The Cake Eaters - 73. Home Alone

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

On today's special Christmas episode, Heath and Brandon tackle one of the season's most popular movies Home Alone. The boys discuss the five-second cameo from Averman that connects this movie to the Ducks, Brandon terrorizing his family during the holidays, how much they love Catherine O'Hara, the crazy amounts of dairy people were consuming in the 90s, how easy it would have been to commit a crime back in the day, Heath's family solely keeping Schwan's in business, Brandon's desire to become the town's urban legend, and we have the return of Brandon's parenting corner. Follow us at www.thecakeaterspod.com and on Twitter (@thecakeeaters) and Instagram (@thecakeeaterspod) Email us at [e-mail]

What does possible sound like for your business? It's having to spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply. Visit amex.ca slash business platinum. It's not worth winning if you can't win. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas Just like the ones i used to know i didn't put you that you didn't register at all damn it what do you mean like your scream

was non-existent that's the worst because you scream because you're too high pitched girl voice and you clapped in front of the thing too i think that just blew it out for somebody who's been doing a podcast for like what two years now heath you're you know your your knowledge of how sound works is zero yeah done all right let me just redo the kevin part then i don't know i think we just leave that in I think we just roll with it and and you yell at me the whole time. Yeah. Just give the people a little back back behind the scenes peak, you know, behind the curtain.

Whatever, Brandon, you don't know shit about anything. Anyways, Evan. There you go. I heard that one. Catherine O'Hara. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm go. I heard that one. Catherine O'Hara's Kevins are legendary. I know I say this about everybody, but she's a national treasure. She really is. Her accents on Schitt's Creek

is amazing. It's the only reason I watch the show, honestly. I watch it specifically just to listen how she's going to pronounce things kind of like Schmidt with New Girl. It's fantastic. Yeah. Anyways, Brandon, she's amazing. We are here. It is the happy

holidays. We are dreaming about a white Christmas. But why are we doing this wonderful episode about home alone? The intro, if you guys didn't pick up on it because I yelled in a weird way, it was Kevin in the mirror singing lip syncing,

I guess. And then mixed in with Catherine O'Hara is Kevin. Yeah. The scream that nobody heard. But yeah, we're doing home alone around the world brandon we're doing home alone because it's christmas and because there is the slimmest of all connections to the mighty ducks movies and you know what we we love christmas on the podcast like you got a

couple christmas movie connoisseurs over here yes and we've we've we've already tapped out all the ducks christmas movies with uh love always santa yeah and turbulence and so here we are now now we're we're scraping the bottom of the barrel here for for the connections to the mighty ducks here but there is one there is stretches yeah and and it's in it during a fantastic scene so go ahead and brandon tell the viewers why the fuck are we doing home alone and how does it connect with the ducks so for anybody who is not aware uh matt doherty the guy who plays averman less averman in the mighty ducks franchise he is also in home alone he plays stefan mcallister or stefan they never say his name so i'm not exactly sure how he pronounces it but he is uh one of kevin's

cousins i like to think it's steven with the ph what's two it's two f's it's stffan look at that. And he lives in France. So, you know, I don't know how they pronounce it out there. That's true. Those fucking French. But so he's the son of the brother that moves to France that they're all going to visit. And he is in exactly one scene for exactly five seconds, seven seconds, something like that.

He has zero lines. he's just in the background he's shaking a present yep um he's wearing a blue sweater uh hanging out with his mom who is yelling at uncle frank dude uncle frank is a real piece of work in this movie like real cheap ass real like that's the guy that you don't want to have around you can see where where all the kids get their shitty behavior from. Yeah, it's exactly why everyone's a dick. Yeah, yeah. Like, why do you keep bringing your brother around?

Everyone's a dick now. Like, look at Buzz. Buzz has spent way too much time with Uncle Frank. So the one in France, the brother in France is Catherine O'Hara's brother, correct? You know if I remember correctly when she's talking to Joe Pesci while he's dressed as a cop at the beginning she says

I think she says we're going to visit my brother in France I think but who's is Frank her brother as well or is frank the dad's brother i thought frank was the dad's brother that's what i picked up and he's just he's just mooching on a on a trip to france he's like if you guys are gonna be in france i'm coming with you yeah because we gotta spend you gotta spend christmas with family brandon yeah i mean well i assume they have

other family as well besides the the france guy. And this family is way too big in the first place. Stop having fucking kids. There's no reason you should have this many kids. It's a big family. If you have. Did you see the theories that the McAllisters are like an Irish mob in Chicago and that's why they have so much money on the block? Have you seen that theory on reddit no i i mean it doesn't really make sense you would think that's why

he feels sketchy around the cop right away like am i under arrest and then like you never really understand what you know he does and how can they afford a ten thousand dollar trip do you think if he you think if they were the irish mob in chicago that the burglars would know not to hit the house right why would they hit a mob house that's that's a good point that's a that is a good hole to why don't you hop on reddit and really do that for me brandon go argue with some internet trolls for a little bit about home alone that's a that's a great way to spend a saturday all right so let all right so but averman scene and and i love that scene that averman's into and i looked so fucking hard for averman because you told me he was in this movie but you if you blink you'll miss him yeah and so

like i was looking so hard for him the whole movie it was like a game i was playing and i and i missed it the whole time because you didn't tell me where he was in the movie before i watched it i just watched it right um but that was a game i was playing and i didn't win but i love that scene because the mom is yelling at uncle frank's like hey frank the shrimp are for later and he's just he is just pretending like he doesn't hear her from like two feet away yeah well he does that and then at the beginning when they order the pizza he pretends like he doesn't hear her from like two feet away. Yeah. Well, he does that. And then at the beginning, when they order the pizza, he pretends like he doesn't have any money. He's like, oh, travelers checks.

Oh, my God. Uncle Frank is the worst. Look what you did. You little jerk. Who says that to an eight year old? Only a psycho. Only says that. Uncle Frank is is a real piece of work the whole family honestly like the the first the the first little house scene is my favorite chaos

did you have a big family brandon like did you have a lot of like extended cousins and stuff because you know i'm from a small town in the Midwest. We had mom's side with the whole family. Yeah. The whole town, the whole town's your family. Let's we're basically fast and furious and Wayne did. Uh, I mean, I, I, I had a, uh, probably an average size family. So did you experience like Christmas chaos like this?

Well, my family is a million times more well-behaved, so I experienced Christmas bliss with everybody, sitting down, respectful manners. Actually, I take that back. My family's terrible. But it was not nearly this chaotic. Mine wasn't either, but there was still some chaos. I'm like the second youngest.

I think the only one younger than me is my sister. So like I would have been fully, like I would have been a little younger for all that chaos. Like the ones I remember is when everybody else you know he was in high school and a little more um well behaved so like the the it was the early ones were probably this chaotic and i was probably the ringleader of the chaos yeah and you're just maybe a little too little to fully i was a you remember him yeah and i oh i was i was a terrible i was a terrible kid i was always like i was always well behaved at these because you didn't want the wrath of mama d when you got back

home you know oh that's right you know like i didn't i didn't have that kind of structure yeah that's that's it was there was there were i i there was accountability for me from like the age of four you know like it was it was strict accountability for all from like the age of four, you know, like it was, it was strict accountability for all of my actions. And so, you know, that's, that's how you get the wonderful, well-adjusted adult. I'll tell you, uh, I'll tell you this one story of me as a kid, that'll perfectly sum up a, my family and my, uh, me as a kid. So when I was like three or four years old right running around causing trouble i was a big fan of um shoulder punches right oh my god so i'd go up with my little

three-year-old arms and i'd like punch my cousins in the shoulder right just boom and then i'd run away right boom hit and run gone yeah and uh after a while my cousins were like this is so goddamn annoying we got to do something about it so one of my older cousins miles he goes up to my dad i think mile so i'm like four or five at the time three or four something like that miles i want to say is 15 right yeah somewhere in there uh He goes up to my dad, and he's like, Hey, Kirk, your kid's being a piece of shit and punching everybody. Can we wrangle this up? And my dad goes, Just hit him back.

So the next time I go up to Miles, and I hit him in the shoulder, and he winds up and fucking socks me right in the face. Oh, my God. In the face. That's fantastic. Okay. That was the last time I hit anybody. That is a great.

I was expecting like him to wallop your shoulder back. No, he's square in the face. You just said that everyone was well behaved you lied brandon you're a fucking liar i mean in his defense in his defense he let it go on pretty long you know before he before he snapped you know just i was expecting shoulder pop like you know because that's what would have happened in in my family but man the face that's yeah that's it was a honestly it's a very valuable lesson i learned this is the last time i ever hit anybody all right let's see that's that's amazing that's amazing but before we dig into the the movie you

might not have an opinion but are you more home alone one or home alone two so i am going to be completely honest with you i don't remember home alone 2 at all god damn it brandon why what's wrong with you first of all aberman's not in home alone 2 so and well why would you not oh my god okay so i don't think he is i should double check that home alone 2 is amazing the the lost in new york one it's that was came out like right it was like a few years after this one so i was like full cognizance i was in full macaulay culkin mania like you don't get it it was like bieber mania type of thing like he was he was everywhere he was in fucking pepsi commercials and stuff like richie rich do you remember that movie like talk about this this whole movie is a pepsi commercial man when they're

when they're eating the pizza and his uh his his little brother kieran um uh i mean that that's a wild thing too did you ever watch succession no uh well kieran's one of the main guys uh the actors in succession and so to watch watch him uh as like a little kid just chugging Pepsi. Like, hey, hey, Fuller. And then he gives that little sly. Lay off the Pepsi. That sly-ass grin. He's like, I'm going to pee all over everyone, dude.

All right. So let's dig into the movie because this is great. So anyways, I go back and forth between Home Alone 1 and Home Alone 2 being my favorite. Home Alone 2 has like the talkback, the the the walkman talk boy remember those oh yeah i'm saying it wrong but those that's why i love that one but this movie is amazing uh my mom hates this movie because it was just one of those movies as a kid if it it was on all the time you know it wasn't always and if it was on it was on you know the tv and it was getting played and we've recorded it on vhs and i watched it all the time so mama d hates it she's over it she just hates it because she's seen it

too much oh she's seen it too much the kids brat you know physical how does she how does she feel about dennis the menace she big dennis the menace fan no brat yeah that makes sense that's real shithead kids all right so we we come into a beautiful introduction into the movie we see this amazing gorgeous house in chicago house is fucking insane john hughes like chicago suburb and his finest right right john hughes and yeah writer and director did he do that the director was that one guy that does a lot of kids movies it's christopher columbus i knew it was like a name that was like although he just goes director name okay yeah which is understandable what's the what's the song christopher ocean blue in 1492 do you remember that do you remember that like song yeah the nina then

the pinta and santa marina i don't know dude i got the the santa maria the i think it's the penta and the nina yeah yeah that's right i don't know but like if your last name is columbus why why would you name your kid chris it's an american hero back in the day not anymore but and back in the day that's why you don't you don't why you don't name kids after people You don't name shit after people You mean like the genius parents That named their daughters Daenerys That's a clever name

Turned out to be a cold-blooded killer Okay, we're gonna get into this again She was always a cold-blooded killer I know, Brandon I'm just saying that it was much more subtle before And people are stupid Honestly, I'm not saying that it was much more subtle before and people are stupid honestly honestly i'm not convinced that those people didn't deserve it the also wait hold on can we talk about the intro to this movie too of the cop just sitting in the doorway like someone

i wrote that i was like joe pesci just walked in and just sat just sat in the middle of the doorway for for an hour was he there for an hour? So I'm assuming that a kid answered the door. Cause that's what kids do, right? Like they go and answer the door and it's a cop and he's like, Oh, can I come in? They're like, sure. And then they would like run off. Cause that was a vibe I was getting. Well, when he was asking them questions and they would just,

that was my favorite. No, my parents, I don't live here. Zero, zero self-awareness from everybody in the room like like let's let's pay there's a there's a stranger in the house again this is like fucking 90s bullshit where everybody just trusted everybody yeah you just you deserve you deserve to get murdered you deserve it well you let cops in they're untrustworthy my i love the sword fight between the brothers on on the stairs too as i was going by too that was did you ever have like toy swords and stuff very 90s i just uh i just had a uh a lightsaber battle with my buddy's kid the other day crushed him he fucked him up oh yeah that's. That's Order 66, right?

Exactly. Exactly. Taking out the young ladies. I was the good guy because he won. He was the sin? He's a big Darth Vader guy. So he was like, I'm Darth Vader. So, oh.

Yeah. Hope he's okay. Well, we'll see. We'll give it a couple years see how that turns out the uh oh you know i not to like jump all the way back but katherine o'hara um i watched beetlejuice this year for the first time in forever and i forgot that like she was in it and yeah she's the mom she is so good in that movie too i was like amazing oh i love her anyways um but yeah so i loved this introduction to the it gives the full spectrum of introductions right like to

the family of all the different kids the know-it-all kid like the shitty kids buzz being buzzed uh man uncle frank you know we gotta we gotta talk about well for first off we we have to mention the the kid from pete pete the adventures of pete pete oh yeah the older brother from the adventures he's one of the kids sword fighting yeah um just to point that out and then we also we got to talk about buzz is buzz's room oh we'll get there we're not we're not quite there yet brandon because we got um when we we get i want to talk about them telling the aunt telling kevin that he has to pack his own suitcase like like what is wrong with this family and like why are they treating this little eight-year-old boy who is kind of adorable like like an and like maybe he is an but like you can't expect an eight-year-old

kid to pack his suitcase to france and maybe i don't know that you you can expect him to to get it going right like go get the bag grab some underwear and then i'll meet you i'll meet you in there and we'll make sure everything's in there we'll finish yeah we'll get you your christmas outfit we'll get you your pjs we'll get you your travel clothes like what the fuck is wrong with this family to make him yeah to make him do it by himself and then i love how every other every i told him toilet paper and water yeah but every other kid is like you're gonna pack a suitcase you can't do that you're so stupid yeah and then and then they're like hey guess what you have to share the hide-a-bed with fuller if he drinks anything he's gonna wet the bed oh my god and then yeah

and then we get buzz's room which is amazing with the tarantula he's got it so i wrote it down right i got a whole list right the iced tea poster did you write that down he's got the iced tea poster he's got a life-size jordan cut out but then he also has a huge isaiah thomas poster and that's where i got kind of lost because you can't have isaiah and michael and isaiah You got to pick a side. Yeah. And then he also had a sweet – this is when he's talking to the other – I think it was the Pete and Pete guy about – No, it's the other one. Yeah, he's talking to the other kid about French girls and their armpit hair. Yeah. Which, like, Buzz, it's just a little armpit hair.

Don't be so afraid of it. It's fine, dude. It's fine. Relax. it's just a little armpit hair. Don't be so afraid of it. It's fine, dude. It's fine. Relax. Sniff it a little bit. But behind him is a California girls poster, and it's just a bunch of girls in bikinis, and it says California girls all big.

I thought that was pretty good. And then, not to jump ahead, but I love when fucking Kevin's going through and he finds the photo of his girlfriend. Oh, yeah. Did you? Fun fact about that photo. If you didn't know this, it's actually the it was someone from the movie. It's their kid. It's their son because they felt bad having a girl do it.

So they put their son in a wig and had him take the picture and and i thought that was really nice i always thought it was a girl for the longest time it's like buzz's girlfriend whoa i put in my notes his uh his girlfriend's not not that much of a looker well and when he grabs the playboy and he's like nobody has any clothes on yeah i was like god damn it that's the 90s like did you i was like yeah his girlfriend's not much of a looker like if that's if that's his no offense to the the the boy in a wig but if that's his girlfriend you know armpit hair is the least of his worries that's that's a very good point he's getting he's getting pretty picky for yeah yeah beggars can't be choosers here buzz and and we gotta talk like the the like the youthful

story of old man marley the south bend shovel slayer that was i've got the full i've got the full thing here brandon it's the the South Bend Shovel Slayer. Back in 58, he murdered his family in half the block with a snow shovel. He's been hiding out ever since. There wasn't enough evidence to convict him because they never found the bodies. So he walks up and down, salting the sidewalks. And his garbage can full of salt is where he keeps the victims and the salt turns their bodies to mummies amazing i have in my notes multiple times

that like this is this is who i want to be when i'm older is the is the guy that everyone thinks is a serial killer yeah the the recluse neighbor who like people make up rumors about that i want that's that's my dream dude that's my dream dude we had crazy bud that was on my block his name is crazy but he he had this huge fucking sign on his garage that he would light up and it would say the man with the most toys wins and he would throw like and he would take that was not at all what i thought was gonna be this message but i love it it's amazing yeah dude and it would point to his garage full of like shit you know and he would take like and and we would always walk down his part of the alley because he would take like the fool's gold rocks and he would throw like a whole bunch out there and we would

always go pick them up my mom back he quit going picking up fucking rocks and crazy buds alley yeah when i come in crazy bud dude the man who has the most toys wins i love it yeah dude i love that guy see that's that's the dream dude that's what i want i want to be crazy you would be crazy but of whatever town you have the crazy butt of broomfield yeah um and okay so after the buzz um the buzz scene with his room this is a i gotta shout this out because this is a big mike favorite the drivers always hitting the statue in the front like for some reason my dad every time hitting that statue every time but then beats the guy flying around the corner and then wiping out the statue did you see what the statue was it was just like a weird yeah i think it was just like a like

a like a greek person or something or roman like somebody in a toga right i think that's what it was i don't know is little nero's real little nero's pizza the pizza that they had i meant to google it i forgot are you gonna google it really quick because um their prices weren't bad for you know especially 1990 um 10 pizzas 12 bucks a piece you know 122 50 so it wasn't bad for all those pizzas only getting one cheese pizza for that many kids though that's the dumbest shit i've ever heard and it was like they got like nothing but like olives and shit it's like yeah they got like like why would you get four supreme pizzas with all those kids you get a pepperoni two cheese and keep that shit basic i don't know whatever it's not i don't think it's real i found a facebook uh it looks like some somebody a couple years ago started a pizza place and stole the name

yeah but um they're closed now but yeah it's not a real thing apparently it's a play it's a play on little caesars oh nice that's what i i mean that's what i always thought of but that's that's you can get uh you can get a little nero's pizza hat on amazon for 20 bucks though oh you can get a jacket for 60 dude this jacket looks pretty fucking tight is it like the old school 90s like satin delivery jackets fuck yeah dude that's awesome dude and it's like white with uh with the red with the red and green like italian flag cuffs dude fuck yeah that's that's awesome um but then we know what time it is it's pizza time kevin's like running through waving his hands that's amazing and then as kevin is sauntering into the kitchen we get the mom like this is 90s too telling everyone to drink milk with their pizza way too much way too much dairy it's that's everyone has a stomach ache

the next day at the airport if you're drinking milk with pizza oh gee um although i do understand they're going on a long trip she doesn't want to leave it in the fridge you know i get that but um especially when there's available you're not yeah you're not drinking milk with and then and then to like influence it i blame them there's just 20 fucking cups of milk sitting on the counter anyways i used to be a i used to be a big milk guy when i was growing up my my family my family fell hard and fast for those uh got milk ads man we were pounded milk so i got really lucky um mama d had cows on the farm when they grew up and they did not have the time nor the money to pasteurize and do those types of things. And so my mom grew up drinking raw cow's milk and has lost all taste for it.

I lost all taste for it too. So she never made us do that. Like she never made us like i could i only drank milk with cookies i used to me and my sister used to pound milk man and then like my sister had uh like like a bunch of like stomach issues growing up and then when she was like 16 or 17 somewhere in there she uh like cut back real hard on dairy and like stopped drinking milk was like the big thing and she was like oh my god my stomach is my stomach is so much better i don't i don't feel terrible 25 24 hours a day it's probably all the dairy and i was like you know what that's not

a bad idea so then i stopped drinking it too and i haven't had it in i haven't had a glass of uh of like regular milk i'll do oat milk every once in a while. Like if I'm eating cereal. Sometimes I get spicy and I'll get crazy and I'll do some chocolate milk. See, that was a big thing. That was my thing,

was chocolate milk. Did you have to cut your chocolate milk with white milk? Or were you not poor? No. I used to go to... Did you have to cut your chocolate milk with white milk or were you not poor? No. I don't know. I used to go to – We used to have to cut our chocolate milk with white milk because the chocolate milk was so expensive that it would need to last for a certain amount of time. And so you would fill your glass three-quarters of the way up chocolate milk. And then a quarter of the way up with regular milk.

God. No, I used to, uh, I was a big fan. I used to, uh, skate,

like skateboard a bunch when I was in high school. Um, and we would do it like late at night. Cause, uh, me, me and my buddies, uh,

worked at like a, like the, the mini golf place I was talking about. Um, and so what we we do is after we close that down at like 11 o'clock we would go to the skate park that was like right next door yeah and just skate from like 11 to like 2 a.m i was a big fan of uh you know swinging by the gas station on the way grabbing a little like half gallon of chocolate milk and just pounding

that while i'm skating yeah dude that's i love like like in the morning some donuts and chocolate milk see i i haven't had i haven't had a treat i haven't had chocolate milk i haven't had uh i haven't had that shit in years or regular milk i just do the occasional like if i'm if i'm drinking coffee and i like need some sort of cream or something i'll do oat milk but other than that no more milk because yeah milk is it's just it's not worth it it's uh it will ruin your life yeah um i do want to jump back to the buzz room scene really quick because we missed a key buzz line where kevin is asking buzz if he can sleep on the floor because he doesn't want to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller and get peed on.

Don't want to sleep on the piss bed. No pee pants, but Buzz responds with a gem. He says, I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass. That was a great line.

Fucking Buzz. I mean, but like did you have friends that had older brothers? Because like that's a great dude fucking buzz uh i mean but like did you have friends that had older brothers because like that's not super far off from like our friends older brothers would like and also you know like when i was like 10 11 12 that was the height of the height of the attitude era and so like our brothers's friends we would have like they would like set up wrestling matches between like us as kids it was like fighting i didn't have any friends who had older brothers now i think about it i had uh got my head put in a mailbox once so i was talking yeah i didn't have any friends that had older brothers but like my older cousins

I got like the wrestling matches I remember I they had the same so Miles the one that punched me in the face he had two younger brothers that were older than me so all of them were older than me but they had a trampoline in the backyard

oh nice and we used to do wrestling matches all the time. And I remember one time I came down on the springs and broke a rib. That was rough. Yeah. It was rough. Yeah. I broke a toe on a trampoline once.

You're going to break something. But, yeah, that was the – I didn't have any older friends that had older brothers. The only one – Doug had an older sister. That was the that's the ice skating family oh yeah um but yeah everybody else was the oldest which is weird now that i think about it yeah and like sometimes my friends were the older brother like we used to like i was just talking to my i was for sure the older brother i was for sure buzz i was for sure you know terrorizing my little sister nice you know telling her telling her shit like i i hate you don't grow on my ass stuff like

that yeah yeah yeah it's i mean my sister did a great job of convincing me i was adopted when i was a little kid and like she had the worst part was that she had such good points that like she got in really big trouble because like I didn't look like I mean, you see my family. I'm like huge. And they're like short with brown hair. That reminds me. I was on. I went on a trip. We have like a great aunt that lives in San Francisco.

And me and my sister went to visit her one time for Thanksgiving. Yeah. And she has a she has a crazy nice condo in san francisco but it's like one of the bedrooms has uh it's it's like a i don't know what to call it but it has uh a door on each side so like you can walk straight through um the room you know what i'm talking about yeah and like the light the light switches were in like the perfect spots where like you could like you know you could you could turn a light on and then be on the other side uh like completely away from the light switch in like a second yeah um and so that whole we were there for like like a week and that whole week i was just uh

fucking with my sister i could i i convinced her the the condo was haunted because i was like turning on lights and then i'd be over there and then just doing shit like that like not not knocking on the bathroom door while she's in there and then you know you know acting like i didn't do shit like that um ruined her trip yeah god you're the worst all right so let's jump back to the movie because um speaking of buzz we get kevin saying did anyone order me a plain cheese pizza and buzz says uh yeah but if you want some we're gonna have to barf it up because it's all gone and that's and and this is where i mean in in the family's defense kevin like did you ask for a cheese pizza i don't think you did obviously if they ordered one like that's you're supposed to know to order the littlest one of cheese pizza that's it it's a no-brainer

brandon you gotta you gotta speak up is all i'm saying kevin you can't expect people to just know you gotta if you want if you want something say something that's brandon he's eight years old and a huge family he's got he did say something he's got to learn because they didn't even know who ordered the pizza like the mom was asking did someone order the pizza so how how would they how would they know to get a cheese pizza if they didn't even know who ordered the pizza well either way buzz starts fake barfing all over get give me kevin give me a plate i forgot so like watching this back i was like you know as a kid i didn't pick up that he was fake barfing the first time i watched it i think and i thought he was actually barfing um or that like what did you think he was doing and but like i because i thought that like when

kevin punched him, I thought he went from play barfing to actually barfing, but I don't think he ever actually barfed. But as a kid, I always thought he actually barfed. No, we just spilled a whole gallon of milk. Yeah, and then Kevin wallops him into the milk and Fuller gets stuck in the chair with his glasses. That was so weird.

Passports are covered in fucking milk could you imagine how disgusting those passports are they they put it in the microwave oh my god they would have started on fire and then the passwords would start on fire in the microwave have you ever like heated like microwaved milk like it's not uh it's gross yeah it's not good that's like their passports are gonna stink like rotten milk yeah uh anyways um and that's where we get uncle frank way overreacting look what you did you little jerk well yeah well yeah he they all overreact he calls him a little jerk and, and then the Pete and Pete guy calls them a disease. Yeah, and no one is being like, yo, Uncle Frank, cool it, number one. And then, you're such a disease, Kevin.

Hey, buddy, shut the fuck up. Not your problem. You know, like mom and dad, let's pull the reins on these kids. You can't let them talk to each other like that. No wonder your household is like this. Dude, the amount of like, the amount of therapy these kids are going to need to go through. Just not, not even from this traumatic incident that happens, but just from the way they talk to each other. Yeah.

Just these are not going to be well, you know, developed children. They're going to go out into the real world. They're going to have real self-confidence problems yeah buzz is probably gonna you know get a you know be a cop for police brutality that's what i see in his future he is a it's funny you mentioned that because i before we started recording i told you i watched uh because they did it they made a new sequel to this in 2021 um for disney plus and guess who oh that's right i received to watch those yes who plays a cop in it buzz yeah it's very fitting um very fitting um and i mean the dude's the dude is afraid of armpit hair like come on grow up bro and i this next part when the mom is taking

kevin upstairs she does a terrible job of explaining why he's in trouble and this is uh this is this is a prime it's been a while since we've done this heath but this is a prime example this is a prime instance for brandon's parenting corner on how what not what not to do that's they they send him up to the attic where he's like it's scary it's like fuller will be up in a second he's like he's gonna pee all over me like what the fuck is wrong with you people like fine go sit in this scary attic by yourself i don't know i mean although to be fair like i was a basement kid like i got too big too fast and so big mike like redid the basement really quick like and made it so that i could go be a adolescent disaster down there without doing any real damage and my mom killing me right

um that's what this family needed and that's what that attic space could have been but instead it was just like a terrifying space but anyways yeah it wasn't that scary i mean the the putting him in the attic i don't think was that that's scary dude the attic wasn't there was like it was like it was legit like a bedroom there was toys everywhere dude i don't know as someone who i'm my sister and i will fight my parents to the death like our house on first Street was haunted, man. And like going up and like I could hear people walking above my bedroom all the time in the attic, going down into our basement after dark as a kid. And it was I would like sit at the top of the stairs and I would.

And then I would sprint down, pull up the freezer, grab what I needed real quick close the freezer back up and and it was just a desperate sprint from the basement so i wouldn't get murdered by the demons that lived down there in my the uh the one of the houses we were in growing up um was for sure haunted as well yeah it's like the furnace thing too it's the same thing i don't understand the kid on this i didn't get see i was the opposite so so the basement we had was for sure haunted so we lived there for like like 12 years or so 12 11 years something like that we had we had two different dogs during that time and then we would have like my grandma would bring over her dog and all that kind of stuff not a single dog that ever stepped from that house would go in the basement you couldn't you couldn't get them in the basement um and then that's telling yeah yeah um but i had the opposite

reaction of kevin like when i was down there in the basement the furnace was my my buddy that was it was it was warm it had like a little fire had the light going so even if all the lights were out i was like i could still see a little bit yeah i was like the furnace was my safety net instead of being the thing i was afraid of i was like this thing furnace sends you back she comes to shove i'll throw the demon in the furnace good to go all right let's get back to the movie because we there's so much of this movie to talk about but there's so many amazing side tangents to go on as well um but this is where um but as we close the door on kevin getting put upstairs because like this is what makes it viable

that they forgot about him like this they actually do a pretty good job yeah the pure chaos of everything that's going on um and then you got a fucking bitch ruining the goddamn day right that was the the neighbor kid that showed up oh my god and like and like i it's like i don't know if it maybe it was like wayne thing like that's not a like i'm sure people now be like why was that kid in there like there was always a neighborhood kid in everyone's business you know just like checking shit out i like how he takes a picture uh anyways yeah we yeah we we had that we had multiples of those kids just momming around the neighborhood being like just like sticking their head in your garage what's

going on yeah like hey what are you up to get the out of here bro i want to hang out with you man um yeah so and and this this kevin wishes that his family would disappear and she's like you know it would be real sad if you woke up may say it again maybe it'll come true i never want to see any jerks again she didn't handle that this this was this was a rough rough girl for brandon's parenting corner yeah she's like just just say it again wish will come true and then we see so we see father christmas in Christmas in that wreath, and he's, you know, a storm rolls in, knocks out the power. And as an adult, you can feel like that moment of your alarm didn't go off and it's, it's almost too late. And it like that feeling of panic that they like,

especially for a flight to Paris. And with all those kids in the holidays, like she does such a good job with their Peter. Yeah. We slept in. Oh my God. It was so, and then it's just pure chaos.

And that is why it makes so much sense that they left him. And I feel so bad for the oldest cousin who is going to visit her mom and dad in Paris that does the counting because it's kind of her fault. Oh, it's 100% her fault. You know? And so, but that's where. Well, I don't know about 100%. I don't know about 100 i don't know again why why are we if you're the if you're the parents why are we delegating the head count that should

be true that's a good point that's that's that's not a good delegation but that neighbor kid bugging the van drivers is fantastic too do these vans get good gas smile is this an automatic i don't know kid get out of here the best part is he just kept he would never give them enough time to answer the question before he asked the next one just keep keep on firing oh my god it was just it was it was so good and then yeah i love her she's like you know six kids four adults two drivers in a partridge in pear tree um and then we get the iconic scene in the airport that could never ever in a million years ever happen again but you can still run at the airport well but like you i guess maybe they just have to they'd have to be like okay so we've got two hours left we can still make this flight because 45 minutes that's not a oh no i wrote yeah i wrote

the this i mean i think i mentioned this is before we recorded talk about a pre-9-11 yeah experience yeah they they left with four they left the house with 45 minutes i don't know where what's um suburban part of chicago they're in but to get to like O'Hare is a nightmare. I would imagine it was a nightmare back in the 90s too. So yeah, I would be shocked if they even got to the airport in 45 minutes. That's what I'm saying. They would have to have like completely changed their timeframe. It's just not realistic.

And then, yeah, getting everybody through. And it's an international flight customs yeah it just yeah because and and once again we talked about this a little bit offline but like name a time that you've been less than 30 minutes in customs and it's it's the rarest thing in the world like it's just but i did love that run run rudolph like that's just awesome it's a good scene. And then the scenes of them on the airplane were driving me insane, too, because so they – well, they come up on the gate, and they're like, hey, we're here, we're here. We didn't miss it, right? And she's like, no, no, you're good. They hand her a stack of tickets.

She doesn't look at them at all. She's just like, go ahead. Boom. You got it. Didn't count it. Didn't do anything. Like, nothing. Zero. them at all she's just like go ahead boom you got it didn't count it didn't do anything like nothing zero and then they get it they get into onto the airplane they're in first class

yeah all the kids are in the back these kids are not old enough for you to be doing this i the flight attendants taking coats when did when did that ever happen that was a thing like this was filmed and like yeah like like because i looked this up brandon and it used to be like it wasn't like it was more for like affluent families right but like well it's a first class thing i'm assuming yeah right like it was still the parents would sit in first class and they would put the kids in coach and you back then kids were well behaved enough that it would just need the stewardess gently monitoring the or flight attendant gently monitoring what they were doing you know um but yeah whatever i like the 90s and the 80s

and even going back farther than that like every time i it's just like how did anyone survive how did how didn't everybody not get moved like if you like do you like it must have been just such a um there's a better moral compass in the world i feel like there was absolutely not there was absolutely not a better moral compass there wasn't a worse moral compass but there wasn't a better moral compass it was gently better better than it is now hard hard disagree whatever but to be to be like a a psychotic person in the 80s and 90s with the urge to kill somebody like that's that's your time frame like that that would have been like you know that would have been the the greatest time ever.

Pretty easy breezy. Yeah, you could just abduct anyone. Yeah, no DNA. Nothing like that. Just fucking running. The ongoing joke of Uncle Frank being a cheapskate is my favorite, though. Like him getting on there. Stealing the salt and pepper shakers.

Oh, my God. Oh, this is real silver. Come on, put it in. And then she comes back. It's real crystal. Oh, that's it, this is real silver. Come on, put it in. And then she comes back in. It's real crystal. Oh, that's it. It's real crystal. And then when he I always remember this scene when he's like, nope, filled up.

Filled up. Fucking Uncle Frank. Fucking Uncle Frank. But it goes back. So like, I love this part of the movie too because it goes back and forth between the plane and Kevin waking up and realizing. So I have in my notes here, this is a prime example on why you shouldn't have a big house.

This is a warning call for everybody with their fucking McMansions. And then I also wrote, this movie is a scathing indictment on capitalism, greed, and excess. You would take it there. It is. Every problem that comes up, you can trace back to greed and excess. Why did they leave the kid? Because the house was too big. Why did they have a big house?

Because they couldn't stop fucking and having kids just nothing but greed oh i love when you sprinkle hate all over things is if you have if you have more than three kids you're a fucking idiot okay um i loved kevin coming down from the attic though his bedhead um i really like top notch dude top notch i've never related to something in a movie more in my entire life like that was like if you could cut a headshot of me waking up from eight years old that's it the exact same style of bedhead it just it was oh and i love how he like they show him and he like he goes through his routine he pees goes downstairs turns on i think it's like it's a wonderful life or like the old miracle hunt 30 ford street on like did you guys have the old kitchen box TV too? Oh my god

when we upgraded from just the box to the one with the VCR on it that's a big deal I remember like watching like Bulls games on WGN I remember watching the

Magic play the Pacers in that Eastern Conference Finals when the first year Jordan was out. And the Swansman, I don't know if that's probably, I don't think Swansmen are things anymore. But he literally just hung out with us in our kitchen and finished watching that game because it was so good. Oh, like the food delivery guy? Yeah. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about Swans man yeah you remember that yeah yeah they're still around i see the trucks everyone's all right i i i doubt they're uh sticking around and watching bulls games or basketball games but yeah welcome to nebraska right anyways yeah and he would come over like hey you guys anything oh yeah we got it anyways um

what are you guys ordering from swans so much dude they had all kinds of good frozen like like quick frozen meals because like like this is the times were different in the 90s. Like my sister was four years older than me. And at 10, we were left to our own devices in the house. And like parents had to work and babysitters were expensive. And so very quickly, Heidi was a babysitter and I was a baby. And, you know, we just, we figured it out. And so we would have to make our own meals and like those little like frozen sandwiches and stuff that you could just pop in the microwave were really quick and efficient for me

and Heidi to make. That's fair. That's fair. Yeah. Yeah. And you didn't have to turn on the oven, you know, you just pop those in the microwave.

Oh yeah. They didn't trust you with the oven. No, no. The trust only went so far, but anyways, so it's going back and forth but yeah they're they're um when i love kevin just wandering through the house being like buzz mom dad uncle frank is this a joke

i don't know why that was cracking me up so much then he goes down to the basement and he's like the cars are here he's like what in the to the basement and he's like the cars are here he's like what in the fuck happened and then he's like they did leave they left the garage open yeah which is insane thank god it's a detached garage and then he's like i made my family disappear and it goes through like the the role of everyone being so fucking mean to him and he's like holy shit i made my family disappear and this was my favorite because it's just him doing what kids would do in this moment eating popcorn jumping on the bed making like the biggest ice cream sundae that you've ever fucking seen that's way too much ice cream going to going into buzz's room there's no clothes on any of these people

sickening that made me laugh so much um grabbing the firecrackers the bb gun he steals money from buzz too oh my god that was i also made a note of that right he's like my favorite is that kevin doesn't go to the like parent stash of cash that you know usually you know where there's like a secret stash for emergency he might not have known where that stash was okay but he knew where buzzes were yeah yeah he knew exactly where it was he had some chatter let's go let's go to let's go to buzz um and him shooting the starting lineup figures with the bb gun down the laundry shoe uh that was that was really good the bb gun down the laundry chute uh that was that was really good the thing that was thrown was the laundry chute in the kitchen that's what was throwing me off

i was like that's a weird spot for the laundry chute but who knows laundry chutes everywhere it probably was all i mean that's a huge house it's probably just a chute centrally located i'm hoping they had other access points because otherwise if you got to like maybe their bedroom was above the yeah yeah like that would because i was thinking about like if you're gonna if you have to take the time to walk all the way down to the kitchen to put it in the shoe just walk one more stair go to the well there's probably one upstairs right and then there's probably bedrooms on the lower floor and so it's like each each floor has it essentially there's any bedrooms on the lower floor i think it was all the dining

they gave us a pretty good layout of the house it was like dining room and and uh living room and all that but i i'm saying i'm agreeing with you that the the shoot had to have other access points otherwise it doesn't make any sense from a from a from an engineering from a structural standpoint you know uh dude i i don't know i think that it was amazing can we talk about the can we talk about the wallpaper choices in all these rooms as well no we're not gonna talk the wallpaper Let's talk about the movie. That's not really a movie that is, is so prevalent. That's not, I forget what they call it.

I was, I looked it up and now I forgot, but it was, it's not an actual movie. It's like, no, it's, and I forget what the name of the movie is.

I'm so mad. I didn't write it down, but it's not a real movie. So if you try and find it, you're not going to um but this coming in uh hey it's snakes i got the stuff leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here ac said you got some dope for me is that a fact how much do i owe you are you gonna go through the wire yeah yeah i'm gonna go through that ac says 10 too bad ac ain't in charge no you know what hey guys i'm eating junk and watching

rubbish but before you before you i'm gonna stop you because you don't need to finish the whole thing what you don't need to do the whole thing but this reminded me so i was i was i was re-listening to some of the episodes and then i forget what episode it was but there was one where you were like uh you're like okay but let's let's hurry up and get this over with and i you said that and i looked down at the the uh the bar like the progress bar, and it was halfway through. Like, wait, you're... You're... Our, like, okay, let's hurry up and do this is like, okay, we got another hour. Let's do... You don't need to do...

Everybody knows you don't need to do the whole fucking scene. This is like... I'm gonna give you to the count of ten. This is you singing newsies all over again. This is a self-indulgent this is for nobody but yourself that's okay to get your yellow no good keister off my property one two ten it's just it's so good um the i also really enjoyed the the interaction between the parents as it slowly dawned on them how terrible of parents they are um where they're like oh nope it was the garage doors forgot the

garage doors and just like nah just what else could we be forgetting and that's where we get the iconic um kevin yeah and actually i thought about this too the kevin here is really good but i almost like the kevin better in home alone too because she's in the airport in florida and she says kevin and then she like passes out oh yeah and i think that's fun i like that one a little bit better nothing better than a good good faint and uh when uh macaulay colkin takes the toboggan out the down the stairs out the front door i was thinking to myself why doesn't he just go down like an actual hill he can go outside just go go go you might not have access they used to they used to close off streets um they used to close off streets in Wayne.

Big Mike actually almost got in a fight because a car moved the barricades for the hill that they always closed off and almost hit us. And Big Mike, like, got. It was the first time I've ever seen my dad. He was, like, in the person's face, like, going to fight them for almost killing his kids. It was awesome. But, yeah. Might not have had access to a hill, you know. person's face like gonna fight them for almost killing his kids um it was awesome but yeah might not have had access to a hill you know um and there's a suburban chicago i gotta imagine there's a hill right down the street right and i mean depends how close they were to the city

and i don't know you know it's just um there's still hills in the city. I got to talk about Uncle Frank again because when they're trying to console and he's like, terrible. It's just terrible. If it makes you feel better, I forgot my reading glasses. I don't know why Uncle Frank was the star of the show this time around for me, but that guy being the worst

is a real great storyline that I followed very show this time around for me but that guy being the worst is like a real great storyline that i followed very closely this time around and okay we haven't talked about marv yet either because between the two wet bandits harry and marv marv is my favorite because they're like they could have toys and Harry's like no like jewelry and cash like goddamn it Harry Harry does say something at the very end of that line that I cracked up he's like they could have fine jewelry you know uh cash stacks or whatever and then he ends it with cash hoards and then he ends it with or odd marketable securities are you are you thinking you're gonna find like stock options is that what you're hoping for

fun fact too i gotta know that i got a lot of fun facts for this because i was doing some some research for this before this shockingly i i did a little research before this but i and and i may not be exactly accurate but um i i i did i did a bunch of research it's probably wrong but good good fellas and home alone were the one two punch of this year for joe pesci so he like followed up good fellas with home alone and i think they were really close in the same time frame it was either it i think it might have been like within the same like six months of each other. Like these were released. Yeah, go to the tape wall.

When was Home Alone released? In 1990. I was looking for a month, Heath. One second, let me just get this wrong. Goodfellas was September, the end of September. I'm assuming Home Alone was probably Christmas time, right? That would make the most sense. Yeah.

Yeah, November 16th. So, yeah, two months. Two months apart. Yeah. And what? Talk about, like, some prowess. Joe Pesci. My God. And this is probably not too long after my cousin Vinny, right? Yeah. Talk about some prowess. Joe Pesci, my god.

And this is probably not too long after My Cousin Vinny, right? Because that movie is a classic, too. My Cousin Vinny is 92, so two years after. JFK was 91. Let up in three it was 92 did you this was prime pesci yeah pesci was uh at the peak and on fire was 87 that was a little before but yeah um we gotta talk about like kevin never calling 9-1-1 though like the wet bandits we got up on him we need on him while he's watching the Grinch. So he's watching the Grinch.

He falls asleep. We get introduced to Harry and Marv as the wet bandits. They're walking up on his window, and he just starts flipping on lights and stuff and hides under the bed but does not call 911. In his defense, well, because they left, they ran away, right? They left right away. Yeah, they left right away because they were like, oh shit.

But still, like, you are taught to call 911 right away. But you know, okay, so first of all, they've never taught him a thing in his life. His parents are terrible. Second of all, if he calls the cops,

his weekend's over his his his it's true his they're gonna rain on his parade his home aloneness is over if he calls the cops um and honestly i probably wouldn't have called the cops in that situation well because he thinks his family disappeared too i guess like that's the one thing like he exactly he's like if he calls the cops he's like they're gonna throw me in a orphanage yeah and i'm not gonna live that way you know i hate orphans he's yeah here defend him on that one um but yeah so that i i didn't excuse that the phones we do need to talk about though because i it took them so long to get the phone lines back up took like three days how did he order a pizza

and they called the neighbors they called the neighbors you would think if the phone lines were down it would be more than just one house right oh that's a good point that's a plot hole brandon it's a big old fat plot hole i just uh in my mind did you feel bad for the airport lady in france too where they just fucking ripped the phone out of her hands and oh that was yeah i was like jesus i didn't remember them being that rude to that lady yeah they were super and she that lady that lady didn't speak english she had no idea what's going on i also used to this is i used to quote a lot of really weird things but when kevin would walk out of his house and be like i'm not afraid anymore you hear that i'm not afraid anymore i quoted that a lot as a kid that was a good one i was that was in there a lot and then he immediately gets terrified of old man

Marley did you see back to Marvin and Pesci what was his name Harry Marvin Harry did you see the name of their plumbing company oh I didn't pay attention to it no what was it it's okay

plumbing and heating but like oh dash k-a-y of their plumbing company oh i didn't pay attention to it no what was it it's okay plumbing and heating but like oh dash k-a-y i got a lot more to say about marv he was he was my favorite part about this movie as a kid brickma from rookie of the year yeah yeah this is daniel stern's a national treasure too um wait the the the phone call that she has with the police department is also amazing when she's talking to it's a real quick because it's real quick because they cut away from it pretty quick but when she's talking to the family crisis guy and he's eating a donut and it falls a donut out of his mouth onto the edge of the phone and just just stays there for a good couple of seconds amazing i that is like i that is the one part of this movie that i star and never

forgotten since i was a little child is the weird moment that they just let this as he was eating like it was just a gen you know like it was this unscripted moment in time that made the scene feel so and my favorite was that they keep calling your hyper yeah hey hyper online too i thought that was so good rose hyper online too um and he just jumps in he's like has he been in a violent incident with a family member as he ingested any poisons. Oh. And when she's like, pick up, pick up. Oh, hi, ma'am. It's you. We'll send an officer over to check on your son. And

we gotta talk about this officer doing the least. This goes back to the 90s and it being just like, you know. I just pounded on the door for five minutes and screamed at the kid and it seemed like he was not there. He's eight years old. He's fine.

Yeah. And that's what Buzz says too. We'll get to it later on. He's just like, yeah, that little dweeb can't... He deserves some of this. We definitely got to get to that because his little monologue to his sister is fucking hilarious i what about kevin's monologue to himself in the mirror when he's like for like so there we see her trying to

get back like then this is where the family splits right and we have katherine o'hara's uh the mom's journey back to kevin we got the family in France and we got Kevin's journey being home alone. And we got Kevin go, this is, I thought this was insane. So I'm going to say the whole thing because this, I was like, what the fuck? I took a shower washing every major body part with actual soap, including all my major crevices, including in between my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before, but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine.

I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll grab one when I go out today. Yeah. Whoever wrote that deserves a medal. Do you want to say to everybody out there listening, for the love of God god clean out your belly bun yeah yeah there's you want to you want to talk about weird reddit shit i got went in a like a reddit thread hole one time about how somebody had like i forget what exactly it was

but essentially it was a bunch of people telling stories about how they don't clean their belly buns and like it was the grossest thing i've ever heard in my entire life clean your belly buttons guys it's a how are they i mean i got a lot of questions on their showering technique if they're missing their belly button like i don't know did you just just anyway soap up a finger sticking in there all right god okay this is where we get the first clean your belly button though it's a it's a dark hole where moisture gets trapped you need to clean it the unless it's an audi but you should still clean your audi that's all right so belly button talk aside this is also where we get kevin's first cheek pat with the ah that was fantastic welcome to belly button talk

everybody this is uh the cheek pat with the brute was amazing like did your did your dad use brute my dad did my grandpa did though big my big mike had brute aftershave yeah my grandpa was a was a big brute guy um that's that's true that we were i i i think we talked about this before we started recording that scream though i it's because it's it's been years since i've watched this movie and i always just remember the scream like the scream hands on the cheek thing being like probably in regards to like seeing the burglars or something. I completely forgot that it was the aftershave stuff.

And it's even more ridiculous because he didn't shave. And so it's like... There's no cuts for it to burn. It's not going to burn. So him, that's just... It's him committing to the bit because he

does it twice he does it twice he does it this morning and it does the next morning i feel like the the joke is either one of two things right it's either one that kevin has watched his dad yeah do this so much that he's just he just he just is like this is an adult routine and then you yell afterwards that brings up another question is his dad making that face after and that scream after he puts on aftershave where he's just holding his hands there he's probably just going ah that's i i and when when they because we learn harry and marv learned that kevin is home alone because marv is playing with the toys under the bed and harry's like digging through shit to try

and like get the real stuff and they hear the message from his dad on the machine the robin the whole neighborhoods essentially yeah um and and marv so i wrote this down marv is over there plugging sinks and turning turning them on and they're the wet bandits he's flooding the house that's such a dick fucking move the amount of water damage that that is going to cause is insane didn't you see harry's reactions like you're sick mom you're sick you're sick like because you see the murphy's house like that's ruined yeah like their house is ruined oh yeah that's mold you you have to you have to scrape that build it up build something new that's that's done it's it's i also love we're eating silver

tuna tonight harry fucking lions in this are are And, um, heaven's line in the store when he goes to get his toothbrush and he's like, is this, is this from the, is this approved by the American dental association? I don't know why I always got a really big kick out of that. Cause that's like a weird thing that kids would get hung up on. It's like, Hey, I need a, need a real toothbrush. I had a lot of dentists come into my, my class me i gotta have one approved by the american dental association now that cheap it's uh dental propaganda in schools brandon exactly big dentist man yeah big dentist and this is this is also fantastic because we have a child of eight who is obviously in this store alone being chased down by a cop over a 50-cent toothbrush.

So the South Bend shovel slayer, he comes walking in. Yeah, scares him, spooks him at the register, and he takes off. And then he attacks with the toothbrush. And he accidentally becomes a thief and he feels real bad about it i feel bad for him that was the that was the exact moment where i wrote down in my notes i wish i really want to be this neighbor um because like that's the kind of power that's the power i want to have in the neighborhood was if i walk into a store it clears out you know they're like get the fuck away like i walk into like

the local village inn or the local denny's and everybody's just like time to go guys time to go oh my god and this and this is where um after the scene in the store this is where marv is coming out of he's turning on the water and he's laughing you're skipping the most important part here the most important well the second most important part of. The second most important part of the movie. The most important part of the movie is obviously Averman. The second most important part is he runs out of the store, right? Then the worker

sees a cop and he's like, hey, stop that kid. He's a shoplifter. Then the cop starts chasing him through the park or whatever and they get onto the little ice rink where everybody's skating around and playing hockey. We're in suburban Chicago. suburban chicago i don't granted i don't we don't know what part of suburban chicago but what are the chances that a young dean portman is on that same that very same eyes what if he's one of the hockey players did you see him they were too old everybody was too old?

There were a bunch of kids on there too, Heath. I don't know. I didn't really pay attention to that. You have one job, Heath. That's to always know where Portman is. Okay. So, Brandon, let's think about Dean Portman as a person and then his background. And I'm just going to assume that he was probably not from a family that would

go family skating in the park during christmas no i'm assuming he's there by himself he's doing a little pickup game you know i'm just saying um see um where's morgan park i did i always did love like kevin sliding across the ice and like going in between the dude's legs and stuff that was good stuff I wonder if it's possible to figure out which there's no one in this world that cares about which park that is well I'm just trying to see if we can know what's

what suburb they're in trying to figure that out Winnetka they're in Trying to figure that out Winnetka They're in Winnetka, Illinois Let's see how far away that is from Morgan Park here Oh, it's pretty far away Alright, well, question answered

Winnetka is Right on the lake there Oh Okay, it's real close to O'Hare Airport too is right on the lake there. Oh, okay. It's real close to O'Hare Airport too. All right. So the quick journey to the airport makes sense.

That makes more sense. Let's see. Morgan Park here though. Oh yeah, we're on opposite sides of the city here. That would make sense though because because portman is uh he's in south chicago yeah all right so and uh the the richie rich irish mafia family up here and fucking keikita right on the lake you sons of cake eaters um but this is okay so we get marv going back out and this is where he he talks to he debuts the name and before he debuts the name i always this is insane too he keeps stealing snow globes and taking gum and putting it on the bottom and sticking them to the van.

Did you notice that? Yeah. How else are they going to stay? Oh my god. I don't know. I'm surprised Harry let him do that. It's like, you did it again, didn't you? He's like, what's so funny? Why are you laughing? You did it again, didn't you?

I told you not to do it. He's like, Harry, it's our calling card we're the wet bandits i fucking love barb and this is where they almost hit kevin it's a pretty iconic scene where they're arguing and they're coming down the driveway and then kevin's like ah and they stop and he's like hey you know santa doesn't deliver to roadkill i think he says to kevin oh my god i i love this scene because then he's he like gives sani don't visit the funeral home little boy that's what they say um but so he recognizes especially his little gold tooth yeah and uh

he like freaks out starts walking away and then they do the worst job of following you know they're right behind him right behind him and when he stops they stop and then and do the worst job of following him. They're right behind him. Right behind him. And when he stops, they stop. And then he starts running, and they're like, why is he running? Yeah, the best part is he starts running, and Pesci goes, I think it's Pesci. He turns to Marv, and he goes, you're right, dude. He's hiding something. Why would he run? Why would he run?

Yeah. Why would a kid run? You're driving right behind him in a fucking van dude you almost run him over you say you tell him that sani doesn't visit funeral homes little buddy like that's scary shit for an eight-year-old then you're following him of course he's gonna run oh my god but this is where i love this scene too this is one of my favorites where he runs back into the house and he gets the full set up and we got rocking around

I thought the same thing to have the mannequins having he's pulling the strings at the dinner table we got the mannequin on the record player the MJ cut out on the train legendary legendary stuff

where the fuck did you get all these mannequins oh and we've we've he hides from them at the church and in the nativity scene yeah to get away and then they circle back and that's when the house is popping yeah um and then and then this is where right after that this is where we get our boy averman because at the house in france we get Uncle Frank being a dick about the shrimp. So, for everybody, Averman's in maybe seven seconds of this movie. This is the one

scene he's in. So, it's the Paris apartment. Yep. They're walking in. You see Uncle Frank walk into the living room in front of the tree, and behind room in front of the tree. And behind him, in front of the tree, in the background of the shot,

is a little... Wait, what did you say? Aunt Uncle Averman. Oh, yeah. That's the order of the people. I thought you... I thought that's what you were calling him. Oh, no.

But he's the little boy wearing the blue sweater he's the son of the the france brother but yeah that's him he's that's his that's our ducks connection is seven seconds of averman in a blue sweater in the background i i love it i will say matt doherty you fucking crushed it dude nailed it great dude. Nailed it. Great scene. Great. Absolutely killed it. You know, his poor mom having to deal with Uncle Frank. And then this is where we get your favorite.

We get the sister saying, ugh, this is so pointless. We're just here rotting. Kevin's home alone. Mom's in the airport. This is his sister, right? Not the cousin that left him, right? Yeah this isn't this is his sister right not the cousin that left him right not the yeah i think this is his sister yeah and and the buzz is like he got what he deserved he could use a few days in the real world she's like are you not worried like don't you think he's flipped out and this is the best this is the creme de la creme buzz line. He's like, no, he'll be fine for three reasons. A, I'm not that lucky.

Two, we have smoke detectors. D, we live on the most boring street in the United States. So good. Love it. And the fact that his first reason is I'm not lucky enough. I'm not that lucky. Oh, my God. And this is why this movie is so good because right after that we get like the the creme de la creme of all scenes which is kevin orders the pizza we get the

little nero's driver barreling in says take it to the back door he hits the statue again hits the statue again god you know just you know put the brakes on a little sooner brother get that going um and then just leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here that's how i get my uber eats now this movie saw the future i literally put don't knock because like don't knock dude like i got two dogs that are gonna flip out if you knock um but yeah so then we get you know the whole that whole pizza scene with the back and forth there's not a kid that didn't try to like make that work but it was impossible so that was that was amazing he's like cheapskate after keep the change you feel the animal cheapskate he tips about 20 cents right 1180 yeah yeah and um

oh my god and then this is where we get the iconic ah a lovely cheese pizza just for me i loved this movie my parents hate and you know why else my mom hated this movie because i went through a whole cheese pizza phase and my to my parents cheese pizza was just like flushing money down the toilet there's no toppings there's no meat there's no veggies what a waste in their opinion okay what a waste of life and so they they were, Mama D was not thrilled. I also, did you remember her, the mom pawning her? I forgot about the pawning scene. I always forget about like where she's like, I'll give you my earrings, 500 bucks cash, two first class tickets. Like what she offered that family, I would have taken too. Yeah.

That's a fucking steal, dude. Yeah. Two first class tickets to stay in paris for two more days fuck yeah yeah yeah a hundred bucks for a quick hostel for an extra night big wow these people were like 95 years old i don't know how well they'd hold up in a hostel well you know what i mean hotel yeah yeah she's giving you 500 bucks you use that for the for the hotel yeah oh my god sleep at the airport be a man you know oh and yeah she was offering uh yeah because then she was throwing

in watches and earrings she was like is that and this is that a rolex do you think it is that was a great one that's that mob mentality brandon i want a pocket translator don't forget that dude pocket translator in the 90s what's wrong with that um and then after that scene we get the scene that i started he's singing um he's uh doing the the shower scene uh scene with singing white christmas yep you know with the brood again there's there's there's another thing so i want to bring this up so going back to the the cheese pizza here because it was 12 12 bucks for uh or 1180 for a whole pizza which is that's a that's a steal you can't let's get that anywhere um and then he goes to the grocery store right going back to the grocery store and he buys this that's next so you're you're going in chronological order the grocery store is that because there's two there's

two trips out there's two trips out there's the trip to the convenience store it's more of like a little mom and pop like convenience store for the toothbrush. Or like a pharmacy. You remember the old school pharmacies, like the mom and pop pharmacies that had a little bit of everything? It was that. And then he goes to the actual grocery store. So that's this. My bad.

I thought we already passed the grocery store. No, we're right here. Because right after he's shaved, he's ready. He didn't shave. Do you think he cleaned his belly button again two days in a row? Why not? He enjoyed it. It was something he enjoyed, Brandon.

That's true. He grabbed some milk and then we see him head to check out some of the highlights that he bought for me were Wonder Bread. Do you remember when Wonder Bread used to have baseball cards? Oh, yeah. That was amazing. The microwave dinners, the bag of army men

for the kids. Dude, playing with those army men in the bathtub. That's classic. Oh, yeah. Dude, those army men were... I would have full on battalion scenes going on in the bathtub with a bag full of army men.

I don't know. I feel like bathtub. They were just always so small was my problem. I didn't like playing with them because they were too small. I like the big honking action figures, you know? Yeah. Those aren't bathtub figures, though. I wasn't playing

with i wasn't playing with figures in the bathroom i was never a bath guy i was always i pretty much went straight to showers we didn't have a shower in our house until a few years out big mike had to build it and i was way to make me feel like a dick keith sorry my bad i'm just saying like why don't you why don't you call me a cake eater huh listen listen to the shower in my first house brandon big mike built it in the basement out of chem light that he got from from he that he got from great dane like that he could take home spare chem light if they like and and so i had to be of a certain age before i could go down into the basement shower i was poor brandon like it's i lived a different life man not the not the bougie bastard that you see now we weren't we weren't you weren't poor you were just in the middle of nowhere in

the midwest yeah we're scrappy as a family um but when um when him cutting out the coupon for Tropicana, I thought that that was hilarious. And the interaction that he has back and forth with the lady is great. I love it. Are you here all by yourself? Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I'd be here alone? I don't think so.

Where's your mom? In the car. Where's your father? He's at work. What about your brothers and sisters? I'm an only child. Where do you live? Can't tell you that. Why not? Because you're a stranger. And he won. He won that back and forth.

That's why he became a national treasure. That scene. I don't know who's that scene. That scene is good. I don't know if that's the one everybody loves. Do you remember how much he paid for all that, though? Yeah. 1983. Yeah.

Inflation's a bitch, man. Dude, we live in a dystopian nightmare. I'm pretty sure. I haven't checked in a while, but I'm pretty sure just that gallon or gallon and a half of Tide that he bought, 20 bucks. Oh, it was 20 bucks. Easy. Yeah. The best part about

the whole thing is the bags breaking yeah that's great and the pain he did like macaulay culkin he was only nine years old when this movie was shot he crushes this movie his facial expressions he nails all like that his face when those bags break amazing yeah and like the way he just like slumps yeah like it was just so good like that's that is the human reaction that moment you don't really scream you you slump and then you scream yeah uh it's good stuff he he crushes it. He was a fantastic child actor. I got to say, him just jumping in to start doing his own laundry is wild to me. It's just, I don't know. That would have been the last thing on my mind. Mama D would have killed me.

If she would have came home, because I know he doesn't think his parents, he thinks they disappeared. But my God, if my mom would have came home, she'd be like, did you touch my fucking washing machine? She'd have killed me. She wouldn't have said fuck, but she would have killed me. Well, they established, this is the kid that everybody said couldn't pack a suitcase.

Yeah. And he's doing laundry. Yeah. Anyways. It would have been great if he he if he like would have pulled uh the stuff out of the dryer and it was like all pink or something like that that would have been great and when he's um or like it's like shrunk it's like a tiny little shirt like a i can't just because that's it like there's he's ruining his laundry, right? There's no way those clothes survive.

Oh, especially in the 1990s washer and dryers. Those things. Gotta be really specific. Yeah. Gotta be really specific with what you did. So while he's doing all these. There's nothing more anxiety-inducing than an old washing machine. Because it's just like, what's what's gonna happen i have no idea like the shared ones oh my god all right yeah that's great

we had a we had a crazy uh like that's the first thing i look at when i like looking for apartments and stuff so if it's shared laundry i oh i'm out done out all the way out i'm too old to be walking walking down a fucking flight of stairs or you know the elevator or some shit yeah um but also if like i'll like do like the virtual tours or like look at the galleries it's like what kind of how old are these fucking washing machines and shit here and if it's uh because we we had one in atlanta the one we me and danny shared in atlanta that was like a really old model that was probably like a mid-90s model and that thing fucking sucked it was like it was the worst i you gotta hang dry your clothes then which is a bummer well i i hang dry my shirts yeah like socks

and like underwear i'll throw that in the dryer. That's no problem. This is not going to. But yeah, like shirts. Wear like a good pair of pants. Nice shirts, nice hoodies, nice pants. Oh, I. Jeans. I mean, don't dry jeans. They're going to be skin tight. Yeah, hang dry. I hang dry any good pair of pants I have.

And then, oh yeah, I hang dry every single shirt and hoodie and just jacket and all that. It's just the way to go um but yeah to the conclusion of this scene is another iconic one because harry yells at marv to go like just go check it out go see like nothing looks like no one's there and so i don't know why i like die laughing every time but marv rattles the door rattles the door and he starts kicking at the doggy door, and then he loses his shoe inside. They didn't have a dog, did they? No. There was no point for the doggy door.

Well, I'm assuming they probably had a dog. Marv. R.I.P. Marv kicking in the doggy door and then losing his shoe. And losing his shoe is amazing. The best part is he goes, oh, oh, shit. And then he sticks oh oh shit and he's like he sticks his hand in he's like oh whoops yeah and so it's and then getting this

is where kevin hits him with um the the movie again like he's got it all teed up and ready to go and marv's like snakes snakes the name sounds so familiar uh i've heard that name before those fucking firecrackers man oh my god because that's what scares him is he puts the firecrackers in the pot and that's marv thinks that a guy named snakes and it's a mob house so um that very well could be it right like that's so maybe they know they're robbing a mob house because it made sense, right? They're like, geez, some guy named Snakes just got offed in this mob house. Maybe we shouldn't rob it. And so after this, we get introduced to the legendary, the amazing John Candy.

Yep. The Polka King of the Midwest, right? Oh, my God, yeah. Gus Polinski. The Polka King. Polka, polka, polka. The Kenosha Kickers, man. The Kenosha Kickers.

You know, they had some, the polka, polka, polka, Twin Lakes polka, polka twist, you know, pretty big hits for them there since the 70s. I love how he's like dumbfounded that she doesn't recognize them she's like she's like you know and they start listing off every single song nothing nothing it's like yeah it's fairly big for us in the 70s and she's like oh here in chicago he's like yeah no sheboygan we sold about 623 copies 620 very big up there um and i love he's like you know you've got a dilemma we've got a crisis oh he's just he's he's so good and so um they but they're the the polka band is on

their way to milwaukee and this would never work today They take a budget rental moving truck and they put all the people in the back of the budget truck. They would not like the liability of having passengers and you sign a waiver. You don't tell them you're doing it. Oh my God. Chaos. Brandon,

pure chaos. They're not going to rent. Like any person is not going to. It's the only thing they could get. All the cars were rented. Heath. Anyways, I'm all I'm saying is that's just not gonna fly well yeah you don't tell anybody

is is the thing he's uh but anyways yeah so we this is john candy is fantastic gus polinski the polka king and um he gives he gives the mom lets her hitch a ride in that budget truck from scranton pennsylvania to chicago then on their way to milwaukee that uh just skip ahead a little bit the scene where they're uh like playing music in the back of the budget thing and he like tries to give her the flute it's a clarinet clarinet tomato tomato that scene is so good and then it sounds like they do a good job because it sounds like he jumps back in and it starts playing you know what I mean like you hear

it I love the I for they start he starts like talking to her about uh Kevin and all that he's just like uh he's just constantly saying the wrong stuff and at the end she goes oh maybe because he goes she says she starts like getting can we wait for that because i i love that the stuff that he says is unhinged brandon like the the way she ends it is money it's a it's fantastic it's the best it's like well you asked yeah

you know it's like well i'm sorry yeah maybe we should talk about this yeah um but like this is where um after that scene this is where harry and marv realize it's like harry we're getting we're getting um duped by a kidney gardener uh because they see him like cutting his own tree and doing the decorations and then kevin overhears them say they're gonna come back at nine and he decides you know because they're they're gonna come back at nine because kids are scared of the dark and this is a throwaway line but i died and here he's like shut up marv you're scared of the dark too i thought that was so good um and then that's where it flashes back to the epic Polka jam on the truck.

Oh, my God. Really good stuff. And then the interaction between Kevin and this fake Santa, I thought was really good because the fake Santa pulls his beard up. He's like, oh, why do you think that? And Kevin's like, hey, I know how it works. And so he thinks that like Kevin knows how it works. But then Kevin right after that is like, I know you work for him. He's like, oh, he's not, you know, he's still a little kid.

You know, like it was a quick reminder that he's still just a little kid trying to figure this stuff out. I thought that was nice, like a good touch. And then like him, him giving him Tic Tacs. three three three little tic tacs dude tic tacs were so like everyone had tic tacs in the 90s they're everywhere oh it's good stuff um and this is this is where you get like the really christmasy part too right after that because he goes into the church as he's going through his like gearing up he's like what better way to plan my torture chamber than in a church than in the house of god you gotta get jesus's blessing yeah he's getting blessings from god to

put these these robbers through the torture chamber he would want this okay yeah um but this is where we get the the story of old man marley you know hey you don't have to be scared of me i'm not that scary i just got in a really bad fight with my son and now i've been ostracized for my family so i'm just grumpy and sad and alone and kevin's like well you know i've kind of been a dick um and to my family and now i've got to make up for that and they just have a nice little um very very hard back and forth yeah you know it was the christmassy moment right where everyone just the old script flipped where uh kevin gives him the sage advice as he's walking away he's like you know just reach out reach out to your son because that way at least

you'll know even if he doesn't answer he tells you to kick rocks at least you tried that was beautiful that's a beautiful moment i love that scene i think it's very nice yeah you know and then and then we get the sad like kevin is setting up and he's just about to and once again we got this family in the dairy on dairy he's drinking a tall glass of milk with mac and cheese's just about to and once again we got this family in the dairy on dairy he's drinking a tall glass of milk with mac and cheese he just bought yeah he just bought a whole brand new thing of milk i know but to drink a glass of milk with mac and cheese is too much dairy for your evening meal oh disgusting um but this is where this is the best part of the movie right the 20 minutes 20 minutes these fantastic physical stunts everybody's doing physical comedy it's epic

this i i wrote i wrote down um because the big the big thing not the big thing but one of the main things they do he does is he ices all the stairs, and they're just fucking slipping and falling. And I know, as well as anybody, and you know from our curling experience, falling on ice is a fucking dangerous game. So I was having some traumatic flashbacks watching these dudes slip on some eyes here. My knee... I got hung up on when did he use the hose to hose

that all down? Because based on the outside temperature, it had to have been like 20 degrees for it to freeze like that. Well, it's Chicago. That's true. In the middle of the winter, it might have been 20 or 10. We just looked up. They're on the lake. So they're getting all that wind. That's true in the middle of the winter it might have been 20 there like we just looked up they're like on the lake so they're getting all that's true all that wind that's true that's true so yeah it's good it's fucking cold um but my back to the icing my knee is just now like not hurting

was which which ice fall gave you the worst flashback i marv right like marv's fall or was it marv's fall down the stairs yeah uh wasn't like a flashback because it wasn't anything like my fall but uh that was the most that looked the most like he legitimately could have died from that that fall um and when he when he slips and falls in the crowbar drops back down and hits him in the head. That's a really nice added touch. Him like spread eagle, like using the crowbar to crawl back up. That's so good. And when he's like doing the worst job ever on the door with the lock and then he realizes it's just unlocked.

Yeah. Because Kevin wants them to come into that house of horrors. Oh, that is. Because Kevin wants them to come into that house of horrors. That fucking basement, man, with the, what's it called? Clothing iron? What's it called? Oh, yeah. When the iron, when he pulls on the light switch and the iron.

Is it just iron? Okay. I thought there was like a fancy, okay, just an iron. Yeah, no. And it smacks him on the head. The grabbing. But the doorknob, did you notice it was glowing? So the fact that he grabbed a glowing doorknob is insane. Like he deserved to get his fucking hand with the Macalester M imprint.

There's that. And then there's the like just after he gets hit in the face with Marv is like climbing through the window. And there's clearly. All he has to do is look down. There's clearly thousands of Christmas ornaments. Just look down, Marv. And the Marv thing is great because it wouldn't have worked if he wouldn't have gone. You had to go to the basement first. And I like how Marv gets all the way –

I forgot. He is fully concussed right now. Yeah, he's concussed. He's in his bare feet he is he is contemplating the um what's the the tetanus shot that he's gonna have to get because he just had an entire nail go through his foot yep and he is his feet are covered in tar it's like he is he's he's you know but the fact that and then he just like straight up steps on yeah it's a rough day at work for marv rough day at work for marv and like when he goes to the window and sees that it's open he's like harry i'm coming in they bring that back in the second movie

he does that and then he gets like completely wiped out. It's really good stuff. And then. The, I always loved the, when Harry gets the sticky face and then the feathers. And then they, they meet each other on the,

on the steps. It's like, my God, what happened to you? Like, they're like yelling at each other like what the happened to you oh my god that is that's really good stuff yeah and the the blow torch to the head that's a classic yeah the blow torch to the head is classic when he goes when he goes in there um the he shoots marvin the er he shoots harry in the nuts with the bb gun and then gets marvin the face that's how it kicks off and then they go to the front doors like they split

up after that is that the very beginning or i thought that was that's at the very very beginning wasn't that before doesn't he do that and then they leave and come back at nine is that oh maybe that's it maybe that's what happens yeah oh man it's just uh it's it's why here marb why'd you take your shoes off why are you dressed like a chicken oh my god both valid questions oh no i'm really scared better come and get me oh my god and the micro machines i loved seeing did you were micro machines gone by the time no they were they're still around they weren't they weren't as uh as popular but they were still there oh dude i have um star wars micro machine like i have a planet hoth micro machine i've got an endor micro machine i have I have a full Millennium Falcon that is like a micromachine. I think I had the Falcon.

It's good shit. It was micromachines were awesome. So I love seeing those again, man. Those old 90 toys were the best. And then this is where they get walloped with the paint cans. Poor Harry loses his gold tooth, which is, you know, a real bummer. But did you hear what Harry says to Kevin after they get hit with the paint cans? This is Joe Pesci. He goes, he goes, I'm going to get you, kid.

I'm going to snap off your cojones and boil them in motor oil. Jesus. them in motor oil jesus i rewound it because i was like he did not just threaten to castrate this child and boil his testicles i mean but he did he did he the the kid did knock out his gold tooth so you know well and i torched his head and branded his hand he branded that dude's hand with the mcallister m like kevin now owns harry brandon um but this is where oh my god and this is like the nightmare of nightmares they kind of catch him after the trip wire and he grabs the tarantula and put it on marv's face. Dude, I would have had the exact same reaction that Marv had. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That is a thing of nightmares. He flings it onto Harry's chest and just wallops him with the crowbar. And my favorite is Harry retaliates and just, like, smacks him, like, three or four times at the crowbar. That's really good shit. That fucking tarantula, though, man. Yeah. That was too much. the crowbar that's that's really good shit that fucking tarantula though man i yeah and the fact that when kevin took out the shelves knowing that the tarantulas tank got wiped out and

he was just like you know what i'm gonna do i'm just gonna live with this guy i'm just gonna let him roam yeah he'll figure it out i'll figure it out disgusting but this is probably it probably is one of the ones that isn't poisonous it's safe like doesn't bite humans I think if I could be incredibly mistaken but I think there's one type of tarantula where like it can't physically

like break the skin or something like that so I can't really bite you I could be totally wrong though all our all our arachno freaks let me know how wrong i am in the comments arachnophobia is a i think i talked about this but i i might i was being a shithead little brother and everyone thought this is the 90s but everyone's like you know what he you want to be a shithead kid and watch arachnophobia at five cool and they had me watch it and i watched the whole thing and i have had

been desperately afraid of spiders ever since but like i but like this was my that was like my kevin moment right my parents were sick of hearing me cry and yell about it heidi was sick of me ruining her birthday party so they're like you know what fuck it let's let's laugh and then they just laughed and laughed as i was like under the covers mortified everyone was just laughing and laughing and now i don't like scary movies i don't know if i've told this story before uh on the podcast um but i used to work at a movie theater like restaurant deal and i was working there right when um the second of the new planet of the apes came out oh nice um so not the james franco one but the one right after that yeah and this family came into like one of the morning um showings

of that movie and they had a like a three or four year old and then they had like three- or a four-year-old, and then they had a one-year-old baby with them. And the only thing I could think of was these kids are going to be irrationally afraid of monkeys and apes for the rest of their lives. There's a scene in that movie where one of the apes is on horseback with a machine gun. Yeah, that's awesome. It's a great scene, but imagine seeing that at like three years old and then being like what the fuck like trying to go to go to a zoo like like walking by the the gorillas and the apes after that dude i would be fucking terrifying it's i don't know i it's good stuff but anyway so the end of this um scene is kevin gets away with the spider and

then he does his zip line on the rope from the house to the tree house and then he cuts the rope as they're trying to go across and then kevin runs to the murphys to call 9-1-1 but harry and marv finally outsmart him and they do not follow him through the house of horrors they beat him to the front and he's so small they can hang him on the coat hook on the door i thought that was pretty intense you see the the water was still running too i did i was like kevin did not expect to have a pool to have to swim through to get out of the basement um but then they i remember being traumatized by when joe pesci is like i'm gonna bite off each of his fingers like the way he does that just oh that always got me because like the way he grabs kevin's finger you know he does such a good job

of it was it you that i was talking about this with the other day where um it's like this the same force needed to bite through a carrot is all you would need to bite through your finger yeah yeah and i can't unhear it and that's what provided extra trauma to this scene for me this time around anyways um but yeah and then um we get old man marley smashes him in the head with the shovel. And then this is where at right. Then the cops finally come flying in incredibly late, you know, and they say, nice move, leaving the running water on. Now we know all the houses you hit.

And Marv is like, fuck, yeah, we're the wet bandits. Put it in print, baby, which is is amazing and then this is where we get they're back in the budget track and it's john did you bring up the neighbor right yeah yeah old man marley hulk smashes him with the shovel knocks him out southman shovel slayer at it again but i thought it was weird that he just sent kevin back home he's like hey man go back home and knock these dudes out i'll take it from here well he didn't take it from there he he bailed too they both bailed and and like it just he can't so the two things here heath one kevin needs it needs them to be arrested at the other house i knew that for you know because

yeah he does some of the cops at his house and the neighbor is the south bend shovel slayer he can't be you know mulling around the cops are gonna figure it out yeah i mean once again more proof that this is a mob house because we have a child who is taught at a very early age to distrust the police and never bring them into your home. I don't think it's distrusting the police. I think it's the point of he doesn't – because if he doesn't hit at his house, right, you got to fill out paperwork. You got to go down to the precinct. He does clean up the mess at his house awfully fast outside of Buzz's room.

Everything except for Buzz's room is put back together. If he brings the cops over, then he's got to explain this whole fucking thing to his parents. You know? It's best to leave him over there. I was just over here the whole time. Nothing happened. And then old Mr. Shovel Killer can still hide away. you know i'm i was just uh i was over here the whole time nothing happened and then almost mr

shovel killer can still hide away yep that's anyways bam so that is how the wet bandits get caught and so no one is home yet kevin goes back finishes the evening cleans up after his charades goes to bed hope it puts out milk and cookies for Santa Claus. He does all that stuff. Meanwhile, we're back in the budget truck, and we get this amazing interaction between the mom and Gus, where she's like, am I a bad parent? And he's like, oh, let me tell you about the bad parents in this. He's like, this guy can't even remember his kid's names. This one

never sees him. And she's like, well, have you ever left your kid all alone at home? And John Candy says, well, no, but we did leave a kid behind at a funeral parlor. It was terrible. The wife and I were all distraught after we figured it out. We'd left him there all day. We went back that night and there he was alone with the corpse. But kids are resilient. He came around six to seven weeks later and started talking again. That's what she

turns to him and goes maybe we shouldn't talk about this and he's like well I'm just trying to cheer you up you brought it up that is the most underrated scene of this entire movie that I never paid attention to as a kid gently pay attention to as an adult

but once i started taking notes on this movie i was like i hit the pause and i was like he wasn't joking at first i thought he was joking i was like i thought this was a joke and then i was like okay and now i have to run this back and get the exact details that he left his kid all day and into the night at a funeral parlor with the dead body and then there he is with the corpse yeah six six to seven weeks later imagine how resilient imagine how harrowing of a time it would be if you were because i'm assuming they left him in the little uh the like the wake room yeah and he was just locked in there by himself with with the the like uh with the body what a harrowing ordeal that would be yeah that's that's this is how serial

killers are made yeah that's that's that's my nightmare i would uh i would rather die that sounds terrible um and so anyway and that we can we can rip through the end because now we're basically at the end Kevin wakes up we got some nar pal on Christmas morning falling down Brandon like Christmas baby and he's like holy shit

is Santa a hoax my family isn't here that's what I wish for he opens up the front door lets all the heat out all the cold air in what a disaster that is but then it is for sure hoax though then the budget truck arrives and you know it is a wonderful reunion between mom and son and then he says where's everybody else it's like man they couldn't make it and then boom here's dad here's the kids um you know we're all home and and she's like how did you guys get here

and he's like we took the flight that your psychopathic ass refused to wait for and so it took her the exact same time to get home as if she would have just waited for everyone else yeah but i understand i would have done the same thing but and also now she has a great kenosha kicker story to tell everybody so i mean i would have done the same thing as her i wouldn't have been able to just sit and wait for that fucking flight no not not for two not for two days now maybe i've done the exact same thing even though it ended up being the exact same time i would have done the same thing um and then this is where Buzz is like,

hey, Kev, pretty cool you didn't burn the place down. And then he gets mad about his room. Buzz, I went shopping. I got milk, eggs, fabric softener. And they're like, what else did you do while you were away? Oh, just hung around. That ending where he goes, just hung around that ending where he goes just hung around and then it like stops in pans for all the laughter was such a like 90s like sitcom fucking show i started laughing just out of the dad the dad finds the gold tooth later and then we we see um old man marley reuniting with his

family yeah he made up with uh with the son and the the granddaughter yep that's why that's uh i don't know if we mentioned that that's why he was in the church is because his granddaughter was seeing the choir did we yeah yeah well never mind then anyways it was just it was all good stuff there's i i don't know brandon i this movie is so good it's pretty good that's pretty good it's a it's a it's a great christmas movie um it's solid yeah it's solid it's it's one of the more like it's i mean i told you it's in my yearly christmas rotation i'll probably watch it for you know multiple times it's no turbulence but it's pretty good oh my gosh that's that's how i know you don't know shit

about shit i mean i do when when do you start watching christmas movies brandon because like there's a lot of spectrums like some people are november 1st right into christmas some people are psycho like my mom and it's all year yeah you know the answer to this yeah well not all year it's usually uh hallmark christmas in july is when i started year yeah you know the answer to this yeah well not all year it's usually uh hallmark christmas in july is when i started popping off you know and and but you continue from july until december no not really it's just uh i just i'll watch the the chris the the ones that they do in the christmas in july um and then i i i probably don't really start watching like Christmas movies until December. We always, I, as an adult on my own, I always started first of December.

You know, I like to give November it's due, but as a kid, we would always decorate our house for Christmas over Thanksgiving break. And so like, that was a big thing yeah when i was growing up we'd usually do like uh a christmas movie on thanksgiving like after football's all done yeah throw on um where my family was big into um the santa claus tim allen oh my god that was our go-to movie okay nice not a bad that is that's not a bad answer as a family go-to movie. Okay, nice. That is not a bad answer as a family go-to Christmas movie. That's another one that Mama D, not a super big fan of. I was obnoxiously obsessed with it.

Yeah. You seem like a big Bernard guy. You a big Bernard guy? No. I was a big Tim Allen fan. Dude, Tim Allen is a fucking maniac man i know i know improvement was did you ever watch last man standing he's like he's like alt-right propaganda sitcom it was ridiculous i do love he is uh he so he's a big detroit guy which is where he's from

but he is also he's a big denver guy he always tries like last man standing takes place in denver he always like shouts he weirdly like always shouts out denver for some reason so i respect that okay but he is uh he's definitely a uh a right-wing nut and he that's seeping into most of his stuff that he does now did you ever get into were you too young for like the claymation christmas movies like rudolph and year without a santa claus and all those oh no i wasn't too young i i've seen all of them uh i don't i'm not a huge fan of them especially like the like the all the weird ones like the with like the heat misers that shit weirds me out not a fan of that all right well you're wrong about that year without a santa claus is

easy one of my top five i'm mr heat my you know i don't like i don't like music i don't like i don't like when people start singing for no fucking reason they're not singing for no reason they're singing to move the story along. Like, if you didn't have the Heatmiser and the Snowmiser songs, you wouldn't know shit about those brothers. I don't want to know anything about those brothers. They're key figures in that movie, Brandon. The Miser brothers.

But, yeah, I was never a big Claymation guy. Not really my thing. Well, you're wrong about that. You're wrong about a guy not really my my thing well you're wrong about that you're wrong about a lot of things brandon but you're wrong about this for sure that's true so but i you know it's i i mean the throws of christmas movies there's the i just i love them all i i i really do and during christmas time i will test the waters of the Hallmark ones, but they've got to hit a certain niche for me. They have to be – the more ridiculous, the better. I love the – there was one about a radio station that was good.

I don't know. They're all ridiculous, and i love them i think i think we talked about this when we did love always santa i've seen i guarantee you i've seen every single hallmark christmas movie i couldn't tell you the plot or the name of any of them though well yeah you can't you can you can tell the plot of almost all of them and and by describing it's just a big town girl that goes to the small town and meets the local person and then they find the true meaning of christmas and then they live happily ever after and they reject not always sometimes it gets flipped like in love always santa it was the guy the big city guy who came

to the small town it's okay same the the big city individual goes to the small town and it's either a family business or something. Wait, do you remember Holiday in Handcuffs where Melissa Joan Hart literally kidnaps Mario Lopez? That is an insane movie that could never get made. She kidnapped him that's the whole the whole movie is about kidnap and trying to justify that it was okay that movie is terrible and ridiculous and hilarious but it was also uh um it was also like riddled with like problems while they were shooting it. If I'm remembering it correctly, I think it's that movie where – because they were all shooting in – like shooting at a cabin for all those cabin scenes.

And so they were all in – they were all staying in the same house, same whatever, while they were shooting for a week or so. And if I'm remembering correctly, everybody got food poisoning at the same time. And so it was – Anyways, let's – You can tell how miserable – if you go and rewatch that movie, you can see the beads of sweat on everybody. How sick everyone is. Because they're just constantly throwing up and having diarrhea from the food poisoning it's amazing all right let's give a cakey rating all right i honestly have not decided on my cakey rating um so you should go first hit me with yours

all right i'm gonna feel like you're gonna give it like an 89 or something it's a 4.93. 4.93? Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, 4.93. It's amazing. I love this movie, Brandon. I would rate the first one and the second one the exact same. Wait, no. Yeah, because I rated Newsies and a Goofy movie like, movie like what 487s or something like that so this is easy a four four point nine three both newsies and goofy movie was 487.

yeah so 493 that's where you're goingy that's hefty that's a bad about this movie name something bad about this movie so like plot holes shut up get the out of here the plot holes the like 40 minutes when nothing happens 40 minutes or nothing oh my god you don't get it it's a good movie though i'm gonna give uh i'm debating here um we got joe pesci and macaulay culkin at the peak of their powers in this movie and marv marv fucking crushes what's his name daniel uh i think it's stern daniel stern yeah yep brickma from rookie of the year now that's now that's a movie he's that's a movie because i gave that i gave rookie of the year a four three it's not as good as rookie of the year Is it better Because I gave turbulence a 3.7

Is it better than turbulence Yes 100% I don't know dude Ray Liotta was You know McCormick, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern Catherine O'Hara Imagine if you added Ray Liotta's character from

Turbulence into Home Alone that's a five star movie right there then there's murder alright so what are you going to give it I'm going to go I will say the main

thing that is the main hindrance of this movie is we needed more aberman you know we needed more than seven seconds of aberman we needed him we needed that that that uh matt doherty less aberman charm to shine through so that i'm for that i'm going to dock it a little some points okay i'm gonna dock it a little bit all right i'm gonna go i think i'm debating between a high three and a low four i think i'm gonna go low four i'm gonna go four one all right that's a i i can that's a solid four one and that's a good score from you, actually. That's like basically five kicks. It is. It's because we have, like I said, Rookie of the Year was 4-3. I gave Sandlot a 4-5.

And then Breakfast Club was a 4-3-5. So, yeah, it's the fourth highest one for me. Well, it's well-'s well deserved it's a fantastic holiday movie Brandon Merry Christmas to all to all the listeners Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night

I thought you were going to throw in go fuck yourselves well no ho ho ho Merry Christmas I was waiting for you to throw in keep the change you feel the animal oh damn it missed opportunity Thanks for listening, everyone. Please remember to follow and like us on Instagram at TheCakeEaterspod, on Twitter at thecakeeaters. Also reach out to us via email, thecakeeaterspod at gmail.com or visit our website, thecakeeaterspod.com.