The Chaser Report - 2024: A Space Tragedy

Episode Date: June 23, 2024

There are astronauts currently stranded in the International Space Station. Nasa cannot save them, Boeing cannot save them, and Elon Musk cannot save them. You know who can? Charles and Dom. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Hello, Charles. There's a problem. There's a big problem. And we need to solve it during the course of this podcast. I think we're best placed here. Yes. Given our years of comprehensive daily news analysis to work out how on Earth the astronauts

stuck on the International Space Station are going to get back to. to planet Earth. And when they do get back to planet Earth, we are having the film rights because we're going to solve it. Yes, exactly. That is our price of solving this crisis for them, is that we get to make the Hollywood remake. Absolutely.

And, I mean, you know Tom Hanks is probably already attached. Well, I kind of think Tom Hanks might be a little bit too alive to star in this particular movie. Just saying, like, I think we're going to need someone who's a little bit more dead-looking. You don't think we can solve it? Well, I'm just saying, well, it depends your definition of solving it means, because I think Boeing thinks that they've actually solved this problem already. The thing is, I'm not sure that solving the problem is going to necessarily mean that the aircraft delivers two live people to Earth on the 26th of June.

It's really important to recover corpses after accidents, isn't it Charles? I don't want to jump the gun, but if it came to that, that would be success. Let's get into it in a sec. But essentially one of the reasons why SpaceX is such a successful rocket companies because their tolerance failure is greater, right? I knew a rocket scientist who told me very directly that you'd get a lot more data out of a failed launch than you do out of a successful launch. Right.

So in that sense, it's more of a success if it fails. And this is relevant. Yes. If you haven't seen the story, by the way, there are two astronauts who are supposed to be coming back from the International Space. station. Well, no, they're supposed to be already back. Yes, they're supposed to be back already. They're supposed to come back.

It's Barry Butch Wilmore and Sanita Sonny Williams, both American. They were supposed to be coming back on the 14th of June. Then it was postponed to the 26th. And now NASA hasn't raised a new date. And the key point that Charles has alluded to already is that they were supposed to come back on the Boeing Starliner. Charles. Yes. All right, let's have some ads because it's classy.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. Yeah, so Boeing running part of your space program,

this is part of the U.S. as much-fanted privatization of space. And to be fair, NASA was also. so good at blowing up space shuttles and things, you know, when it was publicly run. But I'm not sure the private sector is too much better so far. Well, there's a lot of things to unpack here. So the first thing is the whole reason they've given this contract, it's a $3.5 billion contract. The whole reason NASA has given this contract to Boeing is essentially because they're a little

bit scared of SpaceX. Yeah, I mean, understandably. So there's a long-held belief that SpaceX is probably about a decade ahead of. everyone else in terms of being able to launch rockets that includes NASA like even sort of publicly funded uh space organizations are well behind where SpaceX is and probably about 15 years uh Boeing's about 15 years behind SpaceX right and but the thing is when the war in Ukraine started uh you know Starlink which is you know part of that SpaceX group yeah it's So that became very useful to supply Wi-Fi to the Ukraine.

And then at this crucial moment in the war, about a year in, Elon Musk actually just pulled the internet coverage for the Ukraine for about 24 hours. And suddenly everyone realized, oh, wait a minute, Elon Musk basically holds the keys to American military power. He's actually a sort of non-state actor in the military industry. industrial complex. Yes, but also an incredibly erratic and deeply problematic. I mean, every time I check is, like every time I open Twitter, it shows me his tweets

because that's the whole point of Twitter now. And they're all really weird and creepy. We've just learned over the weekend, not only that he's had more children with more employees of SpaceX, but also that one of them, he propositioned repeatedly, allegedly in California, or it might have been Tesla, one of his companies. And when she said, no, thank you. She got a bad performance evaluation. and was denied her bonus

because that's apparently what his company is now. So classy, classy man. Lovely man. And he's got that wonderful thing that a lot of these billionaires get when you become a billionaire, which is this sort of eugenicsy approach to reproduction. So he's actually said openly that he says it is his responsibility

to sort of create hundreds of mini Elon Musk's using his genes because he's got these superior genes. genes and that, you know, the world will benefit from having lots of little mini-Hitlers running around. Sorry, mini Elon Musk's running around, the planet, you know, controlling the satellites of the Ukraine and stuff. Anyway, so very, very nice. But NASA, naturally, and the military industrial complex, more generally, decided, well,

why don't we put our thumb on the scales in this space race? Yeah. And even though Boeing's about 15 years behind, we'll grant this $3.5 billion dollar contract to Boeing and they can create the starliner and it can be a different type of aircraft it's not like those SpaceX rockets which are designed to sort of go up and down like a shuttle yeah but they're kind of amazing that they land vertically I mean for credit to the landing of those when they're in the rare occasions when they do they're very good whereas bowings are Boeing's and that used to mean something good like you used to get on a Boeing plane and be reassured that

the people who made it and knew what they were doing. But that time was a long time ago, Charles. Yes, that's right, because back in the early noughties, Boeing was taken over, or maybe it was even in the late 90s, Boeing was taken over, well, brought out McDonnell Douglas in the mid-1990s, but those executives from McDonnell Douglas, who had run McDonnell Douglas into the ground, like the whole reason why it was failing was because its planes kept on falling out of the air. And, but it was a sort of reverse takeover of Boeing, that management culture, which the idea was literally from Jack Welch of General Electric, which was to go in and break things and try and actually stop having this culture at Boeing of engineering excellence as the raison d'etre to get up in the morning.

Cut costs more. I mean, there's a very good episode of last week tonight that goes into great detail on this, but essentially, yes. they made a phenomenal number of people who are in charge of things like, you know, safety and checking things and do the bolts go where they're meant to go? You don't need those, Charles. They're dead weight. Self-certification is the key. And then you combine self-certification with this thing that's just emerging and emerged late last week in Congress, where the head of Boeing, the current CEO, admitted that there was a culture of retribution against whistleblows. So say you, you know, you or one of the subsidiary companies that supply Boeing, like, for example, this place called Sprint, they, you know, like a lot of their workers have sort of gone, hang on, you know, there's misaligned bolts and things like that.

Like literally, you know, we're supplying bits of aircraft where, you know, the actual holes don't match up with where the bolts are going to go. Yeah. And so therefore, when they arrive at the Boeing factory and they're misaligned, the Boeing engineers have to sort of go, okay, well, we'll just drill an extra hole in this, you know, plate or whatever. And that leads to a whole of the problems because actually you can't just do that. Like these materials have structural integrity, you know, designed into them. And doing that greatly reduces the longevity and safety of your aircraft.

But also, like even Tesla has improved. manufacturing processes at the point where they don't have massive gaps in there now. And imagine you're talking about something that's supposed to go to space and re-entered through the Earth's atmosphere, which Charles, I'm no, I'm no astronomer, but doesn't it get really fucking hot and that if things

aren't right, you'll just burn to a crisp? Well, I think this is why it's become so interesting, right? So they, so this starliner was very, you know, like, it was delayed several times. It was supposed to launch months ago. And by the way, cost overruns of $1.5 billion US dollars on top of the

four point five billion dollar contract so it's now but that that's that's all right that's all right you're allowed cost overruns on government contracts oh okay sorry yeah sorry I forgot yeah yeah in fact you you want them don't you because you make more money and in actual fact Boeing has claimed that it's it's even with all these cost overruns are not it's still losing money how do you lose money on the six billion dollar well I think no one wants to buy their planes Charles for reasons that are entirely clear anyway what happens is they we're trying to launch this a few months ago. They kept on doing things like having helium leaks.

And they blamed it on their supplies. It was like, oh, yeah. These helium links are literally supplied by the same people, Sprint, who designed the door that, you know, flew out of that airbus. Perfect. Out of that, out of the 737 max. Like literally, you know, it's that sort of. It's a space 737 max is what it is. And remember, you know, if you speak up about it, if you're a whistleblower, you speak up about it,

you end up dead right so you know there's no culture of like you know well you end up having to fly on bowing i think they'll make you do the test missions yeah which is yeah that's their form of retribution anyway so then finally even though um just recently like in early june they they decided we're going to go ahead anyway there was definitely helium leaks on the launch pad they went doesn't matter it'll we'll sort it out they get up there they go surprise surprise the helium's still leaking from their propulsion systems. Now, what this means is the reason why they have helium there is to actually create extra pressure in their fuel systems, right?

And so all that helium's just leaked out into space. And so they got up there and they realized they didn't have the propulsion necessary to dock with the International Space Station. So it was like, it was sluggish. It was sort of like, you know, you're in second gear. You're wanting to be in fifth gear and, you know, racing towards the thing. you can't quite make you know in the Martian how you know they it gets launched very unrealistically up in the air yeah yeah but you know the the flap you know like the whole

thing is flapping in the wind and it creates this thing and it's sluggish right that's what's happened to this starliner so they finally managed to dock it with the international space station two astronauts who are on the Boeing immediately hop off not least because there's no fucking toilet on this fucking Boeing Starliner. It's $6 billion. It's a capsule. Yeah.

It's a tiny capsule. And every time there's they go up again, they have to have a new whole kind of rocket on the back of it. So it's basically like a little pod for all these billions of dollars. No, no, but then now,

the point is there's two of those astronauts who are on the space station are now due to come down. Now, I think that the point is, that's not necessarily the people who are launched up there, is it? It's actually two other people who are now going to come down.

But talk about drawing the short straw, like, you know, like, which rocket are we going to get you down on? You know, normally it would be a NASA rocket or a SpaceX rocket or something like that. And so, oh, by the way, we've got this experimental Boeing capsule to send you down on. Is that right? It's the same people, the same people. Oh, it's the same people, okay, right. So they're bunking up there. They've got 45 days to solve it because the whole problem is they've only got,

45 days worth of fuel and food for this is why it's going to be such a great movie Charles yes yes you're right there's there's the time pressure there's the race against time to fix it so but you know what they've done the way they've solved the helium thing is they tore up the computer code that determines like the holds the you know helium capsules like the and they just rewrote the whole code imagine being the coder who has to sort of come up with a new computer program to make a fucking Boeing aircraft work. But again, this is a thing that happens in a movie. You go, like you've got a geeky dude, whatever, who's got no social life.

And you're going, fix it. And you shout out them. And then they fix it. And you put a gun to their head. You do. Now, Charles, while you've been telling this story, I have solved the problem. I've actually solved. I have.

I have truthfully solved the problem. I'll explain why in a moment. And also, I don't explain why those two astronauts are incredibly brave. Right. Okay. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore?

FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. I'm just looking at the history of the Starliner on Wikipedia, Charles.

I must say the two astronauts who went on board these things, are either very brave or deeply stupid because they have had so many problems with this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just looking back, it was supposed to be launched in 2017, then they screwed around until 2023 with all these problems. Then on June 1st last year, they announced the flight was delayed due to a problem with a parachute harness and flamble tape on the wiring.

Then they said, oh, in August, that's fine. We'll fix the flamble tape by September, and then in November we'll try and get the harness right. Then in May of this year, It was supposed to go up, but there was a problem with the oxygen valves. They cancelled that two hours before launch. Then they had all these helium problems, which have been dating back to the start of May. Then on the 1st of June, they tried to launch the thing, right?

So presumably the astronauts are sitting there ready to go. It was aborted three minutes and 50 seconds before lift off. And then four days later, it actually went again. I mean, the writing was on the wall that going up in this thing was not a very sensible idea. It's held together by duct tape. duct tape, you know, would be an improvement of what they've done because one of the fascinating things to me is... So they realised the parachutes didn't work, right,

and kept on catching on fire because the tape was too flammable, right? This was like last year. Yeah. And then they solved the problem at the beginning of this year, right? And it's not just one parachute, right? Like there's seven parachutes. There's two Ford Heat Shield parachutes, two drogue parachutes, Three pilot mortar parachutes, right?

Main canopy. So they sent it up a test flight to test it out without any humans on it. They do it. Only two of the seven parachutes succeeded. And then the Boeing engineers turned around and went, okay, well, that'll... That's enough. Yep, that's enough. Also, this is like the old...

This is like the old pre-space shuttle. Like, the space shuttle, the whole point with it was that it sort of took off and landed in a predictable way and he could keep reusing it. This thing is like a moon landing style pod that brushes down with parachutes. Because the parachutes don't work Not only are the people on board Presumably going to very much die But you've got a projectile

raining from space at high speed That could hit anything presumably on the planet And destroy it That's the act three twist You realise suddenly it doesn't become a movie About saving the craft No because you can't It's because you can't

It's like saving the city From you know It'll be projected that it's going to hit the most populated place in America. Times Square. Oh, no. And they'll just divert it so crashed into the Hudson. And then the hero, the hero,

Sully, gets what we'll do is, no, no, they'll get, like, get everyone to make, you know, slime or something in their backyard. Oh.

And haul it into Times Square and create some sort of trampoline style. I'm thinking a mega trampoline is what you want. Mega trampoline. Oh, you're right. Or into the Hudson. Yeah. We're going to pour all the baking soda and cornflow that we've got into the Hudson

and make it so that they can land safely. I've got it. I've got it, Charles. It's New York City. If there's one thing New York City is famous for, it's those very thin, oversized pizzas. I'm imagining the biggest pizza ever made. And yeah, and all the... They just bounce it up and absorb the heat.

And then at the end, they come out of the capsule and go, that's some tasty pizza. And it would be like New Yorker. original pizza saves the day. But I have... I mean, the merchandising. The merchandising would be amazing. But Charles, I have solved this while we've been speaking.

Do you know what I've done? What? I've tweeted Elon Musk and I've said, hey Elon Musk, you're saving those astronauts yet, bro. He will see that. And because you know he loves a rescue mission. We know this from the cave with the mini submarine. He loves a high profile rescue mission. He can ascend up.

And what a fantastic chance to just really one up the fed, federal government, Boeing and everyone else, and call everyone pedophiles, which he loves doing. And the thing is, what will happen is presumably the astronauts won't refuse the lift down on the SpaceX thing for fear, for fear of being accused of being a pedophile. That's right. That's right. That is definitely. That's right.

They won't make that mistake again. Yeah. Absolutely. So that's, I've solved it. So it's good. It's going to happen. Elon will see this and go, oh, okay. And probably just start a whole other business, the space rescues or something.

But Charles, I'm just looking. Talking more about this at the Starliner and just how wild this thing is. Do you know that it's part of their deal with NASA for this thing? Yeah. Is that they're allowed to send up a tourist in future missions to the ISS, at least in 2014. Their contract was Boeing can price and sell passage to low Earth orbit using the one space tourist seat. So these poor astronauts trying to do their job are going to have to deal with one rich asshole on every flight. it's going to be like the titans submersible.

It's got real Stockton Rush vibes this story. Absolutely. So there's that. That's a stupid idea. And here's a far stupider idea. They want to use this whole thing as part of a tourist space station. Oh, wow. They're going to build a tourist space station.

What brand? Is it like a fancy brand or is it like an Ibis space hotel? Like what are we thinking? Is it like Soffatel or? It's probably going to be a casino, isn't it? Yes, I'm sure it'll be a casino. It'll be called the Big Bang Burger Bar. The Big Bang Burger Bar.

Nice little callback there. Yeah, so they're partnering with Blue Origin on this, another highly speculative space outfit, along with Sierra Nevada Corporation. It's going to be called the Orbital Reef. It's going to be a mixed-use business park, is the theory. And supposedly Star Line is going to be fairing people to and from this fun Orbital Reef Space Station.

It's like, this is like what the Saudi Arabian NOM thing. Neon, space, Neon. Neum on space, in space. It's extraordinary. Amazon Web Services are going to be involved in supporting it. What's the tax rate up there? I think that isn't that the idea? Yeah, it'd be very, offshore is no longer the trendiest way to dodge tax.

So this, well, that's Jeff Bezos is basically doing this. So he's setting up a space tax haven. for himself, presumably. You know the way to do it is to not, to save on having to get the price of the fare to go up there is what you do, is you order something on Amazon and say that that's the address and then... Oh, they'll deliver it. And then deliver it, but hop in the box before they deliver it.

Oh, good idea. And then you get a free ride. And I'm looking at this. It's going to be able to dock with every different company. and it's being made, the people who design the habitat, it's called Bigelow Aerospace. Like it literally juice Bigelow in space. No one is going to use it. Not if it's got a Boeing.

It's like, no one's going to go up there. Well, no, but except the SpaceX, the SpaceX will be able to go up there. And also, funnily enough, the Russian Soyuz, which by virtue of being entirely a state run, actually works. So the Russians will be able to dock there as well. So this is the future. Jeff Bezos is going to be living, presumably, on this space station, on this Blue Origin Orbital Reef thing. And that will finally, I mean, all the billionaires will live in space. We can only hope that Boeing is the one that ferries up and down, because the chances of an amazing catastrophe are considerably higher if Boeing's involved. It's extraordinary, because the international, I'm just reading, the International Space Station cost $100 billion to build.

Like, how are they going to make their money back on that? What's the cost of a night? The Reef, Orbital, whatever it's called. Well, Orbital Reef, yeah, I'm not sure. But Charles, I honestly think this is part of the funding model because people love space disaster movies. I think that the movie that's going to be made, part of that money will go towards it,

the rights for the disaster. But I just hope that the two astronauts have very good life insurance because they're going to be immortalised, posthumously in a very short period of time. Do you think you can just say, can you miss your flight? Oh, yes. One of those sorts of things is, oops, sorry, I'll have to get the next one down. That's what I do.

You know what I'd be doing if I was them right now. You'd trick one of the other astronauts to put themselves on standby. Oh, that's good. Wait, don't you just pretend you've got COVID, like cough and... Oh, I can't possibly go. I can't travel. Sorry, yeah, yeah, you have to get someone else to do it. Just amazing.

This is going to be a very morbid episode in a few days, isn't it? But this is the great thing. We've got it in beforehand. It's just, it's cynical speculation about corporations insensitive to human life. It's not us that's insensitive, Charles. It's the corporations. Yeah, I blame capitalism. Yeah, yeah.

Late capitalism, late is in deceased. Our gear is from Road. We're part of the Iconoclast network. We'll keep you up to date with this about to be breaking story. I think it is going to break on up in reentry yes a breaking up story yeah thank you for your patience your call is important can't take being on hold anymore fizz is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes mobile plans start at $15 a month certain conditions apply details at fizz.ca