, you know, it was just, it was not good. A lot of people were given their all.

A lot of people were also phoning it in. I'm trying to let me go to my notes. I had some. I have in my notes here. That toilet scene was crazy. I just, I just don't why. We don't need the sound effect.

You don't need to play the sound effect. I thought I misheard it at first. I was like, did they just do a diary? What did you think it was? I was like, I literally was like, was that diarrhea?

like and then i was like oh my god it was they made her diarrhea yeah i know poor poor marguerite she didn't deserve that um she deserved better than that she must do a little cash another thing that was throwing me off is the do they they have landlines in this post apocalyptic world here they have landline phones and the gale the the warlord guy the reveler he he's he has like a radio watch walkie-talkie set up and he's calling people's landlines through that did you notice that no that was i was like i was like i don't think that's possible but okay don't know how that works um what else do i oh she kills if we go back to the end she kills chris was that his name the dude uh the neighbor who she she told couldn't ride for him and then um he's like tracking her remember i think his name

Chris I can't remember but he's like following her for oh yeah the tail for gale yeah what's his name I don't think it was Chris I'm gonna call him Chris though Donovan she uh so she she uh she confronts him and he's like I you know I'm trying to save because his wife is sick with the right he's like I'm trying to save my wife and they get into their little fight and she kills she She kills him, right? She kills him while he's, while he's being stabbed to death, she goes, don't worry. You'll see Katie soon.

Katie being his wife. Then she drives to his house and kills his wife. Yeah. I get that they were going for like her putting Katie out of her misery and so she can see her husband. But that was wild for her to kill him and then drive to his house and kill his wife as a wild. Until like go out of her way. for your hero to do that's a wild thing because they they show she she drives to his house they show her walking into the room that katy's in and then quick cut she's outside with two crosses and two graves that she dug so she killed she killed katie and then buried both of them that's so crazy that's so crazy better to put her out of her misery she wouldn't have anyone to take care of her anymore brandon I guess, but it's just a wild.

It's a wild chain of events for your hero to do. It is wild. Anyways. Oh, also the costumes were terrible. Everybody's wearing so many like ragged layers. Did you see every single time? Very steampunk. It was very steampunk.

But did you see every single time that she got in the car, she shut her coat in the door? No. Because her coat was like eight sizes too big. That's funny. The random Asian lady that she picked up to. That's the lady from, that's the henchman from a Gail, Gail's operation, the girl, the girl that he like sells off to be raped. Yeah.

That's her. It's not a random Asian lady. Did you not realize that was her? No, I did, but like, I don't know. You called her a random Asian lady. Well, maybe I didn't realize. I don't know, Brandon. That would be a great.

That would be a great name for your memoir, random Asian movie. That's a good description of me. I don't know, Brandon. It's this movie is just so, I just, the whole time I was watching, I was like, huh, this is a movie, huh?

It is, it is, it is in fact a movie. this is how I'm going to spend almost two hours of my quality alone time hour and 42 minutes is the runtime I have it felt twice as long it's there is 40 an hour no I'd say 42 minutes too long you could have made what you needed to with this cast in an hour oh yeah we could have trimmed so much fat there's so there's that's that's the thing like it's so long but they don't like they just don't like you said it's poorly executed in every way because it's so long but also not long enough because they don't explain anything and then like yeah but yeah we could it's not dialogue it's monologue is how i feel like it's everyone is monologuing instead of dialogueing so it just takes forever well yeah and there's a ton of conversations in quotation marks that are happening that are just exposition dumps like the the scene at the bar with the cowboy dude and it's just him talking for 10 minutes about how Brand got drunk and killed his wife.

Yeah. And that's why the son hates him. But it was, yeah, it was a crazy, it was a crazy long conversation that could have been, you know, we could have trimmed a good, we could have trimmed half of it and been fine. Could have cut the whole thing, honestly. That's, well, that's my thing. It's like, what's the point of that? well they were just they were trying to explain why the

the son hates him because at that point you realize it's his it's the guy's son yeah um because like the first half of the movie they again they don't tell you anything so the first half of the movie you're like this guy just hates the resurrection guy he fucking hates him yeah and then you're like oh he hates him because it's his dad that killed his mom okay makes sense you know but yeah it's it was it was they just don't they don't explain anything and you can i know for a fact you know all the the um narration from graham green like at the

the beginning and then he pops back up in the middle too to do more i guarantee you all of that was recorded afterwards because in the test screening they showed that somebody was like i have no idea what the fuck's going on can anybody explain anything to me and they're like oh i got the perfect idea we'll have graham do some exposition narration but then what he says doesn't make any goddamn sense either it's and i i don't know it was just it it was a like it's the whole time i watched it i was like it it's a made for roku tv movie i i'm i was more just excited that they're making terrible movies again for no reason yeah they need it needs to be i don't know i i wish it was better i wish it i wish it was either uh a million times

better or just a tad bit worse to where to where like it would fall into like it's funny yeah to where it's like at least kind of enjoyable to watch even though it's terrible but this was just this was this was like um um

like game changers and buddy games which it's just it's just it's just real bad and then you can tell they're like halfway trying to make it good and like I just I just I think I was talking to you this right before we hit record this is one of those movies like we said this is a tax break movie I for the life of me cannot imagine a single person during the filming of this movie was like this is going to be good you can you can you can

kind of tell with some of the performances that people are mailing it in so I imagine they were they got they got to set and they were like oh no this is oh no like oh crap I may be what did What did I sign up for? Oh, fuck. Maybe. Maybe didn't, did agent maybe fuck this one up? Yeah. Yeah.

Firing that agency. You have to fire your agent if you're in this movie for real and not as just like, hey, we need cash quake. Yeah. Yeah. If you, if you, if you chose this over something else, yeah, fire that agent. It's rough. anyways i don't have too much else to say because it was just so bad it's a it's a 4.1 4.1 out of 10 on um iMdb and that's pretty generous i saw a review that said it was good i saw two reviews that said

it was good and i was like what the that's terrible those people maybe have never seen movies before Yeah, it's Yeah It can be it though That's like the first time ever Watching movies and they're like God Marguerite Moreau I was I was fucking pumped for

Marguerite I was like Because like even Like love always Santa Not a great movie But she crushed it and it was it was It was bad but also fun Right And then same with

what was the lifetime movie ex-wife killer right the lifetime movie we did with her that movie that movie was dog shit but it was fun you know it was fun this is not fun this is a real fucking snoozer real sneezer yeah I mean this is the first time I've had to be annoyed with you for wasting in almost two hours of my life something so dumb the first you've complained before remember you complained most times I said it's the first time in a while. Oh, okay. I was going to say, I forget what stretch we were in where you were fucking. It was just about out.

Yeah. He was just making me watch the worst movies ever, Brandon. I don't even remember what stretch that was in. But,

uh, because we've done some solid movies, you know? Yeah. Oh, no, I found,

yeah, I found the, the, the, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This,

this, so 4.1 at 10 for IMDB. What's your, uh, do you got a cakey here? He's? You got a cake, a good old cake rating. Maybe, uh, it depends on how honest I am, probably a 1.4 to say, please be. Why would you, why would you lie? Well, just to give Marguerite, uh, you know, a benefit of the doubt. But then you're losing our journalistic integrity. That's true. I give it a one point, what did I say, 1.42. 4.2. Okay.

And even that, I would argue, is very generous. That was me being generous. Not as bad as Buddy Games, though, right? That you're negative, I think you give that a negative 5. Buddy games is the worst thing I've ever watched in my life. And the second one was even worse. I hated them both. I thought the first one was way, way worse.

The second one, at least they tried to have a little more fun with it. um is the second one is the one with the uh or is that the first one now i'm mixing them up oh no the first one is the first one the one with the uh the bigger the chalupa whatever is that the first one you know i'm talking about you love chirovus brandon damn it that's all right what's what was your rating we're moving on looking back i did i did give buddy games one slightly higher already than buddy games see buddy Because Buddy Games, too, is when they do the spring break, right? That one was terrible.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. So you, okay, so you give it a 1.42. Better than Buddy Games. I'm going to give it also slightly better than Buddy Games, but I'm going to give it a 1-1, 1.1. It is, it is rough. It is technically a movie.

You were right on that, but it is tough to watch. it yeah it's it is just a straight up bad movie it has little to know upside at all like there's no saving grace anywhere are you a big bad max guy do you have you've seen mad max right yeah it's not bad it's not necessarily my stees you know like they're good i like them i'll watch them if they're on that i don't mind the one with gregg hardy or not greg hardy tom hardy i say fury road that's my favorite too that's a that's a great movie if you if you want this vibe go watch mad max either the originals from the 80s because those are like can't be stupid funny um kind of stuff but mad max fury road with shirley steran and uh gray guardy tom artie

that's a great movie yeah and that that that's the the vibe if you if you're going for this kind of vibe but you want it to be good. Mad Max Feeder Road or just the originals to you. Yeah, because this one's just the worst possible version of that you could get. It's a soulless rip-off and I know

when I call it a rip-off because Mad Max obviously does not have a monopoly on post-apocalyptic or even like desert post-apocalyptic genre you know, that kind of stuff. It doesn't have a monopoly so you can do a movie

in that vein without ripping Mad Max off. This rips Mad Max off. It's very clear. The dirt jousting is unbelievably a rip-off. It's just, it's a soulless rip-off

of Mad Max. Just go watch Mad Max. Yeah. Or, yeah, it's a much better watch, much more worth your time. And then, you know, have a good time. What did, uh, did you watch this with Kelly?

What did you think? No. Of course not. What about the baby? The baby, two thumbs up from the baby? No, the baby watched a little bit of maximum over drive with me. Hell yeah, dude. But yeah.

I think we can end it there. I got nothing else to, I'm trying to think. I'm looking back at my notes. We talked about the outfits. Her shutting her coat in the door over and over again giving me at least a little chuckle. The toilet scene, crazy. crazy. I can't emphasize that enough. What a wild choice to put the sound effect in. I think that's the highlight of the movie for me.

See, that was another thing. Like, I didn't understand the tone this movie was going for. Especially with like costumes and set decorations. There's like, like 85% of the set decorations and the costumes are like ripping off Mad Max. It's going into Mad Max territory. It's going for that desert vibe. And then it would like the scenes where they're in the motel, her and the kid, that motel, that looks like a 1990s motel. Like that that motel doesn't fit in with the rest of the movie. It's like it's not it's not the same style of like desert post-apocalyptic stuff.

It's just a it's a normal 90s motel room. I forgot about the hotel. They're just. staying at a hotel. Well, like, pink is the pink walls. And like, this doesn't fit the vibe at all. I don't, the tone, both in, in, like, general vibe as well as storyline, I couldn't follow. It made no sense to me.

It was all over the place. Yeah. Anyways. Well, do yourselves a favor. Don't watch it unless you're a big Marguerite Moreau fan, then watch it because she's, you know, an action hero. Kind of. Yeah. Yeah, she's an action star.

It was very, uh, the fight, also the fight scenes were very John Wick-ish. They definitely ripped that style off. Yeah. Um, they're just ripping off everybody. But poor Marguerite. I was pumped when it was here. I was like, and she, I mean, she gave it her all. She tried.

God bless her. God bless. This, I don't know. I got nothing brand. And this movie is scared. He didn't even. You didn't even muster God bless the USA. I didn't know if that was going to play.

I guess we could bless the USA.