The Cake Eaters - 83. D3: The Mighty Ducks - Part 3

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

Heath & Brandon continue talking D3: The Mighty Ducks! Today’s episode goes over minutes 21-30. Heath gives us a jingle for Hans' Skate Shop, then the boys discuss school lunches, dress codes, character nicknames, Brandon's most athletic award, Coach Orion's speeches, and we end with Jersey Time presented by Heath. Follow us on Instagram @thecakeeaterspod Email us at [e-mail]

It's not worth winning if you can't win! Yeah! Do you think Han Skate Shop had like a slogan or like a little radio ad? Oh, a thousand percent. At Han Skate Shop, this is the best shop around. That was pretty solid. That was pretty fucking solid. Han Skate Shop, the best shop. Wait, shot wait i forgot what i said my first time so good and it for sure so not to skip ahead a little bit this dude hans is a radio fiend he's

listening to jv high school hockey on the radio it's fantastic you gotta believe he's got a radio ad he's probably got a radio ad during the games oh oh my oh my god you're right oh dude that's a you know because because even tacos and more had a radio ad tacos and more come see what's cooking would have liked it better if it rhymed but well that's you just needed to come see what was cooking at Tacos and More, Brandon. Hans Skate Shop. Come and shop. The best shop around. Rooted, do-do-do.

Minneapolis. That's pretty solid. I like it. I think I missed my calling. We should try to put that together. If anything, I'll make that. we'll turn that into a shirt yeah okay yeah i love that but we can we could for sure we could for sure turn that into a real legit jingle yeah we're going to it's it's we'll workshop it we'll workshop it a little bit before the next episode um should we tell the

people who we are this is the cake you just podcast everybody my name is brandon i have as always my co-host heath with me who is to do the heath the jingle writer i was gonna say i was gonna you know make that as uh as i see your last name and bookend it but i don't know if we've i don't know if we've said last names on this i don't know if we doxed ourselves yet no we haven't doxed ourselves it's not that hard to figure out no but we've gently referenced your last name i think just you know the first part of it but either either way um i do honestly feel like i miss my calling as a not only a radio vj but a jingle writer i had a fun fact brandon i actually had a professor at the university of nebraska at lincoln talk me out of going to school there because i wanted to go into their radio program and he just completely talked me out of it on my visit he was like yeah

not going to be a lot of jobs in the next 10 years it's all going to go digital so i don't know if you'd really want to you know waste your time with it and i was like oh fuck me okay i'll do something else i mean he wasn't he wasn't he wasn't wrong he wasn't completely wrong but there's still radio people everywhere i mean now you know it's it's big listen big mike loves some freaking kg 95 morning radio every time i go back there and visit it's wild like there's people that talk and then it is just the craziest mix of pop music from the 80s to present so it'll be like just like a prayer i wanna take you there and then all of a sudden it's like um come and be a firework.

And then it's like a virgin. It's just the craziest shit to like wake up to in the morning. But he swears by it. And we have a lot of fun because he likes like the contests they do in between where they do like ask people questions. And then he likes it because I know weird random pop culture references all the time. So he's like, you should call it man you know this stuff is that uh like a legit local one because most of the most of the city okay god damn it it's it's for sioux city iowa but that's the closest big town to wayne america you know that's still that's a good place that's more local than than most yeah i mean you know luckily for nebraska it lives old school and there's still that's a good place that's more local than than most yeah i mean you know

luckily for nebraska it lives old school and there's still a lot of local radio there especially for like the like like like my parents listen to wayne high school basketball games all the time yeah do they listen to jv like holland's i don't think the jvs get get on the radio, you know, like it's, it's not, it's not Minnesota hockey level. Like it's JVs don't usually get on the radio. That's fair. That's fair. All right. All right. Should we dig into part three? Tell, tell the people what our timing is before we get into it. Our timestamp for part three is minute 21, 17 seconds to minute 29, 32 seconds. Right after the fucking best. We end with the best

speech ever. I cannot wait, Brandon. You got it right. Am I on the right one? What do you mean? We end with the best. Oh, this part you're talking about, the defense speech. Oh my God. I can't wait. I wrote it down verbatim you're gonna let me do it okay because i because i have some thoughts i love coach around

but i have some thoughts oh i love this i was about the about the gibberish that he's fucking shouting at these kids no way that's what you do as a as a motivated coach like it doesn't have to make sense it just has to get him fired up actually it doesn't make any sense though he should talk he doesn't he's name one coach that's ever made sense when they when they talk to you uh coach boone denzel washington remember the titans oh geez i you know what my favorite like coach like talk was is mr mr e r.i.p shout out but he would always be like now son we got a little bit of a problem here why does he sound like obama that's how he talks he would be like i'm gonna tell you something right now we got a little case i didn't

know i didn't know you could do the mouth it's like that that diarrhea of the mouth it's gonna get you in trouble because you just got a whole bunch of stuff running out of there right now did you know you could do an obama that's a pretty i don't do that i didn't know that's what he sounded like but that's that's mr e dude he was the best sometimes i would do voices in the drive-thru at tacos and more don't listen sandra but i would do different voices like i do like forrest gump that gave her talk stop at a tacos and more how can i help you i used to uh i never worked uh like fast food for the drive-thrus but i did work at a few different um like amusement park stuff where you had to do like uh the the safety

shit over the voiceover overlay nice and my favorite thing to do especially for like the more date like the roller coasters and the more dangerous ones was to hold the mic as close hold the mic as close to my mouth as I could see nobody could understand But you do that you do that all the way But you do it all the way through like you you make it unintelligible all the way through the end and then you end with a perfectly Like a perfectly intelligible. Okay, have fun So like that's actually kind of me but that's the only thing they understand yeah

that was that was my move i can't do i can't do voices or like impressions or or accents that's just not not a talent that i that i have i used to be able to do a lot more as a kid because i was really weird and i would like make noises in the mirror because you know it's the 90s and we didn't have a lot going on in way america um but that's how i learned how to do kermit the frog i'd be like um kermie the frog here why are there so many songs about rainbows okay let's let's let's all right hold on Let's set the scene because I freaking loved where we started. We ended part two with the very end of the first practice, right? Yep, yep.

And Charlie is in the box just stewing away. This is not right. He's running laps. Running laps. That's what I meant. Running laps. He's in the box at the end of this part. Yeah, man.. He's running laps. Running laps. That's what I meant. Running laps. He's in the box at the end of this part. Yeah, man.

I'm getting mixed up. Sorry. But he's doing laps and then they all go into the locker room. We figure out the starting lineup. You know, Charlie has officially been stripped of the captain. See?

Dunzo. See ya. So then for part three, start with charlie wandering into uh han skate shop the best shop around oh my god the best shop around dude me and me and me and uh me and andy from the office would would freaking rip on uh he could go he could go high i could go low that'd be that low. That'd be, that'd be real nice. All right. So, but this is, I also started my notes with a very similar thought pattern, Brandon.

I was like, we enter with Charlie doing a slow mosey into Hans skate shop, the best shop around. And then Hans, this is fantastic too because hans just goes school was not fun today charlie and how'd you know it was me this is my this is a great line i fucking love this line i'm obsessed with it only two people can open a door so sadly it was such an amazing line right like he just but like that just goes back to the like Hans has like magical

spirit guide superpowers that he can sense the sadness of his Padawans as they like walk through the door just from the way the door opens he knows what's going on but the best ones is that he knows what's going on you know but the best was is that he it's like he knew charlie would be coming it's like he could sense it right because

he had the ketchup bottle set up ready to go and he says one more pass well that's just oh i i imagine he has that ketchup bottle there 24 7 because that's his move he because he does that he does that with bombay and uh like you know that's that's his move. He does that with Bombay. That's his move. He lives the Brandon life. What do we say, Brandon? When you live the Brandon life. Stay ready. You don't have to get ready. He never has to get that ketchup bottle ready.

Oh my god. I've really done it this time, Charlie. Can you get me a tourniquet? So good when he said that and charlie was just so mad he was having none of it that was like the best part to me he was just like knock it off hans wipe the ketchup off and stop trying to cheer me up so you can tell you can tell how often he does that move because charlie didn't even didn't even like phase him at all because like normally you'd at least be like all right hey hey we didn't even didn't even like phase him at all because like normally you'd at least be like all right hey we didn't actually cut our finger this time old man did we like this

is oh my gosh and then oh well i kept accidentally typing ted o'brien in my notes but this is uh this is where i know but this is where the disrespect he was like you know school is a nightmare our new hockey coach is a big jerk face and and he's like do you know anything about this guy and he's like and this is where i need to go into a rant really quick brandon because hans says to charlie after charlie asks if he knows who this guy is he he says he played in the NHL. He left the game for the North Stars. And so he already knows this. Bombay told him that too, right?

Yes. And this is my disconnect with Charlie here. Because if you are a captain on a team captain if you had that kind of mentality brandon you would see this as wow this dude played in the nhl i would guess that he probably knows what he's doing you know who else played in the nhl who wolf the dentist stanton you gonna trust that guy yeah look at how successful team iceland was look at how well coached they were until the final game i would start to ducksing it up in the second period and the bash brothers just took them out of their out of their game brandon you

know like this one off i would trust setting i would trust the dentist with my life absolutely i would especially trust him more with my children at a long extended stay, because as we saw with Bombay, that was the loosest fucking ship we've ever seen. And the kids were just running rampant all over the place. Anyways, my beef with Charlie is that he has an NHL player, former NHL player. And that motherfucker is acting like, well well he doesn't understand the ducks way maybe the ducks way doesn't get you to the nhl charlie so shut up for five seconds quit being the worst and listen to the guy just play some goddamn defense it's not that hard it's like he's not asking a ton just play a little fucking defense he's not he's not the miami dolphins of the nfl

like they're all sizzle no steak like they can run it up when the team sucks but if you put them in some cold weather they're gonna shrivel they're a finesse bitch team for sure yeah so anyway sorry i just that's a fair beef coach orion isn't asking too much you're right he does. Orion does come in real hot and a bit, a bit. What's the word? Not like disrespectful, but a bit abrasive. One million percent. He could have softened the blow because these are children, not NHL players.

Right. What's he say? He says, no, they're not children anymore. They're not little baby ducks. They're warriors. Come on, brother. He's not going to treat them like ducks. Little babies. anymore yeah they're not little baby ducks they're fucking warriors dude come on brother he's not gonna treat them like ducks like little babies heath and i don't know baby go go play go go play junior hockey with bombay if you want to be a fucking baby anyways i just i just had a lot

because he's like he's no duck it's like well no he's no, he's not. He's an NHL player. Hans has a great quote at the very end of this interaction. Because Charlie, he's complaining and he goes, Hans says something like, you should try to show him the way, Charlie. And he goes, well, I don't know if he's open to learning new things or something like that. New learning experiences, yeah. And Hans replies with, well, the well the question charlie is are you mic drop mic drop i put that

after on my notes was like that's some spirit guide shit right there yeah that's what i'm saying yeah it was a really fantastic moment i fucking missed that's the only the not the only i mean we we talked in length about some of the the yawns versus hans uh well i was to say some of the the missteps they did in d2 but yeah having to switch out hans and yawn in d2 because hans would have been i missed hans in d2 he would have been he would have fucking he would have been a little bit better as much as i love yawn got no problems with yawn he's a solid solid guy but his his spirit guidance is not quite he's not as like um what's the word he's not as like mythical as hans is hans has that like you know that mysterious fog about him where you're not quite sure

and he kind of speaks in like riddles and yeah exactly he speaks in riddles and and has like all of his little things i don't know yeah and you know i mean he's just a big strudel head to yawn you know we need that we talked about that but but like fantastic fantastic points right um but then after that i also love this just the more we watch these movies and i know i talked about it last time but my god there's so many heath as a teenager averman like moments in time that i just i you know what i mean like i like my god there are so many things that averman does and i was like especially like in this movie everything he says is like just a like gently snarky but not like does and i was like especially like in this movie everything he says is like just a

like gently snarky but not like shitty and that was like my mo like all my old teachers told my mom when she started working at the school they're like you know he was an interesting character in school he always liked to uh he always knew the line and so he'd push right up against it he would just push right up against it but he never crossed it everyone else would cross it and get in trouble he could set like it was like i could sense their like losing of patience and i would just so i would kind of start it but i would never finish it i'll say i was uh i was a finisher for shows i was a known line crosser yeah i am i'm a uh i'm an instigator so i i start i start the shenanigans but then once i see it snowballing a little bit i'm like oh see i i wait till i wait till that snowball is rolling and then

i hop on really speaks a lot to our personalities doesn't it but anyways all right so we get goldberg and averman in the cafeteria. This cafeteria. Oh, my God. What did you say? I put, this is some wild-ass rich kid school food. My God. They have to be paying for it, though, right?

Yeah. Because kids can't. We didn't pay for your school food. We had to pay for our school food when I was a kid. Didn't make it any better. I mean, you just learned to love it well no what I'm saying is because like so like with college like a meal stipend yeah that's what I

I'm assuming a prep school would maybe have a same thing where you like they they they tack on the food into the tuition or whatever yeah but I don't think they're doing that I think everybody's paying out of pocket for this because you have a ton of people that brought lunches which if you're getting it for free, what are you bringing a fucking lunch for? Yeah, because they must not have included it in their scholarship.

They must have had to add on the food plan. And you know Goldberg's adding on the food plan. Oh, dude. I mean, I would have had the food plan too. Mama D would have kept that. I literally put this in my notes, man. If I was working with a cafeteria like that, I'm for sure putting the food plan in mama d would have kept that yeah i literally put this in my notes man if i was working with a cafeteria like that i'm for sure putting the food plan in oh that was insane

there was so much food so much food they had hot dogs hamburgers there's mac and cheese goldberg had pasta salad i think there was a cheesecake on his plate and then like uh like breadsticks it was insane not to mention the whole tray of donuts he fucking brings julie the cat oh that was fantastic like the absolute massive tray of goodies like i don't i don't know like did you guys ever have like cream turkey at for school lunch i don't even know what cream turkey is it sounds terrible it sounds terrible and it like is the gravy's yellow and you don't really understand why the gravy's yellow but it is you know you know you know why it's yellow it's it's so incredibly good though brandon like it's like legendarily good at the schools and like it's

it looks like prison slot but my god i still i still think about cream turkey sometimes and how good that was. You know, we never had any, I always had for extra sandwiches. My mom was always very concerned that I was not getting an abscess during the day. And so I was, I was always ready. Like, Hey, he, we, we ran out of lunch money pretty quick this month. I was like, yeah, I got an extra sandwich every day this week. We never had my my my like schooling we never had any like good like real good stuff that they like made at the the cafeteria when i got into middle school um that's when like that the wave of like you know selling space like renting out your cafeteria space my district was real big on that so like our middle schools in my high school for sure um like there was a little chick

fil a window um where you can order like a chick-fil-a sandwich damn that was like a wild like big town stuff that i didn't even know existed. It's wild. It's more like dystopian capitalism, but we had like a subway, like a, like a makeshift, like, like half of like half of what you'd see at a normal subway. And yeah.

And there, so like, that's wild. There was that. Yeah. But it was, it was ridiculously expensive. We could,

we could leave campus at lunch. If you got a note from your parent and go out to eat and stuff. It was nice. Some kids would go. Even in like middle school? Not in middle school. I actually brought my lunch a lot until about middle school. And then I was like, listen, I'm tired of carrying this goddamn sack of lunch around.

I'll just choke down this food. I don't give a shit. They let us go off campus, I think, starting sophomore year sophomore year freshmen weren't allowed to go off but i think sophomores and up were once you get your car yeah but um speaking of speaking of packing lunch um our boy kenny i have in my notes kenny uh so kenny is from san francisco right he moves out here. He's rocking the dorm. And he's packing his own lunch, dude. I have in my notes, Kenny Kenny Wu is

more... I guarantee you, Kenny Wu, he's in the dorm by himself. He's packing his own lunch, right? He has to be. There's no way his family is helping. That feels like a plot hole unless his family moved to Minnesota.

How is that a plot hole? Kenny Wu? I have it in my notes. Kenny Wu is more of an adult than I will ever be because he's in his own fucking dorm room packing his own lunch. He's probably making PB&Js because it was a very small bag. I didn't see what they stole from him, but it was

a very small bag. It was just chips. I from him but it was just chips I haven't written down it's like chip sandwich cookie yeah he's making PB and J's and he's got a bag of chips which is that's doable in a dorm I guess I did you like the conversation between Averman and Goldberg though where Averman is just like you can tell

he's sick of Goldberg bitching about Julie the cat I love how he goes Goldberg's like, you're saying I need to lose some weight? And Averman's like, honestly, it would be easier if everybody else gained weight. I love that. It might be easier for her

to gain a few pounds. That was really good stuff. But yeah, they grab his lunch. We get chips, cooking cooking sandwich and uh fulton then fulton charlie and russ come in and fulton's like i could maim that big goon did you like that dude he's gonna maim him and we're important we can take them all so we got a lot of talk from fulton not a lot of action here that's true true. But Charlie says they want lunch. We'll give them lunch.

And he tosses up a weird looking lunch for himself. Like, I don't know what's going on in Charlie's sack lunch, but that just looked like. Well, I'm honestly surprised he had it because I mean, we've established his mom. I love Casey Conway. Not the most attentive, you know. Maybe he's just got like a hoagie in there, you know. Maybe. I love Casey Conway. Not the most attentive. She's doing her best. He's just got like a hoagie in there. Maybe.

And then we know Charlie. Charlie is a fucking mess. Yeah, Charlie absolutely is a full-scale disaster. There's no other way to say that. And then my favorite was he goes, let's go, boys. And all I could do in my head was like, but like Shania Twain, you know, that would have been such a great fucking thing for them to put in there. Oh, my God.

I I just like I was just sitting here by myself, just like he like having my own little Heath laugh about it. Let's go boys. Oh, really good, really good stuff. But we see the petition girl. I forget what her name was again. Linda, Linda, Linda, Linda. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm positive. Cause I've had that whole little youtube clip stuck in my head for forever but she gets kicked out by the uh cheerleaders for sitting in their section and they're like you can't sit with us warrior cheerleaders are you one and i love this do i look like an idiot airhead that's a real fucking snarky ass comment yeah i thought that was fantastic but this is where we get your boy luis your favorite

the speedster and he is kind of turning into a little bit of trouble here like this is this is has trouble written all over it yeah it's a little little little suspect little suspect he has a little it's it's harmless until he starts crawling under uh exactly under tables because it was funny when she says go ahead sorry he crawls under the table and then he he breaks the fourth wall which was that was the most like 90s thing ever though right like to to break the fourth wall and the kids like this is this is the era of blank check right like we literally had a female cop grooming a small rich child like that's you know, this is not super far off for Disney's brand in this era. But I did like when she's like, you're crazy, you know that?

And he goes, loco? Yes, of course, for you. He has some good. Just give me five minutes after school and I will die a happy man. And she's like, she's at right at the beginning she goes the freshman girls are over there and he's like yeah but i'm looking for a real woman i just i died when she's like you're crazy and he's like loco yes i am that's that's great and then to skip ahead in the next part when he he runs into the wall and they're all checking if he's okay.

And then he starts speaking Spanish. That was great, too. So good. Oh, my God. It was so good. But, yeah, just, you know, we'll skip past Luis Creepin. It's just a, you know, a sign of the times. And we'll move on.

It did not age well. No, not at all. That's another reason why this movie is just not as good as the first two brandon but um anyways i i also could have done without charlie fulton and russ sitting on the sidewalk and then you just hear a horse fart and then they scoop to to show them scooping the poop the horse poop well how else would you know it's horse poop i guess i guess i what's it what's in the bag is like just grass yeah yeah it's i mean whatever that horse was eating that that that that 10 whoever was tending the horse needed to

get their shit together because that looked like some very unhealthy horse apples there's a lot of fucking horses on this campus they must have like a like a like a top-notch um what's it what's it called equestrian right yeah equestrian i i was assuming it's like you know security or like police you know how they know because when they when they show when they the very briefly when they show people riding them it's like students so i think it's like uh they just must have like a you know top-notch equestrian center they're you know fucking rich white people and they're fucking horses yeah i was just gonna say that's a typical rich thing there was a equestrian center by our apartment in um savannah out on wilmington island i'd go walk past it go check out the horses

there's a couple of question centers up by where I grew up. Even one of the neighborhoods, like just north of where I went to high school, there's like a couple like real rich, like real posh fucking neighborhoods. They're not really neighborhoods. It's more like all of the rich people were like, oh, this is a nice piece of land. Let me buy the land and build a house there. And of the rich people were like, oh, this is a nice piece of land. Let me buy it. Let me buy the land and build a house there. And then other rich people followed and like made their own little makeshift neighborhood.

But it's all like fucking, you know, like people who own construction companies and, you know, people who own all the McDonald's in the North Metro area. Those those those fucking people. Yeah, we hate them all. Fun fact, though, Brandon, I actually. Oh, go ahead i say they loved their horses they uh they all had fucking horses and they would even you would like drive into the neighborhood and there'd be like uh you know like there's like deer crossing signs there'd be like watch out watch out for the horses that are walking on the

street i mean that's fantastic i fun fact when i I was working for the city of Wayne and we would have the Wayne Chicken Days Parade, your boy would have to walk behind a flatbed and I would have to shovel up the horse poop after the parade. That was part of my job. And since it was a small town, people would yell and catcall and razz me as I was shoveling shit. Yeah. The poop guy. Yeah. I mean, I worked at the water wastewater department, so it was very fitting.

I had a very shitty college experience, one might say. Anyways. All right. So after that, we get Goldberg bringing the Cat Lady, which I'm only calling her the Cat Lady from here on out. I fucking loved it. Yes, the Cat Lady. And then a little later on when Orion asks you if she's got a furball.

I died. I was like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Good one. Oh, it's so good. The nicknames that they started calling people in this one are top notch because you got Goldie is great. cat cat lady is amazing i love it i the platter of of sweets that goldberg brought her though like that would have been hard to say no to like that was insane it was like it was like like donuts like sprinkled chocolate donuts yeah she was eating a canola that

was a cannoli right or something something like that it looked like some variation of a canola i don't think it was an actual cannoli because it looked like a pastry more that's right yeah it looked more more bread like yeah um but yeah but yeah there was just so yeah that was ridiculous it looked awesome but but you know my favorite he's like gonna need a lot of energy playing here you know carbo loading exactly this here full of energy give it a shot and he gives her that crazy pastry dude but whenever i think of carbo loading what do you what do you think of anything because i go straight for the michael scott fun run for the cure of rabies or whatever it's uh yeah the fun run race for the cure or something like that yeah yeah yeah when he's when he's just eating fucking alfredo pasta

carbo loading got a carbo yeah and then he refuses to drink water yeah oh my god i absolutely love yeah because that's one of the things of rabies if you're a water yeah anyways yeah i like these these scenes were pretty interesting were pretty funny the goldberg julie scene but it's like julie you gotta know just just take a just take one look at goldberg and realize this is not the man that we should be taking nutritional advice from. Yeah, nutritional advisor, I got your back. Not only is it your competition, but look at the shape of this young man. Yeah, he's your competition. He's gigantic.

And it's established he's a fucking asshole. Like he's kind of the worst, right? Did we not get to know him at all during d2 he's he's a piece of shit oh my god it's the this i so like this is where like sometimes i hated charlie and sometimes i love charlie like you know in this movie i'd go back and forth he the reason he sucks in this is because he falls into sad boy charlie and he he misses his uh all his you know all his potential goes away you gotta you know depression is a hell of a drug yeah but what i did love is when he's swinging his bag and uh the the

bully dude grabs and he's like oh come on my mommy made me brownies and then and then bolton's like fresh warm ones and then that's like hey it's too bad about your bash brother heard he is too scared to leave home portman ain't scared of nothing brandon it's true except for coming to eden hall not to be confused with ethan or seton hall good i've been doing since he wasn't it's true it's true yeah he wasn't scared to go to eden hall though he's just he's like if bombay's not gonna be there why the fuck would i be yeah and like portman and oh and uh orion i almost called him o'brien again damn it um they wouldn't have gotten along

no no no no no no disaster yeah horrid barely got along with bombay exactly but but my my favorite part of this interaction is when the the horse whinnies and he says ew what the hell kind of brownies are these and then charlie says it takes him way too long to figure out it's horse poop i agree because you would have smelt it as soon as they walked in with the bag right but my favorite is the way charlie says i gotta tell her to stop putting horse turds in the recipes you like kind of sing songs you know like it was it's a great well yeah great delivery so good he does that a couple times where that's a was it's a great way yeah great delivery so good he does that a couple times where that's a great it's a great it's a great prank first of all horse turns in the brown is

great yeah prank yeah every everything about that is fantastic and we see why we have josh jackson the future skull future pacey right like he's just got acting chops for days to be able to deliver that line in a way that just made it better that you know what i mean like the way he sings song that made it better than just the straight delivery would yeah yeah it's got that little hint of sarcasm and i think i mentioned this before but i believe he he's already done season one of Dawson's Creek before they did this so he's yeah he's full Pacey he's in the peak of his powers right now

yeah he's in his bag as the youths would say no cap dude no cap we sound like real fucking losers when we talk like that speak for yourself the youth love me well oh my god that's reframe uh the the linda gets her revenge in the end though because the

jocks they don't just uh drop the horse turd bag they give it they give it a toss into the cheerleader table this thing gets tossed around the lunchroom all over everyone's getting horse turd brownies like and that's it thanks for not let me sit there it's good stuff but i also really liked when the dean like they come sprinting out and then the dean comes in and the jocks are all like oh hey dean hey dean and and what is he wait hold on what is it oh nice nice nice tie have a lovely day and then the rest of the kids just absolutely smash him into the doors and he gets his first taste of what it feels like to be uh you know ducked up i guess one might say did you see uh i have in my notes this isn't really important at all but um did you see uh or not even did you see gee's outfit no no he's wearing like a nerdy

nerdy little sweater vest what a fucking nerd dude i mean i bet connie picked it out for him this is what happens when you're basically married in high school you know you just don't get a lot of camera time you're you're kind of being boring that's true yeah that's just how it is that's how it is but anyways so that was uh that was a fun little riot caused by the ducks and then we switch over to practice and this is a this is where the team is doing laps and coach orion slays it with this where it's work those legs gaffney where's your energy and then and then goldberg taps her and he's like one cupcake over the line huh cat lady she starts yeah she starts she starts throwing up barfing yeah and then charlie's of course crying about being a him

being a drill sergeant and then fulton tries to check him he's like hey don't play for the coach play for us man like quit being the yeah quit being the worst you know which makes sense and then this is where orion delivers the line of lions jilly the cat what's the matter you eat a fur ball fantastic stuff and then that's a goldberg furball good one coach just getting the net goldberg the capons have no business being as funny as they are but they give me every time every time i when he said the i was like oh how out of character for for coach orion to hit us with the furball joke with the cat lady no no no that's not out of character you don't think so no we are we first of all we barely know coach orion so far okay we've got we've gotten a very little glimpse into him other than him trying to establish dominance over charlie you know real pissing

contest between them yeah he's trying to alpha him you know well and he he does it's like you know i don't see a captain out here. Make him make the first move, Charlie. And then Charlie gets smoked. I got a question for you. Yeah. What the fuck does make him make the first move mean? I don't know. You want to attack the offensive player.

But that's you making the first move, though. How do you make somebody make the first move? I don't know you just jab at them this is the question I always ask myself in my dating life too but I wrote that down because I was like that doesn't you saying that

but sorry you saying that and knowing you like just it was so good that wasn't a joke that was that was yeah i know that's i couldn't help myself but start laughing so hard because like i could just anyways all right sorry keep going but it goes because because you're going to give us the speech here pretty soon but i like so good that when he says that it brought up the fact, and then you listen to the speeches he gives. He's, he said it's, he's spends a lot of time talking about defense,

but he never actually says anything worth worthwhile. He just, he's like, he doesn't give like actual defense, hockey defensive. He keeps shouting, make them make the first move, but he never tells you how to do that.

He keeps shouting and that's how you play defense, and then he never explains that. It's a lot of rah-rah nonsense that doesn't act like when you're thinking about it, and you're like, wait, he didn't actually tell us how to play defense. He's coaching like a politician where he just kind of talks around the subject to make it sound like he knows what he's talking about. Yeah. No, I say that as I fucking love. We've established I love Coach O'Ryan.

And eventually he does. You know, later on, he gets a little more understandable about what exactly he wants. But these first couple practice scenes, you're like, dude, what are we talking about here? Like, what do you want from me, coach? Like, we've never played fucking defense before. We're ducks yeah well that's what that's what choice is because i'm a i'm a scorer not a defender i've never played a lick of defense in my live bro help me out here this is that's what this is what the bash brothers were for you bastard uh but but we get some uh foreshadowing because charlie gets the puck behind the net

tries to clear it in front of the net he makes the cardinal the cardinal sin you can't you never clear it up the middle of the ice oh and then freeze freeze and then averman just and and the sound effect right like the screeching tire sound effect you know what i i did want to say though is uh averman was the one who crashed not luis so luis has that stop down officially if he can freeze when coach orion says freeze well i feel like luis is stopping much better well he he apparently he he fixed it at the end of two right yeah yeah well until spoiler alert yeah d2 fucking louis talking d3 it was spoiling d3 anyways well no no no i mean i was saying he was he supposedly figured it out at the end of d2 but if we if we fast forward you

know 10 minutes from this exact moment there's a there's an iffy iffy situation where he does not stop because luis is a fucking weirdo well and this is not even going that fast he's not even going that fast and and this is where i think you know coach o'ryan maybe could have done a little better job of getting a lay of the land before he came in hot so that he could, like, better understand how to get through to Charlie, who seems to be just having a hard time adjusting, you know, because, you know, he just starts chewing his ass, you know, what's the one place you'd ever want to clear the park? And then Charlie gets defensive because he's a baby. Yeah, but in O'Brien's defense, it's literally, that's like the Cardinal sin is to, you know, send that thing up the middle of the ice.

I'm not saying he's wrong. I'm saying that's what the boards are for. He's the goddamn boards. All I'm saying is, Brandon, is that if he got the chance to maybe get to know the team a little bit better before he just came in yelling at them all the time maybe charlie would have heard him more and you know that's just how the world works maybe but it's too late you can't go back now you got to double down yeah and that's where charlie is like i'm a defense man i'm not a

defense man i'm a scorer and and then he sits his ass down in the bench. And I love that. Had to. Had to be done. Can't yell at your coach. One time, I don't know if I told this story. Imagine if he would have done that to the dentist, dude. Oh, my God. Well, dentist would have just knocked his ass out, right?

Dentist probably would have killed him. Yeah. Skate to the neck, you know. Finish him. probably would have killed him yeah it's skate to the neck you know and just finish him but um fun fact one time at a bar i i was known in in certain coaching circles to have a little bit of a temper while playing sports particularly basketball and i was like a bull in a China shop. Like I didn't have a lot of grace, but I would fuck shit up. And one time at a camp, my coach pulled me out because I lost my temper and he made me, I went to sit down. He's like, he's like, go outside and clear your head. And I went to sit down. He's like, I am not joking. Get your ass outside and cool down before you come back in this gym.

And I had to go outside and cool down. You sound like a real problem. Oh, dude, I was a menace. You sound like a Draymond type. Yeah. Oh, actually, that is a very good description. I'll never forget, dude. I always used to get, like, punched in the back of the head a lot because people would get really mad at me because, like, I, you know, I'm like, like, it was there were a lot of big dudes I would play against.

Because you were punching them first. No, no, Brandon, because as I mentioned, I wonder why everybody's hitting me in the back of the head. Maybe because you throw the first punch. No. What did I say, Brandon? I am not a finisher. I'm an instigator. And so I would like I was very clever in how like I would box people out.

And so like I would like smash my huge ass into their stomachs and knock their wind out and then jump up for the rebound because they were bigger and stronger than me. And so like, I would never win if I didn't like, or like a gentle elbow into them as like, but you couldn't really see it. And so it would like gently push them away. And, um, or if I, I would post them up, I would get low and just like gently move them out of the way and they'd get really mad and um and so anyways yeah like i've got in uh i got hit in the back of the head a lot you are definitely like a dream on character yeah and like i would start it all but was everybody fighting with me so well if you're you're the common denominator here you know

dream on maybe maybe it's you what's yeah what's. What's the – I think I've said this quote before. Did you ever watch Lucky Number 11? I think I said this in the podcast before. I don't know. There's a great quote from that movie where Ben Kingsley, who plays like a rabbi mob dude, he's talking to the main character and he says, the first time somebody calls you a horse, you punch them in the face. The second time somebody calls you a horse – or no, the first time somebody calls you a horse you punch him in the face the second time somebody calls you a horse or no the first time somebody calls you a horse you call him a jerk second time somebody calls you a horse you punch him in the face third time somebody calls you a

horse maybe it's time to go shopping for a saddle like listen i never once acted like i wasn't the problem i knew exactly what i was doing the whole time and and it was i was very calculated and very tactical and i fouled out of a lot of games you know it was just a liability for the team out there i was too busy i wasn't a liability i would go knock it out if you're fouling out though your liability well it's it's you know like when if someone gets past your your your teammate i was i would always i was like i would always go for the charge you know what i mean and sometimes you just didn't quite get there soon enough and and you get those foul calls yeah

i never never fouled out once in my life he's you know why because i was too busy making dime passes no i i i played down low and i was there to grab rebounds set picks because like because my buddy my buddy like i was remember like we were huge right like i was a huge kid and he was bigger so he was like six two when we were in like sixth and seventh grade and so my job was just to like rough up the dude defending him so he could get open and just shoot layups right or like to set picks yeah i i was i was i was the down low pick setter all the way till like seventh grade because i i hit i hit my i'm i'm 5 11 i hit 5 11 in like In like third grade, right? Oh, damn. Okay. I had the real early girl spurt and then it just fucking locked up on me.

Went nowhere. Locked up on me. But so like through like elementary school for sure and then a little bit of middle school, I was the center. I was down low. I was shacking it up. And then seventh grade hit and everybody was like

6'3", 6'4 four and i was still 5 11 and i had to make a quick pivot point guard yeah that's that is that is number one that's hilarious and that's i mean it just described like i've never sat here and once pretended to be an athlete you know i've even talked about my tough matters like if you want things to look good it's i am not your guy i am a thousand percent an athlete. I have a plaque from the fifth grade, most athletic to prove it. Oh, I mean, I have a lot of medals from like all of our basketball tournaments. Do they say most athletic?

I won most athletic. That's actually pretty fun. I got to hang it up. I got to like, you know. Like don't don't don't erase that glory for yourself brandon well if you if you go to my elementary school my name's it's on uh they have a list of everybody that's won that award my name's on there oh my god dude if you ever if you ever go to my my elementary school i'm a fucking legend there dude

it also didn't it didn't it didn't hurt that my mom died like right after i was in like sixth grade so that kind of and my sister was in that elementary school when it happened so that kind of added to the to the lore but you know when that happens you gotta yeah yeah but we i took advantage of it though i milk i milked that that fame for all it was worth i don't know how to respond to dead mom athlete fame in elementary school branding like sometimes you say shit and i'm like i'm supposed to respond to it it's like what what do you like what do you want from me here like like should i should i make a smart ass comment should i be nice about it like i don't know where i'm supposed to go smart ass smart ass is always a good way to go okay it's like well yeah my mom died so like they also kind of like it was like that because like

that became like a martyr you know yeah you were you were like a tragic like you were like the ulysses of the school you know like this this tragic uh tale of a of a strong athlete that, you know, just saw life unfold too soon, you know? Yeah. Those were the days, man. Those were the days. Oh, my God. All right. So we can start wrapping this episode up, I suppose,

because this final kind of, like, closing is really fantastic. Give us a speech. Give us a speech. Give us a speech. Cause we got to send it up where he makes them take a knee. And this is, this line is where I was like, Oh my God, I was Averman at this age because he goes,

he's like, all right, take a knee. What's the one thing all great teams have in common. Great coaching. Don't suck up to me. Averman. That was me.

That was like that perfectly encapsulates Heath at this age. That's such a good like retort from Coach Orion too. Yeah. Knock it off, dude. Defense. See, unlike scoring, defense never quits. And to play great defense, you have to have one thing above all else bet it starts with a w

never related to a character more just i'm pretty sure i did i got yelled at one time in a team huddle where i made a snarky comment and hey shut up sorry sorry um confidence listen if you learn Sorry. Sorry. So anyways, confidence. Listen, if you learn nothing else when you're here, you learn this. All right? Because it's not just about hockey. It's easy to be confident when you have control of the puck. It's very, very difficult to keep that confidence when you've got to take whatever strange bounces life throws your way. Don't be careless, way don't be careless

but don't be too careful either you cannot be afraid to lose that's how you gain the confidence to attack the game when the puck isn't yours that's how you attack life even what even when you think you don't have control and that's how you play real defense. It's a great fucking speech. I fucking love it. But he doesn't really say anything. It's a lot of nonsense. Well, Brandon, when we learn what we learn later in the movie, you know, like it becomes an even more powerful speech.

It's a little, yeah, it's foreshadowing. It's foreshadowing. It's, oh man, dude, listen. But again, he doesn't really tell it's we talked about this you don't need to say anything in reality to get people fired up okay like coach there's a reason why it's called coach speak brandon you just say motivational words in a tone that gets people razzed up i do it at work all the time that's fair influencers make millions of dollars doing that dude 50 percent of my job tony robbins his whole career based on that 50 of my job is getting people fired up to do their job like you know like, work sucks. I know. I'm kidding.

But I do make those jokes at work. It is a great speech. He's motivated as shit, Brandon. One of the reasons I love Coach O'Ryan, he was a fantastic speech giver. You know, he has the cadence. He has the tone. He's way, way more believable than fucking bombay he's not a lawyer who made it to the minor leagues he's a hockey player who former nhl hockey player who is going to a hockey prep school to go be the jv coach like he's he's a dude

that that only knows hockey you know yeah like Yeah. Like he eats, sleep and breathe. Oh my gosh. It just, and this is where my frustration with Charlie comes in again, right? It's like, dude, he realizes it way too late. He realizes it way too late. Because, and this is where Charlie fucks up too, right? Because Charlie is the catalyst of the Ducks. He wants to be the captain, but you can't be the captain when you are

in full woe is me mode and feeling bad about like well bombay is we can't rope each other and practice anymore we have to actually practice this is this is not nice we can't rope each other you know like god damn it dude just you know right like am i am i am i off off base with this break no no no no no no you're definitely not charlie and fulton to an extent are just yeah big fucking babies yeah because they've gotten everyone bought in right away it's like hey guys this is a former nhl player he's gonna do shit different than bombay's silly stupid ass but like we might learn a lot and beat the varsity and win state championships and go on to play in college can you win a jv state championship do they give those out well they would take over brandon i'm talking

in the future oh okay gosh not everything's in the moment, Brandon. You got to live in the moment while planning for the future at the same time. It's called balance. I don't do any planning. I'm a 100% in the moment kind of guy. Listen, I'm not saying you're wrong. The whole Parks and Rec, the treat yourself thing, that really fucked me up for a while. Because I was like listen i'm living hot and loose and living in the moment so i'm just gonna buy myself all this cool shit now

i'm like i probably didn't need all this cool shit it's cool shit like it's awesome but like i probably didn't need it yeah i am yeah i'm not a planner there's a there's a reason why my savings account has zero dollars in it all of our all of our 10 listeners are very disappointed in you right now brandon i mean if you haven't gathered that i have zero dollars in my savings account just from my personality through what 80 82 episodes then i don't know i don't know what we're doing here you're not paying attention between us and all of the other podcasters we don't have a trust fund we are just regular people taking these movies way too seriously and that is both the charm and the hindrance is we don't have

the financial backing of most yeah yeah that's my one regret in life i always tell people this my one huge massive regret in life is that my dad wasn't rich i mean you're you're not wrong i also yeah it's you know my parents were very frugal and unfortunately i did not pick up on the frugal gene so hot and loose i'm just yeah hot and loose is how i just, yeah. Hot and loose is how I just, I, I never expected to live past 25. So like, I will do it to you too. I didn't, I didn't plan past that. So then when I hit 26, I was like, you know what? There's, there's no chance I make it to 30.

Come on. There's no chance. When I hit 30, I was like, Jesus, this is wild. I can't, I have, I have like, i have not lived the life of an individual who can you know can easily make it to 30 no no i should have i should have died years ago oh my god it's uh that's what happens when you're hot and loose and you know to be fair i'm playing with house money now yeah it's like to to be fair when when you were in your 20s and you go out in the world and you move around to a multitude of cities like you and I both have, that costs a lot of money. It does.

And my parents are always like, what did you do with all your money? I was like, well, I've lived in eight different cities since I've graduated college. U-Hauls are not cheap. Yeah. I did figure out pods are honestly the best way to go um i learned that way too late is that pods are are it that's the ticket i uh when i went to see it seattle i did it right because i moved up there i like got rid of everything and i moved out there with two suitcases. Yeah. That's how you have to move to like Seattle.

Like too much. It costs a fortune. I have way too much stuff now. When I was in Seattle, when I moved up there with two suitcases and I was mooching everything else off of, off of ramen. That was the fucking,

that was the dream, dude. That was, that was, that was a nice setup. But anyways, anyways, that was the fucking that was the dream dude that was that was that was a nice setup but uh anyways anyways uh what do you have any kind of final thoughts i love this speech like that was a fantastic way to end it it was good foreshadowing for later in the movie if we see charlie just falling to pieces as as this team is trying to get coached up.

Well, Charlie and Fulton are crumbling. Yeah. Um, and everybody else is, is there. They don't know what to do yet. We're still trying to figure this shit out.

Um, but yeah, coach Ryan with another fantastic speech. We got, I think we've got a couple more from him to look forward to. Things are, we're, we're in a very this is this is right before the fall we're in a very precarious situation right now gotta trend lightly you can feel it you can sense it right like we are we are getting that slow build like these shenanigans can only last for so long although i will say and once once once cat lady starts having problems,

you know, where, you know, she's hitting the fan. Cause that's, that's, she's usually the last line of defense, the,

the stone wall, you know, the, the even keeled she's the, the emotionally mature one. And so when she starts fucking, you know, faltering,

we're in trouble. Yeah. It's, it's really rough stuff. And I've got to be honest with you. Once again, I know this is foreshadowing a lot, but man, I'm getting real fired up when, for when they go to the mall of America, because this is, this is, this is once again, I mentioned it in D2, right. And even D1, like i wanted to go to the mall of america so bad because of these movies and what year did it wasn't kevin garnett in the 96 draft and then marbury in like the 97 because i

think it was it was that i forget the exact years but it was like 96 97 98 was that those little span and i think like the the last like good high school one, high school kids that were coming out besides LeBron, obviously. Yeah. And Kobe, but we, well, Kobe was like 96, 96. Okay. That's right. He was 96. You're right. I have a Kobe rookie card, but, but anyways, regardless, we went in, I think either 97 or 98 and it was, it still is one of my favorite vacations because i didn't i got not

only a kevin garnett jersey but my parents we found we went to like one of the like what are the big stores like the like that give everything at cost basically what are the outlets is that what you're talking about outlets yes outlet stores and i got a garnet and a marberry and i still have them like i have them in my closet it was so uh well i was i was a real big fat kid too like dude like it's they're they're a little more slim fit now like they were huge when i was a kid because my parents were like we're not gonna pay all this money for this to fit you now we're gonna buy these huge because you like them big anyways and then they're gonna fit you for forever and and so my parents were always cool with buying like jerseys like that because like i said i got them enormous and so some most of them still fit yes because i thought i was cool like i thought i was like

the coolest kid in the entire world like i'd wear like those i remember like i'd wear my garnett jersey with like my wind pants to school sixth grade oh my god jerseys oh yeah brandon but is there gonna be you know you know any kind of activities in wayne america no like it was like well i were there gonna be any kind of activities in broomfield colorado no but they still didn't let us wear fucking jerseys they didn't let us wear like sports teams at all except for like a very few select days when they would like lift the rule oh well we had no dress code because it was wayne nebraska in the early 2000s and late 90s right like there was no there was like like that was the best part is like you would wear your sports team you know or like your husker they didn't let us do that you could wear you could wear colleges colleges was fine but no no pro and definitely no definitely no jerseys jerseys were

a hard no-no dude i'll never forget when i got my reggie white jersey for christmas one year and then i got the first day back from christmas because that's what you did like ever like everyone was dripped out in jerseys like the first day back from christmas you know and it's all dude i remember putting that bad boy on just being like fucking reggie dude the reverend oh r.i.p i love that he was he's my favorite packer of all time for sure anyways all right we can wrap up this episode we don't need to go through heat heat's jersey collection which i did i will i'll leave it at this i did get a lebron james uh jersey his rookie year my aunt got it for me for christmas uh when when she went to cleveland it was pretty cool yeah or maybe my parents got it i

can't remember either way lebron rookie jersey like and it has like the big like you know like the big like cut off sleeves not like jersey sleeves but like the big wide sleeves that kind of make it look like a cut off it was it was that era so anyways well thank you for joining us for jersey talk we will see you next time. Thank you.