The Cake Eaters - 144. The Three Musketeers

Episode Date: September 8, 2026

All for one and one for all! Heath and Brandon talk through the 2011 classic The Three Musketeers. The boys discuss the difference between musketeers and cavaliers, how charming Orlando Bloom is, Brandon's hate for James Corden, baby fight clubs, and how hard they tried to makes this movie into a franchise.Follow us on Instagram @thecakeeaterspodEmail us at [e-mail]

It's not worth winning if you can't win it! Damn, this song has Brian Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting all for love. How does this song not have a longer sting power? I mean, I love Brian Adams, but his, once the 2000s hit, he kind of, his stuff kind of faded away. Although, I do think, was he the one who did the soundtrack for Spirit? Yeah, we talked about this, yeah. I think that's him. That's a great fucking soundtrack.

That's up there with Tarzan, dude. All right, ready? Go for it. I'll be the one that protects you from the wind and the rain, from the herd and the pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I want it all for love and all for love That's the only part I know

Because I want it I'm for one and I'm for love Not bad Yeah Not bad Because like there's like a cool part where it's like I want it And then like someone else is like

I'm for love You know Rod Stewart is Rod Stewart is Rod Stewarting and Sting is in there, stinging him. My God. Ding it. Unbelievable. This is the kick years podcast, everybody. I'm Brendan.

That's heath. We are doing the 2011. Yeah, not to be mixed up with the movie that that song was actually for, because I almost did. Yeah. I mean, you cut me off before I could actually say the name of the title. Do you want to say the name of the movie? No, go ahead.

Sorry. We're doing the 2011. three musketeers, not the 1993 and not the, I think the older one was like 1969 or something like that. There was like the dead. Wasn't there a, uh, uh, oh, what's his name? The dude from Waterworld, didn't he do one too? A dude from Waterworld.

Yeah. Kevin Costner. Wasn't there Kevin Costner? You're thinking of Robin Hood. Robin Hood. Shit. Okay. Which is also another Brian Adams soundtrack.

That's, okay. That's where. My brain was headed. Okay. Anyways, keep going. Proceed. I mean,

that was pretty, we're doing three musketeers. 2011, uh, not star started cast again. I was surprised by the cast and it's like, geez, Louise,

who isn't in this terrible movie? But it's, this is, it's not a good movie. They were trying their goddamn hardest to make this a thing. Too hard. Too, way too hard.

They really wanted this. Like you said this offline and I think it's the most accurate description. They wanted this to be pirate. it's at the Caribbean. They even brought in freaking Orlando Bloom for it. They wanted it to be that so hard. But my God,

and the audacity of these people to tee up this movie like it's going to be a franchise. Oh, Lord have mercy, Brandon. I couldn't believe the audacity of them to think this movie was good enough to continue on. My word. It was just terrible.

I mean, terrible. It has all of the components. It has the cast. Like he said, Orlando Broome, Christoph Waltz, Matt Mekyllis. What's his name? Tom Wamskam from Succession. Milo Jovovich from Resident Evil.

Yeah, Meela Joveitch, Matthew McFadden. That's who plays Athos. He was the main guy in Pride and Prejudice, which came out just before this, I believe. And then you never watched Succession, did you? No. He plays, it's Tom Whamscam in Succession. Yeah. freaking Percy Jackson

I don't like I don't like Logan Urban I don't care for him Well he did a terrible job in this movie We know and again another talked about offline thing His old English phrasings made him sound like he was the dumbest person in the movie Yeah His his um

accent work and his hair Were rough Everybody's hair in this movie was rough actually everybody everybody was Rocking the worst haircut The I don't know why it made me. It was the only part in this movie that made me laugh. But Orlando Bloom trolling the silly king kid with the fashion colors cracked me up.

That got me. So, but like I've seen this movie before. I don't know when, where, why, how? Like, halfway through this movie, I was like, I've seen this. Like, I don't know why I've seen this. And I feel like I either stopped watching it or, like, like, you know just zoned out halfway through and then finished it and then just didn't remember but i remembered like the first half of this movie so i wonder if i just either stopped watching it or

zoned out and started doing other stuff at the same time but i watched this like when it came out i never watched it i do i do remember seeing it was on hbo or something probably i do remember seeing a ton of um ads and commercials and stuff for it because like i said they they tried their goddamn hardest to make this a thing they wanted it so bad brand they did they wanted it so bad yeah between setting up the sequel they also they not only were they always they set up the sequel at the end it felt like every every conversation that happened in the movie they were trying for a good one-liner you know they were like oh this this is going to be the this is going to be the thing the the quote they

always talk about you know they kept going for one-liners like they have the at the beginning when they they tried so freaking hard it was crazy we keep going sorry you just

sorry so bad for Kelly does she ever get a word in she can tell him when I'm jazzed up and she usually makes me go

someplace else just winds you up and let you weigh yourself out yeah she's like oh did it's

Excuse me. She'll either like let me take the baby and burn out our energy together or go someplace else and burn out the energy and not. But like I see, there's so many, we're trying for so many one liners. There's the one at the beginning where Porthos is like, oh, you didn't catch me. I caught you. There's the scene with his dad where his dad's like a real musketeers weapon is in your heart. And then the dad, the dad was just nonstop catchphrasing. He said that. Then he said,

he was like, I have one last piece of advice for you. Make mistakes. Okay. Go fuck. Go fuck yourself, dude. Everyone needs to calm down. And then D'Artagnan's whole thing,

he said it a couple times in the movie. They were really trying to make this the quote where he said, he's talking to his love interest, Constance, and she's like, are you always this, are you always this cocky and arrogant? And he goes,

only on Tuesdays. Only on Tuesdays or when there's beautiful women involved and he says that multiple times in the movie it's a terrible quote terrible quote oh I did not put who Luke Evans was together when we were talking about the hobbit stuff that was offline too that's finally clicking he's um did you barred he's he's barred barred there I couldn't remember I couldn't remember his name when we were talking about maybe if you weren't so stupid in new year Tolkien lore I wouldn't have gotten so confused brand then never never once press myself as a Tolkien James

I don't know what you're talking about Um Anyways I was I was gonna say something before you started rambling Um What was I gonna say Saying they don't pray for you Is that what you're gonna say

I would I would never say a prayer for you Really? Never did Never Why is that? We should unpack that I'm like I'm the opposite of Luke Evans in this movie.

I'm not I'm not praying for anybody. Did you like the did you like this introduction scene? Another one that didn't start like I don't think you didn't like wait wait you didn't like Luke Evans introduction scene where I loved it actually like where he bangs the bings the lady. Yeah this whole like this was so cheesy. Did you catch? Did you did you catch what the because he the dude that she's with on the what are

this things called the boats? Oh, the, not the, oh, I know. Oh, damn it's on the tip of my tongue. I know. It's like death machine or some shit like that. Well, no, that's the big boat. I'm talking about the, at the beginning of the movie on the river, the little boats on the river. Oh, the gondolas?

Gondolas, thank you. I know what the fucking war machine's called. He's a goddamn war machine. That's a, they called it a war machine. But on that opening scene, when he's waiting on the bridge. what's his name Athos? I again I I don't know much

no Athos is the main guy he is Aramis I don't know I don't know much about musketeers I don't know yeah I don't know much about the musketeer lore you know like their individual name we all know them as the collective musketeers does anyone actually like you walk up to someone

side of the road and are like hey name the three musketeers and they're like get the fuck out of my face I'm on the side of the road they would be able to name for you. We're just... Yeah, right. No way. No way. What percentage of the population do you think knows the names of the Three Musketeers? I bet it's four percent of the population, maybe ten. I don't know. Are recounting your nerd-ass little babies in us? Wow. Wow. Dude, your baby is. That's... Well, because the baby's not going to know. Dude, you are so babiest. But anyway, so, but the books, the books are incredibly

they're widely popular and oh they are yeah why would they make a movie about a book that nobody ever read he's um i didn't i mean like i didn't know if they held up these days these these these aren't it's a guarantee you it is there's multiple books there's like it's a whole series um but and it's these four these four are the main the being characters main dudes yeah um but i was going to say when he's standing on top of the bridge um um um Aramis is and he jumps onto that boat. Did you catch, because he's trying to steal the key from the guy that that's with the lady on the boat. Did you catch what the guy on the boat says to the lady when they're, because he's trying to like canoodle her.

And he turns to her and he's like trying to kiss her. And he goes, let me, he goes, let me touch your bosoms. That's a direct quote from there. Oh, I forgot about that. And then Aramis jumps down, tries to drown him, grabs the key. and then he tells the lady that he's not a real priest so he can you know he could still bang not a not a not one of those lame ass real priests that's it's probably the best way to to get the ladies driving their Mercedes dude ladies love priests that's for sure that's a

fact that's known dude to see is this is this before or after Resident Evil for Mila Jovovich this is um after the first one but like in the middle of them so they did like the first but before the second but is it is it before the second resident evil right like she's she's resident evil sorry we just said that i meant um bruce willis um fifth element she's fifth element right yeah yeah yeah she's fifth element was like 1997. This is 2011, East. Oh, yeah. There's a whole, this is almost two decades past.

Sorry. But I think it's after, I think it might be after a couple resident evils. It's after the first one for sure, because the first one was like 2003, 2004, somewhere. Yeah. How many Resident Evil did they make? Like six, six or seven? Maybe like three or four? Oh, really? I thought it was way more than that.

But, I mean, the cast in this is crazy. And we haven't even talked about my, my, my heart, we haven't even talked about my least favorite person in the fucking world. Who?

James Gordon. I cannot stand that guy. Oh my God. I literally, I almost turned the movie off when he showed up. I was like, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing it.

So what was the point of his character? Well, maybe it was supposed to be comedy. relief. And at one point, his character's comedy relief in the books. It's a book character. Yeah.

He's like their, he's like their, the butler they make fun of or like they were their right hand guy, you know. And, and I know like you almost are like, geez, they,

like, because they, I feel like there's a way to do it where it wouldn't feel like, the way they did it, it was like, geez, they're just kind of being dicks to this guy. He was,

he was the worst. So then you, like, don't feel bad for him, right? Because it's like, he's kind of the work. so fuck that guy if it was anybody besides james cordon i would feel a little bad but because i hate

james cordon with every fiber of my being i i was like be meaner to him please that's what i'm saying like you almost felt bad for him until you're just like god but he's kind of the word oh the one dude is in the miniature wife movie that was advertised on Peacock for forever. That's the succession, dude. That's Tom Williamscambe. Oh, yeah. You really need to watch succession.

Entourage. Did you ever watch Pride and Prejudice? He's in that team. No, Kelly's watched it a thousand times. She probably loves him then. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I think my biggest pet peeve of this whole movie was Logan Lerman's

just the way. he his cadence he he he I didn't I did not care for his performance at all no that was I I if he would have done a little bit better it may have saved this movie gently like there could have been some saving grace but he just man I don't know what he was going for but he just the way like I said the like cadence and the phrasing drove me nuts yeah I I know I know it's it's a movie so I shouldn't get hung up on stuff like this but the fact that everybody The fact this movie is set in France their famous French soldiers right famous French soldiers and there nobody nobody even tried for even a French accent Everybody was just doing their normal English accents and I was like these guys are French We male scene the only one who has like a little bit of a French attacks it is the dude who plays porthus um what's a what's the guys

ryan stevenson he he had uh hit a little he's in things too oh he's in a bunch of stuff but he had he had a little uh um little french twang to him you know i would have loved for one of the characters to have talked like um what's the skunk on lune tune i feel a pew yeah that would have that would have been amazing that probably that that probably that probably would have up the cakey rating by at least one cake. If someone would have had like a Pepe Lepeu French accent in this movie, like I think that would have been like, oh,

so this movie is awesome. It's what you're saying. Yeah, I would have liked a little more playfulness with the, with the accents because even King Louis, the King of France, he's got like a, he's got like a weird little British accent going.

Christoph Waltz has his German accent while he's playing the, the Italian cardinal and then, uh, like everybody was just doing a, uh, they had a European accent, but it was not, not the right one.

Dude. Their character. Speaking of French accents, you know who has the best French accent and is a duck? Who? Keenan Thompson. Oh yeah. D.

On all that. Yeah. Well, uh, what's, what's, what's that character's name again? Oh,

um, shit. Whenever I'm put on the spot because it's learned French with hold on we got to look it up. Pierre S. Cargo.

There we go. Pierre S. cargo. I can see myself in your panting hose. My toilet is full of sweet tomatoes. Hoorre for the spicy chip monk. Like those are things that he said in French.

on the show oh no the macaroni is infected yeah yeah if we had some pierre escargo or some pepe le pew in there you know let's taking this taking this movie to the stratosphere but it felt a little more authentic absolutely there's nothing more authentic than that pierre escargo but oh there's a couple other things because this is two thousand 2011 like we said they were trying their goddamn hardest to get this going so the budget for this movie i didn't even look at it i assume it's out of this world yeah it's probably a safe this is 75 million uh but but wait yeah 75 million budget so many million i i just i brandon i cannot even begin to tell you like the look of shock that came over my face when i was like oh my god it's orlando bro bloom with a fleet of ships and they cut it that was like they thought this was gonna be a second movie franchise oh they were I couldn't believe it they were baking on at least three at least yeah yeah they were big in on at least three but

the the like I said the bunch it was crazy the but this the CGI is the CGI stuff they use not great like the They had a lot of fake CGI water that was some of the worst I've ever seen. It was so bad. And the cover of the movie, it does not look like Percy Jackson at all. Like I, every time I see the cover of that movie, I'm like, who is that? And then I watched the movie. I'm like, oh, my God, it's Percy Jackson.

That does not look like Percy Jackson. It's the hair. It's the terrible haircut is what it is. It's so bad. It's so bad, dude. Yeah. It's so fucking bad. I didn't hate the movie, though, weirdly.

Like, weirdly, like, I kind of loved Orlando Bloom's character. It was a fun little runoff. I enjoyed it. And who is the, who's, I'm sorry, the people on the internet hate how bad I am with remembering people's names. Christoph Walls, he crushed it. Yeah. As the Cardinal Bad Guy, I thought he did a fantastic job. His little, like, I wish.

war battle scene with like all the different shit that was pretty sick yeah i wish he he did a great performance uh a great job performance wise i wish they would have made his character like actually evil like he's just doing he's trying to seize power but he's doing weird little like hiding necklace tricks and like i would have liked a little more uh like not not to call back to the uh the 19 was 93 with charlie sheen and all that i think it was 93 that movie tim curry opens the movie by killing a dude uh i mean he doesn't actually kill him he has you know his henchmen do it but he like he's like okay go kill we needed i need real stakes i needed christoph waltz to be a little evil or he was just he was just a weird little annoyance cardinal

and then i love i love how he uh he's he's at the beginning of the movie he's playing chess against himself and he he says no nobody was nobody could be nobody could muster off a big enough challenge for me so i just play myself and then later on in the movie it was a great callback later on in the movie um his little henchman guy um is like practice sword fighting by himself and christoph waltz like lays into him and makes fun of him for practicing by himself he's like what kind of you there's uh there's no uh no risk of losing huh when you when you when you practice against yourself you fucking loser and it's like dude you were just playing chess against yourself completely different brand i guess i don't know but the the chess is a battle of the

the mind sword fighting is a battle of the body it's two very different the the incredibly different the fight scenes in this movie were pretty bad though i did have to tell them they were so bad and when they were up on those war machines oh my god that was all just in it was It was bad. This is one of those movies that, like, I think if you watch it and it's like, you're like, oh, my, it's like, were they making a parody of Pirates of the Caribbean, but the Three Musketeers were like, it feels like a parody at some points. It's like they're making a parody of an action movie.

Of like, oh, that's right. Oh, they're being serious. This is a serious action movie. The fight scenes and the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, The wig work, I can't get over the wig work in this movie. The haircuts were just so goddamn bad. And as somebody with terrible hair, I know terrible hair when I could see it. You know, when I see it, I could spot it a mile away.

God, his, now that you, now that you've said it, the D'Artagnan's wig really is rough stuff. It's terrible. And then, um, Athos, um, his, his wigs. I don't know if his is a wig. I assume it's a wig, but his hair is terrible. Luke Evans and Orlando Bloom have serviceable hair because I think that's their natural hair. They're not wearing wigs. And then Porthos, Portos hair looks good because he just, he's got a buzz cut.

So he looks fucking solid. But the rest of the wigs, like Christoph Walt's wig was terrible. The King's haircut was terrible. Yeah, it was, yeah, all of, James Corden hair was the worst. That wig was God awful. but yeah it was the wigs it was the terrible fight scenes the when they were doing one-on-one like sword-fighting scenes those weren't terrible they were they were serviceable but the group scenes like the scene where they kill 40 40 guards though that was awful that fight scene was

terrible brandon these are the the three musketeers they they are musketeering all over for them yeah I speaking it like I speaking like we said earlier I did I don't know anything about the books these be musketeers I also realized when watching this I didn't know shit about actual musketeers so I did I googled that I also googled what's the difference between a musketeer and a cavalier Keith did you know that you know what the differences but no the cavaliers are from Virginia well cavaliers are from England their soldiers in the royalists sorry of me they were horseback

soldiers horseback cavalry soldiers so they were English musketeers are French though musketeers are French and they were similar ish to cavaliers but instead of riding horseback they were more often than not they would dismount from their horse

and then they would use the muskets they would use actual guns whereas cavaliers did not so that was the difference little fun fact for you wow now now that I know what a musketeering a cavalier is I hate the University of Virginia wow loyalists to the crown

bunch of English fucking nerds dude I also hate Cleveland Cleveland's off my list now too there any any kind of cavalier any kind of English scum done with he's done Brandon, that's I think you need to take a deep breath. I'm all in on Xavier now, dude, all in. Okay.

They're the musketeers. I don't know if you knew that. I did not know that. Yeah. Well, no, you do. I knew they were the X-Men. Wow. No.

That's Xavier's school for the gifted intelligence. I'm talking about Xavier University, which I believe is in, which I believe is in Cincinnati, Ohio? if not the suburbs of Cincinnati. Sounds like you're not a true fan. I mean, I knew they were the musketeers. You didn't even know that, did you?

You don't know shit about anything. You didn't even realize Orlando Bloom was in Lord of the Rings. That is not true. I loved. I just said I loved or as he's not, I almost called him D'Artagnan, the Duke of Buckingham. And like I said, his, I don't know why I found it so funny because it was the dumbest part of the movie.

He was cracking me up. fucking with the king and just Orlando bloom throughout this whole movie was just a gem he was he was cracking me up because not only was he was he fucking with the with the king of france king louis uh with like the outfits and like always changing colors and stuff that's fantastic and then he was he was like giving him his clothes he was like you look like a slub here's my clothes you can wear these he's here why don't you keep this hat but he was doing that and then he was also every time he was like oh blue how quaint but every time he was dealing with the musketeers he would and i think i think they did this to like to like you know for exposition to

the audience but every time he was messing with the musketeers he would over explain what was going on like when at the beginning when they when they like poison them or whatever oh my god that was so funny he walks in and he speaks spends a good two minutes being like, oh, you're going to enjoy that toxin, but don't worry, it wasn't in your drink. Here's what I did. I put it on the cup. And then once it touches the liquid, then it activates.

And that's what releases the toxin in your system. And now I'm going to steal your girl and your flint. And it's like, we got that, dude. You didn't need to, you didn't need to explain the whole fucking situation to us. Can I say, I feel like I have to admit this to you and the listeners. there was a split second where I got Luke Evans and Orlando Bloom confused. Yeah, it's because you don't know the Lord of the Ring. You don't know the Hobbit.

You're not a Tolkien guy. Oh, my God. His legolus isn't even in the Hobbit. Yeah, he is. Not the book. He's in, I think, at least two of the three movies. He's in that. Okay.

No, but he's not in the books. Well, how do you? you know you'd never read the books oh my god brandon we are fighting you don't know shit about anything okay but what else him him over explaining everything and then and then so he does that with the drink and then at the end of the that same scene he's walking out with uh milady and he's talking to her and he's like oh my god you uh told him you loved him right before he betrayed him that's hilarious that's that's that's that's terrible even for me and it's like again we got that you don't need to re-explain it to us I loved it I got a kick out of it because it because it would have been weird

for him just to do it one time but he legitimately does every scene he's in he over explains everything and it became a good bit yeah yeah it was a bit yeah it's a good bit I don't I don't know if that's good because like I said I don't know anything about the books I don't know if that's like a callback if that's what he does in the books too where he over explains everything but if he does it's a good bit shout out yeah but then him and is him and is all his war his war machines and milady did was loyal to no one in this yeah well that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's a she's a she's a she's a one for one and one for me kind of lady you know yeah she's she's she's she does not embody that three musketeerness well i mean yeah she wasn't she was never

i don't think she was ever officially a musketeer i don't think they let ladies be musketeers yeah well and then maybe that's why she betrayed him she was tired of their sexist ways probably you know she wants to muskidoo and they wanted to muskid don't yeah she must muskadood right over to buckingham Then she betrayed him. Yeah. And getting, getting set up with a Cardinal, Cray. Oh, the other thing, so the other thing I wanted to talk about,

there's the terrible CGI, especially in the water scenes. They also, they, they hit the, the slow-mo so often in this movie. There's so many scenes where they go slow-mo. and a lot of times you go slow in order for yeah usually when you go into slow motion you can still kind of tell that people are going fast in these slow motion scenes it made them I feel like they tried to go slow mo because they were like oh these guys these people can't run that fast these action scenes are going to look real lame so what if we slow mo it that way even though they're going slow. It'll, it'll work, right? It'll look like normal. But

every time they were in slow-mo, I was like, these guys, are these guys running in molasses? What are we doing here? They looked, everybody in this movie looked so unathletic. The summary on IMDB is actually the perfect description. Like the way it's summarized with the viewers say it's spectacular visuals with gorgeous production design, well choreographed action sequences impressive special effects that create entertaining swashbuckling fun so that's the nice part however is it swash buckling that's what it says what's the definition of swashbuckling well they were swash buckling on those airboats I said don't you have to be out at sea to be swash buckling I mean they were swashing the buckles pretty hard oh no I'm wrong swash buckling just means engaging in bold flamboyant and excited inventors so yeah you don't need water my dad my dad so they were swashlin swashing the buckles super hard they was swashlin swash line um but it says it it suffers from a severely criticized script plagued by logic defying plots and horrible dialogue one-dimensional characters lacking depth

and excessive implausibility with physics defying sequences yep that's spot on that's fucking spot on dude Yeah. Oh, the, the dude who directed this, um, didn't direct anything after? No, Paul W. San, Paul W.S. Anderson. He, uh, he was the writer for, um, most of the Resident Evil movies. Oh. Didn't do well here.

I think he directed. Yeah, he wrote and directed a lot of the Resident Evil movies. He did fine on those. Those movies aren't, they're, they're not something that I like seek out. but they're not bad that's where you get the the meal a jovovich is a jovich or jovitch i don't know probably jovovich it's probably jovovich but i just sound like in like a dumb idiot yeah you're like the the when you when you take your your mom well not my mom but when you take your mom to a mexican restaurant she starts speaking in a spanish accent or a mexican accent you're like come on mom or the opposite It's like, I'll take, I'll take the Fagitas polo.

Is that Mama Dee? Is she a Fagitas lady? No. Fagida. No. Mama D and the Fagitis. Oh, my God. You're the worst.

Cool. Well, yeah, I didn't have too much to say about this movie. Like you said, it's not good. I think we, I think we buried the lead here, Heath. What's that? Oh, who are the ducks in it? Yeah, we got just one duck this time. Single ducked.

Um, did you catch who it was? Of course that. I think I even told you who it was when I said, when I suggested the movies. So. Okay. I'm going to break this down for you. Okay. So you have the Christoph Waltz, right?

The Cardinal, right? Yeah. He's like the main advisor to the king trying to seize power. He's the main bad guy, right? Yeah. And he's advising the advisors. Well, he's advising the king. Yeah.

He's advised, given advice. Yeah, but he's not, you said advising the advisors. Yeah, couldn't be doing anything at this point. But so hit him? So there's him, right? Kristophe, the Cardinal. Underneath the Cardinal, right, is Mad Michelson's character. What was his name?

Rochefort, the guy with the eye patch, right? He's the main henchman. Underneath Rochefort was the guy, the blonde guy, right? And remember the big scene where they're fighting 40 people? he it's the blog guy who logan lerman keeps fighting right juice jusack is his name okay do you know do you any idea who that is no no but i thought you were just talking shit when you call me a juice sack

no i didn't call you ju-sac i said the dude's name is ju-sac oh okay gotcha the character's name ju-sick jusac or however you say it it's french nobody cares you didn't recognize that dude you didn't recognize wolf the dentist Stanson that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's car that's carst nor guard dude that's wolf the dentist stance I just I feel like you're making this up like he's not even in the credits is he yes he is unaccredited no he's he's he's in the majority of the movie I didn't see it I I'm pretty sure in this the batch of

movies we did today. I told you exactly why we're doing it and who is who is the Ducks connection. I do that most of the time and you just don't know nothing right right right in one of year out the other. Dude, I've never heard anything more made up in my whole life. I thought you were a true, uh,

Wolf the Dentist Stanson fan, but apparently you don't apparently you hate the guy. You're going down Bombay. Karsten Norgaard, dude. Uh, is he Danish? He's Danish. Yeah, Danish.

The most famous, maybe the most famous Danish person ever. Oh, wow. How many other Danish? How many other Danish people you do now? Hundreds. Let's Google famous Danish people. Oh, Hans Christian Anderson. That's a fuck.

That's a dude. That's a hack, dude. What? Oh, my God. He's no, the wolf. That's for sure, dude. No wolf, the dentist. Oh, Mads Mikulsin is Danish, too.

Interesting. Oh, the dude who plays Jamie Lannister, he's Danish. Oh, okay. I mean, they're, you know, solid people, but no, no, Wolf the Dentist, Stanson, that's for sure. You're going down, Bombay. I think Wolf, we've talked about this a lot during D2.

I fucking love Wolf the Dentist Stanson. It might be, he might be one of my favorite, like, movie characters of all time. He got a tiny bit to kind of and terrorizing Bombay instead of off the ice instead of feeding him on the ice. He let the ego take over, absolutely. Nobody's perfect, though. You know, that's perfect. Yeah, sure.

It's probably a good lesson you to teach you your baby, you know. Yeah. Instead of coddling and raising a risin a softie. Oh, my God. You, she's going to be probably the queen of America. Okay. Not if you keep raising her as a softie, dude. You're going to start pushing her down when she,

when she stands up, teach her to get back up. She is going to absolutely make sure that you are the, I feel like you, she didn't take you down. This used to be a corner, a cornerstone of our podcast is Braddon's parenting quarter and I feel like you haven't used my advice once. It's because it's not good advice. That's never. I mean, says the dude raising a softie.

Anyone in this entire universe that would take your planning, your parenting advice needs like a wellness check? Remember when we had our dear, dear friend Mark Chavez on the podcast? And he had just had a baby, a newborn baby at that point. point to you. And he took my advice and I guarantee you that baby is thriving right now. He's looking back and he's like, wow, I've never looked more stupid, stupider, if you will, in my life than when I listen to that hacks advice and parents. I guarantee you his baby would beat the crap out of your baby.

No way, dude. Noel is a savage. She would just, dude, she'd take him out. one two punch give them the old one two one two punch maybe a roundhouse once you haven't you haven't even taught the baby how to get up how's it going to one two punch oh you have no idea how high we can fly right I don't know I'm taking I'm taking the chat as baby over yours dude you don't get it I'll put I'll put 250 bucks on it wow it's a bold bet bold statement baby fight club let's get started isn't that South Park episode where Carmen does

I think he I think Cartman does like a baby fight club smart man oh my god anyway there's one thing I know about this there's one thing I know about Cartman

dude's a genius he's a smart man not okay did you have any other points I think um I said like we said they were really fucking trying for this to be to be a thing yeah I mean my

the highlight for me was Orlando Bloom and then the second highlight was how hard I laughed when I realized that they were teeing this up for a movie franchise. Like that's the hardest I've laughed at a movie in a while. I was like, oh my God, they're not joking. They really thought that this is going to be a thing. Wow. Wow. I've seen I've seen worse things become a franchise. You know, I guess.

I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, but yeah, they were really, they were really fucking trying. They were, yeah, they gave it through all. I'll give them that. They, they tried. They gave it through all. It's like I said, I wasn't like, it wasn't so bad that I was like, what's Jesus? This is the worst thing I've ever seen. It did. It was another one of those where it was just long enough that at about the hour mark, I was like, you know, let's take a, let's take a little break. Let's do something productive with our time for a. second and and then we'll revisit the the ending of this movie and this is another one where

this one for sure I might have mixed this this ending up but like I thought it was over and then all of a sudden Orlando Bloom scoops um resident evil out of the ocean and is taken uh taking her back to attack and that's how it ends I was like I thought this shit was over what uh what studio did this do you do you remember was this like universal was this it wasn't Disney that's for sure I thought it was MGM maybe or maybe I saw that on the other movie it's a oh Constantine cons yeah Constantine film Summit Entertainment Impact Pictures new legacy film yeah but yeah they were so not universal definitely not Disney they were they were definitely trying the goddamn hardest though yeah they teat they

they they teat it up as as obviously as they could but it didn't click it's like with um did not click well universal studios and um they're like monster universe that they've tried to get going like three times and each time it just bombs i went to the um that was that was the only restaurant that was not busy at universal studios so kelly and i got like she got some fries and i got like the the mummy barber we pulled pork sandwiches i don't know like it was it was ridiculous but it was the only one that didn't have like a line out the door and so we're like damn let's just let's just go here let's let's get spooky for a second only time in my life i've ever gotten spooky yeah yeah they've they've

tried to they've tried to boot that into a uh like a marvel cinematic universe kind of thing at least three times and um yeah never took each time although i did love i i have I have a soft spot for Van Helsing with Hugh Jackman. I thought that was a... Oh, I forgot about that. That was at least entertaining. It's not a good movie, but it was entertained. That's another movie that's way too fucking long, though.

That movie was like three hours. It's not the worst, but it's also maybe not the best. Yeah. But it's very similar to this New Mesketeers where, yeah, it's not a good movie, but it had... You could tell they were fucking trying. They were giving it their all, and it had a couple, you know, endearing moments that made it at least watchable. You know, it's watchable.

Yeah. So cakey ratings, he's. How are you feeling? What are you thinking? I like this weirdly. Weirdly, and this is, this makes zero sense. And so don't try to make me justify it too bad. But like, I kind of weirdly liked this movie.

And so I'm going to give it a two. Two cakes. You're getting real stingy with your cakey ratings, I've noticed. You're getting a real stingy. You used to hand out fours every which way. I'm just saying. Standards go up, Brandon. Yeah.

So you're going to, a nice round two is where you're going on. On the button. That's a rookie score. But whatever. Okay. I mean, just. Dave. Maybe you just let me just let me just let me live.

my life Brandon did you ever think about that Dave Portnoy is rolling over in his grave right now why because of your rookie score because it's a two it's a round it's a round number this is a two cake movie he's rolling over in his grave Percy Jackson rolling over in his grave did Percy Jackson will strike you with lightning if you don't cut the shit if if you swap out Percy Jackson and James Gordon for anybody else literally anybody else. Movies pretty awesome. I'm in on this movie.

I'm full in. But those two really fucking drag it down for me. I can't. I think I've underplayed how much I cannot stand, James Gordon. Remember, remember during the World Cup? Remember during the World Cup? Nothing, because he's a fucking hack. Remember during the World Cup when Alexie Lawless made fun of him?

And everybody got mad at Alexi Lawless? I was all in. I was like, yeah, get him, Alexie. Get him. I don't remember that. I mean, you're not a, you're not a soccer guy, you know. Yeah. Well, you're not either brain.

And what's your cakey rating since you're so smart? I'm the biggest, dude, I own stock in Manchester United. I'm the biggest stocker guy in the world. Oh, my God. I had to cancel my Exeter City. I own a team. I had to cancel my Exeter City ownership. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Then it reinvest that into a huge. human child. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like a terrible decision. Oh my God, Brandon.

What is your cakey rating? At least, at least use those funds that you've reinvested into not raising a softie. Don't talk to you anymore. What is your cakey rating? Oh, I was kind of stalling,

you know, I'm trying to think you. Hi. I'm not going to give it a round number because I'm not a rookie. I'm gonna go 3-1 I had a Wow

3-1 I did it's not good but I didn't hate it Wow it was it was semi-enjoyable mainly because of how absurd it was especially Or like I said if if you replace James Gordon and Logan Lerman with anybody else I think it'd be I think you I think you get a sequel picked up because Orlando like you said Orlando Bloom was charming as fuck he was cracking me up left and right

you know and then Luke Evans was cracking me up to the dude who Ray Stevenson the dude who played porthos I was all I was all in on I think if you if you get a different leading man other than Logan Lerman I think you and of course get rid of James Gordon the hack

I think I think you get a sequel I think you get a sequel if you swap out the casting for those two I mean it That's an interesting thought, probably not a terrible take. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, 3-1 is my cakey. Yeah, I think there's there's there they tried.

Worst movies. There's way, they tried their goddamn artist and there is potential here. It just didn't. It just didn't quite land. It didn't click. Yeah, didn't click. And I blame James Gordon.

James Gordon. And in, in general, though, I don't know if it was the right cast of characters. Like I think that the the casting just didn't gel super well. Yeah, yeah. And I think Luke, Orlando Bloom does a great job. Luke Evans does a great job.

Ray Stevenson does a great job. Logan Lerman, I'm out on. And even Michael McFadden, the Pride and Prejudice guy who plays Athos, I love him in succession. I think Tom, his character, Tom in Succession is amazing. In this movie, I wasn't quite feeling it, though. I felt like he was a little too stiff. I need a little more charisma, you know?

Yeah, so all in all, not the worst movie that you've forced me to watch for this podcast. You've loved to every single one of these movies. No, there's been so many that I've hated. You tell me offline every single day how much you love Buddy Games, you know? You're this hate this hater bit that you got going on the podcast It's just a facade Dude It's there's no facade

It's just You know The bigger the fupa of the tastier the chalupa heath right isn't that I guess Brandon I don't think that's quite right but you know what I'm saying Don't talk to you anymore What else do you have to say about the three in musketeers? I don't get anything that you say ever

I don't know if I think we I think I covered everything I just want to read it again how much I hate James Gordon and the bullying was somewhat justified in this movie again if it's anybody other than I agree with you that they the way they wrote it was it just came off like these guys are just being dicks but because James cordon was so unlikable I was like yeah that's fine it's fine yeah it really it really was it was at the first thought was geez why are you being such dicks to this guy and then it was like well because if it's if it's years of this it's it's probably somewhat they're just sick of them because what's what's james cordon's line when they first introduce him and uh porthos is asking him um he's like what are you planchette and he has he goes on for like a minute he's like we

I think he calls himself a tit. Maybe. What is? Oh, yeah. Forthos asks him, he asked Planchette, what are you? And he goes, a complete and utter waste of space, sir.

As much use as a fart in a bottle, sir. In short, a total tit, sir. Well, that's a ridiculous line. Fantastic. But I do agree, James Corden is a total tit. Thank you.