The Chaser Report - A Pauline Satire

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

After yesterday's slow news day Dom is back with the latest updates on the COP26 Glasgow Summit and tries to summarise the massive amount of news that happened. Meanwhile Lachlan gives a professional review of a brand new satire cartoon, and Gabbi tries to explain the backstory behind an embarrassing song found in her repertoire. Plus all the freshest headlines from Rebecca De Unamuno. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by fake plants. Cheaper than a dog and less likely to shit on your rug. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? Fizz is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply.

Details at Fizz.ca. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday, the 16th of November 2021. I'm Dom Knight. We have Gabby Bolt. Hello. Hello. How are you, Dom? I'm very well. And Alex of Vulevich. Hello. Hello. On today's podcast, I thought it might be an idea to try and make sense of Glasgow because

there were two weeks in a shit ton of announcements. And I'm trying to work out if anything happened that is in any way relevant or useful or... Yeah, you know, if all the world leaders gathered in a spot and actually made eight single decision. Yeah, so... I went through and tried to like summarise what happened and I probably have missed things.

But let's try and just see if we can work out together whether we're actually doing anything and if the planet's going to be saved in any meaningful way. All right. Great. So firstly, Australia is committed to net zero by 2050. That's a big change. It's never happened before.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. We're also committed to doing absolutely nothing together. get there. In fact, our job now is to get out of the way of the people who want to fix it. It's, I don't hold a hosemate globally is what it is. Oh, my God. Too many literal world cooks in the kitchen. Yeah, and my theory is it's a bit like, like if your parents tell you to tidy your room.

Yeah. And your response is, no, I don't have to because I believe my clothes will evolve the ability to put themselves away. Yeah, like Mary Poppins. I actually did use that excuse once. Maybe I should be in politics. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't think I expected a single decision to be made. Dumbed, did anything else happen? Well, we've also, the government position now is that we don't want a carbon tax. Definitely not, because that was Julia Gillard. Of course. We hate the tax. Bagged tax. But we do expect business to pass the cost of decarbonizing onto consumers.

So prices will go up, but it won't be the government's fault, you see. So prices will go up because of carbon. to the consumer, but we can't call it a carbon tax. Yeah, so we'll pay more, but in a totally unregulated fashion. Yeah, great. How good. I think it's a bit like a business saying to its employees, we believe that people should work from home.

Right. Like, because we're moving in that way. So can you just get yourself desks and maybe to pay extra rent for a spare room? Which would seem unfair, but that's exactly what's happened for the past two years. Well, yeah, I mean, I'm still waiting on compensation for the time that we spent doing the podcast from home. And I keep asking Charles about it and he keeps saying, oh, yeah, I'm just waiting for the carbon to come in. You didn't buy a desk. He just worked it off the kitchen table. Yeah, I did. We had you on Zoom. The same flatmates would come in and wash up in the back.

It's very atmospheric. I feel like I need some emotional compensation for that, to be honest. He's told me he was going to compensate me. He said the reimbursement will come in 2050. So I'm just waiting on that one. Now, poor countries wanted rich countries to give them money. And it was one of the big things that was discussed, they pointed out that rich countries got rich by burning carbon and now poor countries aren't getting a chance to do the same thing. So they wanted money instead. What do you think rich country said to that argument? Here's all the money right now. Not quite. They kind of said you know how we're rich and powerful because we burn all the carbon year? You can't have any money

because we're not going to give it to you. Right. Oh, so they Paris Hilton did it. They just stopped being poor, the poor countries. They said, you can't make us, basically. And so that was the end of that. Good for them. But we did agree, this is history. We mentioned fossil fuels for the first time in a climate declaration. What are those? We've had 25 of these things before. This is number 26 and we're finally mentioning fossil fuels.

There was a plan. The draft was to phase out fossil fuels and coal in particular. And a lot of countries didn't like that. So instead they went with phased down. So if someone asks you to give up smoking, you can say, look, I'm going to do a gradual phase down on a time scale to be agreed. Oh, my God. What the fuck?

But that's, like, that's offensive because it's going to kill us, right? But it's also offensive grammatically. Like, it makes, you can't phase down. Oh, my God. They're committing multiple crimes at once. I've had parties that started to phase down after a couple of hours. Like, I was hoping they'd phase up. They didn't phase out, but they just phased down.

There's like two people who I wanted to leave and wouldn't leave. Petition to call the next cop kick-ons. Like, kick-ons 27? Kick-ons 27. That's great. So what did it all equate to? Well, the theory going into it was that we needed to limit the temperature rise to 1.5%. Or we'd die.

A little bit extinctiony. Yeah, a little bit die. A little bit extinctiony. And what we got to, so the climate action tracker estimates this, they figure we went from 2.7 to 2.4 as a result of Glasgow. Right. I mean, we probably don't need to do anything, do we? technology will sort it out.

Yeah, they'll develop it. For me, I think we just got to shift our goalposts. Like, obviously we're not going to not get extinct. I think we just got to look to be the last creatures to get extinct, you know? Yeah. That's a good idea. Like the reverse animal kingdom. Yes.

Either that or just try and get a spot on Jeff Bezos' past shit. Get the fuck out of you. On the cock rocket. On today's show, Loughlin's going to preview a very curious new TV show. And a song of mine has been taken way out of proportion and I'm here to clear my name. That's all coming up right after we check in with Rebecca Dana Muno in the Chaser Newsroom. Scott Morrison has confirmed that he will not renew the funding for Parliament's new workplace respect courses as the problem has been solved. Morrison said, I know for a fact that we don't need it anymore.

You see, I had a meeting with everyone at 9 a.m. this morning and was told no one had been sexually harassed. yet today, so I said, well done, team, let's have some milkshakes. Liberal Senator Andrew Bragg, who has accused the ABC of being leftist propaganda, has demanded the government be put in charge of the broadcaster's content. The senator said, for too long the ABC has been run by a group of extremists who have no regards for my electoral ambitions, and in the interest of the public, I demand these changes immediately. The government has declared themselves the underdog in the upcoming election.

The Prime Minister has said it's pretty clear he's the underdog after winning the last election, receiving millions of dollars in donations from the fossil fuels industry, and having an international news corporation owned by Rupert Murdoch support his every move. That's the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and I want to make it a bunch of it a bunch of it. abundantly clear I'm not being held at by Charles Firth to do these headlines against my will.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. This episode of The Chaser Report

Brought to you by fake plants. Look, they don't grow anything, but at least they don't get depressed in winter. Lachlan, you've been watching something wonderful, haven't you? Oh, have I? Have I ever? Look, here at The Chaser, we're all big fans of cutting-edge satire. So when we heard that there was a brand new political satire cartoon coming straight to YouTube, we were all excited, weren't we?

Wow. Cartoon? Has Denton done something? Yeah, no, so it's actually a new kind of. to the comedy scene. Apparently they've been doing character work for the last decade or so. I think you might have heard,

I think her name, it's Pauline Hanson. Oh. Was that whole thing like a comedy prank? Gosh, that went really deep, didn't it? Yeah, yeah. She really committed to the bit. Are we talking about the Pauline Hanson where you know, the one from Australia

or like the mum of the Hanson trio or something like, who's? Well, it's funny because if you watch the show that she's put together, you'd think that she's basing us self on a fictional character as well because it does not align with what she's actually like in real life oh who knew now thinking back over her career i mean she she's thrown the switch to vaudeville before when she wore the burke her into parliament that was such a deeply sensitive great cabaret bit isn't it yeah i mean it's basically like via my germany isn't it i'm in the

nazism part not the victoria anyway she's definitely my new favorite hanson in political satire right sorry andry so what's she done yeah so for for anyone who's not aware. She's actually put together a political satire cartoon straight to YouTube and it's called Please Explain. Wow! Now you'd be forgiven for thinking that based on that name that it's self-aware because it is not. In her world, Please Explain was actually her asking for helpful clarification not knowing what, not knowing what xenophobia was. No, and that's exactly it. So this show is all about Pauline Hanson, please explaining the intricacies of politics to all of the federal cabinet and all the faces that we know and love.

So she's explaining. So Pauline's the one doing it. Oh my God. Yeah. It's Pauline Hanson teaching politics, which is essentially like, you know, Tim Smith teaching you how to drive. Oh, no. Oh, my God.

I really. I get it. Sorry. There's currently only two episodes and they're on YouTube and it's actually part of her election campaign. And she does make money when you watch it on YouTube because of ads, which means that the only way to ethically watch it is to illegally download. it.

Nice. That's what I advise all of our listeners. If you do have to watch this show, please watch it illegally. No, no, don't watch it illegally because that would be a crime. So here's the deal. The show itself is only two episodes so far. They're not long. They're only a few minutes long.

And I don't want to bash on another comedian's craft. Right. It's kind of rough. Yeah, that's poor form. Yeah, that's not what we do here. That's right. She kind of, the show lacks a comedic originality or comedic integrity. I know.

We've got, what are the other, you know, political satire? a cartoon greats. Oh, you know, like South Park, I suppose. I mean, the Colbert rapport was really an exaggerated right winger. He wasn't a physical cartoon, but he was cartoonish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you've got the British spitting image kind of thing. Got Boris Johnson. Yeah, yeah, and all of those shows, they use their own parodies of the characters, but Pauline's representations are very literal, and I suspect that's the upper limit of her creative capabilities. Please tell me you got a clip for us, Lucky. Yeah, I've got a, I've got a few I'll run you through some of the other characters that she uses.

So we've got Peter Dutton, who is played by Voldemort. When you guys think of Peter Dutton, what kind of joke do we go on? If we're going to think of visually what Peter Dutton looks like, what do we go with? We might go with a potato head, the merch of which you can still get, I think, at the lonely, what is it called? Looney People? Looney Kids Club.com. You can buy some potato head merch.

I was worried that the potato meme, we're about to kill it forever, but no, they're doing Voldemort. No, so thankfully we can still use the potato thing. without knowing that Pauline's thinking the same as us. But hang on, is Volta Mort being betrayed positively? Because she is also a Queensland right-winger quite like Peter Dutton. Like, is this a sympathetic, Voldemort? I'm just happy that Voldemort found work. After those seven movies, I mean, I know he's probably fine monetarily.

But it's just nice to see that he's like, he's a multifaceted actor. And he's been typecast, hasn't he, Voldemort? I mean, there's not many jobs you can get in Hollywood these days with no-nows. So it's nice that he, you know. When the first line on your CV says, dark lord yeah he fits right in with ospole doesn't he i'm just glad that you know i'm seeing ralph finds again

it's good to see him um but the one of the other characters you know you've got uh barnaby joyce now this joke she's actually taken directly from us right we always like to say online that that barnaby joyce is a bit like a beetroot and in her show he is being played by a beetroot what like just the vegetable yeah i mean to be fair i don't think we came up with beetrooter no no um but it is pretty I mean, that's, that's like a comedy benchmark.

If we had the money that the men in Ospole have, we could sue now. Just go straight ahead. This sucks, though. It's making me second guess our own, like, political jokes because now I'm thinking Beatrice is actually extremely sympathetic because it gives him some kind of agricultural, like, reference that he can bank on. Like, I don't think it's appropriate. We've got to stop doing it.

This is true. Everything we publish or say from now and we will have to vet and to check Pauline hasn't made the same joke. And, you know, Barnaby just can't forget his roots. If you're worried, though, about Pauline making the same joke as us, play that first clip. You'll realise that just like us, Pauline is definitely not above lowbrow satire.

Just because a voter puts you down as their number one doesn't mean they have to follow your instructions on their number two. Speaking of number two's. Yes. Get out, Scott. This is a classroom, not the Engadding Macas. Wow. She went there.

I like it. Such strong satire. It's okay, guys. We're laughing at her, not with her. I don't know. I'm worried we're laughing with her. I don't know if I'm laughing with her. I like poo.

I mean, this is the most sympathetic thing Pauline Hansen's ever done is making fun of other politicians, isn't it? Yeah, well, if you're worried about being too sympathetic for her, one joke that she definitely hasn't stolen from us is how she introduces Adam Bant. Take a listen.

Adam Bant? Yes, I'm here on Aboriginal land and I pay respect. It's just the role, Adam. Always was, always will be. Punching up? I mean, wow, that's itchy. Pauline, great.

Pauline, it must be real brave to make fun of people who protect Indigenous rights. Oh, I mean, you know what? I know what, though, this does surprise me because, like, before this, I wouldn't have ever realised that Pauline Hanson was racist. Like, she gave absolutely no indication that she didn't like Indigenous people before this. So I'm glad we know now. No, it's really helpful. It's nice that you can really get the subtleties of her political opinion seeping through.

Yeah. Just a cheeky bit of Pauline propaganda. The main problem with the show is obviously that Pauline hails herself as the straight man. She's the angel surrounded by the stooges. That's how I feel in this workplace. And it just sort of highlights her delusion, I think. And as a comedy writer, that's really sad. because we know that there's nothing juicier than a deluded main character.

And she's wasting it on pretending that she knows everything. So I've sent her a message and I reached out to the people who make the show and I just said, hey, guys, you know, I'm a comedy writer. I'm not very good. So I should be fine to fit in with your crowd. And if you're looking for extra staff to help you out on the next couple of episodes of the show, I'm there. Oh, no, Lachlan, you're going to get cancelled. You're telling a woman how to do comedy.

I, for one, am happy for Pauline to start being a woman in comedy. Women in comedy need to be treated better, and I'm glad that there's another girl boss out there to join the team. If I just become incredibly based, does this whole segment just me saying that women aren't funny? Pauline, sweetheart, I think you're hilarious. You deserve the world. I'm with you, Gabby.

I really want to praise Pauline at this point, because what I just heard, I haven't seen the whole thing, but it was a lot better than most of the guy knew. It was nuanced, it was multifaceted, it was a deep critique of society. She's ticking all the boxes. It's a shame she's not selling tickets, you know? Well, I'm just keen for the season finale where she teaches them all how to commit voter fraud. Thank you for your patience.

Can't take being on hold anymore? Fizz is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. This episode of The Chaser Report, sponsored by fake plants, for when you need a palm tree for no fucking reason. Okay, so I have to clear my name.

What have you done? I have to clear my name. What have you allegedly done? Okay, so not to discredit the sex work industry. There is absolutely nothing wrong with working in it, but somebody found a song of mine from the vault and assumed that I had written music, like I've scored a pornographic film,

and I need to clarify, no, it's not what my song's about. So I found it, I dug it up, and I've got it here to play through. Isn't that flattering? Because, I mean, porn is known for pretty cool music, like, boom. Yeah. The 70s funk, disco. That's cool again now, isn't it? Yeah, I know, but I think it's bringing up a lot of things.

I used to be a music teacher, and so this is from that time, and so a lot of people were, like, trying to shit on me. I think I watched that porno, the one with a music teacher. Is that? Oh, sorry, no. So we're going to play it and work out whether it either clears your name. It should. Or it's a very convincing audition for four.

It's a hard, it's a hard heating commentary. Hard, eh? Okay. Just play the clip. Alex, are you feeling comfortable? I'm just happy that I'm not in the studio right now. It's sort of a very embarrassing for me. I think I'm ready

Been waiting so long So let me in already It's not not horny Don't you know that tonight I want to take a ride I'm going to come inside You're kind of Barry White girl That's right

I'm going to House sit Let me sit in your house I want to See it's about housing It's a twist Let me pretend that I own this 5,000 dollar couch

House sit I'm going to ride in your sheets 10,000 thread count House sit Sitting in your house I know I'll never own my own so I gotta keep my options free I'll never penetrate the housing market

so I'll let that market penetrate me I'll stay at my mom's rich friend's house it's like a luxury Airbnb being a generationally wealthy boomer has never been so sexy than me I'm about to house it is that a double door fridge in this house a

house sit oh with a built in ice dispenser holy shit I love the house sit oh dishwasher air con no black mold in the barthroom house sit I fucking love this

house it's the son of our house sitting Gabby I know how it could possibly have been misconstrued no that was brilliant you set it up with a bit of you know Barry White soul and funk, and then you twisted it into a satire of boomer consumerism. I don't get it.

It's a wholesome song about house-sitting. It's, I want to come inside the house. Let me in. I think you need to listen to more porno music, but it's a great song. It's about house-sitting. Did I not clear my name? You didn't clear your name as a writer of excellent satirical songs, Gabby Bolt. Fuck.

I thought it was beautiful. I, um, but I'm, I didn't hear any of the words. That's fair. I was just picturing something else. The clavocord, bloody, that's the thing that got me. The Stevie Wonder, that was banging clavocord. We've just got to end the episode here because I feel spent at this point, frankly. Well, I actually have to actually have to leave because I'm about to go and house sit very wholesomely.

I don't know what that means anymore. Our gears from road microphones are part of the Acast, Creator Network. Check out our afternoon edition today. And we're back tomorrow with a new morning one at 4 a.m. Catch you then.