The Chaser Report - 2023: The Lowest Of The Lowest Pt. 2

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

Continuing their wrap of 2023, Dom and Charles bring you all the highlights from the second half of this mediocre-at-best B-minus of a year. Thank you to everyone for listening, and wishing you a very merry Christmas from all of us here in Charles' Basement. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Oh, Charles, you sound extremely husky. Could this be because I think this is the earliest episode of the podcast we've ever made? Yes, we record. It's 7.45 in the morning. Yeah.

I don't even know that time existed. I know. It's shocking. It's shocking. And our thoughts are with our old friend Craig Rucastel, who's hosting breakfast radio, a show that goes between 5.30 a.m. and 8 a.m. in Sydney next year on ABC Radio, Sydney. Congratulations, Craig. This will be towards the end of your show, Craig.

AM? Yep. I thought it was 5.30 p.m. to 8 p.m. That would have been much more sensible. Yeah. It was like a sort of late afternoon breakfast. You know how you have wheat bicks sometimes? That would be good.

A breakfast show that began at sort of 1 p.m. Gentleman's hours, shall we say. I know you've just been down in Melbourne, so that might be why you're a little bit husky, but we have work to do, Charles. We have a promise to deliver on, don't we? A second half of our review of 2023. And this is the bad half of 20203 when everything went to shit.

Your voice is sounding appropriate, and we'll get to another kind of voice soon, I expect. Shall we crack on with it after this? Yep. Okay, so we started July with the government's announcement about their housing policy. Oh, yes. So they went, okay, we've got this problem where over the course of the next 10 years,

we're going to have a shortfall of, I think, like, something like 1.3 million houses. Like, we're just, we're on track to not build 1.3 million. No, we need 1.3 million houses more. And their whole thing was, but we promise that at least half a million houses will be built in that time, right? Which, as economists at the time said, is the amount that would have been built had there been no policy. So their policy was to be as good as having no policy at all. Perfect. And then it turned out that their actual policy was about as good as no policy at all

because it was a $500 million housing program for a problem that's probably in the order of at least $30 billion, right? Well, to be fair, $500 million does buy three, three and a half houses in Sydney. Well, exactly. That's right. Yes. Well, that's what they did. They bought a little two-bedroom place in Surrey Hills.

500 or 500 minute. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, but... It needed some work, though. It needed quite a bit of work. A fairly good bargain. Like, actually, it was, yeah. No, but the thing, the, the funny thing about the whole palava was that their original design of the plate.

So, have you ever heard of a crisis on? Oh, yes, I have. There's been a few of those, which we'll get to later on in this half a year. Yeah, one of the defining features of a crisis is that it's urgent, right? That's why it's a crisis, right? Of course. And so Australia was facing a housing crisis. And then so what they did, the way Labor designed this scheme was they said,

okay, we're going to solve this problem forever. We'll give $10 billion to the stock market and to the international money market. And they will hopefully give us probably about $500 million a year. And we'll use that to build houses. And then they went, but we're not going to get the first $500 million for like 18 months because, you know, you've got to set up your account. No, of course. It takes a while to get your transfers all sorted out.

fill out your tax file number and all that sort of stuff. And in the meantime, they were just going to, they literally were going to do nothing about it. They were just going to wait until the money came in. And then the Greens turned around and said, no, that's outrageous. And ended up over the course of several months. Well, actually, I'll tell you what happened.

The policy didn't actually even get up in July, did it? The Greens voted with the coalition and voted it down. Labor stoned off going, the Greens are sellouts. And then in October, Suddenly they found a whole lot of extra money and bumped it up to about a $3 billion scheme, which is, you know, at least a tenth of what is actually necessary to solve the problem. But at least they're doing it, you know, like, you know, every 10th person should be really grateful to Labor for their reaction. So like the Greens to not understand the money markets and the brilliance of the solution that had been proposed.

It's just so typical, Charles, of them. Yes. Yeah, disappointing times. I have a theory, actually, though, of why they're not putting. putting more money into government housing, which is, I reckon, look at it from Albo's perspective, right? He grew up in some shitty little flat and camper down, right? He's now, he's still living in government housing all these years later, but it's like Kiribili, it's got harbour views.

He's turning around going, I don't think government housing's that bad. In fact, I think it's rather good. You've got to pull yourself. See, this is the thing. If you give people free housing, then there's no incentive for them to work. We want to see them put in hard work and pull themselves up by their bootstraps and make something in themselves so they can move from shitty government housing to palatial government housing that's what you want to do it's still free and subsidised by taxpayers but uh this one has

a warder view of the opera house it's a stunning view there at kirribilli house yes so uh so that happened in july is elin musk renamed twitter x oh i did that go well yes and uh was immediately infuriated to learn that clicking on x just closed all your browser test that's right so we've gone from a very serious analysis of housing policy, back to the jokes that worked so well in the war on 2023. So I think that's quite solid. We had a little discursion of Charles' massive frustration at the situation with housing, which, as we've noted, if that isn't fixed in a fairly dramatic and radical way, which seems unlikely, Labor may will lose the next election. In fact, you've already called it that they will. I've already called it. I mean, I know key labour

insight. In fact, I think probably the Labor Party is not going to campaign. Oh, really? They're going to give up. Yeah, they're just going to give up. Yeah, yeah. Save time. Save money for the next campaign. Have I told you on this podcast what their actual strategy is? Have I, because I was talking to a Labor insider the other day.

And he said, we're just going to win it in the last six months, right? We've got the backs to the wall, but we'll just the win in the last six months, just like we did with the voice. We'll get to that as we go through our list of the disappointments of 20203. So are we up to August yet? We had the whole Victoria pulling out of the Commonwealth. Games, remember? Oh, that was a classic moment, wasn't it?

A decision which has been vindicated, I think, in hindsight, by the fact that no one at all gives a shit about it. I'd forgotten it even happened. Well, the thing is, we played a joke about it around the country, and it did quite well everywhere, but the Melbourne audience just went crazy about it. It was like, yeah, they cancelled the games, yeah. And when Mark Humphrey's got up at the end and announced that we were going to actually get rid of the Commonwealth Games for good, it was like, yeah, we did it.

Where the pioneers is at depriving opportunities for meaningless support. Then we had the ashes, remember Stumpgate? Oh, Stumpgate. Wasn't that a low point in... And we're still aren't a republic. That's the most amazing thing about Stumpgate is that it didn't... The members at Lords didn't set off a massive wave of anger against the whole of the British aristocracy.

For those who can't remember Stumpgate, it was because England didn't realize that you can't get out first of all is actually just not part of the rules of international cricket. Yeah, nor is one hand, one bounce. And you've got to have your bat ground inside the crease I found that out when I was five But Johnny Bears does get to learn From memory I think they got one ball

One hand one bounce One hand one bounce They got that reinstate for the fourth chest Yeah absolutely Yeah And electric wickets Well actually Pat Cummins Insists the electric wickets

Be run on renewable Since a bit tedious Hey that's pretty good going for 745 in the morning Charles listen to the man's width Love it Sonia when the gold loggie. Wasn't that bizarre.

That's right. They did something special for her, didn't they? Well, they made the... See, because she is the person who said that she was afraid of Muslims, right? Mm, that's right. And so they made a white loggie for her because, you know, the gold loggie looks a bit brown from something.

Oh, yes. So they went with white gold. That's nice. That's nice. That's thoughtful. Vladimir Progoshan, this is James's gag. Volomir Prigosian died. Oh, the plane.

Yes. He was the head of the Wagner group. after his plane accidentally fell out of a window. I do like that. I'm joking. Hey, more of the recap of 2023. It's going to get more depressing from here after this. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens.

Yes, the de-fenestration of, I mean, Ukraine's halfway out the window at this point, isn't it? The entire country of Ukraine. I'm calling it. Ukraine's gone. It's gone. Right. He heard it here first. Big call to end the podcast for 2023.

I think we should just call everything at this point. We had the intergenerational report, which basically said that Gen Y and Gen Z are fucked. Unless they kill everyone older than them, in which case they stand to inherit many, many billions. I reckon what happened is the Productivity Commission just read Labor's housing policy. I mean, oh yeah, they're fucked.

It was just it's not that it's not completely within our control. It's just like we don't want to do anything. Yeah, don't want to. Oh, then Peter Dudden announced, that he was going to solve climate change by building 71 nuclear fission reactors. Oh, yes, this was inspiring, wasn't it? Plutonium, Pete.

Yeah, with this coming from the same party that couldn't build a single commuter car park. Well, if they'd used nuclear reactors to build the car parks, if they'd use nuclear fuel rods, it would have been, it would have glided in the dark. Look, I just don't think anything will go wrong. But I did think it was a bit weird when Peter Dutton walked into Parliament

with a lump of refined uranium. I thought that was. Going a bit far saying, what are you afraid of? Yes, indeed. Then we had the voice loss. Can't think of anything to say about the voice loss. That's not going to... Well, actually, the one thing that I thought was quite interesting

was the way the New South Wales government reacted. Oh, yeah. Which is to say, to sort of commemorate the no victory, they agreed to light up the Sydney Opera House. Oh, yes. In white? In white? Oh, I see.

Yes. But we do have a boomer voice to Parliament, don't we? Wasn't that the result of the whole? Yeah, well, actually, I think the Indigenous people... Yeah, the boomer voice, the fossil fuel voice still remains. And I think the Indigenous community is just going to hire PWC, which would give them... That would be a good idea. Better access than anyone.

Then we've got the whole Gaza thing happened. Oh, the gas... Yeah, we're still frenzy debate about this. to which killing people is bad, yet to be resolved. So watch this space. Yes. Well, I think it's one of those, he said, she said, two sides of the... Aren't he and she both dead now?

I think they're both killed as a result of the conflict. And then we had the Bruce... Well, the one bright spot is the Bruce Lehman defamation trial, which is just... Like, if we're doing end of year popcorn story... I don't know if it's ever going to stop on Christmas Day that trial. It's every day there's more. We had Lisa Wilkinson up yesterday.

I really honestly think that Bruce Laman sat down with Ben Robert Smith and got his whole legal strategy mapped out by Ben Robertson. You just get everyone, everyone to talk. And the secret camera thing, the secret microphone thing is quite bizarre. Normally it's us who does that. It's just... That there is the sound of 2023. Charles, make that sound again.

This is a summary of the year. That's basically it. The sound of a man straining to poo. That's the sound of this year. It is 7.45 in the morning. I've just had my first coffee. Yeah, very wise. It'll sort itself out soon. That's what Australia needs a diuretic. Let's get some stuff past. Well, it's a peristaltic, surely.

Yeah, absolutely. And then, I don't know, we had the NAP land results, and the government conceded that the results could be gooder. And they said there were three problems that students faced, English and maths. Yep. Yeah. Oh, that's it. We can end on that note, can't we? I think, Look, it's been a year, Charles, I won't call it a good year. It's been a year.

We've navigated through it. It hasn't been the worst year. No, no, there have been the worst year in this year. It was quite a good year for me personally, actually. Oh, that's, what's the worst year? Next year. Next year is the worst year. Yes, yes, with the pending bushfires and other misery on the way.

Charles, look, it's been, it's been an emotional roller coaster going through this year with you. We'll do it all again in 2024. With a tweaked format that, because we've realised people, people actually rely on this for news, so we need to put in slightly more of it. Very foolish, but we'll try and cater slightly more to that with some facts, rather than just Charles's theories. We'll have Charles's theories embedded in facts, which may or may not disproven.

But hey, if you want to hear Charles in full flight, the submarine episode, I'm most listened to of 2023. It was great. It's aged well, unlike those aboard. Oh, really? Yeah. It's like a bottle of range that you find at the bottom of the ocean. Charles Merry Christmas.

Okay. Well, and look, we will do the occasional one in January. Yeah, we'll pop up occasionally. Don't turn off your podcast. All right. Like once a week. Thanks for being with us and we'll catch you in 24. See ya. I'm going to go back to bed now. Very wise. I'm curious from Road.

We're part of the Iconiclass Network and our general malaise is courtesy of the year 2023. See ya.