The Chaser Report - A Message From Professor Trump

Episode Date: August 6, 2020

This week’s news is dreadful, so Charles brings us all the headlines from August 2019. Plus Nina gets her wisdom teeth out and Dom discovers Covid sniffer dogs – plus Rebecca De Unamuno with the latest Chaser breaking hogwash. 
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Instacart, groceries that over deliver. In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth, and with me today are Nina Oyama and Dom Knight. Hello.

Oh, and what a week of thing. Oh, it's the shittiest week. I keep thinking. Has it? We've had the shittiest week of 2020, and then another week happened. Haven't you been reading the news? No, I actually had the best week of my life because I had my wisdom teeth out, so I've just been watching Netflix and eating ice cream and jelly all day and not reading the news.

And it's been a really lovely time. Did I miss anything? Oh, that sounds right, because I've been reading Netflix and overeating, but I haven't been ignoring the news. But I just feel like there's nothing going on. What have I missed? Nina, you're really not going to enjoy it. this podcast because we're going to update you on all the horrible things that have happened this week. Oh no. Well, I might call my Dennis and ask to get another tooth out. I think that's a good

plan. But look, one thing that happened this week was incredibly entertaining and it's got the whole world talking really is Australia's very own Jonathan Swan on Axios interviewing Donald Trump. That sounds good. It was so funny. Look, it's worth watching the whole thing. But the one thing I want to focus in on, before we get into the podcast proper, is an exchange to do with test. Now, we all know testing is the most important way to beat COVID-19. Yes. We're doing heaps of it in Australia. It's going quite well.

We're good at it. Because Jonathan Swan asked him one simple question. It took him several minutes to answer. He asked, when is everyone else in America going to get the same day testing that you have in the White House? Trump does a test, gets the results same day. Everyone else waits weeks for their numbers. What, in the US? Yeah, they do.

And so that's why no one stays at home. No one self-isolates. It's a total disaster. Sounds like Melbourne. So Swan asked him, and he gave a several minute-long answer full of amazing bits and pieces. And what I love about Swan is he just keeps jumping in. And if he can't get an answer to the question, he asked, he'll get him to commit to answering any question. Have a listen.

You know, there are those that say, you can test too much. You do know that. Who says that? Oh, just read the manuals, read the books. Manuals? Read the books. Read the books. What books?

What testing does? No, I'm sorry. Just, wait a minute, let me explain you. He never read a book or a manual about this, has he? I don't even think he can read. He just watches Fox News. Yeah, every piece of information on his desk has to be written, like, in massive font text. Oh, that's just a baby boomer thing, though.

That's not a dumb thing. That is true. The funniest thing about the interview for me is that even though Swan's giving him a very hard time, just constantly looking like he's talking to an idiot, like all the cutaways to his facial expressions are just hilarious. Trump's still, because it's the media, he desperately needs prize. Have a listen to this.

We didn't even have a test. When I took over, we didn't even have a test. Now, in all fairness, there was no test. The virus didn't exist. How would you have a test? I was going to say. There was no test for this.

We didn't have a test because there was new tests. In a very short order, we got one test, we got another test. It was broken. Many of those tests are now obsolete because we've, you know, it's called science. It's called science, guys. It's called science. You can't have a test for a virus. It doesn't exist.

I mean, you can't fault that. Before it exists. I did science in high school, and that's what we call a fact. Yeah, well, don't need it. But, look, eventually, Swine, and I really admire this, he's like a terrier. He doesn't give up. He keeps trying to get an answer to his original question. When are we going to have these same day tests for the rest of the country?

And look, he gets an answer. You know, so it's three or four or five days. There's nothing you do about that. But when do you think we'll have it for everyone? I think that you will have that relatively soon. I mean, again, you already have. You already have half. Yeah.

I would much rather get back to you because I don't want to have you right in one month. I didn't make it. I missed it by a day and it's a headline. I think that the answer's going to take even longer than the tests, too, guys. Coming up, we've got an absolutely amazing show. Nina, what are you doing? I talk about getting my wisdom teeth out and living with housemates during coronavirus. I've got lots of COVID-19 news, including some bizarre detection methods.

Speaking of tests, looking at poo, and dogs. Nina, you said you didn't know any news this week? No, I've just been taking Panadine Fort and blissing out. So I am going to update you with all the news that's happened. Fantastic. This week a year ago. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Glad I'm here for this episode. Yes. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and Mano with the Chesa News headline. Is this from 2021, 2019? A man fined for dipping into Super has been forced to dip into Super. Super to pay the fine. Carter Smelts originally took $5,000 out, thinking that because it was his money and he was

allowed to take it out, he would not be penalised for it. But the Assistant Minister for Superannuation, Jane Hume, said that the government had made it perfectly clear in a series of impenishable press briefings that just because they had allowed early access to your super did not mean you were allowed to access your super. A woman who says that being called Karen is the worst thing that has ever happened to her is coming to the dawning realization that perhaps she's had an incredibly easy life. The woman said she'd been standing in a cafe asking minimum wage staff where her fucking piccolo was when she'd been yelled at with the slur.

She said that being called Karen was an horrific experience and that before that the worst thing that had ever happened to her was having her piccolo arrive late. Alan Jones has condemned Victoria's lockdown from his private rural bunker. Speaking on Sky News, the shock jocks said the coronavirus was nothing to worry about, especially if you had access to a private rural bunker. That's the latest Chaser News. Thanks, Beck. Hey, Beck, did you see TikTok might be sold to Microsoft?

Yeah, I can't wait. Really? Why? I'm just a huge Microsoft fan. You know, I only search for things on Bing. I always use Cortana as my personal assistant, and I listen to all my music on Zoom. I'm sure Microsoft won't stuff up TikTok. Yeah, it sounds like it's going to be great. The Chaser Report.

News, less often. The Chaser Report is brought to you by Dr. Trump's coronavirus testing. It didn't exist four years ago, and now it does. That's science. The Chaser Report, less news, more often. Now look, the latest news on COVID-19, if you had actually read it, Nena, it's harrowing, it's horrible, there's heaps of cases in Victoria. It's going very badly.

But all the other news services have that. What we do is look for some COVID stories that have been over. looked elsewhere due to their relentless focus on what's important, whereas here at the Chaser report, we bring you COVID watch. So we talked about testing in terms of Donald Trump, and we know that our current test in Australia, they take 24 to 72 hours, that is too long. But there are some new tests on the way, and it turns out that dogs can actually sniff whether you have COVID-19. Isn't that an extraordinary thing?

Really? Yeah, apparently they're doing this in the US. they've got airport sniffer dogs, not just for drugs, but also for coronavirus. Oh, that's interesting, because you can't hide coronavirus up your butthole. I've tried. Yeah, apparently it changes your sweat slightly, like COVID sweat has a slightly different stench from the regular sort. Ew.

Imagine going to a COVID gym, super stinky. This is very intriguing, Dom. So how does it work? Do they, do they, because I don't trust medical. science unless the people are wearing a lab coat. Do they dress the dogs up in little doggy lab coats? Well, they can't have face shields or they can't smell the COVID sweat. But no, they're doing this at Adelaide Union.

Apparently some dogs have 100% success in detecting COVID. Yeah, I presume they've just adapted their corpse sniffer dogs. Yeah, they should retrain those dogs to be able to sniff out drugs with that accuracy because right now it stands at 30%. Can you imagine training, though, a dog to be able to sniff something? What treats would you give a dog that had managed to detect COVID? Cocaine. What it deserves for being a good boy.

But do you think if you can get dogs to sniff for absolutely anything, like can we use this for other purposes? Should I be training my dog to smell? Depression? Because then my dog would finally sniff me. No, I'm kidding. That's too sad. I think we need to go after, like COVID is a good step

because I always saw the sniffed dogs for drugs was sort of It's like just picking on poor people who carry around some dope on them. Well, they're not poor because they sell that stuff. But anyway. But, you know, like it's hardly the, they should go for things like white-collar criminals. Oh, yeah. You can actually sniff out, you know, rich bankers. And, yeah, just go around the eastern suburbs of Sydney.

And, yeah, yeah, exactly, tax avoidance schemes. Yeah, well, the CBA could get a team of dogs to sniff where their customers are dead and they shouldn't stop charging it. But look, that's not the only thing. Talking about smelling coronavirus, you can also detect it in sewage. They used this technology in Perisher Valley recently and worked out that that place was rife with rich people's COVID poo. Are you worried by the thought of scientists going through our poos

and seeing what's in the sewage from our southern? It's very invasive, isn't it? I mean, I really like to keep my poos private. Like, I think, you know, having this sort of public domain poo testing sort of thing. After you flush it down the toilet, you want some level of privacy. How do they know whose poo is witch, though?

Oh, they know. You have to label it? They get the dog in. Oh, yeah. You can imagine that someone like Nimman. Someone like Nimman, the sewage is probably smokeable. Look, how did, the thing that intrigues me about these stories, how did they get the scientists to do this in the first place?

Is it just that the government holds science in such low, regard that they've been already relegated to the sewer. Yeah. And then the scientists went, oh, look, there's some interesting information here. The government said, look, just go and smell shit. And they're like, we can make that work. Oh, yes. But no, apparently this is going to be useful to work out, like, which suburbs have COVID

and which don't around the sort of place. I'm just worried that someone will figure out the terrible diet that I, not get in trouble with my wife. But there's also talk, this isn't it where things get really sinister. If you thought sewage was sinister, they talk about drones. going around in the sky, scanning people's temperature and their heart respiration rates and seeing if people are coughing and sneezing. Is that helpful to try and get on top of this thing? Or is it a fresh new nightmare? What do you think, Naina?

I think it's too much. I think I always have a problem whenever I go for a run and I get really exhausted afterwards. I'm like, oh, do I have COVID or am I just unfit? And I feel like the drones will really not give me an option. They should use the drones just to identify unfit people. Yeah. That's a great idea. If the drone could chase them and they'd get lots of exercise. Wait, I have a better idea. What if they put a dog

strapped it into the drone and flew the dog around and the dog could sniff from the air? Amazing. I love it. Who would... And then when the dog shat. But the uni of essay lab,

the professor that runs it says, you know, we don't want to be the bad guys in all of this. So I'm imagining just this, you know, we'll go further into this dystopia that 2020 seems to have taken us into. What will drones be able to do soon? Like if the current ones can tell who's sick, like five years from now, what do you think drones are going to be able to do? God, imagine

2025. I don't even want to think about it. Yeah, I mean... I feel like I've seen this Black Mirror episode. Well, you've got to do is you've got to get into the brain of Peter Dutton. You have to, like, what would Peter Dutton want to do with those drones? Oh, genocide, for sure. Genocide or accurately count the numbers in a leadership spill. now we do try and keep across the best COVID fine news here and look there have still been lots of COVID fines they've been for things we talked about before like Pokemon Go

and McDonald's so I don't want to go into too much detail except for one from Queensland where they've set up an AFL bubble they've moved a whole bunch of AFL players in their families up to the Gold Coast to the Mercure or something like that it's a reality show in the making but they managed to bust a woman by the name of Brooke Cochin

who is the wife of Richmond Captain Trent Cochin for going to a day spa. What do you reckon the fine is for an AFL players family member? This is for the club, by the way, so it's pretty high. What do you reckon the fine could be just for her going to a day spa for a day? Oh, okay.

I think it's pretty high because a day spa is like massage, treatment. I'm even going through the door legitimately would be very expensive. Yeah. Yeah, it's probably, well, it would be at least $500 for the day spa. Oh, at least. Should we say $5,000 is the fine? I'm going to, I always go really high because I feel like it's real down.

I'm going to say $75,000. Oh, it's not going to be $75,000 for this breach. Wow. They've already fined AFL clubs, a total of about $180,000 for all the breaches that have occurred already. And look, that's where everyone's membership's going. If you paid your membership this season. Straight on that. And she actually got busted because of some incredible detective work by the AIS.

I felt, no, not at all. She Instagrammed about it. She wrote the most incredible experience today. My skin was in desperate need of some love. I knew I was in the right place as soon as I walked through the doors of esteem. The day spa had the same name as our fake cosmetic products on CNN and N before it was born, Charles. Yes, esteemed because you need it.

That was the slogan. She did need it. Yeah. She did. Let's head now to Norway finally. Well, you'll never guess what happened aboard the MS. Rold Amundsen. I'll give you a clue.

It was a cruise ship. Oh, was the thing that happened, coronavirus? That's just a guess. That's just a wild guess based on nothing, no research at all. How did you know? I mean, the poor cruise line sent out their cruise boat in the middle of a pandemic. Who knew that there would be 41 positive tests with COVID-19? Oh my God.

It's not like this has ever happened before. How were they allowed to do it? I have no idea. But the other thing is 180 people disembarked. And they're now trying to find where they are. It's like they've never heard of the Ruby Princess or the Diamond Princess. But the dumbest part of this plan, like the crew didn't quarantine at all. So everyone got in there just completely infested.

But they're planning to visit England. One of the most COVID-ridden countries in the whole world. But also, why would you ever send a cruise ship to England? Who would ever go, oh, yes, that sounds like a good idea. Sunny England. We're in Norway. We've got the incredibly beautiful fjords. Let's go and visit

shitty blackpool or something. So in response, Norway has banned all cruisers with more than 100 people aboard. Do you think that's going to fix the problem? Well, no. I think 100 people's like not even a third of the crew on those ships. Like, what are they going to... It'll just be a really boring, dull, like, party.

Is the thinking that therefore only 100 people will get infected with Corona at any time? Yeah, because it's not like you spread it to other people when you get back on the shore. Yeah, what's the... There's no thinking. I think you should just ban cruises. Yeah, I think the whole thing...

No, actually, I think it's a really good idea because they're getting rid of people who like cruises, which I think is probably, you know, it's sort of survival of the fittest, isn't it? Also, the social distancing aspect on those huge ships. You have like a floor per person, basically. Yeah. It's actually a lot cleaner.

They just need to be one-way tickets, don't they? Just dump them all on an island. To the morgue. But look, they were forewarned about all this. I'm not making this up. The name of the cruise line is Hurtigruten. Oh, my God. That's Norwegian for the coronavirus princess.

The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens. So Dom and Charles, as you both know, I got my wisdom teeth out this weekend. What was that like? What did they actually do to you, Nina? Well, they strapped me into a chair, and they gave me a lot of needles full of anesthetics. And then they drilled my tooth out of my mouth.

So it's not pliers. No, I think it was a drill. I wasn't really sure. I was like in and out of consciousness. The last time I went to a dentist to have proper work done, the guy showed me, and I'm not making these up, it's true. The guy showed me a clip of Marathon Man on YouTube. What's Marathon Man?

Do you know what Marathon Man? I can't remember. Dustin Hoffman. And it's a horror movie based in a dentist's chair. Like he's a dentist who keeps sort of torturing people using dental equipment. And he showed you that before you got your teeth. Yeah, they made it down to go the procedure after it's shown me this horror movie about dentists. And when you're kind of going, oh, that's a, it's really upsetting.

But gosh, Dustin Hoffman, what a great performance. Exactly. Your method. Was it to be like, was it to make you feel better? So afterwards you went, well, that wasn't as bad as a literal horror movie. What's better than a well marbled ribeye sizzling? on the barbecue. A well marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully

selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well marbled ribai you ordered without even leaving the kitty pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy zero dollar delivery fees on your first three orders.

Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart. Groceries that over deliver. It probably was. Yeah, I don't know. why he did it yeah he was a real cock I think he's just to fuck with that's a good tried in dentists

well my dentist wasn't that bad she just basically took out my teeth I see a Japanese dentist who is like she's like very aggressive but I think she's like a genius like I came to her and I told her I had problems breathing through my nose and she just pushed her fingers kind of like in my mouth deep into my head and I started crying

and I was like stop stop and she kept pushing her fingers in for about 30 seconds she just kept doing it And then when she let go, she was like, try breathing through your nose now. And then I took a breath and it was super easy. It's incredible because I've tried to achieve that for years by picking my nose. What I should have done is got a dentist to just stick the fingers all the way down to the back. Yeah, completely against my will. And I was crying.

Anyway. And did it last? Like, do you still breathe? Are you a woman? Has she done permanent damage to your breathing system? Well, no, surprisingly. I've actually, it worked perfectly. I'm trying to figure out which pressure points are in my mouth, but it's not as easy because

I keep touching the stitches in my teeth. But basically, I had a problem because when I got home, the night before I had a bit of a fight with my housemates, and so they couldn't take care of me while my wisdom teeth got better. Couldn't or wouldn't? Wouldn't is the better response. Really? Whatever. I mean, what kind of fight is so big that they wouldn't help you in your hour of dental need? Well, you see, we've been living together during coronavirus. I live with three other housemates and they're all boys and we all have our house is like pretty small like we only have one toilet and we all work from home oh no oh gosh so there's definitely a bit of a problem there yeah have you got air freshener I hope you too oh we have loads of air freshener I had this problem

where whenever I wanted to use the bathroom I would go to the toilet and it would be occupied and like it got to the point where there was one day where like every time I wanted to use a bathroom it was completely like always full. And so I had to drive to the local shops and use a public toilet. Oh my God. Because I was like so, I needed to go to the toilet so badly. Wait, but wait a minute. If you do the minute. So you're saying you've got three housemates, they're all men. Yes. Yeah. So that's, there's only 24 hours in a day, Nina. That's like eight hours per man. That makes total sense. Well, so this is my hypothesis because I think it has, I think Peeing is fine, but I think it's taking a dump.

Yeah, I think taking a dump, they all take about 45 minutes to do a shit. And while that is fine, I don't want a shit shame anyone, it did cause me a lot of strife. But, Nina, don't you know that when men live together, their poo cycles get in sync? Wait, doesn't that mean they would all shit at once? They may well have been. You have no way of knowing that the three of them weren't in the bathroom at the same time for two hours. That is lucky for them, though, because when the scientists go through the poo, they won't know whose poo is which. But I did make a tweet about it where I just joked that all men take 45 minutes to take a shit.

I read that tweet while I was on the toilet. Oh, really? That's hilarious. And as a result. I wonder whether the increase in the amount of time it takes for a man to shit coincides with the quality of social media. Like, is it just correlated to Reddit being particularly good this week or Twitter? I don't know.

You tell me you're the men. Maybe you're to blame, Nina, for putting such good content on Twitter that everyone's got to be on their phones on the toilet. Well, I'd like to think so, but I don't think they agree because they've started a bit of a war with me. They stuck a little note on my door that said, stop trolling the house. And when I went to use the bathroom later,

they had stuck a big sign on the toilet that said, males only. That's a human rights violation. Get the sovereign citizens on of them. Hang on. I think I might be on the housemate's side on this, because there's three men, they need, to do their business

that as you've established it takes a long time for them and there's just one woman you can easily get in the car and go off to the shop so like you've proven that but I don't want to I want to be able to stay at home

it took like 20 minutes out of my day anyway that's not privilege the issue is the ensuing fight so basically after that they were not as willing to take care of me and my wisdom teeth

and so I made them an apology video and I'm going to play you some clips from the apology video and I want you to tell me whether it's good or not. Because you know when big, not saying I'm a big celebrity because I'm not, but you know big celebrities get called out for their bad behavior. They always make like a tearful apology video.

And because this toilet scenario was affecting me so much, I made one for my housemates. So I'm going to play a few clips. I just want to apologize unreservedly for my actions this week when I shamed you all on social media for taking 45-minute dumps. It is only now that you have dead. designated the only bathroom in the house as a male's only toilet that I realize the weight of

my words. I like the crying. I think the crying makes it sound sincere. It reminds me of Blair, which project actually. Like, I'm so sorry. Oh, thank you. It's really impressive. I mean, not acting.

The genuine, sincere feelings that I felt were coming through. It's oozing sincerity, Naina. Thank you. Okay, great. Well, I'm glad I passed that first bit. So this is the second part of my apology. It was actually a two-hour apology, so I had to cut it down for brevity. I just, I had no idea my careless words would affect the house dynamics in this way,

and it was not my intention to harm any men. You know, like I have a brother, and I also have a father, and I would never intentionally cause them any hurt. I like that, because using your brother and father as a shield, to sort of go, I understand men. like to protect them. Exactly. Like it's actually something that I've learned from male politicians. How whenever they get called out for misconduct, they just say, well, I have a sister and a mother. So, exempt. Therefore, I love women. Exactly. So I'm just using that as a quick excuse.

Yes. I mean, a true heartfelt moment of retribution. So this is my last clip, which I'd like to play. I'll be taking a break from the common areas. And I just want you to know that like I'm learning. okay like I'm learning and I'm like educating myself on like the male digestive system which I now realize can sometimes be slow and to show that I am truly sorry I will also be doing the washing up for one week once I am recovered from mouth surgery which could take anywhere from a few days to many many years so I'm not I'm not 100% sure and I will be ready I love it because you showed contrition and you actually, you know, offered something that you then never have to follow through on.

Yeah. As part of that symbol of contrition, that's brilliant. And I haven't done the washing up once yet because my mouth is obviously still in lots of pain. I mean, it was effective, but it may, it may backfire because after hearing some of that, I really need to do a dump. I'll see you guys in 45. The Chaser Report, less news, less often. The Chaser Report is brought to you.

by Dr. Trump's coronavirus testing. Do you want same-day testing? Well, we'll have to get back to you on that one. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Now, Nina, you said that you weren't really up on the news this week. No. And the truth is, it's just been a horrible week. Everyone I know who lives in Melbourne is incredibly depressed.

Really, genuinely depressed. It's awful. Yeah, it's just, it really doesn't bear. you know, thinking about. No, we've got to pretend it doesn't exist, as I generally do with Melbourne. But part of the listener promise in this podcast is that we keep you up to date with news. But I was thinking, well, instead of keeping up to date with news that happened like in the last week, why don't we just go back 100 years and keep you up to date with news that happened in August 1920? So I thought we should do that.

And so I looked back to the 7th of August, 1920, which exactly. a hundred years ago. Here's the news that happened this week. The first one is that the swastika was adopted as the official symbol of the Nazi party. Oh. Oh, well, that doesn't bode well. Yeah, I mean, it's a Hindu symbol of peace. What could possibly go wrong?

Yeah, exactly. Federal troops were deployed on this day, 7th of August 1920, in Denver, Colorado to quell protests during a strike at the Denver tramway company. So it's amazing. Like, federal troops were being used exactly 100 years ago as well. It's sort of... To suppress legitimate protest. Oh, fantastic.

And the troops killed five people during that protest. I think you've gone back too far. I feel like the roaring 20s. In between the Spanish flu and World War II, no. Not a good period. So I shouldn't tell you about the Irish Crimes Act, which was introduced into British Parliament. Oh, God.

On this day 100 years ago. Oh, what's that about? It's a hilarious piece of legislation. Basically, outlawed Irish people. Oh, no. Yeah. So they're having a bit of trouble with, you know, the Irish was seen as a sort of criminal race anyway.

And so they decided to deal with that by just making them criminals by law. I mean, Charles, I can't believe you hit upon the one moments in history where the British were a bit racist. I know, exactly, yeah. Yeah, back when the British were even racist to other white people. Yeah, it's other white people. It's great. That's actually evolved over time.

Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so that, a bit of a strikeout on 100 years ago. Yeah, let's scratch that. So 2020 looks... No, it still looks shit, actually. So nothing's changed, is what I'm hearing. So why don't we just go back a year instead? We'll go back to 2019.

That was a good year. It was actually... In hindsight, it was a very good year. And so I'm going to bring you... These are honestly the top three stories of August the 7th, 2019. Right. So the leading... story for that day. I shit you not

was the Australia Post increased the prices on their postage stamps from $1 to $1.10. And there was outrage. Well, that doesn't matter, Charles. I mean, objectively, a year ago, the Post was dead.

No one would ever use it again. For instance, there would never be a situation where people were, I don't know, stuck at home and needed things delivered to their door. I'm surprised they didn't just cancel Australia Post a year ago. Yeah, no, exactly. I think that's right. But the company, Australia Post, actually argued at the time that it was all right

because on average, the proposed change in cost will be less than $1.50 per year to each person. Because on average, people only send about 15 letters. 15 letters a year. So the next big story of the day was that there were moves to ban snapper fishing in South Australia. The government said the stocks had declined by 87% in the Gulf of St Vincent and 23% in the Spencer Gulf. 23% drop in fishing yields. Does that really justify, is that enough to justify a ban on fishing for three years?

Charles, did you make the mistake of looking for the top news story in South Australia? Because I think this would be massive news there. I don't even know where the Spencer Gulf is. No, but this affects all Australians because what if you want to travel to Adelaide to go fishing? No, you've lost me there. I'm actually, what I'm realising is that 2020 is actually quite a dramatic year. And I think I've become addicted to the rush of the highest dates of 2020. And when I read about this snapper fishing, like, I don't want to go back to normal.

I hope the COVID lasts forever because I just can't, there's no rush reading the news back in the day. Yeah, let's just keep do scrolling. That's what we do now. Look for the saddest things just to feel something. Okay, well, if you want something a little bit more sensational... Okay, I'm ready. Back of the Bulletin, you know, sort of if it bleeds, it leads, style story for last year, was that eight tourists almost sank.

Oh, my gosh, people almost died in large numbers. Oh, my God. In a catamaran off Main Beach in the Gold Coast. But were rescued. Oh, thank God. Yeah, yeah, we're later that night they then overdosed in a Gold Coast nightclub, I presume. So there was a bit of a controversy at the time because commentators said that it would be bad for the tourist industry

because there were some German tourists and some Austrian tourists on board. Well, they had no idea what was about to hit him. That's right, exactly. Yeah, I mean, imagine a slight downturn in German and Austrian tourists. That would really stuff up your hotel. Can you think of anything worse for the tourist industry than that? In 2019, no. No, I remember reading about previous pandemics and going,

well, that don't ever happen with modern. medicine. Now, it was quite, they had helicopter footage of the boat on fire. It was quite a dramatic scene on the news. Like a James Bond-esque. Yeah, I mean, it was a small catamaran, but yeah, it still, it had a bit of fire. Sorry, I just need the glamour, unless it's not interesting. But the police said that they didn't think it was suspicious.

They didn't know, but they didn't think it was suspicious, but they wouldn't be investigating anyway because the boat sank and it'd be too hard to find out. So is this a good attitude for people? police to adopt? I'm all for it. I think what I want the police in 2019 to do is just spend every single waking moment stockpiling fucking toilet paper, so we'll be okay in 2020. I love it. I love it. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. The Chaser Report is brought to you by Dr. Trump's coronavirus testing. If you don't get tested,

then you can't get it. The Chaser Report. News, you know. No, you can't trust. Well, that's it for another show. Oh, wait a minute. Rebecca Day in a minute has late-breaking news. How does this surprise you every week? I have a memory of a goldfish, Dom.

The Masked Singer has been cancelled after all the contestants died from having to wear a mask over their faces. Thanks, Beck. That's the end of the show. Check us out at chaser.com.com. Remember to leave a five-star review for us. on Apple iTunes. Or tell the truth if you really like it.

Hi, Mum. And this week, if you put the word banana in your review, you're a bloody legend. Don't people do that? Oh, yeah, a special code. Yeah, Charles will post you something that's not at all dated from 2019. When you're on Facebook, we've now got to Chase your Report Facebook group, so please join that for extra special content. Do we?

Yeah, we do. Are you guys in the group chat without me? I'm going to tell you about this afterwards. This happens with all my friends. I haven't heard of this. But there's nothing new there. And what else? TikTok.

We're back on TikTok. We've been unshadow banned. So check us out there. Instagram. If in the unlikely event that you want more from us after getting to this point in the podcast. Yeah, sure. You know where to find it. Thanks to our very special producer who's stuck in Melbourne.

Mike Libera. And we're going to leave you with an ad for a very special new podcast that we've got from Chaser Studios. A lot of parents are in lockdown at the moment. And they've been saying that they're looking for a podcast that lets them know which wine they should drink while they're looking after their kids. Such a great opportunity for tasting. Yeah. And so we've come up with this podcast. At last, the ultimate podcast for wine lovers.

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Oh, I'm keen to try this one. I'll tell you what, the 100 bucks a bottle costs a fortune, just like the kids. Match your child to the right type of wine every time. I'll tell you what. If your teenager is going through a rebellious phase, you just cannot go past a 2016 Mockingbird Hill, Slate Lane Chares. Oh, I'll give it a go. Oh, it's got a pretty subtle palate, though, Charles.

Oh, I think that's mainly because the kids drank half of it and refilled the bottle with water. The Parents' Guide to Wine Podcast. Out now. Oh, God, this tastes like Windex. Why would a parent ever drink this? No, no, Charles. It's a casque wine.

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