The Chaser Report - A Midsummer Night‘s Vaccine

Episode Date: December 10, 2020

Zoe, Charles and Dom explore the vaccine rollout, enter the election denial bubble, ponder toddler swearing and listen to some charmingly antiquated ads. Plus Rebecca De Unamuno delivers a shot of news straight into your bloodstream. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. Charles Firth is here. Zoe Norton Lodges here. And my name is Dom Knight.

In a week when vaccination started in the UK, we've actually got, you know, arm jabs and people getting inoculated. How good is that? It's amazing. It just feels like have we finally reached the beginning of the end? Absolutely. I was at the cricket last night with 30,000 people in incredibly close proximity.

And so I was like, well, either life is back to normal and we're all fine or we're all about to die. I don't know which it is, but it was a good game. But we don't need the vaccine here, do we? I mean, we've basically got rid of. of it without the vaccine. Well, that's the beauty of the situation. The UK obeying the Guinea pigs.

They've done an emergency authorisation. The safety data is not quite there, but they're testing it on real British people. So it's a wonderful situation. It's a win-win, regardless of what happens. Yeah, so the first person this week officially had the vaccine outside of a clinical trial, right? It was a 90-year-old lady, Maggie Keenan in Coventry. Was the thinking, well, if she's not, if she, you know, reacts badly and it doesn't really matter. anyway? Was that the...

No, I don't think that was the thinking. Probably, Charles, but look, each to their own. I don't know. I'm not an epidemiologist. I'm exactly sure what the thinking was. And then I think, am I right in thinking that the second person to get the vaccine was called William Shakespeare? I read that in the news report. But I had so many questions about how that was possible. I mean, admittedly, if he is 500 years old, he's high on the list of priorities. It's been on the waiting list for a long time. Yeah.

And I mean, you know, but it's not the best sample because like he's, you know, lived through like a bunch of plagues. So his immune system is probably very good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there you go. Isn't the problem though with the vaccine that everyone's going, oh, isn't it great? It stops the disease.

But it doesn't actually stop the transmission of the virus. So it's not like we. and then go, okay, well, let's all try. In fact, Australia is particularly fucked by this, which is everyone else will have had the vaccine and have had the disease. But we will be like, oh, no, we just don't want to get the disease just in case, blah, blah, blah.

And the vaccine doesn't stop any. So it's not going to stop lockdowns and quarantines and things like that. Hang on, we've had practically no COVID for weeks in this country and you found a way to make that depressing. Yeah, I've been reading a lot of Andrew Bolt. I just want to have, I just can't get over the fact that Mr. Mrs. Shakespeare, thinking for names for their children, went, oh, William's going to be memorable.

Well, you have to do it, right? If you're a Shakespeare, well, am I going to do it? Am I not going to do it? Am I going to do it? I'll just do it, right? I think that's going to be the main thing with the show. I mean, what would work? I mean, what would you do?

Like, you can't have like Kevin Shakespeare. Well, there's a John Shakespeare who was a cartoonist. So that's really a straight bad option, isn't it? I think the most likely is they've never heard of William Shakespeare. Yeah, oh, he's super. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's not popular anymore. He's just a dead white man.

Everyone hates him. So, like, whatever. Yeah, there you go. All right, coming up, I'm taking this into a universe where Donald Trump never lost the election and will continue as president. It's a nice place to be. And I am taking a trip to 1969 to play you a whole lot of old eds from 1960s. and ask you, what product is that?

William Shakespeare was big in 1969. I am, okay, I just need your help with something. I don't know why I keep getting parenting advice from you guys because you're so, you're rubbish parents, but I just still need, we're having, I have a linguistic disaster with my toddler. Well, we do know disasters, that's certainly true. But first let's head to Rebecca Day and Amuno in the Chesa Newsroom.

A woman coming off a two-day bender has declared that her body is far too pure to take the COVID vaccine. The woman, who had three unidentified pills last night, said it would be unhealthy to put anything in her body that she didn't know the provenance of. Universal has bought Bob Dylan's entire song library for $300 million. Executives were elated until they found out that Spotify costs $10.99 a month. An elated Dylan said, And George Pell has gotten in the Christmas spirit by applying for a job as a mall Santa. That's the latest Chaser news.

Check out chaser.com.com.com. For all the latest updates. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. This episode of The Chaser podcast is sponsored by Cocaine, available now from your boss's office. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. Now, according to some people, you know, all the experts who certified votes and things like that,

the electoral college, all that stuff, Joe Biden won the November 3rd election in the US and has been preparing a new team to take office. No, that's not true. But let's walk away from that. That is not true. That's, you're thinking right, Charles. You're thinking the way I want you to, because I'm going to, instead of, you know, this boring return to normality in the US, I'm going to take us into an alternate reality where everything is

fine on planet Trump and he's going to be remaining president at least for four years and probably forever. So let's enter the Trump first news. Now Donald Trump held a press conference this week to boast about his great achievement in developing a COVID vaccine under Operation Warp Speed. Hasn't he done a wonderful job of saving America by single-handedly as I understand it from the press conference, going in and developing a vaccine. I mean, he literally did claim that. He did. He literally did. This is no Trump first. He literally was like, there would have been no vaccine if I wasn't president. I'm the one who did the vaccine.

And then also did not buy enough vaccine. So there's enough vaccines for America. Well, look, there were a few issues with the implementation. But I want to start by praising him for all the work that he did. I mean, he said, they said we couldn't do it. They said it was impossible. Never been done so fast. And that is true, though. That is true. It is never been, it usually takes years to develop a vaccine. It doesn't. They normally do the safety tests properly, but not this time, not this time.

But no, Zoh, you're quite right. If you want to let reality intrude, there were some reports that the Trump administration turned down the chance to get 100 million more doses of the Pfizer vaccine, the one that's being, you know, with now William Shakespeare's body over in the UK. So have they in. William Shakespeare? Have they instead? Just gone with Trump's own concoction.

Like, is that what they're doing? They're just buying Trump brand vaccine. That would be such a Trump thing to do. Yeah, it's actually just water, but he's put the Trump vaccine label on it. No, look, to Trump's credit, in that press conference, he said this. And there's another alternative. It's a great reason why you don't need that Pfizer vaccine. I'm wondering, you know, what your message is for the American people,

given all the increasing cases right now about what they should do over Christmas. and the hardship that they're all facing is that the virus does get worse. I think this. I think that the vaccine was our goal. That was number one because that was the way it ends. Plus, you do have an immunity. You develop immunity over a period of time. And I hear we're close to 15%.

I'm hearing that. And that is terrific. That's a very powerful vaccine in itself. The natural vaccine, 15% of Americans have anybody. What a wonderful job. There is such good administration, isn't it, To let everyone get the virus. It's quite hard in a country of 330 million people

to get that many people with anybody's. But just the logistics. You'd have to hold big rallies or something just to have transmission events. Oh, he's doing an amazing job. Look, a few skeptical reporters tried to put him off by asking why there weren't any, you know, Biden team members at the event,

given that they're definitely going to take over the administration in a few weeks. He wasn't falling for that ruse. This is what he said when they tried to trick him and catch him in knots. Why not include members of the Biden transition team as part of this summit that you're hosting today? Well, we're going to have to see who the next administration is

because we won in those swing states and there was terrible things that went on. So we're going to have to see who the next administration is. And hopefully the next administration will be the Trump administration. Wow. I mean, he's still at it. Is that a side effect of the vaccine? Maybe, is it?

Stop putting people off the vaccine, Chuck. I just feel like I actually have started screen capping his Twitter as he slowly hemorrhages followers and it's really quite a delightful thing to do I just feel like he's saying the same crap over and over and over again and it's just become quite tedious So is he actually losing real followers as they realize There's no need or is it just the Russian bots have given up

Oh it's possible that the bots are with the smart ones And they jump ship first like little rats scurring off the Titanic. Yeah, I mean, his great hope in all this was the Supreme Court. And they went to the Supreme Court for the first time and said, you know, that Pennsylvania should just overturn the results and give him all of the electoral votes. The Supreme Court issued a unanimous one sentence ruling saying, yeah, we're not going to do that.

So it's not looking great, but hope springs eternal. The thing is, though, he's got either four years. I think it's four years, but some say a few weeks left as president. He's doing some good stuff. I mean, this week he gave the Presidential Medal of Freedom to a gold medal winning wrestler. But did you see that clip? That was the weirdest thing in the world because he went into the Oval Office, the guy who won the medal. Yeah, Dan Gable.

And then he had his medal or something like that. And then Trump just walked off. Yeah, it's because they said, would you be attending the inauguration? And so he was like, I'm out of here. And then the wrestler just shrugged. Yeah. Oh, well. Good to be here, I guess, in the Oval Office.

The other thing he did, his other big achievement today was talking to Rudy Giuliani on the telephone. And the good news is Rudy's recovering beautifully. Rudy's doing well. I just spoke to him. He's doing very well. No temperature. He has no temperature at all.

Rudy Giuliani at the moment. If you have no damage, does that mean? mean the liquid that rolls down your cheeks just freezes? I think it's a zombie vampire thing. I'm not really sure what's going on. I mean, I don't know. With Rudy in hospital, not able to help him with his court cases. It's probably helping his legal events.

Do you know, Rudy, Rudy did it on purpose. He just went and, like, rubbed himself all over someone with COVID. He's like, I need an hour. I need an out. I'm in too deep. Just give me the bloody COVID. He'll start. Trump will start.

Maybe that's what Trump's so optimistic now. Now with Rudy out of the way. He's going to have a string of legal victory. Yeah, the last barriers of my success was my own lawyer. He's also just sped up. One of the things he's been doing as well is he sped up the rate of executions in federal prisons because Biden's going to stop it if he gets in. So five more for Christmas is his game.

Yes, and that actually breaks a very longstanding convention, which is usually when they elect someone new, they then put a moratorium on new executions until the next president comes in. But then, of course, it doesn't matter because the next administration will be a Trump administration. That's right. That's what he said. Yeah, it is quite horrible, Zoe, isn't it? I mean, we're sort of making, you know, mock light of it.

But, yeah, not great Christmas for those five people, I'm guessing. What, because they'll be dead? Yeah. But at least the turkey's been parted, so it's fine. And look, finally, the other bit of breaking news from the Trump world is that the first lady, Melania Trump has finished. The biggest achievement, I think, of her time as first lady, she's finished renovating the White House tennis pavilion.

It's going to be used exclusively for future first. families and it looks like the rest of the White House. It's impressive. Do you think that was the intended timing to like finish the tennis court five minutes before she has to leave? You'd be a bit annoyed, wouldn't you? Like if you builders, the contractors all delayed everything and you're like, I just really learned to play some bloody tennis. It's the only reason she went. I'm married Trump. I really just want to play tennis at the White House. She played a really long game. She married Trump for it, got in, you know, and now what, she's going to play tennis for a couple of weeks? It's rubbish.

They probably have tennis. There you go. So that's the latest news from the Trump versus, I'm going to be doing this segment every week for the next four years. It's over. It's the second Trump term. It's over. It was a bit like, let's just talk about your segment for a minute. It was a bit high concept for me. So are we imagining so that he was elected for the next four years, but then all the stories were real? I think that's what he's doing.

But what are you doing? I just don't want it to end. I'm finding it so entertaining. Oh, good. That makes one person. The Chaser Report. More news, less often. So I have another bit of a parenting conundrum I wanted to talk to you guys about,

if you guys can give me a little bit of help. So, you know, as I said to you last week, I was away with my family, with my almost three-year-old and almost one-year-old. And the almost three-year-old Rue, he's really found his voice. He's really talking a lot. He's turns of phrases, simply adorable at the moment he says, well my never all the time instead of well i never i don't even know why he would ever say well i never but he says it all the time and he when he likes something he says that's my favorite thing in the

best world anyway everything he says is just completely adorable however um oh and also so i should say as as you would well know um i'm a chronic swearer i i sort of swear at the rate most people um so i was worried about this with my kid but he hasn't picked any of that up. So that's really great. But he does kind of trip over words a little bit. He adds a lot of consonants all the time. So for example, the word silver at the moment is Siddell. You know, like the cricket player, Siddell. Peter Sittle. Yeah. So he, so he does that sort of stuff all the time. Anyway, we were, when we went on this holiday, we, I wanted to bring a couple of things, you know, from from home, things to make it feel a bit more more comfortable, more familiar

because he hasn't really, you know, stayed away from home at an age when he's been quite conscious. And he's quite obsessed with cars. So we bought a, you know, a pile of those little kind of matchbox cars. We wrapped them up and I used it as a bribe to get him to go to sleep on the first night. I was like, I was like, in the morning, we're going to have a car hunt. And he was like, oh, okay. And he, like, he closed his eyes really tight. Like he was going to will himself to sleep really quickly. And in the morning, he woke up. And he screamed, Mom!

And then he sort of spoonerises everything, right? He's like, Mom, I'm ready for the hard. And then the next word was the spoonerism of what it would have been. I think we're allowed to say it. We're all that old to you. This is a podcast, yeah. And also, I can't remember how to spoonerize things. So you're going to need to spell it out.

Mom, I'm ready for the hard. see you next Tuesday. And it's like hard see, hard see. I don't mind saying the word. I just feel bad repeating it because it came out of my kid's mouth. I feel dirty. But anyway, now he's obsessed with it. And it's like, Mom, can we have a,

if you sort of say it as Begby from Trainspotting, and that's what comes to mind when I hear those two words. You do it. How hard can't. so basically how to car hunt yeah and so was anyone else around like could anyone else hear it like well it's he hasn't stopped saying it he hasn't stopped saying it no so well because it was because it was such an event um the the car hunt um you know like how exciting to run around a house and find a pile of cars anyway like what am i supposed to do well actually frankly it is the funniest

thing i've ever heard which is a huge problem that's my biggest point problem is like I like comedy. I really respect a good joke and I find it really hard to um and has he clocked has he clocked to the fact that you actually find it funny for some reason? No no no I think I've managed to to keep that I don't I'm trying really hard not to let that one sleep because that'll be the end so if you say to him um hey darling tomorrow we're going to have a hard cunt will that fix the problem oh like reverse it yeah like it's in oh is that your genuine advice are you saying I should say those words to my...

Oh, look, it can't get worse. This is definitely our... This is, like, remember, Dom is actually a doctor. This is his hard advice. I think you definitely have to do it. My hard or my cunt advice. I mean, you can't really get worse, can it? I mean, the only thing that's going to happen is it's possible he'll stop

spoonerising things at the very moment and then say it all over again. But it's not going to be worse, is it? Yeah, I mean, I guess not. It's like, you know, you hear kids say the Dander's. things, you're all, you know, you're walking down the street, you wonder what he's going to, what he's going to come out with? Is he going to say something that's embarrassing or accidentally insult somebody or whatever? But like, you know, in my wildest strains, I really just didn't expect that phrase to come out of my almost three-year-old's

mouth. I think you need to do what Dom said and next week report back on whether it's worked or not. That's great. Look, I mean, I, like, I'm not going to make any promises because we're recording. Like, what if, you know, what if the, police come and take him away. But look, I will see. I will see what I can do.

I mean, I don't want to put any pressure on his eye, but it is possible with an iPhone. Just the voice memo app. Yes. Just check it out there. Yes. And the word I'm going to use is immortalise this moment in your... Because the problem is when your kids say cute things,

it's not long before they stop saying it. And it's not as funny anymore. I mean, my... Well, not unless Zoe uses your method. Yeah. Which goes, it'll be baked in, yeah. I mean, my daughter for a long time would just say, have a good fun when we left,

and it was just very, very cute. And now she just says, you know, have fun. Yeah, you can collect stuff for his 21st. This can be the first gift that you give him for his 21st. The hard cunt anecdote. And if at the age of 21, he's genuinely like a real bruiser, it'll be perfect. Yeah.

He's a hard cunt. Thanks again. I mean, you guys are the worst parent. gurus. I don't know why I don't join a mother's group. I just can't leave you to her all I've got. It's a really sad state of affairs. Why are you blaming us? We're not the ones who children swear like Scottish sailors. Yeah. I'm going to ring the police now. The Chaser Report. Less news more often.

The Chaser Report is sponsored by cocaine. No, really. You're fascinating on it. Go on. The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens. And now it's time for a trip down memory lane as we play. What product is that? So this segment is very easy. It's a bit of a quiz. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to pay you snippets from ads, from old TV ads,

and you have to guess, what product is that? But it's advertising. How lovely it. So this is nostalgia for when we were all children, you know, in this like 80s kind of time. Is that what we're doing? No, I decided to make a little bit harder than that.

And also key into the key boomer demographic, which I'm sure our advertisers really love. And we're going to go all the way back to 1969. Oh. And we're going to get some eds. Just to make it a little bit harder. Nearly a decade before I was born. This will be interesting.

Okay. So this, the first one, this ed starts with a man in a spacesuit floating. through space. Remember, it's 1969. In an age of miracle after miracle, you wonder, what really can be miraculous when it comes to basics like food? Okay, so

that's the question. What miracle breakthrough did they make in food in 1969? Is it Space Food Sticks? That's what I thought too. Oh, that would have been good. Yeah, that would have of course, yeah, no, it wasn't. No, Space Fids Dix was sort of 1980s, wasn't it? Yeah, I think so. That was, there was

to do this with his shuttle, wasn't it? So, well, I mean, having done this previously, I never guess any of them and it's hugely lateral. So I'm going to guess, you know, air regard insect repellent. That's very close. It probably tastes about the same. No, it is this.

Well, now from Carnation comes new Carnation instant breakfast. It turns a glass of milk into a balanced meal. Think of it. You get vitamin C. the orange juice vitamin, as much protein as two fresh eggs, as much mineral nourishment as two strips of crisp bacon, plus more energy than two slices

of buttered toast in every delicious satisfying glass. Try Carnation instant breakfast. You owe it to yourself and to your family. Here is a breakfast that's almost too good to be true, and yet it is, and that's a promise from Carnation. Sounds extraordinarily like baby formula, my eyes, I think

I gave my daughter that when he's six months old. What am I, I mean, I think they bury the lead there. What do you get from bacon, good minerals. Actually, I'm going to justify having more bacon. Yeah. Yeah. So do you think it is a miracle food?

Like, do you think it is actually, like, because you can still get it? Powdered milk, yeah. Powdered milk, yeah. But it's a breakfast milk. There's more laws now about ridiculous claims in ads. Yes. But I think the real miracle here, Charles, is that you thought there was any chance we would possibly get.

Should we go back to the first clip? No, but, okay. No, no. You know, because it only gets more obscure from here. But, no, I just want to point out that somebody did the sums on that, on that, you know, what's it called, breakfast milk, what it's called? And that if you drank it Monday to Friday all year, it would actually add 48 extra cups of sugar to your diet.

So it's just basically sugar. So with a bit of vitamin C. He's about as good for you as bacon. More news, less often. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Cocaine. It is quite more-ish. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice.

The Chaser Report. Well, that is just about all we have time for on this week's edition of the Chaser Report. Wait! There's late breaking news. What? Really? Charles, you did that for so many episodes. Yes, Charles, there's late breaking news in the newsroom.

It's quickly, rush to Rebecca Dane and no. Is that part of the format, is it? I think so. You made it up. Apple has released a set of headphones that cost $899. Apple says the headphones use a high-tech wavelength cancellation technology that blocks out the sound of people laughing at you for spending $900 on a pair of headphones.

Thank you very much to Mike Liberali, who pulled this whole podcast together as he always does. And don't forget, you can check out the Chaser on Facebook. You can check out the TikTok, Twitter, the Instagram and all that kind of stuff. And Charles, go on, plug your thing. Yes, we've got the war on 2020 coming out in the next couple of weeks, including two live stream shows this Friday and Saturday night. That's the 11th and 12th of December.

I mean, they're not going to sign up to it, but we might as not tell them. You can buy tickets at chaser.com.com.com slash live. and you should and you should sign up because they will run out. The infinite number of tickets that are available for a live stream event will run out. Okay. No, before, yeah, before we, I want to do my own plug, but just, I'd have a quick question, though, Charles. Yeah. After your really, really, really sad plug last week, where you'd sold 3050 tickets.

And I predicted you to have like a lot of refunds required under your plug. What's the ticket sales like now? No, the ticket sales have really ticked up. in the last few days. And this is honestly true. What I discovered, stupidly, the stupid person who was doing the marketing of this live event had only been targeting people who know what the war in 2020 is, right? And like, sort of... Getting people who think it's the Chaser's war and everything. No, no, no. It was pitched to the Chaser's audience. It was specifically to the fans of the Chaser. And they were all going, no, we don't want that.

You know, we're not familiar with the network. I just did some targeting on Facebook to go, oh, yeah, people who like ABC News. Like that sounds like sort of the end, you know, and have no idea what the taser is. And ticket sales are going through the roof because, you know, actually you've got to get the ignorant people in. Which people disappoint. There you go. Fantastic. Zoe, your TV show looks at the notorious.

screwy the chaser at some point seen, doesn't it? Yeah, so well, next week where our show Reputation Rehab, where we look at reputations in distress, past and present, we're looking at what happens when a joke goes wrong. And as part of that, we're chatting to Chaz from the Chaser. But if you'd like to catch any of the episodes of Reputation Rehab, they're all bloody amazing and they're all up on our view. Are they free?

On I View. Oh, no, I only like screen entertainment. I've got to pay a lot of money to watch on Zoom. Yeah, that's the thing. Okay, here's the thing. Look, if you like ABC News, which is apparently Charles's, you know, target audience, you don't want to watch the Chaser's War on 2020 for money. You want to go to Ivy and watch my show.

No, no, it's chaser.com. I use the war on 320. It's important distinction. And I have the 2020 dictionary book out, which is available at chaser shop.com or at my own Domnight.com. And apparently it's selling okay, so I probably don't even need to plug it, but I did anyway.

Yeah, and the toilet paper will be coming in next week, so keep out and sorry for that. I talked to the woman, this is true, today, who runs... Oh, yeah, yeah, did it arrive? Did it arrive? No, no, she says that they're bracing themselves with the arrival of them.

She said, I'm curious to see why I thought it, so there's one person. And there you go, touch you next week here on the Chaser Report.