The Chaser Report - 15 Minutes Of Melb

Episode Date: May 7, 2025

Charles recently went on a trip to Melbourne that lasted less time than the recording of this podcast. Astonishingly, even in this brief amount of time, his many connections to the who's who of the elite world meant he couldn't help but trip into star after star after star. This, is that story.Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us your bank account details: [e-mail] complaints to: [e-mail] our caviar addiction: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. And Charles, yesterday we promised, we made a promise to our listeners that we would talk about your incredibly short trip to Melbourne. We would even solicit emails to podcast at chaser.com.com. About what you should do in Melbourne if you're only there for 15 minutes. We also ask for you or ask me anything questions too. so keep them coming through.

Let's just be honest again. We're recording this right after the last episode. We haven't read your emails yet. You haven't heard yet that we want you to send us emails. So we'll get to that. You need to set the whole thing up, though, Charles, by telling us about your very short trip to Melbourne. This will be a short episode, I think that's fine.

Yeah, it'll be no longer than 15 minutes. I think in the... Just to give you a sense, Lachlan, can you please try and make this episode exactly 15 minutes? Charles, check the timer. Yeah. And we'll just try and not cut any of it out. We'll do a little bit more than 15 minutes,

and you can just edit out your lost trains of thought. Yeah. Then we'll get to about 15 minutes. Okay, perfect. So we know how long you're in Melbourne. It all begins after this. So, Charles, you were in Melbourne today. Yes.

It's a lovely place. I had, you didn't spend the night. I had an extraordinary day because, and I'll start from the beginning, which is I woke up. Sure. Was that better or worse than being in Melbourne? Oh, I think. No, but Melbourne's lovely. It was 25 today.

Yeah, Melbourne is delightful. The problem with climate change is it makes Melbourne. Melbourne better. You know what I mean? It takes... It's ironic. Because it's a bit chilly. They're the ones who oppose climate change.

Yeah, they're the ones who vote for the Greens. Get with the picture, you should be in favour of this whole movie. Yeah, it's a bit chilly. Because, Charles, here's the thing about Melbourne. It's a bit of an awkward subject. It's been so many years now that this has been true that we might as well just be honest about it. Melbourne's where you go to have a career in comedy that's actually successful.

Yeah. Why didn't we do that? Which is why I was there for 15 minutes? Why didn't we go to Melbourne? decades ago when we were you know arguably some getting somewhere we thought we could have a long career we were arrogant we were arrogant we thought we were changing the rules we were like elbow in 2025 we thought we ran the wool yeah we thought people liked us yeah yeah the ratings said that they liked us briefly until famously they didn't anyway that's another story anyway so

I got up head to the airport how did you get to the airport I got to the airport by driving my own car I booked into P1 Prime at the Sydney airport a big spender which is valet parking so the thing is now that essentially the whole of the underbelly of Sydney is tunnels right it is it's all tunnels you can now get anywhere in about 12 minutes yes true particularly from our house where you live you can go very rapidly in the airport yeah mate yeah the most Australian tunnel of all and the thing about all the tunnels is They're so good and they're so new. And so expensive.

And so expensive. But you don't care. You're parking in P1 Prime. That everyone... No, no, but the whole point is it's actually cheaper than two taxis. Yeah, yeah. Well, the other point is there's a whole episode in the archive of the Chase Report with Andrew Hanson complaining about the cost of parking at Melbourne Airport.

It's a very specific narrow casting episode. So I'm very glad we're talking about this. But the point is that this was all on some other companies dime. So, you know, like, I was just going to... You were high on the hog. I was just going to book whatever was the most expensive form of parking. And then you went into the chairman's lounge?

And then I didn't have time. And I went, I made the mistake. I went through security downstairs. Never go through security downstairs, Dom. They've got a sort of in T2, because I was on Virgin, sorry. Oh, this is where the VIA bit runs down. No, but the good thing about being on Virgin was

I bumped into Sam Destiari at the airport, right? Sam DeStiariari. Went through the security. Was he ever on the podcast? We had him on our radio show back in the day. He was on my plane. I'm sure he was on the podcast. Why didn't you record?

No, yeah, I don't think he has been. Why didn't you record an interview with him on the plane? I think he's very used to being secretly recorded. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, you know, if you weren't recording a Sabdastiaria, they're quite easy to come by. Yeah. And it'll tip everyone off about you recording him as well. But, no, so I bummed into him and he...

How is Sam? Well, I mean, he's very well. I think he wants to stay out of the media. How's that working out for him in this episode? I think it's terrible. I feel like I shouldn't mention. Should I? Maybe I shouldn't mention bumming into Sam.

He really wants to stay out. I think I should not mention. I know. Cutting that whole thing out. That's fine. That's fine. I think it's a... You haven't said it a thing, though.

You just said you bumped into it. Yeah, I bummed into him. Like, Charles... Can we just let the record show Charles and Sam once made a television pilot together. Yeah, that's true. Okay. But it aired on Channel 9, right? It's not a secret.

Channel 10. Was it channel 10? Yeah, yeah. So no one saw it. That's why no one saw it. It was called disgrace. Yeah, how did you choose San Josieri? Anyway, the point, we can leave that there.

It's fine. Yeah, anyway, the point is that Sam is coming to my show in Perth on Thursday. So if you want to... Yeah, if you want to come to the show tonight, you can't because it's all booked out. But we have added an extra show tomorrow night on Friday on Friday. Friday night at the Astor. Oh, a nice venue. So if you want to go to the late show,

there are still some tickets available up the back. Do you think Sam will relate to, because hasn't he gone to corporate now, they're wankan on me? He's now, I think he's in private equity or something. You think you'll be able to sort of get the jokes now, I suspect. Anyway, point is, Sam go. So I say to Sam, you're catching my same flight.

And he says, yeah, we should catch a taxi into Melbourne together. And I say to him, no, no, no, Sam. I'm being picked up by a car This is just an unprecedented thing to happen So, okay, for those who haven't been to Melbourne The airports are ridiculously long way From the city And you can catch the Skybass

If you're a pleb like me or whatever It's actually quite fast But yeah Or Taylor Swift I reckon She knows what she's doing Or you can't Uber's actually got quite a good system there The taxis take it's very expensive

It's like 60 bucks for a taxi Yeah oh god yeah And then to get a private driver waiting for you with is that one of those people with the sign saying mr furth yeah yeah i walked straight past him because i've forgotten you're not used to the idea yeah not used to the idea but yeah i was uh did sam go with you in the with the driver or did you no i didn't want no i got rid of sam oh my goodness is that i want to enjoy this private right of man he lost his job as a senator and he's even lost because he would have had a driver who'd have had come cars back

in the day he would have yeah but no and he's not even getting the freebie from firth he probably had to catch a unicycle or something. Actually, I remember he, anyway, there's a story. Sorry about you and San Jose are own bikes we won't go into. Oh, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so you're in Melbourne. You've been picked up by a private driver. And then I go and we've got to present.

I don't know how much I need to say. So the Wankanomics, we're doing a book, right? I don't think that's, I don't think that's necessarily much of a secret. It might be, is it an embargo? I don't think it's embargoed. What a way to announce it? Well, I just think getting a private sort of driver to a Wankanomics book thing is such. At what point are you actually just disparaging yourself?

But what we were doing is we were doing a presentation in front of all the salespeople who are going to go into the bookstores and into Big W&Kmart and say, you know, like this is the book you should be selling this Christmas, right? Because our whole idea with Wankanomics, the book, is that it should become the book. Oh, no, it says here. it's um okay so it's the covers out a deep dive into world workplace bullshitry i see you stole the asterix thing from um uh that town or not to give a fuck what it's called yeah um it's hardy grand it's laugh out loud handbook parody of the working world delight and entertain anyone who works

in an office so so you're presenting the book yeah how funny it's gonna be god 3499 is it 34 they see it would be 25 oh well that's good because we're on the royalties so But bigger the price tag, the better our royalties. The first author is James Schleffel. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've hardly contributed any. He's the brains behind the shovel.

This could be good. I did the... If that shovel guy did it. I know, yeah. I did all the full stops. That was my contribution to the book. The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens.

No, so we... And then we had to do a little presentation to the sales staff. And, you know, they laughed. Good. And then I texted the driver and I went home. That was it. That was it. So hang on. So where were you in Melbourne exactly? It was in Collingwood. It was this like, it was like we work, but it was called something like get chill or something. It wasn't called get chill. Maybe it was. But Collingwood, so you're not in the CBD, which I like a lot, by the way, in Melbourne, the laneways and all that.

It's very lovely place. You're in this sort of cool. It was very cool. Northern suburbs. Unbelievably cool. Like everyone had shaped heads. Yeah. So there's like craft beer in. every direction great cafes and food it's a beautiful warm day

in Melbourne and you go to the airport you got to Tullamarine the greatest whole ever but with a private driver Dom that's that's where it's at you've got to

I did the private driver thing it's a terrible mistake not only is that a poor decision on your part it's a very poor punchline of this story no no but I had to get back because I've got a family

and I had to get the kids dinner That's because you should have moved to Melbourne. What are you thinking? You've got to leave in Collingwood. I could have. Yeah. I could have. That could my, that we work or what is it a good?

Get circle or what? I don't know. That could have been your. Yeah, giraffe work or something. I don't know. It could have been your corporate headquarters. That could have been the Chaser corporate headquarters. Charles.

You could have lived there, Don. I could have gone there too. I know, I love Melbourne. And you could have given 15 minute presentations and then pissed off to Sydney or something. I don't know. Or no, we just would have needed to it. We couldn't have gone for craft beer. And the thing is even at this shitty little co-working space, which was actually very nice,

the coffee was really good. That's the thing about Melbourne. And you know what else, Charles. Look, I don't buy this. Melbourne's coffee is good, but so is Sydney. Come on. But. No, the difference is, Dom.

I worked it out. Melbourne coffee is stronger. Melbourne coffee is good, you know, far wider radius. Yeah, the average is better. So if you go out to the suburb, if you go 25 kilometres out of Melbourne, you're still going to get good coffee. You go 25 kilometres out of Sydney,

you are fucked. You are fucked. It is Mick Cafe. As if you've got... Or whatever the hungry jack's version of the cafe. As if you've gone 25 kilometres out of the Sydney, Cibadeghans. Oh, no, no, I've got kids.

Oh, yes, sorry. It's where the snakes are. You've got to travel to the snake people. The biggest difference about if we lived in Melbourne, Yeah. It'd be colder. We'd both support 40 teams obsessively. Oh, yes.

Because we had a private driver. I thought the whole point about having a private driver is you don't talk to the help. Yeah. But you know what else? No, but he talked about how much he loved Essen and the whole way to the airport. It must have made you glad to be heading home. No, but Charles, the biggest difference, and it's an astounding difference, is that in Melbourne, all the men are well dressed.

Like we would be, imagine, we would actually be stylish. Don't you, like, James Schleffel's very stylish. So we wouldn't, so what you're saying is, because I just thought we'd be un-stilish in a stylish city. No, we'd know how to dress. We'd know how to dress. Yeah, I think that teaches you at the airport. When you move there permanently, there's a seminar.

Right. I think so. Yeah, the one there must be. How else would they achieve that with men? Yes, okay. Anyway, so, look, the one thing we can say about this episode at this point. Yeah. Which is only 12 minutes and 57.

Yeah, I think cutting it off early is fine, actually some 15 minutes. Is that at least we didn't talk about the election. We may have had very little to say. No. We may have brought Sam Dastiaria to the story, which was very promising and did not pay off. No, no, no, but he's private equity now. So he's going to be in Perth on Thursday. He's going to come to my Perth show.

Do you think that's cool? I mean, jet-setting across to all the shitty cities in Australia? I mean, it's lovely for you. And it's nice for you to tell me As you know A friend and colleague Yeah Not so good

Yeah I mean Got a thing of the listeners Yeah I'm not sure That you're endearing yourself I'm pretty sure that Rory Stewart And LST Campbell

Don't have these sorts of episodes Well they do talk about Going to different places No I just I did an event yesterday And I was wonderful Yeah I was talking to the Prime Minister of Norway

And then They don't shit on Perth They say oh it was Perth Oh yes they go Yes I went to Perth And it's a lovely shit Hall.

Absolutely. Charming little shitter. So what should Charles have done in 15 minutes in Melbourne? That's the big question. Podcast at chaser.com. A.U. And more to the point, what Charles doing in Perth. You know what I shouldn't have done is visit the Melbourne eye.

Because you know what? It doesn't work. Is that your one bit of local for you to show there? Actually, there's a job. You know that it still is up? It hasn't worked. They can't afford to get it down. It worked for like 20 minutes.

You know, Chris and Andrew did a whole episode of their show about... The Melbourne Eye? The Melbourne Eye. In Australian Epi. There's a challenge for the Wankanomics. If you're actually... If you guys think you're actually good at, you know, rather than just parodying management, actually managing things,

you've got to make the Melbourne Eye. Talk to me and you've got it working. Isn't the whole point that it works, except they put all the bolts in left to right, instead of right to left? I don't know the story. No, that's what happened. Like, literally they just got it out of the box.

can you go and then they put it they assembled it backwards can you research this and actually tell us the unbelievable i will i will please do okay right we'll catch you next time when charles has let's hope that's a better we're at 15 minutes it'll be it'll be a disappointing conclusion to that story but it'll beat this one the i will never work but at least it will stay in melbourne for longer the 15 minutes we aren't members of the okona class network they've just asked us to say they've asked us to leave even though we started it yeah that's true all right catch you next time if you if you if you're willing to keep subscribing after this episode