The Chaser Report - A Risk Assessed Shoey?

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Scott Morrison has tested positive for COVID, but who did he get it from and to whom will he give it? Meanwhile Dom takes a look at the latest findings from the IPCC report. Plus Gabbi has an update on her show, and what it was like to do the most risk-adverse shoey ever done. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Thursday, the 3rd of March, 2021. Charles Firth's here, Alex Avulovich is here. I'm Dom Knight. Welcome, one and all, on a day when medical history has been made, gentlemen. Scott Morrison has COVID-19. It is sad, and it's not funny if anyone, even your worst enemy.

Even the dickhead from the shire gets. COVID. Hang on, let me just test this proposition. Is it funny that Clive Palmer probably has COVID, but then bought Hitler's car? I thought he bought Hitler's car to fight COVID. That's the reason. He wanted to blitzkrieg. Because he tries ivermectin doesn't work. And so he thought, well, maybe Hitler's car will work rather than, say, modern medical science. Now, I don't want to cast aspersions on Scott Morrison, but his statement said, I've been. testing myself daily for the past few days, but then he was hanging out with

all these people maskless for several, including the president of Nauru in Ireland that does not have COVID. He's Paula Jokovic. I'm just wondering, should he have been isolating? I am shocked. I am shocked if you're suggesting

that Scott Morrison is a selfish asshole. It just doesn't pass muster with me. I just think we all took the masks off and we're like, yay, we're now in the maskless time. No, I think you're barking up the wrong tree though, Dom, because it's actually

I've got a conspiracy theory. It was the Sky News 15th anniversary party where he clearly got it. That was the super spreader event. But who else was there that night? But none other than Anthony Albanese. Oh. And I think what we are actually

seeing is the first time that biological weapons in the form of a little vial of COVID have been used in this election and you know where would Anthony Albanyi have got COVID? It's not like you can just pick it up anywhere. He would

have got it from a lab in Wuhan. Oh yeah. So I think we know that China is behind this COVID thing through his Manchurian candidate Anthony Albanese. I'm shocked by that. on here.

I'm appalled by that. The most shocking part of that story, Charles, which I entirely believe, is that Albo was invited to the Sky News Party. That just seems impossible. It would have been so awkward. You know what I reckon it is. I think we, as political commentators,

we should have known this was coming. Since Clive Palmer got COVID, I just seemed all his COVID preferences just went straight to Scott Morrison. But the good news is he's still putting his full focus on the events. His statement says he's, you know, he's not stopping working. he's still putting all of his attention

into all the emergencies going on he's focusing on Ukraine and Russia as well so business as usual for the PM he'll be not resolving any of these problems in the week ahead yeah would anyone have noticed if he did take time off what would be the material difference maybe he's on COVID this whole time

and he just didn't want to look weak maybe he got long COVID in week one well that explains the last two and a half years. Perfect. Coming up on the show, we'll take a look at the IPCC report, which suggests we're going to have lots of weather emergencies in the years ahead. You know what, that seems pretty plausible at this point in Australia.

I wonder what that's going to feel like. And we're going to check in with Gabby about her show, which has been happening in Adelaide. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Dana Minow in the Chaser Newsroom. The Nation of Australia has buckled down for its fifth, once in a lifetime natural disaster in five years, after torrential floods allowed the CSIRO to complete their things we told you were going to fucking happen, bingo card.

When asked whether or not he thought that Australia could be doing anything more so the future would have suitable conditions for life, Scott Morrison held a piece of coal and said, this isn't going to hurt you. Citizens across Australia have bunkered down and prepared for the worst today after it was revealed that Scott Morrison will be forced into isolation for a week, making Barnaby the acting Prime Minister.

Upon this news spreading, horrified citizens across the country have been seen in wild fits of panic, helplessly screaming, We're all going to die! Finally, a local man has struggled this week to decide which type of face mask he should wear when going outside,

torn between wearing a face mask, mask, a scuba mask or a gas mask. When the man began asking himself if he would rather drown, catch COVID, or get nuked on the way to work, the man finally came to a decision and chose to chuck a sickie instead. Those are the latest chaser headlines. I'm Rebecca Dayunamuno, and I'll be away tomorrow hiding in a bunker. Not from nuclear war, by the way, from Barnaby. Gabby Bolt has joined the podcast a little bit late, but she was on South Australian time. Hello. Yeah, hi, no, sorry. I'm late. I'm really sorry. I had to go down to the laundromat level of this hotel and wash my clothes because everything got a bit messy. And then I timed it really badly. What happened? So, okay, well, it's a bit of a long story. But basically, I woke up the day of my opening night and realized that I had sold six tickets to my first show.

So, yeah, pretty brutal, considering I'd traveled on a plane. and everything. So I decided to sort of have an effort to boost ticket sales. I very, very haphazardly and impromptuely promised my crowd a shooey after the show without telling anyone. I just got on TikTok and I was like, oh, I'm panicking. I don't really know what I can offer you. But if you buy a ticket to my opening night tonight, I'll do a shooie.

That's my offer. Got nothing else to work with. Sort of channeling Grace Tame. Yeah, we managed to get Grace Tame to do it. I mean, yeah, it's a flawless, flawless model. Whatever gross does is classy and successful. That's right. But see, the funny thing is,

I didn't actually expect people to actually buy tickets and 27 people within the hour bought tickets to my show. And so then I was like, oh, well, shit, I have to do a shooey now. And then Adelaide Fringe called me. And they were like, hi, I saw the post. If you do a shoe, that's all good. We have to put it through COVID regulations because if a COVID Marshall sees you doing a shooie,

it can be a fine for everybody involved so I was like oh okay cool so I got the coolest email I've ever received which said shoey risk management which meant that I had to buy a new shoe because I only have one pair of shoes with me and I don't really fancy spending the rest of my run in beer shoes

and I had to be masked before and after the shoey and everybody who saw the shoey had to remain 1.5 metres away from me outside the venue so we had this plan ahead And I ran into, you know, the street of Adelaide to get a shoe and a shirt. And then after my show, I did a COVID safe, the most COVID safe and planned shooey, I think, ever in existence. Yeah. Because doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of a shooey if you're doing it in a new shoe?

I disagree. I disagree. More planned and scripted shooies, in my opinion. What kind of shoe did you go for? I went for a crock. I figured it was the most chaotic because you could pour in the heel and then all the holes in the top of the shoe. It's like a little waterfall. It's like a shower. Yeah, a golden shower. Um, doesn't matter. Anyway, so I did that. And while I was shopping, um, I got this text

from the management team pretty chaffed because Will Anderson got on ABC Radio Adelaide and basically said that I was great. Um, completely unprompted. Didn't ask him to say anything about my show. It's hilarious. He tweeted you too. Yeah, he plugged the shit out of my show for me. So I don't really know if 27 people bought tickets for the shoey or because Will Anderson said I was good but either way someone's confused So hang on so let me work this out So the cost of the extra clothes

And the brand new crocs Is that more than the 27 tickets that you say? And the beer Did you make even more of a loss? Actually I stole the beer I feel really bad about this I went to the closest bar and said Hey listen I'm a performer

Really long story But basically there's an extremely scripted shoey That I have to now do Can I borrow a can and I'll come come right back and pay for it. I just don't have my phone on me right now. And they're like, yeah, sure. I forgot to pay.

So I've already shoplifted the festival. And I don't know if they're going to like me now. But I think it's okay because tonight's show is 11 tickets away from selling out. So hopefully no more shooys. I don't think I can do it. It's too much. You have to do it. You have to do it.

You have to do it. It's too much. No, I can't do it. I can't do it. I have to keep shoplifting to fill the, you know, the thrill. And I can't do that to everybody. The thing that intrigues me most about this whole story is the idea that the South Australian government had a form to do a COVID-safe shooey. That is, is that an answer?

It was like a regular risk assessment form, right? But the funniest bit was risk to me, risk to others. So a risk to others, obviously I said, you know, it's messy. I could spread my germs by being a dick, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Risk to me, I was just like, drunk. Not really a risk. Drunk covered in beer. And so that's why I was late today

because I had to put my beer-soaked clothes in the washing machine in this hotel because I have to wear them again tonight. Is that why there's all these legal issues now around Ben Robert Smith? He didn't fill out a shooy safety form. That's right. Yeah. He didn't provide all of the risks. Involved with drinking out of an amputee.

Risk to the amputee, they'll be shoved off a cliff. Risk to the leg. Risk to Ben. Risk to Channel 7. Yeah. You know, it's like a whole bit. I get it now. I can relate to Ben Rodersmith.

Gabby, I think the thing is, as long as you say you're a performer who's come for the festival, it's the only thing that happens in Adelaide in any given year. You can do whatever you want. You can just go to any bar and get any drink for free. Yeah. You can trash the place. You're a god in Adelaide right now.

Yeah. Well, we would plug your show, but it's clearly going to sell out. Well, I don't know. Don't say that. No, because I don't want to promise any more shooies. So if you do want to buy tickets, do it, because there's still tickets available for all my shows. It's on until Sunday this week. And, yeah, I would appreciate people to come just for the show and not for the shooey.

That would be amazing. I can't keep getting drunk every night. And Gabby, would you like to tell them the name of your show? Oh, yeah. Shit. Sorry. Fuck. Oh, my God.

God, I'm really bad at this. It's called I Hope My Keyboard Doesn't Break. It's on at the Bali or the Bali or the Bali, I can't say it, right, at Gluttony. Yeah, 7.20 p.m. And right after that is Will Anderson's show. I feel like I may as well swing him a plug because he's pretty much sold my season, I think, for me, which is great. The Chaser Report, now with Extra Whispers. So it's been a lot of bad weather around in the past few days.

I don't really want to talk about that. I want to talk about the way things could be, according to the new IPC series. report, and this is from news.com.com. Which is not exactly, you know, the most pro-climate action publication. It says that Sydney and Melbourne could experience extreme temperatures up to 50 degrees if global temperatures rise by two degrees. How is that fair? That it's two degrees on average, but for us it's like 10 or 15 degrees.

Well, that sucks. Yeah, that really fucking sucks, doesn't it? 50, your fucking degrees. We've got a solution. Why don't we just blast the air corner harder in the office? Yes. That's what we need. We need action on climate change.

We need better air conditioning for all our homes and offices. That'll solve everything. I think this is just a clerical mix-up. I think it's just a clerical error, you know, because the government control the weather. We all know this. And so when they said, oh, there's not enough, you know, tertiary education going around. So they were like, here, just have like 50 degrees, you know.

They got it all wrong. I think you IPCC says This is the first victim of climate change Let's not Is Gabby sets of humour That's tragic I have to remember a whole show Do you know how hard that is

It's like so many jokes I'm not writing right now I'm just battling off the same jokes every night Just like clockwork You know How does every conversation Go back to the shows that you guys do Anyway

It's estimated that the But there's got to be some upside right Like for Tasmania Dom can I just stop you Yeah, which is... Oh, Charles, that sounds a bit like spin to me. Have you read the Uninhabitable Earth? No.

Bill McGriffon book. You don't need to read it. It sounds depressing. It's all about how the world's going to become unlivable, right? Lovely. You know, in the coming decades. It's absolutely chilling. It's a horrible book.

Do not read it, right? Right. But in it, he talks about how it's not about the actual degrees that you reach like 50 degrees who cares it's not about that it's it's about the wet ball temperature ball

the wet ball temperature and basically essentially the amount of heat that a human can survive is determined by how humid it is right so in actual fact

if it's humid you can't survive more than about 36 degrees 35 degrees of temperature for any length of time like literally it becomes fatal to go outside in really humid temperature if it's 36 degrees for more than about 10 minutes, right?

So what I'm saying is, I think we'll be fine with 50 degrees, just as long as things don't get too wet. Yeah, as long as it's not like this past summer where it was humid every single night. Well, look, we've got a secret weapon here in Australia, though, which is Tasmania. Can we all fit into Tasmania? Because there's no way, it doesn't matter what the climate's going to do.

Tasmania's not going to become pleasant to live in. Do you think this is why Tasmania doesn't have any internet at the moment? They've cut off their internet this week. Did you see that? There's a massive outage. No one could get into there. Someone pulled the plug, did they? Yeah.

I reckon they've secretly cut themselves off, knowing the IPCC report was coming, cut themselves off from things, so no one can book any tickets there. Yeah, no. And they're just trying to get rid of us. They're going to secede. You can tell. There's no way they're going to take us all in. Yeah, I mean, imagine what it would do to the gene pool.

All right. Is that a fucking incest joke? Oh, it's an old one. Yeah, that's all right. So I can't make my 50 degrees joke, and you guys can make a fucking incest joke on this podcast? But Gabby, we're talking about a state. Tired.

It actually literally built a poo machine, like a machine that makes poo. Actually, that's the best reason to move there. These are people who need to expand their gene pool. Okay. Aggies from red microphones. We're part of the ACUS credit network and we'll see you in Hobart if they'll have us after these jokes.