The Chaser Report - A Good News Day? | Craig Reucassel | Sean Kelly

Episode Date: November 3, 2021

Craig has a flawless solution for how to improve the Melbourne Cup for everyone involved, and Charles tells more tall-tales in another game of Fiction or Furphy. Meanwhile Sean Kelly briefly stops by to chat about the Macron-Morrison tension, with a longer chat coming on Monday. Plus the team wonders if there are some days when they shouldn’t talk about the biggest story in the country. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by Aldi Brandless Cola. I mean, I honestly just want to say, are you okay? Coke is like 50 cents extra. You can do it. You can just buy a Coke. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Thursday the 4th of October 2021. I'm Dom Knight. We have Charles Firth, Gabby Belt and Craig Roocastle here today on a very happy day. It is a very happy day.

We can finally make jokes about that missing girl, Cleo. Cleo, she's been found. Charles, no, that was the only good thing that's happened in 2021 is that they found her and she's fine. Yeah, so we can now, now that she's fine, we can make, we can't we? No, we can't. Pretty sure that's the definition of punching down, Charles. I mean, I'm amazed that Craig saying too soon on something. You're getting middle-aged, Craig.

But it's all, it's a good story. It's a happy story. There's no tragedy there. So let's just work through, Charles. Let's work through. Maybe you're right. Maybe it's good. So firstly, I guess we need to find out your position on this.

So I understand where you're coming from comedically. Are you pro or con her being found? Where are you on that? Look, for fear of being cancelled, I'm going to say, I'm very happy for everyone involved. It's a good start. I got to say, I love the Charles has waltzed in here being like, it's a happy story. The child who was stolen for several weeks and locked in a house by her.

self is alive. Like, being alive, yeah, I'm glad she was found alive. But, like, childhood trauma is surely being suffered now. It's not exactly a positive story to make jokes about. Yeah, well, certainly not since you bought childhood trauma. Since you said those words, we were sort of being jolly. We were joking about the idea of doing a segment on it. And then when you said childhood trauma, then we were doing the segment.

The childhood was not. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say what I was about to say. But I think there's a lesson in this for me as a parent. I am firstly put one of those air-tag things on my child's leg and just get it surgically implanted. But secondly, you know why she was found? It's an amazing thing.

The reason, and just incredible work by the police, the reason why she was found is because the person who kidnapped her, I don't know who it was at this point when we're recording, was buying nappies and the neighbour knew that they didn't have a kid because Cleo was still using nappies even though she's four. And I've been on it my daughter for literally the past about 15 months to toilet train. I get so upset.

I've tried everything. I cannot get her to poo in... She's three and a half, and I cannot get her to poo in the toilet rather than in nappies. And now I'm like, darling, you're wearing nappies till you're 20.

That's right. Between this and watching the barbadook for the first time on the weekend, I think I... I mean, I've said it before, I'll say it again. I'm never having a child. Like, it all just sounds like a negative, negative situation.

Horrible. But the other lesson is don't go camping, isn't it? Isn't that the other lesson from this? Like, I was thinking that was what your lesson was going to be from the Babadour. And don't read your children stories. No, that lesson is don't own a home in that case. I mean, I haven't said the Babadook.

I can't watch horror. Oh, you're very squeamish, aren't you? I'm very squeamish. There's no gore in the barbadook. You'll be fine. It's very scary, though. Yeah, I don't like scary. But, I mean, camping, like you're in an environment where you can break into someone's tent,

just by doing a zip. That's stupid. And also, you know, the whole. Lindy Chamberlain thing. Like, this has happened before. Parents should know that you never go camping. You never go camping. Because it's really uncomfortable.

And never go outdoors. No. Probably is good. The great outdoors, it's not that great. No. And look, if she hadn't been found, almost certainly, like, we would have been hung the parents ultimately out to dry. Yes.

Just for a decade or so. Just for a decade. And they would have been redeemed. I think he's going to be interesting, if she linked to the camp, he's going to be interesting to see the boating camping fishing advert take on this. So what have we concluded at the end of this conversation? Should we or should we not have talked about Cleo Smith? It's a topical podcast.

We talk about the news of the day. This is the news of the day. Should we abandon the plan of the podcast and do something else? Probably, yeah. Maybe, yeah. Coming up on the show, Craig has a flawless solution about the Melbourne Cup. Also today, political commentator Sean Kelly on the Morrison Macron scandal. and more tall tales from me as we play another round of fiction or furfee.

That's all coming up. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Danamuno with the Chaser News headlines straight after this. Joe Biden has cemented his position as the most left-wing president that America has ever had. The leader pledged yesterday that the superpower's next invasion would be 100% carbon neutral. Scott Morrison has claimed to the UN Climate Summit that Australia will become a world leader in carbon capture. Experts say this is true, mainly because no one else is dumb enough to invest in the technology.

After a week of scandals, Scott Morrison has finally taken responsibility for something. On Wednesday morning, Cleo, the missing toddler in Western Australia, was found alive and well. Within minutes, the Prime Minister, had congratulated himself on social media for her recovery and promised he would be taking full responsibility for the feel-good story of the year.

That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust. Subscribe to the Chaser Report in your podcast app of Joyce. And remember, I'm Rebecca Dana Muno and I'm available for bar mitzvahs, weddings, funerals, and I'll even do the odd hit job for the right price. Craig Rukassel, when he's not saving the world as a climate warrior and war on waste guy. Also consults for various nefarious organisations for a segment we call

Craig's Flawless Solutions. Caution might contain floors. Hello again, Craig. Good to be here. Good to be here. Who's paying your bills this one? Yes, I'm being employed by the Melbourne Cup. Wow.

To fix the Melbourne Cup, which of course was on this week. What was what's wrong with the Melbourne Cup? It's an icon of the Australian calendar. I know, I know. It's a great way that people of Melbourne love to celebrate and get dressed up. But there is a few things about it at the moment. People are turning against a little bit because of the old the killing of horses occasionally, that kind of stuff.

But isn't that part of the enjoyment? Well, yeah, look, that is generally the mainstream of you, Charles. Of course, I know that you only attend for the killing of the horses. I've been with you to the Melbourne car, if you just turn you back on the race. Occasionally we go, Charles, I think they're going to put one down. You're like, oh, finally. The green blinds are here, I'm paying attention.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, now that you work for them, Craig, I'm happy to see that you made it around the entire lap and weren't euthanized. It's really nice. Exactly. To see that you've been put to use. Yeah, it's also, I am quite short, so they got me in. Yes, exactly. But no, look, so they just see, is there a way to overcome that kind of stigma about the fact that the horses are getting killed?

And there's a couple of solutions I've come up with, I think, and I don't want to speak too early, maybe flawless. Oh, good. Oh, great. Well, when have your solutions ever had? Where I've ever been. So the first one I'm thinking is what you do is you make it so that people can complain a lot less about it, right? Because you go, look, there's a parity here. So yes, occasionally a horse may be flogged or die, but we do it in such a way that the owner also succumbs to the same end.

Oh. So the owners are, you know, in the side of the track in a little cage before they're in their own little cage, you know, one, two, they line up. We're probably, I think they should wear the same colors as well. Yes. And the jockeys? So it's like a syndicate. Yeah, it's like a syndicate. And the owner is there.

And of course, so if the horse gets whipped, they get whipped. Oh, yes. And of course, if the horse does happen to trip over at some point in the race, vets come out, well, it's only there. What if they, so that the horse breaks its leg? Yeah. But the vet decides, oh, well, we don't actually have to kill it this time. No, just the great bit.

You can just break the owner's leg. Well, this is a good bit, is it you would give the owner the obvious choice at that point going, well, what do you want? Are we breaking your leg or are we putting you down? I love it. I think it just adds that extra element. It's a bit more squid game to the Melbourne Cup. And so, I mean, I presume most of the owners would usually get drunk, wouldn't they? Isn't there a problem that then they'd have to give the horses beer and champagne?

and they'd be very unsteady on their feet during the race. Wouldn't it slow down the race? It's not that everything that happens to the owner happens to the horse. It's also, to be fair, it's also not that everything that happens to the horse happens to the owner. For instance, you don't have a short person sitting on the owner for the whole time.

But you should, why not? Actually, that would make it more flawless, I think. But also, the owner gets all the money. The owner gets millions of prizes. Why doesn't the horse just get to eat the owner's money? Instead, as I put it in a feed bag. I think that's great. It's good.

It's good. Already I think you just, like, now there may still be protest saying we shouldn't kill horses, but I think in most cases they go, look, we've been pretty fair about this. Yes, yes. Especially because it's people like John Singleton, isn't it? And Jerry Harvey, who own horses. Like, I have a feeling that I think, you know, even the jockeys would be sort of trying to trip the horses over. Yeah, and I think Jerry Harvey actually signed his horse's horses.

up to job care, they didn't it? That's right. The good thing as well, because I think the person that won this one, the owner that won it, had two horses in as well. You know, it's like double the jeopardy.

Like, he could have both won the cup and also been put down at the same time. It's been great. Yeah, that's great. Now, that's, if that doesn't,

there is, I do have one other solution. I think that one is probably, I mean, that is pretty good. It's false. It's false. Can we bet on the outcome

of the owners being killed as well? In sort of a death pool situation? Of course, Tom, of course, it's this Australia. You can bet on everything. This is the very nature. What would be the point of doing it if you couldn't bet on it? You couldn't bet on it in some way.

The other thing I was thinking is, and another way to turn and take away some of the complaint is that, you know, people are like, they love horses, they're a majestic animal, and, you know, all we were going to do with them in the end is put them out to pasture and they were going to have a beautiful rest of their life. Yeah. So what if we changed the Melbourne Cup

to be cattle? and you ride cattle. Because then... Yeah, it's when they get put out to pasture. Well, if they trip over and somebody comes out and shoots them, you're like, well, it was going to happen next week anyway. It just takes a lot of these, like a lot of the pressure is taken off. Steaks all round.

Yeah, nose to plate. Well, it would increase the steaks. But then I presume... Oh, God, the sweepstakes. I presume then the same thing happens to the owner. The owner also gets trust and carved up and served to the crowd, right? Well, well, if you put both... together, Dom, which is a brilliant idea.

So cows, can you ride a cow? I mean, just out of interest. If the jockey was small enough, surely that would be right. I mean, this is the thing. Cows can take a lot of weight, I reckon, don't you reckon? I don't think I've ever seen anyone riding a cow, and I feel there might be a reason why. I think that's just because they're not enjoyable to ride.

Have you not, sorry, have you not gone to a rodeo? Oh, yeah. No, no, but they're bulls. They're different. Gabby's face is suggesting that maybe they're not different charts. If you can win the Moment Cup on the back of a raging bull, I think you deserve the price of it, exactly. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by your partner hating ice skating.

It's true. You were right, they hate it, and there's no reason they should pretend to like it in front of strangers. And it's not weird of you to bring this up, okay? You should confront them about this. You should tell them. You should tell them how you feel. So Sean Kelly's here. His new book about Scott Morrison is called The Game, A Portrait of Scott Morrison.

It is out now. We're going to talk to him about it in detail for an episode that comes out on Monday. But, Sean, as you're here, can you get your read on the whole Macron and climate, kind of roving catastrophe that seems to be going on at the moment, where there's leak, counter leak. I mean, you're in the press office for Rudin Gillard. How's it doing at this point? Oh, you would be absolutely running around like a headless chook right now

if this was happening, if you were in the PM's office, it is, it's very strange. Normally diplomacy happens at this really subterranean level, and people say, they utter a sentence and they add a couple of words in, and suddenly that's international news, and everybody's reading the tea leaves. But this is not that. This is Macron openly calling the Prime Minister of another country a liar. I don't think so. I know so. Incredible, incredible.

And the US president, you know, Biden meanwhile saying, this was clumsy. and then our government seems to be leaking private text messages from the French president. I mean, honestly, it is hard to overstate the strangeness of this situation. So, I mean, has the government ever leaked private text messages before? Like, that seems like such a huge, like, you'd be pissed off if your friend did it to you. Wouldn't you? Yeah. Didn't we hack Angela Merkel or something?

Wasn't there some weird thing like that? Did we? Oh, huh. Look, if anybody did, we did. I can't recall it happening. I don't want to say never, but I can't remember it happening. Yeah. Because we were discussing yesterday on the podcast that, because Genghis Khan was the person

who invented diplomacy, and he used to, if people didn't obey the rules of diplomacy, so he respected, you know, other people and didn't murder them, you know, if they were coming on a diplomatic mission. But if they ever broke diplomatic rules, he'd just murdered them. And it was, would, you know, if Scott Morrison leaked Genghis Khan's text messages, would he have murdered Genghis Khan? I think the answer is, yes. Undoubtedly, undoubtedly, yeah, really gruesomely.

Yeah, that's right. All right, quick fact check, Angola Merkel's phone was hacked, not by us. We tried to get into Yudiyono's phone, our spy agency. So we've tried to do this in that sense. But no, it's this weird kind of dog-eat dog. And I don't know, it's just compelling. embarrassing and we were feeling a bit like other leaders are ganging up on Morrison. So I'm just wondering if, like, is he running out of time and credibility at this point, do you think? Or do you

think he's going to skate through it? Well, I mean, I think you have two elements here. You have the international level. Now, there's a really open question, I think, as to whether the things that international leaders say on the world stage mean as much as they once did. I mean, I was saying before that the subtlety has given way to loudspeaker. And maybe in this world of everybody endlessly performing and endlessly yelling at each other on Twitter, those words mean as little as any other words? Maybe it's not as big a deal as it seems. But then domestically, I don't think Morrison will care very much. I don't think, you know, somebody said to me yesterday, I think on Twitter, there isn't a marginal voter in the country. He's going to be suddenly swung in

their voting habits because the French president decided to have a go. I don't think it's important in Australia. But it was pretty embarrassing, you know, on, you know, Tuesday night, I think it was, where he was walking around without a mask on. And no one, no one would even talk to him. Like, that's got a place. And that was all over Channel 7, Channel 9. Like, he just looks like he's isolated, like just visually.

Like, even if you don't know the detail, you know, he just kept on being snubbed. Like, why did he, why did he not wear his mask? I don't have an answer to that. I will say, and I know this makes me sound like a spoil sport. When it comes to reporting on foreign trips, I do think, you know, perhaps in Morrison's defence, very small things often get reported, get overreported. And that's because the press are sent overseas, they have a tiny amount of time to file stories. They're under immense pressure. They're under even more pressure than they used to be because they're all having to defend their

budgets, because of course the media has less money than it used to. So they have to come up with stories to justify their networks, their newspapers, sending them overseas. And so I think sometimes very tiny things get blown up. Now, the McCron thing obviously isn't a tiny thing, but Morrison walking around being snubbed, I'm just, I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Yeah, right. And finally, what about climate?

Because this has been a very long road. You were in Canberra for much of the whole, all the imbroglia with Rudd and Gillard and now this. And Morrison made a change, man. the Australian way, a plan to let technology save us. Do you think people are buying it internationally and do you think it'll work domestically? I absolutely don't think people are buying it internationally. It is incredible if you watch the series of international figures

willingly being interviewed on television right now about Australia's position. I mean, why are they willing to talk about, you know, a medium-sized nations are really a small nation's climate policy? It's because it's so far behind the rest of the world. And I think there is some small danger that that becomes symbolic, that becomes symbolic of what countries can do if they simply decide to break off from the international consensus. No, Australia's position is embarrassing. And it's really sad. You know, I was in Copenhagen, travelling with Kevin Rudd, what's that, 12 years ago.

And there was some sense that perhaps a deal could be broken. And I remember when Obama flew in towards the end of that trip, there was a ripple through the conference centre. everybody got a little bit excited and then within 36 hours that hope had just died away and coming back from that conference it was incredibly sad genuine feelings of sadness I think in everyone

and 12 years on things are still moving far too slowly and in this country in particular they are just moving at sloth's pace it's horrible to see. Right well we're nowhere in climate but at least France hates us we've achieved something

Look, I'm all here for freedom fries over French fries. I'm here for that rhetorical shift if that's what we have to do. I think it's got a good ring to it. All right. We'll have a longer chat with Sean about the origins of Scott Morrison's persona and can you eat scomosis that's on Monday here on the Taster Report. This episode is brought to you by the COVID sex line. Are you stuck indoors?

Frustrated that you can't go on any Tinder dates or make inappropriate sexual advances on your co-workers. Well, you should call 0100 COVID sex. COVID sex. There are 10 breathtaking women here waiting for you, gasping with desire. Fiction or Fifee. Welcome to another installment of Fiction or Furfi. This is the game where Charles Furt tells a story that is either fiction,

which means made up or a Furfi, a true story that's somewhat exaggerated. We have Gabby and Loughlin ready to tell fiction from Furphy. Gabby, are you ready to tell fiction from Furphy? Gabby, are you ready to try and pick where the Charles is lying? Oh, I never am. So this happened about two years ago. We just come off a couple of years of doing radio on Triple M. And we wanted to make an album of all our best sketches, right?

And the idea for the title of the album was live in Engadine, right? It's a good topical reference that all lasts until the end of the day. Yeah, exactly, right. But we didn't have a photo. There's no shutter stock photo library you can go to to get a photo of Engadine Maccas. So I volunteered to drive out there to take a whole lot of photos of Engadine Maccas. And I arrived there at about 3pm. That is the time when all the school kids flock around Engadine Maccas.

So I'm trying to get this photo of a fairly deserted Engadine Maccas. But instead, no matter what angle, I'm getting all these photos. basically school girls hanging outside the front of Ingrid Mackers, eating their junior burger and their cheese burger. Anyway, after a while, this guy comes up to me, winds down the window of his SUV four-wheel drive. And basically, well, let's just say, you know you're losing an argument when you say,

no, no, I'm not a pedophile. I'm just taking a photo of the building, not the people hanging out the front of the building. building. Anyway. No, this is my flatmate's shirt. Was Charles trying to get a picture of an empty building? Is this a furphy, a largely tree story that's been embellished or a fiction?

What do you think, Gabby? I mean, I want to say fiction just for Charles's credibility sake. But I'm going to have to say fervi because I just feel like it sounds like one of those things that would just happen to him. Yeah, furfee embellished. Charles was at Maccas buying food himself. He was in the drive-thru probably as well, and it all happened. Look, it's a furphy.

It was largely true. I turned up there. And the thing was, I just kept on having to argue. No, no, no. This is where the Prime Minister shed his pants in 1997. It's got nothing to do with the school girls. This has been fiction or furthy. I remember that story happening, actually,

because that was the name of the album we were going to do. And Charles did take photos without people in them from a large distance away, and now I know why. Well, we had to pull the album in the end. No. This has been fiction or furthy, furthy, unbelievable. Today's episode of The Chase Report brought to you by Peter Dutton Offshore Child Care

Pay for us to take your child for three days and we'll give you an extra four years free Peter Dutton Offshore Child Care Craig gave in Charles I got some good news I had my third dose today I went and got my third I'm super vacs Are you that sick? Yes

Are you on death door that Because I thought it was just like literally only people who are minutes away from dying. Yeah, and shout out to my immunologist who occasionally listens to this podcast. Thanks for all of your service. No, but I got it in the best way. And this is a little bit of a tip for listeners. Oh, yes. Because it hasn't been six months.

Ooh. Oh. It hasn't been six. But my GP had all this Pfizer that was about to run out. Yes. So they was just like, ah, five months. It's fine. Just stick it in the arm.

So it's actually not unethical if you do that because it was. never going to go to African nations that only have 0.4% vaccination rates anyway. We probably owe it back to Singapore or something. I don't know what the deal is. So just when does it ethical for rich white people to get a third dose before the rest of the world? Well, this is the thing. Our whole plant is actually not ethical at all. No, none of the boosters are slightly.

It's deeply, deeply unethical to get a booster shot. But it also shows how fundamentally selfish we all are. Yes. Like, let's face it. We are all going to get loose to shots, aren't we not. It's the one interesting, like, it's where you're not, people aren't generally complaining about the fact that we got it first. As a matter of fact, we were complaining that we didn't get it early enough.

Oh, we were complaining so much. We were furious. Yes, and it was based on the expectation that, well, we're rich. We should just get it ahead of Paul. But it would it be funny to see if Scott Morrison had run that argument. Rather than running that, it's not a race argument, he'd run the argument, I believe the third world should get a first one. Well, he actually, because the thing was he said...

No one would have believed him. He said Australians of the front of the queue for vaccines. He actually said those words. And we're all like, yeah, of course. Of course we are. That's our position. That's our God-given position. If he had run the argument that Dom will be ahead of the front of the queue for the third jab,

I would have opposed to him. Yeah, I sort of becoming an anti-vexer. Dom, Dom, are you at all worried, though, because you did get this cheeky third booster at a month early that maybe you'll start growing like another arm. or something? Like, what have you become like the Terminator? What would be the downside of having a third arm?

That would be fantastic. Yeah, I suppose that's true. More things to waive at. John's existing two arms are so weak and a third arm would only really bring him up to normal parity of two-arm people. It would basically make him have 0.6 of an arm in total. Because each arm is about one-tenth.

Yeah. Well, that means, I mean, I should probably go and get a fourth dose if I get a third arm. Can I suppose? I apologize the people of Australia for that. Can I just apologise for that? Charles made a joke there, but he got the maths wrong. And he claimed that three times one-tenth was point six,

and obviously that's point three. We're really sorry. Like, you know, we'd like to make jokes and stuff on this kind of thing, but sometimes we should be, you know, there's certain things you can't get wrong with us. I'm sorry. And Charles, I was not respectful to the Numerary Australian community, which you were apparently in the way.

So my tip is anyway, just, you know, not comedy thing. Just go to your GP and see if they've got any cheeky fires lying around. Yeah. Just take advantage of the system put it in place to benefit everyone in the country. Look, okay, I'm at the front of the queue, but I'm sicker than all of you fucks. So, you know, our gears from road microphones, we're part of the ACAST, Creator Network. Please leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Five stars is very welcome.

But the main is something mean. Yes. We love the meaning about Dom. There's been a few. Oh, really? Oh, great. Yeah, but they're all five star. That's the great thing about it.

Yeah, that's great. I take them in jest, even though they're probably not meant in jest. Yeah. But you can say something mean about Craig. as well yeah yeah give five stars but be mean to me that's like literally the most fun i could have in life catch you tomorrow