The Cake Eaters - 75. The Pacifier

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

On today's episode, the boys sit through the classic Vin Diesel/Lauren Graham joint venture The Pacifier. Heath and Brandon discuss the lasting legacy of Coach A from Game Changers, the differences between early 2000s pop punk bands, John vs Shane Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt, how Brad Garrett "The Murninator" steals the show, and then Cat Jesse makes a highly anticipated appearance. Follow us at www.thecakeaterspod.com and on Twitter (@thecakeeaters) and Instagram (@thecakeeaterspod) Email us at [e-mail]

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Quick like a turtle, lie on your back. Roll like a log until you can't roll no more. Better jump quick like there ain't no floor. Hold your breath, jump to the left and that's the peter panda dance i had forgotten how long that was it is so long oh my god how fantastic was that, though? Really good stuff. It's a solid rendition. You sounded just like Vin.

That's what I was going for. I felt like I was imagining myself, Brandon, as I was doing that, just to take you on this journey with me. As I was reading it, I was Vin down underneath the garage. I was actually moving to the side when those little things were dropping down. I jumped back and I was holding my breath when the gas got shot out. Good night, Peter Panda. This is the Cake Eaters podcast, everybody. I'm Brandon.

That's Heath. We are – today we're talking – we're going through one of Lauren Graham's finest performances. You may know her as Alex Morrow, head coach, Coach A. But they probably don't, Brandon, because it's – Well, no, they – because they've they everybody that's listening has been has a listened to all of our episodes multiple times they've been following since the start these are diehards heath die hard fans disney can delete game changers all they want but game changers full episode breakdowns live forever on the Cake Eaters podcast.

Fuck you, Disney. You can't take them down. Once a duck, always a duck, even though I hate it. I hate it. I hate all the movies that we've done from these people. Name one movie that we've done from Game Changers that I've liked. Well, this one, I guess. I like this movie.

This one has a soft part. This is not a good movie either. We're in a tough stretch right now. We're in a tough stretch. This is a good movie. And I don't know if it's too tough. Home Alone, Turbulence, those are fantastic movies. Well, those aren't Game Changers. I'm trying to think what Game Changers ones we've done.

We did... Yeah, I guess all of them have been terrible because it's all buddy games um yeah i think this is the this is the only one besides buddy games game changers one that we've done well they still all suck i'm sure the new ninja turtles movie is gonna suck too i've had i've had people try to talk me off the ledge that the new Ninja Turtles movie is like, they're like, no, no, no, it's not really comic books. It's not really the old movies.

It's more like the old cartoons. And I don't think they realize how much I love those old cartoons. So I'm going to call bullshit, unfortunately. And I just, I'm pretty sure even though I've never seen it, other than the first five minutes, I'm going to hate it. That's fair. That's fair. Because I kind of hate everything. never seen it other than the first five minutes i'm gonna hate it yeah that's fair that's fair brady noon evan morrow who's in who's in that teenage mutant ninja turtle movie you're talking about he was just in a new christmas movie oh um a netflix called it's with uh ed helms i believe

and i want to say Jennifer Garner. Oh, wow. Dude, I canceled Netflix, though. They raised their prices too high for the final time. It's a Christmas movie, so we get until next Christmas to get it back. But it's called Family Switch. It looks terrible. It's a body-switching movie.

They switch bodies. I may hard pass on that, but we'll see. You're going to do it. It's not until Christmas. We'll do it next Christmas. Give a little sneak peek for everybody. Something to look forward to next Christmas. Oh, geez.

Whatever. All right. Anyways, this movie, even though Lauren know lauren graham in uh the game changers was terrible um in this movie she was great petty officer first class principal so is she is she a seal yeah i believe so okay i know because vin's a sealAL. And I think she, I don't think she was a SEAL. I think she was just a Navy-er. A Navy? Was she a Marine? Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines.

Did you order? That's In the Army Now, a famous Pauly Shore movie. You ever heard of it? That was referencing. We got it? That was referencing. We got it. It's good. It's good. So this movie actually is one of the,

in the old parental units house. This one comes on a lot. If it's on TV, we always put it on you know big mike was a big fan right from the beginning he saw the fast and the furious guy and was like hey this is a fast and the furious guy and this is a movie that like my mom will watch with this and like she knows she'll always complain about the movies we're watching because they're not hallmark movies but like this one she doesn't complain as loud about right because like no one actually gets shot or dies you know like I mean the dad dies but it's off screen so like she she can she she usually

complains less than normal for this one and so it's always it's one that we always like to go back to I remembered this being so much better i was very disappointed on this rewatch because this movie is not not good this is not i this is one of the most boring movies i think i've ever seen in my entire life you know i thought the same thing too this time around i was like man i really remember this being a little bit better than i think it was um i also to be fair though i had a long week and accidentally fell asleep halfway through the movie, sitting straight up in my computer chair. So I don't know if I was in the right mind space when I was watching this, because halfway through, I had to take a quick

nap time out and then come back to it. So it was a travel week so i like to blame it on that that's that's what i was blaming it on i wasn't blaming it on like the movie substance you know lulling me to sleep but maybe it was a column a column b type of scenario brandon i don't know i don't know i i want to start off okay first things first my with my biggest gripe of this movie, and it's the fact that it's probably like halfway through the movie. They're driving home from Costco, right? It's Vin Diesel. It's the two babies, and it's the girl scout troop yep and the girl scout troop is singing shane jacob jingleheimer smith yeah am i an idiot or is that the wrong fucking thing okay okay so is it not

john hold on hold on time out let me let me just time out this really quick, Brandon, because number one, I, they said it. And I was like, what are these dumb bitches doing? It is John Jacob,

Jingleheimer Schmidt. Like what in the actual fuck is happening. But then Vin Diesel's name is Shane. So I, my thought was that in all of the little fireflies, like they're wound up and high on sugar from like, you know, being all excited and they were just messing with him. So they were saying Shane,

Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. But if they were, in fact, if that is not the case and they were in fact saying the wrong names then i hate whoever made this movie like i i actually like it might knock the score down for my for my cakey rating if that was not like intended for them to be razzing shane the nanny so i completely forgot his name was shane now that you say it now that you say that i i can't i can i can live with it okay okay two plus two equals four i

completely spaced his name with shane i was like what the fuck but like it but it took me a second it took me right like i i was there was a quick rage with like that just burned bright and hot in my soul and then i was like wait wait wait wait wait i think they just said shane i think that vin diesel's name is shane and so i edited my notes and and took back all the mean things that i said about everyone about this movie for not like because how the how it like that you know if you get john jacob jingleheimer schmidt wrong like you're just you're just a moron it's a tale as old as time i was thinking maybe it's like uh maybe it's like a cultural thing or maybe like in canada they sing shane

jacob jingleheimer schmidt and we think it's but it's the alliteration is what makes it I mean Shane and Schmidt kind of either way I wanted to hope that that it was and actually the I did like

that when they kicked it off and he was doing the mission that he calls all of his soul they set up like how they they because one of Big Mike's favorite parts is, you know, where how he calls all the kids like red baby, red one, red two. And how they set it up with him, like doing the mission. And then the dad, I forgot that the dad dies. I actually forgot that the dad dies in this movie. I thought he came back at the end for some reason. But poor,

but no, we're a Tate Donovan. Do you ever watch? Do you ever watch the OC? No, but I watched Kelly watch the OC one time. He's a Marissa's dad. And that's,

that's the one girl that it in chuck one time right uh i've never seen chuck a day in my life is there name rachel in real life does that ring a bell well there's rachel uh bill said jilson who is an oc that's not um marissa though that's that's she plays She plays Summer. Marissa is Misha Barton. Oh, okay. That's all you had to say, Brandon. You should watch The O.C. I fucking love that show. Bill Simmons is a big fan of The O.C., I think. You really only have to watch the first two seasons.

I think there's four or five but something happens at the end of the season at the end of season two um and then season three and four garbage speaking of the oc and this like really doesn't relate at all but are we still gonna do season one of uh josh jackson as pacey dawson's creek yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what i meant we'll get to it yeah okay it's that's still that's still on the on the docket for a season one of dawson's creek because that might be a lot of fun like i've never watched it before yeah you got we definitely gotta we definitely gotta do season at least uh at least season one of dawson's creek yeah and like we can we can revisit another season, but I feel like a full breakdown of season one. Season one is, is, I mean, the whole show is pretty fucking bonkers, but season one is, is real bonkers.

Cause it's the whole, A, A, you learn in, I think it's like fucking three minutes into the first episode, you find out that Pacey, Josh Jackson, is sleeping with his teacher. It's like three minutes into the fucking season. Nice. Don't bury the lead at all. That's where it starts. That's where it starts. Oh, my God. Wow.

Where do you go from there so how would you like uh dawson's creek versus seventh heaven which one goes to more weird extremes oh dots i mean dawson's creek is hands down unequivocally a better show than seventh heaven seventh heaven the dawson's creek does more weird things i would say weirder things but seventh heaven is does a really good job of taking normal things and making them batshit crazy you know i do like the mom like the mom when she talks about like just smoking weed and it's like a whole that's fair that meme is fantastic i i smoked pot yeah and then yeah they always they always take like the most mundane things and they treat it as like a complete like moral injustice and it's like dude the dude he skipped one class he's not going to

hell like let's fucking calm let's calm down guys um Dawson's Creek gets into some weird... There's some weird stuff that happens in Dawson's Creek. It's very... It's very much like a teenage sexual romp through puberty and adolescence. It's a lot of people making the completely wrong decision every single chance they get. Yeah. I'm excited.

I can't wait. Like, you know, I think that that's one that the listeners might really get behind is following along to us really, especially my first trip around the sun with Josh Jackson as Pacey. We should do – we'll do that after we get after d3 uh okay we'll we'll check in on dawson's creek because that's when we see charlie kind of being the worst in d3 if i remember correctly he like they had he had already shot at least one season of dawson's creek um before d3 so it's like it'll it'll line up like time wise it'll be nice again okay i love i love that um all right let's get let's get back to the movie brandon so um long story short for like the first chunk of the movie dad is scientist guy inventing microchip

scientist thing gets shot what what i completely forgot what he what he invented it was some like ghost shit yeah it's a guided high altitude scrambling transmitter okay so it like scrambles missiles i'm assuming yeah yeah like people can't control their own nukes they said more or less Once they started talking about military stuff I was like I'm out I got nothing here Yeah Long story short

Vin's there to try and rescue the dad Dad actually gets shot Vin gets shot but survives And then They send him out to go Babit the kids yeah the dad scientist yeah the scientist because he's gone so yeah the dad's gone and then the mom needs to go on like a weird needs to go needs to leave to go to the dad's sw Swiss bank account because they believe that there might be a clue to this ghost protocol machine there. To find it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And someone broke into their house earlier that week. So the mom is like, yo. So their dad gets kidnapped. Then he gets murdered. Now I got to go to Switzerland for some shit. We better get a real bodyguard type of guy in here

so they send a navy seal vin diesel the to accompany their russian uh housekeeper she is not russian what was she then she's czechoslovakian oh is that what they said so this movie does a crazy racist bait-and-switch. So the people that are chasing him at the beginning, Vin Diesel and the scientist guy, Tate Donovan, they refer to as Serbian. Okay. And I wrote that in my notes. I was like, oh, shit, are the Serbians going to be the bad guys?

That's weird. And then we get to the nanny, and then I was like, oh, the nanny is Serbian for sure. Absolutely. But then he has that computer where he's looking everybody up. He looks up the nanny. Oh, that's right. In that little report that pops up, it says she's from Czechoslovakia which okay is doesn't exist uh anymore and didn't and didn't even exist at the time of this movie um she would have either been slovakian or czech they come they split after by that time yeah so but then they bait and switch you with that they

they make you think it's the serbians that are the bad guys then oh nope north korea north koreans and the americans um the dynamic duo but yeah um just i i did like when they should have kept serbians as the bad guy though that would have been a nice like like team iceland like old switcheroo to you know like what the fuck are this why why the fuck are the serbians involved well i for a second i thought that gary was going to be the reason that we were doing this movie with our mighty ducks tie wait who's gary the guard duck oh you thought it was there was an actual duck yeah carry the duck and then and they do yeah montage with vince setting up the security because that's important right he's gearing up for so many monitor montages so many montages so many so many the driving like the best one is the one at the end, though, with Good Charlotte playing. With the anthem, dude?

Yeah. You know, maybe I shouldn't admit this. I typed Simple Plan. I did. I typed Simple Plan, the anthem. I was going to ask you to sing it if you knew it, but apparently you don't. Another loser anthem. Whoa. Brandon, this is like getting someone's name confused i could have sworn it was simple plan i got simple plan a good charlotte

mixed up i had a good charlotte cd one of those good charlotte cds um i like newfound glory a lot too you know they're still they're still kicking too they're still going nice i went to their uh their uh like 30 year anniversary tour or 25 year anniversary tour out in atlanta a couple years ago it's pretty tight yeah they played all the hits it was great i love when they do all all downhill from here oh because it's all downhill from here. Or My Friends Over You. You know that one? Oh, my God. Yeah, come on. My friends over you.

Oh, yeah. I had a nice little mix CD with all those on it along with some. And maybe that's why I keep getting them mixed up with Simple Plan because there was Simple Plan. There was Good Charlotte. There was, you know, mix CDs will mess with your brain like that yeah you gotta key yeah you gotta have a good good organization keep those things um good shot good charlotte the anthem though that's like that that i don't know if i can i can forgive you for because that's like that's their song like that's

the i mean that's the only i guess no i'll say that's the only song i can name but i can name one more lifestyles of the rich and famous let's see another good one you know brandon i knew this was gonna happen yes i do and i knew this was gonna happen because lifestyles of the rich and the famous they're always complaining always complaining, always complaining. Money is not a problem. Something about stuff. We're good, Charlotte. I do that a lot when I'm singing songs and I forget the lyrics. I just kind of, I just like to freestyle and use the band name in it. When's the last time you've talked about Good Charlotte in depth? This is, I, did you, were you, talked about good charlotte in depth this is i did you were you like did you put this in your notes you're like oh dude i hated this movie but like

fuck it well i'm just gonna d like derail heath and we're talking about good charlotte for like 20 minutes it's gonna be awesome i have so it's what so it's one of my last notes because i stopped uh at the end i stopped taking notes but the in my notes is in giant capital letters with a couple of exclamation points. Good Charlotte montage. Called it. Called it. Is he still married? Is he still married to Nicole Richie?

Who? One of the one of the Madden brothers who are the. That's the singer and the guitarist from good charlotte john madden joel madden is he still married are they still married okay they are they're still oh nice we love love i was gonna say my my faith and love would have taken a real hit if they weren't still together but they all right brandon let's get back to the movie i will i will i will groove us along super quickly and that way we can just talk like highlights and so long story short for this kind of like section is it sets up the family and him not getting along where the family is absolute chaos and then he wakes him up with the whistle 6 a.m sunday morning refuses to learn

their names calls him red one red leader red one red baby yeah red one red two red three red i think those red i think red four and then red baby right or is it red yep yep it's red four and then red baby my i did love this part from the nanny where he's like, where's the older male? And she's like, he walks like Dracula with footsteps silent like death.

That was great. I got a real kick out of that. I liked her. I was upset when she when she quit. When she bailed, yeah. I was like, no, come on. kick out of that i liked her i was i was i was uh upset when she when she when she quit when she bailed yeah i was like no come on that's i mean she to be fair like you know he wasn't picking vin diesel wasn't picking up after himself and then those little shithead kids just took it too far yeah she did she slipped down the stairs yeah that's rough um yeah it's you know

oh the other thing when he when he's looking up her on his little computer and he he like moved the chair or whatever to like do the one-handed push-up those are the worst one-handed push-ups i've ever seen in my entire life brandon i'm not gonna take your opinion on one-handed push-ups I've ever seen in my entire life. Brandon, I'm not going to take your opinion on one-handed push-ups. You don't know shit about one-handed push-up techniques. I do. And I know that that's not it. Name one technique. Not that one.

Name one way to hold your form on one-handed push-ups. You don't need to put your feet on couches. You don't need to do that. That's extra weight resistance, Brandon. Those were the worst one-handed push-ups I've ever seen in my entire life. I was just being an ass. I felt embarrassed for Vin Diesel doing those one handed pushups I

speaking of Vin Diesel this is a weird time this is like like this is after Fast and the Furious after Triple X after Riddick yeah

this is peak Vin Diesel powers like this Disney movie was a home run I don't know if I'd say peak Vin Diesel I think Heath and Big Mike love I don't think Vin Diesel has a peak first of all

I think it's nothing but upward trajectory just up up up all the way. But this is one of those movies, though, Brandon, when it's on TBS and it's just on. It's a perfect, like, it's on, you're doing laundry, you're cleaning. Because nothing happens.

There's nothing happening. Yeah, it's so easy to follow. And then there's little moments that are funny, right? Like when he's yelling at the lady for the love of God, you know, red leader, don't leave a man behind. Rips her bag. It's really good stuff. And I did, like, when Lulu is asking him all the questions I cracked up so hard

because she's like, do you do Kung Fu? Did you punch? So a guy so hard, his head came off. Why are your boobs so big? Do you wear a bra? Well,

my boobs get as big as yours. That really, that really cracked me up um but anyways it was his his his his like friendship with lulu was was really good stuff yeah i yeah lulu was great lulu uh was the saving grace for sure she She was my favorite character, I think. Yeah. Her Girl Scout troop, the first time the boys show up before they get their ass fucking kicked. Yeah. How old is Lulu?

How old are these kids? Like 10, right? Something like that. Yeah, something. One of the boys calls the whole Girl Scout. He calls, I forget exactly what he says, but he basically calls the Girl Scout troop, he calls them skanks. Yeah, skeeves. No, I think skeeves was his buddy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He called, he said, nobody, he said something along the lines of nobody's going to be buying your skanky ass cookies. He calls them skanky cookies. Yeah, because they taste like shit. Implying that the Girl Scout troop is a bunch of skanks. Okay. It was vicious, uncalled for, and honestly, he deserved to get his ass kicked. Oh, listen, I loved everything about deserved to get his ass kicked oh i i listen i loved everything about

those boys getting their ass kicked but i i also had sorry maybe i like that i actually do like this movie because i also like the next the next morning also really cracked me up brandon because he feeds them gre oh yeah and then red four just comes over and starts pulling, just slowly pulls the tablecloth off with everything on it. It's Red 4! What are you doing? Oh, man, I really cracked up. And then that's when the Merninator calls that they're going to be late for school and they're going to be in so much trouble. And then this is oh my god this is where we got to talk about the merninator because we got to pause for everything that that

guy said in this movie was gold like the big vice principal murphy was fantastic the best always said these kids needed a parole officer guess mrs plumber finally thought so too the best line he has is during this whole office scene when he's like introducing himself and he's like assistant principal uh whatever his name is mernie and he goes my friends call me little puppet which what what what is what does that mean he what is What the fuck does that mean? It's, I mean, it's... Is that like a, like... Hold on. Before we get into that, there's also, wow, you've got a real upper torso going on.

Ever do any time? It's like, and then he calls him Sasquatch. And the kid goes Sasquatch. And he's like yelling at the kid. And then he turns back and he goes to Vin Diesel. He's like, looks like you have a pair of legs coming out of your shoulders. Oh, my God. I loved it. And then this is where we get.

And then the kid is like Wooly Mammoth. And he goes, all right creeper you earned yourself more time on the mats with the merninator so so he he not only does he call this kid creeper as a nickname but he wrestles him as a punishment i guess they don't show it they don't show actual wrestling practice but i guarantee you the entirety of every wrestling practice is just him wrestling a kid. Oh, my God. Absolutely.

Oh, okay, babysitter. Whatever job you could get, huh? Just remember my friends call me little puppet. VP in charge of discipline. You're at my house now strong man oh it's absolutely insane it's just it that's the merninator being absolutely off his rocker is the absolute highlight of this whole movie just just calling the kid creeper creeper mystery wrestling practice 22 out of 23 uh wrestling practices in the oh my god it

just everything is fantastic and then the the baloney bandit yeah oh my god him just uh anyways it's just in the and how she describes him as harmless, hairy, and tenured. You know who the baloney bandit is, though, right? Her ex-boyfriend. Yeah. You know who that is, though, right? No. Did you ever watch the fantastic Disney Channel original movie, Alley Cat Strike?

Oh, my God. That's the main guy. No. Yeah, my God. That's the main guy. No. Yeah. Next to Kaylee Cucumo or whatever her name is from Big Bang Theory. She's from Nebraska. I think that's how you say it. No.

Kaylee Cuoco. Oh. I think that's how you say it. I like to think about it like the Beach Boys song. You didn't say it like that, though. That's Kaylee Cucumo. Well, because I know it's not i was trying to say it right but like with my brain i always think down to coca aruba jamaica

you're not even singing you're not even singing the lyrics right yeah it's coco mo yeah so i said coco mo no you said coco and then you stopped and you switched into the you didn't why did you got excited for the arubas and the jamaicas and the i want to take yes this is good charlotte all over again whatever brandon you don't know about music i can tell you that right now oh my god i just um yeah that that i just love the money and then we gotta move and then we gotta just jump right into where he's watching the kids on the playground with the binoculars because we get more prime time merninator where vin diesel goes to break up the wrestling kids picking on the creeper and and mern comes out it's like ah kids getting, kid's getting bullied. He's like, hey, boys will be boys. He says that like five times.

And he's like, it's good for the creeper to get him pumped up and defend himself. And then says, you know, the odds are never pretty, but look at it as preparation. The naked streets of Bethesda can be so dark and dangerous. Right, creeper oh my god dude you and mern would be best friends brandon i feel like you guys would just be you know little greco-roman wrestling on the weekends oh i would destroy them right now oh my god wait hold on I almost forgot the coup de grace

when he says pretty quick there frog man I have a black belt that's why I coach wrestling why does he keep calling him frog man I don't know I don't know but the fact that he does like the and then goes sensei

the best part so right after that he goes see what that was total control i don't i don't know what to do with the merninator man that guy was awesome so that one was good then he has another uh there's another uh confrontation they have at school a couple days later right that's and that's when he does uh the that's when they challenge he challenges to be a fight or is that still this one uh that's that's uh that's later that's later that's when he does the mess with the bull get the horns yeah the most insane um i all it also did crack me up though like when uh another lulu highlight when she pages him after he gets out of the shower and he goes like flying down and it's the fireflies and she's like told you he had boobs all right i laughed incredibly hard I had issues with that

I had issues with Vin Diesel In a towel in front of the little girls That was weird Yeah I mean granted He didn't know the fireflies were there But you still had Lulu And then you have what's her name The older girl

As the babysitter Zoe as the babysitter Let's wrap this up here vin there's no time to be going shirtless with a towel yeah that's you know just yeah anyways highly um the uh but that and then this is where uh the the boys they did call them skanky cookies you're right brayden that's yeah i got it in the notes that's uh but he does he does say hey skeever what glows in the dark and uh and tries to squish or something and it says fireflies what glows in the dark and is easy to squish and is easy to squish i didn't

have good notes there but anyways um and then when and then the party the uh the party is good stuff you know that just he he earned some respect from those kiddos makes him clean the house yeah well that's when you find out that he's the the the boy toy is the baloney bandit he also he also has a line in there where zoe zoe like runs up to him and it's like hey we need to talk and he goes don't hate the player hit the game that's just absurd uh but this is because he because he finds when the girl is putting the DVDs away and arrests this scientist, found an illegal burnt copy of Ghost DVD. And Vin Diesel thinks that's the Ghost Protocol program.

And so do the North Korean neighbors who attack. Did you see what he was wearing throughout this whole entire? White t-shirt, khaki pants. What kind of pants though? Oh, cargoes. There you go. Well, I mean, no surprise to us that Vin Diesel has cargo. Yeah.

This movie was endorsed and paid for by Big Cargo. It is a ringing endorsement of Cargo Pants. Old Navy in their finest hour. So anyways, the fight scene in the bedroom was good when he fights with the brooms and all that stuff and then then north then the family is like oh my god we're so glad that this big vin diesel dude is coming to protect us but the next scene afterwards is fantastic because the girl crashes the driver's ed car because she thinks there's a bee. And the Merninator, we get more Merninator highlights, and that's why it's my favorite,

is that they were parallel parking and the instructor jumped from the car. That was really good. Yeah. That was really good yeah that was really good and then um and this is where they found the dyed blonde hair and i have to ask you about this line from the merninator because he goes you know if it's a girly magazine or a hamster you know boys will be boys yeah was he implying what i thought he was implying there with the hamster? What are you implying?

Have you ever seen the Lemmingwinks episode of South Park? No, I don't think I have. We won't go into it then. I doubt that's what he was implying. I know, but I was just, anyways, what in the world does that mean he's just carrying a hamster around but yeah this is when

the fucking Nazi headband or armband but I had so I've seen this movie before I can completely spaced the, uh, the whole, um, sound of music aspect though. I completely forgot about that. So when they pulled out the fucking Nazi armband, I was like, no,

no way. And so the whole time, the whole first half of this movie, the dude has the worst haircut on and has the the grossest looking like nerdiest little beanie hat with a bill that he's wearing um and the whole time i was thinking why is he what what a weird choice what a weird fashion choice to ever wear this and then i realized oh it's just it's they're trying to hide his blonde hair until half until he gets a hair um that's why the the terrible haircut he had was obviously a wig now um they could have done better though with their wig oh they could have done way better um but yeah i just threw everything off i was like he looks fucking terrible and then he

finally had the dyed hair and took the took the wig off so that was nice but yeah this is where then afterwards when the kid breaks out using the refrigerator magnet we figure out he is in a production of the sound of music that's just like a community production right oh yeah because the lady he's singing to you about being 16 is clearly 45 yeah yeah and i love she was fucking cracking me up because he drops her and she gets up looks him in the eye and goes if you drop me again i'm gonna fucking kill you i i wrote that down too i also really cracked up with the director just wigging out falling through the set and being and then obviously i quit exit stage right and then she's like listen man if

you drop me you know i will kill you like i'm going to end your life if you drop like it was that was an adult threatening a child yeah that was a that was a grown-ass woman threatening a 16 year old kid really good really good stuff uh and then and then uh vin diesel becomes the director after that you know there's uh there's hey listen brandon if we're gonna do things it's gonna be my way no highway option i i wrote that down i hated that was i hated that it's such a lame okay no brandon this podcast is going to be done my way no highway option i'm going to start saying that to you from now on it's not this podcast is in no way shape or form has ever been your way my way no highway option sir

you can start doing all the back and stuff then all the way right and let's not get carried away that's not that's not getting carried away hey uh as i did also uh another lulu highlight for me it was when he's telling her the bedtime story but he's like doing like one of his military stories just putting elves in there yeah elves uh are giving heavy suppressive fire none of the elves are left behind that day we got them all even the tiniest elf of all rodriguez that really cracked me up the lulu stuff was fantastic man she was the highlight they just said there was this movie is just not good there's just the lulu stuff is great the murder nigger stuff is great there's just so much dead wasted time in between all of

those that it just is such a slog to get through it's so boring yeah well because like that because like all right so in between this it's just zoe drives to school and then they all freak out because it was so bad and then they're just kind of standing there and then the merninator is back again and he's dragging the creeper with him. And he's like, hey, I caught the creeper dancing under the bleachers to no music. Like it was a crime. Someone's got to give this punk a talking to. Got something to say, Twinkle Toes? And this is also, Brandon, this is some sage advice then I need you to listen to this

if you ever if you're ever thinking about quitting you know why you quit because you're a quitter because everyone knows quitters quit also uh another oh my god I'm so sorry to laugh again but the merninator tells vin diesel again um this is like giving up wrestling to be in a musical this is what happens when there is no man in the house and um the kid is like oh i'm the man he's like oh you think you're tough you want to shave the tiger well the kid sticks up for himself he goes i am the man he's like oh you think you're tough you want to shave the tiger well yeah the kid sticks up for himself he goes I am the man of the house and he

the murderinator responds with oh it must be a tiny house yeah the murderinator is fantastic and this is where this is where they agree to do the wrestling match and this is it's gonna happen after school I did love that line though you want

to shave the tiger the the merninator 10 out of 10 all day 10 out of 10 the wrestling the wrestling scene after school is fantastic too did you see i loved this there was a kid in the stands who had a john 316 sign i did see that i did see that oh my god so good uh oh this is okay so but that's sorry to close that scene um they agree to wrestle and then this mess of the bull you get the horns and it's really good stuff. And but like when we get to the gym, the Merninator is hamming it up like he is on fire in preparation for this fight. You're about to enter Mernie's house of pain. Let's go over the rules cue ball rule number one and then uh this is where i've been this whole scene was very hard to watch

prison rules i'll be your daddy now you've unlocked the beast yeah and then but this whole scene was very hard to watch with ben diesel just like he takes over the chicken wing then the arm bar and then the pacifier which is what the movie's name yeah but it's it's like the three weakest moves of all time and he does them not correctly. Yeah. Yeah. And then his little fucking one-liners to the gym are terrible. Wait, so you're saying you didn't like the nipple crippler?

No. Shocker. A hater doesn't like it. He had no reaction to that. He had no reaction to that. He had no reaction to the purple nurple. At all. Which was very concerning.

Do you... Do you think something happened in a mission? He just lost all feeling in his nipples? I think his pecs are just too big. He just can't feel. Yeah, his nipples don't have any feeling. Yeah. Can you hear Catesse yelling underneath the desk you're good he's being the worst um so but this after is where in my notes i say we get the montage with simple plans and uh and yeah um they finally guess the password in Switzerland,

and Vin Diesel gives Zoe a nice father-daughter talk. It's good stuff. I mean, it was an okay father-daughter talk. It was not very – it was very woke liberal bullshit that he was telling her. Oh, my God. Jeez. Okay. Jeez, Brandon.

All right. I have in my notes. Suck it up. It's not okay to miss your dad. Anyways, so we can just skip to the end because Shane finds. Sorry, Jesse is messing with me. Shane is, is finds the secret compartment and they, they realize that the key that they found in Switzerland is,

is the key to the secret compartment in the garage that the duck gets his foot stuck in um and then this is where mom comes home and the sound of music is playing how do you feel about cat jesse talking into the mic right now or trying to she's got some solid points you know yeah yeah listeners cat jesse is uh fully involved in the podcast at this moment in time just right right in the mic, making some purrs. But the mic, I think, is good enough to drown it out. I'm going to have to give her an episode credit. Well, first of all, it's Cat Jesse. He's a boy.

That's true, my bad. But I'm going to have to give him an episode credit here. Yeah, oh, absolutely. I mean, he's doing good work over here i i actually the reason he's in here is because his food bowl is i think was empty when i was kind of getting in here so he's about to get real fussy and start fucking with josie if we don't feed him soon flapjack uh i took flapjack to the vet yesterday um everything checked out except he's he's fat um so the lady was talking about like um you know food to switch to or whatever like and then like cut back on his food haven't even haven't even attempted to put this dude on a diet yet right but later that he must have i said he must he must have heard and understood what was going on because later that day, I'm eating dinner, and apparently there was like a paper towel on top of the trash can or whatever.

So he finished eating his dinner, and apparently he had understood what was going on. He was like, that's not enough food. They're fucking trying to starve me here. So he walked over to the trash can wolfed down the paper towel nice and i tried to like go over and grab it uh and like get it away from him and he fucking bit me not like not like hard he just like no no he snapped at you a little bit yeah like great grace my little my pinky a little bit um but like nothing crazy but yeah it was like it's like dude i had like i

haven't even put you on like how you act like you're starving what's gonna happen when i actually put you on a diet you're gonna be a fucking just a menace to society dude yeah absolutely oh my god that's chaos yeah fuck that guy dude oh my god uh okay so let's we can just this is going to be the fastest movie we ever talked about like i don't hate this movie but like weirdly it's like you said there's just nothing there's so many montages that like it just it just absolutely um like it just moves so fast but like nothing really happens the biggest highlights are the merninator just talking shit to everyone we're basically through everything we're to you know because he finds a secret apartment yeah the mom the mom come home as we get the double cross from his boss yeah

exactly real sad yep and then that's when the you find out the neighbors are the people that have been trying to break in and are working with the, the backstabbing Marine guy. Yeah. And then we get the, and then we go down, there's a fucking massive, like elaborate safe thing that he has this,

this thing in, which is just crazy. It's like a spike. It was like a spy kids level fucking um safe and that's and we figure out that the the key the password is is not the peter panda dance is the peter panda dance which he's been learning for peter yeah for the past couple that's the only way he'll because they they say they say when they're at when the mom and the the marine guy are at the bank right before they finally figure it out they say they've been there for two weeks

yeah he spent two weeks with his family yeah got real close you know that's why him and lulu i think is thieves oh yeah and two weeks of the peter panda dance he's gonna get it down yeah he's got this yeah and then uh and then long story oh my god and so the kids escape the dude and then they go on a high-speed police chase to get the cops to come to their house for backup and uh uh then god and then this is this is a really i forgot how terrible the ending was this movie because they go on a high-speed police chase to bring the cops so all the cops come rushing but vin diesel has taken out the lady and the backstabbing general guy and so they're just standing there and so all the cops rush up and they hold up vincey's like no no no no and then the north korean dude comes back and he makes all the police drop

their guns because he has a huge machine gun only for lauren graham to come flying out of the bushes and take him out uh with her petty officer first class karate moves. And then she lays the line on everybody, or on Vin Diesel after she does that. She goes, couldn't let you have all the fun. We didn't really talk about Lauren Graham much during this, but she is the principal of the

kids school. She's the Mernonator's boss. Yeah, Mernonator's boss yeah bernadette's boss but gives sage wisdom to vin diesel to help him relate to the kids and then wants to not just wisdom yeah well she's hitting on him the whole entire time yeah she's okay she really laid it on thick at the end though well yeah but that's because now that, you know, now there's no conflict of interest. Now we're, now it's fucking go time, you know? Yeah. It's go time.

My God, Brandon. Anyways, and then, you know, they're like, oh, Shane, you got to leave. No, Brandon, one last mission. It's the directing the play. Directing the play. And then he becomes the wrestling coach too at the end right that's why he stays along yeah because

the Merninator either quits or gets fired because he found his true calling which is acting because he was a nun in the play yeah yeah the kissing scene yeah um yeah the kissing scene

between Vin Diesel and Lauren Graham was real rough um do you think they like each other I don't know if Vin Diesel is capable of liking other people honestly just one of those guys no I'm sure they liked each other but it was it was

awkward um just between them because it was just like an awkward kiss the chemistry wasn't fully there but then also the the way they set the scene up where he like they're about to kiss and then he gets called away and then he's like no wait hold wait, hold on, wait, hold, wait, hold on. He kind of goes, you know, there's, it was a weird, it was a weird scene set up that did not help them with the awkwardness of their kiss. Yeah. Well, whatever. But saves the day. Ghost protocol is safe from the north koreans so now america can use it um because

you know what's another military weapon that we we don't need oh geez um well and and weirdly enough brandon we flew through this movie because it's not it's not good this is the shortest we've ever spent on a movie but there's just not a lot of like talking points you know like there's not it's not good this is the shortest we've ever spent on a movie but there's just not a lot of like talking points you know like there's not a ton of like the outside of the merninator being absolutely next level awesome who is the actor that plays him what's his name it's brad garrett from two not for two and a half men everybody loves raymond everybody loves raymond why don't i keep accidentally calling it two-up men. And then he's a, he does,

he's a real, he's a real big like voice actor. He does voices for cartoons and video games and all that kind of stuff. A bunch. What's his name again? Brad Garrett. Brad Garrett. Okay.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah oh okay yeah Tangled Ratatouille Christopher Robin Harriet the Spy okay he's in a lot of stuff you're right big time voice actor

Wreck-It Ralph yeah Binding Dory. My God. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He's in a lot of stuff. He's a good guy. Good actor. Actually, I don't know if he's a good guy.

Do we know if he's a good guy? I haven't heard anything to the contrary, but you never know. I mean, I feel like, you know, Hollywood, about 75%, 80% are not good people. Sure, sure. Yeah, so there you go. There's, you know, I was actually looking forward to us doing this movie, but, like, yeah, I really don't have too much to say. Merninator was awesome.

It's an awesome movie if you're just hanging out and you just need something on the back that's easy. It's not, though. It is. It is, Brandon. You know, you gotta be nice to it there, because it's good enough to

just be like, alright. It's out in the background. It's not. It's not a good movie it is um it's just there it's just there it should be there or be square it serves no no purpose it brings no value it just it's just there you know well i think you're wrong but uh what's your cakey rating um my cakey rating is a 1.1 that's my cakey rating 1.1 i mean this is this is probably one of the shortest times you've ever talked to me about a movie.

It's not good. It's not good. It's crazy. It's not good. I've seen this movie a hundred times, too. Like, I really have, because it's just like one of those where it's like, you know, like even me and Big Mike are playing pool, and it's just like, fuck it.

We need something that my mom's not going to complain about to put on. Because it's just, it's so. I thought it was a lot better. I remember it being a lot a lot better it's just i remember this movie being really good yeah i just i got it's it's it's bad um but it's bad in the most boring way possible so i just i got nothing to say i got nothing yeah there, you know, it's just. I'm, I'm still going to give it. I'm being down. I'm broken teeth.

This movie. I'm still going to give it a two. What the problem is, is that it was just, it's, it's not bad and it's not great. It's just like, it's fine. Right. And so then, so it's not like a bad movie where we can scream about it the whole time about like Jesus Christ is, and it's not like a bad movie where we can scream about it the whole time about like Jesus Christ. And it's not like amazing. So it's not like and it's not like one of those where we've watched it for the first time where like turbulence, right?

Or rollerball where it's like, what in the world is this movie? There's nothing like crazy. There's no crazy. There's nothing crazy going on other than like the weird the weird the weird safe thing at the end with how like elaborate that was yeah uh but that's just normal like kids movie spy kids shenanigans yeah you could you could you could tell besides brad garrett because he was crushing this before performance even like lauren graham vin diesel everybody else in this movie we're going we're just going through the motions like we're just we're here to cash check let's keep it moving

yeah it's a bit half-hearted for mom yeah this was right in the the doles like i said this is after fast and the furious is after triple x this isn't like that kind of like down in the dumps vin diesel time before he went back to fast and furious yeah um so he's just kind of like i said i think he's just taking whatever he can for a paycheck and we're we're pushing through here yeah i agree uh my kinky rating i'm giving it a 2.85. 2.8? Jesus Christ, that's way too high. No, I almost gave it a three, Brandon. I knocked it down a little bit because as we talked about it, I was like, man.

And then what? Go ahead. So you gave Turbulence a three. There's no way this movie is anywhere close to Turbulence. No, I would put it up there. I like this movie, Brandon. It's super rewatchable for me in my brain. I don't know why. It's so rewatchable.

I will never think about this movie ever again in my life. If I have to take a nap and I know I'm going to fall asleep in the first five minutes, I'm putting this movie on. Fair enough. Fair enough. It's a fantastic nap movie.

And then when simple plan comes on in the montage they'll kind of wake you up good charlotte comes on in the montage and you just lifestyle the rich and the famous or no that's not the song that they sing what was the song that they sang in the montage you're i always i always because you made me sing lifestyles of the rich and the famous so that's what was stuck in my head always you're doing a bit when you do this and you never are your memory is just so terrible no it's because you made me sing the life sounds of the rich and the famous and when it's the hold on let me think oh the anthem damn it i would have never gotten there back there damn it another loser anthem whoa right that's okay yeah i always i always think you're doing

a fucking bit and it never turns out to be a bit no because but like you can see why my wires got crossed there on accident though right with the songs sure this is whatever damn it thanks for listening everyone please remember to follow and like us on Instagram at TheCakeEatersPod, on Twitter at TheCakeEaters. Also reach out to us via email, TheCakeEatersPod at gmail.com or visit our website, TheCakeEatersPod.com.